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5 Reasons Why Waiting Gets Easier After College

October 2nd, 2011 by

The high school and college years are incredibly discouraging for those waiting until marriage to have sex. Among other things, those years can be marked by isolation, frustration, and doubt. You may ask yourself if things will ever get better. Well, the world won’t be a utopia after college, but here are 5 reasons why waiting just might get easier.

#1. Your Stock Rises

Examine any fruitful marriage which has also withstood the test of time. People of character comprise these marriages; these are people of respect, loyalty, authenticity, and sacrifice.

If you’re waiting until marriage, you realize that there’s more to life than sex. Most likely, you’ve developed other aspects of your character in anticipation of finding “the one”.

After college, your stock rises; there’s a higher demand for people of character such as yourself. More women think about family and place a higher premium on a man’s fatherhood potential. More men value genuineness and loyalty, realizing the worth of a woman who will walk with him through all seasons of life, from the brightest summers to the harshest winters.

#2. Others’ Stocks Decline

Let’s be delicate here. This section is not to suggest that those with colorful pasts are bad people. This is also not suggesting that it is impossible for those with a promiscuous background to have successful marriages. However, it is important to acknowledge that the widespread mentality of promiscuity/“doing your thing”, and then happily settling down, does not always become a reality.

Change is a gradual, difficult process. Old dogs really don’t like new tricks and developing character is more involved than flipping on a switch. While you’ve invested in your character, many in the promiscuous crowd have done the exact opposite. They’ve damaged their character by developing selfishness, lack of discipline, resentment, distrust, and maybe even sexism, all as a result of the casualness of their relationships and sexual encounters. The poisonous seeds which they’ve sown reap in the form of irreparable hearts. Some of the actual science behind the painful effects of promiscuity is explored in the book Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children.

Give it 2-3 years after college ends. You may find that there’s less of a demand for people with this type of underdeveloped character, their stocks decline. The bad boy loses some of his luster and the party girl doesn’t reign as freely as she once did.

#3. Spider-Sense

Do you know a guy or girl who’s in a new relationship every couple of months or so? Does that same guy or girl complain about how there are no good members of the opposite sex?

Their problem is that they don’t develop street smarts, not in terms of finding true love. There’s no introspection or reflection on how they can improve themselves or their relationships. They date the same type of person and immerse themselves in the same drama only to wonder where things went wrong. A failed relationship can be turned into something positive if a person learns from it, but if the same mistakes are continually repeated, that person does himself/herself a disservice.

By withholding sex, you’ve developed street smarts. Ladies, you’ll be better at knowing when a guy is only after sex. Men, you’ll be better at knowing when a woman is worthy enough to bring home to mom. Watch as your spider-sense tingles whenever a jerk or mean girl enters the room. In essence, you’ll be more adept at recognizing marriage material. You won’t be perfect at it, nobody is, but you’ll be good at it.

#4. The Real World

For most people, college is not the real world. When you’ve entered into the workforce and have a decent amount of control over your own livelihood, only then have you stepped into the real world. Generally speaking, when you’re in the real world, you’re surrounded by more serious people. Instead of hearing a story about the guy who hooked up with 5 girls in one night (and couldn’t remember all the girls’ names), you’ll hear more stories about the family vacation at Sea World, and more accounts of how wondrous marriage can be despite its trials and tribulations.

This new world, this more serious environment, can prove to be a much healthier atmosphere for those who are waiting. You’ll be surrounded by more people that value inner beauty and your potential to contribute to a relationship. For you, that may mean discovering someone who can truly appreciate your worth.

#5. You’re All In

If you’ve survived the pressures and temptations that arise throughout the high school and college years, chances are that you’re “all in”, fully committed to your decision. If you haven’t
already, you reach a turning point around graduation time. A point where you know that turning your back on your decision would be an anti-climactic end to a story which began with unspeakable promise. While life won’t exactly be a fairy tale post-graduation, the strength and stability, which come from being all in, are rewards in and of themselves.

Author: Olivier

Olivier writes many of the site's articles, some articles requiring many hours of research; he also helps with site strategy/focus. He has a Bachelors in Accounting, Masters in Theology, and is currently an accounting manager for a teleconferencing solutions company. In his spare time he enjoys reading, writing, NFL, and movies.

