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The Pyramid of Personal Sexual Philosophies [PIC]

November 20th, 2009 by

No damnation implied.

Where do you fall? Where do you want to? Which level is right for you?

For much more detail on the Waiting Till Marriage Zone, check out The 3 Levels of Sexual Abstinence

Author: Mike

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org. Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

21 Responses to “The Pyramid of Personal Sexual Philosophies [PIC]”

  1. Sara says:

    I feel like I fit in the kissing only category, but I would probably slip into the everything but if I was long-term with a guy. (i.e. only comfortable with a hand job or masssages) Any advice on how to stick with it? Sometimes I feel lonely but I”m not sure if it is because I’m not really around a lot of guys/making the effort or because I”m waiting…

  2. Mike says:

    Hi Sara!

    Yeah, what that graphic doesn’t show right now is that the borders between the three waiting levels are very porous and often crossed over back and forth. Most people, if they’re at one level, will slip into the level below at times. Likewise, for non-waiting people, the border between “sex only in relationships” and “sex in and out of relationships” is porous and occasionally crossed.

    On the lonely thing, two points…
    1. Not being around members of the opposite sex at all will make you feel more lonely than being around them but not dating them. So just being around more guys should help on the lonely front a lot. You don’t have to make an effort to date anybody/find Mr. Perfect. But it may help to make an effort to fill your life with a few more prospects. It’s the lack of prospects that makes you feel alone and makes you question your decision to wait. If you have lots of guys around you that you theoretically could date, it makes you feel more hopeful, even if you never date any of them.

    2. If you think that being hung up on the waiting thing is preventing you from connecting with guys, try pretending like you’re not waiting. As in, don’t worry about when to tell him, don’t worry if he’s waiting too or just wants sex, just pursue some dates and take them as far as they’ll go without ever dropping the waiting-bomb. Pretend you’re just a normal non-waiter. Eventually, one dating-relationship may go far enough that you HAVE to tell him, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

    I think sometimes us waiting people get so hung up on how (and who) we SHOULD be dating that it’s hard for us to just date casually…and this hang up carries over into how we act around the opposite sex. Everybody has to be a potential wife/husband or nothing at all. For non-waiters, they can see somebody as “fun for a few dates at least” and be totally OK with that. It might help you to try on that casual attitude just for a little bit to de-stress.

    Anyhow, that’s just my 2 cents. Hope it helped!

  3. Sara says:

    Thanks!
    It did, I like youre second point a lot. Recently, I have had a couple real guy friends in my life and it’s nice to have them around–it does help with the lonely thing. My major is filled with mostly women, so it’s hard even in class to interact with guys. =/ I like the more casual take in just getting to know people, because I really do enjoy that and I don’t wanna get ‘hung up’ like some of my friends have.

  4. CHonenx says:

    Uh, it’s not just Christians Open your eyes a little. Every reiilgon, every race, every country has people with racial hang ups.Don’t generalize, it makes you just as bigoted as those you are questioning.

  5. Confused says:

    I am currently in a long term relationship with someone who is waiting. He seems completely able to hide his physical attraction towards me or doesn’t have any. He was more forward about his feelings before but we’ve gone from the everything but section to mostly the kissing only section (kinda in the middle). We’ve talked about it and what he’s comfortable with has changed but he says his feelings towards me have not. He likes to cuddle a lot and kiss. Do you have any advice on how to portray how I am physically attracted to him while staying within what he is comfortable with? He’s pretty ticklish all along his torso and neck and doesn’t seem too excited about back massages.
    I apologize if this is too forward. I’m just looking for a new perspective.

  6. Emily says:

    I feel like i fall into the everything but category (only in a commited relationship) but my boyfriend wants to do ‘it’ asap and we haven’t done anything yet and at this point i don’t want to. How do i tell him that i don’t want to go there yet and when we do, i don’t want to go all the way. And that i don’t want to go all the way until marriage

  7. Shirley says:

    Emily, make up your mind about your boundaries, then don’t do anything that you have decided against. If he asks permission, say no. If he does something without asking for permission, he is violating you. When he asks permission, be ready to answer*; don’t act like you need him to help you make up your mind–that’s dangerous.
    *If you haven’t decided, say no.

    Also, he sounds greedy.

    What do you mean by “a committed relationship”?

  8. Robert says:

    I fit into no datind till marriage. My reason is based on Biblical principles.

