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How I Got Over My Fiancé’s Sexual Past

March 4th, 2012 by

I had always dreamed of finding my soul mate, even before I could even begin to understand what love really was. When I was in my late teens, I made the decision to wait for the man I would marry. It was a relatively easy decision, because I knew that I only wanted to share that experience with one man in my life, and I knew that waiting to find him would probably be a long and lonely road, but I felt that it would be worth the wait, no matter how long. Turns out I got lucky, and really didn’t have to wait that long at all.

How I met my fiancé

I met my fiancé entirely by chance one day. I remember the day I met him as if it were yesterday. I had been on my lunch break when a handsome young man approached me and asked what department I worked in. It turned out we were both working for the same company, but in separate buildings, so we had never run into each other until now. I cannot even begin to describe the strange feeling that hit me when I first made eye contact with him. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach and I just knew he was special. We eventually made plans to see each other again, and the more I got to know about him, the more I liked him. He was so respectful, polite, and smart and seemed to be everything I had ever looked for in a man.

there was a part of me that was scared that he would have difficulty accepting having to wait, and that he would walk away

No matter how much I liked him, there was a part of me that was still cautious, because I had no idea what he expected of this relationship. Taking a chance, I was completely honest with him. I told him that I was a virgin, and that I was planning on waiting until marriage. I said that all I wanted was honesty, and there was a part of me that was scared that he would have difficulty accepting having to wait, and that he would walk away. Looking back on it now, it was a win-win situation for me. If he accepted my choice to wait, we would continue getting to know each other. If he had walked away, I would have known that he wasn’t the right person for me. But he told me that all he wanted was honesty too, and he told me that he would wait for me as long as he needed to.

We continued getting to know each other, and as time went by, I fell very deeply in love with him. We were honest about everything, and remain so to this day, and I credit that honesty and trust as the major foundation of our relationship. When we began to discuss sexual history, I was initially completely fine with everything. He was not a virgin, but he was completely honest with me, and answered any question I had. We had a long discussion about the circumstances and I remember how emotional he was after he told me everything. He had told me how scared he was of losing me if I was unable to accept his past, and I grabbed his hand and told him that all that mattered was that we were together, and that I loved the man he was.

The jealousy begins

The jealousy feelings began to slowly creep up on me. I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it didn’t bother me when it did. I couldn’t understand my feelings at all. I loved him so much, yet I could not look past the fact that he was not a virgin. It was so incredibly confusing and difficult to try to understand. I was honest with him, and told him about how I was starting to feel, and I remember the look of sadness in his eyes.

He explained his past

He explained to me that he knew exactly what I was going through. He explained how he had thought exactly like me, and when he was younger, he was waiting for the right person as well. He had been saving his virginity and only wanted to be with one person in his life too.

When he was with his first girlfriend, he thought he had found the love of his life, the woman he would marry, and they eventually slept together. When that relationship ended, his heart was broken and he was devastated. He told me that giving yourself to someone you thought you would be with forever and then losing them was more painful than anything he had ever imagined.

He eventually tried again, and dated a girl for many years. This time he had convinced himself that he had finally gotten it right and found his future wife. That relationship eventually came to an end as well, after many long years and even marriage planning.

He described how heartbroken and hurt he was after that. What saddened me the most to hear was how he had decided to give up on love and waiting for the right person. He was convinced that sex was no longer anything special, because there was no one who viewed it as special as he did. He attempted to desensitize himself to the idea of love and sex because it didn’t seem to exist.

If you have never lost someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, you cannot even begin to imagine how painful it is to lose them. He was lost and didn’t want to be hurt anymore, so he chose to desensitize himself from what he had always believed: that sex was special. He slept with a couple more people, attempted to make relationships work with them but nothing came of them. He explained that he had essentially hit rock bottom and how he had come so far from the person he ever wanted to be and that he was done with relationships and would just remain single in order to protect himself from getting hurt anymore. He kept himself to that, and when I met him, he had been single for a while. What I realize now, is that the most important thing to take from all of this was that he gave himself one last chance to finally find love, and he gave that chance to me.

We talked it through, I apologized, and the issue seemed to go away on its own. Later that year, he proposed to me. It was an amazingly romantic proposal and he made it incredibly special. All was well for a few months after the engagement, and then the jealousy starting creeping up again.

Jealousy resurfaced in the middle of the engagement.

 It consumed my thoughts. I almost felt cheated – that I had waited for him but that he hadn’t bothered to wait for me.

It was an absolutely agonizing couple of months while I battled horrible feelings of jealousy. I loved this man more than anything in the world, and had said yes to him when he asked me to marry him, but I just could not let go of the fact that he had slept with other people. It consumed my thoughts. I almost felt cheated – that I had waited for him but that he hadn’t bothered to wait for me. This obviously was not the case at all, since we didn’t even know each other at the time. Yet I somehow managed to convince myself that any sex we would have was much less special because he had slept with someone else. This is complete foolishness, pure and simple.

I somehow managed to convince myself that any sex we would have was much less special because he had slept with someone else.

Sex is what you make of it, and if you choose to make it into a negative thing by getting jealous, then that is what it will be. However, if you choose to view it as an expression of love and as a commitment to each other, then that is what it will be instead.

The jealousy led to arguments

The jealousy eventually led to big arguments that always ended with such sadness on both our parts because we both wanted the relationship to work so badly, yet we were both smart enough to realize that if this continued to be such a huge issue then we didn’t have much chance of surviving. There was nothing he could do to change how I felt, because you can’t change the past and I felt helpless, because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings.

I remember after the worst fight we had, I went home convinced that I had gone too far, and hurt him one too many times. His patience, although incredible, had finally worn too thin to deal with my jealousy and he couldn’t handle being constantly hurt by me. What I had done, was essentially chip away at the foundation of our relationship and had eventually destroyed it. I was so scared that I had single-handedly managed to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to me. He told me that he would always love me and that letting me go was the hardest thing he would ever have to do, but that if it made me happy to be with a virgin, he would do it for me because he wanted nothing but for me to be happy.

 I had been focusing so hard on the fact that he wasn’t a virgin that I lost focus on the things that truly mattered

Take a second to let the magnitude of that statement settle in. Here was a man, telling me that he would love me no matter what. He was willing to let me go, compromising his own happiness, to see me happy. Now, consider what I had been doing to him. I had been focusing so hard on the fact that he wasn’t a virgin that I lost focus on the things that truly mattered – the love and commitment I had been hoping to find my entire life, which were qualities he possessed and I was essentially throwing all of this, and more, away.

As I sat there, and it began to sink in that our relationship was essentially over and done forever because I had taken it too far. It was so unbelievably unbearable and I was completely devastated. Now, if you are going to take anything from all of this, understand this: The absolute worst jealousy you will ever feel is nothing compared to how you will feel if you lose someone you truly love. The pain from that loss and that realization that they are no longer a part of your life is so much more painful than anything you can imagine. I can assure you that the fact that he wasn’t a virgin was the last thing on my mind. All of the little things, like the realization that he might never hold me in his arms again were so painful to even consider.

 We are now happier than ever with each other and I can truly say that my jealousy will never stand in the way of our relationship again.

I had realized my mistake, but feared that it was too late and that I had hurt him too much. I apologized and we were able to talk it through and he was able to forgive me for all the hurt I had caused him. I knew in my heart that the jealousy would never be an issue again, and it hasn’t been since then. We are now happier than ever with each other and I can truly say that my jealousy will never stand in the way of our relationship again.

What to take away from my story

I realize that my situation is unique and everyone has different circumstances, but if you are going to take anything from this, just make sure you don’t make the same mistakes I did. Do not torture someone over their sexual history. It took me months and months to realize and understand what I was feeling, and I am lucky enough to have someone who loved me enough to stick by my side no matter how much I hurt them. There comes a point where you’ve hurt the person so much that they have no choice but to leave, and if they really are your soul mate, or the person of your dreams, then letting them go could potentially be one of your biggest regrets. I was so fortunate not to lose him.

What really matters is that you find someone who loves you, is committed to you, and respects your decision to wait.

What really matters is that you find someone who loves you, is committed to you, and respects your decision to wait. These are so important and hard to find! If you find someone who exhibits these qualities, do not overlook the potential for a future with them simply because they are not a virgin. If you are firm on your decision to find another waiter, then I respect that. I only say this because I used to be one of those people who only looked for other waiters. Don’t compromise your values and morals for someone, but just be confident in your decision, whatever it may be.

True love is rare to come by, and I wish that everyone could have the type of love I am fortunate enough to have. I really hope that at least one person can take something away from my experience, and apply it in a way that helps them to deal with their jealousy.

Update: We’re now married and happier than ever, with jealousy no where to be found.

Author: Jennifer

Jennifer is one of the first happily married successful waiters on the site! When she's not writing articles about her own experiences, she is finishing up two degrees. She's also a girl gamer that specializes in RTS and Halo.

160 Responses to “How I Got Over My Fiancé’s Sexual Past”

  1. OneHappyGirl says:

    This was very interesting! Reminds me of my sister’s so I do understand this situation and because of it I’ll still stick to my decision. 🙂 but it is very insightful -To each its own.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for writing the article. It was insightful.

  3. Sally says:

    This is really interesting!! The picture looks familiar…is it from Relevant Mag by any chance?

  4. ThatGuy says:

    This is a very insightful, well written, and heart warming article. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Thank you everyone for your kind words! 🙂
    I’m glad you all enjoyed it.

  6. Good Read says:

    I’m glad things seem to be working out for you.

    But it’s not something I’m looking to ” get over”

    I want to marry a fellow virgin fellow waiter. It’s that deep to me.

  7. Jennifer says:

    @Good Read

    I totally understand what you mean and I respect your decision. 🙂

  8. jennifer says:

    hay jennifer

  9. Camille says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    I really enjoyed your story and the bravery you display for sharing it is tremendous. I have felt many times that if I’m making this huge commitment to save myself, I want the person who I eventually marry to have done the same thing (and I don’t necessarily think that that is a unfair request in all regards). However, I’ve heard stories like yours and some others, and they really just open my mind up. It’s always important to keep your mind open to other possible choices because you never really know who God will send to you.

    Anyways, to stop rambling, I just wanted to let you know that I genuinely appreciate your story and knowledge that you’ve gained through your experience. Thank you! 🙂

  10. Jennifer says:

    @ Camille

    Thank you very much for you kind words. I am so happy to have been able to share my experience in a positive way with others. It was very difficult to go through at the time, but I now have a better understanding and have gained so much knowledge and I am more than happy to share it with everyone.

    On a side note, if anyone who reads this wants to ask me any questions or needs advice, please feel free! 🙂

  11. kyle says:

    thank this has really helped me

  12. Jennifer says:

    @Kyle – You’re welcome! I’m glad it helped you.

  13. Ange says:

    Wow. I am so thankful I came across this. Thank you for sharing this.. This is SO similar to the story between my boyfriend and myself.. And I think ‘our’ ending will be similar to yours too 🙂
    Very timely post.

  14. Jennifer says:

    @Ange – You’re welcome. I truly hope that everything works out wonderfully for you two. 🙂

  15. Jenny says:

    Well, refocusing on the good never helped me in any of my past relationships. Neither did any of the other rational arguments like “the past shouldn’t matter”; “it made him into who he is now”; “If you really love him, it shouldn’t matter”. It matters to me, damn it! The only thing that ever helped me was a guide I bought over at — it really goes deep into why we feel this way and what to do about it.

  16. Christopher says:

    Good article, thanks for sharing. It was especially interesting to hear about your fiance’s experiences.

  17. Tony says:

    Thanks for sharing, my soon to be fiance and I have almost the exact same story. We have been dealing with the same circumstances, same guy and same girl.. I cannot be sorry enough for my past, and every day I pray that somehow she will be able to overcome this, I love her so very much and I Do wish to spend the rest of my life with her.. Thanks again 🙂

  18. Jane says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    Thanks for sharing this and it’s something worth noting as a person who is a virgin waiting for someone. It’s so hard to wait nowadays especially in a world where everyone are either sexually active or have a past. I’m a christian, and what I have been finding so hard is how even people at church make fun of me, or find it weird that I’m a virgin…everyone I know slept with someone just coz they didn’t want to be the odd one out, and then they pull the “forgiveness” card saying as Christian’s we need to forgive one another.

    I disagree with you that you should just “get over it”, or “it doesn’t matter anymore”, or “sex is what you make out of it”. The truth is that there are so many emotions that get shared, so many insecurities etc, that that’s what makes it special to share it with someone for the first time. You shared a lot more than what he could ever have shared with you. The reason you saved it up, is that the other person won’t have to face the challenges of jealousy etc that you have to face…
    …I somehow feel the only virgins end up having to accept someone who has a past, is by down playing what they actually have…it’s almost like we need to destroy our own self-belief on how important it is to us, in order to accept someone else…

    I do find it hard to believe that you got over the jealousy now. I do wonder though, what would you teach your children? Whats the point in waiting if your soulmate didn’t wait?

  19. noelle says:

    i agree completely with jane…forgive or not, the nature of the relationship cannot be the same as that between two virgins. then, it is equal…both partners give and experience the same thing. there’s no being cheated or jealous or depressed, no petty, unhappy emotions that constantly get in the way.

    i’m starting to hope that one day soon, i can give up this ideal. i feel like it’s simply too impossible in this day and age, and i’m only setting myself up for hurt. i wish i could not want a pure, true love…a fairytale love. i wish i could just be happy with a strong connection to someone. i wish i didn’t think sex was that special.

    at least, there’s always hope for future generations…the more this site continues to grow in numbers and support, the less people who will think to give up their ideals.

  20. Jennifer says:

    @Jane: When I say that you need to “get over” their past, what I mean is that you have to make the conscious decision to either accept their past for what it is, or not accept it and move on. The point I am trying to make is that you should never try to pretend it didn’t happen or try to make yourself believe that it’s something that it’s not. I let jealousy get the best of me and I should never have done that and sharing my story is in the hopes that no one else will make the same mistakes I did.

    Sex IS what you make of it. Perhaps if I phrase it differently, it may make more sense. For you and me, sex is something special and you chose to wait. For someone else, they see it as something fun, or something to do to be cool, etc. If you choose to make it special… it will be. However, I disagree with what you said about “downplaying what I have” and “destroying my self belief” by accepting someone who was not a virgin. I never downplayed my virginity, and neither did my husband and we both saw it for as special as it was. I did not destroy my self belief…I waited for my husband, didn’t I? Therefore, how did I ever waver from my own wish to wait for the right person?

    What I will teach my children is to wait for the right person and also to never judge people. Who are we to pass judgement on someone else’s life if we do not know the circumstances under which they made the decisions that they made? I made my decision to wait. I have no right to pass judgement on someone who wanted to wait as well but made a mistake. What should matter is that I was able to wait, and to be with one person. Even if there are people who make life choices that you do not agree with, you shouldn’t judge them. I wouldn’t like it if someone judged me for being a virgin.

    We’re married now. The jealousy is gone. It may be hard to believe, but it’s true. He is my soul mate and I truly believe that we are meant to be together. When we are going to be 80 years old and still holding hands, the fact that he was not a virgin is not going to be on anyone’s mind. What will matter is the long and happy life we had together.

  21. Jennifer says:

    @Noelle: I don’t think that you should give up looking. It is not easy to find your soul mate, but you will never find them if you stop looking for them. It may take a while, but it’s worth it.

  22. Mike says:

    Jennifer, I wish I could be as strong as yourself, but at the moment I am not. Ask your husband if he could deal with it? If he could accept the idea of another man’s hands all over your body as he does now. If he could deal with the image of another man having passionate sex with you as he does now. For me, the pain is unbearable, maybe its different for a man and only your husband can tell you that, its a shame I couldn’t meet a girl like you, I respect you so much for your decision to wait and only give that gift to your husband, he’s an extremely lucky man, to be able to say that no man on this planet has ever laid a finger on my wife, its something I’d give anything for, its something I find very attractive in a women, but, I guess some of us are not that lucky and I have to come to terms with the fact that I may never be a husband, may never be a father and may never experience the kind of happiness your husband must feel every morning when he wakes up and see’s you laying next to him.