39 Responses to “5 Reasons Why Waiting Gets Easier After College”

  1. Sally says:

    Great job ThatGuy!! I really enjoyed it and this does help make me feel a little bit better =)

  2. Anonymous says:

    You know…honestly, while one’s stock does rise, I can’t see the point of marrying someone who hadn’t waited. I mean, it’s kinda too late for all those girls who slept around or wanted to take my V-Card to make themselves be of any worth to me or gain any level of compatibility with me, as the decision to wait has affected so many of the other ares of my life, as to make it impossible for me to get/be understood by said women. And besides, I’m sure I’m not the only wtm guy out there who is at least slightly creeped out by non-wtm girls, lol. Always wondering what’s on their minds and never able to truly let my guard down, lol…May sound harsh and it IS me eternal position (as I’ve probably made clear numerous times), but the reality of the matter still stands. Besides, I’d rather die a single, childless bachelor than cause any poor child to have to suffer the fate of being raised by a hypocritical ‘slept-around-when-she-was-younger’ mother. That would be heartlessm imo.

    Tempest Desh

    P.S.: All in all, you still do have many points. I mean, waiting does give you the advantage…as in you have some solid reasons to reject someone you find unsavory, lol…hopefully finding someone who has waited…

  3. ThatGuy says:

    Sally — Thnx! I’m glad this helped you… even if it was just a little bit =P

    TD — Thank you for your post, I appreciate the feedback.

    With regards to your “stock”, I was not endorsing marrying a non-waiter (although I’m somewhat open to it). I was simply mentioning that it feels awesome and refreshing to be appreciated and valued, especially when you had to endure a time where jerks were placed on a pedestal. And with this “higher demand” you have more power to reject or accept potential love interests…that’s all I was saying.

    And, yes, I do find your view about women who have not waited incredibly harsh. I mean, you can’t just lump them all together. There’s a difference between a woman who has been with 1 guy and a woman who has been with 35 guys. I can completely understand how your decision to wait has affected other areas of your life, I’m sure it’s like that with all of us, and I can completely sympathize with your wanting another waiter. But I sense a lot of bitterness, man. That’ll just eat you up inside… i know from experience. Lemme know if you wanna talk.

  4. Brittany says:

    I’ve been dating this guy for a year and everything is cool. But he is having a problem with not having sex,which is understandable. I’m 23 he is 22 years old he has it going on,nice family,college student,respectful but hes having trouble with waiting. You think if he steps out that,he doesn’t like me the way he said he did?

  5. Sally says:


    I think you’re a bit harsh on judging women who are not waiters. In conversations I’ve had, there is a HUGE difference in a woman who will sleep with whoever she fancies (i.e. hooks up on weekends),or women who ONLY do in committed relationships–i.e.have only slept with 1-2 guys up until early/mid twenties.

    If I had my way, I would prefer a WTM man. But what if I really like a guy who has slept with 1 or 2 girls before? Should that alone stope me from a wonderful relationship?

  6. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Brittany!

    Thank you for your post!

    There is nothing wrong with having trouble with waiting. As you said, that’s perfectly understandable.

    I’m not sure what you meant by “steps out”? Did you mean leave the relationship? Well, if he leaves the relationship, that definitely means he didn’t like you the way he said he did (I apologize for being blunt).

    Also, if he’s pressuring you for sex, or if you feel like the relationship is in jeopardy because of lack of sex, those are warning signs as well.

    You probably know this, but communication is key. Have a nice long talk with your boyfriend. Where do you both see the relationship going? Can he truly wait till marriage? Does he appreciate/value/respect/honor you for your choice? These are all things for you to reflect on.

    In my OPINION, if a man can’t respect the fact that your waiting, he doesn’t deserve to call you his girlfriend.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I’m in my second year of college now and the outlook on my choice seems so bleak! I was really glad to find this. At this point I stopped dating because even when I start I will tell the guy “I’m not going to have sex with you and if you don’t like that its cool, no judgment, but let me know now” and they ALL say “oh no i so respect your decision” then after like 3 dates they’ll be trying to get me in bed!!! Other guys have told me I should sleep with them so I don’t end up alone and if I don’t then there’s no guys out there who will be with me. It’s ridiculous and I was starting to feel like I was the last 19 y/o virgin in the world!! XD

  8. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Anonymous,

    Thanks for your post.

    College is incredibly difficult and I can understand your frustration. While “waiting” is a difficult decision, I think college may be the peak of that difficulty. I hope this site shows you one thing though… you’re not the last virgin out there :-D. There are a decent amount of virgins out there.

