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Jealousy FAQ: How to Get Over Your Partner’s Past

December 30th, 2012 by

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Table of Contents

  1. Quick Introduction from Jennifer (the Author)
  2. General Obeservations
  3. Why do I feel jealous of their past in the first place?
  4. Is it possible to ever get rid of these jealous feelings?
  5. Why am I obsessing over this?
  6. Should I tell my partner that I feel jealous?
  7. What should I say to my partner about it?
  8. Why do I feel like I’ve been cheated on?
  9. How do I know that the jealousy feelings have truly gone away?
  10. How long did it take you get over your jealousy?
  11. What do you do when the jealousy feelings come back?
  12. What if I can’t get over my jealousy feelings?
  13. Everything about my partner is perfect, except their sexual past. What can I do to get past this one problem?
  14. Am I being compared to their past sexual partners?
  15. How much detail should I ask my partner?
  16. Is it better to know more detail, or less?
  17. Does my partner think about their past sex with other people, even when they’re with me?
  18. What do I do if my partner is jealous of my past?
  19. What have I learned from my experience with jealousy?

Quick Introduction from Jennifer (the Author)

A few months ago I wrote article about my past struggles with jealousy problems in my relationship. My motive was to share my story in an effort to spare other people the pain that is associated with jealousy.

My last article received an overwhelming response from readers who sought my advice for their individual situations. More than happy to comply, I have attempted to help many people deal with their individual jealousy problems. Over time, I noticed there were several common questions that I was being asked.

I have compiled the most commonly asked questions about how to deal with jealousy based on my experience. It’s important to note that these questions do not only apply to those who wait until marriage to have sex, but to non-waiters as well. I invite anyone with further questions to leave a comment and those questions will be addressed in a future article (or as an update to this page).

General Observations:

Very simply, from what I have seen, jealousy stems from a type of greed and insecurity. The greed comes from wanting your partner to be “yours” and only yours. It is almost a territorial instinct. The insecurity stems from fear of being compared, fear of losing your partner, fear of not being good enough for your partner, and more.

Why do I feel jealous of their past in the first place?

Jealousy is a complex human feeling that draws upon your emotions. The jealousy that you feel in a relationship is different than the envy of everyday life, such as your friend getting a good mark on an exam or your sibling getting a new car. This jealousy can consume you and leaves you with an extremely uncomfortable feeling inside that doesn’t seem to go away, despite your best efforts. It is much harder to deal with and can end relationships.

It is influenced by an animal instinct: the act of sexual intercourse itself. If you take away all of the emotions, love, feelings and friendship from sex, you are left with just the act of sex. What you need to identify is whether you are jealous of the act of sex itself, or the emotions tied in with it, or both. Are you jealous of past relationships, casual hookups, or both?

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Is it possible to ever get rid of these jealous feelings?

Yes. It is possible, but not guaranteed. I am a living testament to it being possible. However, it is not easy. It takes a lot of work on your part to understand your partner and accept their past. The greatest healer of jealousy is time. Once you are over your jealousy feelings, it takes a lot of time to heal the wounds that were caused by the jealousy in the first place.

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Why am I obsessing over this?

There are numerous reasons why people become jealous in relationships. The top factors I have encountered are influences from virginity, religion, upbringing (how you were raised), cultural view of sex and societal view of sex.

A virgin may become very jealous over a partner’s past because they feel that if they are a virgin, their partner should be one too, and anything less is unacceptable. Or, other virgins feel insecure about their lack of experience and their partner’s abundance of it.

Some religions do not allow sex before marriage, and as a result, a religious individual will have problems with their partner if they are religious and have not waited for marriage.

Your upbringing can highly influence your view on sex. The way you were taught about sex by your parents, siblings, extended family, teachers and friends influences how you view sex as an adult. Based on what I have seen, people who can talk about sex freely with their parents (or an equivalent authority figure in their life) generally do not have as serious jealousy problems. It is those that feel embarrassed to speak about sex, or those that feel that they cannot openly ask questions or hold open discussions that have the worst jealousy problems.

Your cultural view of sex is highly influential. Some cultures will openly embrace sexuality, while others do not mention it at all.

Societal view of sex is important too. Depending on where you live, sex can be seen as “no big deal” or something that needs to be controlled. Some societies (e.g. North America) seem to accept casual sex as the norm today. Meaning, there is nothing odd about casual sexual relationships. Some societies do not embrace this view at all.

Once you figure out what is influencing your jealousy, you can figure out how to deal with it.

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Should I tell my partner that I feel jealous?

Absolutely. Communication is going to save your relationship. Take a time when you are both calm and not upset, and tell your partner that you are having difficulties dealing with their past. Do not accuse them of anything, and be sure to use personal pronouns (such as ‘I’ or ‘me’) to explain how you feel rather then pointing the finger at them (using words such as ‘you’).

Your partner may decide that dealing with your jealousy is not worth it, and leave. Be prepared for this. However, if your partner wants to work it out, talk about your feelings. Try to explain to them what exactly is bothering you. Do not keep these feelings to yourself. If you bottle them up, eventually they’ll come out in a much more negative way.

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What should I say to my partner about it?

Determine what exactly is bothering you. Is it just the act of sex? Their past relationships? Figure out what is bothering you, and why. Once you know these two key influential things, explain them to your partner. Give them a chance to understand you, and then you must give them a chance to explain themselves. It is now their turn to make you understand what the context of the situation was, what happened, and how it made them feel. If you are able to understand their perspective, it can help the jealousy go away.

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Why do I feel like I’ve been cheated on?

Your imagination is your worst enemy. I can guarantee you that whatever you are imagining as what happened is not what happened. Most people tend to take their own experiences and project them onto their partner. This means that the jealous person takes their experience (or lack of it) and tries to apply it to every situation that their partner has been in. This does not work because you are not your partner. You were not there during the situation, therefore the decision you would have made is different than the decision they made at the time.

The worst thing you can do is tell your partner that they’ve cheated on you because they’ve been with other people. If you were not together when it happened, then your partner did not cheat on you.

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How do I know that the jealousy feelings have truly gone away?

If you can look at your partner and tell them you love them unconditionally and accept them 100%. This means that you love every single part of them, even the parts that used to make you jealous.

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How long did it take you get over your jealousy?

In total, my jealousy lasted one year, and took an additional six months of hard work to finally eradicate it.

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What do you do when the jealousy feelings come back?

If you feel like you conquered jealousy, but then feel it slowly coming back, then that means you have not dealt with all of your jealousy issues. You may have made a temporary solution, but there is clearly at least one more issue. Take whatever you have learned, and apply it to whatever is still making you feel jealous. Then remember what made you feel like you had gotten over the jealousy the first time, and apply it to the situation. Give yourself some time to let it pass. The realization moments are quick, then let them sink in to fully absorb the lesson.

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What if I can’t get over my jealousy feelings?

You either lose your partner or spend a lifetime being very miserable.

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Everything about my partner is perfect, except their sexual past. What can I do to get past this one problem?

If you feel that your partner is what you have been looking for, you need to fix your jealousy fast. Focus very hard on their good qualities and whatever it was that attracted you to them in the first place. Keep in the mind that some of their best traits (e.g. honest, caring, loving, etc.) may be very hard to find in another person.

Are you willing to give up the person of your dreams because of their sexual past? If you lose them, will you be able to accept your loss and be happy to move on? Or will you lament about ‘the one that got away?’

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Am I being compared to their past sexual partners?

This really depends on your partner. If you are concerned or insecure about being compared, you need to communicate that to your partner. Unless your partner is still in love with another person, chances are they are not thinking of anyone but you.

Once you are out of a relationship that involved any physical contact, you usually tend to bury those memories or you don’t think of them, especially if they are painful memories. When you are in a new relationship, you focus on making new memories with them. Sex that happened months or years ago is usually forgotten, and if they really think about it, they might be able to remember some details. Do you remember your first kiss in immense detail? You probably remember who it was with, and maybe where you were. Now imagine if someone was asking you a lot of detailed questions about it. You wouldn’t remember all of the details. It’s the same with sex. Even though we place so much more emphasis on it, you are less likely to remember it if you don’t want to, which is usually what most people do about past relationships.

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How much detail should I ask my partner?

Whatever you feel comfortable with. Ask details that will help you to get over their past. Do not pry for the sake of prying, or because you were simply curious. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the honest answer to. Don’t snoop through their Facebook, old emails or go searching for information from years ago. If your partner is trustworthy, then you should be able to trust the information they are telling you is true.

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Is it better to know more detail, or less?

This depends on you. In my personal situation, I knew way too much detail, and I found that it bothered me and even created visions in my head, which made the jealousy worse. Try to limit the amount of detail you know, unless there is something specific that is bothering you. Don’t ask them to compare you to their past partners.

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Does my partner think about their past sex with other people, even when they’re with me?

Chances are, they are focused 100% on you. They are not living in the past like you are, and wish you wouldn’t bring up the past. In fact, the more you are jealous and the more you talk about their past partners, the more they are reminded of them on a daily basis. Don’t bring a third person into your relationship because you talk about them so much.

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What do I do if my partner is jealous of my past?

If you are on the receiving end of the jealousy, you need to assess your situation very carefully. It depends on: (1) how much you want to deal with the jealousy problems, (2) what the extent of their jealousy problems are, and (3) how much you want to be with that person.

Dealing with jealousy problems are very difficult for both sides. It requires a lot of patience and strength on your part to deal with what is sure to be a difficult time. You may be hit with accusations and name-calling in times of anger. You may get very hurt by what is said to you and there is the potential for a lot of fights. Determine whether you will be able to deal with this.

You need to be able to understand the jealous person’s point of view as well as trying to make them understand yours. Try to find out where they are coming from. If you can understand what makes them jealous, or what exactly they are jealous of, it may help you to both deal with the problem. Talk to them, communicate a lot, and try to figure this out together.

Ask yourself how much you want to be with this person. If you want to be with them, try to stick it through the jealousy. If you feel that you would rather be accepted by someone rather than deal with jealousy problems, don’t drag out the relationship if you feel it is not worth it. However, it’s important to give them a chance and don’t judge the person before making any big decisions.

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What have I learned from my experience with jealousy?

To sum it up very simply: there is no point to it. Do not waste your time being jealous. You will look back on it one day, wishing that you could take back all of the mistakes you made. While it may seem like the biggest deal in the world right now, I can assure you it’s not worth all of the pain and hurt you will inflict on both yourself and your partner.

I realize that there are people who will simply dismiss what I write because they have their own beliefs and standards. I have been criticized for “lowering my standards” while I have also been praised for my strength to overcome my jealousy. I have helped some people save their relationship with this advice. I have experienced jealousy in the worst way possible and I was able to overcome it completely, learn from my mistakes, and am now able to help others do the same.

The point I am trying to make is that despite whatever your own personal views on sex are, do not judge other people. Try to accept them, even if they have made decisions you would not. Life is too short to focus on unimportant details. Instead, live your life to the fullest and be happy with your own life and choices.

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Author: Jennifer

Jennifer is one of the first happily married successful waiters on the site! When she's not writing articles about her own experiences, she is finishing up two degrees. She's also a girl gamer that specializes in RTS and Halo.

541 Responses to “Jealousy FAQ: How to Get Over Your Partner’s Past”

  1. LookingForTheOne says:

    I haven’t even finished reading this article, but I already see that it’s excellent!

    Like I said elsewhere, it does not apply to me. But there are many others out there who do indeed have this problem, and I’m sure this article will be helpful to them.

    So, again, 5 stars.

  2. Pure says:

    Thank you for this article :) It was so thorough! Although I am not in a relationship now, I want to prepare my self should I date a guy in the future who does have a sexual past.

  3. Kate 19 says:

    This article has helped me a lot to understand what my partner is goin through and has showed me how to deal with it myself x my relationship is absolutely worth keeping he’s the one I want to be with forever I just hope he can overcome this x
    The article has given me hope for us again
    Thank you x

  4. Jennifer says:

    @LookingForTheOne – Thank you. Kind words, as always.

    @Pure – Thank you. I hope that it helps to prepare you, should you need it.

    @ Kate 19 – You’re welcome, and thank you for your kind words. I sincerely hope that your relationship works out.

  5. Micheal says:

    Your article was very well thought… and your experience helpful. I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. In all those years, my wife has conducted herself in a godly and loving manner in every way. She holds no bittnerness, anger or unforgiveness towards anyone… in spite of the multiple date rapes, statutory rape and abuse by those close, but outside her family. Nevertheless, it has been a difficult and painfully private journey for me. At times, I have been “homidcidally” jealous of her past. Angry at the way in which she was abused and used… and angry at her for allowing it and forgiving those people in what I would say “a way too easy manner”. (which I know is really ridiculous). What helped me, was to remember that she is married to me. She has been faithful to me. She is a wonderful mother… and perhaps her confidence in the Lord. She says without reservation… “I know who God is and I beleive he does what he says he will do.”… “I am forgiven and that means I must forgive. I will not be defined by a short period in my young life.”
    Anyway… thanks for collating all this information in a single article….

  6. Marc says:

    Thank you Jennifer. I want more than anything to last with the person I am with now. I adore her so much and I am so scared of jeopardising what we have us, because of my jealousy. Your experience and article has helped me so much, it will be a long journey, but I am so happy and I will not give up on her.

  7. Lauralie says:

    Is it possible for a non-waiter to feel these same feelings of jealousy and sadness towards someone who is also a non-waiter, but has had more partners than they have? My fiance considered me the “perfect woman” until he asked me about my past and I told him. I have come to terms with my past relations but he has made me feel ashamed of them all over again. He feels that my past was led amorally, even though I possess all the other good wholesome qualities he was looking for. He saw how hurt he made me and dropped the subject for a year, proposed, and now 3 weeks before our wedding he has brought it up again and says he can’t stop thinking about my past. He feels that I fooled him by making him believe that I was an all good person, but I am a good person. He says he still loves me and still wants to marry me, but he can’t get through these feelings. I don’t know how to help him but he is hurting me in a way he promised never to. Is there anything else that can be done to help him get through this, and be as wonderful as he always used to be towards me? Thank you Jennifer!

  8. wny says:

    At the end you say, “Life is too short to focus on unimportant details.” I have to diasagree that a partner having already had sex is an unimportant detail. A virgin can marry a non-virgin if they wish. I believe they can have a happy marriage. But, that is not for everyone. Some virgins, myself included, want only a virgin and I disagree I should “try to accept” a non-virgin. It’s just not what I’m looking for.

  9. FR says:

    For real? This is my biggest issue ever. Dump the person you’re suffering, go find someone else – do whatever you ever felt jealous about. Be free, be happy – life is a short trip.

  10. les1961 says:

    Great advice,made take a look at myself.Hate the jealous feelings I had.
    Thank you.

  11. Jennifer says:

    Lauralie – I didn’t see these comments until now! Is there any way you can private message me on the site? I can try to help you in the best way I can. Has your wedding happened yet?

    wny – The point I’m trying to make with my article is that virgins shouldn’t judge non-virgins for their life choices just because they are different. For some people, they want a virgin, and that’s fine because it’s their preference. I’m not saying that sex is an unimportant detail in a relationship (that includes past sex) but at the same time, I’m saying that you shouldn’t treat someone badly in a relationship because of their past sex. No one deserves judgement. Also, life IS short. I’d rather be as happy as I could possibly be with a non-virgin who has all the qualities I wanted in another person as opposed to being with a virgin just because they’re a virgin. If you find someone that you know you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you really don’t want to just let them go because they’re not “all yours.”

    FR – The problem with jealousy in relationships is that it’s apparently now such a common problem that most people experience it at some point in one of their relationships. I completely agree with your statements, people should not have to go through that. My article is merely an attempt to try to help people avoid making those mistakes in the first place.

    les1961 – Glad I could help.

  12. LookingForTheOne says:

    wny — I, too, intend on only marrying a virgin, so I get where you’re coming from. But this article was intended for those people who are in relationships with people who are not virgins and who intend to stay in the relationship. It’s one thing to say “I need a virgin, so this relationship isn’t right for me” (which is fine). But there are those people for whom it’s not a dealbreaker, but who still need help overcoming the problem.

    So, I understand you, but I do think Jennifer is offering good advice, too.

  13. wny says:

    Jennifer-This article is about accepting non-virgins and you conclude by saying not to “focus on unimportant details.” You’re writing it like that implies that you think it is an unimportant detail. I don’t object to your article as a whole, I object to that statement. Also, I don’t judge people for having had sex. I just know they’re not for me, regardless of their other qualities. Their lack of virginity in and of itself means they would not be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. No, I would not be with a virgin JUST because she is a virgin, but virginity is one of the traits I require in a future spouse.

    LookingForThe One-I know the intention of the article. I never said she did not offer good advice. I just object to her calling not being a virgin an “unimortant detail.”

  14. wny says:


  15. GS says:

    I think this article can apply to those persons who have very limited sexual experience (one sexual partner) then divorced – widowed and dating when in middle age or older. It is not for me or my limited mind to understand what leads certain individuals to have multiple sexual partners in life, other than understanding the truth about their past as described by them in which they really did not have to do.
    Mistakes in the past in a person’s life is just that…. their mistakes, not yours.

    It is not for you or I to judge them. If they are open and honest enough to bare their very soul in front of you…risking the very real possibility of you ditching the relationship (because you cannot take the truth) so they can come clean to you, what more can you ask? Open dialogue, and a willingness to be loving, trustful, truthful, honest, open and have faith in the relationship moving forward is all anyone can ask of another person. If that person whole heartily gives their heart to you in love and the above mentioned, then grab it, hold and cherish it….it’s very possible a relationship like the one you have…won’t come your way again. Do you want to throw that chance away?

  16. Happy when sailing says:

    Hello chaps,
    Well I think Jennifer’s article is very good. It would take an age and a lot of print to cover every twist and turn that a person suffering from retroactive jealousy may encounter. Instead she has done a great broad brush,personal attempt at helping folk who suffer. I know the article has helped quite a few so all in all a great tool for someone to work on the forgiveness process.
    The way that I read the “unimportant” comment is that when the sufferer has come to terms with the situation, things are improving and its all being put away in the past Then it is indeed “unimportant”
    I’m not so sure this article is written for virgins accepting non virgins ! I think it’s written to help any person suffering from “past partner” jealousy perhaps I’m wrong? Great article Jennifer.

    Best regards. Col.

  17. andrea says:

    Im having an awful time with jealousy issues. My boyfriend ive had for over a year had a one night stand with a girl two days after we went out as friends. I think i get the most upset because hes not that kind of person. He had a crush on the girl for over a year and he finally went out with her. Hes not proud of the fact of what he did. I just get upset because i feel like im second choice. Because things didnt work out between the two. So he ended up with me. Instead of being grateful that it didnt work out between them i get jealous :( i think im over it then it comes back! If anyone has any advice id love it!

  18. Jennifer says:

    There’s multiple comments I want to respond to, so I will split up my answers so that there isn’t one long comment.

    First off, I’d like to clear up exactly what I meant when I said, “Life is too short to focus on unimportant details.”
    I am not saying that a person’s past sex is unimportant. It’s just a general statement referring to life in general. I actually think that a person being a virgin is a VERY important detail in a relationship. I hope that this now clarifies the confusion.

    LookingForTheOne hit the nail on the head. This article is meant to help people who do not see non-virginity as a deal breaker and require a little bit of help to get over their jealousy issues. This article was specifically written for ANYONE (including non-virgins) with jealousy problems, because ANYONE can have them, not only virgins. This article is in no way meant to try to convince virgins to marry non-virgins. My goal in writing this article was to aid the countless amount of people who privately wrote to me seeking advice on how to get over their jealousy. This article is a summation of the most frequently asked questions.

  19. Jennifer says:

    GS – GREAT comment! Everybody read it! This is exactly what I am trying to communicate in my articles.

    Happy When Sailing: Thanks for the great comment! You are exactly right as well. It was written for anyone struggling with jealousy problems, and you also understand the “unimportant detail” bit as well.

    Andrea – Feel free to email me if you need any advice. My email is in the comments above.

