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Being single is hard for those who wait. Let’s fix that.

February 23rd, 2014 by

Being Single AND Still a Virgin Is Extra Lame

If you’re waiting until marriage to have sex, being single is a special kind of torture. It’s tempting to think “oh it’s extra hard because I’m single AND still a virgin” but that’s not where most of the pain comes from. The pain comes from the powerful dream that seems to recede from you every day that you’re still alone.

You decided to wait until marriage to have sex because you cared a ton about love, commitment, and having a great marriage one day. Marriage is a major issue to you, and you’ve got a lot riding on it emotionally (and physically).

You have all these normal single person pains…

  1. I’m never going to find somebody.
  2. Is there something wrong with me? Am I defective?
  3. This is getting harder and more pathetic as I get older.
  4. Maybe I need to reexamine my entire life philosophy and everything I’m doing and have ever done.
  5. Since I have time, I might as well obsesses on all of those past relationships that maybe I took for granted.
  6. I wonder what my ex is up to. Probably something happy and better than me.

Plus these special waiting-specific pains…

  1. It’s because you’re waiting till marriage. That’s why you’re still single.
  2. Maybe it would have worked out with your ex if you weren’t WTM.
  3. The older you get, the more stigmatized you feel by society for still having your V-Card and pursuing childishly-optimistic dreams like waiting until marriage to have sex.
  4. The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who’s waiting.
  5. The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who can accept your desire to wait.

Most of these beliefs are irrational because they’re too generalized. When you’re feeling down on yourself, you start to catastrophize (you overgeneralize in the negative direction). To fix this, habitually pull your spiraling, catastrophic thoughts back down to the ground, break them up into specifics, then attack the specifics. Let’s try that with these catastrophic beliefs about waiting…

Irrational Belief #1: You’re single because you’re waiting till marriage.

If you gave up on waiting till marriage, how would you act differently? Would you go out and date fearlessly? Would you join all the dating websites, go to all the singles groups, flirt unabashedly at your next social gathering? Would you be confident in the knowledge that you could meet someone, and not have to worry about them rejecting you over waiting? Does that sound about right?

Waiting itself isn’t holding you back; it’s the inaction that you allow waiting to produce in you, driven by your fear of other people’s reaction to waiting. You could join all those dating sites right now, flirt unabashedly right now, and you’d probably find somebody, even though you’re waiting.

The fear of rejection over waiting that most of us have is a paper tiger (something that looks scary, but is actually weak and easily defeated). There are so many people out there, waiters and non-waiters, guys and girls, who are ready to accept you with your decision to wait (especially if you’re willing to strike a compromise on physical stuff). Find them.

Finally, your WTM status shouldn’t even come up until the dates are going well anyway, so there’s nothing stopping you from getting that far. Don’t pre-reject yourself on their behalf.

Irrational Belief #2: It would have worked with your ex if you weren’t waiting.

If you dated for more than a month, waiting itself wasn’t the only reason the relationship ended. If you’re going to get rejected for waiting, it will happen quickly, within the first month of dating. If your relationship actually gets off the ground and then ends, something else killed it, because by then they’ve already committed to a relationship with you despite waiting. Don’t underestimate the power of simple incompatibility, bad timing, and short-sightedness, and don’t overestimate the power of waiting.

Waiting is a convenient scapegoat to blame your failed relationships on. Don’t use it that way. Think deeply about your past relationships; see beyond the “it was the waiting thing” obstruction. Think about your attitude towards the relationship, about your ex’s attitude towards the relationship. Think about the ways that you were naturally diverging from each other in life course (if that’s the case). Think about how you’d wish you’d handled it differently. And then, most importantly, try to imagine encountering those same difficulties in the future, with a different person. How will you handle them better next time?

Even if it had worked, would you still want to be with that person? Really? No other issues? Then call them (if they’re single).

Irrational Belief #3: The older you get, the more stigmatized you feel by society for still having your V-Card and pursuing childishly-optimistic dreams like waiting until marriage to have sex.

