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I am waiting till marriage, but my boyfriend/girlfriend has had sex before. Any tips?

November 12th, 2009 by

Feeling entitled to another virgin will make it harder on you

Get it? Many waiting-till-marriage people have the ideal fantasy in mind: they want their future husband/wife to be a virgin too, so it can be 100% as special as they always imagined. You don’t just want to give your future husband/wife that extra-special gift…you want to take that gift from them too, so that you will forever own each other in the same way.

The more emphasis you place on that ideal fantasy, the harder it is going to be for you to be in a relationship with somebody who is not waiting till marriage (who has had sex before).

If you are waiting for the sake of the fantasy, you’ll know it, because you’ll have this feeling when you consider marrying somebody who’s had sex before: “What was the point of me waiting if I’m going to marry this guy/gal who’s had sex before?” If you have that thought — if thinking of marrying your current non-waiting partner makes you feel like waiting till marriage was pointless (or that you wish you hadn’t waited so at least then you could be on the same level as them) — then you are guilty of not waiting for your own sake. I’m not saying this is a bad or unnatural thing…most people feel this way to a certain degree…what matters is how intensely you feel this way.

Learn to stay committed to your decision for your own sake

Waiting for your own sake means that you don’t factor anybody else into you decision to wait until marriage. It means that you objectively think that waiting till marriage is the right thing to do for you. It means that you want to give your future husband/wife that gift (even if they can’t give you the same gift), and you want the first and only person you have sex with to be somebody you love dearly and who loves you back with equal intensity (even if they can’t make the same physical commitment). It means you can see their heart as enough of a prize to trade them your heart and your body…the trade doesn’t feel uneven. Or, put simply, waiting for your own sake means “it’s not about them, it’s about me”.

The more you can talk yourself into this mentality, the easier it is going to be for you to have a healthy, happy relationship with somebody who has had sex before.

If you simply can’t get over the cosmic frustration at the idea of marrying somebody who didn’t also wait until marriage, then you have two options: 1. Find another way to get over it or 2. Break up with them and find somebody who is waiting too. Because that frustration is going to wreak all kinds of havok on your relationship and lead to fights that you really didn’t need to have; it’s going to block you from enjoying the relationship as much as you could if you didn’t have these hang-ups. For most of your relationships, it’s going to end anyway, not turn out to be “the one”, and then you’re going to feel pretty wasteful that you spent all that time stressing over “what if I marry him even though he’s had sex before?”. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

Do you share the same values besides the sex factor?

FSM = Flying Spaghetti Monster, the atheists' famous anti-god There is a difference between having hang-ups about the waiting-for-sex factor and having a completely different value structure from your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Ask yourself: Is it just the had-sex-before factor that bothers you? Or is the problem that the other person doesn’t share any of your other values either?

If you’re a deeply-faithful Christian and he’s a militant atheist, you may have bigger problems than just the fact that he’s had sex before. Take a serious look at the relationship and really consider whether it can work long-term. On the other hand, if all his/her values line up with yours except that he/she has had sex before, then you need to work on being able to look past the had-sex-before sex factor.

You may think “well, waiting till marriage is a big part of my values, so if he/she doesn’t share that then he doesn’t have the same values as me”. But that’s not always accurate. A dear friend of mine once summarized it perfectly for me: You want somebody whose attitude towards sex is un-cheapened, and un-jaded. That is what is important — them being able to take sex as seriously as you do or close to it. Give that virtue a chance to have weight with you even if the technical factor is missing (i.e, their virginity).

Other problems you may encounter in a relationship with somebody who’s had sex before

Author: Mike

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org. Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become an organizational psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

93 Responses to “I am waiting till marriage, but my boyfriend/girlfriend has had sex before. Any tips?”

  1. anvesha says:

    i had sex with my bf after sometime had breakup …..i had lost my virginity …what can i do….pls suggest me as soon as possible..

  2. Mike says:

    @anvesha
    1. Forgive yourself
    2. Decide what you want to do in future relationships
    3. Move on.

  3. Emily says:

    I have made the decision to save myself for marriage. I have never been more confident and yet insecure about a decision in my entire life. I am blessed to have a loving and respectful boyfriend. But I haven’t told him yet, really only because I haven’t mustered up the courage yet and didn’t feel the timing was right. I just want to be honest and upfront with him. I know the reasons in my heart, but I have no idea when & how to bring it up without it becoming incredibly awkward. Any advice how to tell him?

  4. Mike says:

    Hi Emily!

    Yeah, making the decision to wait can be a little scary at first. It should be. No decision that you’re likely to stick to feels purely good. All the big, meaningful decisions in your life will be a little scary. The part of your subconscious that knows that you’re not just making an idle claim — the part that knows that you mean it — is what gives you that scary feeling. So I would look at that insecurity as a good sign!

    Also, if you just had the confidence and not the insecurity, you would be one of those people who goes around preaching to people about it…who then gives up two years later and goes crazy. The insecurity proves your authenticity. It means that this is a very personal decision to you, and that’s a good thing.

    Anyhow, I’m just saying: that’s great, congratulations, and welcome to the club!

    As for telling your boyfriend:: Your goal is for him NOT to hear your decision as “Don’t ever touch me again because I’m saving myself for other guys.”

    Your decision is made. Your path is set. You’re potected. You have nothing at risk here except your relationship with him. It is now your mission in life to comfort him and make him feel OK about this. There are a thousand little things you can do to help this. Here are a few….

    1. Start by phrasing it as “I want us to wait until marriage.” instead of “I’m going to wait until marriage”.

    2. Do not go to a “breakup location” to tell him. Don’t go to a restaurant and tell him not to touch you across a wide table where he already feels separate from you. Ideally, you want to be holding him or touching him in some way affectionately when you tell him.

    3. Be very clear about where you want to draw the line, physically. But here’s the trick: Imply (and mean) that you’re going to be stepping up your enthusiasm in that department too.

    If your recent struggling with the decision to wait has made you physically distant or hesitant up until now, you don’t want to say “I’m going to continue being frigid and hesitant AND you are now limited in how far you can go those few times when I DO get physically affectionate with you.”

    You want to say “I’m drawing a line on how far we can go, but we can go right up to that line all the time and I want to! I’m going to be sexually frustrated too because I want you like you want me!”

    I don’t know how to say this except crudely, so I apologize if this is offensive, but basically, if you’re going to allow over-the-pants stuff, then it would help to say something like “I will dry-hump the shit out of you 7 days a week, just as long as our pants stay on.”

    So things like that. Telling him you’re waiting is like taking a step away from him. To compensate for this, you want to take several steps towards him first.

    Lastly, no matter what you do: Don’t get angry if he freaks out. If he’s a good guy and he freaks out, it may just mean he really wants to be with you emotionally. So show him that he can. Give him time to process it.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

  5. Sally says:

    I don’t quite understand your part on “allowing over-the-pants stuff”? Like you say it’s like saying you’ll “dry-hump the shit out of you 7 days a week as long as our pants stay on”. Are you saying if you allowing touching in THAT area over the pants? I would probably consider that as a way to keep it not sex, but still something more than making out…. =P

  6. Mike says:

    Hi Sally,

    Yeah, sorry. Basically, what I meant was: Decide where you’re going to draw the line, physically. Then once you’ve drawn that line, relax and enjoy the things you CAN do to their fullest.

    As for the technical definition of “over-the-pants stuff”, I basically meant making out with…pelvic pressure. But I guess it could also mean other kinds of touching over the pants in *that* area.

    I can’t stress enough here that I’m not advocating any particular physical activity. You have to figure out what feels right to you, but then don’t be afraid to go with it!

  7. Johnny says:

    im saving self for marriage but the girl im with that i love sooo much has had sex before and the jealous and hurt about that knowing how much i love her drives me to madness what can i do please help me :(

  8. Sally says:

    Johnny—Maybe you can start with forgiving her? Although it’s something she did before she even knew you, it’s still having an effect on your relationship with her. Have you talked to her about how it bothers you before? If not, she probably doesn’t know and doesn’ tknow what to do to help.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Hey there, I’m in the same boat as Jonny. I just feel sick about it, she knows how I feel, but nothing she says takes away that awful feelin, it hurts so much

  10. Daisy says:

    Hi, I need help Mike…or anyone else.
    I was with my boyfriend for almost two years first, we never had sex, I never really felt ready and him asking me constantly..made it worst. Eventually we broke up but we kept in contact after the break up, he would always say that he still loved me and I saw a change in him because at first he wouldn’t sound so serious and he even said that he wasn’t going to get married. After over a year of being broken up, he would still tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me FOREVER and he wanted to marry me because now he had realize what he had lost and that I am special to him and wants me forever. We got back together 4 months ago..I was soo happy to be back with him and he was too, he would mention buying a ring and asking my dad for my hand in marriage. All along I knew I wanted to get back with him, and I felt so happy. HOWEVER…about 2 months ago I made the decision on waiting until marriage to have sex, I would picture myself having sex with his person because I’ve known him for 4 years and he means everything to me so of course I could only picture myself being with him sexually as well, I wanted him to be my first.
    Last month I finally told him about my decision on waiting and he didn’t take it so well…that day he left earlier than usual which made me sad. He said he really loves me and wants to be with me FOREVER and wants to marry me but he can’t wait any longer. I felt like I had lost him, and I did. 2 days ago we broke up…again!
    I feel sooooo horrible :( I feel like I lost someone that I truly love and that is special to me, I can’t picture myself with anyone else. Still the day we broke up he said that he really wants to marry me but he just can’t wait so we both love each other so much.