  20. laura says:

    Jennifer – did you ever have the feeling of disgust? My boyfriend
    Has had numerous one night stands and contracted an std. While he says
    He’s changed I still cannot get over how someone has sexual contact
    With a stranger.

  21. wny says:

    @Jennifer-I suppose everything is cleared up now. Maybe I partially missed the point of the article at one point (I can’t remember now if I did or not). If what you mean is that someone having had sex is an unimportant detail for someone who does not view it as a dealbreaker, then I sort of see where you’re going with that. Still, I’m not sure that it was the best way to put it. Anyway, if this article will help people who do not view it as a dealbreaker, then great.

    Out of curiosity, though, do you think it is strange for people to have it as a dealbreaker? I know you’re not mad at anyone who does or anything, but do you think it is strange?

  22. Paul says:

    This is quite a wonderful article and I wish that there were more out there like this.

  23. c. mane says:

    well thought out article. i esp like the question, ‘why do i feel cheated on’ . being someone who admittedly can be chronically jealous of a partner’s sexual past i can tell u that this description is very accurate. ‘insecurity’ always seems to be stressed in this topic and although this is a valid and frequent cause of jealousy lets not forget its’ polar opposite, ‘ego’. our partner’s sexual past can be arrogantly seen as a threat or even blow to our pride and ego. often we are unconciously being so selfish and egotistical that we harbor resentment for our partner for having the audacity to have any sexual activity before us, despite how many we may or may not have had ourselves. sounds silly i know, but trust me, these things are at work in our mind and they all have an important biological function at their root which is basically a primitive ingrained program to to be territorial, fight if need be, and pass on our own genes. see it for what it is, a biological program causing anger and aggression against a threat that does not even exist anymore. there is no one in front of us trying to make advances on our partner. they are in the past. they are ghosts. he or she is with u now. enjoy them and your relationship.

  24. Angela says:

    Nice to know I am not alone in my thoughts. Love my bf to pieces but struggle with his very wild life before me…..

  25. karki says:

    such a nice suggestion…words are less to express my thanx to u…really helped me…god bless u dear…

  26. Jennifer says:

    @laura – In my situation, my husband did not contract an STD, nor did he ever have a one night stand with someone he did not know. However, when my jealousy was at it’s worst, I did find myself disgusted with his past once. If you have sex with your boyfriend, be sure to make sure he is tested for STDs and use protection to keep yourself safe.

  27. Jennifer says:

    @wny – No, I do not find it strange that virginity is a dealbreaker for some people because I used to be somewhat similar. I used to only consider other virgins or people who had only had sex in relationships when it came to my dating pool, and they were few and far between with all people I knew and were very familiar with. I never wanted to date someone who was a “womanizer” or someone who had slept with more people than they knew of. So I can definitely understand the mindset of someone who wants something similar.

    My only concern is when people judge non-virgins and assume that they are all whores or something. While some of them might exhibit whore-like behavior, not all non-virgins are bad. If you don’t want a non-virgin that’s totally fine, just don’t judge them.

  28. Jennifer says:

    @Paul, @Angela, @Karki :

    Thank you for your comments and your kind words!

    @c.mane :

    That’s a great way to phrase it as well. The insecurities are what cause the majority of the jealousy and I think your point about egos is very good, and is definitely a contributing factor.

  29. Dan says:

    Retroactive jealouy has recently taken over my life. My girlfriend of four years knew I never wanted to hear anything about her past because I had told her many, many times not to say anything. She liked talking about past experiences when we first met and I had to constantly remind her not to say that stuff.
    Then one day four years into the relationship she felt so guilty for keeping her past from me that she told me every detail about every guy she had ever been with and I stupidly sat there and listened even though I knew once what she had told me sunk in it would destroy me.

    Now I constanly blame her for hurting me so badly by telling me something I told her never to talk to me about. I have visions of my girlfriend naked having sex with other guys one guy in paticular hurts to think about because I know him and its painfully easy to think about him having sex with her. My stomach is in knots and sometimes I go days without eating.
    She gets angry with me for being sad and angry even though she caused these sad feelings.

    We broke up for three days and the second I left her place I felt free and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I was finally able to forget about the jealousy and be happy about finding a future partner but she begged me to get back with her and I stupidly did and now I’m right back to the jealous feelings of anger, pain and resentment.

  30. Angela says:

    I can understand how it takes over a persons life. I am taking steps to ensure it doesn’t take over mine, by trying to think positively and do a lot more physical exercise to feel better about me’ and to look better too. . My partner is abroad currently – only for a week – and I would be lying if I said that there hadn’t been a few negative thoughts running around my head, as he lived where he is now for 3 years as a single guy. I have promised myself that on his return I won’t ask him hundreds of questions, as that will show jealousy and insecurity. I do trust him and he will tell me what he wants me’ to know. I think our minds can be our very worst enemies – sometimes. Wish me luck!

  31. Happy when sailing says:

    I wish you lots and lots of luck. Col.

  32. VB says:

    I was never jealous like I am now until I met the guy I’m with today. When something comes up about his past, like it did last night, or he says another woman is “hot”, I feel on the verge of homicidal/suicidal. Of course I would never act on those feelings, but I was up all night thinking about this situation and I have lost so many nights sleep over things like this. I can’t eat, sleep or be social, all I do when something like that comes up is obsess… I know this isnt normal. Ive had multiple partners and so has he. I’m young, 21, but this is ruining my life…I wish I was 16 again, safe in rehab before I knew what it was like to be emotionally invested in someone–& therefore not knowing the jealousy and outrage that can come regarding the past. I feel so unstable, years of therapy have not helped, self help programs, church, things to boost my self esteem. Nothing. I’ve tried to cool myself down & remind myself that he’s with me now, but it gives me little peace. Maybe I’m not meant for relationships. I just want to be normal, and not feel so out of control.

  33. Peacock says:

    Very, very good! Nearly, if not dead on to how I have been feeling. It is the toughest part to get past it, but once you do… It makes life so much better and happier.

    But… For me it did come back because my partner works with that person. Daily, in a close role. Sometimes in office with others, sometimes not. Any suggestions?

  34. Angela says:

    What I can’t understand, is that when I feel even slightly upset or inferior, my heart beat increases dramatically, almost like I am having a panic attack – this part I hate the most because I don’t seem to be able to control it :-( Angela

  35. Clare says:

    Today is my 6 month anniversary with a man I absolutely adore. We are both ‘non-waiters’ and since we were friends for almost a year before we got together, we both knew a lot about each other’s pasts and were comfortable with them. However, he once had a drunk casual sexual experience with someone he had known for a while, and who was a virgin. This never bothered me because it happened when we were just friends and at the time I was just curious to know what had happened.
    But two days ago an intense bout of jealousy overcame me very suddenly and I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened, why it had happened and imagining the situation and what the feelings were surrounding the experience.
    I decided to be honest to him about what I was thinking about it, although I knew it would be unfair to him since he’d done nothing wrong and had himself admitted regretting his actions. I didn’t feel immediately better about it because in my heart I wanted him to say it was a stupid thing to do, but he was honest and said that it wasn’t the worst thing he could have done at the time (which in my head I agree with). I knew all my feelings were completely irrational and I had such a battle between my logical thoughts and my jealous feelings.
    I feel like I have mostly overcome these feelings, even though I know it will take time for me to stop thinking about it at random times of the day. It helped for me to write a letter to myself explaining what I felt about him, how he would feel if I kept letting this bother me, and admitting that I would probably do the same sort of thing if I had ever been single for an extended period of time. I know it didn’t mean anything special to him without even having to ask and I also know he should not have to feel bad about doing nothing wrong.
    The feelings of jealousy were/are most abundant when I’m not around him, which is also when I feel most insecure. Thanks to facebook and texting, people expect constant communication and read into text so much, which complicates everything. And I think in this age where plenty of people are having sex before marriage, and are having more frequent and acceptable casual sex, our expectations of our partners and their past are confusing, especially because our experience is often very different to our parent’s so we don’t have examples to learn from.
    Mostly I think I just want him to be only /mine/, and it might be a possessiveness thing that runs in my family. My sister has had plenty of casual sex, but is now with a man who was a virgin before he met her. She says she doesn’t want to admit it because it’s hypocritical, but she likes the feeling that he’s all hers.
    I just have to know that despite his past, he is all mine because he loves me very much.
    Don’t let irrational feelings overtake your logical mind – try to tease out the situation in a systematic way and especially think about their own feelings and how it’s unfair to be judgmental when they’ve done nothing wrong.

  36. Clare says:

    (And I know this is ‘waiting till’ – which obviously doesn’t apply to me, but I just wanted to show that jealousy can happen in any relationship, even one where the two partner’s sexual past isn’t all that different)

  37. Cenizas says:

    Ther are lots of positive things said here in this article and in the comments. I married a non waiter who grew up in the same religious culture as I did where we are supposed to wait. Not waiting is, in our beliefs, a pretty serious offense.

    Her past includes 6 partners in a two year period, and then a self realization that she was not happy. We met about 6 months after that. I know everything about her experiences, motives, and sorrow for what she did. Of course this hurt, but we married and have been so for 14 years. During this time, she has been an incredible wife and partner. There is absolutely no insecurity about her feelings for me and how different they are from anything from past. She says all the right things, done all the right things, and has been more than patient about my challenges about her past.

    I can truly say I forgive her and know that it should be irrelevant to our current relationship. But, for the last 4 years not.a day has passed that I haven’t envisioned her with someone else. The images are graphic and constant. I have them as soon as my alarm clock goes off. They are torturous in everyway. I have been on depression mess for a while but I don’t think is the right thing for me. I’m ok with the fasct that all that happened, I just want to stop thinking about it. I really do think I have some mental health issues. Gotta get this under control formher, the kids, and me.

  38. J.UA says:

    Thank you. That’s all I gotta say. Thank you.

  39. Code says:

    I thought I was the only one feeling this way! I have been with my wife for 20 years, we got together when we were in our early 20’s. She has had a few partners and I have only been with her. Even now after all this time I have jealous thoughts when we are together in bed. I wonder how I compare to her other partners which is crazy I know but I cannot help the thoughts running through my head!

    I try to deal with it and it goes away for a while but then comes back causing me to get down and angry with my wife. I have tried to discuss it with her but she does not like talking about it. I guess I will need to find a way of wiping these from my mind once and for all! Maybe one day I will be free from this thing that eats me inside?

  40. Nay says:

    @ Jennifer and all who willing to give me advice

    After reading the article and comments , I realize that the problem is me , not my newly wedded and amazing wife nor her past .I am 23. Plz try to read my problem and judge me and give me some advice. My problem is that I live in an environment that says I am too dumb to marry her. She was in love with this guy who would destroy women’s virginities and left these women . It’s not like I am jealous of him or anything . If compare myself to him , my environment and my wife believe that I am better at anything , I mean by the looks, personality, education , anything you name it except his parents are rich people . I can guarantee that she loves me so much and she is totally over this guy . But everytime I make love to her , I picture her being pleasured by that guy in my head . But I am sure that she have never had the pleasures with anyone which she had with me .but I sometimes think I am too good to be with her. I hate the fact she was with him before she met me. I really hate him and the environment . I even think of torturing and killing him in my basement to make myself feel better or myself committing suicide . I have been in pain because of this for two years since I fell in love with her . Before I am married to her , I tried to break up with her many times for this reason. But I couldn’t do it knowing the fact she loves me so much and I feel the same way.
    Now I am embarrassed to go out and face the environment . I wish my awful thoughts and pain go away already and spent the rest of my life with her happily .I don’t want the stupid environment and my stupid ruin our relationship .
    Please HELP!

  41. Nay says:

    Please read my comment above . I live in a small town , in Myanmar @ Burma where the religion and cultures are really strict .

  42. Nay says:

    Please HELP ! I am really miserable and in pain now . I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life in this way . She is carrying my baby and I really do love her . why can’t I still let go of these feelings ? I know it’s no one’s fault but my own. Please HELP !

  43. Alison says:

    Nay, go to, I hope you will find guidance there.

  44. The Man Without A Past says:

    How to get over your partner’s past?

    Here is a great way:

    Don’t marry somebody with a past.

    Stay virgin until marriage and marry only a virgin.

    Never divorce except in extreme cases.

    If it’s too late for you… teach your children these values, so they won’t make your mistakes.

    Until people worldwide live by these rules… enjoy palliative remedies.

  45. The Man Without A Past says:

    I almost forgot. My advice was aimed at a worldwide audience, and not to someone in particular.

    To all who can apply my said advice… Excellent. Very well done.

    To all who can’t, I say… Good luck to you anyway.

  46. Carlos says:

    hey jennifer i truly need your help. I tried looking for your email or how to pm you but i failed. Is it possible you could email me

  47. cassie says:

    Thankyou. This made a lot of sense. But in my situation I’m more jealous if the person they simply hung out with. Movies , dinner etc. Nothing sexual. And I see this person on occasion. Why does that bother me? Bothers me more then the sexual ones .

  48. Advice needed says:

    What if there was never a sexual relationship but your partner is still upset and very much dislikes the ex?? Im completely over the ex but seems to always get brought up or one mention of it and the whole day is ruined. Im engaged and very excited to marry who im with but feel this repetitive argument about my past will ruin our future

  49. Sarah says:

    What if his past crush is one of my best friends? How to get rid the negative thoughts that come up when we hang out together? With my boyfriend along. I really need your opinion. Thank you Jennifer :)

  50. Jen says:

    My jealousy issue is compounded…I was in a 20+ year marriage that I emerged from at 39. My now partner, 50 at the time we met, had been single for almost 25 years. I am thr first woman he has lived with since the demise of his 7 year marriage at the age of 27.
    He did not understand the necessity of eradicating certain items from the household (his) before cohabitatng…the result is I have inadvertantly been exposed to photos of ex-girlfiends unclothed, scores of photos of ex-girlfriends when they were together, had opportunity to read love letter and emails from the past (not snoooping-shared computer).
    In addition, for the first year if our now 3 year relationship he made several tasteless comments to me about his past: examples are about how he visited a lingerie store while on business and, although he did not enjoy the experience, “it was worth it”…how, although he prefers breasts larger than mine, he’s glad I at least have “large n!pples”…etc,further to follow.
    Then he began suffering from erectile dysfuntion issues-I was told not to worry, it had occurred in the past, but the woman he was seeing was patient and instead taught her how the handle her needs and, as a result of that patience & atention, his erections returned.
    We have not had intercourse in almost two years, and I am forever feeling like I am a failure as I am unable to “solve” the problem, whereas “she” did.
    We have talked openly about the mistakes he has made with me in the past & he is genuinely sorry but I simply do not know how to “forget” the callous statements of “unsee” the nude photos. I am now terribly insecure.

  51. Paul says:

    For me the issues start when I begin to ‘intellectualize’ the jealousy, as in, accept that i SHOULD be jealous, that her past is abnormal.. which is nonsense.

    But then I remember that she chose me, she enjoys sex with me, and cares for me.

    But even so, she sometimes drops some clangers on me.. once she told me she was thinking of writing a book about her sexual experiences! This haunts me to this day! What a line…. In her defense, I never told her about my ‘mental illness’, but she knows now, and I think she understood vividly when she told me about how her and a friend used to randomly ‘fuck dudes in threesomes’.. and I had to sit in the bathroom alone for a while and absorb that nursing a large bottle of whiskey. I then reappeared and told her I had got over it, and lets continue the night.

    But the funny thing is, I have had a lot of sexual partners, been in threesomes, and had plenty of one nighters. I know I satisfy her in bed very easily (never experienced a girl who cums from penetration so quickly before), so in my case, it is not ‘envy’. I feel no envy to the other men, because I’m the one she’s in bed with at the end of the day. I feel a sense of pride that I’m the one taking her home, because I know a lot of men want to be with her. I think this is also a part of the problem. I feel a male pride about her being ‘mine’ so the thought of her being other mens, even in the past… grates on me.

    I’ve tried to understand what it is, and I think a part of it is I find men’s bodies disgusting, especially penises. Just the thought of a penis going near her (thats not mine) makes me physically nauseous… It feels ‘dirty’ to me… it’s horrible. I suppose it is like how homophobic people feel about homosexual male sex? They are just disgusted by it…

    And also strangely, if she got with another girl, thats totally fine. I told her she can do that whenever she wants (shes bi) as long as I get to watch or join in.

    I accept I have a problem. i know it’s irrational, and ridiculous. I think accepting it is stupid will help. Whilst it is normal to feel jealousy, it is a ‘handicap’ in the same way getting a twitch on your arm… it’s a strange evolutionary mix up that has confused protecting your genome by being territorial with your ‘mate,s’ sexual monogamy in the present, but applied the feeling into the past, probably based on your imagination. Being jealous of your sexual partner’s past is obviously a evolutionary mix up, if we’re going to get technical. Just like having a tail bone, or an appendix, or being frightened of the dark.

    once you accept it is not of any benefit to you, i think you can start to move on. She’s a lovely chick, caring, sexy, and I’m convinced I can trust her… ok.. I did once get suspicious and look into her messages to one particular guy, and all she talked about was me.. how we met etc.. He was bummed because he wasn’t getting anymore dirty pics, although he still tried bless him.

    not really well structured, but I was presenting one thought at a time.

  52. Jen says:

    I really am hoping someone here will read my post & offer me some advice-I fear I am verging on obsession now & desperately want to stop it :(

  53. Still_hurting says:

    I’ve been married for more than 30 years, and still jealous of the boyfriend that got her virginity. I grew up thinking girls had to be a virgin to marry a good man. I had opportunities to take my friends virginities, but talked them into waiting until marriage. I found out later she was not a virgin, and I loved her so much, I thought I just get over it. Well it’s been more than 30 years and I still torture myself, all of a sudden the thoughts get in my head; when I’m driving home from work, when I wake up in the morning, I never know when the thought will come over me and make me feel like crap. I wish I didn’t love her so I could walk away from her, but she is the nicest wife in the world, she is kind, never flirts, or does anything to provoke my jealousy, it’s all deep inside me. I buy her flowers, perfumes, cars, anything she wants, I’m always trying to make her happy, and she does the same for me, but sometimes when I’m alone, the weird feeling just takes me over. I guess is my curse, I will live the rest of my life having miserable moments, the price I’ll have to pay for being jealous.
    This is the first time I tell or write anything about this

  54. 50FirstDates says:

    It scares me to read that many people here have been married for 20 to 30+ years and have yet to overcome this issue. As I sit here alone reading these comments i’m starting to think if it would be worth being miserable for the rest of my life. I met my wife while in high school, and after knowing she had a previous boyfriend who took her virginity and was sexually active with for over a year before meeting me, I still decided to move forward with our relationship. She was my first and has been my only for about nine years now. Now more than ever and for the last two years it has been eating away at me like never before. There isn’t one day that goes by that i don’t think of her with that POS loser that means nothing to her. I love her more than anything, we even have three beautiful babies, i swear i have the greatest life, except this one thing that eats away at my soul. its gotten to the point of depression that I’ve become antisocial and I’ve really shut myself away from family and friends. My depression has to be stemming from this, as every other aspect of my life is perfect. I’ve told her several times about my feelings and have even degraded her for it, immediately after I feel absolutely horrible, which just adds to my misery. I know for many who have never experienced this feeling would simply suggest move on or its none of your business, but I am truly hurting inside and there have been times that I have thought about leaving, but would good would it do, especially for my babies. I love her, but as hard as it would be should I leave if its killing me? Would it be unfair to her if I stayed? Am i wasting her time, or mine? I don’t know what to do, how do you deal with these feelings for over 30 years?

  55. Andra Leigh says:

    I have continuing to struggle with him having oral sex with his ex. He didn’t tell me for almost a year. Some days I don’t think of it at all, other days it’s all I can think of. I am still a virgin, and waited for that special someone. I felt like something that had been stolen from me. I do not think that I will ever be completely healed, because he can not take it back. But I love him, and want to be with him forever. That’s enough for me

  56. Still_hurting says:

    Andra, Andra, he cheated for a year, he looked at you in the evening, like nothing happen, and carry out himself like he was doing the right thing, once a cheater always a cheater, find someone that deserves you. I know I’m not supposed to interfere with other people business, but you save yourself for marriage and he doesn’t value that, he will never be fair to you, show some pride, you will never forget what he has done, you will be a 70 year old still thinking about it and not knowing if he got oral sex before he got home. You will always remember, I do.