    Congratulations to you both, enjoy it X

  23. Jennifer says:

    @Mike: Do not give up looking for your dream girl, you might be surprised as to where you might find her. You will find someone with the same views as you.
    As to your other comments about it being different for a man, it really isn’t. It’s very difficult for him to imagine me with another man because I haven’t been with anyone else, therefore it’s not that easy to imagine. But both women and men can feel the same about this, it’s not just one gender that feels this way, so don’t ever feel bad about wanting it.
    I was terrified about being alone for the rest of my life and never finding anyone with compatible views but as you have read my story then you know how it ended.
    All I can say is that I wish you the best and do not give up looking! 🙂

  24. Brescia says:

    this is a great story

  25. brescia says:

    This a great story and it encourages me more to wait, im a viring but im only 19 soon to be 20, i hope i make it and i have decided to wait, im a christian and i want to live as one. with the help of God i will find the man thats right for me, and i dont strongly demand that he be a virgin, if he’s not its fine, if he is, its even better. On the road of waiting im sure i will run into rejection, and people will mock me, it is already happening, but i really dont care, people wont be there for me when im wrecked, wether its an unwatnted pregnancy, an STD or something emotional or something else. I am from Honduras and i live in honduras, this just shows u how far ur story has gone and it is a help to many of us. I guess i will know someone really loves me if they decide to commit to me without sex and waiting till marriage, i believe that marriage is a real commitment.

  26. Jennifer says:

    @ Brescia: Thanks for your kind words. Marriage truly is a commitment. Don’t give up on your decision to wait. Find someone who will wait for you and respect your decision to wait. I had people who made fun of me too, but now I’m happily married to the man of my dreams so I was lucky enough to have it work out for me. It will work out for you too, just have patience! Best of luck. 🙂

  27. Josh says:

    Hey Jennifer do you have an email address so that I can tell you about a similar situation I am in and see what you think about it.

  28. Jake says:

    Hey Jennifer do you have an email address so that I can tell you about a similar situation I am in and see what you think about it.

  29. Jennifer says:

    Feel free to send me a private message on the site if you’d like!

  30. jr says:

    I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for many months now, and am certain I will marry her someday. I am in my mid-20s and remain a virgin, while she has had several sexual partners in high school and early college. These are things I have no control over, but I remind myself that this was the path she walked, and that path has led her to me. We have not talked about it extensively together, and I will let her tell me when she is ready. If she ever wants my forgiveness, she already has it. Until we are married, we are both dedicated to preserving the purity of our relationship (as hard as that can be!) Part of loving another is accepting all of them– their virtues and their vices.

  31. WanderingWashingtonian says:

    Thank you for this article! I’ve been recently praying for my future husband, whoever he is, and I am beginning to be convicted that he might very well not be a virgin.

    While I definitely don’t like the thought, I feel that I am being led to forgive him; even if he is a virgin, he’s bound to be imperfect in plenty of other ways that I will need to forgive, just like there are things he will need to forgive about me. God has forgiven me and has forgiven him, so I need to do the same.

    But I know that it would still be painful to wait for someone and know that they didn’t wait for you. I appreciate seeing how you and your fiance walked through this trying time, and how you wound up together and stronger in the end.

    It reminds me of a scene from “Anna Karenina” where Levin had his fiance Kitty read his journals, in which he confessed the sexual relationships in his past:

    “It was not without inner struggle that Levin gave her his diary. He knew that there could not and should not be any secrets between them, and therefore he decided that it had to be so: but he did not realize how it might affect her, he did not put himself in her place. Only when he came to them that evening before the theatre, went to her room and saw her tear-stained, pathetic and dear face, miserable from the irremediable grief he had caused her, did he understand the abyss that separated his shameful past from her dove-like purity and feel horrified at what he had done.

    ‘Take them, take these terrible books!’ she said, pushing away the notebooks that lay before her on the table. ‘Why did you give them to me!… No, all the same it’s better,’ she added, taking pity on his desperate face. ‘But it’s terrible, terrible!’

    He bowed his head and was silent. There was nothing he could say.

    ‘You won’t forgive me,’ he whispered.

    ‘No, I’ve forgiven you, but it’s terrible!’

    However, his happiness was so great that this confession did not destroy it, but only added a new shade to it. She forgave him; but after that he considered himself still more unworthy of her, bowed still lower before her morally, and valued still more highly his undeserved happiness.”

    Throughout the ages, in fiction and in real life, relationships have always been messy. This is one of those especially messy situations. But I am happy that your love for your fiance conquered all of the pain and doubts.

    Your story also really made me think of the song “Bless the Broken Road.” That song definitely emphasizes the fact that while our path might not be pretty, it ultimately leads us to the one we love.

    Once again, a thought-provoking article! Great job!

  32. Jennifer says:

    @jr @WanderingWashingtonian

    Thanks for your great comments! I appreciate them. 🙂

    I especially liked the Anna Karenina reference.

  33. Alan says:

    Hey Jennifer,

    Thanks for writing the article. I just found out last night, and it’s been eating me absolutely alive. I haven’t slept cause I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s very consuming I guess. I don’t know you are religious and that helped you, or if you have any tips for someone on the brink of going into all of this?


  34. Jennifer says:

    @Alan – Glad you enjoyed the article.

    It’s a very consuming thought process, so I know exactly how you feel. I am religious and found that sometimes just asking for guidance or help along the way was a good way to try to understand your feelings. But I never let my religion dictate on how I felt about it, I made my choices based on my own morals.

    If you are really struggling with it, you need to decide how important the person is to you. If their past is something you know you cannot get over, let them go now instead of hurting them. If it is something you want to work on, try to imagine yourself without them in your life. The pain of losing someone you love is much worse than the petty jealousy feelings you can experience over someone’s past. See them for who they are NOW – this is a result of their past. If they didn’t go through what they did in the past, they would not be the same person they are today – the person you love.

    If you need specific advice you can feel free to contact me.

  35. Hailey says:

    Hey there Jennifer!

    I’m a 17 year old young lady, and I’ve been kind of dating this 18 year old guy. I absolutely love hanging out with him, because he makes me happy and LOVES making me laugh! 🙂 Yet, as of last night, I found out that he’s slept with 7 people already… and only 1 or 2 of those people was he ever ‘in love’ with; the rest were just short little flings. When I found this out, my heart broke a little. I’m okay with someone being a non-virgin, but 7 people?! I know there are people out there that have slept with more than that, but he’s only 18 and I find that kind of… morally loose. I’m very conflicted now. This guy clearly cares about me, but he’s sort of a ho and I find that such a downer. What do I do? Just keep him as a friend? Or maybe just say goodbye to him?

    I really respect what you did with your husband. That must’ve been a hurdle and a half to get over! I just don’t know if I could do something similar…

  36. Jennifer says:

    Hailey –

    I’m going to be brutally honest with you and I am not one to judge people. There is a difference between a 28 year old man with 7 partners as opposed to an 18 year old one.

    This guy sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship and does not seem to value sex as much as you. Before you fall in love with him, I suggest you let him go and just keep him as a friend. If that’s not possible, then it’s time to say goodbye unfortunately.

    My situation is completely different (as I’ve explained in detail in the article) because I was truly in love with my husband and he was with me.

    Find someone who you are compatible with on all levels. If you already feel that he’s “morally loose” you will feel that way and it won’t ever change. Find someone who’s past you are comfortable with, then you will be truly happy.

  37. Kelley says:

    Yes, remember you can be a virgin and have a virgin. There’s no need to settle and lower your standards. Everyone is different but if you were consciously honoring your future spouse your entire life and want the same you deserve it.

    Some people don’t mind if their partner has had a past. I did mind and I do mind. I would not be able to share the amount of intimacy and passion that I have with my husband had he been unfaithful to me. Whether he had slept with one girl or one thousand it is the same principle.

    Not everyone is truly ready or wanting that kind of honor or love, but I was. I just want to be firm about that because if you felt jealousy from the beginning you are bound to still feel some of that.

    You can’t pick your parents, you can’t choose every event that happens to you as a child or adult… but you can choose the person you spend the rest of your life with. Being a virgin was absolutely a deal breaker for me. No offense to Jennifer but I just had to say the other side of the story.

  38. Kelley says:

    p.s. Everyone is different and am a big believer in every woman making her own choices… but I do not regret saying no to the men I felt some attraction to in my life who were not fully committed to their search of real love. If you think you are with the love of your life and you are wrong that speaks volumes about someone’s judgement of character and how much you really know yourself. Some people are more blessed than others with the gift of self knowledge. Some people need to make mistakes to learn what they want… others learn from other mistakes. I just know many people (myself included) who get sick of hearing the story about the female who waited and the male you “could not”. Mind you my husband is younger than me and is from a different and more respectable culture (I grew up in North America)… all important factors that made him who he is today, it was his choice.
    Best wishes!

  39. Jennifer says:

    Kelley – I wrote this article in an attempt to help people who struggled with the same jealousy I once struggled with, as this is a much more common problem than one would think. I am firm believer in not passing judgement on people, therefore you cannot simply assume that someone who is not a virgin was not in search of real love. Some people don’t care about their sexual partners at all, and that is irrelevant to both our points. However, my husband and many other people out there who perhaps may have made a wrong choice are still worthy of love, despite mistakes they have made. I want to make sure everyone understands that I did NOT settle, as that seems to be misconstrued at times. I saved myself for my husband, and that is what matters to me.

    Yes, as you say, you can choose the person you spend the rest of your life with. I could have very easily left and found a virgin, instead I chose to stay with my soul mate and my true love.

    To each their own.

  40. anonymous says:

    I was in almost the EXACT same situation except the guy only had sex with the same girl twice. She had been pressuring him for a while, and they had broken up several times. He knew when he had sex with her that she had already had sex with other guys and cheated on him over 12 times while they were together, so instead of running away because she cheated on him, he felt like he had to “prove himself” and gave in. I tried to get over it, but couldn’t. Eventually we broke up for a couple reasons, but this was the main one. I felt the same way as Jennifer did. I thought, “I’ve waited, why was it so difficult for you? If you thought it was so important to wait for marriage, then why didn’t you?” That’s exactly how I viewed it. The relationship taught me to find that one in a million guy, or live forever alone. I can’t live my life feeling betrayed and cheated. I respect you so much Jennifer for being able to forgive like that! It’s just SO important to me and I want to find a guy I can give all of myself to that hasn’t had anyone else. I want to be someone’s first and last.

  41. Struggling says:

    Hi Jennifer, your article really helped me but I’m still struggling with feelings of jealousy…i was wondering if i could write to you.

  42. Jennifer says:

    @anonymous – Thank you for your kind words!

    @Struggling – for sure, my email is in the above comments so feel free to message me!

  43. Gale says:

    Very helpful.. I am still struggling but hopefully I’ll get over the feelings of jealousy.

  44. Patrice says:

    Thanks so much for sharing this article. I was searching for something just like this because I’m having a hard time getting over my boyfriend’s past. I don’t think about it all the time but when I do it’s still bothersome. My boyfriend is the most spectacular man that I have ever dated and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me. While it’s still hard to get over, the positives in the relationship would be hard to live without.

  45. Kathleen says:

    Thank you for this article. I will need to bookmark it.

    I am a hypocrit, and by that I mean I am not a waiter, although I did wait a long time to experience sex (in a loving relationship with a man I was once engaged to). My current boyfriend, an amazing man, however, did not. He was an average guy in his approach to sex. We are in our late 20s and I often find it hard to reconcile his past. Sex was something I valued and whether it was my beliefs or just being prude, not something I just did. Sometimes I struggle to stay in the present and say that he has changed and isn’t the same young guy he once was. He treats me so well, has so many of the wonderful qualitites I look for in another, and yet, I am having a hard time letting it go and accepting what is before me.

    Jen – I may contact to get some more perspective on this. Thanks for the article.

  46. Jennifer says:

    Gale – Best of luck!

    Patrice – You’re welcome. Best of luck with your situation!

    Katleen – Yes, please feel free to contact me further. You can private message me on this site.

    To everyone – I am currently working on another article that I think might be of some help! Stay tuned!

  47. LookingForTheOne says:


    This article (the one that’s already here) is quite helpful, I’m sure. I don’t mean that in a personal sense–I’ve never been in your situation and I think I’d react differently if I were. But I do appreciate having the insight of someone who did get this far (and I’m sure the other waiters here, who are indeed dealing with their partners’ history, appreciate your help as well).

    I’m looking forward to your next article!

  48. Zuby says:

    *sigh*. don’t know what to say. this is an inspiring write up. i have quite a bad sexual past. My life changed since i gave my life to Christ and became a Christian. i actually googled “how to deal with ur fiances past” cos i just got engaged to a girl. However we are about to start sharing stories about our pasts and i’m wondering if i’ll be able to deal with it. i don’t even feel i’m qualified to make a comment on this post being that i am one of those who didn’t wait for His “soulmate” *sigh*……… but i want to point out that not being a virgin doesn’t make the feeling of jealousy disappear. it bothers just as much. I wish i waited, i ask God everyday to cleanse me of the ills of my past.
    I am soothed by this write up, thanks Jennifer. If you, a chaste girl who waited in this world where illicit sex is like a spreading plague, could forgive your fiances sexual past then who am i not to overlook the sexual past of a girl i want to spend the rest of my life with.
    Thanks again Jen.

  49. Jennifer says:

    @Zuby – Thank you for your kind comment. I wish you the best in the future.

  50. Fred says:

    Hi and thanks for the article. I have experienced similar things as you did. My main problem is images in my head of my girlfriend with other guys. How on earth do I get those images out of my head? Any suggestions appreciated.

  51. Jennifer says:

    Fred – I will encourage you to read my other article on this website that goes through jealousy FAQ. I don’t specifically answer that question, but it’s a great one and I will add it soon.

    From my experience, I was able to get over the images once I was able to realize that my imagination was my worst enemy. I was imagining things in great detail and imagining things that never ever happened. Imagine if someone was having visions of you in their head. If they were jealous, their minds would exaggerate on the detail and simply torture them. Do not do this to yourself. If you are having visions, is it because you know what the men she was with look like? If so, then it means that details are bothering you. Try to limit any detail you know about these encounters. You will find that the less detail you know, the less you can imagine. Hope this helps.

  52. Fred says:

    Thanks for your reply Jennifer. After a week of studying this web site and pondering on things, my jealous views have changed remarkably. Like some waiters, I felt resentment and torn apart and all the other jealous feeling because she didn’t wait. We have not spoken much about her sexual past but I think I get the gist of it. She was raised by devout christian parents and took on that particular faith herself, which taught to save sex for marriage. In her mid 20’s she went astray for a couple of years and that’s when she lost her virginity, to someone she didn’t love. I know she regrets it. In all likelihood she is the one who is jealous. Jealous of me because I waited.
    Now instead of me feeling jealous about her past, I actually feel sorry for her. Sorry for the fact that she will never get to experience losing her virginity to someone she truly loves and trusts. We are hoping to get married soon, and I will have the very rare privilege of giving my virginity to the girl I love and respect and always be with. It all makes sense now.
    I don’t think I will ever tell her just how bad my jealousy was, she has no idea.
    The only remaining problem I have now is when images pop into my head about her with other guys in her past. I don’t think there is much that can be done about this as you have very little control over it. Once something appears in your mind then the damage is done. It can be limited by instantly dismissing it, but you can not unthink it. Maybe this is something I will just have to live with.

  53. Jonathan says:

    Thank you for that story. I’m having a hard time with my fiancee now. I dont know how to let it go and get the mental images out of my head.

  54. Jamie says:

    Thanks for the wonderful story, Jennifer. I’m really impressed by your ability to forgive & not judge others as well as your fortitude in remaining chaste (despite the obvious hurdles.) I hope your message reaches young people who desperately need to hear it!

  55. Lost says:

    Thank you very much for the article. I’m having almost the exact same experience as you, and this article has helped me understand that my choice better. Sometimes it’s hard to forget about the jealousy, but you are right. The important thing is that he cares and is loyal.

  56. Gift says:

    Jennifer thanks for sharing your story, im 21 now and im a waiter too, i only started considering a relationship last year but to be honest its not easy to be with a non waiter, i broke up with the 1st guy and dis 2nd guy seems 2 be fine wt my idea of waiting till marriage but i sometimes feel awkward that he has been with many partners before me, once again, thanks for the writeup, i’ll email you to get more clue on how you succeeded in waiting.

  57. Ab says:

    Thank you it helped so much

  58. anon says:

    In my religion it is still very taboo to have sex outside marriage… It happens though and on an increasingly large scale, but there’s still the feeling that they are the deviants and not the norm.