    Now, I don’t know what to do. I lost someone because of waiting, I want to be with him and he wants to be with me too but he doesn’t want to wait. I don’t know if I should ignore this decision just to be with him although I feel that’s not right. I feel like I will never find someone to love me for ME and who is willing to wait. Besides, I’m in love with my ex and only want to be with him but this decision of mine is getting in the way, I don’t know what do to..:( (I’m 22 by the way)

  11. Mike says:

    @Daisy – That’s a tough situation, and I’m sorry you have to go through it. But some of his behavior seems strange to me.

    Couple questions for you…

    Why can’t he wait any longer? Why the giant rush to have sex? He would rather be with some other random girl who he can have sex with instead of the girl he wants to marry? What I mean is, some other girl might be able to top you physically right now, but shouldn’t be able to top you emotionally…if he does love you. The thing about love is: Having you should be more important than having some other girl, even if he can have the other girl now and has to wait on you.

    Do you do other stuff? How old his he?

    I know it feels like you lost this guy because of waiting…I have seen that happen, but what you’re describing doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like he’s got some other pressure that’s causing this urgency. Find out what that is.

    Also, in my very limited opinion I think the strength of a marriage can sometimes be predicted by the strength of the friendship you have with your spouse going into it. Think about your best friend of the same sex. Is it hard to hang out with her all the time without sex? Of course not. It never even crosses your mind, because you value your closeness with her and your commonalities and who she is as a person. In theory, if you had that same kind of best-friend-love for your significant other, the sex factor would be just icing on the cake. My concern is that maybe when he looks at you he only focuses on the icing. Maybe there’s a better relationship out there for you.

    Or maybe he’s just a stubborn asshole. In which case it’s just going to take time, and maybe (after time) a little physical compromise on your part (you don’t have to have sex…but…you can do other things to keep him relatively contented).

  12. Mike says:

    @Daisy – That’s a tough situation, and I’m sorry you have to go through it. But some of his behavior seems strange to me.

    Couple questions for you…

    Why can’t he wait any longer? Why the giant rush to have sex? He would rather be with some other random girl who he can have sex with instead of the girl he wants to marry? What I mean is, some other girl might be able to top you physically right now, but shouldn’t be able to top you emotionally…if he does love you. The thing about love is: Having you should be more important than having some other girl, even if he can have the other girl now and has to wait on you.

    Do you do other stuff? How old his he?

    I know it feels like you lost this guy because of waiting…I have seen that happen, but what you’re describing doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like he’s got some other pressure that’s causing this urgency. Find out what that is.

    Also, in my very limited opinion I think the strength of a marriage can sometimes be predicted by the strength of the friendship you have with your spouse going into it. Think about your best friend of the same sex. Is it hard to hang out with her all the time without sex? Of course not. It never even crosses your mind, because you value your closeness with her and your commonalities and who she is as a person. In theory, if you had that same kind of best-friend-love for your significant other, the sex factor would be just icing on the cake. My concern is that maybe when he looks at you he only focuses on the icing. Maybe there’s a better relationship out there for you.

    Or maybe he’s just a stubborn asshole. In which case it’s just going to take time.

  13. Daisy says:

    @Mike: He said that he can’t wait any longer because we’ve known each other for 4 years, and he said that also because he really loves me AND since I told him to wait with me until I am ready to get married (2-4 years, I want to have my career first) he said that he DOES NOT want to marry old, and I quote “I don’t want to marry at 28″ wtf, that’s not a bad age for marriage:/

    And exactly what you asked me, I asked him. I asked him if he rather have sex with a random girl he barely knows and he doesn’t really know if he really likes her or the other way around…if SHE doesn’t really like him, instead on waiting on me, so it can be special and he really didn’t give me an answer, he just said “its not going to be a random girl” and “I’ve waited too long, I’ve never had to wait this long before”

    On the doing stuff, if you mean like “to pleasure” each other physically in some way…we didn’t this time. We were barely starting again but we did kiss, I would let him touch my butt and stuff, I mean we’ve known each other for a long time I feel comfortable with him touching me. But the first time when we were together for nearly 2 years, YES! We did A LOT of “stuff” like uumm..taking off clothes…NOT COMPLETELY THOUGH, and we would have fun, I would ask him if he was ok with just that and he would say yes.
    He will be 25 in 3 months

    I think it was hard for him because he kinda WAS like a playboy, he told me he has had sex with girls without being in a relationship and with his girlfriends he basically had it easy, unfortunately his choices in girlfriends weren’t really the best, I talked to his family and they’ve all said the same thing, that all of his girlfriends were umm..sluts! So I’m like the only one that’s “right” for him and I think he matured a little with me because I am not the easiest person on earth, so I do think he has change but unfortunately he still wants sex before anything (marriage).
    That day we broke up I was telling him how much I love him and he said that he loves me too, and I told him to throw away all those pictures of me and us and he said NO, I told him I was going to miss him cuz we we’re not gonna see each other anymore and he said “we can still see each other if you’d like but I’m not going to your house anymore” So I don’t know if he feels like there’s a possibility of us trying again, I don’t know I’m just so confused and sad, depressed, all I want is him. I don’t understand if he really loved me, why did he leave me :(

  14. Connor says:

    Gosh Daisy, I’m really sorry that’s a really sad situation.

    Keep your head up. I know it’s tough sometimes and it always seems like there’s no one out there who’s perfect but there is. I’m proud of you to sticking to your ideals and what YOU want to do. A lot of women give in when their men pressure them for sex, and it’s nice to see a woman stick up for herself.

    Coming off of a long term relationship like myself it can be hard to move on. Really hard. But if you go see what’s out there, start talking to other men, it could open up a lot of doors for you. He may get jealous or motivated to get back with you. And he may take a change for the better and sacrifice his desire to have sex for your desire to wait. Or… you may find someone else who you like more than him who wants to wait.

    Obviously you loved Mike. Telling your story you seemed so happy describing him except when it involved sex. However, you seem stubborn about your decision to wait. Which is good. It’s good for you to know exactly what you want. Just imagine finding someone who has waited just as you had!

    Anyway, I know it’s tough to swallow, but moving on will open a ton of doors and maybe even make him come back to you! What do you think!?

  15. Connor says:

    Now I’ve got my own little situation. Here it goes.

    Me and my ex girlfriend got together my senior year of high school. We dated even through long distance for greater than two years before I broke up with her (mainly because the distance was hard and I wanted to test the waters of other women). Unfortunately, it was a bad decision as she moved on to her boyfriend she is currently dating. Now, her and I had sex, but did so after waiting a year and a half, and did so very infrequently. It was both of our first times and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

    However, sex is very VERY important to me. I feel as if it is the most personal and intimate gift you can give a person, and despite us breaking up, I was still glad I was able to give it to a person whom I loved and cared about so deeply.

    Fast forwarding to the present, I now realize how much I still love and want to be with Olivia. However, she and her boyfriend had sex multiple times while they were dating (much more than we ever did) in a one month span and did so for the first time with each other the first night they were together. When I found this out I was heartbroken. While she was okay waiting with ME for a year and a half she was always wanting me to give it up to her sooner, and after finding out what all she had done with her boyfriend of only a month it was evident that she wanted to just have fun in college.

    Clearly Olivia’s and mine views on sex are very different. I feel as if it is something to be cherished and embraced only after falling in love with someone (In fact if it was any other girl I would probably waited until marriage). Olivia on the other hand doesn’t value it as much as she simply had sex with her boyfriend because she “cared about him” (although I’m convinced she’s going through the ‘college girl that wants to have fun phase’).

    You see, after this short break up we had I now realize that I am completely in love with Olivia and she is completely in love with me. She is going to break things off with her boyfriend tonight to be with me and we’re going to try to make it work again. We have an amazing chemistry, she is kind, sweet, loving, caring, and affectionate. However, having opposing views on sex kills me and gives me a bad gut feeling, and being a man (visual creatures), and picturing her giving her boyfriend (if you can even call him that) her greatest gift makes me sick to my stomach. Olivia always said she would wait as long as I wanted, and I feel little pressure from her to have sex, I’m wondering if our differences in sex will be enough to separate us in the long haul and have my heart broken again. I always think how wonderful it would be to find a girl who finds sex as meaningful as I do, but I have so much with Olivia already that I’m nervous to lose what I do have.

    Most of me wants to be with her, ignore our differences in our views in sex, and value what we do have and try to make this work. But a small (tiny) part of me wants to let her go live her life, and not mold her into what I want her to be. Thinking of a woman who shares the same views as me about sex really does give me a great feeling inside, but I don’t want to lose what I have with Olivia. It’s just so hard for me to get over her having sex with someone else. Any advice? You think that will just go away in time?