    Your decision to date is your’s and your’s alone. Can I say one thing though? Don’t develop bitterness. ‘Cause for all you know that special someone might notice you, and you don’t want your bitterness to scare him away because of what idiotic guys have done to you in the past.

    Those guys that tell you to sleep with them to avoid loneliness are complete idiots. First of all, some of the loneliest, most empty people I knew in college were super promiscuous. Secondly, the amusing thing is, even if you slept with those guys, they’d STILL leave you for some moronic reasons. Guys like that have no character and they don’t stay for long. Thirdly, there are plenty of guys who would love to meet a woman like you.

    You’re on the right track. Focus on your studies, your career, and your character. If you don’t have a hobby, get one. Continue crafting yourself into an amazing woman so that the REAL guys, the ones many girls will be chasing later, will come flocking to you.

  9. Sophie says:

    I love #4! Thank you so much for posting this! As a freshman in university, it has been incredibly difficult to deal with everyone talking about hook-ups, current hook-ups, f**k buddies, etc. I have very little commonality with these people and it is so hard to get engaged in a conversation because it will inevitably turn to sex or some talk of relationships. But to me (and this applies only to females,) the main reason which makes waiting easier is the reminder of pregnancy: I will NEVER get pregnant in university, have to drop out, and support my child. Because I value education over all else, it makes me feel better to know that pregnancy will not be a concern for me (although I do want kids eventually!)

  10. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Sophie,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback! My goal was to provide encouragement while being realistic and I’m happy this brought you encouragement!

    I’m happy you liked #4. I can tell you it’s the honest truth, at least in my case it is. Sometimes I look back and say, “I wish someone would’ve told me this stuff”.

    Oh and by the way. This girl I knew in college, she used to be really active in campus, and then one year she kinda vanished…kinda disappeared. I dunno if it’s true, but I heard through the grapevine that she got pregnant. Pregnancy is definitely a risk. Keep on waiting 😉

  11. Anonymous says:

    Loved this article! As a 25 year old from NYC, I was starting to think that no one (post-college) actually held these views. Such a refreshing and inspirational read! Thank you :)

  12. ThatGuy says:

    I’m glad you enjoyed the article, anonymous. There ARE people post college who have these views. Not many of us, but we’re out there. :-)

  13. Anonymous says:

    What really struck me was that it was written by a post-college male (I’m assuming this based on your name). I know there ARE people out who share these views, they’re just pretty non-existant in NYC lol…once again, really great piece. Keep these articles coming!!

  14. ThatGuy says:

    Yes, you’re right. I am a post college male.

    Guess what? I’m from Long Island, NY. Not exactly NYC but not too fair either. Hopefully that gives you a tad bit of hope 😉

  15. Anonymous says:

    Oh WOW. Are you trying to pull my leg? lol It’s like a new surprise every time I come on here. Definitely going to pass along to some of my friends. If you don’t mind my asking, what part of LI are you from? I have some family and friends scattered throughout.

  16. ThatGuy says:

    Lol not pulling your leg at all.

    I don’t wanna be too specific, but I will say Suffolk county. More towards the western part of suffolk county.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Totally understandable. We are practically neighbors 😉

  18. ThatGuy says:

    Awesomeness :-)