    For me, waiting didn’t feel so much as a choice as it is something I have to do. It is accepted that I’ll have sex when I get married and that’s how my friends are too. In my naivete I didn’t even really think I’d have to deal with a non-virgin husband. The guy friends I had at campus waited until marriage too – At least, to my knowledge.

    Then I met somebody and initially he lied to me abt being a virgin. After a few months he confessed that hed had sex twice. Was a real blow to me but I decided to try and overlook it as mistakes do happen.

    We broke up a few months after that but 3 years later we got back together. During the time apart hed had several more sexual encounters (friends with benefits as well as a short term girlfriend he had no intention of marrying, and also a girl he barely knew. It also turned out his initial confession years ago about only twice wasn’t true. It had been months of frequent sex with thehis girlfriend).

    He’s different now, he’s been celibate since early 2011 and he wants to marry me. At times I’m ok with his past but other times my head is in chaos with it. I feel if hed been honest with me at start then I’d have left then and I wouldn’t be in a situation where I love somebody so much and yet have this anger and disgust at him. I feel so much anxiety when thinking abt the months of sex he had with his ex. I constantly have a feeling of “what’s left for me????”

    He can’t figure out why I agreed to marry him if I have these feelings. And that if he’s repented n not repeating the mistakes, what makes me better than God to not forgive?

    This article has helped me understand my own reactions better. Iv referred him here as well to read this so he can grasp why I flare up the way I do.

  59. Laura says:

    Do men ever think about the past girls while they are making love to you?
    Do they compare you at all?

  60. Jennifer says:

    I’m sorry I didn’t have the change to check these comments sooner!

    @Fred – I hope that since you left the comment your relationship is doing better and you are able to deal with the jealousy problems. Time is the best healer in this situation.

    @Gift – Good luck in your relationships, keep on waiting for the right one!

    @ Jonathan, @Jamie, @Lost, @ab – Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate them.

    @anon – I think your biggest concern is not his sexual past, but the fact that he has lied to you in your relationship. Trust is SO fundamentally important so if you don’t fully trust him then you shouldn’t marry him.

    @Laura – No respectable man will do that, but there are definitely some that will.

  61. Mags says:

    I hope you don’t mind me adding something to this trail, given (a) I am spiritual rather than religious (not a “Christian”), and (b) I have not waited until getting married to have physical intimacy of this kind with a guy. I thought it might help to share a perspective on the situation with you from this front – and I hope it does!

    I was brought up as a Christian, and always thought I would wait until I got married to sleep with someone. Then I went travelling after senior school, and realised that I didn’t agree with a lot of the “brainwashing” I think I experienced growing up. I was going to start making decisions for myself, I decided! I had a long chat with my Mum about my thoughts on sex before marriage, and said I wasn’t sure if I’d wait any more. I asked her open ideas. She said that sex can create a bond with somebody, and that it’s whether you “love” a person that matters. I guess my Mum saying that meant a lot to me. However, I add that by the time I left high school, I’d already realised I didn’t want to call myself a “Christian” – there was too much I had to question about what society was selling me in this context. Not in terms of loving your neighbour, or being kind, or being courageous – I mean in terms of the rules some humans have decided to interpret and then use in some cases to shame each other. I believe the central message of all religions, having studied them a fair amount as a graduate, is kind of – to love and to be gracious.

    So I found myself at college, with everyone except me (it seemed) having had sex, apart from people who had this “reason”. The “reason” (religion) didn’t resonate with me. I also thought I’d be embarrassed when / if I started seeing someone, that he’d have been with so many people and I was one of the (extremely) few people I knew of who hadn’t – and that he’d wonder why, given it wasn’t for this “reason” (and I would have been lying if I’d have said it was). I add that I later discovered, many people had been making up their sexual history, and hadn’t been with anyone!

    Do you know, it turned out – I started seeing this guy at college, and he told me he loved me. He also told me, as we were getting a bit more intimate than kissing, he had never slept with anyone before. I couldn’t believe it! Neither of us were “Christians” as such, but we had both “waited”. We lost our virginity together a little while after that, and I am so pleased I did that in such a special way – meaning not a way that was drunk one night stand or something. We were together for around 3 years, although for most of that time – after the first few months – I was not happy at all. I have to say that this “losing virginity” thing made me stay in the relationship much longer than I would have otherwise, as I thought it was special and rare and something to protect – no matter how badly he treated me (which he did, including with other women, but not sleeping with them – or that’s as much as I know…!).

    Now, would it have been different – ended earlier – if I had got to know him for a longer time (say, over a year) before we slept together? If I had married him (he asked if I wanted to get engaged, at one stage in the “horrible” time), so we “had” to work things out? I don’t know, for the first Q, but I don’t think so. For the second, I am hugely glad I didn’t marry him and then “get stuck”: imagine if I had got all excited we were both waiters, planned a wedding, got married – and then found out how badly he could treat me. I have to say, before he treated me badly, there is no way I would have ever imagined he’d treat me like that. I think actually that having slept together, bought us close together as people, and meant he showed his “whole self” to me – in a way I might not have seen otherwise.

    I have only ever slept with people I have been with as boyfriends – albeit one was a very short affair, and the chap was more casual than me about everything so I only slept with him once. I have had very much single figures of boyfriends in my life, and am currently with a wonderful man (yes, still in single figures!) where we are talking about formalising our commitment to each other more traditionally. Both of us have similar histories in terms of sexual pasts (very much single figures for each of us!). We are both out of our 20s, but not too much, if that helps…

    So, does neither of us having waited matter? I have read a few posts on this forum, and get that there are these concerns about the “images” you might have, of your partner with another person. Well, whilst I was really happy to have lost my virginity to this guy at college rather than some drunken one night stand – I don’t sit in bed thinking about it! Why on earth would I – I can remember the people I have been with in that way of course (like, who they are), and some situations if I’m asked to think of them – but I wasn’t happy with those people long-term, and finished things off with them as a result. Whilst sexual interaction was part of the relationship, it is as over as the relationship. It is not active or present. What is present is my experience with my partner now. I loved the fact that the guy I lost my virginity with was “clean” for me, and we were sharing those lovely initial experiences openly – but I am also extremely pleased not to be with him now. I have discovered myself so much more as a person in the last half decade, and know that I would make many different decisions now to the ones I made under the peer pressure of teenage / younger years. But that’s just part of growing up! I don’t do drugs of any kind (including alcohol), and have had to deal with various issues of mis-messaging throughout my younger life that I think anybody in the world is given – and I realise that my awareness now lends me to make different decisions to ones I made before: I had been celibate before meeting my partner for well over 2 years, and same for the previous one – all very much out of choice! My partner now and I slept together over 6 months after coming to know each other. I’ve always asked any boyfriend to do the STI tests, and I know I’m clean too – I realised how important the tests were following a horrible experience where one boy”friend” cheated on me and didn’t tell me about it until after having asked me to marry him – interestingly, on these lines, a friend of mine (non-waiter) is married to a Christian who lost his virginity with his first wife (also Christian) – then she cheated on him during that marriage.

    It is so much, I think, about the person you are with. There are things I have never experienced sexually that my partner has done with me (same for him), and I add that we are both quite “straight-laced” people, so there’s nothing “porny” there! But it means there are certainly experiences we have had together, that we haven’t had with anyone else. I have to say that I think I might find it a bit of a pressure if we were each others “first” – I won’t go into too much detail on that, suffice it to say I don’t think it would make us any more compatible. From reading some of the stuff on this forum I’ve also wondered – some might think, oh it’s so much easier to go back to someone you’ve slept with. Well, all I can say is I never have – once I have moved away from the relationship, seeing someone new or perhaps enjoying not doing so, that’s been that. I certainly cannot imagine sleeping with those people again – really, at all. You should see my face screw up as I write that. It’s not to be rude – of course I at the time enjoyed aspects of being intimate with these people when I was with them, else I wouldn’t have done that – but because of what I came to know in those people through the relationship, I really would not want to share such intimacy with them now. From what my partner says, I think it’s the same for him. Fidelity is also very important to both of us, and we have both experienced poor treatment in the past. The fact we didn’t “wait” doesn’t mean we want to cheat!

    I hope this helps put another perspective out there for you. If I knew as an 18-year-old virgin what I know now, I think my advice to a daughter – as my Mum gave to me – would perhaps be a little different: it would be, to be aware that sexual intimacy can create a feeling that wouldn’t have been there otherwise, which can mean you stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, or too long. I do not think that marriage changes whether or not you know someone is wrong for you – I think knowing yourself & the other person better does that, and I think sexual intimacy can be part of coming to know another person better. They show more of themselves to you, than you might have known otherwise. At least, that has been my experience. Most of my boyfriends talked about us getting married, and I’m so glad I didn’t marry any of them! My partner now is the man for me, in that way.

    It may not stand out from this, but I have had massive problems with jealousy in the past. This is from insecure environments I experienced growing up, particularly. I think that made me very careful who I slept with – as I knew then they could perhaps have more power to hurt me (being a sensitive soul in that way). If my partner and I now break up (which I sincerely hope we never do!), I may never have sexual intimacies again, or I may. It depends if it feels right to me to do that. I can only imagine it happening, if my partner turns out to not be the person I think he is (so cheats on me or treats me otherwise terribly) – as otherwise I want him to be the man of my life always, and my sexual partner to the end (be that my human end, or his). My past experiences are utterly irrelevant there – they were simply part of my growing up. I had a lot of independent “first-time” experiences growing up that I am sure my partner did too – first interview for college, first job, first kiss, first graduation…. I really wouldn’t want to miss the chance of being with this amazing guy, simply because of another “first time” growing-up experience that wasn’t with me. I’d be cutting my nose off to spite my face, as they say! Certainly I feel like I’d like him to be my last. I hope this helps, and love to you all.

  62. AM says:

    Jennifer – Thank you so much for posting this.

    As many of the other folks who left comment, I am in my late twenties and in a similar situation with a girl that I know I will be my wife. I am a Christian and I am a waiter.

    To those of you out their who are believers, there are two battles at hand.
    1. Fighting your imagination (i am the creative type with a mile-a-minute thought rate.. not good). At times I wonder if I should delve into the past – ask details. I wonder if that would help ease my imagination. In all honesty, i have no clue what it would do. All I know is this battle is amplified, subdued, and amplified again by point number 2.

    2. Realizing, accepting, and acting on what being a believer means. If you and your partner are both believers of the Christian faith it is mandatory to accept that the same grace that has been given to you has also been given to them. Like you, their slate is clean. As the man in the relationship this aspect is even more important. You are called to love your wife (this begins as soon as you know she’s the one, in my book), like Christ loved the church. Research what that means.

    Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t won either of these – I’ve merely identified them. Winning is the next step.

    Thank you, Jennifer, for this post. It’s been a huge help.


  63. sandy says:

    You dont know how grateful i am that you pared this article……God I’m crying of joy its been so long since I’ve tried to get over my husband’s past and I finally have thank you thank you thank you. I couldn’t give up this wonderful relationship and he is my first and last even though i’m his third,i guess its true what they say third times the charm

  64. Mario says:

    Hello Jennifer.
    It is really a remarkable article. Thank you very much for writing it.

    I think I share the opinion of most of the guys who have decided to wait (like myself): Some things we imagine are difficult to process, but I agree that in order to experience freedom the best policy is to let go the jealousy.

    I’m in my early 30s and recently started going out with a girl my age who is a great person, but who I found her past has not been the same as mine. We have been going out for a couple of months.

    At the same time, she has very recently given her life to Christ and has started to go to church, and seems to be taking things seriously.

    All I know about her from the NOW is positive and encouraging, especially her commitment to Christ which I believe is genuine.

    Nonetheless, I am confused right now. I really like her, but I don’t know if her past can become a problem down the road.

    I have always wished and prayed for years for a soul mate like many of the people expressing their opinion here.

    I would so much appreciate any insight or comment you may have. I have issues thinking about how I will deal with things in the future if this relationship gets serious. In particular, discussing her past, my lack of “experience”, and if true intimacy (not just physical) is possible. I truly desire to find true love.

  65. KK says:

    My current boyfriend is not a virgin, but wants to wait for me until I am ready. He had a negative experience losing his virginity and has treated it as a learning experience. I am horrible jealous about it all though. Sometimes (uncontrollably), the sadness creeps in. I missed out on certain “firsts” with him. Things that I have always wanted and dreamed about. I know there is nothing I can do about it, but it makes me so so sad and lonely thinking that if we were to have sex, it would be different for me. It sounds odd, but I feel like I mourn the loss of his virginity. Especially since I was in a 3 year relationship before this and didn’t have sex. It’s something I have tried to hard to wait for, and I feel cheated. Reading your article helped, but I feel like the jealousy and mourning will never go away. And a part of me thinks it shouldn’t go away so I can wait for someone who also waited. And I am so young and not planning on settling down any time soon that it seems counterintuitive to stay with someone who isn’t a virgin. I guess that I feel like I will have many opportunities in the next ten years, that I am having trouble imagining getting too attached my boyfriend now.

  66. Liz says:

    @ Jennifer – I really felt helped by this article. Thank you for writing it!! Is there any way I can message you or email you? I’ve been going through a rough time with this and would appreciate your advice! Thanks

  67. brandon kautz says:

    Exactly what happened to me jennifer. Unfortunately I did breakup with my gf though because she wasn’t a virgin. I was unable to get over it. And once I was willing to give it a try again she was already married. But there r plenty of days where I think I made the right decision. It seemed we were both in for lots more heartache. She’s happy now and so am I….well as much as can b expected still being single. But I haven’t given up hope for somebody else:)

    I will have to disagree with your downplaying or justifying of sex can still b just as special even if these problems exist. I don’t believe so. I don’t believe there is anything in the world like the love and security one would feel if they r both virgins at marriage. The connection would b tremendous I think. I’m sorry,but I can’t help but feel she doesn’t belong to me if she’s not a virgin. But that’s me:) thanks again for the article,it was like reading my story to a tee….except for the breakup

  68. brandon kautz says:

    And yes,I am religious and I believe there’s a reason he doesn’t want us to fornicate. Its because he wants us to have that very special relationship with our mates. The way he designed it. The two shall become “one flesh”. Not to say u can’t have a great relationship otherwise. I just believe it will never b as it should b or b as special and deep and connected as it should b. Just going by what God has said. Thanks for listening to my two cents:)

  69. Rose says:

    I’m 14, Christian and waiting for marriage. Neither of my parents waited, even when they dated each other (when they were supposed to be Christians). They it was wrong, but I’m so mad.
    I’m scared that my future husband won’t wait. I feel like if he doesn’t, than somehow I am required to do what no one else has to do. I feel I could never be as connected to him, if he’s not a virgin. I just want to be the only one he’s watched sleep and to be on equal grounds and special on the wedding night. I feel like I might not deserve that.

  70. Rose says:

    I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told those things about my parents. They’re good people, I’m just angry. I’m sorry.

  71. Maika says:

    I am so grateful that I ran into your article. It felt like it was written for me and it brought tears to my eyes. Growing up as a pastor’s child I knew that I was going to wait until marriage and also strongly believed that I will one day marry someone who has kept his virginity as well. My parents waited and so did my sister and her husband so I was raised in a very protected environment in that sense. My mother told me how (before she was married) she loved her future husband, even before she met him, enough that she wanted to wait for him. So when I found out that my soon-to-be my boyfriend was not a virgin I told him that this was not going to work and he was not what I wanted. He took it really hard since he was trying to pursue me for a long time and now things were finally starting to go the way he dreamed. However, after I told said goodbye to him I felt terrible for my decision and through much prayers, reading the Bible, and thoughts I told him (about 2 weeks later) that I wanted to be back together. Four months later, after going through a lot of ups and downs and discussions, we finally started going out as a boyfriend and girlfriend but my jealousy was creeping inside of me. I would imagine him and his ex being intimate and dwell on that thought everyday. I was happy when I was with him but as soon as his presence was gone, I would ponder on that thought that he is not a virgin and didn’t wait for me or more like his future wife like I’ve chosen to. I thought about leaving him so many times because I just couldn’t handle it any longer but at the same time I also didn’t want to be separated from him either. I was in a mess and felt like I was trapped in this torturous situation. It was painful to be occupied with the thought but breaking up with him sounded just as painful or perhaps even more… However, fortunately my boyfriend always listened to me and helped me express my feeling towards him even though it was painful for him to hear it and see me suffer. Just like you wrote in the article, he was always willing to sacrifice his happiness for mine too. I realized that I was letting the enemy use his past to make me feel miserable and compromise the happiness I have now..I was dwelling on his past which he himself had already moved on. It has been 9 months since I found out about his past and I would be lying if I said it never haunts me but I am getting more accepting to the thought that he is not a virgin. I am very appreciative of the fact that he loves me with his whole heart, deeply regrets his past and is willing to wait for me. I have read some comments that says you have to marry a virgin to have the ultimate experience in marital sex…I hope and believe that that is not the case..I’d like to hear more about on that aspect if anyone has been in that situation. Thank you

  72. Mason says:

    My girlfriend has had sex with several other people, including a one night stand. She went through a sad and lonely period when she did that. Now it pains me deeply to think about. I wish I could keep myself from seeing images of her with other men. I want to marry this girl very badly, and she wants to marry me. However, I feel like it would be imprudent with all the pain I frequently experience.