  16. Cari says:

    Hey,
    My boyfriend has had sex but he wants to wait with me because our intention is to have a serious long term relationship hopefully ending in marriage. I am a girl who even though sometimes it is so hard to hold back from doing things with the person I love I know that sex is such a special thing that it should be kept for a permanent loving commitment. You can find someone who finds it just as special as you do, and if it isn’t Olivia, you should view it as you can find someone who can be what you love in Olivia but a greater fit for you because she would share your value and feelings on sex. Hope this doesn’t sound retarded but don’t give up. It can happen if you decide to make it.

  17. Lamont says:

    I am in a relationship with a female who used to be very promiscuous. We have gotten together and now she wants to wait till marriage, but I am having problems with that. Supposedly she has not had sex in 2 years, and thats cool. But she loves to walk around naked all the time, and we have oral sex, but intercourse is not in the plan according to her until marriage. I guess my question is why does she want to make me wait for marriage, but all them other dudes got it, treated her like shit and ran.

  18. kris says:

    so i am in a relationship where we are committed to waiting. not a problem at all, our boundaries are set, but he struggles a great bit wiht the fact that i have had sex before. i have shown him my heart as to why i want to wait, and he wants to wait as well, but he just cant get over my past, why? ideas to help him?

  19. Ash says:

    I am waiting until I am married to have sex. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex. My boyfriend wants to have sex, that much is obvious.He has had sex before. Yet he has known from the beginning I am waiting until marriage. Last night we were trying to figure out what to do about the growing sexual tension and frustration and we can’t come up with an answer. He says he is going to try. What do I do?

  20. Dave says:

    Kris,

    I’ve been in the same shoes as your boyfriend at least once or twice. I can’t even begin to describe the haunting mental torment that comes when a guy has saved himself, and then falls for a girl who hasn’t. (I’ve made the mistake of letting this torment spill over into conversation and hurt at least one girl.)

    I can only tell you the things *I* would want to hear that would help make it a little better for me. Let me write for you the letter I wish I could have been given.

    “Dear ___,

    Recently I’ve seen how you’re struggling with the fact that I am not a virgin and you are. I see that this hurts you, and although it hurts me too, I hate that I’m the subject of your struggle. I wish I could say the magic words to untie the knot in your gut and give you peace. Better still, I wish I could go back and undo the deeds of the past that haunt your mind today.

    Since I can’t, let me at least say a few things that I hope will ease your mind and comfort you.

    First, the person that I was is not who I am today. I am changed. I may not be able to erase my deeds, but God can erase my sins just as He erases yours. I did not have the same training and guidance as you growing up. If I had, I think things would be different.

    Second, I am so very glad you made the decision to wait for me. I am honored beyond words that you tamed your desires in deference to giving them whole and complete to me. It is this restraint that draws me to you. You had strength where I had weakness, and I admire and respect that strength. You are leading us both along this path now, and I am grateful and content to rest in that strength and make it my own.

    Third, the men of my past mean NOTHING to me now. I choose not to remember them, and I promise you I will never compare you to them. If it’s of any help, there’s not a man alive I would choose to give this gift to now except you…and even then, not until I am wearing your ring.

    We have our own special journey ahead of us, and I promise you with all my heart that if we step through the door and into forever together, I will do everything I can to make it worthwhile.

    Please accept both my apologies for the past and my promise for the future, and let them comfort you in the hours when your mind returns to my past.

    Sincerely,
    Kris
    ————————

    I’m pretty sure that will help him out a little.

  21. KS says:

    Mike, your part on ‘feeling entitled’ was just garbage and is set to make more people angry.

    I won’t even start with all the fallacies there.

    I will say, because I’ve waited that yes, I’m entitled to someone else that has as well.

  22. Mike says:

    @KS – I wrote this article for waiters who are currently in a relationship with non-waiters and looking for some tips on calming their emotions so they can enjoy the relationship for what it is (having decided to stay in it for their own reasons). I have been in that exact position myself several times, and these are the things I wish I could go back and tell my younger self while I was in those relationships.

    So this article doesn’t really apply to you, since you are dead-set on another waiter and would not date a non-waiter.

    That said, why all the hate from you over the last few days? If I understand correctly, you are waiting till marriage, you are dead-set on marrying somebody who has also waited (which I understand as a fellow waiter), and you’ve just found a website that is dedicated to giving waiters like you a big digital hug and introducing you to lots of other waiters to show you that you aren’t alone…and maybe one day give you the chance to marry another waiter, just like you want.

    Most people react to finding this site with relief and happiness at finally finding some other waiters and at having their hopes, fears, and secret struggles validated.

    But for some reason you just keep spewing venom everywhere, which I don’t really understand. You keep posting angry messages as if I’m your enemy, but I’M ON YOUR SIDE…so I’m confused by your attacks. Why, KS? WHY?

  23. S says:

    Thank you so much for this website! This situation is exactly what I’m dealing with and I’m so happy to know I’m not alone. My boyfriend has had sex in the past but I’m choosing to wait. At first I had some issues because I couldn’t stop thinking about his past, but I prayed and prayed for relief. I’ve forgiven him now and learned not to dwell of his past girlfriends, because he’s not with them now, he’s with me :) He’s told me that my decision makes him also want to wait till marriage. This makes me know that he respects and loves me far more than he ever did the girls in his past.

  24. S says:

    If this helps at all, everyone is a sinner. Having sex before marriage is a sin just like lying is a sin. What makes you think that you should hold his past sins against him or worry about them when you’ve also sinned in the past. That’s how I dealt with it. I’m no better than him to be upset with his past, because we all make mistakes.

  25. Colin says:

    Ive decided to wait to have sex, maybe not until marriage but I want it to be with somebody special the first time. The girl I currently am dating has had sex before and it has bothered me so much that I’ve become very depressed. Im not sure why it bothers me so much and I just want the pain to stop, any advice?

  26. Mike says:

    @Colin – You should check out this article to: The 7 Emotions You Feel When You Discover Their Sexual Past.

    Also, what qualities will that “really special” person have that your current girl doesn’t?

  27. J says:

    Hi Mike I am really happy that I found this website finally. I always really felt like I was the only one who was waiting until marriage thesedays… that there aren’t anymore virgin guys out there patient to wait until marriage, that guys would just assume there’s no virgin girls out there they would then assume to have sex when they are in a relationship. I am so relieved there are people out there who are trying hard to keep pure. Thank you so much for such a great site.

    I am 21 and I have kept my virginity till now. I have had boyfriends in the past that left me and hurt me because I said I woudnt have sex with them. Now I am dating for three months my current boyfriend whom I have known as just friends for 1 year now. I think he’s a great guy, not sure if he has had sex before or is willing to wait (he’s not religious). He is very reserved and cautious around me, he shows respect for me when he behaves. Nowadays our sexual intimacy became a bit intensified to the level of touching certain parts of my body. I want sex so bad but I know in my head I am not going to let that happen unless Im certain Im gonna marry that person.

    My problem is I just really want greater intimacy but I dont know what’s appropriate to draw a line, because I think of this as “not to sexually arouse my boyfriend too much that he would request for sex” if I started doing more things? I think if he wants sex (obviously) it would be cruel for me to try new sexual things and not letting him to have sex. What do you think I should do? I think I would feel comfortable with anything as long as my clothes are on, but I dont want to “turn him on too much” to encourage his desire to sex.

    Help Mike Thanks again!

  28. Rose says:

    Hello to all,

    I am so happy I found this site! You all have already helpes me in more ways than one! I am 27 and still a virgin but I have not decided whether or not I will wait until marraige but I’m leaning heavily towards yes.
    I can relate to what Emily stated above and the advice Mike gave about drawing the line on how far to go was very helpful.

    I always said I was going to wait for love, not marriage because I felt like no one should get married unless they have been in a relationship for atleast five years and they really know each other but I realize now that it doesn’t always talk that long for people to connect spiritually.

    I would often joke and say I’ll be 50 when I get married but the truth is that right now, I would love to be married and in love with a special God sent person but I’ve dated a lot of guys that made me feel bad about being a virgin. Every Guy I’ve told that I was a virgin told me that it was a good thing but then they acted differently towards me, they treated me like I was their sister or something. Then I starting asking guys hypothetical questions about being with a virgin and they all said they didn’t want to be with a virgin. Why is being a virgin such a bad thing in the eyes of this world? Fortunately, I’m not living for this world, I’m living for God and I know that it good to be a virgin and I know it’s even better to wait for marriage. My ultimate delima is believing I will find a guy that wants to be with a virgin and wait until we are married. I’ve never met a guy that didn’t treat me like I had fungis when it came to the whole virgin thing, what’s going to happen when I tell them I’m waiting for marriage? Obviously, I’ve been dating the wrong guys but where are the right ones?

  29. Mike says:

    Hi Rose!

    I think you’re definitely dating the wrong guys. I know several guys in my personal life who were not waiting themselves who dated and later married girls who were virgins/waiting. None of them had any real complaints, because in their words it wasn’t a big deal in context of how they felt about the girl. One of them was even a semi-promiscuous player-type before settling down with his waiter girlfriend. And then there are all the guy waiters I know personally and through this website. You can meet lots of us on the forums. Guys that can be accepting are very much out there; you may just need to re-calibrate whatever method you’re using to choose dates.