  19. Tempest Desh says:

    Dunno if this means much at this point, but having reflected on things, it seems like my understanding of my views on things is a little deeper. I guess I might have to chalk this up to past experience (my harsh judgementalism). The thing is, I guess it’s kind of a defense mechanism. I’ve only met one girl in my life who accepted me for all my faults and mistakes. In her case, I’d make the effort to accept her, even if she had had sex outside of marriage. I mean, I actually did tell her (fully believing this) that I wouldn’t judge her. I suppose, if I met another girl as accepting as her, I wouldn’t act in such a jagoffish manner. The thing is, I’ve gone through life, as of late, feeling insecure due to academic/life mistakes…and I guess the only major thing (other than my somewhat developed intellectualism and attempts to grow spiritually), I’ve felt like I haven’t had that much to offer, as far as relationships are concerned. Hence, having dealt with some of the bad types of girls (as mentioned in Mike’s article on the topic), I’ve gotten into this rut of feeling like I could/can never get over my past (heck I can’t forgive myself for those mistakes), that I’d have to react like that, since in the area of sexual virtue I’d have the advantage. P***pore approach I know, but I’m working on it. Besides, if I met the kind of girl who’d fallen into that and regretted it ( and she felt for me, as I’d feel for her), I could only see myself giving her a hug and telling her I wouldn’t judge her…and that I knew what it was like to feel like ya couldn’t escape your past. If it was love, I’d honestly want to be the kind of guy who would stick around and help her make a peace with that past (and vice versa). The only issue is, I’d have a problem marrying her and having and raising kids with her. Any kids I might have, I’d want to raise as strong Muslims…and having a wife who didn’t wait would make it that much harder. I mean, I MIGHT be able to make a long term peace with her past (and mine), BUT my kids? I mean, have you ever had an alcoholic tell you not to drink alcohol…or a fornicator/adulterer tell you not to do likewise? How could they respect her…or me, after finding out (the truth always rises to the surface, eventually)? I guess if I wasn’t so adamant about taking Life seriously, I could let all these problems accumulate and end up a 45 year old dad, having kids who slipped into these bad lifestyle choices because they could respect my attempts to teach them the right way of life (or their mother’s for that matter). I’m just trying to deal with this, before it’s too late. I don’t want this kind of stuff eating away at me for 20-30 years…and at the same time, being a celibate bachelor for life, just isn’t my thing…just as much as giving up on the waiting-till-marriage decision isn’t my thing.

  20. NTR says:

    I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now, and the only chance that we get to see each other is when I go and bring her to my house which is 2 hours away. We only get to see each other on weekends and she does not have her drivers license, so, She always stays the weekend with me.

    We are both very in love with each other, and struggling to wait. Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle, any help?

  21. ThatGuy says:

    Hello NTR!

    First off, congratulations on waiting this long with your girlfriend.

    Tough question, very tough question. The fact that you’re actually in a committed relationship makes it harder. I don’t know much about you or your situation, but here’s what I can think of off the top of my head:

    1) On the weekends, do you guys spend most of your time at home? If so, maybe try going out. It doesn’t have to be bars/clubs but try and see if you can get outside the house more. I say this because if you guys spend most of your time inside, in private, you guys are more likely to “slip up”.

    2) Your girlfriend doesn’t have her driver’s license? Well, is that something you guys can work on? Maybe you could give her driving lessons? That would be something fun to work on :-). Also, if she were able to drive is it possible she wouldn’t have to sleep at your place, thus lowering the temptation?

    3) I don’t know if you guys sleep in the same bed, but if you do this may be something to discuss. Maybe you can lay with her for a certain amount of time and then sleep elsewhere?

  22. NTR says:

    I shall try these
    I think if she got her licence(trying to get it before she turns 21…so about 5 months away) thought we would still stay stay at each others house. We do share a bed, and some of the best nights of sleep I have gotten was next to her, but it does making waiting harder. We do make sure to sleep in things other than undergarments, but i may have to start sleeping on the floor.

  23. ThatGuy says:

    NTR — sounds good! I hope everything works out. By the way, you and your girlfriend are more than welcome to join the forums. We’d be happy to have you!

  24. Struggling says:


    I just wanted to say thank you for posting this article. It truly is difficult to wait- and I was looking on the internet for “motivation”. It is refreshing as always to hear about people who are committed to this idea! My boyfriend and I are waiting- but both are having a very hard time waiting.

    Thank you for your article!

  25. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Struggling,

    I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback.

  26. DarkAngel says:

    While I understand where you all are coming from with wanting to marry a fellow waiter, it does seem like you’re being a tad bit narrow minded. I didn’t wait, but it was because my first boyfriend kind of date-raped me, and that made me feel so worthless and used up that it felt like it didn’t matter whether or not I had sex, and so I ended up having sex with a couple other people before God kind of smacked me upside the head and made me realize that it was not right. I changed my attitude, and stopped even dating until my now-fiance came into my life. He has waited for me and struggles with the fact that I didn’t, but at the same time he acknowledges that I am MUCH more than just a vagina, and that my worth is not tied to whether or not I had sex with other people, especially since I did not emotionally invest in them, and because I am truly able to say that HE is the only person I have ever loved. He is saddened and hurt by the fact that I had sex, but he knows that the relationship is about much more than sex. He knows I am the one person who will love him no matter what- no matter how much his struggles cause him to say hurtful things to me, I still love him with my whole heart, and he recognizes the value of that. He recognizes my worth as a person, he loves how compatible we are and how in love I am with him. There is so much more to me than just the fact that I had sex with three people before him. He knows that I regret it and wish I could change it and that I consciously made a decision to start waiting for him, and he appreciates all that and deeply appreciates me as a person. He knows that however unhappy my sexual mistakes make him, I as a PERSON make him happier than he has ever been in his life. Please, realize that a non-waiter is still a person! They are more than just a penis or a vagina- they have feelings, emotions, and an enormous capacity to love if you will only give them a chance! That statement, however, is only true if the non-waiter has changed their attitude towards sex and brought it in line with your attitude (preferably before they even met you). That statement is only true if the non-waiter is as absolutely, head over heels in love with you as they possibly can be. Please remember that it is possible for a non-waiter to be “the one.”