    Back to me now, writing about it here did help, knowing that others go
    through what i’m going makes me sad, I wish nobody else would have this desease. I don’t know if there’s a cure. I don’t know who you have to marry so you would be happy and not have jealous feelings. A jealous person can always find something to be jealous about, we are good at it, we can find something to be jealous on every single partner.
    Sometimes when I start having the jealous moments, I pray, and ask God to help me cope, I don’t want to be ugly and say mean things, mean things about the past, that can’t be changed, I just have this feelings that she gave away something that should have been mine, something sacred, that will never be mine and she share with another man. I hate her right now, just thinking about it makes me not ever want to see her again, now I pause, I feel sad and betray, I just want to quit writing and go through the sorrow, the pain and anger, the jealous moment I’m having now, is like a depression, like crawling into a dark hole…

  57. Steve says:

    My wife has slept with 20 guys and is only 26 years old. I have only been with one other girl and it makes me feel so insecure and pathetic sometimes. The sex we have is amazing, I can’t get enough! And she is a perfect wife.. I just wish she had not made these mistakes as she regrets them too….

  58. Reel Man, Saltwater says:

    Be a man and love your woman or find someone else, but stop talking about her, she didn’t do anything wrong, you are the one that needs the help.

  59. Qwerty says:

    My girlfriend who I am very soon going to make my fiancé is a virgin an I believe that 100% she has had other relationships with guys that cheated on her and made her feel like crap. It bothers me that she has loved other guys before me that she claimed to be “true love” which I believe they might have been but sometimes she says that they were only crushes. These guys forced her to do other a couple of things she says she didn’t want to do and the fact these guys are that low to force her against her will to do things so that can get come pleasure makes me scared for them about what I would do to them if they ever crossed mine and my partners paths.
    I have depression which for years when I was younger was moderately suicidal as I use to cut and burn my arms. It’s started to get better but when I started to get jealous that my girlfriend has loved other people it was come back and I feel it has been the worst it’s been since I use to cut myself.
    Our storie is that I asked her if there was anything she would regret if the world would end and she told me being a virgin is one thing she would regret not loosing it. at the moment she said that I instantly fell in live with this woman more so than I already was. Because all her life guys and her friends have told
    Her that girls are worthless to guys not having any sexual experiance she apparently made up some things that she did, I was disgusted by all these things she said she did that I found out never happend and I find it hard to believe things she says now since her past is getting more and more innocent to the point that there is two incidents where she was forced to do things for all up a shorter time it takes me to have a cigarette. So all up they took less than a minute between them both from what she says. These things that I’m soo jealous about is the smallest things and I know that she felt uncomfortable and she didn’t at all want them to happen ( she has wanted to save her body and herself for the future guy that she marries which I am almost certain will be me) she tells me she wasn’t sexually attracted to her past crushes but I can’t be sure that she is entirely truthful since our whole relationship has been riddled with lies.
    I have never had a girlfriend since I was so depressed through school girls
    Found out about my “illness” and saw my scars and didn’t want anything to do with me. When she told me the apparently stories that never happened I felt worthless enough to randomly have sex with a girl before me
    And my partner started our relationship so now my partner has given me her vaginity and her entire body ( no one has ever seen her fully naked body or has ever touched her body in any sexual way as she has told me which makes me very honoured) and I couldn’t do the same by giving hery vaginity because I was in the verge of killing myself ever being alone my whole life. I feel even more pathetic now than when I was a virgin.
    This woman is the most amazing woman I have ever know and that is hard for me to find since iv shut my self away from women because they have treated me like sh*t my whole life.
    I know this website is for people in relationships with non virgins but I can’t get the jealous feeling away even though she has not willing had any sexual experiances and I would not even call the things she was forced to do as sexual experiances just uncomfortable situations she was put in by the POS guys that tricked her into
    Loving them before cheating on her for not giving them her virginity
    After hearing everyone’s stories I realise that I can actually get over my jealousy that she has loved other guys since I actually have her virginity I feel it will be a lot easier but with the help of this community o think we can all get through this.
    Thank you for making this website, maybe one day I will stop cutting my body and get rid of this depression and me and my partner can have a happy marriage.

  60. brandon kautz says:

    Very good article. Wish I had it years ago. There r times I feel sad that I let my gf go because of her not being a virgin. Very sad. Because she was great in every other way. But I still have the hope and thought of new love where this won’t b an issue for me. Hard enough to b married without going in with this baggage in my opinion. I know now that for me to give myself completely and to love completely she must b a virgin. Hopefully it will happen someday but if not,things could b worse:)

  61. Hannah says:

    We are expecting a child in 2 weeks. I usually don’t care about his past. But with all the weights I gained, I feel extremely insecure. Then today he was talking on the phone with his friend and bragging about his sexual history, about all the extremely hot girl he dated and had sex with while I was right behind him. He acts like I’m not even there or my feeling doesn’t exsist. He even said tha he is talking to this girl at work about her sex life with her bf and they really go into details about it. I tried to satisfied his need whenever I could, but I’m just tired from the pregnancy and I’m not as good looking as I used to be 9 months ago. This is killing me inside that he can say stuff like that straight into my face without a second thought. I know he would never cheat on me, but it still hurts so bad.

  62. Mike says:

    My girlfriend was my first kiss. but i wasn’t near her first sexual partner. I can’t help these feelings of jealousy. I know I’m better than any of her old partners. I’m the first guy she’s ever said I love you to and 3 months into the relationship she said she can’t imagine a future without me. I even gave her her first orgasm when she thought that it was impossible for her to have one. Even though i think we’re perfect I can’t help these feelings from coming up. i keep feeling jealous. even sometimes when she goes out to hang out with new friends that i don’t know. even if they’re not guys. This was a briliant article but I still feel like i need something in order to truly believe what i already know

  63. wife says:

    I came across this article when I tried to Google if anybody is jealous of their partners ex. I feel so weird sometimes for being jealous. But sometimes the feelings just come at me. He was my first. But I was not his. For the past 18 years I have been struggling with the jealousy. I sometimes think that if were in the same playing field I would know what having an ex feels like and would not be so jealous myself. But I do not know. He had a sexual relations and nothing deep with a girl before me. We were each others first emotional and serious relationships. But I sometimes do not completely believe what he tells me and have my doubts.

    I thought I was over it because I struggled with it when we were younger. Now it came back. I wonder if it is the devil talking in my ear so that I wont be happy. I thought I was weird but it seems other people struggle the same.

  64. Jennifer says:

    I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments regarding the article and I hope that it has been able to help those struggling with jealousy.

    I see there are people who struggle with jealousy for years. To be blunt, the best way to help yourself get over it is to imagine your life without that person. Imagine if they died tomorrow. Would you not regret all the needless time that you WASTED being jealous?

    I knew I would. That stopped the jealousy cold in it’s tracks. If you TRULY love them, and I mean unconditional love, then the jealousy will go away. If you hate them for it, I don’t know how you can combat that. Letting the relationship go is a possible option.

  65. Angela says:

    Well said Jennifer and words that I apply to my thoughts when jealousy strikes me! Thank you for summarising it!

  66. Luke says:

    Hello Jennifer,

    Is it possible to talk to you? I’m struggling very much with jealousy about my partners past. Since you have gone through the same, your advice would help greatly.


  67. scarlet says:

    This is a great article. I came across is via search engine; I was trying to find ways to further forgive my spouse for his vast sexual past, before we met. When we met, I was 17 and he was 21. I was a virgin and he had 5 years and 26 girls worth of experience. Because I was very physically confident and head over heels in love with him, his past did not bother me much and when it did I used it as motivation to strive to be better than any girl he had ever been with. I was successful in this, as he told me numerous times and in different ways how much more I meant to him and how much better I was than anyone he had ever met, both in and out of the bedroom. Now, flash forward 9 solid years and a baby later… We are happily married with a continually great sex life but I’m not in the shape I was when we were first together (which makes me feel insecure) and I’ve heard many details that’s he’s been kind enough to share with me when I have asked about his past. I know more than I should, which leaves me with a lot of jealousy. It has given me feelings of wanting to know what it’s like to have a one night stand or multiple partners just so I can understand why he was the way he was. Alas, we are different people and likely wouldn’t see those the same way, plus I am committed and happy enough to never dare act on such feelings. I do agree with this article and I find it very helpful. But the fact remains, I love my husband more than words could ever begin to describe but I honestly feel like it will always be an uphill battle that I will have within myself, getting over his past. Have I accepted it? Absolutely. Is it possible to get over it? I honestly don’t think so but hope I’m wrong.

  68. CJ says:

    My husband has baggage. He slept with a LOT of women before meeting me and somewhere along the way contracted an non-life threatening STD. I was a virgin before him. We are happily married and have been together for over 8 years. But I have since contracted the STD that is a constant reminder of his sexual past. He is the most amazing lover, most supportive best friend, most committed spouse and most dedicated father; he is the most amazing man I have ever met and there is no doubt in my mind that there is anyone else in existence a better fit for me. Thus, I take the baggage and deal with it myself. No one is perfect and the only thing keeping him from being perfect in my eyes is his sexual history. I think it’s worth it in the long run because our gains are stronger than his past. But, I will admit wholeheartedly that I still remain jealous of his past, insecure because of it and emotionally torn up at times because those choices he made before he knew me still affect me today. It was before he knew me though. And I just keep reminding myself of that.

  69. Angela says:

    Yes that’s exactly right. Does anyone on here struggle with Facebook? That is one of my anxieties, even though I trust my partner!

  70. Vicky says:

    What if he still has pictures of ALL his ex? Should my jealousy get rid of them, even if the steam back to his high school years??? I would hate to be compared!!! And even more so… Have him remember of what he had verses what he has?

  71. Vicky says:

    After reading all the feedback I feel like I should explain a bit more to get a quicker response. I starteded a realaship in my late teen, had two kids with this person. After 14 together realized I was a different person age 18-32. Meet someone else in a gym, wanted to pursue that……….. The father of my kids then took his life….. As I dealt with that…. The guy I pursued, 2 months later moved someone else in(the new girlfriend) a year later, we realized we wanted to be with each other…. But I feel my jealousy comes from the woman he moved in while I was in mourning for The father of my kids and my kids & taking care of them. I feel she was more important then what I was going through….. Years later… We are now engaged and I can’t let it go????

  72. Maria says:

    I was veery unhappy because of my jealousy, and the worst part-I felt like a victim,like he was making fun of me and using me! For everyone who thinks that,especially if EVERYONE tells you that it is not real,that it’s in your head-they are most probably right. In my case both my and his friends were telling me that I have to stop with it.
    Once again,thank you so much for saving my relationship!

  73. nicolene says:

    hi Jen.thanks for sharing with us to help each other.I agree with all that you said..but I wish you could’ve went further in exploring your partner’s feelings during the time you were struggling with jealous emotions. my husband is still struggling even after talks and reassurance from me.we both have pasts that we don’t like about each other..and for me I got over the jealous feelings by accepting his past in that I was not in his life by that time.I understand his hurt but I can’t live my present life with my past, I get tired of always explaining my past experiences.for example he says he imagines all we are doing together in our marriage with what I might have done with my previous partner, how can I explain things like that everytime when he is jealous.I want to support him but I get tired, judged and not worthy anymore.

  74. Maria says:


    Thanks for writing this. It was really helpful in thinking through my feelings of jealousy. I know that it is irrational to feel jealous of a partner’s past but I don’t know how to stop these feelings of jealousy. There are completely random times when I start thinking of him with other people and extremely sad– it’s almost crippling. What were some ways that you were able work through your feelings in addition to appreciating the relationship you guys had? I really want to get over this and put these thoughts out of my head but can’t seem to.

  75. lilly says:

    in my case my ex is dead he found me a widow but he askes me of my sexual experiance with him . he knew everything before we got married. wats wrong now

  76. Jennifer says:

    Hey everyone, thanks for the positive feedback. I appreciate it and I’m very glad that I was able to help some of you!

    To those that ask for some more advice, I know this may sound cliche, but honestly time heals all wounds. You will find yourself in six months from now, feeling much better about the issue then you do now. If you’re worried about not having time left in the relationship, then I suggest communicating with your partner. It WILL help a lot if you both agree not to get upset at each other and to just listen to the other person.

  77. Elena says:

    guys, I have been dealing with the same problem and I came up with the idea of writing down some positive sides of your partner having a good time in past relationships sexually. It helped me. maybe it will help you too:

    1. If your partner is more experienced, try to look at it in a way that he/she knows well what to do, you don’t have to worry about that anymore. he can make you feel secure with his experience, BUT also try new, unique things with you, because we all know, every single experience IS unique!

    2. Progress is what matters. If your relationship is evolving over time and you feel progress, than no sense in worrying over his/her past. Even if you think that his/her past experiences are better than with you, with a little bit of communication and practice you will get there in no time! I assure you and you just have to believe me

    3. If you’re less experienced and your partner is “teaching” you stuff, it might create additional intimacy between you two. Because nothing feels better than seeing that you can be beneficial for your partner and you can bring some added value to her/his life. So, they might feel more attached to you once they know they’ve introduced you to whole new life. Also, of course you will feel attached to them and in total, more intimacy, as I said before.

    4. If your partner already had some crazy sexual stories, it means they feel fulfilled in that regard. They think they are mature enough to settle down with you because they had their share of craziness and irresponsible, thoughtless actions. You don’t have to worry anymore that they will be tempted for new, unknown experiences.

    5. If you already asked excessive questions about their past and they’ve been answering to the most of them, it already means they care a lot to bear your excessive jealousy and they are understanding, which is a rare thing.

    In conclusion, I think we should focus more on making our partners happier and focus on progress rather than clinging on past. What’s the best solution for the past that seems too good in your mind? Just try to be great for your partner, spoil them with surprises, midnight “wake ups” with some sexual tricks, try to play a bit and look at things with humor sense and look to the future. I hope, we can all manage this and not let our insecurities ruin our happy relationships.

    Fingers crossed! 😉

  78. MM says:

    Hi Jeniffer,

    I’m struggling with some similar issues. I’m married to the love of my life. We have been friends since we were four years old. However, the road to our relationship was a bit rocky. We both were in several relationships before making ours work. We have been married for just over a year.

    My wife has always been friends with her multiple exes. In my past relationships, exes were not something I dealt with well. I know that she no longer has feelings for her exes, but I still struggle to accept their friendship. I get crazy jealous when she talks with them on Facebook or through text messages. Again, I KNOW I have nothing to worry about. She has always been faithful and loyal, caring, loving, and completely devoted. I’ve talked to her about my feelings. That when we spend time with her exes or she is speaking with them, all I can think about the sex they have had together.

    One ex, the first person she was ever with romantically and sexually, and who she has been friends with longer than she dated, cut her out of their life when she married me because they were still hoping to have a romantic relationship with my wife. Recently, this ex has started drunk messaging her on Facebook about how he’s “broken” and such so that my wife feels bad for not choosing him. My wife has described to me the hurt and confusion she felt when this ex cut her out of his life because she didn’t realize the ex was hoping for more, when she didn’t want more anyway. She says she misses her ex as a friend and doesn’t want anything more, but the drunk messages still hurt her because they were friends longer than they were lovers.

    This is what is making me crazy insecure and jealous.

    When I talked to her about my feelings, she told me that she doesn’t even remember what the sex was like with them. That it no longer even crosses her mind and all that’s left there is just the friendship that comes from shared life experiences and closure. I understand that. I genuinely want her to have these friendships in her life. I know that my jealousy issues will push her away from me, if I can’t get over this.

    Your article has given me hope that I can overcome these feelings and be the supportive spouse that she needs. I already feel a bit better after talking with her about my fixation on her and her exes having sex. I hope that I can hold on to that feeling of peace when I feel myself start to slip slowly back into jealousy.


  79. Ellie says:

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year now and we’ve been living together for over 6 months. Everything is perfect except for the fact that he is so judgmental, harsh and even rude at times about my past. He comes from a very strict christian background that viewed sex before marriage as sin. (even though he isn’t practicing christian himself) He is a few years younger than me and I feel his views are very childish at times considering he wouldn’t want to give up having sex with me, and he has had 2 previous partners and feel that he would have been with just as many people has I had been by the time he was my age. He agrees with this, but still resorts to the argument “well I didn’t have sex with that many so it doesn’t matter, I only made 2 mistakes and I regret them.”

    He doesn’t have anyone in his family to talk about this issue with because all his older brothers are practicing christians, waited until marriage, and been with only one person. He recognizes that he wouldn’t want to be a husband to any of his sister in-laws regardless of their purity, but can’t handle the emotional concept that I once “belonged” to someone else. He loves me, and doesn’t want to be with anyone else, but sometimes its like a switch in his head and he is disgusted by my previous actions.

    He says it makes him sick to think of my last two relationships but he always brings it up. He even forces me to give him details that I feel are none of his business incase I’m hiding something. He found emails in my deleted box from ex boyfriends and reads them. He’s even read them out loud to me (to mock me) and then questions me on how I could possibly love him if I said these things to an ex. I don’t know how to tell him that I loved the last person I dated, but there are reasons why he is an ex. I try to be considerate of his feelings but when I put my foot down and say enough is enough and you are being inappropriate he gets angry. Afterwords, he always apologizes to me and says he was way out of line and knows he can’t change anything, but he can’t help how these feelings come over him. I’ve tried talking to him, and listening and being considerate of his feelings, but nothing seems to help.

    I feel he doesn’t trust me, which hurts, and I don’t want to be reminded about how shitty I SHOULD feel for having a bf before I dated him. But I honestly DON’T feel shitty because I feel I never would have met him if my past relationships never happened. I think he knows that I don’t feel bad, which doesn’t help either. I know he loves me and he says he wants to marry me, but I can’t unless he is able to love all of me, not by pretending I’ve only been his. I’m going to see if I can get him to read this article and I hope it helps him. If you have any further advice for me please feel free to give it.

  80. helpless girl says:

    Thank you for your article.
    It all makes sense but it’s aways hard to put into action.
    I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years and he’s completely in love with me also his first love. He’s 24 and I’m almost 25.
    Before him, i hav never dated, kissed, held hands with any guys. Although I’m Catholic, my religious values had nothing to do with my lack of relationship experience. It just happened that nothing ever happened between me and the guys i had crush on and I rejected the guys who asked me out because they weren’t my type.

    My boyfriend is still a Christian and he says he regrets what he did but his sexual past bothers me so much as well as his past in general.
    I’m showing symtoms of anxiey and depression and constantly thinking of ending the relationship

  81. lost :/ says:

    For two years now I have been harassing my man and questioning him exessively he sits and answers all my questions then asks of i feel lil better. He tells me we are done for the day asking questions. And continue tomorrow if i need a piece of mind. This man loves me . I have kids from previous relationship he adores me kids. Treats me like a queen and we are trying for a baby now. He also has my name tattood on his face on his cheeck in script letters makes me feel like he does love me cause no one elses name is on him. I never loved like this I just feel so obsessed with his past it makes me physically sick i have to question him all the time if it pops in my mind. He says they wasnt nothing they were trash compared to me ghat none of them could equal a quarter of me. He even answers questions while working if i txt him…… god hes so good to me. He says i need help and he will go through this with me to me that means alot. But for some reason i cant stop i feel so crazy and insane. But its because i love him. I hate knowing he pleased anyone or even got turned on by a lady. Ughh please help :(

  82. victoria says:

    wow amazing article….. made me think a great deal and definitely helped me :) thank you so much jennifer!

  83. Jessica says:

    I can’t thank you enough for this. I’ve felt so alone, hopeless, and ashamed of myself. Other advice columns I’ve read just criticize the jealous partner, and your words bring me so much comfort and make me feel like I’m taking the first real step to overcoming my jealousy issues. I will be returning to this whenever I need something that will uplift me. Thanks so much.