  30. paige says:

    @jonny, I totally know how you feel. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him dearly I am saving myself for marriage, but him, he didn’t wait and he told and it is driving me crazy! It hurts like Hell, and idk What to do about. I’ve tried forgeting about that fact but it always come to my mind. I’ve also tried breaking up with him but he lives.me and i love him to much to forget about him. Sucks big time.

  31. Rose says:

    Thanks Mike!

  32. Anonymous says:

    Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We love each other and and have always been very open with each other. I decided to wait when I was really young, and he didn’t. He is not a virgin. He supports my decision to wait. We both agreed where to draw the line, but it’s really hard to stick too. Especially for him. I don’t know what to do. We love each other and want to go further, but wait at the same time. Help?

  33. Princess says:

    @Rose, I am also 27 yrs old and waiting until marriage… Funny thing is that I’m now dating my high school sweetheart and we’re planning on getting married in 2 months but it was a struggle from the beginning. I’m a virgin but he’s not and it hurts me because when we met in high school we were both virgins. We broke up after our high school graduation because of our difference in religious views about sex and my strict guidelines (because he wanted to have sex then)… Well after us parting ways he obviously went wild, lost his virginity to some random girl, had over 20 partners, meanwhile I waited for “the one.” Even during those 7, 8 years of separation he tried to get back with me on three occasions but I refused him. Last year August 2011 he stepped back into life as a friend and nothing more. Then through the grace of God that friendship progressed into a wonderful relationship in November 2011. He told me everything about his past (sexual) relationships and he has realized all his mistakes. He has also asked me for my forgiveness b’cuz he feels/felt tremendous guilt about his past and he wish he waited. But I can’t get over how he NEVER waited for me. I’m not judging him but he said to me the other day that he believed that I was his soulmate from the beginning but why put ourselves through 7, 8 years of torture when he only had to just put a ring on it back then. Instead he’s been through many horrible relationships (all sexual), one night stands, friends with benefits, many casuals (yep, talking about sex here) and the list goes on. I realize though that this is hurting him as much as it hurts me b’cuz his mind keeps condemning him and I don’t want to be selfish & point fingers when he’s constantly beating up his self about it. So I forgive him b’cuz I too have faults that he even overlooked and yet accepted me. Now let me tell you that’s true LOVE… So I asked myself “why not return the favor?” I’m sooo happy now that I did that b’cuz our relationship is ten times better now, he respects me and he treats like the Queen that I am. Thanks Mike for this wonderful website reading this article was very encouraging :)

  34. ThatGuy says:

    Princess,

    Thank you for that amazing post. Please join the forums and introduce yourself. I think you’re too cool not to join :-)

  35. B says:

    Hi.
    To the ladies reading this, trust me, if a man is worth it, regardless of his sexual history, he will respect your decision. I’m 23 and made the decision to wait until marriage at 15 (took a pledge, got a True Love Waits ring, all that), and ironically the only boyfriend I’ve had who has been 100% respectful of my decision (no pressure, no pushing my boundaries, etc.) is my current boyfriend, who is the only non-virgin I have dated. He also has a son from his previous relationship, and surprisingly, this is the easiest relationship I’ve been in to date. This is the man I want to marry, and I always thought I’d end up marrying a virgin. It’s pretty amazing what can happen when you let love happen rather than trying to force it. We’re both committed to waiting for marriage, and though I know I won’t be his first, I know that he’ll be mine, and that until that day comes, I have someone who loves and respects me enough to wait with me.

  36. WW says:

    I was wondering what happens if the person you marry turns out to have an sexual disease and that you only found out after your special night, are waiters still supposed to suck up to that as well. We waited, they didn’t, we forgive and now in exchange for our virginities we get an std, is that still fair on us waiters?

  37. X says:

    I am waiting for marraige for personal as well as religious reasons. Recently, I came to college and have fallen in love with a girl. Because of many, many factors, I believe she may be “the one.” She has had sex with two of her boyfriends (long term) and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. I understand why she didn’t wait, but its hard sometimes. But, I know that she is way too important to lose over this. I love her with all my heart and she is everything I want. For all the waiters dating non-waiters, I have a word of advice. It may not be easy to accept, but you must realize that if that person is waiting for you (regardless of their past experiences), he/she really cares about you and that is something very hard to find; someone who puts you in front of themselves. So, good luck to everyone out there!

  38. Abbyy says:

    Daisy im in the same position with you! ive decided to wait till marriage,. i told my boyfriend from the one that we met. he said he understand and would wait. we’ve bene going out for 4 months ! && we’ve done pretty much everything BUT penetration! i know its too early but i have a hard time saying no to him. the thing is, is is starting to want sex a bit too much. and im afraid i might not be able to stick to my guns and wait till marriage, this guy is a great guy and he really loves me just as much as i love him if not even more. he said it would be easier to wait if he was a virgin but he isnt and once u do it, & u meet someone that means alot to u. u cant control yourself and would want to have that emotional sid of the relationship with him. i dont want to loose this guy because i lost my relationship with my ex of one yr over this sex issue! i aslo hv that insecurity aspect of WTM, its being extremly hard. im 16 yrs old && im just so consummed with a whole lot. i dont know what to do and how long my boyfriend is willing to wait till he gives up. but one thing i know for sure is, i dont want to lose him BUT most importantly i am more than determined to keep my virginity, i dont know what to do,

  39. Anonymous says:

    He I’m john me and my girlfriend had been together for over years and we decide to get married. During those eights we had sex and everything was fine. But now that we are engaged she decide to cut off sex completely till marriage she made a promise to God to wait and she don’t want to break the promise. That was fine at first I figure I can wait a year but that not the cast now. I been really angry and annoyed with her for her not making love due to her decision of waiting even though we been having sex for years. It been causing a strain on our relationship. I don’t know what to do. I love this woman with all my heart but it seem like sex is all I ever think about. Help please!!!

  40. Heyo says:

    To anonymous

    If she has made a promise not only too herself but to GOD ASWELL you need to respect her decisions, fair enough you have had sex before on different occasions, atleast you got some and she disntwantto wait until marriage from the beginning! If you can’t stop thinking about sex with her, you may need to re evaluate your feeling for her, whether it’s her you love or the sex. Clearly she wants to marriage night to be really special and you should just look forward to that :)

  41. lUNA91 says:

    To Abby

    dear Abby i know how you feel i was there once, like someone mentioned before make sure this decisions you make you are doing it for you and not for him. Now consider a few factors like do you want to be with this person forever? if so then why not wait til marriage if you are considering it. And i don’t mean to sound like an old person but you are sixteen and you are not going to know for sure if you will stay with this guy forever. You are young and the only thing i tell you is that once you do it, its like waking up a lion that has been sleeping. so if in the future you find another person is going to be really hard to wait. Also im not the type of person that thinks there is only one person that you will fall in love with for your entire life, or that there is that person whom you where meant to be with. This is a choice, there is alot of great other ” halfs” out there. So my advice is, do it for you not for him. If you are really strong on waiting then dont do it because you will regret it, yes even if you love the person!!! because the truth is no one will assure you he will be with you forever. I hope this helps i speak on experience i was in that boat once,so if you are willing to wait then also dont put yourself in situations to make you not want to wait.

  42. secret says:

    to Mike

    i need advice i already had sex before it was with one person and i thought i was going to wait. I really regret doing this and i now want to wait until marriage, its hard to keep this decision when you have already experienced any tips?

  43. Mike says:

    Hi Secret,

    It is harder to wait after you’ve already had sex, but only for the first relationship. You’re dealing with what psychologists call “Boundary Decay.” Stay with me here and I promise there will be a point to this.

    Do you use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning? Does it have a snooze button on it? You know, like a button that you can push to get an extra 10 minutes of sleep and then the alarm goes off again?

    If you have a lot of willpower, maybe you don’t press the snooze button at all — you just get up when the alarm goes off and don’t use the snooze feature. Or maybe you let yourself hit that snooze button one time, and then you get out of bed.

    Most people have a little routine with the snooze button. Maybe they don’t push it at all, or maybe they let themselves push it five times. It’s the same every morning.

    Snooze button or no, you know you have to be out of bed by no later than 8:32am or you’re going to be late. 8:32am is your hard-set, absolute-latest time for getting up. In psychological terms, 8:32am is your Boundary.

    Still with me?

    Now, imagine one day you’re feeling really lazy, and you let yourself sleep in until 9:00am, and then you go to school late and nothing bad happens. Nobody yells at you. You still get your work done. Nobody is the wiser.

    Tomorrow morning, when it’s 8:32am and you’re really tired and don’t want to get up, you’ll start telling yourself “Hey, I slept until 9:00am yesterday and it wasn’t a big deal.” It’s going to be very easy for you to talk yourself into sleeping in until 9:00am again now, because 9:00am is your new Boundary. It has moved from your old Boundary (8:32am). It has grown worse, later, less desirable, less rigid — Your Boundary has DECAYED. This is what psychologist mean when they refer to “Boundary Decay.”