  27. ThatGuy says:

    Hi DarkAngel,

    Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback. From what it sounds like, you’ve found true love and I’m happy for you and your fiance.

    I apologize if we come across to you as narrow minded, however many of us are certainly not. Many of us are open to dating non-waiters, including myself (as I mentioned in post #3 above) provided that they are willing to wait for us. There are actually several members here who have actually dated people who have already had sex.

    I agree with you completely: a person is defined by much more than a penis or vagina or the number of sexual partners he/she has had. Just because a person has had sex doesn’t mean that they can’t love and make others happy. I agree that “the one” may be someone who has already had sex.

    Thanks again!

  28. Beau aka dodgedude ;) says:

    I’ve been meaning to comment on this for awhile! First off, awesome work ThatGuy! I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments. I agree with all 5 points but #4 is my favorite because it’s so true. For someone who’s WTM college can be frustrating and even alienating at certain points when you feel like you’re alone and that no one shares your views. But now that I’ve been out a year and a half or so its gotten so much easier!! I work with guys who are older and married with young children and no longer do I have to listen to some random guy (or girl) in one of my classes talk about hooking up at some party or whatever. I’ve become much more sure of myself and my decision (more mature too maybe?) and am definitely, as you said in point #5, ALL IN!

  29. ThatGuy says:

    Hey DodgeDude,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback!

    It’s nice to have the points that I’ve made be affirmed. #4 seems to be a pretty big favorite among people :-). It is indeed easier, isn’t it? Lotsa times I say to myself “I wish I would’ve known this”.

    Thnx again!

  30. Krish says:

    This made me feel awesome! :)
    Im 18, In college and im already starting to see these changes in the older bunch in the Uni… they seem like theyre actually looking for someone serious, but cant find that “one”… and they keep making the mistakes repeatedly!! :(

    I am currently the head of the abstinence commitee in my college and gladly, we are getting at least one new member every week!! :)

  31. ITs ME says:

    im a 20 year old college kid that is still waiting on marriage. Im so glad to see that im not the only one out there with this point of view!! Although its pretty hard with all the temptations and all i managed to stay true and wait for my future wife!

  32. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Krish — thnx for providing feedback. glad you enjoyed it :-). It’s so awesome that your head of the abstinence committee. Keep up the good work!

    Hi “Its ME” — thnx for posting. I’m happy you enjoyed it. College is hard but it does get easier/better.

  33. A whore with a sad story says:

    Wow. You know, my parents waited for each other. I’ve always thought that was amazing, you know? My mom was 19 and my dad was 22 when they got married. About 29 years later, they’re still together. When I was 15, however, life spat in my face. I fell in love with someone and he raped me. Since then, I would screw my life up on my own. I want to change, though. I recently became single, so now’s definitely a good time to start. However, I feel very scared. I’ve never felt like I was a valuable person. I know my value has gone down in the eyes of many people who are waiting or have waited for marriage. That’s what scares me the most. If the guys that want sex now won’t accept me and the guys that want a virgin won’t accept me, how can I even let myself hope for marriage? I have had men tell me they love me, but in the end, they were all the same. I’m not saying they all lied to me because a lie isn’t really a lie if the person telling it believes it, you know? One thing I know for sure is that sex clouds the eyes of your heart and the reason why so many relationships and marriages fail is because having sex fools people into believing they love someone. Love almost never follows sex. If a man were to want a relationship with me without having sex, I’d actually feel really sorry for him. At 19 years old, I have long since past the point of going through what the average woman goes through in her lifetime, and trust me, going through so much has made me into a woman that is difficult to love and a woman that has even more difficulties loving. I have mostly accepted my fate to be a crazy cat lady already. I haven’t completely given up yet, but I’m coming pretty close. I am sometimes told that I’d probably make a good wife and mother, but I know better. I have too much emotional baggage and mental problems. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m jealous of the fact that they’re still virgins and that I pray that you guys never give in to life’s temptations. Of all the people I know in the world that had sex before marriage, there is only one couple that I know that is married and still in love. God wants us to wait not to be mean, but to protect us from stds, unwanted pregnancy, divorce, and more. Many people, like myself, don’t enjoy sex anymore. It’s a common side effect of having sex too young. Now I see sex as something that screws up the lives of children and I’m having troubles seeing it as something in a good category. The category I have it in mentally is the same category I have drugs, parties, drunkeness, and immature people in. Sex is supposed to be something beautiful. Well, maybe a beautiful life just isn’t in store for me. I’m glad to hear that there are people out there that haven’t ruined their life.