  84. Maria says:

    @Jessica> Yeah, me too. Every time I feel bad about my jelousy issue I come back here ,read this article,including the comments and I feel better :) GOOD LUCK everyone,I know how hard and paintful it is this actually,even if its not based on something realistic and it is just in our heads.

  85. Dimi says:

    Do you have some more practical advices on how to get over it besides talking and time? I am a virgin and my girl friend lived with a man for 1.5 year. And they had a lot of sex and since I have a very good imagination it is destroying me sometimes. I always compare myself to him and think I will never be as good as he was. And because he was the champ the had so much sex etc… But besides that she has everything I ever wanted so it would be the most horrible thing to loose her because of that. I am really willing to do anything to work that through. And thank you so much for this article!

  86. PieceOfMind says:

    Thank you for writing about your struggles. I have struggled with this for 18 years. Off and on, throughout relationships. My retroactive jealously has caused the end to more than one of my relationships. It has now become an issue once again. I have finally met the man of my dreams. He is without question, my match. I feel threatened by his ex for no real reason. He was not truthful and upfront about his situation when he met. This has, is, and continues to hinder our relationship. Events replay in my mind over and over again. It’s maddening. It’s constant and it’s debilitating. I simply have not been able to move past this. We have been together for a year and things just continue to worsen, due to my problem. I know if I do not overcome this I will lose the man I love. I just do not know how.

  87. Alejandro Sosa says:

    Piece of Mind sounds like my ex girlfriend

  88. ConfusedF says:

    Hello Jennifer,

    So my boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. When we met he had never dated anyone before, but didn’t seem to mind that I had several past relationships. I told him about my past at the beginning of the relationship, then I screwed up and changed it, but only because I added in people I had dated as well, and then realizing my mistake I told him the absolute truth about my past and was completely honest. He said he’d forgive me. But as time went by, he started becoming really judgemental, throwing out terrible accusations about how I might cheat, or that I’m somehow diseased. It drove me crazy because there was nothing to indicate that was true. He was starting to use my past against me. Then in order to try and clear up the accusations, he manipulated me into telling him even more details about my past. The judgement continued, and he found this article and another one on this site and showed it to me and I started to understand where he was coming from. But instead of trying to understand where I was coming from, and what I had gone through to get where I am, he would continue to ask questions that were hurtful, and he’d tell me that how I lived my life was just wrong. He would re-phrase question differently, but ask the same things, but I would answer them a little differently because they weren’t the exact same. Then all of a sudden I am labelled a liar. He again said he was trying really hard to get past this all and that it wasn’t my problem but something he had to deal with. But then he’d make it my problem everyday. I wanted to make it work, I wanted to move past it all but he eventually decided that he didn’t think he could get past it. I personally don’t think anyone has the right to tell you how many sexual partners is the right amount. He wasn’t religious, but told me that I have no respect for myself. I just don’t understand. He was honestly exactly what I was looking for, so sweet and kind, but became this jealous guy that judged me and hurt me. He couldn’t stop picturing me with other guys and told me I screwed with his head. I know I should move on because any guy that really loves you won’t treat you that way, they’ll accept your faults and realize your worth. I just hate that he says he regrets us and me. He said I was everything he was looking for, I was perfect but he didn’t like my past and it all made him not trust me. If you have any words of advice I’d love to hear it.

  89. Maria says:

    Hello :) First of all this is one of the best articles ever! congratulations, you really made your point and it helped at least for a few days(which is HUGE for me and my jealousy!). My problem is little bit different. I am with my bf for almost a year now.He’s been married for 8 years and had a son with this women,they have been divorced for more than 4 years. They talk only about their son,once a week, he sees his son on Sundays,for 3,4 hours and that is it. He was very honest and told me everything about his past,that was a mistake,he was young ect.But I am still having pics in my head of them as a family,and I hate when she calls(before she was terrible and anoying,in a few 2,3 months she stoped so she doesnt even call,he calls when he wants to know smth about his son).
    To sum up: We are really really in love,planning a futre together but i am sooo obsessing about his past life,and comparing EVERYTHING to it,and ofc his ex wife. Do you have some advice how to get it out of my sistem on a daily bases? cause even if im ok for a few days,it comes back always.
    I would really appreciate if you answer. Have a nice day :)
    p.s. sorry for my grammar,I am not american, I’m polish.

  90. Angelina says:

    I wish my husband read this article so bad, because im to the point of getting a divorce. His jelousy are driving me to be like him. I am very depressed for all of this, and sometimes i dont know what to do.

  91. Mike says:

    @Angelina – You’ve tried talking to him about this, right? Like, to the point of saying “Maybe you’re never going to get over this. Maybe I should just leave.” Have you done that? I think the silver bullet to severe jealousy problems is to force them to compare their jealousy against a more powerful worry (losing you entirely), and then the jealousy often shrinks (permanently) in that broader perspective. Tragically, if you actually divorce him I’ll bet he’ll get over his jealousy in an instant.

    If talking doesn’t work, try initiating an ambiguous break/separation. The ambiguity is key. Frame it in your mind as temporary, but don’t communicate that to him. Leave it open to interpretation so the same neurosis that drives him to jealousy starts obsessing on all the things he might have done wrong, and about all the future jealousy-inducing events that might occur if you divorce. Put off the “I’m leaving vibe” long enough for him to squirm and picture life without you. Then come back, under the condition that he stop harassing you about whatever he harasses you about. And then be back; work to forgive him so you can get on with they (hopefully happier) relationship.

    Again, the idea is to forcibly broaden his perspective. The above solution might be too severe and manipulative, but it might be worth trying before full-on divorce.

    And hey, why not link him to this article? It’s less effort than filing for divorce. Jenn might have more to add as well.

    P.S. – I don’t know if it’s sexual jealousy you’re dealing with, but for what it’s worth: Guys tend to more jealous about good sex, while girls tend to be more jealous about good love. You might think that “It was just sex. I didn’t love him/them.” is comforting (as it would be to you), but to him, that might sound worse.

  92. Esther says:

    I like your article, and congratulate you on being able to overcome this jealousy issue. I too, cannot accept being with someone who lost their virginity while mine was still intact, and still cannot accept today. It definitely involves jealousy, but I believe it is also a very natural response to all humans.

    We are born with the need for unconditional love and fidelity from our “other half” and thus in this messed up world many of those essential things we need for a healthy and productive long term relationship are tainted.

    It’s very unfortunate that many people nowadays fail to use their rationality to think through how their actions today will affect others in the future. That is what happens when a girl or a guy sleeps with someone whom you will eventually marry.

    They are robbing you of what ought to be a meaningful and perfect marriage and leaving you to work on the mess that they have done. Very irresponsible, very nasty and something that I disdain very much. That is why waiting till marriage is so important, it makes you a responsible person both towards yourself, your partner and towards others.

    The reason I cannot accept marrying someone who is not a virgin is not a mere issue of jealousy, it is due to a large number of researched and recorded issues that needs to be dealt with if your partner had an unpleasant and promiscuous past. Emotional baggage, trauma, tendency to infidelity are just some of the issues that can arise.

    I don’t want to enter into a relationship and marriage that is so problematic that I can’t go by a day without having to struggle in my thoughts and emotions about the issues my partner has because of his past. Neither do I want to live every day trying to fight thoughts of jealousy/anger/bitterness. This just isn’t what I want or look for. I have had difficult times since childhood, and I want to have a marriage that is at least near perfection.

    I know this sounds kind of harsh, and I’m not saying everyone should follow my decision. But I do want to highlight that there are going to be issues that may ruin a relationship or at least affect the quality of your marriage due to sexual history of the other party. Therefore, we need to exercise control on our part that we do not become those who “rob people of what their partner could give” by sleeping casually around and decide what kind of relationship/marriage we want.

    People will have different standards and different requirements for their ideal spouse, the virgin shouldn’t hold onto a relationship and keep blaming the other party of their past, but neither should the non-virgin blame the virgin for not being accepting of his/her past. If you made the decision to give up your virginity knowing you will not marry that person, why can’t someone else make the decision not to be with you?

  93. IN PA says:

    my wife was a slut in the past that was her life then. live for now I was no angel growing up I banged my share of girls .we have been married for 20yrs and life is good. dont throw stones when u lived in a glass house also. the past is the past.let it go guys . use it to your good u might uncage an animal””

  94. Stelmara says:

    Impressed with how thoughtfully written your article is.
    So much one can relate to though as we know the feelings one has when jealousy gets a grip are all in the head and often not logical and maybe it’s only time that makes makes those dark feelings fade and hopefully vanish for good.
    I think for those that value sex and all that come with it will always suffer to some extent if their partner has been about and given themselves to many others, probably those that have a casual attitude towards sex don’t experience the horrid feelings that jealousy emits……….

  95. Anna says:

    My fiance has a history of casual relationships with multiple women and it’s something that I have really struggled with.

    When we were dating I convinced myself that I didn’t care.

    Now that we are engaged I feel an intense sense of being robbed. I feel like any intimacy we share is less special because it has been shared with other people.

    He has said that he didn’t care for those people and I just assume it was part of a male need to be with different women to try to gain self-esteem/ prove masculinity.

    I don’t know why I feel such resentment and anger about it. To me sex is and relationships are so special and meaningful I cannot contemplate how these things could be shared with just ‘anybody’.

    Although he tells me that he’s only ever loved me I feel like just one of many.

    Am I being overly insecure or is it natural for me to feel somewhat cheated?

  96. Flora says:

    This comment is for Anna…
    Anna, I am in exactly the same situation as you. I too am engaged to a wonderful man who has a shady past. Now that I know about his past, it really bothers me and I don’t really know how to get past these feelings.
    Maybe we can share stories. Let me know if you want my e-mail

    Jennifer, I loved your post as it was so enlightening for me to see that others share my feelings and point of view. Thank you and I wish you all the best


  97. Another Anna says:

    My name isn’t Anna however she has written my situation and sentiments to a T.

    Anna I think what we feel is natural. When God designed sex, It came with a blueprint bearing specific perameters because He knew how powerful sex is on every level, and how beautiful And rich and fulfilling He meant for it to be — between a man and woman who are in a covenant committed relationship with each other — inside of those boundaries is where that power and beauty and fulfillment can be safely expressed, exchanged, released, received, and contained. He wired us specifically to be able to handle the power if it in this setting only – monogamous relationship, where the two are committed, and have a proven love, and trust in ine another – no fear of the other leaving, or seeking another. Anywhere outside these bounds causes a mid-wiring in ones nobody and psyche and emotions. So as our fiances’ were at one time living a lifestyle which brought about a Mis-wiring, because WE are wired to only be able to handle and ultimately spark well with a partner whose wiring has been kept intact for us – not programmed or tampered with through experiences with others, now you and I are struggling with our wiring, and their wiring, trying to connect . Though they may have changed , coming away from that , realizing that was sin and lies, and been healed and ready for what is real and completely different , I believe we still suffer consequences. A clear example is if pregnancy occurs – you might change your ways after having had sex outside if marriage.. But you certainly still have a very real consequence of a baby on the way.

    I have struggled with resentment, worry, ruminating thoughts, immobilization (paralysis by anslysis if you will), anger and upset, bitterness, depression, frequent inner battles about moving forward in the relationship often feeling how is this supposed to work!, lots of tears, sadness , feeling miserable, finished self image and self esteem, isolation and seclusion because it feels like who can I confide in about this?, fears, difficulty feeling free to express myself in feminine or sexual-related ways even like painting my nails or having long hair (wondering what of painted nails or make up others already turned him on with, or that they had long hair too)… Running the gamut of thoughts wondering what and where and who and everything and it’s justca horrible torturous cycle. It hurts. It is degrading. It is utterly exhausting. Though my fiance is the most wonderful thoughtful sensitive caring loving attentive patient and forgiving Now-Christian man, I have struggled so much with this. I have particularly been feeling just empty, really empty. Cold and crusty. I have forgiven him and them. But I’m not experiencing freedom yet. Also the number of partners (girlfriends, one-night stands, including strangers) staggers me. I get ‘lost’ when I get to #2 let alone all the others. #2 because that was someone he chose to be with and it sounded like he had feelings . Never mind the trauma and anger in my mind about #1 who was an older teen who set things up so have sex with him ( he was Early teens). Man people haven’t a CLUE what they are doing . That was 27 years ago and look at the consequence. I, my fiance’s future wife, am suffering for some young chick’s schematic idea of casually using him for a sexual encounter. I know- she was probably a mixed up, broken girl, full of pains from a difficult upbringing of her own. For that I have compassion. But I’m still human and left here thinking of all these other women who are walking around and they have at least one memory of a sexual exchange with my fiance. How am I supposed to feel!!!!!!?!?

    This should be a time on my life I should be feeling joyful with warm fuzzies and expectations and anticipations of spending my life with my wonderful fiance. Someone said you have to stop looking through the small rearview window that is the past, because the view through the windshield to the future is wide open. True it is! Great analogy. So I tried that . But then guess what’s in my future, a wedding night and lifetime of wanting to enjoy sex with my husband…. And having waited 36 years for this to be all the special experience I have hoped for it to be…. But I’m fearing my feelings and excitement are diminished and my anticipation sunk, as I imagine when he will be in me, my mind is only going to be thinking how he was in this place with others and others felt this with him. Will I not feel like I’m just another one. My rightful pleasures are robbed. I won’t even go into it. It feels like these other people had all their fingers swirl and mess around in the icing on my cake. How good is the cake when the icing is already eaten.

    I am not saying my fiance hasn’t been forgiven, cleansed and restored because he has been. He is it the person he used to be. He is a new creation in Christ. He has experienced healing for the wounds of his childhood and relationship past.

    But I believe many of the difficult things he went though, became fresh wounds for me. I am hurting. The above are only a glimpse of thd troubling thoughts I have dealt with. I’ve been utterly tired so often. We have talked sbout it sometimes. But in general I know I need to not be bringing it up do much, and be careful not to reopen wounds for him that are already bound up and dealt with. So I Land up feeling stuck. I’m pretty sure I or we should get Counseling on this. I’m not good at relationships to begin with and do not carry many close relationships with other women and struggle with trusting to open up with them.

    I have wasted countless hours searching the internet for solace , others who understand, others who have successfully gotten through this, I’ve been back to the same articles at different times of struggle, probably 20 times in the last 3 years. Also lost tons of sleep. And my relationship with The Lord has not been where i’d like it to be. I find myself saying I don’t like myself. I feel my business has taking a hit through the course of my mental and emotional struggles over this. My housekeeping has regrettably taken a nosedive. I feel like I’ve really aged… Though thankfully I am frequently told by people who don’t knme I look way younger than i am.

    We otherwise have a great relationship, share many wonderful similar interests, enjoy each other’s company, spending time together, supporting one another in our vocational endeavours, and look forward to taking possession of our house soon, and preparing for our wedding just a few months away.

  98. My god says:

    Some of you people should see a pschiatrist. You are nuts!

  99. robert says:

    thank you I still have a long way to go I’m on my first step .

  100. S. says:

    My situation is a little different to those written here, but issues are the same.
    My long distance partner is from North America, a place as you write Angela, where casual sex isn’t really thought of as a big deal.
    I’m from a European country and as a Catholic girl, I believe in self respect and being in loving relationship to share sex. I don’t necessarily agree with no sex before marriage in this age (regardless of my Christian faith)

    I have had two long term relationships before meeting my current partner and had sex with both these men.
    My partner has had 26 sexual partners…I don’t know if he’s had three-somes, or anything, I don’t want to ask for fear of the answer and me not liking it, but I do know that he has had sex while other people have watched, a thought which makes me feel ill.

    When we see each other every four months or so, these feelings dissolve,I am happy and when we make love I never think of anything else but him and I, not about other girls or what he’s thinking or anything else. It’s great.

    Back home, I am a different person…not all the time, but sometimes. He has all these female ‘friends’ and to be honest, I don’t know if that’s all they are / were. On the phone once, he admitted that this daughter of a family friend and him were always thought by their parents, that they would end up together, and told me they had history…he also said he would still call her a friend. A lot of the people he follows on Instagram are pretty girls and I’ve seen him liking their pictures. I don’t know whether he’s had sex with them, but I feel sick when I see he’s liked them. It is weighing me down. When he goes out drinking he would text me the whole night, and being innocent tells me stories about what is happening. For example he text me last week “One of the girls think you look like such’n’such (a celeb look-a-like”). I felt a pang of real jealousy surge through me. Who is this girl?
    It is an insecure terrible and all-consuming feeling and it’s heightened by the fact that I’m not there with him, even on the same continent and I don’t know who he’s hanging out with. I trust him, but these are feelings I don’t know how to manage while we’re a part.

    I hate his past, I never thought in a million years I would find myself with someone who slept with so many people. I find it a huge turn off. But I love him deeply, and as mentioned before, this is the only part of him I do not love. And I cannot change that, but instead I have to accept it. I recently told him that I feel jealous of people he is in contact with, because I wish I could do the simple things like watch TV, go out with friends and cook a meal with him.
    Even his house mates gf, who practically lives with them is starting to annoy me. He talks about her quite a lot. I have never mentioned it to him because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy, but the other night he must have mentioned her name to me about 6 times and how great a cook she was…that shouldn’t bother me but it does.

    His ex gf is beautiful and has large breasts which I know he loves, he said something dumb and hurtful to me once over Skype (I have a small chest) and I have seen that he liked photos of her, from a long time ago, maybe when they were together, of her in bikinis and I just think ‘I can never look like that.’

    He loves me very much and wants a future with me. He told my parents that he is willing, once the time is right to emigrate to my country for me. He tells me I’m genuinely the most woman inside and out that he’s ever met, and yet still, I have these awful feelings. I feel physically sick, the world around me almost stops and I can’t eat.

    I have been hurt very badly in the past and I’m trying to give this man all my trust because he really wants it and is trying to earn it, but the distance and his past are huge obstacles in this for me.

    I’m glad I read most/all of the comments here, it helped me feel like I wasn’t alone in this….Good luck to everyone overcoming this. One step at a time I guess. Our imagination can be beautiful friend, but also an ugly enemy. xx

  101. Walt says:

    Hello, that is such a great article that you have written and I am trying to soak it all in. My problem is that I am recently married to a woman who i have known for most of my life, but we hadn’t talked for a very long period of time before we started dating via internet because I was overseas. Long story short. I spent the last 10months at home in between contracts, and that was the most time we have really spent together at one period of time even though we Skype everyday. I am very inexperienced with sex prior to her due to being overweight my whole life. She had always dated very thin guys and ended up dating/marrying a guy who is extremely FIT with sick pack and the whole works. I know details about their relationship and sex, only because i asked questions i probably shouldn’t have due to my own physical insecurities with all that. we had sex a lot while I was at home, but she never really seemed to have much of a sex drive and doesn’t think about it as much as I do. She pulled the I’m too tired from work card a lot or I’m not feeling good card etc…. it made me feel that she is not attracted to me and doesn’t want to rip my clothes off like i want to do to her. i have serious jealousy and insecurities with all this now. I want to know how she was before, she had multiple partners before and was going through some very hard times which I can’t explain on here. Beside the multiple extremely thin guys and the muscle guy she married, I did find out that she had anal sex with him, but she will not do it with me because she said it hurt so bad. whether it did or not, i don’t know if that is the real reason she doesn’t want to do it with me or not, or why she went through the pain of it with him and not me? I don’t know how to move on from all this. I love her with all my heart, and don’t want to lose her, but at the same time, I can’t being going on like this with all the images and stuff that go through my head. Keep in mind I’m 7,000miles away from her right now and she is coming out here in a month and a half. Thank you for any advice you can give.