    So in terms of sex, your sexual boundary has decayed a little. Now you have to re-set that boundary, kind of like you’re conditioning yourself to wake up early again after letting yourself sleep in too many times.

    In practical terms, your next relationship will be the real test. In order to make your Boundary strong again, you’re going to have to say “No” lots of times, especially when you really want to say “Yes.” The more you practice saying “No” under pressure, the stronger your boundary will get. After a whole relationship of saying “No,” waiting will be much easier for you. It will start to become your natural state.

    So if waiting is something you really want to do, then you can do it, and after a while it really won’t be that hard. Just don’t let your boundary decay again, no matter the pressure, and it will grow strong — even stronger than before. And then after enough years it’ll be practically like you waited from the beginning.

    But again, your next relationship is going to be the real trial by fire. If you can make it through that, you can make it all the way.

    Final tip: don’t let a guy guilt you into doing it with the argument “Well you had sex with [other guy] but you won’t with me…what the hell.” If a nice boyfriend is upset about that, try to ease his pain, but it’s still not really a valid argument. This is your choice, and you made it before you met him. And you can promise him twice what that other guy got just as soon as you’re married.

  44. secret says:

    Thank you so much Mike this really help alot … i know it wont be easy but im going to try now im really scared to go into other relationships because of this, and i know its to soon to start one anyway. The hardest part is forgiving myself but thank you once again for the tip

  45. Mike says:

    @Secret – I know forgiving yourself is hard, but spending all that mental energy beating yourself up is wasteful. What you did yesterday doesn’t matter nearly as much as what you are doing today, and the kind of person you’re going to be in the future. If you take all that time you spend damning yourself for your mistake, and instead spend it figuring out how to be better right now (and in the future), I think you’ll end up happier.

    The mistake is very fresh to you at the moment. It just happened pretty recently. In time, the sting will fade.

    There’s a saying I always took to heart: “Guilt is healthy, shame is not.” What this means is that you should remember your mistakes, you should feel bad about them, you should learn from them — but you shouldn’t torture yourself endlessly about them.

    And don’t be too scared about going into another relationship! Just pick an extra nice, understanding guy. If you try to make your next relationship with some aggressive alpha-male/player type, it’s going to be much harder on you.

    Good luck, and if you feel alone in your quest, come join our forums and hang out!

  46. Amy says:

    I have been together with my boyfriend for a few months now and the sex topic has never come up in conversation we are 21 and have certain sexual needs. The problem is I’m not a virgin and he is, but he doesn’t know that I’m not a virgin… He stands strong in his values of no-sex before marriage. Im scared that if I tell him Im not a virgin that he will leave me. I regret having sex and I know God has forgiven me.

    We are both Christians so I think he has assumed that I am a virgin, but when I had sex I went through a rough patch. I have no idea what to do, I love him but I am scared.

  47. ramena says:

    i loved one boy we had 3 years relationship we had sex to now we got break up what i will do …can i marry another one is it right

  48. barbie says:

    i love one boy 5 yeras lived with him

  49. Carpi says:

    Hey mike i need your help.

    My bf and i is in an LDR right now 7 mos im a virgin but he’s not, he has sum sexual experience with his past gfs before. He gave me a promise ring and i accepted it. He said he’s gonna wait for me till marriage to have sex. Is it true? Shall i believe him? But guys now-a-days think about sex every 2 min. I was thinking is there a tendency that he’ll hook up with someone else? HELP!!!

  50. Confused girl says:

    Hi Mike,

    I am a 21 year old girl and my boyfriend of 11 months will be 22 this year. We are both attend different universities (2 hour drive away)but we are in the same city this summer. When we met, I told him I was a virgin and that I wasn’t ready to do anything, and he said he wouldn’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. The thing is I want to wait until I’m married and he’s not a virgin. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he can’t wait until marriage as that is not anytime soon. He also says that he doesn’t want me to do anything that I don’t want to do, so he’ld rather leave than cheat on me or force me into it. He doesn’t bring up the topic alot, just once in a blue moon.

    I don’t know what to do because I feel in this generation, not a lot of guys would wait this long and what if I break up with him and nobody else stays as long as he has stayed and I end up losing my virginity to a jerk out of frustration. Please help!!! Thanks

  51. Confused girl says:

    Oh btw, we do other things apart from intercourse

  52. Mike says:

    @Confused girl – I don’t know you, I don’t know him, and I don’t know your relationship. But I can tell you that a good friend of mine is a non-virgin guy (with quite a colorful relationship history) who waited on a virgin all the way from age 18 to 26 without ever complaining about her waiting till marriage, much less threatening to leave over it. In his words “It’s easy because I love her.” They were married last month. So there ARE non-waiter guys out there who will be OK with it. Don’t forget that.

    If you were 16 and he was complaining about marriage being “so far away,” then it might be a reasonable objection. But at 22, you’re not THAT far away from marrying age. Plus you do other stuff, which is usually all it takes to make a relationship work between a waiter and a non-waiter.

    It’s normal for him to want more, and it’s good of him not to pressure you, but it’s unfortunate that he feels like he needs it so bad that he’s ready to leave.

    I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here: Maybe there’s something else he’s not getting out of the relationship, and he thinks sex will fix it. Maybe it’s not sex that he misses; it’s frequent, unhindered physical intimacy. You said you do “other things,” but what is your attitude about them? Are you frigid, infrequent, and guilt-ridden about physical stuff? Or are you fairly open and enthusiastic about those few things you do allow yourself to do? Because if you’re closed off physically, that can exaggerate the absence of sex.

    You should ask him. Ask him what he misses so much about sex, and then see if you can make up for any of those things.

  53. Confused girl says:

    Thanks Mike, this was helpful :)

  54. Michael Lian says:

    Please help me, I am dying. I have loved a girl for four years. (she didn’t like me)During this four years, we were studying in different schools and because she was annoyed by me, we lost contact. During these years, I remained to be a Christian saving my virginity after marriage. However, she had sex. After four years of separation, we occasionally meet each other in a same high-school. She discovered that she now really loves me and I still love her very much. However, the fact that she lost her virginity is killing me. It is KILLLLLING me and please help me. Please please

  55. Mike says:

    @Michael Lain – Listen closely, Michael: You are forgetting what you have. You have accomplished something that every nice guy dreams about: You have finally escaped the friendzone with a girl you’ve loved for a long, long time. That is no small feat. Do not piss that away lightly over something that happened before you officially got together.

    Ask yourself this: If she hadn’t had sex, if she was still a virgin like you… What would you think of the relationship? Is it otherwise fantastic? Is her past the ONE problem? Are you completely compatible otherwise? Or are there other issues in the relationship?

    Try to see her and your relationship removed from the past. People do mature and change. If you’re otherwise happy, you owe it to yourself to find a way to get over this. Trust me (I’ve been there), as bad as her past hurts you right now, that’s NOTHING next to how bad it’s going to hurt if you self-destruct the relationship over this and regret it later.

    This is a topic we cover a lot here at WTM.org. You might like these articles:
    1. How I got Over My Fiance’s Sexual Past

    2. The 7 Emotions You Feel When You Discover Their Sexual Past

  56. Michael Lian says:

    Thank you very much Mike, I never really have any trouble loving her even though she is not a virgin anymore. I guess the reason that I posted here was that I couldn’t overcome the shock,disapointment and the sadness.After knowing what she did, I couldn’t bear the sight of couple on the street, sex-related words and any other things that make me think of premarital sex. I do not feel angry, instead, I feel the deepest hatred to myself for not protecting her well enough.

  57. Anonymous says:

    I just found out that my gf has been very intimate with someone else, whereas I have not. It’s a tough pill for me to swallow. We’ve been dating about 2 years now, and it’s hurts so bad. I love her, and I know she loves me, and I know that it was hard for her to admit. But I just wondered what your thoughts might be? Idk if you respond to these or not. I hope so.

  58. NinaL says:

    Hi Mike. I’m 23 years old/female. I’m waiting till marriage to give away my V-card to someone I love and who is special to me. I meet this guy a year ago. We’ve been friends but over the past few months we been developed feelings for each other. He knew from the beginning I wanted to wait till marriage and he thought it was a wonderful idea. He said I was the only girl he wanted to be with and only girl he wants to make love with when the time is right. He just turned 30 and he’s had sex before but it’s been over a year since he had sex. He asked me, ” I know you want to wait until marriage but, would you want to do other (things) like (pleasure) in the mean time. I had to think and I told him. I want to do EVERYTHING the night of or after we are married. He was abit upset and we hung up the phone I haven’t spoke to him in a few hours but I don’t know what to do or what to say to him. I know its been a while since he hasn’t had sex and it puts a lot of pressure on him. I see myself being with him for a long time. I have 5 sisters and they all lost their virginity at a young age and there’s nothing wrong with that but I just decided to go a different route in my life. So plz if you can I need some advice.

