How I Got Over My Fiancé’s Sexual PastMarch 4th, 2012 by Jennifer
I had always dreamed of finding my soul mate, even before I could even begin to understand what love really was. When I was in my late teens, I made the decision to wait for the man I would marry. It was a relatively easy decision, because I knew that I only wanted to share that experience with one man in my life, and I knew that waiting to find him would probably be a long and lonely road, but I felt that it would be worth the wait, no matter how long. Turns out I got lucky, and really didn’t have to wait that long at all.
How I met my fiancé
I met my fiancé entirely by chance one day. I remember the day I met him as if it were yesterday. I had been on my lunch break when a handsome young man approached me and asked what department I worked in. It turned out we were both working for the same company, but in separate buildings, so we had never run into each other until now. I cannot even begin to describe the strange feeling that hit me when I first made eye contact with him. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach and I just knew he was special. We eventually made plans to see each other again, and the more I got to know about him, the more I liked him. He was so respectful, polite, and smart and seemed to be everything I had ever looked for in a man.
there was a part of me that was scared that he would have difficulty accepting having to wait, and that he would walk away
No matter how much I liked him, there was a part of me that was still cautious, because I had no idea what he expected of this relationship. Taking a chance, I was completely honest with him. I told him that I was a virgin, and that I was planning on waiting until marriage. I said that all I wanted was honesty, and there was a part of me that was scared that he would have difficulty accepting having to wait, and that he would walk away. Looking back on it now, it was a win-win situation for me. If he accepted my choice to wait, we would continue getting to know each other. If he had walked away, I would have known that he wasn’t the right person for me. But he told me that all he wanted was honesty too, and he told me that he would wait for me as long as he needed to.
We continued getting to know each other, and as time went by, I fell very deeply in love with him. We were honest about everything, and remain so to this day, and I credit that honesty and trust as the major foundation of our relationship. When we began to discuss sexual history, I was initially completely fine with everything. He was not a virgin, but he was completely honest with me, and answered any question I had. We had a long discussion about the circumstances and I remember how emotional he was after he told me everything. He had told me how scared he was of losing me if I was unable to accept his past, and I grabbed his hand and told him that all that mattered was that we were together, and that I loved the man he was.
The jealousy begins
The jealousy feelings began to slowly creep up on me. I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it didn’t bother me when it did. I couldn’t understand my feelings at all. I loved him so much, yet I could not look past the fact that he was not a virgin. It was so incredibly confusing and difficult to try to understand. I was honest with him, and told him about how I was starting to feel, and I remember the look of sadness in his eyes.
He explained his past
He explained to me that he knew exactly what I was going through. He explained how he had thought exactly like me, and when he was younger, he was waiting for the right person as well. He had been saving his virginity and only wanted to be with one person in his life too.
When he was with his first girlfriend, he thought he had found the love of his life, the woman he would marry, and they eventually slept together. When that relationship ended, his heart was broken and he was devastated. He told me that giving yourself to someone you thought you would be with forever and then losing them was more painful than anything he had ever imagined.
He eventually tried again, and dated a girl for many years. This time he had convinced himself that he had finally gotten it right and found his future wife. That relationship eventually came to an end as well, after many long years and even marriage planning.
He described how heartbroken and hurt he was after that. What saddened me the most to hear was how he had decided to give up on love and waiting for the right person. He was convinced that sex was no longer anything special, because there was no one who viewed it as special as he did. He attempted to desensitize himself to the idea of love and sex because it didn’t seem to exist.
If you have never lost someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, you cannot even begin to imagine how painful it is to lose them. He was lost and didn’t want to be hurt anymore, so he chose to desensitize himself from what he had always believed: that sex was special. He slept with a couple more people, attempted to make relationships work with them but nothing came of them. He explained that he had essentially hit rock bottom and how he had come so far from the person he ever wanted to be and that he was done with relationships and would just remain single in order to protect himself from getting hurt anymore. He kept himself to that, and when I met him, he had been single for a while. What I realize now, is that the most important thing to take from all of this was that he gave himself one last chance to finally find love, and he gave that chance to me.
We talked it through, I apologized, and the issue seemed to go away on its own. Later that year, he proposed to me. It was an amazingly romantic proposal and he made it incredibly special. All was well for a few months after the engagement, and then the jealousy starting creeping up again.
Jealousy resurfaced in the middle of the engagement.