If everybody accepted you for waiting, how would you feel? Sometimes, the hardest part of waiting is other people (or, what you think other people expect). Usually, if you take that pressure away (mentally) for a moment, and picture the whole world accepting your decision to wait, you’ll remember how much waiting means to you, and how much you still want to wait.

Also, getting older and being single carries it’s own, giant stigma. Don’t allow the normal pressure of being XX-years-old single mix with the pressure of being XX-years-old and waiting. If you removed the former, the latter would fall almost completely to zero. Waiting multiplies normal romantic pressures. Attack the normal pressure, not the waiting.

Irrational Belief #4: The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who can accept your desire to wait.

False. You are forgetting three things: 

1. The older you get, the more marriage-minded your dates are. When you’re 18 and waiting, you’re asking somebody to potentially wait 5 years or longer to have sex. When you’re 28, and you’re both evaluating marriage potential. Marriage feels more like a looming occurrence, so you’re not asking them to wait forever.

2. The idea of waiting can become appealing to non-waiters after years of failed relationships. By your late 20s, every single person — waiting or not — carries a twinge of desperation about being single. They’re likely not happy about being single either, and maybe they feel that sex has lost some of its specialness during all their years of searching. So here you come: a super awesome person, with the ability restore specialness to sex. Some people will find that package appealing.

3. Mature evaluation of partners goes both ways. Again, will likely become more accepting of non-waiters as you get older because you learn to prioritize other values. In the same way, non-waiters get more accepting of waiters, for the same reason.

Irrational Belief #5: The older you get, the less chance there is of finding somebody else who’s waiting.

Good news! The older you get, the less you’ll care about finding somebody who’s waiting. I know that might sound like a depressing and revolting compromise, but it’s not. As you age, you’ll find values and qualities that are as important (or even moreso) to you as waiting. Also, the benefits of waiting (on your marriage) apply even if both partners weren’t waiting to begin with (it’s the waiting process itself that strengthens the relationship).

Still, this is true. Your pool of available waiter partners shrinks every year older you get. If that’s a big concern for you, start going to church singles events, and/or join our community and start meeting some fellow waiters. We’ve had 2 engagements and several couples already, and we haven’t even added formal dating features yet.

Author: Mike

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

29 Responses to “Being single is hard for those who wait. Let’s fix that.”

  1. Nicole says:

    Once again, a very good article, Mike! Just what I needed to hear. :)

  2. Mike says:

    Thanks, Nicole!

  3. Ruth says:

    Nice article! It gives hope.

  4. Katie says:

    Thanks for the article!! Reminds me that I’m happy with my decision to WTM (even though I didn’t in the past).

  5. Seth says:

    “The older you get, the less you’ll care about finding somebody who’s waiting.” Yeah, I can see this being true. I’m already starting to care less about them waiting and I’m in my mid-twenties. Virginity is not that big of a deal either because character is far more important. However, I will always want them to respect me for my decision and not shame me,think I’m weird or (whats even worse) respect me at first and then subtle seduction later. Thats my biggest concern with non-waiters (not saying all are like that). If they were willing to respect my boundaries and wait for me, then I will be glad to marry them.

  6. Jenn says:

    I really needed this, thanks! I love articles like this because they really enforce my resolve to wait. I still haven’t quite figured out where my “line” is as far as compromising goes, but I’m pretty sure that it stops above the clothes somewhere, at least until I have a ring on my finger. I fooled around with a boyfriend I had for a few months in high school, so I know now that while we stopped short of penetration, it still feels like that’s “cheating” to me. On the other hand, I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable marrying someone without ever having seen them totally naked before. I think a good compromise for me would be to wait until engagement to experience foreplay, then wait until my wedding night for sex. That way, there’s no nervousness about disrobing for the first time, so we can enjoy it a little more.

  7. Julie says:

    Mike! Your a genius! I just got messaged on OKCupid last week w/ someone championing my own values. I agree w/ your article. Thanks for the encouragement! I’m going to get out there and date more. Thanks!

  8. Mike says:

    @Julie – Yay! Congratulations!

  9. Anonymous says:

    I never understood why people value virginity so much. Basically what you are saying is that you want someone who is not experienced. Since when has a lack of knowledge or experience been a valuable commodity? You don’t pay a person who lacks experience in a profession more than someone who has experience. Only in religion does a lack of experience in something, like sex, count as a virtue.