  102. Chad says:

    I have read this article several times. I have needed to come back and read the encouraging words several times in my current relationship. I have had a very limited amount of partners and from a conversation very early on in iur dating I know my partner has had many more than I. I have struggled internally with irrational and unfair jealousy. She is an amazing woman and she would talk to me about what I’m struggling with. I don’t want to put her on the spot about anything because I love her and it really doesn’t matter. It’s really hard sometimes though. I can really feel so many of the commenters pain. It’s not fair to her that I would have an opinion about her sexual experiences before me. I tend to go back to Jennifer’s comment about how would I feel if she wasn’t around anymore. Crushed. She is amazing. That is how I need to think whenever I am feeling insecure and jealous. To me it is both the physical and emotional aspect of the sex too. I see how she responds to my body and my touch and I hate thinking that I am not special. That she felt these same or similar sexual feelings with others. Beyond the sexual feelings are the little inside jokes we share. They make me feel special and I know she must have shared those same type of things with other guys. It helps me to type this out and get it off my chest and to read it and see how immature and insecure I sound. Like Jennifer said it comes down to needing to feel special. That’s me. She makes me feel that way, but in weak moments I think about everyone else she had made feel that way. I should go. I will probably be back because I need some encouraging words on this front sometimes. Thank you for the open comments forum.

  103. Martin says:

    I just read through your FAQ and I must say I am very glad I did.
    Thank you!

  104. Mr Brightside says:

    Thank you for this.

    I have found the love of my life after so many years of pain and struggle and disappointment. Sometimes she mentions her ex-boyfriends casually and I immediately get these pictures in my head of them having sex with her and she enjoying it. Even though it was the past.

    I am extremely cynical and mostly a misanthrope. I have no love for the majority of the world or the people and their everyday bullshit. I have been cast out, either by them or of my own will, and in isolation I have festered in a growing hatred and hollowness.

    I’ve had a few sexual experiences in the past that all went horribly wrong in a downward spiral effect. So I have never had full on intercourse, only a series of mishaps and almost moments that ruined my relationships.

    The worst thing is I know I am wrong and I need to change. I fight a battle with myself every day, and it just never ends. I could be so much more. To be the man my love deserves, because she is such a beautiful soul.

    When I spend time with my her, I am the man I want to be. But her sexual past keeps bringing back the monster in me and my hate for the kind of superficial society that fucked me up in the first place. It feels like the only pure thing in my world is bearing their disease. I have never met or seen any of her exes, but I hate them for no reason. I feel like a psychopath.

    I just don’t want her to be anything like the women from my past, because they were all cruel and careless and ignorant of the fact. And I am down to my last. My love for her is the strongest thing I have ever felt and if I lose her, I won’t survive the aftermath.

    In any case, I discussed it with my partner on a few occasions. She hates talking about it, for all of the reasons mentioned in the article above and because her sanity is in better shape than mine. But somehow she understands my feelings. She even told me that she wishes I had been her first and only. The sentiment in itself means a lot to me. I also think I don’t want to know any more. I’m so unsure about it though. The situations in my mind are pretty bad, but would the details of the reality be better? Or just worse? I just need to stop thinking about it as soon as possible.

    I still believe that the part of me that is so terrified of my partner’s past is the same part of me that loves her so much for being the only one to ever reach into my secluded little world and pulling me out.

    We’ve been together for about a year now and I can really see us spending the rest of our lives together. I’m a much stronger and healthier person because of her. I know I still have some struggles ahead with the jealousy and all the other things in my head, but I know now I can never let it come between us, because I would just be sabotaging our relationship in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I don’t know why I’m writing this comment. Maybe it helps me process some extra thoughts. Maybe there’s someone out there who needs to read this.

    I refuse to destroy my last best hope at happiness and love because of past events that I can never ever change.

  105. hollz says:

    Wow guys. I had no idea other people felt this way. I was feeling like such a bad person for resenting my boyfriend. Here’s the short version:
    We have been friends/ known each other for about 5 years. I know he has had sexual partners in the past (one for sure) but other than that I haven’t asked and he hasn’t revealed any details. We’ve been together almost a year now. This wasn’t even an issue for me and it feels like overnight I have been overcome with hurt and sadness. I am a virgin and I’ve dreamt of the day when I could say to my future husband “I’ve waited for you”. I just crazily never thought I wouldn’t get the same in return. I didn’t expect necessarily to end up with a virgin but what I didn’t realize is all the feelings that come with it. He has completely turned his life around and I want to see him for the person he is NOW. And yes most of the time I do and it’s wonderful. But mostly at night when I have nothing but time to think is when so many thoughts creep in. After reading the article I think what bothers me the most is feeling like I was robbed of something I wanted and valued so much. Even forgiving doesn’t take the pain away because you know there’s a part of them that will forever be with those people. It doesn’t seem fair to me to be able to give all of myself when he isn’t. All these things are so completely irrational because I know talking about it, dwelling on it, etc. does nothing to feed into the jealousy. Should I tell him any of this? Would it do any good? I know he would feel guilty and horrible about it but a small part of me wants him too. Is this awful or what. Jealousy is really a horrible disease I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it really is not easy to move past. These stories of people going YEARS with it scares the living crap out of me. Me and my boyfriend talk about marriage and our life together all the time but I’m just soooo bothered by the fact that I wouldn’t be his first. I have so many emotions like anger, resentment, hurt, confusion, I don’t know how to deal with it I feel so alone. Knowing there’s other people out there does help. I want to move past it but how can your mind erase something? Not sure if it’s possible

    Any and all advice or stories similar helps!
    God bless

  106. Ms. Abercrombie says:

    It is so much helpful especially for me because I’m in a situation right now that I always get jealous every time we talk about our past experience and it burns my nerve, feeling, heart, mind and etc because he does have lots of sexual experience (complicated and married)before than me. He is my dream guy he loves me cares me respect me understand me and I don’t want to lose him. Thank you so much Jennifer and wish i can get over and move on soonest!

  107. Jealous Amy says:

    I recently found this article when having a surge of intense jealousy that often rears it’s ugly head at inopportune moments. I have never related more to a comments section in my life. I was brought to even more tears while reading some of the stories because they reflect my exact feelings. I also was extremely saddened by those 10+ years in a relationship still struggling with these feelings. It makes me think that I too will always feel extreme hurt and jealousy whenever I think about my boyfriend’s past.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is my first in almost everything. I was a virgin before our relationship and I knew that he had prior sexual experience we first had sex and he took my virginity, but I wasn’t aware of how extensive his experiences were until later on. He used to be, excuse the lewd term, a complete manwhore. He cannot even remember the number of women that he has slept with, and that bothers me so much. He has also had prior marriages. Before he knew how much I was bothered by his past, he used to tell me “funny” stories of his wild escapades with multiple women, one night stands, etc. He has an STD from one of these experiences.

    However, these experiences were far in his past. He is completely reformed and loves me with all his heart and does everything for me. I love him so much and I feel like he’s perfect for me, except for his past. Like others, when we have sex, sometimes I can’t help but think about him doing the same with so many other girls. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that he gave himself so freely to pretty much anyone who asked. Sex to me, who has only had sex with him, is such an incredibly emotional and special experience, and yet I think that he must not value it or me in the same way. It could be anyone underneath him and it would not matter. I think about how all these other women have had this same experience with him, have this memory of being with him, and it makes me feel like garbage. Like I’ve been robbed. This is supposed to be a special, one of a kind thing, and yet I feel like I’m just getting the leftovers. What value does it have when so many others have had the same thing?

    These thoughts are poisoning our relationship. It makes me feel disgusted by him and his past. Sometimes I have told him this but I feel bad about guilting him about things he cannot change. He reassures me and tells me that he loves me but I don’t feel like he really gets it. I also don’t feel like he truly regrets having these experiences, and it makes me feel awful that he doesn’t, and then bad for feeling that he SHOULD feel guilty about it. But I can’t help feeling that he should. I feel terrible all the time. I feel like if I wasn’t a virgin before him, I would be able to calm these feelings because I too would have had a past, but that is not the case. Like maybe if I had sex with as many men as he has women, he would be able to understand the jealousy that I feel. But then again, I know I wouldn’t feel right doing that because that’s just not the way I am, and that again makes me question whether we really share the same values deep down. I feel this part of our relationship is unfair, unbalanced, and nothing is able to quell these feelings, but at the same time I can’t picture life without him. If anyone has any advice for my particular situation, please share!

  108. Life student says:

    Wow! So many posts with a wide spectrum of life experiences, regrets, remorse, denial, rationalizing and cooping. For me, I waited but, my wife did not. She had a serious boyfriend in college leading to a very painful break-up. When we started getting serious, this prior relationship came up. Probably one of the most painful experiences in my life. I had to decide whether she was to be Mrs. Right or not. Over the years, there were several times were jealousy really took a very ugly turn where I was asked, “then why did you marry me?” There were time when I thought it would have been much easier to have someone else. After over 30+ years, I can still have passing regrets and jealousy; and, I know that she also has remorse from that first relationship. Despite that painful mistake, she is the very best person in my life and best woman I ever dated. Her qualities, faith and character are a beacon to our family and to those who work with her. You have to let go of the past and forgive. If you are unable to do that, it may be better for you to stand firm in your personal conviction to only marry a virgin. The life lesson I learned is that the wounds of the past can also have a profound effect on your perspective of forgiveness and grace. Surprisingly, I do not think I would have learned this lesson any other way. Instead, I would have been arrogant and judgmental. All of our past histories and relationships have some form of regrets and disappointments. We need a means to step past our unfortunate mistakes. It also begs a very interesting question: do you think that virgins have an easier, stronger, less entangled love and marriage than non-virgins? I don’t think so. While it may have a positive advantage and foundation as a starting point, there are so many other things that play into a rich, loving marriage over a life time. I welcome your thoughts and insights.

  109. Jack says:

    Hello i need some advice from people. I have been with my partner a while now we are due our first child in december this year, which we both are extremely happy about. I love this girl very much but iam finding it hard to get over her sexual past. The reason i think im finding it very hard is because we live in a small town everybody pretty much knows everyone. So some of the people she has slept with i know which is difficult as i keep getting mental pictures in my head and its driving me crazy any ideas on how to get past it ?? As it comes and goes

  110. Kflo says:

    When I was dating my husband I asked what is a very important question to me before we got serious is how many women has he been with. He lied to me and told me 4. I was somewhat ok with it he was 21 at the time. After we was together a year and in love with each other we was talking and he brought up some stuff and had forgotten how many he told me well all the sudden im number 9. This upset me bad. I was crazy about him but he lied to me about something that is not just a number to me. I didn’t want someone who had slept around. It has bothered me greatly. But I thought id get over it because I was head over heels for him. Well we have been together for 8yrs married for 6 and it still upsets me. I was looking at some lingerie and was thinking on getting a school girl outfit to try and spice things up and keep it interesting and when I was telling him he made a mistake in thinking I already had a school girls outfit which I have never had. When we was dating I had an maids costume but that was it. He brought that up and tried to make it like it was that one he was talking about then he admitted he got me confused with an ex girlfriend. I was fine and dealing with everything good until he said that and it has bothered me bad. I wish a lot of times I made it a deal breaker and left the liar.

  111. laelamommy says:

    Jennifer how do i private message you? I have a few personal issues I need advice on.

  112. S. says:

    Worst fears confirmed, bf had a threesome in the past. I straight out asked and he told me, he was very honest and I appreciate him doing that. Although he says he isn’t proud of it, I remembered something he said to me a few months ago. We were talking over text about if we had children, how they would play hockey. He said ‘you’d be a hockey mom’ and put a little emojicon of hearts and faces with heart eyes, symbolising how hot that would be…well, turns out this threesome was with a ‘hockey mom’, a married woman with children. I honestly feel sick.
    I love this man and I love his honesty when I ask him things. I’m glad I asked in a way because I know for sure, but it truly makes me feel sick. This is all in his past, but it annoys me how different we are about sex. I feel hurt, surely he was thinking of her what he said i would be a hockey mom. I don’t know how to feel better.

  113. John says:

    My girlfriend has been having issues with my past and it seems like I cant get her to accept me for who I am now. First off I will say that I am a little over 10 years older than her and she has limited partners where as I have been with numerous women throughout the years but mainly in my college days which were 10 years ago. She says that she has trouble being comfortable with me because she pictures me with other women and isnt comfortable with who I was. I love her to death and want to make her realize that just because I was someone years ago, it does not mean it is who I am today. Any advice on how to reassure her on my loyalty and love for her while making her realize that I feel that she is the only one for me?

  114. Nathan says:

    Jennifer Please Please Please email me i really need help , i would so anything at this point.

  115. kenny says:

    I am 29. Waiting to get married in 3months time, but I feel like I should cancel the wedding because of the continual feeling of jealousy of my girl’s past patners. She’s had five, I’ve had only one. I’ve never disvirgin any girl before and now I think I’ll miss that opportunity forever if we get married. Very confused! Pls help

  116. Shilpi says:

    I felt the same way and have been dealing with it for quite a long time….

    It looks like as if I have written my own story…… own views…my own pain..

  117. Natalie says:

    Great job on the article! I’ve been with my fiancé for two years. As a virgin, i struggled a lot to get over his past. The thought of him being intimate with other people really made me feel miserable.
    Now I’ve realized the things you’ve described in your article. At the end of the day, time will allow you to get over it as long as you’re both willing to work through it . And like you said, I use to obsess over details only to find that he has probably forgotten most of them. And what’s truly important is the moment you’re sharing together in the present.

  118. Marty M says:

    Great article. I am just now struggling with this. Enjoy these articles and forums. Found a book yesterday that helped too.
    It helped me see more about me then just putting it on my girlfriend.

  119. Marty M says:

    I am with you guys. The thought of the past keeps me up at night. I can’t help but google these guys, and wish the worst for them. Are they the bad guys? Is my GF? I think about them when we are intimate too. SUCKS!!!!!

  120. Louj says:

    I felt a little relieved after reading,,, I think this will help me on my situation :) thank you for sharing your experience

  121. karebear says:

    I was with my boyfriend 4 months and woke up to him getting off on cammodel porn. Since then he introduced me online to one of his “friends ” who’s on that site. I wasn’t prepared to read him saying “I want you, your so hot ” to this camgirl, his online friend. I felt like he was cheating. I despised this method of porn. I feel that I should be enough to satisfy him sexually. Later I asked the stupid question Do you think about other people when we have sex? Apparently there’s a girl at work he fantasized about when I was giving him a blow job (ps I’m very good at it so I don’t see why he needs to add a fanyasy something awesome)this girl is also a friend of his, a very dear friend, he had romantic feelings for who he says is very much like him and this great person. I can’t stop wondering if he still fantasizes about her and why he dud in the first place if we such a good relationship.

  122. karebear says:

    All I want to know is if it’s normal for man to fantasize about a past relationship being good friends still and have sexual fantasies about her? Or is it that he’s not serious about his relationship and has his own issues to resolve. I have to jealous feelings about his past. I am insanely jealous of this other girl seeing as she’s still in his thoughts in places where i think only I should be.

  123. William Care says:

    I had a girl Friend since the last two years. We were madly in love. She is honest and never flirt with anyone else. We had different views about past life (ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend). I want no secret and want to know everythin’ about her. At the same time I told her everything about my past life. How I had sex with my ex and all. She understands. She, on the other hand, had an opinion that we don’t have to know each other’s past life and what is important is the Present and the future. She had lied to me on two occasions; there were two guys that I believed to be her ex-boyfriends. When I ask her about this she told me that she hate both of them. And being in love with them is out of question. But later she accidentally disclose that she happen to like both of them at some point of time!. I know both the guys. It hurts me to know that she is lying to me. She also admit that she like one of the other guys so much that she approach him first. She also admits that both of them happens to hangout in her place at the same time strongly denied having sex with both of them. It hurts me more.

    When we had sex for the first time her hymen were already broken. yet she claimed to be virgin. When I beg her to tell me the truth she broke into tears. I don’t know what to believe anymore!

  124. Confused Confucius says:

    Hi Jennifer, great article. I completely relate to everything you said. But this feeling of being robbed of an experience, that his first kiss was not with me, is just heart breaking. I’m in deep depression. Every night I think about this and feel like a huge bag of insecurity. I love him very much but I don’t think I can come to terms with this. I don’t know wat to do. You said you overcame this. How did u do it??

  125. Hailey says:

    When I started having a crush on my now boyfriend, I had heard that he was a virgin. I was ecstatic! He was everything I was looking for in a SO. Fast forward a couple months into the relationship, and I ask him if he’s a virgin. My boyfriend says that he is. There goes my feelings of bliss again. A few weeks after I ask him if he’s done anything besides make out, he says he has and it was 2 years ago. Record scratches to a holt. Uuuum, what? His first love and 5 month relationship was 4 years ago. I start questioning him. You mean you did something with *ex mutual friend*???’
    I knew from the beginning that she had used my boyfriend for emotional support and attention along with 2 other guys when her and her HS sweetheart were on the rocks, but she apparently gave him a BJ as well. I was livid. ‘WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING THIS UP WITH ME IN THE BEGINNING?’ ‘… you never asked.’

    By then I started saying how stupid do you have to be to start having an affair with someone who was still in a relationship with her boyfriend, and he gives me this crappy excuse of ‘oh, but she said they were breaking up.’ 3 months into an affair with you and she still isn’t broken up. Hmmmm. Alright. You’re a fool.

    I stormed out. I felt mega cheated on. Then months later he has the audacity to tell me he was falling for her in that time period.

    Anyway, skip ahead a few months after knowing he was with that ‘very experienced with her mouth’ girl.

    I kind of got over it. We’re talking and the subject of ‘have you ever seen a naked girl in real life’ comes up. He doesn’t answer. I’m about to flip my lid, but keep it cool to get more answers. I say just tell me yes or no. He says yes. I ask him what he did. He says he has fingered his first love. He also cybersexed with her over skype. I shutdown. I say lets go to the living room and sleep out there tonight, but when we get there I walk right out of the house. I’m sobbing. He has already invested himself in others, clearly. What am I to him but another knotch added to his love belt?

    Eventually I calmed down, and I was as close to breaking up with him than I have ever been. I had an epiphany that since the age of 9 I’ve devoted most of my life to being as special and whole for the person I’d end up being with. My parents were the cause of this, as their relationship was toxic and abusive. I wanted different.

    We have been okay since then, but I’m jealous has heck still. I’ve been thinking over and over on how if I found a guy that treated me somewhat like my bf does, as well as he treats me and how devoted to creating a future with me as he is, and the new guy was a virgin AND had little experience like I do… I would dump my current boyfriend for him.

    That would be the only sign I would take as to whether or not my current bf is the right one for me or not.

    These last 7 months have been so hectic and full of emotional rollercoasters.

    I need help and advice.

  126. Tina says:

    I was married for 5months and husband was murdered, I was blessed with a beautiful child. I re-married 2years ago to a man who hasn’t been married before. after we met, he did tell me he had sex with 2women before me and he can understand if I don’t want a relationship, it never bothered me as I was a widow. now 2years we married and even have a beautiful daughter together and I cant stop think about his sexual past. the first time we made love, he said,’wow I am amazing and he never had it in a long time’ it stuck to my head and put images of his intimacy wit his past girlfriends. i don’t even know them. I even asked him about them and told him that it is bothering me, he re-assured me that I am the best and with him now.and shouldn’t let the past come between us. and he in ove wit me. even after the re-assurance from him, I am sooooo jealous and cant handle it. i too had previous intimate relations so don’t know why it bother me so much :(

  127. Tina says:

    i keep on wondering if they were better then me in bed and if they were prettier, well his mum told me they were pretty, so more reason to be jealous.. i just hate how i feel and need to get over it,.it is the past!!!! we didn’t even know each other back then.. grrrrr

  128. Tina says:

    i also don’t get as much gifts as he use to give them :(
    the ones that deserve it all don’t get it all :(

  129. Lindsay says:

    Good article! I will say though that time is enough to heal these wounds alone. It takes a lot of honest work with yourself.

    I developed a lot of jealousy with my first boyfriend. He was my first everything – kiss, relationship, sex – but I was not his first anything. It crushed me, and nothing he could do or say was truly reassuring. This relationship eventually ended (for other reasons). When I met another man some time later, I fully expected that these feelings would not pop up again. This BF would not be my first, so the playing field would be level – right? Wrong. The feelings came back just as strong as before.

    The reason I share that is to point out that often it’s not a reflection on the person you’re with; it’s something internal to you that needs to be worked on. And that isn’t meant to point the finger at those who are struggling. This should be empowering! We are the problem, but we are also the solution.

  130. Lindsay says:

    *I will say though that time is NOT enough to heal these wounds alone.

