Being single is hard for those who wait. Let’s fix that.February 23rd, 2014 by Mike
If you’re waiting until marriage to have sex, being single is a special kind of torture. It’s tempting to think “oh it’s extra hard because I’m single AND still a virgin” but that’s not where most of the pain comes from. The pain comes from the powerful dream that seems to recede from you every day that you’re still alone.
You decided to wait until marriage to have sex because you cared a ton about love, commitment, and having a great marriage one day. Marriage is a major issue to you, and you’ve got a lot riding on it emotionally (and physically).
You have all these normal single person pains…
- I’m never going to find somebody.
- Is there something wrong with me? Am I defective?
- This is getting harder and more pathetic as I get older.
- Maybe I need to reexamine my entire life philosophy and everything I’m doing and have ever done.
- Since I have time, I might as well obsesses on all of those past relationships that maybe I took for granted.
- I wonder what my ex is up to. Probably something happy and better than me.
Plus these special waiting-specific pains…
- It’s because you’re waiting till marriage. That’s why you’re still single.
- Maybe it would have worked out with your ex if you weren’t WTM.
- The older you get, the more stigmatized you feel by society for still having your V-Card and pursuing childishly-optimistic dreams like waiting until marriage to have sex.
- The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who’s waiting.
- The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who can accept your desire to wait.
Most of these beliefs are irrational because they’re too generalized. When you’re feeling down on yourself, you start to catastrophize (you overgeneralize in the negative direction). To fix this, habitually pull your spiraling, catastrophic thoughts back down to the ground, break them up into specifics, then attack the specifics. Let’s try that with these catastrophic beliefs about waiting…
Irrational Belief #1: You’re single because you’re waiting till marriage.
If you gave up on waiting till marriage, how would you act differently? Would you go out and date fearlessly? Would you join all the dating websites, go to all the singles groups, flirt unabashedly at your next social gathering? Would you be confident in the knowledge that you could meet someone, and not have to worry about them rejecting you over waiting? Does that sound about right?
Waiting itself isn’t holding you back; it’s the inaction that you allow waiting to produce in you, driven by your fear of other people’s reaction to waiting. You could join all those dating sites right now, flirt unabashedly right now, and you’d probably find somebody, even though you’re waiting.
The fear of rejection over waiting that most of us have is a paper tiger (something that looks scary, but is actually weak and easily defeated). There are so many people out there, waiters and non-waiters, guys and girls, who are ready to accept you with your decision to wait (especially if you’re willing to strike a compromise on physical stuff). Find them.
Finally, your WTM status shouldn’t even come up until the dates are going well anyway, so there’s nothing stopping you from getting that far. Don’t pre-reject yourself on their behalf.
Irrational Belief #2: It would have worked with your ex if you weren’t waiting.
If you dated for more than a month, waiting itself wasn’t the only reason the relationship ended. If you’re going to get rejected for waiting, it will happen quickly, within the first month of dating. If your relationship actually gets off the ground and then ends, something else killed it, because by then they’ve already committed to a relationship with you despite waiting. Don’t underestimate the power of simple incompatibility, bad timing, and short-sightedness, and don’t overestimate the power of waiting.
Waiting is a convenient scapegoat to blame your failed relationships on. Don’t use it that way. Think deeply about your past relationships; see beyond the “it was the waiting thing” obstruction. Think about your attitude towards the relationship, about your ex’s attitude towards the relationship. Think about the ways that you were naturally diverging from each other in life course (if that’s the case). Think about how you’d wish you’d handled it differently. And then, most importantly, try to imagine encountering those same difficulties in the future, with a different person. How will you handle them better next time?
Even if it had worked, would you still want to be with that person? Really? No other issues? Then call them (if they’re single).
Irrational Belief #3: The older you get, the more stigmatized you feel by society for still having your V-Card and pursuing childishly-optimistic dreams like waiting until marriage to have sex.
If everybody accepted you for waiting, how would you feel? Sometimes, the hardest part of waiting is other people (or, what you think other people expect). Usually, if you take that pressure away (mentally) for a moment, and picture the whole world accepting your decision to wait, you’ll remember how much waiting means to you, and how much you still want to wait.
Also, getting older and being single carries it’s own, giant stigma. Don’t allow the normal pressure of being XX-years-old single mix with the pressure of being XX-years-old and waiting. If you removed the former, the latter would fall almost completely to zero. Waiting multiplies normal romantic pressures. Attack the normal pressure, not the waiting.
Irrational Belief #4: The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who can accept your desire to wait.
False. You are forgetting three things:
1. The older you get, the more marriage-minded your dates are. When you’re 18 and waiting, you’re asking somebody to potentially wait 5 years or longer to have sex. When you’re 28, and you’re both evaluating marriage potential. Marriage feels more like a looming occurrence, so you’re not asking them to wait forever.
2. The idea of waiting can become appealing to non-waiters after years of failed relationships. By your late 20s, every single person — waiting or not — carries a twinge of desperation about being single. They’re likely not happy about being single either, and maybe they feel that sex has lost some of its specialness during all their years of searching. So here you come: a super awesome person, with the ability restore specialness to sex. Some people will find that package appealing.
3. Mature evaluation of partners goes both ways. Again, will likely become more accepting of non-waiters as you get older because you learn to prioritize other values. In the same way, non-waiters get more accepting of waiters, for the same reason.
Irrational Belief #5: The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who’s waiting.
Good news! The older you get, the less you’ll care about finding somebody who’s waiting. I know that might sound like a depressing and revolting compromise, but it’s not. As you age, you’ll find values and qualities that are as important (or even moreso) to you as waiting. Also, the benefits of waiting (on your marriage) apply even if both partners weren’t waiting to begin with (it’s the waiting process itself that strengthens the relationship).
Still, this is true. Your pool of available waiter partners shrinks every year older you get. If that’s a big concern for you, start going to church singles events, and/or join our community and start meeting some fellow waiters. We’ve had 2 engagements and several couples already, and we haven’t even added formal dating features yet.