  10. Mike says:

    @Anonymous – That’s an interesting perspective. I haven’t thought of it that way before. It applies well to how waiting is often pitched and sold, but maybe not as much to the experience that people have when they actually decide to wait. I think it’s a myth that waiting till marriage is about virginity. It gets portrayed that way far too often. But I think most of us (who actually wait) care more about saving something than denying everything, if that makes sense. I don’t consider myself or many of the other married waiters I know, as inexperienced. Most of us strike some kind of middle ground on physical intimacy in long-term relationships, so it’s not like there’s NOTHING. Waiters are just slightly more limited in experience, not lacking it entirely, and often the experience gap is filled with different kinds of intimacy in relationships.

    So continuing with the professional analogy, I’d look at most waiters and see a person who might have slightly less experience producing widgets, but who spent some extra time in the Quality Control department, and who tends to stick with one company for a long time, and who derives a lot of meaning from the work.

  11. Okuhle says:

    Thanks Mike

  12. J says:


    Another way to look at is as having something brand new. There are times when having something with nostalgia may be preferable to something brand new. However, I would probably prefer even for the item with nostalgia to be something I got brand new in the first place. Hope that makes sense. For example, I believe you can’t buy the perfect pair of jeans. You buy jeans and wear them and over time if they fit you just right, fade to the perfect shade, and get holes in just the right places, you have the perfect jeans. I would rather buy the jeans brand new and break them in, myself.

    As far as being experienced, should I ever get married, I would prefer that my future husband and I gain experience together. I think it would be so awesome for us to give each other something untouched by any other person, particularly the most intimate act that two people can engage in!!! As far as lacking knowledge and experience, that is the beauty of it, we get to learn TOGETHER!!! We will even be able to look back at our awkwardness (that’s a word, I looked it up) and laugh. And I CERTAINLY wouldn’t want my husband to think just because he has pleased other women, he can do the same things and please me!!!

  13. John Heese says:

    @Anonymous. Imagine two people that have never had sex before. If they married each other, it would be a learning experience for the both of them. They would have no other person to compare their partner to. They would have to learn from each other, and learn as they go.

    I think it is more common for a couple to be comprised of one waiter and one non-waiter. The person who has had sex before is more likely to want their partner to have some experience (I’m not saying that every person that has had sex is looking for someone with experience). In my opinion, I value someone who is teachable and patient above someone who is experienced. You can have someone with all the experience in the world and stubborn as a mule. Whether you are experienced or not, you will have to learn what your partner likes and what they don’t like.

    Besides, we are talking about sex which is just a fraction of the whole relationship. Please, let’s not magnify sex in a relationship when there are more important things in a relationship like finances, beliefs, values, parenting, etc. The fact is that when we all turn 80 or 90 years old, desire will eventually fail. Will you still be in love with your partner? How you build a relationship in the beginning will affect the future of that relationship. I hope that I am not overly preoccupied with sex (even though it is an important aspect in a relationship). I just think the conversations become one-sided and sex has the potential to be magnified.

  14. John Heese says:

    @J. I like your comment on April 2 about “learning together” and being able to laugh at the awkwardness (an actual word). That’s a great outlook and a refreshing attitude to have. The last thing anyone wants is to feel pressured to perform or worried about the unknown. Keep up the encouraging comments!

  15. C Dogg says:

    This isn’t helping me. I can’t freaking take this any longer!!! Losing my freaking mind.

  16. J says:

    I’m glad I can be an encouragement!!!