  131. Tony says:

    A very interesting read, the article, but also the comments. I identified with a lot of you, and some of you I wanted to lightly smack the back of your head and say, “THAT is nothing to be jealous of!” However, we all approach things differently, so something that would’t make me jealous can make someone else green with jealousy, and vice versa.

    After reading all this, I see that my jealousy stems completely from my ego. Insecurity isn’t the cause of it for me, and if it was, my jealousy would be even harder to deal with, so I completely sympathize with those who have to deal with jealousy AND insecurity. For me, my jealousy is huge (I have felt homicidal many times, when I let my imagination run wild), but not uncontrollable. For example, if my gf talks to an ex and he is respectful, the jealousy doesn’t flare up. She has guy friends and I’ve gotten to know every one of them, and I’m totally cool with their friendships. I feel secure in her love for me, my love for her, her desire for me, etc. I’m completely open with my girl about my jealousy, even admitting on occasion that there is a part of me that is just waiting, HOPING one of her exs crosses the line with her so I can hurt him. I’ve explained to her that it’s more my brain looking for someone to hate, and her exs are the perfect ones. I’ve been sneaky about my jealousy in the beginning though, when I am in an early relationship with a woman, I share stuff about my past and just listen attentively when she shares about her sexual past and I encourage it, acting like the most understanding man in the world, when in reality, I am filing away every detail so I have more reason to hate her exs. I do this as much as possible before the jealousy starts to get too big to handle, then I come clean with her about how jealous I really am. None of my women or current woman have a problem with it, because of how I handle it. Listen carefully guys: NEVER EVER EVER EVER judge her. You can be crazy honest, tell her you’re jealous cuz of how much sex they had or different things that you’re dealing with (for example I’ve never been interested in anal but I had to have anal with my girl because her ex fucked her asshole a few times, and there was NO way I was going to let him be the only one who stuck his wang in her pooper, and I’ve told her this)… the KEY is, when you’re talking about your jealousy or how much you want to stick a bowie knife in his neck, ALWAYS add that you are working through YOUR jealousy and that you trust her 100%. This is why I feel bad for those who have to deal with insecurity as well, because even when I’m venting my feelings of jealousy, the fact that i’m not worried if she misses an ex’s cock or something like that gives us stability. It’s hard to explain. I’m very open about a lot of things in life that I find most guys are reluctant to talk about, so I am able to talk to my girl this way. Every time I vent about my jealousy about whoever it may be, I also explain what my thought process is, and how I recognize my ego coming into play, etc. NEVER EVER make her feel like a whore. I made this mistake in a past relationship, and it WILL HAUNT YOU all through the relationship.

    Those who are planning to use my tactic of acting like you’re very openminded about your partner’s history in the beginning need to know what you’re in for… you need to know if you can really handle this. You need to be secure with yourself FIRST. If you’re insecure or unstable, you WILL bring that into your relationship. One of my current girl’s exs was a real freak. He did a bunch of sexual stuff to her (he was the one who buttfucked her), most of which I asked her to share with me, and she did, and to this day he is the one I get all homicidal thinking about, BUT I have admitted to her that I already know deep in my intuition that if I meet him, I will like him, we will click and get along, and then I cannot hate him anymore, and I don’t want that, I want to keep hating him, or I want him to be a jerk to me when we meet so I can REALLY hate him, but my intuition is ALWAYS right, and my gf finds all of this intriguing. I’m the outgoing one, she’s more of a sensitive, introverted, gentle soul, and I know if I plow her with my jealousy in the wrong way, it will hurt her, which will hurt ‘us’ which will hurt ME and I love her and won’t do that. I am this odd mixture of insane homicidal maniac (I’ve never actually killed anyone) and deep, loving soul. We all have this mixture. The key is to express it all in the RIGHT WAY.

    I want to comment on those whose world was crushed because they were virgins and married someone who wasn’t… HMMM Do not listen to those who say you just need to forgive their past and focus on who they are now. Bullspit. You saved yourself your entire damn life, and it is not unreasonable to expect any less. I know myself, and if I was with someone who had way more partners in bed than me, the jealousy would consume me. Just being honest. So, let me ask you, WHY, WHY would you save yourself your whole life then go ahead and marry someone who didn’t? Unless that person has huge remorse over it, and it was one person that tricked them etc (think of Robin from Sister Wives, when she broke down in tears because her ex tricked her out of her virginity that she wished to hell and back she could give to Cody)? Sure, their personality may be awesome and blah blah blah but if your sexual purity is uncompromised, why compromise ? YOU and YOU ALONE have the right to decide to hold out. Maybe it breaks their heart, too bad. The most they deserve is someone who has had about the same level of pre-marriage sexual experience as they do. Let THEM deal with jealousy, YOU don’t deserve to! YOU saved yourself! I always cringe and facepalm when I read of a virgin doing that.. who cares if they’re nice and sweet, YOU are a one-in-a-million prize. Having said that, virgins, if you are truly in love and truly comfortable with the person you are with, knowing God forgives and makes all creatures NEW, go right ahead! If you are struggling, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO STRUGGLE! YOU HELD ONTO YOUR FRIGGIN’ VIRGINITY IN A SEX-CRAZED SOCIETY! Value yourself, or no one else will.

    Also I see relationships where the guy has a lot less sexual experience than the woman, and I can totally tell he doesn’t know the half of it. I almost want to tell him to grow a pair of balls and tell her straight up you wanna know every guy she did, how often, and WHAT they did, if that is what you want to know. BUT, it is going to rip your heart apart.. be prepared for it and DEAL with it.. after that, you will be so much more sexually open with your woman and can even pour your heart out how much you hate her exs (while still making her feel special & loved… it’s hard to explain but you can get there, you can become this kind of guy)… those guys who are so insecure they dare not ask their woman deeply about her past even though inside they are DYING to know, what can I say… you need to work on YOURSELF for a while. Go sign up for some MMA classes.. after 6 months of that I guarantee your confidence skyrockets, and that will make your woman hot for you, and while you’ll always have to deal with jealousy, at least you can get over your own insecurities.

    Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories! Jealousy is SO friggin’ powerful.. we MUST learn to manage it properly! Love to all.

  132. Brian says:

    Spell Casting… WTF? Hypnotizing or compelling someone to come back to you is not love. You’re acting out of selfishness for yourself, not love for your ex husband, and he is acting out of compulsion/brainwashing, and his love is not real either. As difficult as it is to accept, he made his choice, the best thing you can do is move on, as hard as it is going to be, and let him live his life. Karma will come back to him somehow, and his new woman may do the same thing to him that he did to you. This is how life works. People make choices, then they live with them. This spell casting stuff is not honest, and is not going to give you the relationship you want. Even if he acts like the perfect husband, you’ll always know it’s because you paid someone to cast a voodoo spell on him. Can you really live with that ???

    Of course, there is always the possibility that the poster above, Rose, is actually Dr. Aisabu himself, drumming up BS stories to gain more customers. If so, shame on you, “doctor,” for preying on people in their vulnerable moments, opening up to each other about their deep feelings on this forum, and you swoop in with your spell casting junk. Begone, snake oil salesman!

    Back to the topic of jealousy. Dude above has some good points. One important point is that confidence in a man drives a woman wild. If you have been unfaithful, statistics show women are forgiving (but remember karma, men! If you abuse her capacity for forgiveness, one day she’ll cheat on you too, then you’ll have to forgive her too or be a hypocrite). Even our jealousy, women are strong and can handle it better than we think. But insecurity is a HUGE turn off, and she will be unintentionally attracted to some other guy who radiates confidence. So if you are jealous because of your insecurity, you have to stop throwing that jealousy at her and expecting her to deal with it somehow. It’s not really her problem, it’s yours. Work on eradicating jealousy that stems from insecurity by addressing your insecurity, and addressing it ASAP. The MMA classes are a really good idea, but maybe for you, you’ve always wanted to use your smooth voice to sing, go take singing classes. If you’re afraid of public speaking, go join Toastmasters. Whatever it is that will lift you out of that pit of self-guessing, self-doubt, and inferiority, take those steps. If you are jealous but secure in yourself, you can work through it. Jealousy and insecurity is a problematic combination.

  133. Shay says:

    I was wondering if there was anyway I can get in touch with you through a personal message of some sort? I am going through a difficult time with my partner because of my jealousy of his past with the most insignificant things you can think of. I don’t want to lose him.

  134. Nicole says:

    My jealousy doesn’t come from my boyfriends past relationships, it comes from the multiple threesomes/foursomes he has had. I can’t get those out of my head for whatever reason and sometimes it really bothers me. I try to tell myself that they were just hook ups and they didn’t mean anything to him but that can only work for so long. This is something I’m continuing to struggle with after a year and I don’t know how Ill ever be okay with it

  135. Jeff says:

    Thank you, Jennifer, for this article. It really speaks to me and offers some great insight on this issue. As you may have guessed, I’m in the midst of this struggle myself, and actually, I’ve been doing quite well as of late. There are some good resources to check out on the internet for help with this. I may recommend for starters. There’s an actual course to take that I’ve found to be quite helpful so far. There is a lot of soul-searching to be done, and I’ve certainly got more work to do, but I feel the progress, and that is exciting. My motivations to overcome this struggle are many, but the biggest, I feel, are these:

    1) my gf has made me happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve been troubled by thoughts of her past sexual relationship, the details of which really are irrelevant. Fact is, they are normal and part of life. I’m not willing to give up someone so special over something that had nothing to do with me.

    2) I’ve realized that I’m viewing sex in an entirely immature fashion. First off, when you get down to it, it’s a relatively small part of life. Even the most sex-crazed maniac spends probably what, 1% of their entire lives having sex? Furthermore, it is not the beginning and end of a relationship. A good relationship has so much more to it than just good sexual chemistry. Really that only comes as a result to everything ELSE in the relationship working the way it’s supposed to. It is not a pre-cursor to a good relationship. Work on everything else in the relationship and the sex will take care of itself. We’re all human after all. And lastly, on this matter, the idea “virginity” might be a tad overvalued when you look at it logically. Yes, I understand the want to have your partner be “all yours”, but what does that have to do with virginity? You can only lose it once. So to value it so highly is to almost suggest that every time you have sex after the first time doesn’t matter, which is ridiculous.

    3) I find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe that if this issue bothers you in your current relationship, it won’t read it’s ugly head in future relationships just the same. Maybe you get lucky and meet the love of your life when you’re 17 years old, or by some miracle you meet a great person at an older age that has no past whatsoever, by I really think it would be just that: a miracle. And the reason is simple: life happens. It just does. Your partner can’t predict the future. They don’t know at the time that it’s not gonna work out and they’re gonna have to start over with someone new, with a whole new set of baggage in hand. It’s just not realistic.

    I am here to declare this: I am going to beat this thing. Hoping all of you can as well! Here’s to future success!


  136. A Confused Virgin says:

    I know this is an old article… so I hope it’s still active… but I’m 21 and a virgin. I’m saving myself for marriage. My boyfriend is 28 and didn’t, but he wants to now. He rededicated his life to God and wants to wait, which I think is so admirable and beautiful… but oh my gosh I can’t get over my jealousy for his past sex life. I feel bitter and almost angry… I feel like I was tricked into falling in love with this wonderful guy, and I’ve saved something so special to give only to my future husband, but what did he save for me? I don’t want to just be a number. This situation just devastates my heart. He wants to marry me… and I love him so incredibly much, but from reading other comments from up there^^^, people said they struggled for up to 30 years?! Oh my gosh :( I couldn’t bear that. Virginity is so important to me, and it IS a make-or-break it for me, but we became friends and I fell in love with him. I didn’t mean to, and to be honest, I consciously did NOT want to, but I’m here now, madly in love, and it feels like I’m snuggling with a porcupine. I feel so loved him, but it hurts SO bad. If you have advice, will you please email me?

  137. James says:

    HI Jennifer. I’m 33 and my current girlfriend is 42. We had been on and off for five months because in the beginning I have established that I did not want anything else other than just friendship. I did not want to become a jealous type of person as is the way that I do become when I am in a relationship. So rather than to hurt her I kept it as friends. But as we kept on seeing each other she kept falling in love with me more and more. Now we are to a point where she is madly in love with me and I love her back. she is the type of girl that has way more guy friends than girl friends. Friends that she caLls family. But there is just one thing, I cannot get past the fact that she has been with a lot of people from my hometown. A lot of people that are actually my friends, and or people I know. a friend of mine who actually happens to be her brother-in-law told me of a friend that she has. A friend that she calls a brother because they all grew up together. Well my friend/her brother in law,told me that she and that guy had a sexual encounter long ago before I even met her. But what bothers me the most is that she was not even going to tell me about it, & I probably would have found myself shaking that guy’s hand because of the fact that she says he’s like a brother to her. It’s all that I think about. There are a lot of my friends that tell me about the way That she used to have sex with them.and they go into great detail about describing her eyes and what not and it bothers me. It eats me up inside. Yet she is so nice to me and takes care of me in every single way possible whether it be sexually or emotionally. Her kids like me and she likes my son too.she has deleted Her Facebook, deleted numbers from her phone, and has told me time and time again that she will not hurt me, but its so hard to trust again. And thats mainly because ive been hurt myselg many times in the past and I feel as if I might be taking it out on her. Please help. Anybody!!! Ill take any advice. Im actually in Washington DC right now for a little breather from Texas, and she is still down in our hometown in Texas. My brother who I am staying with has given me a chance to open my eyes on life out here and its wonderful over here and I would eant to bring her over here one day, but I dont want my jealousy issues to follow. I miss her so much that I just want to haul ass back to texas right now, but im afraid when I get there im just gonna become a jealous person even more thinking about what she has been doing since I have been gone.

  138. James says:

    If anybody has any advice for me please email me at


  139. NeedAHelp says:

    My boyfriend and I are together for year and half…he told me about his past sex life in first months and it was really hard to understand and forgive him…even though he explained the circumstances and that he needed a girl that would help him to wait, he still has some ,,past time issuses” that sometimes come up…or, better said, he does not understand how can something that happened long time ago bother me…I love him, but I believe we both need help in this – he needs to understand why I feel like this and I need to learn how to get over it…any suggestions?

  140. JackRJ says:

    Thank you Jeniffer! this is a great article. Would you please elaborate on the specific work or techniques to use to deal with this type of jealousy?
    My case is very similar to yours. My factors are exactly the ones you mentioned (Valuing virginity, upbringing and cultural/societal view of sex). Thank you

  141. Thankful says:

    Thank you for this article! There’s something so comforting about knowing you are not the only one who has felt/is feeling the same way that you do. Being able to analyse my situation with the guidance of your experience has truly helped me. Thank you again!

  142. Winning says:

    Thank You Jennifer for such a helpful site. I am winning my battle against my Jealous feelings over my wife’s past, and your site has shown me how to keep going, I felt very emotional reading about other peoples experiences, mine have been Hurting for nearly 30 years, but I Love my wife so much that I will beat them.

  143. steph says:

    ok, firstly, can i give my heartfelt sympathy, to all the people who have been
    suffering out there . I utterly and completely understand where you are coming from, nothing worse.GUT WRENCHING TORTURE!…….Hey……….
    You cut your finger,… it heals…., but this PAIN, you feel …..well it never goes,….how will I ever get over it??
    So we need a fix??………….OK…….
    CAN anybody on this planet,then make a TIME MACHINE ??
    so we can reverse time and change past events?????
    please…please….please…if there is anyone there that can do this ………….
    please tell us …..
    so those of us who are trapped in our minds torments , can have the
    ability to remove these images……these……hurts….
    just think, we can all rub out everything!!!!!!start fresh…
    JOB done!!!
    Mmm ……well……..I think….not.
    so I tell you what ….let those torments keep on wrecking your every day life.
    GO …ON…. …..
    Some of you need these thoughts… are disgusted by them! ….but equally some of you get of on them ! L I S T E N carefully please. you are trapped in your MINDS IMAGINATION >>>>THATS IT …
    Scream,YELL SHout HURL abuse, even wosre, if you like…..
    I tell you WHAT…….your not going to change a DAMNED thing.
    OR you can have relief,……..
    WE ALL have inside us coping mechanisms, ALL OF US WITHOUT EXEPTION> FACT..
    SO WE have to tap or Switch these mechanisms ON. …..
    SO ….HOW ??
    STEP 1). when these thoughts come, take a piece of paper write them down.
    STEP 2) read it out . if you are in a crowded place to yourself , or
    if you are alone out loud..
    STEP 3) Take the piece of paper, and rip
    it up ,then put it in the bin. SAY ,ITS NOT REAL, IT HAS NO PLACE
    OR SPACE in MY world.
    STEP 4) If you partner is home, tell them you love them , or call/ text
    them to say you love them. NOTHING MORE.!!
    STEP 5) say to yourself ,NOTHING HAS CHANGED,and rePEAT IT as many times it
    takes to ease the pain, but keep repeating , even if your in pain,
    angry, crying, KEEP REPEATING!!!!!!!!!!
    DO THESE THINGS, I PROMISE you will FEEL releif. and each time WILL
    STEP 6) I WANT YOU TO KEEP this up RELIGIOUSLY for as long as it takes


    YOUR HEART AND MIND WILL start to repair.


    STEPH X.

  144. John says:

    What if after 22 years she still calls them her friends and is adamant to establish or maintain contact with them?

  145. Matt says:

    Hi i found this article whilst looking for some sort of answers i read the whole thing and it has brought up some good points but i still can’t help feeling the way i do and i hate it

    There is a girl that i really care about and could quite possibly be the one we haven’t met in person as we met online and she lives in another country and we plan to meet sooner or later and see what happens we both feel very deeply for each other but the other day we were chatting and somehow we ended up on the topic of sex and past relationships now at this point i will point out i am a virgin i am a overweight guy and with that comes some self esteem issues she however is a very attractive girl now she doesn’t know yet that i am a virgin mostly because at my age especially it is an odd thing to bring up she is not a virgin however and i didn’t ask but somehow found out that she has had several sexual partners and i have a suspicion possible lesbian experiences as well as some possible group sex encounters now i never thought of myself as a jealous or angry person and i sort of played it off during the conversation but afterwards i started thinking about it and found myself getting really upset and angry at this though because although i haven’t had sex and i hoped she would be my first i had hoped i would be hers and to get all these images of her in these sorts of situations just really angers me i can’t explain it any other way i am a big believer of intimacy and connection between people so the fact she may have just had casual sexual encounters it just makes it so much worse then perhaps she was with someone for a long time i really hate feeling this way and i am afraid saying anything i might get angry and judgemental with her and directly at her which then might destroy what we have but i just can’t get it out of my head i almost want to cry about it she has mentioned that she has only had 4 previous partners and only slept with them because she had feelings but some of the other things she said and the coy way of saying it made me skeptical she is lying about this number and the things done i am so confused, angry, hurt, and mad all at the same time and i can’t shake it i may be a prude but i can’t really help how i am feeling

  146. Brandon says:


  147. jake says:

    I been angry over womens past for 20 years. I am still not over it, Im married now and we talk about it and have fought. I get very very angry over it. I cant look at my wife without seeing her exes. Sex is just sex. I lost that loving feeling a long time ago. I see no end to the anger. Oh yeah most women i dated have been raped. So im supposed to deal with that shit. MY wife was raped twice in her life. No one around me has any idea what this rage feels like and i am dam tired of trying to explain it. Good luck to anyone like me because your probably gonna have to deal with it on your own. Everyone thinks because you DWELL on the past that your the problem, not the shit like rape yo cant do nothing about.

  148. Gary says:

    this a perfect article but what really bothers mevis now I know my partners ex and I have changed a lot of things just to accomodate her but I know feel like I am the ordinary guy because our relationship is more like her previous relationship

  149. Jomari says:

    hi, it’s my first time having a girlfriend. we’ve been together for almost 1 year now. I have a jealousy problem with my self and this article really made me realized that I should trust my partner. Right now I’m still on the process of getting rid with jealousy, I hope that I could survive and be successful with this journey. thanks for this article by the way. it helped a lot! more powerS!

  150. Jimmy says:

    It feels better to realize this is a common thing.
    I just want to stop thinking about her past.