    I wish I could get over this. I would give all my money to stop feeling the hurt and resentment that I have. I need more advice. There has got to be some mental trick or something to make me heal, but I can’t find it. It has been a year now and I’m tired of feeling horrible.

  73. mariah says:

    I can relate to all what you have written but it’s all based on you can’t judge him for something he did while you wasn’t in his life …what if you met long time a go when you were teenagers you both were waiting had a click when you met but unfortunately he lived in another country but he kept calling me and stayed in touch but there was a horrible girl was constantly chasing him throwing herself at him his first year of university he was lonely not having the attention he had in high school and decided to call this girl and try new things with her and he got attached or addicted to the sex as he claims ..he keeps saying that he soul was sickened by it but he couldn’t stop but eventually before the end of the relationship he stopped it because he was so sick and disgusted by it and then she kept persuading him to do it again and when she found that there is no hope she dumped him after a month or something …now how can I forgive and forget this now he is my fiance he loves me more than he loves himslef but I keep getting them pictures you are talking about and all them horrible feelings i’m devastated help me please

  74. Rose says:

    I’ve been reading on this site, and I’ve just been thinking. You know how they say that they didn’t cheat on you because they didn’t know you? Well, you didn’t know them either, and you waited. In a way, you were short-changed and while that’s forgivable, we can’t ignore the fact that, in a way, you were cheated on. Not intentionally, but by the other person not thinking of you the way you thought of them.
    I’m struggling, and I’m sorry if this sounds mean.

  75. JM says:

    Just curious: Has he ever gone out of his way to tell you that you’re the best sex he’s ever had—not just emotionally, but physically, too? If not, you still have a problem.

  76. JM says:

    The other problem, of course, is that anyone who refuses to marry a particular individual because the partner didn’t wait until their wedding is refusing to forgive, move on and accept that a future together is more important than a past that doesn’t conform to your standards. It’s incredibly hypocritical for Christians to hold out for another virgin, if they truly believe in redemption and having life more abundantly. Jesus said, “Go and sin no more,” not “Magically go back in time and relive your mistakes the right way.” Grow up. If you love someone, find a way. FIND A WAY.

  77. Rose says:

    The thing about wanting to marry another virgin is that you know that they’ve always loved and thought of you the way you did. This sounds bratty, but it isn’t fair to someone who has waited to get someone who didn’t. My youth leader once asked if we wanted our future spouses to be ‘used goods’. Giving your first time is something that I think is infinitely special, and I don’t want to give that to someone who won’t give the same back.
    I’m sorry. I argue because I’m looking for something. I’ sorry.

  78. Susie says:

    Thank you for writing this article! I am in an extremely similar situation right now. I love my fiancé more than anything or anyone I have ever loved before. He has had a really bad sexual past, and I am a “waiter”. It didn’t bother me at first, but then I started to get jealous as well. It began to eat away at my soul. I let it take over. Allowing that jealousy to enter was the biggest mistake I have ever made. He loves me more than anything and would give up anything for me. He respects my decision to wait for marriage and respects me. He is also a newer follower of Christ and has been changed. I then realized that if God could look upon me with love and forgive me, why couldn’t I do that for him? Although jealousy tries to creep in still sometimes, I stop and think about Christ. It is nice to read about someone else who struggled with jealousy in this situation.

  79. Mon says:

    Thanks for the article…I am in a similar relationship, My partner and I have been together since I was 16 and he was 22, he waited until I was ready, although I was not waiting until marriage I was waiting for someone special. We have been together for 21 years and engaged for 19yrs and we plan to marry at the end of this year, although I know he is my soulmate I am struggling. A few months ago we were casually chatting and it came up that his first love was the girl he lost his virginity to at 16, I must say this broke my heart as he had always said the had only ever been friends :(, he also told me that when she had come around whilst passing through town she had asked him of he would dump me and she would dump her fiancé and could they make a go of things, of course he said no he just wanted to be with me, but I must admit this bought back all his other past one night stands (as other then being good friends with his first whom he considers his first love but refers to more as an infatuation he only ever dated one other girl), I struggle with the fact that at 18 one was married although she never told him this and the fact that it turns out she was actually my grade 7 school teacher at the time, he then slept with 2 of her sister over 3yrs and I must admit I don’t get this…I can see this is destroying us and I need to deal with his past but it is really hard and I know with all my heart he loves me, adores me and he didn’t even know me when he slept with these other 7 girls but I struggle with the images as I know what they all look like but I just want to get my confidence back and move on, he has never been unfaithful in out 21 years and I had dealt with all these emotions earlier but finding out his first he considers his first love just bought it all back.

  80. Cass K says:

    Hi Jennifer

    I’m in a very similar situation that you were and the jealousy of his sexual past only set in when we were well into our engagement. We are getting married soon and I have no idea how to overcome this. My issues are that our wedding night and sex afterwards won’t be special because I’m giving him all of me while I’m sharing him with so many other girls and only getting a small part. I don’t want to be just another notch in his belt. (P.S. He is more than willing to now wait with me until our marriage.) Also I am so nervous I’ll be compared and found lacking to others in his past. Since he has sexually done everything imaginable I feel that there is nothing left for us to discover and experience together were it is a first for both of us. While he used to say that I will be the first person he will make love to and with whom it will not just be sex I know it’s not true because he admitted recently that there were many girls he made love to and with whom it was initially not just about sex. This was one point I held onto and made me different from the others, but now that illusion is shattered as well. I also know he does not regret what he has done in the past (which really, really hurts me that he feels like that even though he knows how his past hurts me)and he does not apologise for it. According to him it made him who he is now and led him to me. All these thoughts are torturing me and our relationship is suffering. I have also thought about how it would feel if we break up as a result (and have a feeling that it’s close)and it would absolutely kill me because I love him so much. (This is probably why this is such an issue for me.) Still I cannot seem to overcome this insecurity and jealousy and feelings of being not at all special.

    Any further advice?

    You mentioned that you also had feelings that it wouldn’t be special because you waited, but he had slept with a few woman. Did you still have any of those feelings after you and your husband got married or was it as special as the perfect fantasy is that we waiters have?

  81. CP says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    Thank you so much for writing such an honest and insightful article! Jealousy is a problem for most relationships — whether both, one, or neither person waited. Even if both people waited, there are often other issues surrounding the sexual activity that did go on (Christians are good at not “technically” having sex and yet still becoming physically and emotionally involved with their girlfriend or boyfriend).

    I dealt with a lot of jealous feelings while I dated guys who didn’t wait. I felt “second best.” I felt like my boyfriend would never be satisfied with me since he had had others. I felt insecure about my body. Maybe worst of all, I felt like our love was cheapened by the fact that he had not waited. I believed many lies about myself and my relationships.

    I am now dating a wonderful man that I am sure will make a wonderful husband. I am sometimes insecure about the fact that he has had partners before me. On the other hand, I know that he is also sometimes insecure about the boyfriends I have had before him (EVEN THOUGH I didn’t have sex with them). I was in a long-term relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry. I loved him very deeply. My boyfriend has never had that type of connection with another woman and I do believe the thought of me loving another man enough to marry him bothers my boyfriend just as much as his past bothers me.

    “The absolute worst jealousy you will ever feel is nothing compared to how you will feel if you lose someone you truly love” is so important to remember. Everyone comes with a past that has some unsavory parts. When we try to rank past transgressions from most to least sinful, we are on very shaky ground.

    Although it is beautiful and so special to wait, there are parts of a relationship that are more important than being first. The man that I’m dating treats me with kindness and respect. He is compassionate, empathetic, and HUMBLE (which is not what I can say about some waiters I have dated). I can be completely myself with him and can share my fears, anxieties, and ugly truths with him.

    My partner’s past is not more important than my present with him — a healthy, respectful, life-affirming, loving relationship.

    Thank you for your perspective, Jennifer. It was so helpful to read your article and feel less alone.

  82. Rahaf says:

    Thank you so much! this really helped me now I the time my husband is not able to stand my jealousy any more especially that he has nothing more to say that could calm me down he expressed how he wished this wasn’t his culture and that he regrets being with other women before me but in my culture sex is a huge step and I kept thinking all the time that he must remember their bodies and they maybe had better skin than mine or more attractive body than mine. The idea of him being so intimate with another woman, although before he met me, makes me burn from the inside and feel so sad all the time. This made him so furious because I promise him to forget the past everytime and yet remember this again and again. this happened recently again and I had a fight with him and now I am trying to never mention this to him again because I really might lose him although I am crazy about him and he is about me too. I am writing this and crying at the same time because I feel burning in my hurt because of these images I have in my head of him with his former partners.

  83. Samantha says:

    @Jennifer, loved this article!

    I am currently going through the same thing my boyfriend. We haven’t been together for too long, but we have already hashed out our sexual histories. I wanted to wait, but I ended up giving that up with my first boyfriend who I thought we would be together. When the relationship ended, I was pretty devastated. Then I eventually met my current boyfriend. I told him that Ihad slept with one other person. Then I asked him about his, and he had told me he had been with 13 other women. He stated that none of these were one night stands, they were all relationships starting when he was 15. He did not have the greatest parental advice growing up and having conversations about waiting till marriage, etc. He also has had many trust issues with some of his relationships that he ended up giving himself completely thinking that they were the one and found out they were the complete opposite. He has since become new Christian within the last couple years.

    Hearing all this was a lot to take in. However, I brushed it off as if it didn’t matter. In reality, it did. I may have not been a virgin, but I had only slept with one person compared to his 13. I felt jealousy, anger, insecure, and that my self-worth was decreased. These thoughts started to become more frequent the more I ignored them. They were becoming more torture for myself to handle on my own. So, I have had several conversations with my boyfriend about my feelings. He understood. He also explained to me that these were women that he thought he would be with. Some were good but ended mutually and some were destructive and really tore him apart. Women these days can be just as cruel as men and it is horrible.

    Anyway, these conversations led to arguments that never seemed to get resolved. He had made peace with his past, but with me bringing it up was like reopening old wounds for him. He had given his life to Christ and has a really awesome testimony that I am just now beginning to hear. However, I did not see it that way. I wasn’t concerned about him being a virgin because I wasn’t either. However, I was concerned about the number. That was a hard hit.

    I had two options. I could turn and walk away, or I could work through this issue. I choosing to work through it because this is a wonderful man. He is kind, a true gentleman, he is caring and attentive to me. The list could go on. I am not ready to give up on something that could be truly great.

    It helped me by talking to an old youth pastor about what was going on and the emotions I was feeling. I felt more at peace with the whole situation. This process of forgiveness takes time. I have to understand that. I have to put myself in his shoes. What if I had slept with 13 of my boyfriends. Would I want to be judged even though I have given my life to Christ and have been made new? No. Would I want someone to keep bringing up my past only to make me feel worse about something that I cannot change? No. Why can’t I show the same to him? It is hard, but I am willing to do it because I cannot look at him for his past, but for what he is today.

    Us as Christians are supposed to be forgiving, loving, nonjudgemental, etc. Just like Christ was. He used many people in the bible that seemed so unfit for anything (prostitutes, lepers, etc.) God looks at the heart, not the past. Ask to be forgiven, he will forgive you. You may be surprised what God has in store for you. You may be waiting for that virgin. God may have someone else planned for you and your life. Just because you decide to waot for marriage doesn’t mean that if you marry someone who wasn’t a virgin you are giving up your values as a Christian.

    I am still learning through this whole process and it is not going to be easy. But the man I am with is not the same as he was before he met me. I have to understand that just like God does. We may get married, we may not. But we both know what we want, we share the same values, morals, etc. He makes me happy and I make him happy.

  84. Google@MissChristiLuv says:

    I admire you for this, Jennifer, cause I know myself, and I know that if it was me, I probably wouldn’t be able to get over it… I would constantly feel cheated… constantly feel jealous… constantly feel angry / resentful… constantly feel wasted like I was a true princess who waited for my prince but my prince didn’t love me enough to act like my prince and wait for me in return, and instead he spread himself around to all these concubines he didn’t love, like garbage, like an animal, and I saved myself for this? Someone who behaves like garbage? Like an animal? WTF? I couldn’t do it, I’m sorry, I would have to just wait for someone who at the very least only gave himself to the one(s) he loved, or thought he loved, not “casual hookups” or any other animal trash behavior like that. But I appreciate you inspiring us to learn how to forgive and let go and be more understanding of the darkness in our lovers’ pasts, as we all have our faults and foolish mistakes. So we always need to stay forgiving. That’s a lesson that can never be learned enough! 😀

  85. Jo says:

    If you wanted to marry a virgin you should have waited for a virgin. Not getting with someone only to constantly shame them and humiliate them over something they can’t change like their past because you think you are better and ‘holier’ than them. I’ve being in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship and I can tell you it leaves you with an almost non-existent self esteem and that pain never leaves. It may fade and he may have forgiven you but you can never forget.

    I honestly have no sympathy for abusive, controlling people like you. You have no sympathy for anyone but yourself. You abused someone and pushed them to point where they couldn’t take it anymore, then went on to write a ‘poor me’ article of how much abused someone because you ‘loved them too much’.Grow up!!
    I’m a virgin and younger and even I know better than to do that to someone else.

  86. Joseph says:

    @Jo I am sorry to hear that you have exprienced that type of relationship. No one deserves that. But I think you are misunderstanding the poster and her story. It is not that she is controlling and self-righteous. In fact I got the opposite impression.
    She was upset because she actually cared about her now-husband and their relationship.

    I am in a similar situation as her. I am dating a wonderful woman who is more than what I could ask for in someone. We were both brought up Catholic and remain strong practioners to this day. But she has been in unhealthy relationships. None of it was because she was fooling around. She genuinely thought these people cared for her. In fact she has a child from a guy she thought was going to marry her. She was also not taught that she should save herself for marriage. In fact, many people were telling her sleeping with boyfriends was normal. Now, because of her past, she is able to see how wrong those people and her past relationships were, and is now seeing and learning more about the practical wisdom behind her Catholic faith.
    She has healed a lot and turned her life around. We have even talked about marriage. Just to give you an idea, we are both in our mid/late twenties.
    Saving myself for marriage means a lot to me. Sure my faith is a part of it, but even more so, for me it’s because when my mother presented the idea of praying for my future spouse when I was very young, I made a committment to form my habits and character for that woman alone. Even though I didn’t know her, I knew I was in love with her and made a committment to become better for her so I can offer my whole heart when we say our vows. It’s about what I can give her, and I want to give her nothing less than my best.
    I’m not saying it’s not possible to offer yourself completely if you do have a past. What I am trying to say I that I won’t have to worry about dealing with much “baggage” from my end. As Jennifer’s story shows it is quite possible for either party to heal regardless of the past. Also, we must remember all things are possible with God.
    I have dated in high school and beyond so I haven’t stayed a virgin for lack of opportunity.

    As for the woman I’m currenlty with, she was completely honest and open about everything when we first started dating. We had also met and became really close on a religious pilgrimage so we both knew what we were striving for.
    I had no problem with it then as I knew it wasn’t who she is now and that nothing can be done.
    It was a few months later I started getting jealous of her past relationships. It has been the source of most of our arguments. I now realize why I was fine with it initially but only became uneasy with her past later. It was because as I got to know her, I fell more in love with her. I was not only angry at how she was treated in her past, but I was extremely worried that I was devalued (unintentionally) and upset that there are certain things we won’t expereince for the “first time”.
    Now I realize these feelings of jealousy and anger for her past and desires to share ‘first times’ are poison and in the end irrelevant because that’s not what our relationship is and should not be about. It is about us growing together and loving one another more and more daily. Who she is and who she was are erroneous. I could go off and find someone else, but that person will not be her. Later down the road, especially if we do end up married, I look back and realize how foolish I was.
    People are human and make mistakes. I don’t like or make excuses for failures and faults and mistakes, but in our ignorance we do make mistakes and that is something we must recognize as part of the human expreince. It’s not about someone’s past, but how much they truly are striving for virtue and God. Life is a continuous learning process. It’s about what I can give, not what I can take. I was taught to act out love and forgiveness above all else. That’s also what my faith teaches. Of course it is a lot easier said than done, but that’s why we have to constaly work towards bettering ourselves.