  17. charlotteishappy says:

    I agree with almost everything.I married young in my church community.
    Just the biggest problem,according to me is being single for too long.It is the same for the waiters and the non-waiters.With this difference that the non-waiters knows what the sex is and we don’t.Observing my friend who is still unmarried,some of them are affraid that they would never find someone.They want someone waiter as them but our community is small.We can’t go for someone who is waiter only because he is waiter.I had the chance to find my husband – waiter and my soul mate but the others are not like me.But they don’t want to go for someone non-waiter.The reasoning is understandable because they want someone in the same position as them.
    What to do in this case? :(

  18. Matt says:

    I don’t see myself settling for a non-waiter.
    I feel as though I’ve struggled to keep my virginity,
    I deserve the same. Secondly, I don’t think I’d be able to handle my partner’s past, emotionally. Wish I had too dating more seriously in high school. :(

  19. J says:

    At the end of the day, each of us has to decide if we are willing to be with a nonwaiter or someone who has previously had sex but has subsequently decided to wait. Personally, I’m not sure if I could marry someone who wasn’t a virgin. Then again, I am very content as a single person (notwithstanding that not having sex part). It’s relatively easy for me to be picky because of that. Yes, I do understand there are not a lot of virgins out there, but I only want to marry one man. I am not trying to tell anyone else how to think. It is a personal decision. I actually believe I SHOULD be more open, so I am not trying to defend my stance. I just know that if I did marry someone who had a sexual past, it would be extremely difficult for me to accept. He will no doubt have to give me grace and acceptance for areas of my past.

    Basically, we all have to draw the boundary for ourselves. We all have to seriously consider all the factors involved. As for our friends, sometimes the best thing we can do is listen as they verbally process through this. Just be there for them.

  20. Grant says:

    I’m 43 and a man. I was a virgin until I was 37; I strayed from the Lord and was afraid I’d die without having sex, so I took advantage of an opportunity when I met a woman through social media and started a long-distance relationship with. I learned a lot from the experience and got some things out of my system, but what I want to impart is this: it really doesn’t matter.

  21. Kyle says:

    It’s easy to not worry as much when you’re in your mid-20s and single. When you’re 10 years older and no woman has ever accepted the offer of date, after roughly 20 years of trying, it is soul crushing. And it isn’t just that women have said no; I could accept that a lot easier. It is the fact that they have rejected me with anything from a cheap, lame, lie to something as horrible as “do the world a favor and kill yourself.” What is even worse, the vast majority were women I met in church. I’ve been told to buzz off for reasons such as I will never be rich because my degrees are not the kind to lead to massive salaries, to the fact that I am ugly (I am not overweight, short, deformed, or such, although thanks to some unwanted genes, I’ve been losing my hair for about 10 years), “repulsive,” and my personal favorite, was that I am “intellectually beneath” her, which she sent me in an e-mail, again for the same reason as she thought my field of study is for idiots unlike her, a PhD in theoretical mathematics. The most common excuse though was I am “too nice” by which they meant I am “boring, “a wuss,” or am a “door mat.” Women always seem to say they want a “good/nice man” but always reject them and move from one jerk to the next, all the while whining about how bad he treated her and where are all the good men.

    My family pesters me night and day to “find someone” because my parents want grandchildren and it is up to me. My older sister doesn’t want kids and my younger sister likely cannot have any due to a medical condition. So the responsibility falls to me, and they can’t go a week without reminding me of it. Now they’ve started to try the shame route by telling me to “fix whatever is wrong with you that is making women reject you.” My dad even goes so far as to call me a disappointment. I don’t know what is wrong. I was raised to be a good, Christian man who treats women (and everyone for that matter) with decency, respect, and love, just as Jesus would. I’ve never been able to figure out why I deserved such mistreatment at the hands of Christian women.

    Most people do not believe me when I tell this; they think there is no way it could possibly be true. I couldn’t make this up if I tired because I couldn’t believe anyone could go through this. But I have and I know it is reality.

    And I’ve been praying to God for 18 years for a wife (when starting college) who would love me for who I am, accept me for my strengths, weaknesses, faults, quirks, habits, hobbies, and everything else, good or bad. I’m not perfect and never claimed to be. I am as imperfect as every other person on this planet. Every single day it becomes more and more difficult to trust God since the only thing I have ever received from him is silence.