  151. Jimmy says:

    There are just a couple of people in her past that bother me probably cause I know most about them. One was a guy a lot younger that she basically was a f buddy and a really great guy but it wouldn’t have gone anywhere. He also died in an accident after moving away and it caused her a ton of grief. After that she was sad and had an affair with a married man that lasted several years and they still work together. This was all before me and she is great to me but it drives me insane when she told me it was fun and games, a f buddy and nothing more. I didn’t even know her but the thoughts freaking consume me.

  152. anni says:

    I m jealous too from my partners past he was not sexually indvolved with her bt his friends say he loved that girl and that’s the thing which leave me broken from inside… he loves me too but I just can’t help it n broke into tears whenever I come across something related to them…but you helped me alot thanks.

  153. Paul says:

    I guess Jennifer doesn’t show up here anymore. Too bad cause I wish to discuss that topic. I don’t think it’s about jealousy, I think it is something more. Jealousy is childish but we are dealing with some really heavy stuff here. It’s like everyone has this special binding tool which you can use only once in a lifetime. It’s like a chemical reaction – two people make it together and though they still look very similar their bodies and minds changed. Changed in a way that they physically, mentally and emotionally are bounded together forever. So it may seem like I am jealous but the deal is that I can’t have her fully – 100%. Sure, let’s say she is mine in 99.9% but is that enough? Love should be total and everlasting. The article kinda helps, but the splinter is still there…

  154. Jay says:

    I’m dealing with jealousy on a daily basis, and I feel like it is ruining my relationship. I know and feel in my heart that all the things you wrote are true, but no matter how hard I try I feel like I’m being lied to. Is that a part of the jealousy? Or am I looking at a whole different issue and that being TRUST?

  155. Minori says:

    I am a virgin and my boyfriend wants to have sex with me, but he also said he doesn’t want to ruin my first sex moment with me by any chance we don’t stay together. He had three girlfriends even before I knew him, and I am assuming he had sex with them. I am afraid to know id it’s true, but I am sure. Because of his past, I wasn’t sure of our relationship. He was fine, but I was the one who was always worried. I might be just one of his girlfriends. There’s a possibility he might leave me… even though he said he won’t give up on me because his three ex girlfriends left him, and they became mean to him after.
    Still, I was not sure if he really likes me because if he really does, I thought he could just have sex with me not thinking of ruining me. If he thinks he ruins me, that means he might leave me, that’s what I thought.Of course, that’s not what he meant. He said he just doesn’t do because he wants, but wants to do it when I am ready. Yet, the thought that I created won’t go away from my head so easily. Once he said he would ruin me because we might not stay together, I was so shocked.

    I never been struggling about relationship, and I am really bad at how to behave as a girlfriend…

    I have been crying past 6 months not being able to have confidence as his girlfriend. He was the very first guy I’ve ever desired to be in a relationship with, so it was really unbelievable when he said he liked me and it’s cool for me to be his girlfriend. So, I don’t want to lose him, I want to keep our relationship for good if possible, but I was still jealous of his past and I also felt like he no longer like me or he won’t like me.

    But, after reading this, I felt better because there wasn’t only me who was struggling with partner’s past relationship. I could relate to all the questions in the reading, and I think I got really great tips.

    I have been trying to accept him and myself for 6 months and crying, but I think I can overcome thanks to those tips.
    I won’t stop trying.

    Thank you for this reading. I really appreciate such tips exist!

  156. LoveIsTheAnswer says:


    I wanted to give you some encouragement. My husband is from the city of sex in Brazil with a father that encouraged him to be a playboy and I am from a Christian household where sex was a bad word. It took him a long time to understand the importance of sex – not just a physical act but a deeply emotional act of connection and intimacy – and he thanks me often for teaching him about that beauty and I thank him for showing me that sex is not something to be feared but can be beautiful.

    And when images of his past partners pop into my head, there are a few things which have really helped and I hope will help some of you (including those who have a sexual past), (1) *He fully regrets his decisions and wishes that he could go back in time and never had sex until marriage (when he thinks of them, he gets sad), (2) I trust that he loves me and only me, (3) I understand how his background and family played a huge role in his bad decisions and I trust that he is a moral person, (4) His sexual past could have been worse (no orgies, no kids, no STDs, no previous marriages), (5) I recognize that he has had to forgive me for my past relationships which, although didn’t include sex, included emotional intimacy with someone else, (6) My faith wouldn’t be genuine unless I forgave him, since I’m not perfect either and need forgiveness for hurting others in other ways, and (7) His life is a story and I am only a hand-full of chapters in it – God is teaching us things that we may never understand (perhaps to give him a story so that he can encourage others to make better decisions?) It has also helped that none of his previous girlfriends or hook-ups are in our lives so we can truly focus on each other and our future.

    Forgiveness is a journey – sadness, jealously, anger, guilt – jump up from time to time but breathe deep and slow, try not to focus on it but calmly let it go, and communicate your hurt to your spouse or significant other (not judging but focusing on how it hurts you because of how much you care about them and want to be connected with just them). If they brush off your hurt, then you have other problems with your relationship, but if you help them understand and they truly care about you, they will cry with you. And that may even bring you closer together…

  157. LoveIsTheAnswer says:

    @Minori One last comment for Minori – a friend once told me – when I feel confused about a decision, I ask myself “is it because this is a confusing decision or is it just hard?” It seems that your decision is just hard because you’re afraid. But if your boyfriend leaves you for not having sex with him, he is not husband-material and sadly, it means he doesn’t care about you; he cares about what you can give him. And if you have sex with him out of desperation and fear, you’re not loving yourself and you will likely regret it. (See

    Give your relationship time to grow without the confusion of sex. It can tie people into a toxic relationship when they would have otherwise decided to part ways. (see above book review). If you have a sweet, adventurous relationship without the confusion that sexual intimacy brings then you’ll have the freedom to think clearer, be proud of respecting your own boundaries, and be aware of whether this relationship is the right one. And if you don’t decide to stay together, you don’t your future husband to be jealous about your current boyfriend. Try not to take anything away from that future, permanent marriage relationship.

    If you’re a woman of strength who loves and respects herself, then the man who is right for you will love that about you. So you have nothing to fear.

  158. Joey Acura says:

    Im very glad i found this blog. I was a
    a victim to a very jealous women which then turned to be my wife . she always thought that I am seeing someone on the side or if I am textkng someone on my phone she always assumed it was some female ,I think she picked upbeing jealous form her ex a those jealousies from her last job which was a prostitue. she used to always tell me how almost all the men that used to come to the girls I was married for 5 years and i ran away from her because there was nothing but jealousy in the house. amqterI was married for 5 years and iran away from her because there was nothing but jealousy in the house a lookthe

  159. Angry Joey says:

    yes I had issues before with my ex wife with jealousy, I wasn’t going to show the same thing your meat can do. anyways I have been whatsapp I have been with “V” for 8 months already and we have been engaged for 1 month . from the first day I met her I could not keep my lips off of her lips I always need to kiss her to hug her to look her in the eyes because she was the type of woman I always wanted and I couldn’t believe I actually found her. It didn’t take me long to realize that this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. One day about 5 months into our relationship we are already living together and I started looking through her facebook pictures while she was sleeping and seeing some pictures that I wish I can delete out of my memory. When I confronted her she came up with a very quick excuse which I never believed basically she was allowing some Mexican to suck on her titties in her bed and she said to me that she did that to get her ex jealous, I didn’t know if that was true or lie until not too long ago maybe a week ago I seen in her facebook private messages to a girl that you used to work with that she sent a picture where she’s kissing this man and attach to the picture was a note while this man makes me feel much better than any of the other guys I feel so good with him, when I ask her well I guess you’re trying to get your ex jealous again or this letter she looked at me like she seen Jesus Christ wake up and quickly made up another story, I stop believing anything she said I started putting things together and they realized that they weren’t really true. But you know all that yes it sucked it hurt we had fights but I have a bigger issue its been 8 monthsand you on at your moms speak to me 1 time on my birthday when I was a little drunk for about 3 minutes and that was off when you officially tell your mom you have a boyfriendand you on at your moms speak to me 1 time on my birthday when I was a little drunk for about 3 minutes and that was off when you officially tell your mom you have a boyfriend. It did seem a little strange that a 30 year old woman would be hiding a guy from her mother especially in other country and her mother has not other kids so my fiance is the only 1 that she is really worried about but my fiance I guess this not care I bet about her mom. So few days ago was what I did was I took matters into my own hands I took my fiance’s phone I left the house when I seen a phone call from her mother at first I let it go I thought okay no what she told me don’t talk to my mom I will listen to her wasn’t m_s_n mom called again and this time I said no fuck it I will pick up and I did and yes I told her mom the whole truth and nothing but the truth that we been to vacation together and no she was not with some girl and some other people like she told her no she doesn’t live with a roommate she lives with her fiance no she didn’t work now is the time that you told her she was working but fiance was helping take care of her and dales basically told her mom what kind of daughter still ashford on say she really is. So no I return my fiance the phone and she seen that I spoke with her mother I sent her pictures and that was easy and of that. She said fuck you I do not have no more boyfriend fiance or husband and I did not have no more mother it’s been 6 days now since this happen and her mother calls her every single day maybe 12 * today and she hasn’t answered yet hey her mom told me a few things and I will not repeat here and I will not tell v but I honestly think that my fiance doesn’t want me speaking to her mother because her mother can tell me stuff that he doesn’t want me to know the closest 21st century how mom totally agreed with me she’s totally understanding sono it’s my girls fall. It did seem a little strange that a 30 year old woman would be hiding a guy from her mother especially in other country and her mother has not other kids so my fiance is the only 1 that she is really worried about but my fiance I guess this not care I bet about her mom. So few days ago was what I did was I took matters into my own hands I took my fiance’s phone I left the house when I seen a phone call from her mother at first I let it go I thought okay no what she told me don’t talk to my mom I will listen to her wasn’t m_s_n mom called again and this time I said no fuck it I will pick up and I did and yes I told her mom the whole truth and nothing but the truth that we been to vacation together and no she was not with some girl and some other people like she told her no she doesn’t live with a roommate she lives with her fiance no she didn’t work now is the time that you told her she was working but fiance was helping take care of her and dales basically told her mom what kind of daughter still ashford on say she really is. So no I return my fiance the phone and she seen that I spoke with her mother I sent her pictures and that was easy and of that. She said fuck you I do not have no more boyfriend fiance or husband and I did not have no more mother it’s been 6 days now since this happen and her mother calls her every single day maybe 12 * today and she hasn’t answered yet hey her mom told me a few things and I will not repeat here and I will not tell v but I honestly think that my fiance doesn’t want me speaking to her mother because her mother can tell me stuff/secrets that he doesn’t want me to know the closest 21st century how mom totally agreed with me she’s totally understanding soon it’s my girls problem about me speaking to her mother well, from what I asked around it’s not normal for 30 year old to hide her fiance it’s not normal for her to wait till I leave the house to speak to her mother it’s not normal for her mother not to be able to speak to her daughter’s fiance and get to know him a little bit. She’s been asking v to put us all on Skype so we can meet but v will never do itwe will find something out that she is trying to hide but you know what I swear they say if it doesn’t come out the wash it will come out in the rinse sometimes you might not find out right away but sooner or later somehow the truth will come out and if I’m just overreacting v I’m sorry but my gut is telling me I’m not. v whatever happens I am going to love you I’m not planning to leave you I want to be with you I want to have children with you and I believe I will I know you will be mad at me for posting this but I can keep this in no longer before I do something stupid I need to get it off my chest baby I love you I’m sorry but this is the way it has to be, love always your fiance joe

  160. Jason says:

    Having been a victim of a very jealous person in the past…I thought I would be able to get this under control for good. For the most part I did. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. We have had an amazing sex life together and I love her very deeply. I have had many partners and a handful of long term relationships including a 9 year marriage. She had one 20 year marriage with a man who cheated and left her. She really is everything I hoped to find in partner…but the fact that he left and not vice-versa always bothered me. The man cheated on her…yet she still tried to save their marriage. She does say now that it was not out of love…but co-dependency…it was the only life she knew. Aside from that part…I had kept it all at bay and we finally moved in together a year ago. Her stuff from storage showed up here one weekend…boxes she had apparently not looked at in years…since before we met. Those with insight probably see where this is going. An open box sitting in the garage and my curiosity gets the best of me one day…and I start poking around. Sure enough…look for trouble and it will find you. I come across a scrapbook (torn and abused) that she made for her x at the end of their marriage. A pictorial history of their life together…along with one page detailing what was probably their best night of sex ever. It was too much for me to handle…and it haunts me to no end. I confronted her with it…she said sincerely she had forgotten all about the thing and tossed in the trash. The problem was that their was innocence about her that I loved from day one…and what was written in that book was far from innocent. After hearing in the beginning about what an unfulfilling sex life she had in her marriage…to reading something that didn’t match that description…I feel a part of the person I fell in love with was taken from me. I have brought it up a few times in anger…but I so do not want to hurt her with it anymore. I am sure it was a painful time for her…and me bringing it up will only make her relive it. How do I get past this and except that it was the past…how do I remove the visuals from my head…and how do I not feel deceived because of things that took place so long ago. I don’t want to destroy this relationship. There has to be a solution. Help!

  161. J says:

    Hello I recently found out from my wife that she had great sex with a guy and did some kinky things to him that she has never done to me. I have been married for 22 years. At first it was exciting hearing what she had to say until she mentioned he was larger than me and that she did a few kinky things. For 22 years I have had her on a pedestal and I knid of new she had done a few things but not to the extent she came clean about. She also said it was great sex and it still made her hot when I made her think about it from asking her so much.

    I was very happy she was being honest but then I started to freak out and asked her more and more and finally she pretended nothing happen and that she made it all up and I know it was just so she would have to explain why she never did it to me.

    Now she completely does not want to talk about it and says she will leave if I keep asking her. I also am now having performance anxiety to top it off. I love this woman very much but am scared I will never feel the same way about her I once did.

    Can’t talk to anyone about and I just don’t know what to do.

  162. J says:

    Jason I just read you post from few days ago and I am going through the same thing. I have been with my wife for 22 years. My wife was a virgin when I met her and we had sex and dated for about 2 years and then I cheated on her like a jerk. It took my 6 months to get her back and marry her and I knew of a guy she had been seeing while we were apart. I knew right away I had to get her back but she wouldn’t like I said until 6 months. I kind of knew she had sex with this other guy but she always made it seem like it was no big deal.

    20 years later I am prying and our relationship is going great and I get her to finally trust about what happened that summer and she tells me everything. I was floored, I found out that she really enjoyed it and did things to him she has never done to me, but I can’t get made at her cause she truly told me because I was begging her to. Now I feel like she is not my sweet innocent girl anymore.

    I can’t stop picturing your and him even though I have no idea what he looks like it is killing me.

  163. frank says:

    i met my girlfriend about a year and a half ago. we started dating a few months later. I was previously married for about 6 years. i told her i had been married and she seemed fine with it in the beginning. now it seems to be a big issue for her. i try to reassure her, tell her i love her, want to be with her, but she’s grown cold, hardly talks to me or shows signs of interest, just bitterness. she tells me she still wants to be together but she just doesn’t know if she can get over the idea that i was previously married for so many years.

    any advice? i know time will heal her. but i don’t want to lose her either.

  164. vision7 says:

    this is very nice. thank you for this. it has made me see a lot more clearly. spot on write up

  165. heart ache says:

    I have been married for 20 years this month and have been with my wife for 25 years (since she has been 19). Although I was 4 years older (and promiscuous) I have always wanted a virgin or someone close to one. On our second date I asked her how many guys she has been with and how old she was when she lost her virginity, and she said 3 guys and her first was when she was 15. My heart sank when I heard 15 because I already felt she was the one for me because she seemed very reserved. Well I got over it pretty quickly and It has not reared its ugly head until now. Last winter I found out she had been playing with herself which was a blow to my ego because I always wanted sex that I did not get and when I did I always tried to make sure she came even if I did not. When I asked her why she felt the need to do it she said it was none of my business and that is was her body and she will do what she wants with it. Then I asked her many times how much she did it and she gave me a different number every time (this went on for months). Well this just enhanced my insecurity of my love making ability even though she said I was great and I know I always took care of her. But if I was so great and wanted to take care of her with my mouth and through sex then why would she need to do it at all.

    Because of all the insecurity and her not offering up the truth, I began to think of her past lovers which were 3, however she told me she was glad about the 1st one at the age of 15 because she was raped and if it were not for her 1st she would have lost her virginity to the rapist. Again, being insecure about her playing with herself (which we both admitted to each other we do not do), I kept wondering if she was telling the truth about the 3 guys. After eating me up for the past six months I made her tell me all the details of all three (big mistake). She drew me a timeline of everything and I have figured out that she was lying about the 1st one saving her from the rapist as she actual had 2 guys before that happened. So she has been lying to me over and over for 25 years every time I would say “ I can’t believe you had sex at 15” and by the way I lost my at 18 after 3 years of dating the same girl. Now her excuse for lying about only having 1 guy before the rape is that she did not want to lose me. Now I kind of feel like she was entrapping me because I never wanted a promiscuous girl. Next in her time line I figured out that if she dated the first guy in 8th grade and had sex in 9th grade she would have been 14 and not 15 but she just keeps saying I don’t know about the timeline but I was 15 (not true). Lastly her time line shows that she slept with her second guy when she was a senior, was raped then, went back and slept with her first guy, got pregnant and had an aborting right after she graduated, then met a guy who supposedly helped her through the abortion so she said it made her like him, so she slept with him as well then he moved away after the summer. I did not know you were supposed to sleep with someone as a reward for helping you?

    So if you put that last year together she slept with all 3 guys, was raped, and had an abortion within a 12 month period. I love her to death and she is a great mother and wife but now I can stop looking at her thinking she was a slut. My stomach is in knots every day and I don’t want to lose her but I just don’t look at her the same any more. I also have bi-polar, OCD, anxiety disorder, and PTSD which does not help my situation.

    My question is: should I forgive all the lies over the past year and find a way to trust her again? And does sleeping with 3 guys in one year make her a slut especially because she knew the last one was moving away and she should not have slept with him just because he helped her get though a promiscuous abortion.

    heart ache.

  166. heart ache says:

    Would love your input Jennifer or any advise would be appreciated as I am losing my wife of 20 years over this.

  167. Dear Heart Ache says:

    I feel your pain. I too have been married a while for 23 years and I had always thought my wife had only been with one guy and that the sex was very vanilla, nothing special.

    We started dating when we were 17 and she was a virgin. I was her first so she said and I still believe her. After dating 2 years I made a big mistake and thought I didn’t love her anymore so I cheated on her. I know I should had broken it off first but I was selfish.

    Well once she found out she wanted nothing to do with me ad she started seeing this kid who was a friend of the family. I learned real quick that I did love her tremendously and had made a big mistake. At the time I remember her telling me he was great in bed and she really loved him but I thought she was saying it to piss me off. It did and I had to have her back after 5 months I finally got her to come back to me and of course after we got back together I questioned everything that had happened with the other guy and she told me nothing really happened and she was just saying that because she was mad at me.

    20 some odd years later and we start talking and I am playing around and asking her about that time acting like I was aroused to here about it. I had always bugged her about it and she always held true to her story that it was no big deal and she was not into it.

    But this time I guess she trusted me so mush and was tired of me bugging her and she thought I was gonna enjoy it I guess so she told me some stuff I didn’t know.

    I was always a confident guy, but she told me he was hotter than me and had a larger penis and was better in bed. She told me he made her do a few things with him that she has never done with me and that she very much enjoyed them but does not want to do again with me.

    After a few days I started to cry about all the stuff and she reeled everything back in. I know she was being honest cause it all added up why she didn’t come back to me right away. Now all I can think of is how in love she was with this guy to do that stuff and what a slut she was and how he probably pumped and dumped her.

    I also love her very much and always have been so happy with her but now I too look at her very differently. It happened 3 months ago and it is still killing me. I started drinking for a while but she found out and threatened to leave so I stopped.