    And besides, what did Jesus say to the crowd about to stone the adultress? “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

    Thank you Jennifer for sharing your story! It really hit home as I can relate to it very well. I think this situation is common nowadays and it is comforting to know that I am not “irrational and crazy” in my feelings, and that overcoming it and having a beautiful fruitful relationship/marriage is quite possible.

  87. Gemgirl says:

    Thank you for this article Jennifer. It gave me a better insight on what should be and what shouldn’t be when you’re in a relationship with a man having several relationships in the past and I not having one. It’s absolutely difficult to deal with his past. Now I’m going through this, torturing myself with every thought that he had slept with them while I was not into a relationship. Though he professed his love for me, and I know he does really love me, the thought of his past devastates me, and we’ve had some arguments over this issue already. I hope I can change the way at look at things especially because we are engaged. I don’t want his past to ruin this relationship. He’s trying to help me with this struggle but I must admit the difficulty in doing so.

    Perhaps after reading this I will try to do as much to forget his past however hard it seems to be. I love him as much as he loves me and I don’t want to lose him because of his past.

    Thank you and your article has been very helpful. More power.

  88. Cary says:

    Hi Jennifer – Amazing article! So far, your story has been the most help of anything I’ve found. I have some questions, however, about my own situation that I would love your advice on. Someone on this forum asked you if they could contact you personally, and you responded by telling them they could contact you through this website. How does one do that? Thank you very much!

  89. miemie says:

    what if anything that has to do with sex (movies, music, pictures) reminds you of him having that with Them ?

    what if u picture him with (Them) every time hugging, kissing, the actual intercourse action plays in your mind over and over again?

    A lot of times im thinking to my self he doesn’t deserve me…. i was able to do EVERYTHING he did and then much but i knew that the person im meant to be with is going to be worth it …. i would have done a lot knowing he already enjoyed his life not thinking of me.

    I would really really love a payback that im that precious you have to really work EXTREMELY HARD to have my virginity after were married im not going to give it away easy …. i want to remind him that i waited you didn’t wait so ill make you wait for me till u regret every single time you did it with them…

    That doesn’t make me happy i feel a stab in my heart every second of the day but i love him…

  90. Rene says:

    I want you to know you’re one of the answers to my prayers today. I fell upon your article and am overwhelmed with gratitude for you, for sharing this experience with all of us. I am happy to know that I am not alone in this journey and others have gone through exactly what I am going through. With that being said it is amazing to be given hope by you because of your story! I have gone through denial so many times that this actually hurts me, but just recently after I got engaged it started to overwhelm me and has caused some arguments that all stem from my jealousy issues and my lack of being able to forgive and forget! SO Thank you for giving me hope and helping me remember that what I have is so incredibly special that I will be able to put it all in the past and enjoy what I have been given!

    You’re amazing! Thanks

  91. Kev says:

    Hi Guys,

    I’m just about to hit 40 & so is my gf, I’ve had Mostly longterm relationships.
    one year ago I finally found someone I truely love.

    She had respected herself very well until about 2 yrs before we met. After that I think she moved country & it seemed to be the norm to sleep around abit & fun too.

    So tough to accept but Im in love so I have to try an get over this.

    I totally enjoy making love with her & so does she, but I felt sometimes she had more masculine men. More fun ect
    physically I’m in good healthy shape, she’s tiny & I’m a lot taller than her, one day I seen some of her short term ex’s photos, most of the men was a much bigger build Than me, I don’t feel too confident in many ways now.
    She said she never cares about that stuff but I felt something, I don’t feel a Huge sexual attraction from her to me sometimes but I am seriously attracted to her in that way.

    What should I do? This is Driving me mad & I’m totally crazy about her,

    Kind Regards

  92. JOJO says:

    I absolutely needed to hear this. I am waiting, and my boyfriend is one of the one incredible people I know and we have that rare true love you spoke of. I actually found my self getting jealous and not realizing why. It is confusing to me because it is not my character one bit. Now that I hear your story, I completely see and understand, it all seems to be falling into place.

    Thank you for this 🙂

  93. Rody says:

    Thanks for the article.I am in the same ship.My girlfriend is not a virgin while im one.It really bothers me.I think i just have to learn living with it.

  94. Reira says:

    Hi Jennifer is it possible to contact you in another manner? One that’s not so public as this forum? I’d like to ask you for some advice since my situation is near identical to your situation in the past. I am stunned by how much this article relates to me, and I would love to hear your take on my situation if possible.

  95. Nana ll says:

    Thank you…i had da same issue…even now im praying everyday to leave behind and move on with him.

  96. Mary says:

    Thank you for your article. It is nice to know I am not the only one who struggles with this. Unfortunately I st struggle with the fact that I feel my husband should have waited for me even though he didn’t know back then because I waited for him. I wish I could get past that it is the one thing that I get hung up on the most.

  97. Winston Boulton says:

    Thank you soo much Jennifer ! I had some problems about my girlfriends sexual past…but as i read your article, it jumped into my mind ! It isn’t important what was in the past, it is important what my girlfriend and i have now ! Thank you so much for helping me to ‘get over’ it…i have understood it now…

  98. anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing!

  99. Lightpost says:

    Rody, As much as I liked Jennifers article here and was in much the same situation as her myself (except I am a man) there is another side to this. I did marry my wife who I love very much and for all the same reasons Jennifer gives here. I have “lived with it” for over 40 years now. You may think that is easy and you will get over it but you never ever do. It is always there in the back of your mind. My advice to all here is find out BEFORE you fall madly in love with someone what their sexual past is.

    I think that if I knew what pain it would cause me I would not have been so eager to have taken this on.

    The mistake you make is thinking that there is no one else out there who you can fall in love with who is a virgin like your self. There are girls out there just as good as the one you have. Do not settle for second best. You deserve better. You have saved yourself make sure the person you meet has done the same. It will be the single most powerful thing you will have in common. This girl that has already given her virginity away will never look on you like she did her first time. She will ALWAYS remember the first time she had sex…but not the first time with you. Your wedding night will be a a mediochre affair and will mean nothing for her but everything for you.
    I know this sounds awfully harsh but I have lived the life you are about to accept for the past 40 years and it is painful. She can never be a virgin again and her first sexual experience will always be the most important in her life. You will never match up to that. You will always be the second guy…the runner up.
    For me it has been a psychological nightmare that I would not wish on anyone. If you marry this girl be very clear as to what you are taking on.
    If you want a virgin…go and find a virgin. However much you love this girl she can never be what you want.
    Do not build your house of love on shaky foundations….you will be forever patching up the cracks.

  100. Lightpost says:

    Kev, I read your post with interest. I have lived that life for 40 years and all I can say is think twice and three times before you go down that path. You will ALWAYS be compared to her other lovers. Women just cannot help it. They say (with great protest) that they do not but it is not so.
    You are making the assumption that there is not someone else out there…there is. You do not have to settle for second best or play second fiddle to a string of other lovers. Those were her choices not yours. You do not have to live with it and you deserve better. I speak from bitter experience Kev.

    I love my wife immensely…but there is not doubt in my mind that the passion and love she had for her first lover is like a red hot fire compared to the mediochre ho hum love she gives me.

    It has caused my immense psychological pain, depression and many other problems over the years. That is what you will let yourself in for. Your love may overcome it but whatever you decide this IS going to hurt you alot. Not her.

    If you want to take responsibility for her previous lovers go ahead…..but if you think it is gpoing to be something that bothers you then my advice is do not do it.

    I have lived in purgatory for 40 years because of my decision to accept what she has done before. If I had know it was going to be this painful I would never have done it and gone a different path in my life.
    At 65 it is far too late for me to turn back now. It is not too late for you.

  101. Jasmine says:

    Thank you for this article.. it definitely helped me. looking forward to a happy life with no jealousy about the past…

  102. Lauren says:

    I have been recently struggling with this exact situation. I found the guy whom my soul loves & it came apparent that he has had multiple partners while I have been waiting. You’re story was one I truly needed to hear & to grasp. My thoughts were becoming toxic & I would become very upset that I wasn’t going to be his first or even his 2nd or 3rd. I truly thank you for being open and allowing others to learn from you. I’ve been so heartbroken and needed advice and didn’t know where to turn. You’ve blessed so many people with this article and I hope God pours blessings over yours now. Thank you so much for your wise words & helping not only me, but others have a little insight on this matter. -God bless

  103. rawr says:

    ehhh, i don’t see the problem as women like experienced men more than inexperienced men. i want to see a reversal of the story, a happy relationship from a woman with experience and a man with no experience, i’m willing to be such a thing doesn’t exist.

  104. bella says:

    hi ,
    I have a same problem and I need your help .I was not virgin when i came in the relationship with my partner, I had sex with my x-boyfriend. But very soon i found the boy has incorrect character and not loyal to me…I caught him red handed. eventually we broke up..i was waiting to find a perfect match for me.. and i found my partner but i hide all the sexual things i made with my ex due to insecurity. but it started bothering me from inside.. i wanted to tell him all the truth. so i told him. initially he did not react and accepted me. but soon the cruel jealousy started. he started torturing me asking me in details regarding my past.. it was not easy for me to answer all his quarries repeatedly.. i got fade up… and frustrated… so he found a way out… he went to the prostitute center and had sex and also hide the sex part from me. after four months i came to know about the fact…and now i,m totally in shock.. and it is hurting me a lot that being in a relationship how he could do this to me…such a revenge.. now i cant stop all those imaginations coming to my life has become miserable and ruined … now i am in a situation of committing suicide. please help me..

  105. Jegsy Scarr says:

    @Bella: First things first – if you’re serious about feeling suicidal, you need to speak to someone about it now, be it a friend or family member, or by calling a suicide hotline. Your life is worth more than that. You’re of infinite value.

    Secondly, it sounds like the guy you’re with just doesn’t respect you. He was bringing up your past and using it as a weapon against you. When he couldn’t handle your past, he purposely did something out of revenge which he knew would hurt you.

    It’s not my place to tell you whether you should leave this guy or not. That’s something you’re going to have to decide for yourself. But take some time to think about whether you want to be with someone who has purposely hurt you in this way. If he’s not able to move on from focussing on what you’ve done in the past, then this relationship isn’t going to be able to move forward, either.

    The two of you are in my prayers. Stay strong, now.


  106. Anon Guy says:

    Lightpost – THANK YOU SO MUCH for giving the “other side” to the story. I would like people to understand that there is NOTHING wrong if you decide that a person’s sexual past isn’t something you can “Get Over” as the title of this article ineloquently puts it. There is such a thing as “righteous jealousy”.
    I am happy for Jennifer and her husband,but I certainly appreciate someone with EXPERIENCE to give another view, and to be transparent about it.

    This is a well written article, and I admire the author’s transparency. I notice that many people, mostly women, are commending this article. However, there is a huge difference between a woman “getting over it” and a man “getting over” it.

    One comment above includes a male poster dating a woman with previous sexual history and a child. For the love of God, PLEASE think before you do this. I’m not saying that your significant other and child aren’t amazing people, but there is nothing wrong in thinking about yourself and your needs and desires. Sexual past is one thing, another man’s child is a whole different ball game. If it is God’s will, fine, but don’t think that there aren’t others out there.

    Thanks again to the author for sharing.

  107. Debrah says:

    Hey, Jennifer, thanks for this article.My beau who wants to marry me sent me this site after we duscussed my sexual history last night. He is a virgin and am not.Am glad to have read your story because am a victim of sexual history that I regret so much, a past I have buried behind me and I pray I will be 100percent accepted by my beau since he is taking steps towards working it out.

  108. Julie says:

    Hi Jennifer – thank you so much for this post. My situation is similar, except I have only been dating this guy for 2.5 months.. I am a virgin and he has had 2 girls in the past. what makes it harder is that we’re currently in a long distance relationship where only form of communications is through skype/phone calls. I found out about his past and it was eating me alive. I spent sleepless nights tortured by the ridiculous images I created in my mind and it was absolutely dreadful. I couldn’t focus on anything. After a week or so it has gotten better, (after talking to few friends) and I have decided to accept it because he’s such a sweet, amazing guy. But lately it’s been haunting me again, and I ended up bringing this topic up again last night during our conversation. I was hoping he’d say he regrets it and ask to be forgiven – which he did not, but he did express unhappiness and anxiety that I’d eventually give up on him and walk out. We are both Christians although he doesn’t really seem to believe in the whole ‘no sex before marriage’ thing. HE says he will wait for me, which is great, but this has been so hard to get over.. your article really helped me. I agree, as a christian we are to be non-judgmental and forgive just like how he did for us. At this point I feel I’m early enough in my relationship to get out (if i absolutely needed to, although the thought of it is devastating) – but I am absolutely terrified that I will never again find someone who’s a virgin and amazing. Being 25, it must be something that’s very difficult to find. I’m in the process of healing from the wounds and I hope to God that he leads me to the one he has meant for me. I really do. Thank you so much for your insight Jennifer.

  109. ally says:


    You could have made another choice of marrying your wife of 40 years Or getting over her the moment you realized you could never be happy with her past. Isn’t 40 years Enough for you to stop how her past makes you feel?

  110. Jennifer says:

    tnks Jennifer,your story has been really helpful.

  111. Summer says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    I have been struggling with the same feelings. The thought that my bf was with several sexual partners, even one that had a child (that wasn’t his), and others for one night… It’s so hard to get over especially the fact that I was a virgin before I met him. It kills me to know that I’ve waited while he was having fun with all sorts of women… But he is all I ever wanted in a relationship. I’m really trying to get over my insecure feelings.

  112. Lightpost says:

    Yes Ally – you are right. I could have made the decision back then to leave her. But I honestly thought that I could get over it and for many years I put it in the back of my mind…focussed on work and our children. Now it is just the two of us again the thoughts are never far from my mind (I am not sure they ever were). I wonder what I was doing at the time she gave him her virginity, I play mental videos in my head every time we make love. I know all this must sound stupid to you and (like my wife) you probably think it is all in the past and I should just get over it after all these years. But not so easy to do.I so wish I could just switch it off….except I don’t know where the off switch is.

    I think Ally it has something to do with wanting something I can never have. If you read some of my other posts you’ll know that there is not much in this world that I could not have….except my wife’s virginity. I can never have that and I also know that she remembers that more vividly and fondly than any sex she has ever had with me.

    Knowing that the woman you love had sex and enjoyed it more than any sex she ever had with you is a painful reality for me. We have learned never to talk about it and I give the impression that it is all in the past…but it isn’t.

    You would think it was easy. If it is I have not found the solution. I can make a million bucks falling off a log but solve this one…I have no clue.

    I do agree with you that at my age I should get over it but that is why I write here…I don’t know how to do that.

  113. Ai says:

    Good read! and amazing story. Felt like I am reading my own life, only I’m still in the middle of the story, where jealousy creeps out of me that it is always and the only reason of our argument. I also have other worries and it feared me that if the former girlfriends come up, that he will leave me.

    I hope I can get over his (wild) past, so we could live both peacefully, if not together, then it will on our own 🙁

  114. Update? says:

    Jennifer — Now that it’s been a few years, can you give us an update? Do you ever think of your husband’s past or have you completely moved on from that? A look into the future would be helpful for us seeking advice! Thanks!

  115. Mike says:

    @Lightpost – I am in a very similar situation to yours. I fell in love before I realized my wife’s past, so once given the option of accepting her past or moving on, I decided to accept her with her past. While I love her greatly the pain of her past will never go away and like you and your wife we basically don’t talk about it anymore after 9 years together. This article made me a little angry where the author talked about how “she was causing her boyfriend so much pain”, because of his past. Get one think straight, he caused all of the pain for both her and himself by his poor choices. It is a two way street, if he can’t handle her purity he could have opted out of the marriage as well as her. I have gone through this same process with my wife as she accuses me of hurting her because of her past. Please understand that I never bring up her past and we do not discuss it unless she brings it up, so I am not hounding her about it.