  59. NinaL says:

    @Anonymous,,Wow.. Only time a person should be intimate is with the person you are with an the person you;re inlove with

  60. Anonymous D says:

    I have dated a lot of girls in my past, and I regret it. However, I have always waited to make love to the girl I marry. After about 15 relationships I have found the only girl I truly want to marry. I am so sure on marrying her, and the fact that I’ve had a lot of other relationships makes me even more sure. She would be the perfect girl if she was a waiter too. :/ She lost her virginity this past year to a guy who had a different girlfriend, but told my girl he loved her and convinced her to have sex. It tears me apart…daily. To know she didn’t wait when I did is very hurtful. I want to be with her forever, but I can’t get the idea out of my head that I deserve someone who waited for me. Should I stay with her? or do I deserve better? Help :’(

  61. Mike says:

    @Anonymous D – You don’t deserve somebody who also waited. You deserve somebody who makes you happy. Does she make you really, really happy? Do you love her? Do you realize how rare that is? Do you realize how small and conservative her history is next to most other girls you would potentially date if you destroyed the relationship over this?

  62. Mandy says:

    Hi Mike,

    I’m a 21 year old virgin in college, and my current relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months (whom I’ve been friends with for 4 years now) has caused some inner turmoil for me. I grew up Catholic, and have held on to my virginity because I knew it was the right thing to do. There have been guys in my past who I very much wanted to have sex with but didn’t because of my beliefs, and because I knew they weren’t right for me. However, my beliefs have been changing, because this is my first time caring this way about someone. He has had sex before, with a girlfriend of three years, and absolutely does not believe in sex for the sake of sex, but only something to be enjoyed in a committed relationship. This doesn’t bother me, and I actually find his loyalty to be very attractive. He has never pressured me, and we love eachother, but the desire between the two of us has grown to be completely unbearable! He’s willing to wait until I’m ready, but other physical things (like oral) are not enough for either of us anymore. I’m crazy about him! I guess I’m conflicted because this is something I really want to share with him, someone so special to me, but because of my religious background and the fact that he will be moving back to his home state in a few months (not sure where the relationship will go after that), I’m scared to. I can’t even decide if I want to wait til marriage anymore! I feel like I want it for all the right reasons, but something is holding me back. Help! I can’t sort out my feelings and decide what’s right for me…

  63. Anom says:

    Wonder if anyone could help! I’m currently seeing a guy who is a strict Christian!
    I was baptised 2 years ago and have tried to live my life as a good Christian girl and
    Have failed time and time again!
    I have know this guy for 3 years and we are now at the point of making things official and
    Becoming official! I worry my past is too much for him to handle!
    I plan to talk to him openly about my past and have been open with him in telling him
    I feel he deserves better than me!
    We kiss quite passionately and things have become heated but we have so far stuck with the
    “don’t touch what you don’t have” rule, however I find it so difficult and
    am gettin frustrated as I want him physically more and more! Ive spoken to
    him in regards to it being different for me as I have experienced things he hasnt and he said he likes
    how he makes me feel!
    I’m just finding it hard personally when it comes to being intimate with him as I’m concerned he’ll resent me
    for my past!
    The thought of waiting until married to get closer to him drives me insane and I’m at a loose end!
    As much as I want him I’m more worried for his virtue than mine!
    Also the fact my faith isn’t as string as his worries me as I can’t guarantee what I will and won’t do in future!
    Any advice much appreciated

  64. Tony says:

    @Mike

    Hey Mike, I need some help. I have been dating this girl for a while now. We both love each other. She wants to wait until marriage and, honestly, I don’t, but I do respect her decision. I have had sex before, but the thing is, so has she. She has sex in her three previous relationships, and about a month before she met me, she decided she wants to wait.

    She told me this about 3 weeks in, and I felt angry. I didn’t understand why she she wants to wait, but has had sex with three other people. I finally understood that why. She said she was young, immature, and was human. (humans make mistakes)

    So last Friday we spend the night together (not the first time we have spent the night together)and she decides she wants to have sex. We have sex, and today we talked about it. She said she still doesn’t want to have sex because she still wants to wait for marriage.

    I really need some help in understanding this. I still want to be with her and want to make it work, but I don’t understand what she did last Friday or has done in the past, and why she has done these things.

    Thank you,
    Tony

    P.S. I have been reading a lot of these comments, and in no way have I ever urged her to have sex with me.

  65. Mike says:

    @Tony – You’re in a tough spot. Try to think of her decision to wait like she’s an alcoholic trying to give up booze for the first time. That’s closer to how she feels about it. Through this lens, you can picture her valiantly deciding to quit, then relapsing, then getting angry at herself afterwards (and angry at you for participating).

    That’s her mentality right now. This is largely her deal; you’re just a bystander taking collateral damage. The best thing you can do is be patient and supportive, even when her inconsistencies drive you nuts. Rest assured that this up and down cycle is mainly a function of the decision being new, and it may calm down with a little time.

    I don’t know her, but it kind of sounds like she’s looking for SOMETHING to make sex feel more meaningful again. You can help her get that without waiting all the way until marriage. You might be able to succeed here with a little reverse psychology. Sit down and tell her that you’re going to support her. Tell her that for at least the next little while, you won’t initiate sex and you won’t let her initiate sex unless you talk about it first.

    But set some ground rules. Draw a line that’s realistic. You don’t want her freaking out when your arm goes around her during a movie because she thinks it’s going to lead somewhere. You’re both going to mutually draw the line at Point X when it comes to physical stuff. Then, stick to that line. Do not cross it unless she initiates and you get a verbal confirmation from her that you believe.

    Then watch. Give it 30 days. After 30 days, one of two things will happen: She will decide that you’ve done enough to make sex special again, and waiting was a little extreme for her, and then she’ll be able to let go and admit to it. Or she’ll be comfortable with waiting and decide that it’s right for her, and by that point you might have gotten some comfort with it.

    The key is to let her set the pace completely, and be supportive of whatever pace she wants to set (and not bitter). If she says she wants to stop waiting, make damn sure she means it or she’ll resent you afterwords.

    For your purposes, either you’re not going to marry this girl and those other guys don’t matter long-term, or you ARE going to marry this girl and she’s worth a little waiting (if you do marry her, being supportive now will earn you hella big points later).

    Of course, if there’s a newly-minted religion at play here with a new church peer group that she’s trying to impress; that’s another can of worms.

    Again, you’re in a tough spot. Very best of luck. You’re a good man for even asking.

    P.S. for people who are about to flame me: I don’t mean to imply that sex (or even premarital sex) is bad like an alcohol or drug addiction. But in Tony’s case that analogy suits his girlfriend’s willpower-relapse mentality.

  66. jasmin says:

    hi Mike, I am from euroasia and in our land virginity is necessary esspecially for girls. In our territory we see “honour killng” for virginity that is why the girls who is raped, they marry off the rapists. This is legal our country.

    So I just want to ask I am virgin so my fiancee is virgin(maybe we can see half virgin, I dont know) but I really concern about our sexual intention, when he touch my skin, he is not excited. He is so senseless. Is this normal?

    And I want to ask another thing.. As a girl, what we done for own satisfaction can be harmful for future sexual life like dissatisfaction or vaginismus.

    Thank you for your answers, love from euroasia.

  67. Clara says:

    Hello All,

    This website is so awesome, it seems like everything is all about sex all the time! I wanted to ask other girls in a relationship with guys who haven’t waited when/how they told the guy? I just started dating this guy, I’m not sure if he’s had sex or not but I met him in a bar (I know not the ideal place to meet guys haha) but he’s super nice and chivalrous which I almost thought was non-existent these days! He’s also 32 so the chances of him having waited are less, I’m 24. He knows that I’m a Christian but we haven’t really discussed our beliefs otherwise. Anyways we’ve been out twice now, both “talking” dates and I felt it was a little soon to discuss that, I don’t want to scare him away talking about marriage too early, but I also don’t want him to be thinking we’re going to have sex anytime soon. Any advice on the best way to bring up this topic and when? Many people say if he loves you he’ll wait, well it’s a bit early to be talking about love! Lol

  68. Rachel says:

    Hey guys,
    I had sex with an ex boyfriend a long time ago when we were together because I though he was the one. When we broke up I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex again. I don’t know how to tell future boyfriends that I’m not a virgin but I want to wait till marriage.. Any advice?

  69. LookingForTheOne says:

    Rachel–I suggest saying just that; “I’m not a virgin but I now want to wait until marriage.” It’s pretty simple really.

    Now, some people, who aren’t waiting, will probably say something to the effect that “you gave this man both the virginity and the sex, and now I have to wait?” Some others, who are virgins and waiting, will not like the fact that you are not a virgin. But I’m sure you will find someone who understands, and supports your decision.

  70. LookingForTheOne says:

    Well, maybe I ought to point out something (I forgot about this last time)–don’t JUST blurt that out. If you just say that for no apparent reason, it may end badly. You should try to bring up the topic in conversation first, and then try to say it diplomatically.