  9. Hope says:

    I am on the kissing only category

  10. Google@MissChristiLuv says:

    Insightful 🙂

  11. ememlab says:

    So i was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and I am trying to figure out if I am still a virgin or not even though my vagina has been penetrated by his fingers. As for the level that I was at before I broke off the relationship that we had for 2 ½ years, we were probably at a 2.5-2.75 ish because he gave me several hj but I never gave him bj or anything like that. He did pull me on top of him a few times and otheer times I put my self on top of him. We both did some heavy petting along with him fondling my breasts. But we were never cloth less totally. My shirt has never been fully off but was more than half way pulled up. One time, my pants were at my knees so that he could “get a better angle” is what he told me. I really needed to get this off my chest. Any comments about my experiences or answers to my question at the top would be appreciated. sorry if this is a bit graphic.

  12. Nana says:

    Hmmm if there was any penetration i can say u are not but if there was nothing of that u r still a virgin

  13. Alex says:

    My girlfriend is abstinent and all but I don’t know if she gets upset when we border the 4th block. She did get “mad” when I tongue kissed her and I put my hand inside her shorts. But I honestly think she secretly liked it deep inside.

  14. Sarah says:

    Alex even if she likes when it’s more intimated you can’t do it if she want to stay virgin but if the temptation is too strong for her…

  15. help me says:

    I have been in a relationship for a year and recently got engaged to the most amazing guy in the world to me. I am super inlove and I thank God for him. I am not a virgin but I have been celibate since 2010 after I got born again. I had no problem all along with being celibate but now I got a serious problem. I am so turned on by my fiance and it drives me crazy. he wants us to be in the everything but zone until our wedding night which is next year. we have only been in the kissing zone for now . I feel guilty being a worshiper and youth leader at church and I have 3 younger sisters to be an example to. I feel like the presence of God will leave me if I go to the everything but zone. I want to but I got a lot of pressure. What is a girl to do?

  16. Vee says:

    If faith is your reason for waiting then have faith that God can see you through this. No that your waiting will be rewarded with greater intimacy later. If you need to set up boundaries that keep you from making a decision to do something that you have already decided not to do. Set up boundaries with your boyfriend that will help you both remain celibate until your wedding. Try to remember why you’re waiting as a way to avoid making a decision that you can’t take back.

  17. Emily says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we were at the “everything but” stage, but recently, he dropped the waiting-bomb on me, saying he wants to fall in love with my personality first, then my body. I’m grateful he thinks that way, and we’ve now gone to the” kissing only” block. (With kissing everywhere above the chest) but I can’t shake this feeling that I want to go back to the “everything but” block. Ive talked about it with him, and he said, “if we do that, even if it’s foreplay, then what’s the point of getting married? Plus it would lose its intimacy; we would be just going through the motions.” Plus he’s afraid of “hurting me”. I still can’t shake this feeling though! I love him dearly and he’s helped me through so much, and Ive helped him the same way, and I respect his decision, and I don’t want to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, but I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to wait another five or six years to do it with him again!

  18. amanda says:

    is dating ok but without comprimising to sex when you are a child of god

  19. chilemu musangu says:

    never try sex before marriage once you do,it will become difficult to stop you will be addicted.

  20. chilemu musangu says:

    I have been with my girlfriend for four years and we are abstaining.

  21. Abby says:

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years (in 3 weeks), but we were friends for about three years before we ever started dating, during which time we grew very close until we just decided to call it what it was and start dating. We knew each other very well – though we are still learning new things about each other every day, but ultimately, we know the character of one another. Until him, I had never even kissed a guy (I was 22 when we had our first kiss) because I was extremely afraid, and even disgusted with the idea of sex or any kind of intimacy. I’d had opportunities to kiss other men in the past, but I never trusted anyone to let them close enough to my face to actually do it, you know what I mean? Anyways, I loved him; I knew him for years, and we had gone through things in our friendship that had proved he was a man who respected women and boundaries, and was someone I could trust – and I truly loved him. As we dated, his character was only proven more and more. As we continued to grow closer in our relationship, learning how to cross boundaries that we were now able to, being “more than friends”, holding hands, etc., I began to trust him and love him in a deeper way. Again, because of experiences I had had in my past, with porn and just the way sex was depicted in the culture (movies, TV, etc.) I was disgusted by sex, specifically with men. Like, the thought of (forgive my crudeness) a penis being inside me would often make me feel physically sick, because of the violence toward and objectification of women I had seen so prominently displayed in our culture. As we grew closer, however, we began to grow closer physically. He never ever pushed himself on me, I want to make that abundantly clear. He never put any pressure on me whatsoever. The subject of kissing was never even mentioned (besides the fact that I had never kissed anyone) until I one day told him he could kiss me if he wanted. And after that, we grew in trust, to the point where I was feeling comfortable to let him touch me and be close to me and everything. But he would always stop if I asked him to. I prayed throughout, earnestly, asking God if it was okay – not to attempt to clear my conscience or anything, but because I truly want to do the right thing. I never felt any sort of conviction about it, and I truly (I always feel the need to emphasize, because despite what I say, people think I’m just “saying” it) wanted to do what was right and be within God’s will. It seemed okay.