    I really do believe that men and women view sex differently. I have heard it said that men give affection to get sex and women give sex to gain affection. So maybe it will help you to understand that women do not see sex as the ultimate goal in a relationship, they are primarily looking for love and affection. While you are correct that your wife will never forget her first experience, she probably does not look on it with fondness, but probably regret. This is one issue in my life that I have not been able to handle on my own. When the feelings of pain come back I have to ask God to help me forgive and deal with the pain, because I have caused Him so much pain with my sin as well. It does bring some comfort to recognize that everyone involved in her past sexual mistakes were victims of a sinful world and they probably had no idea what a harmful thing they were doing. She was just a young woman in desperate need of love and affection so she gave herself to others hoping that someone would love her if she gave what they wanted from her. Little did she know at the time, that sex is not how unmarried people demonstrate love, so instead of the sexual act sealing those relationships it destroyed them.

    9 years ago, I literally made the conscious decision that I was going to love her regardless of her past and I was going to be willing to give more than I received in our relationship. I went into the marriage saying I recognize your past but my love for you is so strong that nothing including my own hurt is going to keep me from loving you and those selfish jerks from the past will not cheat out of the woman that I love. One caveat to this approach is the fact that she has confessed to me time and time again that she regrets her past, she does not look on it with fondness. I trust that she is being honest with me, because as you suggested if the spouse with the sexual history reflects on those events with fondness it would be impossible (for me at least) to move forward.

    I hope and pray that you find peace in your heart as we I pursue peace as well. You and I have a common bond.

  116. Alicia says:

    1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Praise Jesus for Your word!

  117. jk says:

    Just for the record, I’ve been married 20 years and it still hurts like Hell knowing my husband had sex with some woman, even though it was only once, and he says it didn’t mean anything to him. In my case, the pain grows with my love for him. The more years pass, the more things we share, the more I love him, the more unbearable the images of him having sex with that woman become. Time has done nothing to relieve the pain, on the contrary, now it’s making me miserable 24/7.

  118. jk says:

    @lightpost People that tell you you shouldn’t have married her, let it go, etc. probably have a sexual past themselves they wish their partner would get over with. But as someone living your same nightmare I totally see your point and relate to your situation. I’m saddened by the fact you’ve been living this Hell for 40 yrs. It’s been 20 for me, and my hopes of overcoming it just went down the drain after reading your experience.

  119. Steve says:

    Thank you; this article really helped me a lot. I have always known anything is possible in relationships where people love one another, and that the past really can be left behind. I have just struggled with it so much with my girlfriend I got online searching for help basically, and this helped. I have strong feelings about this I do not want to process with my girl since it would hurt her so much; so I’m choosing instead to read others’ stories and talk to friends before I talk to her again. My stance is since we already talked about it it ought to be in the past but I’m still having pain about it because I care for her so much, so I need help. I think that’s best.

    Anyway thank you again for writing this article 🙂

  120. L says:

    I am dealing with the same issue. I was a virgin and my husband was not. I used to think my husband felt as sorry as I am, so I never told him how I felt just to spare him misery. But recently, when I finally revealed this issue, He told me he did not feel sorry about losing virginity to someone else. He still had feelings for a past sexual partner even after we got married. I refer to her has his partner, because she actually had a boyfriend. All three of them worked in the same building. He even named something after her. Even after many recent big fights we had over this, he said he does not regret his past sexual relationship, he just regretted it was not better.

    I feel cheated at many levels. I used to think he cares about me and would not do anything to hurt me purposefully, but I was wrong. I used to think he loves our children he wants a happy family, but he did not even regret the reason that’s tearing this family apart.

  121. Anonymous says:

    L, your circumstance is beyond painful. I can’t believe he would say something like that to you. Is there any possibility he is being defensive? Some men hate to admit their mistakes and they would rather say they don’t regret having done something, than admit they made a mistake. I’m sure he loves his children and you, but pride and ego is a big thing for men. Maybe you could ask him for a trial separation, that might get him to realize what you really mean for him. It’s sad but sometimes people just idealize someone from their past, and don’t realize they don’t really care about that someone until they lose the person in their present.

  122. S says:

    This article is amazing and I’m crying my eyes out – this is almost as if I wrote it – I can relate to this so much! Thank you for writing!!

  123. A says:

    Jennifer, would love to email you! Is that possible?

  124. Kelly says:

    Hi, thanks for your story!
    I have been in a dilemma with my boyfriend’s past as well..
    Been going through the stages of jealousy and had intentions of ending with him too.

    Until the time when i thought, i will never ever be able to hold in my arms anymore kind of woke me up.

    Decided to start anew with him but time to time, i still feel the tinge of jealousy in my heart..

    Im still trying to figure my way out.. and i do believe love will conquer everything.

  125. Lightpost says:

    Hi all, My situation is the reverse of what I have read in all the heart wrenching posts here as I was the virgin in our relationship and my wife was not. You can read my sorry tale in my posts on Jennifer’s other article on Jealousy. Go to the one with the Green logo so I won’t repeat it all here. Most of you are all much younger than I…my wife and I have been together for nearly 40 years but the pain of having all my most cherished dreams shattered stays with me every single day of my life. Like L, my wife gives me every indication that she is pleased things turned out the way they did for her. She had sex with her former fiancee many times before he dumped her 2 weeks before her wedding day. She gave her virginity to him and her heart to him only to have it smashed into a million pieces by his callous actions.
    Like many of you I thought I could get over this but after 40 years I realize I cannot and it only gets worse the older I get. I was young and naiive back then and I honestly thought time would heal the pain….I was so wrong ….it does not. If anything I feel worse now than I did then. Now there is no possibility of me ever knowing what losing each others virginity together on your wedding night will be like. I will never know a woman’s virginity

    I truly understand the pain that you all feel. Only someone that lives this can ever know it. I do not think what I feel is jealousy…that is one of the emotions I feel. He tossed aside something that was so precious. But by no means does it end with feelings of jealousy.. I think that is why it is so painful because every emotion is in there to some degree.

    Like you, I love my partner immensely. I gave her my virginity but she does not remember that day. She does remember the day she gave her virginity to him of course…as every woman does…in every detail. Time, place, what she was wearing…every detail of it.

    Like you I do not get any sense of remorse fro her or any sense that she wishes she had done things differently. In fact I think she seems quite happy with the way her life turned out. But looking back I think I have absorbed much of her pain as well as my own. With no-one to talk to for all of these 40 or so years it has been a very very painful journey that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

    Of course, I am not you and you are not me but all I can tell you is that for me…this pain has not gone away. It has just got worse.

    I cannot turn back the clock but if I knew then what I know now I would have never embarked on this journey. The day she told me she had sex with him I should have walked away…I loved her…I still do…but she destroyed all of my most cherished dreams. That sounds really awful to say but our wedding night was just a ho hum affair because. I know full well that it was not me she wished she were with but her ex lover.

    Not once in all the years we have been married has she ever said she wished she had given herself to me. Those words would mean so much to this heartbroken and lonely old guy. I can only conclude that it is him she really loved and if he came back into her life now I would get thrown on the scrap heap along with the wreckage of my dreams.

    The subject is taboo between us…like an elephant in the room. We never talk about it. Whenever I do she says it was all before my time and nothing to do with me. So that is why I write here. It helps me to write about it and perhaps I can provide a little bit of wisdom to those out there who are just starting out in romantic life.

    What I feel is not jealousy. It is anger, hurt, betrayal…wishing the pain will go away but it never does. I have been faithful to my wife..provided everything she could ever desire in life but in the background I have this feeling that all I got was the left overs of a previous man.

    It pains me so very very much to even think of the woman I love in those terms but that is how she makes me feel. I am the second fiddle and always will be.

    Breaking up with people you have come to care for is always very hard but if I had my time again that is exactly what I should have done. When she told me she was not a virgin and later that she had done just about every sexual act possible with him I should have ended it there and let her go. She created her past – I did not but it is me that has had to live with that knowledge and I can tell you that the pain of it never ever goes away…especially when your partner is pleased at their past and shows no remorse or regret. Those are danger signs you need to heed.

    There are many men out there who are virgins and if you don’t want to deal with someone else’s past I strongly urge you to find one of them. Otherwise you will condemn yourself to a prison like the one I created for myself.

    It is a lonely painful place to spend your life and my advice to you is end it while you still can.

  126. Lightpost says:

    L, I hope you are still looking at the site here. You and I are in similar situations. The only solution I found to stay married for this long is to just not talk about it. As I said above it is our elephant in the room. Always there but no-one mentions it. It worked for me but the consequences for me at any rate were mentally very severe. I also stayed married because of our children and for many years while they were growing up I pushed all thoughts of this onto the recesses of my mind and focused on being the best Dad and husband I could be. Arguing parents is never good for kids so I chose not to argue over anything for their sake and especially bringing up this sensitive subject was a no no for me.
    But the mental cost to me has been enormous. While I have a lovely family…all grown up now…I have been on a mental desert island for decades. There is no-one to talk to about my feelings. No-one to help me … except for writing on this site….probably why I write a lot about it. I also write to help others with their journey.
    As I see it there are two can keep on having arguments about it or just not discuss it at all. You will never erase his memories of losing his virginity to someone else and just like my wife he will always harbour strong feelings for that person. It is not avoidable….he cannot stop those thoughts and feelings any more than you can. It is as they say what it is and the clock goes only one way. As I have written here before while losing ones virginity is always thought of mainly in the context of the woman the mental impact for both is the same. Physically different…mentally identical. That is why your husband and my wife cannot forget it. They never will.
    If you choose to stay and raise your kids with him be prepared for a lot of mental anguish. That is the price you will pay for the happiness of your kids…and your husband. That is the price I paid. Outwardly I am the guy that has it all…lovely family..beautiful wife…cars and houses that most people only dream of but inwardly…as you can see…I am a mental train wreck.
    The irony of all this of course is that working was my escape mechanism for years. It was that which allowed me the luxury of not thinking about her past. Now I cannot stop thinking about these things but there is no-one to talk to.
    But L. you are not me and may be able to handle this pain better than I All I can say to you is that for me it has been a very difficult and painful journey and that pain does not ever end. You just have to learn to live with it.
    If you did leave him and found a virgin man the he would be in much the same boat as me and he would then be the one feeling all the pain as I do. It is a big painful and viscous circle. I do wish you well and want to let you know that you are not alone in your pain and your feelings are perfectly natural.

  127. Apyz says:

    Hey, I know this thread has gotten old but the issue of dealing with your partner’s past will always be a persisent problem in relationships. Happy to know that Jennifer you are happily married now. Best wishes to both of you. Apparently, I am dealig with such retroactive jealousy issues too and having a tough time dealing with it despite a year having gone by. The problem is slightly different than yours. My fiance ended up revealing the details more than required and talked about the number of girls he kissed(not a regular peck on cheeks ofcourse) when all I had asked was if he had any sexual relationships! I am curious Jennifer, were you told in detail by your fiance about their names and the girls he kissed apart from the girls he slept with. I got information more than I even wanted to hear. All I was keen was knowing if he slept and here I know of numbers which exceed way more than the girls he slept with. The truth haunts because I not just know whom he slept with but even whom he kissed and their names. I really need help on dealing with this from someone who had an experience similar to this and managed to work things through.

  128. Lightpost says:

    Hello Apyz, It is a persistent problem in relationships for sure and if my life is anything to go by it is a very lonely journey. But, of course it is only a problem in relationships where one or the other or both people have baggage. For couples that are virgins there is no such problem.

    In my case I had always believed that virginity both for the man and the woman (there is no distinction) was to be saved for the wedding night. I was a virgin when I met my wife and, because I held that belief so strongly I made a disastrous assumption that because she was not yet married she was a virgin too. Using my flawed assumption I fell madly in love with her. The death knell for my beliefs tolled some months later when she told me she was not only not a virgin but also having frequent sex with her former lover.

    The knife in my heart is still there. The memory of that dreadful day still crystal clear in my mind.

    That was my fork in the road. Carry on with this relationship and try to heal the wounds or end it and find what I really was looking for. I chose the former, thinking that time, money, children would heal the pain. None of those made any difference and it is clear to me now that the path I took was entirely the wrong one.

    I should have stuck to my beliefs and not compromised them. I gave my virginity to her before we were married. It was so special for her that she does not even recall it….yet she remembers every tiny detail of the day she lost her virginity to him.

    But so many years have passed – every one of them filled with painful recollections of what might have been and there is not a soul to talk to about it. My wife keeps it all to herself. Will not discuss it. So here I am writing here as lonely and heartbroken as ever a man can be.

  129. nick says:

    Lighthouse, Sorry to hear about your situation. I have some questions: Has there ever been a time in your marriage when you fully accepted everything about your wife’s past? Does she wish she would have waited for you? Has your wife told you that you could never be as good as her first time with her ex or is this the image you have? Does she still think about him? Does she love you? how much? Is she nonchalant about sex before marriage? Has she been faithful? In your posts, you have described, in great detail your anger, bitterness, inner turmoil and brokenness, but there is not much information about how your wife truly feels about it. Other than this issue, how is your marriage? Do you want to get over this?

  130. Anonymous male says:

    Im having trouble coming to terms with something. When my wife I met she was 17 and i was 18. We had coffee a couple of times. Then over the christmas holidays she went to a party with some friends. We had a scheduled date the night after the party. At the time i thought nothing of it. It was to be both of our first official date. So the day of the date she cancelled. And we rescheduled for later that week. We hooked up and after 4 or 5 month had sex where we had both proffesed to be virgins. We went on to have a wonderfull relationship and have been together for 15 years with 2 children. There was always somethingg off as there was certain topics that she would hide and not want to talk about. I figured out 1 month ago that she had a drunk one night stand the night of the party with a stranger that she has never had contact with again except when she was pregnant and he sat down next to her at work as he was just hired on.(she immediately went on matternity leave, i dint know why at the time). I had to push her finally into admitting it and throughout she tried to lie and obscure what had happened. She finally came clean. This tore my heart to pieces. The fact that she was with someone does not bother me so much as does the lying for 15 years. I feel like i was cheated and that my agency was stolen from me. I also feel that i gave something extreamily special to me away to her. It was very important to me at the time.

    She has shown sings of repentance but she has also said that she woulda lied again as she likes the life we have and that she couldnt imagine not having the children. She believes that i would have ended the relationship had i found out in the beggining which she may very well be right. She claims she hid it from me as she felt dirty and ashamed which i can understand. I just feel sometimes that she is lying about her feelihgs and why she did it at the time (hinsight vs at the time). She also sais things that are disengenuous about the event to try and placate meto make me feel better. I keep telling her that i dont feel jealous which i dont. This comes off as more lies. Its lying now that i wont tolerate anymore. I know realize that we have both lied about our emotions. I am really struggling with this. I feel that i cant trust what she sais anymore as she will just try to serve herself. I have taken this all well, i havent yelled at her and have tried to ensure that she feels safe talking to me about everything and anything. It is strange as our emotional bond has been stronger than it has ever been because we are opening up more and more but at the same time i feel a very deep sadness and i have bouts of severe distrust. I dont know what to make of any of this.

  131. Mark says:

    Thank you for your story. It reminds me my story, it’s very similar. I was virgin, my girlfriend was not. We first talked about after 2 months, it was painful for both. I tought it was done. After 8 years I became jealous again and we started it again, explored it in details (not a good idea). I thought it was done again. Now after 14 years it’s back that’s why I’m here. This site helped me a lot. I’m going to end it for good now.
    We are new-born Christians, what’s in Christ is new it’s been all forgiven by God long time ago. Why sould I bother then? I believe that God will help me with this. I love my wife so much.

    Thank you for your story it was helpful too.

  132. Hope says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It calmed me down a little because I just read the conversation of my bf with his first GF who he gave his virginity to. I’m 23 this year and I’ve been saving my virginity for the right one after marriage, just like you. Whatever you’ve been through is what I am going through now. The fact of him having ex GFs is really eating me alive and it broke my heart each time I imagined how intimate were them before. What hurts me most is not the physical closeness but the emotional closeness of first loves that can never be replaced by anyone. He loved her so much and he wanted to marry her. Even after their break up for 7 years he still cared about her and ask her friends to make sure she is doing well. We’ve argued many times and he is fed up about it. I don’t know what should or can he do to make me feel better. I really cannot accept the fact that his heart has someone else inside. Please help me.