It consumed my thoughts. I almost felt cheated – that I had waited for him but that he hadn’t bothered to wait for me.
It was an absolutely agonizing couple of months while I battled horrible feelings of jealousy. I loved this man more than anything in the world, and had said yes to him when he asked me to marry him, but I just could not let go of the fact that he had slept with other people. It consumed my thoughts. I almost felt cheated – that I had waited for him but that he hadn’t bothered to wait for me. This obviously was not the case at all, since we didn’t even know each other at the time. Yet I somehow managed to convince myself that any sex we would have was much less special because he had slept with someone else. This is complete foolishness, pure and simple.
I somehow managed to convince myself that any sex we would have was much less special because he had slept with someone else.
Sex is what you make of it, and if you choose to make it into a negative thing by getting jealous, then that is what it will be. However, if you choose to view it as an expression of love and as a commitment to each other, then that is what it will be instead.
The jealousy led to arguments
The jealousy eventually led to big arguments that always ended with such sadness on both our parts because we both wanted the relationship to work so badly, yet we were both smart enough to realize that if this continued to be such a huge issue then we didn’t have much chance of surviving. There was nothing he could do to change how I felt, because you can’t change the past and I felt helpless, because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings.
I remember after the worst fight we had, I went home convinced that I had gone too far, and hurt him one too many times. His patience, although incredible, had finally worn too thin to deal with my jealousy and he couldn’t handle being constantly hurt by me. What I had done, was essentially chip away at the foundation of our relationship and had eventually destroyed it. I was so scared that I had single-handedly managed to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to me. He told me that he would always love me and that letting me go was the hardest thing he would ever have to do, but that if it made me happy to be with a virgin, he would do it for me because he wanted nothing but for me to be happy.
I had been focusing so hard on the fact that he wasn’t a virgin that I lost focus on the things that truly mattered
Take a second to let the magnitude of that statement settle in. Here was a man, telling me that he would love me no matter what. He was willing to let me go, compromising his own happiness, to see me happy. Now, consider what I had been doing to him. I had been focusing so hard on the fact that he wasn’t a virgin that I lost focus on the things that truly mattered – the love and commitment I had been hoping to find my entire life, which were qualities he possessed and I was essentially throwing all of this, and more, away.
As I sat there, and it began to sink in that our relationship was essentially over and done forever because I had taken it too far. It was so unbelievably unbearable and I was completely devastated. Now, if you are going to take anything from all of this, understand this: The absolute worst jealousy you will ever feel is nothing compared to how you will feel if you lose someone you truly love. The pain from that loss and that realization that they are no longer a part of your life is so much more painful than anything you can imagine. I can assure you that the fact that he wasn’t a virgin was the last thing on my mind. All of the little things, like the realization that he might never hold me in his arms again were so painful to even consider.
We are now happier than ever with each other and I can truly say that my jealousy will never stand in the way of our relationship again.
I had realized my mistake, but feared that it was too late and that I had hurt him too much. I apologized and we were able to talk it through and he was able to forgive me for all the hurt I had caused him. I knew in my heart that the jealousy would never be an issue again, and it hasn’t been since then. We are now happier than ever with each other and I can truly say that my jealousy will never stand in the way of our relationship again.
What to take away from my story
I realize that my situation is unique and everyone has different circumstances, but if you are going to take anything from this, just make sure you don’t make the same mistakes I did. Do not torture someone over their sexual history. It took me months and months to realize and understand what I was feeling, and I am lucky enough to have someone who loved me enough to stick by my side no matter how much I hurt them. There comes a point where you’ve hurt the person so much that they have no choice but to leave, and if they really are your soul mate, or the person of your dreams, then letting them go could potentially be one of your biggest regrets. I was so fortunate not to lose him.
What really matters is that you find someone who loves you, is committed to you, and respects your decision to wait.
What really matters is that you find someone who loves you, is committed to you, and respects your decision to wait. These are so important and hard to find! If you find someone who exhibits these qualities, do not overlook the potential for a future with them simply because they are not a virgin. If you are firm on your decision to find another waiter, then I respect that. I only say this because I used to be one of those people who only looked for other waiters. Don’t compromise your values and morals for someone, but just be confident in your decision, whatever it may be.
True love is rare to come by, and I wish that everyone could have the type of love I am fortunate enough to have. I really hope that at least one person can take something away from my experience, and apply it in a way that helps them to deal with their jealousy.
Update: We’re now married and happier than ever, with jealousy no where to be found.