    Physical affection is my number one love language, but I had never trusted any man enough to let him love me in that way. My boyfriend proved himself trustworthy, and the affection we showed each other felt like a pure expression of that love and trust. Eventually we did have sex, though only after we had both declared our commitment to each other. I would never have allowed him to have sex with me, nor would he with me, if I was not certain of his faithfulness and commitment – which is something I had known and seen long before we were dating, before the time when people say the guy “puts on a good face”. I had seen his character and known he was a man of his word, and a man of God. We have never stopped going to church or become distant to the church community. Sex is not our focus, and at times when it has become too overwhelming or distracting or anything, we have abstained for a while, so we can refocus our intentions and love.

    Later we were talking about it, and we were wondering what does “marriage” mean in God’s eyes? I was comparing it to when you are saved – since marriage is a representation of Christ’s relationship to the church. Because when you are saved, you have a moment privately with God, where you enter into the covenant relationship with Him, right? That is when you receive the new birth and the Holy Spirit? And then you have a baptism, which is a ceremony to declare your commitment before men. So we wondered if it was similar. We privately committed to one another, and soon we are going to have a wedding ceremony, where we will declare our commitment before friends and family. We did not enter into sex lightly. We did so only after committing ourselves to each other before God.

    And the thing I have a problem with, within Christian communities and the idea of “waiting”, is that once you are married, you are expected to have sex that night. But for people like me, I would never have been able to do that. If we had never grown physically, and I had never learned to trust him, how could I be expected to go from zero to 60 in the course of 24 hours? Even if we had waited until marriage, if we had never done anything besides kissing, I do not believe I would have been able to have sex with him for months afterward. Because it took me months even to feel comfortable to let him touch me, then months to feel comfortable even looking at him naked, because of my previous disgust with men. Even now, I tell him that his is the only penis I like (sorry, lol tmi).

    And the other thing I do find difficult is the idea of things being super black and white. I used to be a very black and white thinker, and at times I still am, but I realized that was due to naivety. Of course I believe there is absolute truth, but I also believe there are many more grey areas than is often taught from the pulpit, especially in the area of sex and physical affection outside of the marriage. Because my number one love language is physical affection, I do not believe the kind of trust and closeness could have been built between us if he was not able to display his love to me physically. I don’t specifically mean sex. But I mean the way some Christians will say that holding hands or kissing or making out is “bad”, therefore making my number one love language a sin, rather than a pure expression of love, which is what it is for me! My dad is a very affectionate person, for examply, and I feel the love of God when I am in his arms or holding his hand. I feel safe and completely loved. And that is nothing but a pure expression, what it is intended to be. Yet, in the dating relationships, I have been told that it is wrong to hold hands or kiss or anything else, and it has felt like they are trying to pervert what is coming from a pure heart. I want to express myself (obviously appropriately, within different relational boundaries) and the love I have, and I want that love to be received for what it is, without the implication that there is something evil behind it. Of course I accept that the heart is wicked and can often be deceitful, but I also accept that this is how God made me, and there is nothing wrong with it. So I don’t believe I could have grown honestly in true covenantal love with my boyfriend, soon to be husband, without the freedom to express my love through physical affection, and have that love accepted and reciprocated. Again, I don’t specifically mean sex, but in this case, the freedom to express myself sexually, within our covenantal love, has been God’s way of healing me from my fears and scars and a way of cementing the love that was already there.

    Sorry this was so lengthy, but there are my two cents.

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