  133. Sk says:

    Hi, Thanks for sharing your story. My story is same as yours. Im currently going through the same situation with my wife. Yes, she had many past relationship and she was never truthful untill I found out from her old emails. I really did a very big mistake by digging her past from her emails but I had no other choice as her behaviour started to doubt on her loyality.
    I just feel like at the moment. I really love her and I do not share my feelings as she would feel bad. I am going through a torture of acting happy though im so much hurt inside. I feel like a clown with a happy face masked and tears inside.
    She is very happy with me. She always tries to make me smile and help me in some other ways. I somehow make her convince saying that, I am sad due to office work pressure.
    I hope she would never give up on me and manages to handle my sadness. I dont want her to know she is the only reason of my sadness 🙁 as I dont want to loose her.

  134. Leili says:

    Hi yo everyone!
    I have found this post because I was looking for some tips or some help so that I can overcome My boyfriends past.
    We have been together for three years, but before meeting me he was a boy who didnt matter to have sex with other Girls. Every time I think about it I cant stop hating him and getting angry with him, I he is now tired. He told me maybe I cant stand with it. But iblove him so much… I would like to forget everything he did before meeting me. He says that he regrets. How can I forget it?
    Thank you and sorry about My english! I am spanish!

  135. Andrew Bartholomew Marcel from: Nigeria my contact are 08162535009 says:

    Hi frends ,am so much thanks for the advice that u all Maint . Since wn in my secondry level till my final year ,but although the spirit of sex ws in me but i try to avoid it ,even many girls were trying to be my sexual partner bt i stil escape .pls i need advice someone help thanks.

  136. R says:

    I am crying reading this because every single word you wrote describes how I feel. We’ve been together for almost two years, we’re engaged, he’s the absolute best, sweetest, kindest man I have ever dated (and I have dated a lot of men), but his sexual past is this giant weight that tugs at my heart and pulls me away from him. I feel cheated that I waited for him no matter how close I got to sleeping with other guys, but I always had “my future husband” in the back of my mind. But he’s had a dozen girls, most of them one-night-stands, from a time in his life when he was running away from pain. I know he loves me and I know my jealousy makes him think of things he doesn’t want to think about, and I pray every day that this weight would be lifted off my shoulders. I don’t want to lose him. He is an amazing man of God and perfect for me in every other way, so why does this hurt so much? It actually, physically hurts. I know I need to forgive him. He loves me and holds me and has asked for forgiveness every time I cry about his past. I know he’s fighting with me through this, but I just wish the pain would heal faster.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You have no idea how good it feels to know that I’m not the only one going through this. And it gives me hope to know that you found peace, and forgiveness, and full happiness. Thank you for that.

  137. Mr.A says:

    With already having a lot of pain inside , I started reading this article .Throughout the article I was crying. Experiencing same kind of situation but slightly bitter and worst among all of you.just two year ago I started liking a girl who is already in a reltionship, but I never express it because I knew that it is impossible to be with her. I was always in “wait till marriage” group. Nearly 8 months ago when we both were returning from a trip, We share our feeling with each other. I was very happy that she loves me too. I asked several times about his boy friend but Everytime she said that she was not serious in that relation,that guy is just a mentor for her rather than a lover. I believed her. We started chatting more , talking more. It was my first love so I was feeling like out of the world. But I never know about the dark side of this story. Meanwhile she start attracted towards that guy even more strongly. She was with him when i was dreaming about her. Ahe started thinking her future with him and here I was thinking about her as my life parter without knowing this, like a big fool.After so many days She messaged me that she doesn’t have feeling for me. She is now with her ex boyfriend. After reading that I was freezed. I stopped breathing. My heart was suddenly stopped workng. I was feeling like a dead person for a few months. Then I recovered from this depressing situation. It took me 3 months to come out from this situation. During these days her ex boyfriend started feeling unwell. He was facing some mental problem. As a good friend I was always with him. She often come to his place to see him. she told me that they both are not together now. This time I didn’t felt anything as my feelings for any kind of relations were dead. That boy went to his native place to do something else. One day during chatting I proposed her,although it was not direct proposal. She was also trying for the same intention, this I asked her to be my life partner.
    It was all set now. But Next day only,she told me that she is not virgin. Everything has stopped that moment. Anyhow I took care of myself she continue that she lose her virginity that time when I was thinking about her, dreaming about her. And even they come close during that time also when I used to stay with her so called “not boyfriend”. I cried like a hell that night. Next morning I came to know that she already told her mother about both of us. I was not able to figure out that what should I do now. Everything was flowing very fast. Now from last three months our family knows everything about us. We will be in a wedlock soon. But those past physical relations are haunting me now. Those dirty pictures and videos are coming into my mind. Because I always that kind of a person who was waiting someone pure..whom I can give my everything. But in present situation I know it all nearly impossible to show true affection and love to her. Days will be not as romantic as they could be between two first timers. Whenever I discussed it with her , she starts Shouting at me. It hurts her very badly. But now I am totally confused. If it will be same for rest of our life ,neither me nor she will be happy in this relationship. I afraid after reading few comments here that people are bearing that pain from last 30-40 years. Please suggest me how to come out from this situation.

  138. theresia says:

    hello, i experience the same things and it haunting me like hell

  139. therej says:

    hi everyone, im so happy that i find out this topics. so me and my Bf now already 1,5 years. when i first start with him he told the truth that he had sex before with his 7 years ex gf and they planned to married that time but they broke up for a reason. i was totally fine that time and not thinking too much. but after 4 months later suddenly i feel cheated, insecure, jealous, angry. i feel like i share my bf body with other girls. i keep thinking they’ve been 7 years together, what they doing and how far they did, its killing me worse. he very love me, i can feel his true Love but i just cant stand the fact that im not his first and i feel always less special. i cant stop imagine he sex with his ex.when i ask about his past he get mad and he said want only focus with current relationship and he said love me so much and cant imagine to lost me but why i keep think he also talk like that to his ex. and i cant stop stalking his ex insta and facebook and keep comparing me and her. im trying to accept that they already sleep together but i cant really 100% move on, and it changes my Love feeling to him. i know its already past but it affects my current feeling now. please follow my instagram @tiffanywong1234 and DM me. i need your advice privately. i need support

  140. Hunonymus says:

    @ Lightpost:

    Ah maann reading your story I can certainly relate to you even though I am a single man who never married nor have I lost my virginity yet.

    Due to my Christian background, I always believed sex which is sooooo intimate should be shared with my wife, and hopefully she will do the same for me by waiting etc.

    Since the past couple of months, I did entertain the thought that one day I might run into a woman, and she might not be a virgin. The thought of marrying her, the whole set of emotions like hurt, anger and feelings of emasculation started creeping in, that at certain times I said no way I want to marry as it was just tooooo painful to go through those emotions and feelings.

    It is like I am in more pain thinking about marriage and getting a non-virgin woman in contrast to when I was/am single etc. So those thoughts literally chewed me up alive, just very very painful.

    If and when a woman has sex with the man for the first time, if she successfully orgasm with the guy inside her, and lets assume she absorbs his sperm even a very very little bit – that forms a soul tie and not only that but the woman will carry his MALE DNA inside her body for the rest of her life!!
    Because a woman/wife upon having sex, they carry the energy lines of men. That is how their bodies are designed.

    Here is that article that talks about the MALE DNA inside a woman’s body lurking..

  141. Hunonymus says:


    I hope you are feeling better now brother. Reading about experience was quite painful and I can certainly understand how you feel. As you are not the only one who suffered with those emotions/feelings etc. I am suffering with those feelings/emotions of hurt etc.. so painful. But, at least I am glad that I can learn and get some real life perspective on how it feels and I can make a smart informed choice in getting to know the woman and find out about her past before I fall in love with her..

    Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I hope God can give you the strength, courage and peace at this stage in your life.

  142. Vick Macky says:

    Can someone please help? I have been emailing and leaving messages and nobody is responding. people are not getting the confirmation emails!

    I would love to join this site but it looks like you’re experiencing some major tech issues.

    Someone please HELP and email me back at

  143. joseph says:

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  144. Lightpost says:

    Sorry I have been away for a while Hunonymous but I really do appreciate your comments.

    Please, please my friend take my advice and keep your virginity for the woman that will give you hers. You owe it to yourself and you do not deserve the lifelong pain that I have endured. Purgatory is the only word I have that adequately describes it.Ignore the peer pressures and stick to your beliefs. It is the ONLY way to avoid this heartache. Thank you also for the link…I have not read it yet but it is so strange that I have often felt there is some connection to him other than just memory. It would not at all surprise me to find that there was much more to it. You can read my troubled story on the Jealousy article where I have written extensively about it. This site is therapeutic for me…my only relief in a very lonely world.
    Thanks for posting

  145. Lightpost says:


    I feel your pain. I live it every day of my life and have done for well over 40 years. My advice to you perhaps is not what you want to hear but it is the best advice I can give you. If you have saved your virginity for the man you marry I suggest that this guy is the wrong one for you. Always you will be thinking of what he and his girl friend of 7 years did together. In 7 years they will have had many and varied sexual experiences and you can be sure there is nothing you will do together that he has not already done. You will think about it all the time, It will haunt you every single day of your life and it will never ever let you go.

    As painful as it will be my advice is to find a man who is also a virgin and share that mots precious of experiences with someone who will treasure it.

    Despite popular belief there are many men who prefer to wait for a virgin to fall in love with. There is nothing more precious and meaningful isn ones life than sharing your most intimate moments with your husband on your wedding night.

    Anything else is just second best.

  146. The Virgin Mary says:

    I struggle with this. I’ve been in a relationship with a man for the last 9 years and we had an “Everything but” type of sexual relationship, except maybe with a few more things excluded, such as the fact he never touched my nether regions, no oral or penetration of any type, etc. It was a first, serious relationship for both us, although he was much older (we were 24 and 36 when we met). He had been a virgin all his life until one year before he met me when he got so frustrated and fed up with being lonely after trying for years to find a girlfriend/wife, and he had sex; the one encounter led to a handful of other one-time, casual sex encounters and he said he regretted it immediately and it tore him up inside, especially after he met me and found out I was a virgin. He was dedicated to us not going all the way, but we found each other so irresistible, we slowly allowed ourselves certain things like groping, being naked, sleeping in the same bed, etc. I sometimes wondered if these things made me not a virgin anymore, but I was still committed to no intercourse.

    We had several emotional issues like him pressuring me for marriage for the first few years and me not being able to shake a feeling that we weren’t meant to get married but I still cared for him and didn’t want to break up. We saw a counselor for three years and enduring pressure from our family and friends to make up our minds. Finally, he came to see what I had thought all along, which was he only wanted to get married because he thought it would fill a void actually caused by his own low self esteem and validate himself. He finally started to find value in himself outside of our relationship–for years, his hatred of himself had caused me a great deal of pain and tons of secondary issues in our relationship. Once we were both on the same page of not wanting to get married, our relationship improved 10-fold. The pressure and guilt was gone! However, it got confusing after that because we tried to break up but were so accustomed to each other and living our lives together (though we lived in separate houses), we never really broke up. We stopped calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but never made the announcement to friends and still did most of the things that girlfriends and boyfriends do together. We talked about dating other people, but never followed through.

    For a long time, I’ve felt guilt that we both really need to grow a spine and just end things completely so we can get on with our lives and perhaps find other people, but the fear of trying to find someone else who would be cool with waiting until marriage has been a barrier, as well as just fear in general. However…just a couple of months ago, I met a man at a party and he later asked me out. We’ve gone on a handful of dates and seem to be hitting it off really well. This man is not a Christian in the real sense, but does participate in some Christian-oriented spiritual practices, so I’m not sure how this will work out, but he understands me on a mental and emotional level unlike anything with my ex, so I’m just so grateful to have that right now. I dreaded telling him I was a virgin, but I just did and he was amazingly cool with it. He thought it was great and said he would go only as far as I wanted to.

    So now I feel like I have something that is forcing the issue of finding closure with my ex, which I think is a good thing. I had a discussion with him (my ex) recently about dating again and what he thought about since we’ve always been so close and care for each other, what if we tried dating others and if five years from now, neither of us has found The One, we just get married? He actually stated that since he came to realize what marriage really is, all the compromises and work (not just something that makes you feel you finally belong to the “normal” crowd), he doesn’t think he’ll ever get married, even to me. This was a little hard to hear, but gave me some closure on not feeling guilty about us moving on. However, I don’t think he’s really prepared for the grief that will come when we finally split for good. All the memories, all the love and life we’ve shared that will be over…I know it will be hard for both of us, even as we find other people.

    I’m a little worried about the difference in values between myself and my new “lover,” but if nothing else, this will at least help me get a fresh start. He’s drawing me out of my emotional shell I’ve hidden in for years from knowing I wasn’t understood and I just can’t pass that up. If at any point, it seems he’s actually not prepared to respect my sexual boundaries, I’ll run. I’ve made the mistake of not being part of a church family for too many years, so I think it is time I become part of the community again.

  147. Katsumi says:

    My story is pretty much the same as others shared here. I am a virgin but the guy I am dating is not.

    I am by nature someone who thinks and overthinks and trusts very little (I think that’s what makes me a good accountant 🙂 I need details and logic with everything. I am very introverted and always try to play by the rules. Though I am reserved and may come out as cold, I care deeply about others and try to find ways to make people’s lives better.

    I saved myself for 35 years – everything including my first kiss for the alter. I was brought up in a family and culture where purity isn’t something you specifically committed to or negotiated when you are a teen. It is just like anything relating to being a healthy person. It is like having your vision or hearing. My boyfriend is from another country and a totally different culture. Our common ground is our faith in God, but he waited until 35 and then lost the plot. He has dated many women but has gone all the way with only one. According to some articles I have read online, I am supposed to consider myself lucky and embrace him for not being a promiscuous playboy who’s been with 20 or 30 women. I cannot relate to this way of thinking since I was brought up in a time and place with a totally different perspective – you lose it the first time and it’s done. It doesn’t matter whether it’s with 1 or 30.

    I have been spending a lot of time praying, searching the internet, reading books and whatever I can find to gain some peace of mind. Nothings seems to work. I envy those who have found this article helpful and have been able to get over their feelings of jealousy, bitterness, sadness, disappointment and anger.

    I am almost at the point where I am regretting not taking my chances at having a boyfriend when I could (we are allowed to see a guy in my country and most often than not, you end up marrying him). I refused so many offers from amazing guys from my own country because there was so much incompatibility on other levels. I wanted to make memories with the one I could truly love. It is heartbreaking to finally find someone I can love and learn that they did not share the same convictions and sentiments. It is as painful as unreciprocated love. I don’t think I am jealous. It is just an overwhelming sense of sadness that sweeps over me when I think of my wedding night and how I want to hear my husband tell me that I was worth waiting for. I will never hear that.

    My boyfriend deeply regrets and repents of what he did. He is a good and honourable man in every sense of the word. I have never heard anything bad about him from his friends or our church. You may ask me why it is still so hard to accept him for the man he is today? The problem is me. I am insecure in the idea that I have to compete with his past. I am sure he has many wonderful memories with other women and I am sad I have none of my own. If I did, then I wouldn’t even be writing this. I can give my heart only once but he has loved many times and I am afraid that he may meet someone he thinks is better and leave me someday – it is not uncommon in his country even among Christians.

    I don’t know what to believe in anymore. One one side you are told that it is the right thing to uphold certain standards and then on the other side you are told to forgive and accept someone who has not kept their end of the deal. I keep telling myself that it’s not even my problem and it’s for him, God and the other woman to sort out. But then again, it is MY hopes and dreams that are being crushed at the end of the day. I look back and cannot fathom how someone who takes so much pride in being rational came to be in this mess!

    I still have the choice of ending my relationship and saving him from being constantly insulted and looked down upon and myself, from a lot of present and future mental anguish. The only thing that keeps me from walking away is that I know he will suffer a lot if I leave. He just takes all the abuse I keep heaping on him and continues to love me. My head keeps telling me that this is as much love as anyone can receive from another human being. I am his world and he is so happy when he’s with me. He repents and regrets the moment of weakness that lead him to sin and his inability to make me happy and I feel like I will be the one who is sinning by walking away from so much love; so help me God!