    (continued from my last post)

  71. Ryan says:

    Hey guys,

    Calling my issue a small one would be an understatement so I’m looking for advice on the situation. A year and a half ago my girlfriend and I had to break up because of her parents(still not sure why), but the feelings always stuck. Recently, I started talking to her again and we have grown so much separately, but feel mutually that we can grow so much more together. We both feel like we’re in love all over again…..I’ve always known that she wanted to wait for marriage and I’ve always respected that but last time we dated we did everything but have sex. This time around she gave me all the hints that she was ready to lose her virginity to me, which I was skeptical about. Sure enough, about a week later she says that she is saving her self( which I knew). But only this time she says that we have to limit it to kissing. I really feel that she is only saying this because she feels obligated to her faith….I mean we did everything but sex before so I’m confused on why it is different this time around. I’ve considered asking her if we could do all those things, just not that sex part. I really think this girl is the one and am completely willing to support her needs/wants but i would like to think that a relationship is mutual and she would want to do the same. Help me out guys

  72. Ryan says:

    Continued from last post…. P.s she is a virgin and I have had sex although only a handful of times

  73. Dionee' says:

    Hey guys. Im a virgin girl (although im not too old). Im only 17 years old but i think its still an accomplishment especially since today’s world has fed this generation of teenagers such messed up views on sex. I intend on saving myself for marriage (which i believe for me will be a good few number of years). Im inspired by those of you who are many years older than me and are still virgins so for that i really do want to thank you guys and congratulate you all on a job well done.
    Im currently dating a non-virgin. It bothers me just as it bothers the greater number of the posters in this section.
    So i was talking to my boyfriend last night and felt the need to ask him afew questions that I’ve been honestly dying to know the answer to.
    He says that its good that i want to wait until marriage, however his answers to my questions bother me even more than the fact that he isn’t a virgin.
    So i asked him if he regretted losing his virginity and he said “No” in his exact words, nothing more, nothing less, just a plain and simple No.
    So fine, i asked him next if he’d have sex again if the opportunity arose (i said i wouldn’t put a number on it as i just wanted a general indication as to how he feels and where he is at). He said “i probably will” and again, in his exact words.
    Thing is, at that point i was already put off and just gave up on asking my questions. Its quite clear as to where he stands. Im not saying i expect him to be with me forever (im too young to be thinking about spending forever with anyone anyway as forever is a hell of a long time), but i guess what i wanted was for him to tell me that he’ll wait aswell and again im not saying i want to marry him or anything cause at this point i really don’t. Thing is, i think im going to break up with him soon because i now feel no need to continue in a relationship which to me feels like a waste of time. His answers helped me not one bit. I envy the few of you who stated that your bf/gf said that they are sorry about their past and wish they hadn’t lost their virginity to who they did cause we can all see that my boyfriend certainly isn’t sorry about his or regretful to say the least. He would infact make the same choices all over again and i feel that since we share completely different views on this that we are most definately incompatible as a couple and i feel that since he shows a blatant disregard for the worth of sex, we shouldn’t be together. I guess i just needed to talk to somebody about my situation and how im feeling. Im happy that i found this site. I wish you all luck with your situations and may God bless you all. Thanks for reading

  74. LookingForTheOne says:

    Dionee’:

    As someone who’s also waiting until marriage, I think you should end this relationship. The fact that he’s not a virgin is one thing (for the record, I would have ended it right there, but I understand that it’s not a dealbreaker for you and that’s fine). But the fact that he doesn’t even regret the past and would do it again indicates that the two of you clearly are not on the same page. I know he’s saying that your waiting is a good thing, but it’s clear that he is not waiting (and he probably won’t even want to wait with you, after a while).

  75. Dionee' says:

    Looking for the one
    I totally agree. Thanks for your feedback. I know that we aren’t compatible as a couple and this seems to be a waste of time. Im only 17, I’ve got many years ahead of me so i don’t have to settle now. Thanks again :)

  76. bleu says:

    I understand I should be making this decision for myself but it is very hard to know that I am waiting till marriage and my partner was just having sex with different partners. I have run across guys who cant even remember how many they have slept with, were not in relationships with all of them, or just had a lot of relationships that sex was involved. It doesn’t feel fair because I feel as if i’m waiting for them and they did not wait for me. It hurts honestly. I could deal with a few partners like maybe 2 is reasonable for my age but some were even in the double digits. I don’t know how i could be with someone who shares their love like that, I feel like I would be supporting their greedy behavior. You know letting them have their cake and eat it too? How can I cope with someone who is far from a virgin? How will I know that person has truly had a change of heart and cherishes me and is not just being greedy? How can I a virgin be able to hold a torch to the sexual appetites they have acquired? This is another reason why I prefer a virgin is so we can grow together sexually not having to live up and provide what he is already accustomed to sexually. Any advice would help…giving myself away to someone who is experienced makes me feel like im back in the old days of teenage girls being peddled off to old men.

  77. Claire says:

    Hi guys, I’ve had sex before. Just with one guy that I have been seeing for two years. He is not a christian and I am. Currently I am trying to devote myself to the Lord more. Thus, I told him I would like for us to wait until we are married to have sex again. He did not take it well and we are planning to talk about it later after we cool down and have time to think.
    Have I become “One Flesh” with him? Would it be wrong to break things off with him because of this? Is it really possible for The Holy Spirit to leave me because I have had sex with my boyfriend? Lastly, if I marry him, would that make everything better?

  78. Hi Claire says:

    Just my opinion, no from a super religious perspective. I dont think just cause that has happened you will fall from grace with the Lord, you still are a believer and making a potential mistake doesn’t completely tarnish your relationship, unless you choose to not have a relationship with the Lord. I also don’t thinking marrying him will make things better, for one he may not even want to marry you seeing as how he isn’t a Christian so his views/values on marriage may not be the same. Also, if he is not God’s match for you then more than likely that marriage will fail. Since you are a believer listen to the forces that be when it comes to finding the one you should marry. Seems like you’re already on the right track by devoting your time to the Lord. Through all of that when its time he shall make your match clear. In my humble opinion.

  79. Rose says:

    Im 22 years old and a virgin. Im going through the most difficult time right now with my boyfriend. My story is deffinitly one of a kind. Im struggling and could really use any advice or encouragement. My boyfriend is 27. He has 2 little girls. He was once married to their mother very young, but that did not last very long. He tried again when he was around 24, but that didnt work out either. That second marriage was never an in love with each other marriage. It was more of a they were good friends and enjoyed each others company. He told me they rarely had sex ever. . . Skipping to the future, i have been with him for almost a year now and he has been divorced for about a year and a half.
    So here is whats going on. He has been aware of my virginity from the very beginning and respects it. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Our love is very strong. You see we live together and pretty much have almost or entire relationship. We live or daily lives like we are married in every way.. except the sex factor. His children i love dearly,, they have even started calling me mom, or refer to me as mom to their friends.. our relationship has been amazing. Until 2 months ago.
    I come aware to the fact that he slept with someone. Worst time of my life I tell you,, the feeling and pain of this was unbearable. After ignoring him for a few days, once we talked I became aware of how he really felt. He told me that he can’t take my virginity that he doesn’t see how he could ever be comfortable with doing so.. he told me it is so incredibly hard to not have a sexual connection with the one person I love more than anything in this world. And that after it happened, the worst thing was that he felt relieved and didn’t feel guilty until he saw me.. that was a lot to take in.. we talked for hours. In the end we didn’t know what to do… even though it has been rough, we have been working it out. I know how much he loves me, and I know how hard it is for him to not have that connection.. (i do give him pleasure though, my point of comfortable is doing”everything” but…) its been about 2 months since, and is going great.. and hear it comes, BUT….
    Today i discovered that he went to see her this morning. My mind went all over the place, i was panicking, practically having a breakdown almost.. i was shaking and freaking out. When I had confronted him about it he was completely honest and told me he went over there to tell her all that is going on and that I am the one he wants to be with, and everything is more than perfect, except the sex factor but he is trying to deal with it and work it out with me. Today our talk with one another was a bit rough.. our view on marriage is completely different. He tells me that he doesn’t want to get married again for quite a while, but knows that having sex won’t happen with me until then, and doesn’t want to waste both of our Times and lives if in the end it doesn’t work out… and feels like there isn’t a need for marriage,, in his views… i have to be honest that really hurt when he told me that… i know that he has been there done that twice and isn’t ready yet again, but in my eyes is completely the opposite, I’m at the age where all of my friends are getting married, engaged, or having babies… my dream is to get married and hopefully have a kid of my own before 30.. which at this moment doesn’t seem to promising. We have had deep talks with each other, and love eachother so deeply. This no sex thing is so rough for him right now especially when he knows that im waiting but he is no where close to wanting to get married. . . This is very rough and I know he is going through a lot right now. I dont want to have doubt in us because I believe in power that or love holds.. but he has so many fears about marriage and idk.

    Its complicated and ive already written a book by now probably.. no one knows him the way i do or our relationship the way we know it,, there’s more to it it seems like but i know i have already written a lot,,,
    You got the basics, any encouraging words?

    -Rose

  80. Natasha says:

    Im 17,my bf is 23,hes my 1st lover,we’ve dated for almost a year n months now,im a virgin n hes not,at first i told him i was not ready to go al the way,he seemed to understand my situation n said he’ll wait wenever i become ready but now its totally different,he asked to sleep over at my place just for one night,i did not even bother taking that into consideration but later found out that he meant it thats when i got a call from him saying he was on the way to my house and asked if everybody was asleep,well i told him i could not let him come to my place as i have never done it before and feared my family,he got mad and hanged up on me,i later sent him an sms that night saying how sorry i was and that i loved him,he replied saying its ok and that he loves me more.tha following day he insisted on coming to my place again,i just agreed because i did not want to disapoint him,he called asking if he could come straight away,i told him i could not do dat..I really like him a lot but i blame myself evryday for not meeting his needs,please help

  81. Jes'us says:

    Put it in the hole!!!