  22. Lauren says:

    @ Kyle, I feel for you. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not worth it. I don’t know you personally, but you seem like a good person.
    It sounds very much like the women you have known are not worthy of YOU. Expand your social circle. Try online dating…it can be amazing. I had wonderful luck with it.
    Ignore your parents. It is not up to you to provide grandchildren. No one should make you feel guilty for that. That’s messed up on their parts, to be honest.
    Take a step back and work on boosting yourself up. Absolutely no one should be treating you like this. Take time to get your confidence up, and then approach dating in a new way.
    Try a dating coach for help. Or an experienced matchmaker. There are always more women available through those avenues than men. You will have a wide selection. They could really help!

  23. Anonymous says:

    made me feel normal again … after a long time :)
    good points

  24. Jenn says:


    I don’t know you, and you didn’t leave enough specific details to make a thorough assessment of your situation. However, if there is one glaringly obvious fact about your experiences, it is this: YOU are the common denominator in them. You are the reason you have not had any relationships in 20 years. Your lack of success brings up a lot of questions, and I will list them below:

    1) Have you done your very best to improve and maintain your appearance? Including bulking up at the gym, shaving your head since you say you’re losing your hair (if over 80% of it is gone, just go bald – it’s sexy!), and buying more stylish clothes.

    2) Have you exercised every avenue of meeting women? Do not go to bars, that is a dead end. Use dating sites if you haven’t, go to interesting events where there would be lots of women in attendance, learn to talk to (and flirt!) with women in every situation (look up Stephan Erdman, he’s a great source of insight, and NOT a pickup artist).

    3) If you’re concerned that you don’t make enough money, then take steps to improve that. Even if you can’t go back to school, there are other ways to make money on the side. My father started a salvage business when he lost his job and couldn’t immediately find work. He also sells things at the flea market on Sundays. Find ways to generate extra income, because it will give you a serious boost of confidence. Plus, it will show women how resourceful you are, which is a highly desirable trait!

    4) Don’t wallow in the past. It’s so easy to do, especially for us older virgins (I’m 33). Learn from your experiences, reflect on them, make the changes you need to, but do your best to keep moving forward. Remember, there’s a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror!

    5) Seriously consider the kind of women you are trying to attract. If you are only going for the cream-of-the-crop, youngest, hottest women you can find, it may be that your expectations for what you can pull are out of whack. Give yourself an honest assessment: are you the kind of guy the women you go for would be attracted to? If not, it may be wise to widen your preferences to include other types of women who might be better matched with you.

    Of course you can take my advice or leave it. I just hope you’ll really think about what I’ve said so you can make the necessary changes for the better. Good luck and God Bless!

  25. Ronnie aka rookiepilot says:

    Wow great comments, and Kyle I certainly feel your struggle.

    I’m quite active in my church community and I’m certainly the “Nice Guy”.

    Remember though that yes nice guys finish last, but nice girls do also.

    Though a lot of the time it seems like the nice girls are out chasing the bad boys as you mentioned.
    And many are, as I like to say, it isn’t about the many that I care about, it’s the one whom God has created.

  26. Niki says:

    I whole heartily needed to read this.

  27. anon says:

    Hi, I am new to this site and I LOOOOOVE IT. :) I agreed with what you said about how the older we get, the more marriage-minded people become.

  28. Noel says:

    What I can only say about this article is that no matter what you want for in your life is all nonsense in the eyes of God. It is all vanity a waste under the sun! You may enjoy life now, had a lots of girlfirends or boyfriends or any other relationship are just useless without Jesus in your life! No one can satisfies everyone except to the one who is the source and owner of our life. Why so worried much about your future and your present status? I am 47 and still single and not even experienced any relationship at this time since birth except to my personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ who is my lord and saviour since I was 12 years old! My life was so great and so fullfilling, I felt always happy and excited to encourage everyone out there, that there is hope and neautiful meaning of life in the name of Jesus! It is only Jesus who can satisfies my soul and my inner spirit that he can use your life to be a blessing to others not thingking much of yourself but in God who loved and cared for us so much! Our life is not about ourself or anybody else but it all about Jesus who died in the cross for our sins. Perfect relationship and view in life comes from him who is the author and perfector of our faith! God bless you all!

  29. Rose says:

    But, if they’re not a virgin, how do I know he loves me as much as I love him? I mean, I wait because I love him. If he doesn’t, he loves me less.

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