  148. Hannah says:

    I am in a very similar situation. I am a virgin and want to save myself for my future husband, who I believe I’ve found. He is perfect in every way including is willingness to wait until I am ready. The thing I can’t get over is that he has been with other girls in the past. He says he was safe an always wore a condom but it still bothers me that our sexual relationship won’t just be a special thing shared between us.
    I am trying not to make him feel bad about his past but it’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to picture some gorgeous girl in my place. I know that we didn’t know each other then so I shouldn’t hold his past against him but I am so incredibly upset that we don’t seem to have the same values around sexual relationships. Any advise is greatly appreciated.

    – Hannah

  149. HighOnFantasy says:

    As a single 21-year-old guy waiting for a fantastic virgin bride, reading all these women commenting,”I waited but my future life partner did not but it’s okay because these are my independent issues I need to find strength to resolve,” (or along those lines) makes me want to be promiscuous in spite. I mean, if all of you can overlook a promiscuous husband like Jennifer’s, I guess the chances are that the virgin bride I find can get over it too. Obviously, to become such a pathetic person is out of the question but, I just find it frustrating that this comment section is proof that premarital sex is not actually a hindrance in the long run as long as the (cunning) promiscuous you make your (naïve) virgin partner feel secure. Not to mention how disempowering one feels since honestly the past is undoubtedly the past and the only choice one has is to get over it for their own health.

    Like taking a horrible medication for the rest of your life because it’s either that or your body deteriorates. (No offense to ill people literally living such a life and wish you the best quality of life.)

    This article is wonderful, Jennifer, and reaching out to someone who was only a teen when you wrote it. What I wrote above is more venting than anything. It’s just that, no matter how optimistic, practical, and rational the advices I find are, it seems no change is going to come in me until the spark of change comes from within myself with the help of Divine mediation.

  150. Schular says:

    You have saved my relationship. I was on your husbands side of the problem and I couldn’t get find the words to help my man in his time of questioning and frustration. I showed him this and he completely changed. He now reads it every morning to remember and in hopes to forgive and move on one day. Thank you so much. You gave me my world back.

  151. Desperate wife says:

    Hi Jennifer thanks a lot for your great article. It really gave me some hope. I have been married to my husband for about 8 months and we are experiencing the same situation as you had. My husband has retroactive jealousy. Please tell me how I should react when he is upset? I want to help him as I love him so much.Thanks in advance.

  152. Manish chhikara says:

    I am going through the same phase right now. The only difference being its my wife in place of your husband amd me in your shoes. I can not work eat talk, only lie down in bed and think over and over again about her sexual past. Read many of the articles and yours was most helpful.But the images are not going out of my mind. I have not troubled my wife about this and was a bit upset in front of her. How long will it take to overcome this? What should i ask my wife so that she would not feel offended and i also get the images out of my head?

  153. cheesy says:

    I like that retroactive jealousy. There is nothing anyone can do or say to change the fact. The fact is that this is like a cancer and will keep eating away until it completely destroys the person either physically or psychologicaly. Some may feel there is a way to act when one is upset or how to respond. Truth is there is no way to change the facts. The best thing these non waiters could have done was to avoid talking about the subject. If that is not possible then its too late. To desperate wife. My wife is in the same boat as you. On one hand she is wonderful. On the other hand I cannot describe how much I despise what she did in her past with a few other guys. It is a love hate thing. I love my wife but I hate what she has done in the past. This is absolutely driving me nuts as it probably is driving your husband nuts. Please contact (email) me at I too am having extreme difficulty in resolving this in my head. I feel like my life is devolving into hell.

  154. cheesy says:

    I will never have any relief or peace in my life. I feel like I am drowning. I am slowly drifting down deeper and deeper into the ocean looking up. I feel paralyzed. Not sure if anything can be done. She has no idea how much I have regressed psychologically. Someone please help.

  155. Antimon says:

    This will be a bit long one, but I promise it will be interesting!

    Ok, here is my story:

    I am 37 years old male, and virgin. I have never had a sexual intercourse with woman, and obviously it will stay that way, especially now that I am completely introduced to this whole another planet of retroactive jelaousy issue.

    Btw, i am pretty good looking, a sportsman, and well-educated. Also, spirituality and contact with God is No.1. thing in my life.

    I always thought that the feelings of loneliness, which I have been feeling since my 27th year and break-up with my first real girlfriend, were one of the worst ones in the world. Well, today I think I was wrong. There is one feeling ever worse than that one – it is retroactive jelaousy.

    I had 2 girfriends for very short periods during my early twenties, but none of them suited me at all. As soon as I realised that they are not what I am looking for – a traditional and conservative woman – I separated.

    By the way, if I wanted, I could had immediately slept with them, because they were into it. I wasn’t, because of my deep religious beliefs of pre-marital purity and saving that gift for the right one. We were just kissing and hugging, and it always remained like that.

    However, at that time little did I know about retroactive jelaousy and all this virginity stuff, I didn’t bother to research further. I just knew that I didn’t want to have sex with them without strong commitment and blessings from God. And I also remember that it annoyed me when they were mentioning their ex-boyfriends, however I didn’t think about it any further.

    When I turned 27, I met a girl four years older than me in my religious community, that I really fell in love with. I knew she was married before me and have had unsucessful 5-years long marriage, but still I somehow fell in love with her. Our relationship lasted for about 5 months.

    I cried so many tears while I was connected to her. She suited me intelectually, musicaly and artisticaly (she was a painter and also a musician), and also spiritualy, since we had many common beliefs and were a part of the same spiritual community.

    I was very insecure when I was with her, partly because I was at that time pretty insecure person generally, and partly because she was already an experienced woman who already “had her time”. She was also very independent – good income and also a few male friends from our community (not fck-buddies) – and I didn’t like it. At all.

    But what really struck me is when I accidentaly heard a conversation of two other members of this community, saying that she had a spontaneus abortion while being pregnant with her ex-husband. That broke me into pieces, I literaly couldn’t see her any more as my girlfriend. I saw her somehow “impure” for me, as sick as it sounds. I had a lucid dreams every night, sometimes being in love with her, sometimes having a meeting with her ex who explained to me how good she was in the bed, and how she will always remember him as his first. The dreams were terrible. I cried every day, because I loved her. One day I was particularly feeling bad, I remember going to one church and praying there for 2 hours Hail Mary, along with a few very old ladies around me. Only that managed to help me that day.

    It’s very strange situation – you love someone, and know he/she is a good and quality person, but just CAN’T accept that one characteristic of him or her. That’s the saddest part of retroactive jelaousy.

    This happened exactly ten years ago, at the end of 2007. I still didn’t break with her.
    I thought maybe there IS some way. But then, soon after, she disclosed to me that after that marriage she also had a BOYFRIEND for 3 years! That relationship also failed, however they lived for some time together at his place. I didn’t ask, but, of course, they weren’t sleeping in separate rooms waiting for marriage! I was again terrified and disgusted when I read that e-mail. A few weeks later, we were finished. We officialy finished it because of some “other reasons”, but underneath – and I can clearly see it now – was my retroactive jelaousy. She said she loved me, and saw in me what she has been waiting for her whole life, and wanted to go for marriage. But I couldn’t accept it. Just coudln’t. Maybe I was too weak at that time, I dont know… and maybe I missed a really good chance.

    But the thoughts of her being intimate with her husband first (who was a womanizer prior to meeting her by the way!), then her second boyfriend for 3 years, and then only with me as HER THIRD ONE (!)…… I just felt completely disgusted.

    We broke, and I have suffered from loneliness ever since.

    Loneliness is a slow and nagging pain, while retroactive jelaousy is turbulent like hurricane, but it comes and goes – you couldn’t feel it all the time otherwise you would have a mental breakdown.

    I don’t know exactly which one is worse… what do you think? Is it better to cope with retroactive jelaousy your whole life or with loneliness your whole life? A tough question.

    Loneliness is like being permanently grievous and maybe feeling unsuccesful in life, while retroactive jelaousy has many more facets: feeling emasculated (for men), less worthy, a “second choice”, betrayed, envious, etc. etc.

    Reading all these articles on this site and some others – I was surprised how much we all feel pretty much the same. I was also surprised that women feel it as much as men do.

    I always thought that women feel it less intense , because they are more caring, loving, forgiving, giving etc… but it seems on this field it’s not the case.

    I still however believe that it hurts men’s ego much more than women’s.
    We are territorial and more into that “pride” and “conquer” stuff, and like to idolise women. Either idolise them sexually, or degrade them, like in porn. No middle layer. These are huge archetypes (as Carl Jung said), hundreds or thousands of years old, embedded in humanity’s colective consciousness.

    Knowing that your beloved woman once belonged to someone else, and moaned under his body while being fully absorbed in their lovemaking and receiving his manhood, is a terribly disturbing thought.

    I just can’t understand, even today, how people get after this and can still have a happy marriages… even after 2nd or 3rd divorce! I have seen such couples. How can they do it?!?!?! Maybe its a matter of non-waiter plus non-waiter, and they both switch off this thinking and leave it in the past?! Because this what I have is awful.

    During this 2017 year, I met a woman from another country online. She comes from a very conservative country from middle-east. That itself attracted me a lot!
    We chatted and chatted, and exchanged many pics and posts and feelings, and fell in love with each other.

    At the very start, she told me she was married for a couple of years, had a very abusive husband (a strict muslim country), and eventually fled from her country, now living in a more liberal one. At this point in my life, I already knew what is retroactive jelaousy and that it will take me soon. So then I told her about it, she was pretty surprised (because of mine and her high age – her being 39, 2 years older than me), but she decided to continue and not go away.

    I told her that I don’t know can I solve it in the future, but would like to keep contact with her. She was kind and accepting, and that alone attracted me a lot. Despite my retroactive jelaousy, I really thought of her as beautiful and intelligent woman, who attracts me very much. Also, she wasn’t a cheap one – she was a virgin until her marriage (his family also took her to doctor to take a virginity certificate!), untouched by any man before, and did everything according to rules of her very strict country and family. Unfortunately, it didn’t work eventhough she did all she could to make that man happy, but he was so destructive that she eventually fled and ran from her country.
    I saw some dignity in it… some pride… and innocence, although she wasn’t innocent anymore in sexual sense.

    I never met her live, but fell in love further with her. We chatted each day for a couple of hours for two months.

    But then….. BOOM again!!! As we got closer to each other, she couldn’t take it any longer and confessed to me that after she ran from her country, during her most difficult period in the new country, when she was feeling alone, unprotected and broken, she met a guy and they were intimate. They met online, but had just 3 meetings in person, during which they had sex also! Soon after, she left him because he confessed to her that he also has a wife!!

    When she wrote that to me during chat… it was the end of this June…. i felt again like hydrogen bomb exploded right in my brain. I couldnt literally move, and was staring at one point at the roof for couple of hours. Stoned.

    She wrote many crying smilies and all this and that, but for me… it was all over.
    My world had just collapsed again, and this image of very traditional and pious woman who just had a bad luck with her first husband, was broken and shattered into pieces.

    I am better now, 3 months later. Much better. I would say… almost to the state pre-knowing her. However, loneliness kicked in again. But its much easier to bear with loneliness than these beforementioned feelings. Which were plain AWFUL.

    At the end, I would like to conclude with the firm fact that its over for me.

    There is no chance I will find a virgin woman at this age, and also I wont approach women anymore, because it’s very uncomfortable to ask person such question, each time. Its a taboo theme today, no one speaks about it, and no one will consider you a sane person for asking  it.

    People like me and you on this site are in microscopic minority.

    If someone finds his mate, and they both don’t have any past – I consider it a billion-dollar gain, and much much more. Such persons are truly the lucky ones in this world.

    If someone would like to exchange his/her experiences and conclusions with me, you can contact me at:

    Good luck to all fellow sufferers!

  156. spiderman says:

    hi Jennifer I wanna talk with you…bez I’m also facing same problem….please replay me soon

  157. evelyn says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve been struggling with similiar anxieties and insecurities due to a very similar situation. Thanks for sharing your happily ever after. It was what I needed to hear today.

  158. The Silent says:

    I dont know if anyone is still reading this thread. I want to thank the writer for this article. I’ve been married 8 months now. I entered into my marriage as a virgin to my best friend. When we started dating, after one month, she told me she’d lost her virginity to a boyfriend at 16. I dealt with the issue lovingly and sensitively. However, I HAD NO IDEA how hurt and insecure I’d feel about this issue later on in life. Dont get me wrong, I knew it’d hurt and I do everything I can to show love to my wife and not show that I’m feeling these things, but deep down, its eats me away. I realized recently that I’d made a lot of changes as a man before I started dating her. I felt more secure about things. However, my marriage has made it painfully clear that I have a lot to work on. She is truly a wonderful person and she has repented of all of that. I feel bad because her past isnt as bad as many on this site, but sex is sex and I cant help how I feel. She had sex with some man I’ll never meet and he had my wife before her. Its not the knowledge that kills, its the emotions tied with it. It truly sucks. I feel terribly judgmental and all that, but it makes it painfully clear to me why God intended for us to be virgins until marriage. Its like, I did what was right in my life only to be the bad guy for being judgmental. Cant win out here. I read through these comments and I’m completely disheartned that even after kids and everything, men and women are dying inside due to their wife’s past. I loved my wife, that’s why I married her. Now, I feel like “what have I done” in the sense of, “why have I invited so much pain in my life when I knew how this was going to be difficult. I wonder if I moved forward because I thought it was the right thing to do or if I really wanted to. Honestly the day she told me, we grew closer but after I was alone, I was super confused. Why did I like so many other men foolishly assume that she was a virgin? What the heck was I thinking? She was raised as a Christian like me, so I figured, what could she have been doing having sex before marriage? “Making a mistake, that’s what!” But still… I just hoped and believed that she was like me. And boy, was she not like me. She changed, repented, left that behind, but still, its in front of me day in and day out. When I wake up, its there. Even after we’re together, its there, but I dont show it. I wont lie, it affects the way I view her and that’s terrible I know, I know this… I want to change, but I have no idea how. No one knows how much I demonstrate love to her and actually love living my life with her, but when the pain surfaces, it hurts so badly inside. Look at the way Jesus loved his sinful disciples even after they make mistakes constantly. As husbands, we should imitate that love with our wives. We make mistakes, they make mistakes, past or present and future. Even with that scriptural knowledge, it doesnt make me feel any better. Then I doubt myself and wonder, well… how spiritual am I if I cant do this? How sad something like past premarital sex affects everyone involved. Yes it is a sin against God foremost and I’m mere dust. Still… it hurts. I have to bear this. I have to pick this up and carry it everyday and I’m 8 months in and I’m exhausted. I have no idea how I’m going to continue. Why couldnt she have waited? She knew what the bible said. She knew the consequences… Doesnt matter what I ask myself… its just a sucky situation. I didnt have to marry her. I did. I thought I had what it took, maybe I do, maybe deep down I hoped I did. Either way, I’ve learned that love is not about feelings only but actions. I will love my wife. That’s what I vowed before God and man to do and I will! But dang does this crap hurt. Knowing I’ll never be my wife’s first which is what every man wants and desires and is programmed for… that just hurts and I had no idea that this would be my life.

  159. The Silent says:

    I read the article again and again. Im seeing something I didnt see before. When you mentioned that your fiance was about to sacrifice his happiness for your happiness. I feel my wife would’ve done the same thing had I chose to keep bringing it up. For the most part, I’ve kept the feelings to myself. But had I continued to harp on her about it, I’m sure that while dating she would’ve felt so guilty and hurt that she’d have to let me go so that I could be happy. How dumb would I feel seeing her in the arms of another happy and truly secure man? I’ve focused so much time on the pain of what I didnt get, but really, what do I deserve. I know my wife is a blessing. My sin is that I do not always see it that way and I pray to God for forgiveness of my thoughts and feelings and work to change them because at the end of the day, my thoughts and feelings are my responsibility. I’ve been praying that my marriage can be a source to help me make needed changes to be a better person and in many ways it has already. I have SO MUCH work to do. Thank you for your article and your experience. I know all my feelings wont just go away. I’ve battled this thus far and it comes and goes… but I hope one day I’ll get to where you are. I know its possible.

  160. Hunonymus says:

    @The Silent

    Sorry and I feel your pain brother. ‘Light Post’ above was in the same situation like you and when I read his posts, I gave up! Haha lol

    I am still single and virgin, and I am afraid I might end up being single for the rest of my life! Because I rather be single, than be in that emotional purgatory like how you and LightPost are going through.. I would like to avoid that.

    Also note that Marriage is not a pre-requisite to salvation. And believers were exhorted to continue to be single unless on burned in passion.

    Continue to pray brother and I hope you will get out of that purgatory!

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