  82. Anonymous says:

    Hello, I am 21 and been with my very first boyfriend for 4 years. He has a past and I lost my virginity to him. I feel like since the beginning all he wanted was for me to give him sex. He told me he started to like me when I talked to him about my problems with other guys. We met through an opine social network. In the beginning it didn’t really bother me that he had multiple partners since he said they all didn’t mean anything to hi
    And I believed him. But as time past by I started to feel sad and somewhat angry that he had a past with other girls and I was a virgin. He began to talk me into sex, calling it “making love” I really wanted to wait till marriage but I got scared he would leave me. He bought me gifts, came to see me 2 hour drive, so I knew he was being serious with me. He called me his dream girl.for the fact that he drove all the way here for me made me think he really meant it that he wanted to marry and that I was the one, and that he was too. He pressured me into sex, I fell for it. But he still made it romantic he light candles and I just followed the flow. Fast forward now we have had lots of fights, he broke up with me because I told him to quit denying he was checking out a girl in front of me. (someone I had problems with before) he said he hated that I accused him, I told him I didn’t want to break up so he took me back. Then I went to a friends house party I don’t drink and I behave well and tell others I am taken. He deleted his Facebook. He wasn’t okay with me going but I also want to enjoy myself w the few friends I have. Many problems came up because the party was an hour drive. The thing is I came home at 4am. I know I didn’t do anything wrong so I don’t feel guilty, y parents were okay with it because they know I am respectful towards myself and I hardly go out I am always studying at home. Anyway he texted me that it was over when he got my message that I got home that late. I hate lying so I wasn’t going to lie to him. I have never done anything I know I wouldn’t want him to do to me.i abviously begged him to not break up with me and he took me . But now he says he doesn’t want me to go to any friends party ever again. And I agreed even though before all this turmoil we had plan to go to my friends party together. I feel like he is doing it on purpose to get me back and maybe doing it so I could just brake up with him. Idk of he is doing this on purpose and just using all these problems to make it easy on him.
    He is acting distant because he says he felt disrespected that I came home so late. I want to show him that I truly didn’t mean to make him feel disrespected. I had to catch a ride with my friend for the party and freeway was blocked. If I knew this would happen I would have not gone. I truly love him he is my first everything but this is t okay. I feel anxious, wondering if he is going to text or call me. Idk of this is even love anymore. I feel like he’s been wanting to break up with me before and just making it harder. I asked him the only way I will not make effort and leave him is if he tells me he doesn’t love me.but he says he does. Idk what to do?

  83. Emmy says:

    Hi Everyone,

    First off, I’ve really enjoyed reading the posts here and they make me both sad but happy at the solutions and the community you’ve all found! I’ve had a couple long term boyfriends through high school and at least one was pretty high pressure. I’ve never questioned waiting until marriage and don’t have a problem telling people if they inquire. I didn’t date anyone through most of college, but senior year I started seeing my best guy friend from school. He expressed to me how grateful and relieved he was that I was a virgin as hypocritical as it sounded.

    We’ve been dating for a year now and ever few months I just get a wave of hurt because he didn’t wait. He had sex with his high school girlfriend when they were 15 or 16 and their relationship lasted until he was 21. He lived on the same floor as me in college so I KNEW when she came to visit that’s all they were doing. I’d go to knock on his door for class (we were the same major) and turn right back around to walk by myself. At the time I just found it repulsive and upsetting but that was before I liked him. And he told a few of us at one point about times they got away with it in her house right has her parents were getting home etc… They had so many issues and that was their solution.

    Its so hard for me to think that when we get married we’ll have been dating fewer years then they were having sex for. The last guy I dated was 4 years ago for a year and I really don’t remember too much because I’ve blocked it out. How am I suppose to feel like he’s not thinking of years of experience on our wedding night?

    I’ve talked to him about about it but he still hasn’t said he regrets anything. I’ve cried a lot and we’ve had some really long talks. I know that’s selfish of me to expect, but it just doesn’t seem fair that I was responsible and no one else has to be. How come I didn’t do anything and its KILLING me, but it doesn’t bother him at all?

  84. Tarun says:

    Hi,
    My fiance had 4 boyfriends before me. she had sex only once with one of them(who was a married man!). Other things are fine. We love each other and have gone through lots of trouble to marry each other.
    I try to forget but somewhere it is there at the back of my mind.
    Please help.

  85. Tarun says:

    I am a virgin myself

  86. Beth says:

    What i do not realize is in truth how you are no longer really much more smartly-appreciated than you might
    be right now. You’re very intelligent. You recognize therefore considerably in relation to this matter, made me individually imagine it from so many varied angles. Its like women and men are not fascinated until it

  87. Luke says:

    I was planning on waiting until marriage, and then I met my girlfriend. We waited 4 months to have sex because as I said, I had planned on waiting, but then I fell in love with her. Emphasis on with. The only problem is, she has had lots of sex before meeting me, and I’m afraid to talk to her about it because I’m afraid of what she might say. I don’t want to hear the details, but I still feel like its something I should know. I know she’s had sex before, and three-ways and has had numerous sexual experiences, but I really haven’t. My entire “sex life” has been with her. What do I do here?

  88. james says:

    I am so jelous and hurt that i waited so long for that special person and that special person didnt wait for me. My girlfriend and i have been going out 5 years this december. 5 years ago in november she went to a dance and met this guy. Before we were dating. She said that this guy told her she was pretty and a bunch of other stuff. I was talking to her that night and she all of a sudden stoped txting me till the next day. :*( i really had feelinh for her and hadnt told her yet. She said the guy told her she was pretty and a bunch of other stuff.. she got a ride offered and she took it. They parked the car and started drinking a little. Then it happened. I never knew. We keept talking and after a month or so we started dating. I was the happiest man alive. I had never been so happy, do in love. <3 shortly after she told me she was pregnant. We had never had sex. I was so heart broken. We broke up.( well i broke up). She then the next week terminated her pregnancy. And two weeks after that she showed up at my house and wanted to talk so i let her in. And we started going back out. Ecery time i remember i get so pissed off. When i see this guy i wana punch his face in so bad. Im crying right now as i write this. I had never felt so bad. Thats my story. She now is my wife we have 2 kids and are happy except for that. Thats my jorrible story.

  89. pop says:

    hey frnd i feel sad as i dont have a gf, in my 21 years life… Will any grl will be my gf? U can contact me on fb… Sayantan brenj banerjee

  90. pop says:

    but the main problem is as i am virgin i also want virgin gf… Coz its an ego.. Problem..

  91. Anonymous girl says:

    Hey all i need some help!! I am 20 and waiting for marriage due to my faith in Christianity i dont smoke or drink none of that i take my Religion seriously.. I’ve known my boyfriend for about 12 years we’ve been dating for 4 months we tried dating last year but it didnt work because i was not ready.. Anyway he accepts the fact that i am waiting until marriage but when we’re together its not that he cant keep his hands off me but he likes to touch me when we’re making out.. I really like him he is my first boyfriend he has had sex before but i dont judge him based on his past.. Is it wrong that we have this urge when we’re around each other like after kissing i feel guilty is it maybe because i actually enjoy it.. He is also 20 and i feel like sometimes he is making a mistake by being in a serious relationship at 20 and i feel like he might be tempted to cheat 1 day even though he says he would never, thanks in advance

  92. Anonymous girl says:

    To my post above.. All his friends are the types that just sleep around with girls and i feel like if they’re out they might influence him in a way.. Whatever he did before we dated was his business i am not here to judge him based on his past as he treats me so well.. I cant say i love him yet as i blve it is too soon but i can see myself spending the rest of my life with him!! How do we not cross the line when we’re kissing/making out

  93. uh says:

    “You don’t just want to give your future husband/wife that extra-special gift…you want to take that gift from them too, so that you will forever own each other in the same way.”

    Excuse me? That’s creepy as hell. Let’s break it down.
    “Take that gift from them too:” why are we taking things from people? Why is it yours to take? Is stealing a person’s ‘innocence’ and ‘purity’ supposed to be romantic? Kind? Acceptable? Normal?
    “Forever own each other in the same way:” No. God, no. That’s a disgusting phrase. Just because you’ve married someone, had sex with someone, doesn’t make you their ‘owner.’ When you “took” that “gift” from them, did you take their right to be in control of their own individual self, too?
    ‘I’m married! Yay! Now I can finally take this part of my partner that they’ve been brainwashed to hold so dearly! Not only that but I OWN them now! And for the affordable price of a marriage license! If only I supported polygamy, that way I could own more partners and take even MORE gifts!’

    Do you even know what you’re saying to impressionable young minds? You, all of you, disgust me. I’m not against abstinence. I’m against how it’s taught and presented, as if it’s the only option. There’s a way to educate people about abstinence. This isn’t the way.

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