  34. ThatGuy says:

    Hello Sad Story,

    Thank you for coming here and having the courage to share your story.

    I was so saddened to see that you think your “value” has gone down to people who are waiting or have waited. Well, I am waiting for marriage and let me tell you right now, you ARE a valuable person. You are NOT a “whore”. You are near, dear, and precious to me and to Jesus. Your worth is SO MUCH MORE than the mistakes of your past. You’re defined by SO MUCH MORE than your sexual activity or the number of guys that you have slept with.

    Yes, there ARE men who would date/marry your. Your’s would not be the first story of a waiter/virgin marrying a non-virgin and it would not be the last. Or, maybe you’d find a guy who had a sexual history but had healed from it. The bottom line is that you would be doing yourself an injustice to write yourself off, or to deem yourself undeserving of a lovely life.

    You are NOT in the same category as some girl/guy who started having sex at a young age and who reaped the consequences. You had your innocence stolen from you and that’s a traumatic event with ramifications that I am not able to understand. I admire and envy your strength; had I gone through that I don’t know if I’d still be standing.

    The mental and emotional baggage you have is normal. How can someone go through what you went through and not have baggage? You know, I did another article, a book review on “Hooked: New Science…” and the book touches a tad upon people who have suffered traumatic sexual experiences…

    …And guess what? There is HOPE. This doesn’t have to be the end of the road for you if you don’t want it to be. You CAN have a beautiful life and enjoy the amazing gift of sex once more. You ARE a worthy, valuable, beautiful, woman and you can live the life Jesus wants you to live. Sure, it will take time. Maybe years of therapy, maybe spiritual rebirth, reconditioning your brain. But the good news is that there IS hope.

    Reputable, well-educated, professionals say that, from a scientific standpoint, there is hope for you. When you combine that with Jesus, there’s even more hope. It will take time, but there is hope. Just by coming here and wanting to change you’ve already made small steps towards change, and that’s admirable.

    Let Jesus into your life, seek therapy, and give yourself the beautiful life you know you want.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.

    You’re a valuable person.

    Anytime you wanna stop by and talk, feel free to do so.

    If you want to join our community, you can do that too. We’re open and we don’t judge; I’ve made some great friends here.

  35. Mike says:

    @Sad Story – I’l just add a little to the great stuff ThatGuy already said.

    There are three kinds of sex in my view:

    1. Self-destructive sex – This is any time you engage in a sex act with the same attitude that you do drugs, party too hard, or binge drink. It’s a willful act of self-destruction rationalized by blind spite and/or the memories of the things that haunt you. Self-destructive sex, like most self-destructive acts, is often proceeded by what Alcoholics Anonymous calls the “fuck it” mentality. Right before you do it, you think of a thing that pains you and you say “fuck it” and go through with the self-destructive act.

    This is the kind of attitude you seem to have towards sex. You seem to view it as an act of self-destruction, like drugs. In my limited understanding, it is common for young rape victims to become self-destructively sexual.

    I’d be way out of my depth if I tried to give you any advice on getting past the rape. There are lots more people better qualified than me to help you with that. But still, it can be done. You can move on, and you can have a healthy attitude towards sex again.

    You must figure out how to permanently replace that old attitude with a new one through new experiences and time (but again, I’m out of my depth here).

    2. Casual sex – This is what most of the world has on bad days. Most people don’t love everybody they date. They’re not out there whoring themselves out to chase the pain away, but they’re having sex with somebody that they don’t particularly feel much for (beyond physical attraction), either after a few dates or in an unfulfilling relationship.

    Casual, purely-physical (but non-destructive) sex is unideal and (IMHO) kind of gross, but it is not nearly as psychologically negative as self-destructive sex.

    3. Emotional sex. – Emotional sex is physical intimacy with somebody who you have a lot of warm & fuzzy feelings for. This is the best kind. It feels the best, it’s the most fun, and it’s the most psychologically healthy. This is what you should strive to find.

    My advice: Don’t become a crazy cat lady, but do stop looking for dating relationships. Instead, build friendships. Find you a nice doting guy friend. Some guy who’s sweet and funny, NOT A DOUCHE, and generally nothing like the guys you’re used to dating. Find a guy that you would normally friendzone, become friends with him, and then try dating him.

    Don’t trust your impulses; they’re probably still craving bad boys. Follow your mind for once, and see where it gets you. Date the guy you SHOULD date instead of the guy you want to date.

    As far as the dilemma about not being able to wait now (because non-waiters will want sex and waiters will want a virgin)…you’re missing one possibility: What about guys who are in a similar situation? There are guys out there who have decided to wait later after already having sex. We’ve already had several such guys join our forums here at So I wouldn’t give up hope just yet.

    And waiting for even a few years will help you reset yourself in regards to sex. You’ll be able to create new “first” experiences, and that will help shape the attitudes that you will carry forward into the rest of your life.

    The good news is you’re only 19! Lots of time left to figure this out. Just take it easy, don’t let yourself feel so much shame, and focus on finding some healthy replacement experiences.

  36. Anonymous says:

    @Sad Story: With my previous harshness worn away, I’d like to offer my condolences. I guess the key is to find an understanding guy who’s had similar experiences (I do know one friend in particular who was date-raped…and he’s a guy). I hold nothing against the kinds of people who had things violently forced on them. I mean, how could I? And I guess the issue for me isn’t so much a ‘virgin vs. non-virgin’ issue, but a ‘chaste vs. unchaste’ issue. If a woman was married once and divorced/widowed and know to be of good character, she’d rated way higher than an unmarried, unchaste girl, imo. I guess that the difference I’m getting at. I can’t say I have much to offer, on top of what Mike and ThatGuy have.

  37. Driven Forward says:

    @Sad Story- I just wanted to give you words of encouragement to seek God and to continue on a different road then the one that you have grown accustom too. I can tell from your comment that you are indeed a very smart girl and no where close to crazy (even if you feel that way most of the time). People make bad decisions some more so then others it seems but thanks to God we can see another day learn from our mistakes and grow to be a better person. I can say that wholeheartedly because your words hit home for me.
    I am 24 now and am celibate and waiting for God to give me a husband. I have turned from the wrong things I have done before finding God and given my life to him to workout. I had to let everything go and stop trying to fix myself and other people around me. To let God guide and teach me the things he wanted me to do. I also stumbled onto this site and found it extremely encouraging (especially when it seems like everyone’s doing it).
    Since I’m not physically pure(virgin) any more because of my wrong doings, I have grown to be at secure through spiritually purity. I can’t change my past, but can make a decision not to be the person I was, and look forward to the person that God is developing me to be. I just wanted you to know your not the only one. Your not alone. But things can get better. Through all mighty God all things are possible to those who believe. So I pray that one day you see that God made you for a reason, to love, comfort, and guide you. So seek him, help, and love his in his hands.

  38. Olivier says:

    Hi Driven,

    (I am “ThatGuy”). Thank you for that amazing post and powerful story. Regardless of your past, you are waiting till marriage and that makes you one of us. If you’d like to join the forums, please do so.

  39. Narek from Armenia says:

    I would like to tell all of you that in my country the girls who have not waited doing sex before marriege are considered as bitches. I do not want to hurt anyone but this thing about which I wrote refers only the girls who knows the morale laws and break them. There is a tradition of a red apple in our country that the girl have to have first time sex only the time when she got married. Nowadays it is increased the number of girls who break this rule but no one of Armenian boys who knows their past takes them as future time. We Armenians are more concentrated on the value of respect. This tradition is not refers to boys as it was wishing in the past. And there was not a such a rule that a boy must not have sex experience, but every boy who meet or is in a love with the girl who is a good girl he must not have anykind of sex contact with that girl. Otherwise he will spoil the reputation of that girl and the chances that the girl can have her own family decreases.

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