    I try to act confident but I am hurt beyond belief. I can’t talk to her about it now because she thinks I think less of her so she is denying it now once again. I was so happy she was being open finally and honest but I was not ready to hear that he was this amazing lover that made her com like crazy. It blind sided me.

    Now here I am. I think the important thing I’d like to say to you is this. Even though things have changed, I still love her and I know I won’t find a girl with all her wonderful traits so I am going to forgive her for keeping it from me and I know she loves me but I have to deal with the fact she didn’t love me on the same level as the other guy that summer. It sucks but being with out her would suck more. Hope that helps as I myself am still kinda in a daze.

    Any advice for me would be greatly appreciated.



  168. heart ache says:

    I also can’t stop thinking about those 3 guys inside her now. still looking for some options.

  169. heart ache says:

    J, we are both fools for asking in the first place. But in your case I am not sure that I would believe that he was all that great. It does not make sense for her to tell you that after all this time when of course it would devastate you. If she is that great and loves you that much, maybe she was truly trying to get you aroused for a great night of passion to outdo him? And if a girl does something once she will do it again especially if she is your wife and liked it. I think it was all still part of getting you back. I would hold that in my head and not ask her again.

    In my case, although I am insecure, I know I am the best but I can’t stand the lies or the thought of the other guys inside her and how can she be so stupid to let them. Girls just don’t think that maybe someday they will meet a great guy who would want a virgin. And I know she was not in love with any of these 3 guys so why was she F’ing them. It pisses me off to no end but I am trying my hardest to forget as I am told there should be nothing to forgive as this is normal for a teen. My stomach ache every single day for the past couple of months. I have been to 2 councilors and 2 physiatrists and have be on 3 new medicines but nothing seems to help. Everyone just keeps saying your being stupid, it’s normal, just forget about it, and she probably does not even remember them. none of that matters because every time I look at her naked body I imagine some guy crawling inside her. I can’t even look at her while she is watching tv because I just keep thinking what a slut. I have issues for sure because I love the hell out of her and would not want anyone else. she even gave me a hall pass for 1 girl for 1 time the other day to help me get over it but I don’t even want to do that (but maybe that would do the trick?) my point is, that’s what a great girl she is and I know she was not a slut but I just can’t handle the thought of someone else inside my girl! I know I heard that before as well, she was not my girl back then and did not know me.

    Well I hope all this helps somewhat but I don’t believe he was all that as she would not hurt you like that (and if so she is not all that)

  170. heart ache says:

    Oh, and at least you were her first, that can never be taken away :)

  171. heart ache says:

    J, I also wanted your opinion on whether you felt she was a slut or just being a kid and I should forgive and forget?

  172. J says:

    Heart ache, First I will address what you said about my situation then I will address what you said you are feeling.

    First I agree we are both major fools for even going down this road in the first place. I assume you were as much as or if not more so as confident in your relationship as I was to even want to ask these things. I always felt nothing would change how I felt about my wife. I had her on such a pedestal. And my confidence was feed by her beauty and knowing she was all mine.

    I do like your idea of her saying this just to make me happy and she has said that but too many things add up now that I have remembered her saying over the years. Like maybe 5 years into our marriage and it was a Sunday morning we were just waking up and lying in our bed when out of no where she said I am not in love you. I was like WHAT and she quickly said I am just kidding and started giving me oral sex as a sign of guilt but I always remember how truthful she sounded when she said it. I always remembered that, it stuck in my head. Another time she was doing laundry and we were talking about him and she light heartedly said he had a bigger penis and I got jealous cause it sounded real again and she quickly changed her story to calm me down. These are the things that stuck in my head and I didn’t realize until she told me what she told me 3 months ago.

    It just all seems to add up as I pieced it all together and it really makes sense that what she said is true. She has always been a very sexual person but I always thought she was just naturally that way. Maybe you are just being kind and trying to help me forget and move on and I thank you for that or maybe you are right but my gut says this did happen.

    It sounds like your situation is a lot better than mine, at least you know you were her best lover. I know I was not my wife’s best unless your right and she was making it up, but that is hard for me to believe at this point but none the less I am not planning on leaving her for it.

    I can’t tell you what you should do but I can tell you what I am planning to do and that is to love her. It sounds like this woman is your whole world. Just like my wife is to me. Even though we may never look at them the same way the thought of being with out them would only hurt more. You and I are hurt so bad about knowing a guy was with her 20 some odd years ago, could you imagine knowing another guy was all over her and in her recently over and over, I think that would hurt 10 times more. I think woman especially at a younger age tend to have less self esteem and are more inclined to experiment in sex. Your lucky as am I since both our woman have had way less lovers than normal. Forget about the ones that go to college. They have drunken sex every weekend.

    Plus here is another thought. At our age the woman out there are all gonna have had way more sex partners than our wife’s have so if 3 guys is an issue imagine a woman with 40 years of sex under her belt.

    Plus the biggest issue is how much we love them. I know I won’t find a woman like her with her traits and beauty. I guess we are lucky in a way because now we can appreciate what we once had with them and all though we won’t have what we once had maybe it can become better.

    I don’t know hartache it’s been 3 months since she told me and it is all I think about from the minute I get up to the minute I fall asleep.

    My problem is I have no one I would talk to about this. I am thinking maybe talking to a pro would help, but I am a wreck over this. The thing that keeps popping up is how would I live with out her and I can’t image that scenario with out having a panic attack.

  173. J says:


    Also I know what you mean that you can’t look at her watching TV with out think what a slut. I am having the same issues when I look at her all I can imagine is her giving him oral sex. It sucks man! No pun intended!

  174. heart ache says:

    J, I can spend some time each day on this site and maybe we could help each other. One thing I do not understand is why your wife keeps bringing things up that hurt you (that I can’t understand). My wife is afraid to talk to me at all because so many things can just trigger my thought and then I get all pissed off. she told me how great and hard I was the other night and I got upset thinking is that how those 18 year olds were all the time (since I am 50). she is afraid to even give me a compliment now. I know deep down she is not a slut as I knew back then it was 3, but it is the details about their ages and how they met that kill me now because I here things everyday that remind me.I am going to my 4th physiatrists on Wednesday but as of yet nothing has helped. I know someday something will trigger in my head and say you stupid ass it means nothing and get over it, but until then I am full of anger and heartache

  175. J says:

    Heartache, your the first person I have been able to actually talk to about this and I feel better talking to someone who has similar situation. I’m all for us helping each other as I will check the site often as well. I’d like to know how you made out at the doctors. They didn’t help much?

    Also, as far as my wife telling me, she never wanted to, I had to beg and pry it out of her over 20 years. She only told me cause I out smarted her and made her think I wanted to hear it. I guess deep down I always wondered if what she told me that summer was true.

    I don’t know if you read my first post but in there I said how I was her first and then I cheated on her. Once she found out she left me and started dating this other dude, a friend of her family at the time. I knew right away I had to have her back so I would call and beg her to take me back but she was so made at me that she would tell me that she was in love with this other guy and that he was amazing in bed and all this stuff, but I didn’t believe she never said he had a bigger penis so it didn’t hurt me too bad. Then finally after about 5 months she finally came back to me and we got married.

    I had been bugging her our whole lives to let me know the truth cause I always felt there was something I didn’t know but she never would. Occasionally she would throw something out there until she saw me get upset then she would reel it back in. I finally made progress as she was opening up to me. Over the course of 2 weeks this past October she told me a lot of stuff and I was ok with it cause I was confident my penis was bigger but then she hit me with he had a bigger one and that he made her come in positions I have never and that she deep throated him and she has never done that to me before and won’t. Sorry if I am getting to graphic.

    So it was me who wanted to know. She I think just let it slip that he was better in bed. I don’t think she thought it would hurt me because I was pretending to be into it. I totally out smarted myself on this one. lol.

    I was actually having performance anxiety for a while and couldn’t get a bonner for a few weeks when we were about to do it, but I have gotten over it thankfully. That is the worst thing that can happen to a guy let me tell you.

    Anyway, I’d like to hear how you made out at the doctors what they asked you and what they told you to do and such if you wouldn’t mind.



  176. J says:

    Oh and by the way over the past few weeks because she has seen how I was acting now she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and has denied it all. I started drinking on the couch for a while and she caught me and threatened to leave if I kept it up so I stopped that. Probably a good thing she caught me cause I used to drink a lot in the past but gave it up for her. Just figured I add that.

  177. heart ache says:

    J, I also know that when I she is down and we are not having fun together, is when all these thoughts start. But I know both of us need to stop pushing these thoughts on ourselves and divert our attention to something else when it happens (I know, easier said than done). Oh, and I too had my wife on a pedestal which is probably why this is happening to both of us because they are not goddesses, they are just human. after saying all that, I am still pissed!!

  178. J says:

    You make a great point. THEY ARE ONLY HUMAN. Great point. I don’t know, maybe we can figure this out together.

  179. heart ache says:

    j, yes I read your whole blog but when you said she woke and said she did not love you anymore, that is when I question some of the stuff she is doing. Doctors wow, OCD, anxiety disorder, manic bipolar depression, and PTSD. the last doctor thinks all this is related to being physically and emotionally abused by my mother who died about a year ago when this and other problems started. I am on all kinds of drugs but nothing works except maybe some valume because you are a little out of it and don’t think. I will let you know what the new doctor says after Wednesdays appointment. I am sure it will be the same, stop, you are wrong, she did not belong to you, she is aloud to have a past, she is not a slut, she lied to protect you, yada, yada, yada

  180. J says:

    Its funny everything we did over the last 23 years now seems different like I have to re think everything when I look back on it. Even looking at old pictures of her, now I see her different in the pictures. Or watching an old movie we liked together it doesn’t seem the same. It really sucks, lol. The hardest part is feeling like you lived a lie. It’s tough but talking to you is a blessing for sure.

  181. heart ache says:

    Let me say one more thing and then I have to go until tomorrow. I know it is our egos that are causing us all this pain but that does not mean you wife could not have kept with her original story and my wife could have just stayed a virgin since she did not love any of the guys. Talk a morrow

  182. J says:

    Sorry to hear about your past with your Mom. I had great Mom and I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for you. I did have a verbally abusive step father though which sucked.

  183. heart ache says:

    I feel the same as you my friend as we were head over heals in love for 25 years and now things are different for her and I. I feel we will get through this in time. Try and have a peaceful rest of your day J.

  184. J says:

    Thanks Heart ache,

    I have to say your comment about our ladies not being Goddesses and just being human has really helped me a lot at least for the time being. Something clicked, not sure how long it will last but thanks for that. It is amazing how the mind works. Sometimes just a few words can change your whole perspective. It has made me realize another issue for me.

    The thing I think I am hung up on the most, I know you don’t have this issue but I keep wondering why she never did the same thing to me and doesn’t want to that she did to him sexually (mainly a deep throat). I keep thinking two reasons. 1. This is the one I hope, she sees me in a cleaner way an does not want to perform such dirty acts with me. or 2. She just is not as turned on by me as she was by him.

    She did say he was super hot and had a perfect 6 pack body, he was taller than me and was a better kisser and a great dancer. Don’t get me wrong I am a good looking guy with good height and always had muscles but never a six pack. I can’t dance to save my life though. I keep thinking he was just a sex toy to him and that he pumped and dumped her. That is what hurts the most actually. Thinking he dumped her. She probably did all these things and it made him disrespect her and it turned him off. Cause I know I was always turned off by woman that did dirty things like that. So I don’t know. But thanks for the nice words, hope you have a peaceful day too.


  185. J says:

    Heart ache, I don’t think I’m getting over this anytime soon, man. Just heard a few songs that I loved from Boys to men and a few other groups that reminded me of how hard I had to work to get her back and when I finally did get her back way back when and they just don’t sound the same now. Instead there is just a beautiful pit in my stomach. It’s sooo sad man. I can’t help but cry. Sad, sad! Don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will ever find my way back to that state of bliss. I think I am hurting even way more than I realized. Wow I hope I am not bumming you out!

  186. heart ache says:

    morning J, so my stomach was hurting all day so when I got home I just took a valume and slept on the coach. my wife sent me a text at 8:30 last night that I did not get until this morning stating thank you for the beautiful anniversary ring and the love notes around the house. she thinks I am upset about that and no matter how many times I tell her I will never forget about the lies and the other boys, she just doesn’t get it. I would rather her say, ” honey I am so sorry for lying to you and for sleeping with those other boys as both were so, so, stupid of me, please forgive me” I would say everyday if the rolls were reversed whether I thought I should or not.

  187. heart ache says:

    Sorry J, did not see yours. Have you tried talking to your wife about it and telling her how much you are hurting and how much you love her and need the pain to go away? maybe she will respond in a way that you need?

  188. heart ache says:

    and I meant to say on my first one that she thinks I am upset because she did not thank me enough, it is the fucking boys that you slept with (without a rubber I might add)

  189. j says:


    Yea I know what you mean. Last night I got really blue. I was feeling good all day after thinking about your comment of no one is perfect but that didn’t last, lol. That seems to be the way of it. I can trick myself into thinking Im ok for a while but then those images just keep coming back.

    I sometimes think I should just divorce her, but I have 3 great kids who would be hurt if we separated. I am also so back and forth that I am sure once I divorced her Id be begging her to take me back. This uncertainness about the future is killing me.

    I find it hard to picture what things will be like in a year from now. My job is suffering, my friendships have all slowed down since I have nothing on my mind but her and I can’t talk to my friends about her.

    What am I going to say, “hey what did you think of the superbowl oh yea oh me oh well I found out that my wife deep throated a guy in her past”
    I mean I am going stir crazy!

  190. j says:

    To answer your question, I cant talk to her about it. Cause now she is denying it all cause she thinks Im so hurt and she thinks that’s the only way to help me or she just doesn’t want to deal with my jealouy. She has completely retracked her stories and I know they are true. You know how you can when your wife is being honest or not, you know what I mean, you can just tell.

  191. j says:

    Sorry to hear you had a bad night too

  192. j says:

    I think an apology would be huge. I would like to hear some reassurance that she loves me too. I feel unloved by her like she only came back to me because he dumped her and she thought I was the best she could get.

    I wish I never asked her but then again I cant imagine not knowing this and being a tool for the rest of my days. I don’t know heartache I guess time heals all wounds. I always believed everything happens for a reason so maybe there is some good to come from all of this for both you and me one day.

  193. heart ache says:

    Well I can tell you I wish I would have never asked. Especially because 3 guys is not really that bad, although she did lie to me. with my fucked up head that will not let things go, I should have let it go when she said 3 and not asked for details. I don’t know who’s place I would rather be in because at least your wife was your first and there was only 1 more but I could not handle hearing someone is better. I don’t know your wife but that is really shitty to tell you that again when of course that will hurt (but I really don’t want to be critical of her because I don’t know the whole situation. Like my wife, when I asked for details she did not need to say no rubbers (how would I have found out) she also did not need to say she went back to the first after F’ing the second one. They should both know that guys don’t want to hear that shit. And both should have down played them as they were nothing, bad in bed, and do not compare to you. I have had girls (and a lot) that were way better in bed than my wife but do you think I would ever tell her that? Hell no. We will get through this J. I have already wrote up my 2 page history of what has happened to my wife and I this year for my counselor tomorrow but I am sure he will just say let it go or you will lose her.

  194. heart ache says:

    From my wife

    :( This is just a bad time of year, not just weather but the stuff with Jared and the stuff with us. I am feeling sad and I feel really bad that you didn’t book that flight when it was so cheap. You only turn 50 once and you deserve to get what you want on your birthday!

    At least she is acknowledging that there is stuff still going on with us as normally she thinks as soon as we talk it is forgotten, but it is never forgotten. just goes away for a while sometime.

  195. J says:


    I read you brought her an anniversary ring and left love notes? I wonder if you are doing what I have been doing and that is over compensation my love. I have noticed I have been overly telling her how much I love her trying to reassure her of my love since I fear she will think I love her less because of the news she told me. I wonder if you’re doing the same thing.

    Was your stomach hurting because of her? Why were you sleeping on the coach? What does she think you are upset about, I didn’t understand.

  196. J says:


    Why don’t you try asking some tough questions to the counselor. Tell him that the three Drs before him said the same thing and IT DIDNT HELP.
    Maybe you can help him help you. I asked a few questions in my last post too. What is this letter from your wife about?

  197. J says:

    My wife told me he was better by accident. I was pressing her for the info cause like a car wreck I just couldn’t look away and had to know everything. So I made her think I was enjoying her stories. After years of trying to get this info I finally figured out how to get it. Just like you I used time lines of things she told me in the past and things she was saying recently and deduced he was longer than me and had more stamina. Not that I am horrible in bed I can hold my own. Just sucks when we broke up she had to come across super dick.

  198. J says:

    She actually did admit it though so technically she did say those things. I know it sounds harsh of her and I though and think the same thing, “why would you tell me that” but I think she was just being so open and didn’t understand or was to stupid to know where the line was. My wife is not the sharpest tool in the shed but she makes up for it by being a stubborn brat. lol.

  199. heart ache says:

    Sorry J, I should not have put your wife down that is not helping the issue which is us and not them. My apologies sir!

  200. heart ache says:

    give me a sec to write it all. you have wrote a lot.

  201. heart ache says:

    yes I am doing what you do some of the time by over compensating and wanting to sexually please her nearly every single day even if I do not get taken care of. yes I bought her a 2 carrot diamond ring a few weeks ago and took her the key west for our 20th anniversary. 2 days ago I talked with a cousin who told me to stop dwelling on the bad and think of all the good in her (which is a lot as she does anything I want her to do) so I posted sticky notes all over the house to compliment her for everything. not sure about the note but she did just the other day give me a note saying I could sleep with 1 girl 1 time to help me feel better (that is how great she is). and yes I am going to tell the doctor I heard it all before so I don’t need to hear the same shit. I actually want to go to a hypnotist (if they work) and erase it from my mind. and I forced it out of my wife and she told me mostly every bit of true so I have no one to blame but myself but she could have down played it all or stated that she was just very stupid, and young and was searching for attention, or something like that.

  202. heart ache says:

    and yes my stomach hurts everyday because of her and I sleep on the coach when it is too much to handle and then she knows I am upset and she gets a little upset because she knows I am hurting but she does not want to talk about it anymore and I don’t know if I should.

  203. heart ache says:

    Also, when my stomach is hurting like that, if I did not take valume I would be up all night. so I take my crazy pills and my valume and it knocks me out. Late night I fell asleep about 7 or so while she was working out so she knows I was felling bad. She could say so many things to help me out but I don’t think she understands the things I need to hear (even if they are untrue). Again, I would do it everyday if that is what it took to help her get through something.

  204. heart ache says:

    Wow, I just realized while my wife and I were emailing today I sent her a screen shot of air fare and on one of the internet tabs was the name of this site. I don’t think she caught it or would scroll all the way down to the bottom. I don’t know if that would be a good or bad thing if she read all I have written, but maybe she would finally truly understand what I am going through. I need to watch that next time. Wow

  205. heart ache says:

    J, sometimes when I talk to people about it or write to you about it, I am not sure if I am adding fuel to the fire or it is helping. Do you think it is helping you or making it worse because we are thinking of it every day so how can we ever forget about it. or do you think something we say will just make something click in our heads and we will fell better. getting no work done again!

  206. J says:

    Heart ache

    First, let me say I think talking to you has helped me to feel not so alone. Unlike you I have no one I would ever feel comfortable talkin gto about this, so to answer your question yes you have been a great light for me, I hope I can and have provided some help to you as well.

    It seems to me that both our wives don’t want to talk about it anymore. I know my wife don’t, if you wife does then you should certainly keep the airwaves open and discuss it further with her.

    My wife due to the fact how I reacted has completely denied everything and gets so angry when I bring it up that I stopped trying to bring it up. I feel I am hurting her by bringing it up or acting sad so I have been putting on a happy face. I do love this woman more than life and I sometimes have to remind myself that.

    Wow your wife seems pretty great to allow you to have a weekend pass so to speak. I don’t think that doing that would be wise because it might be a test. She would probably reget it if you wnet through with it or she probably knows you so well that she figures you would never do that to her, Either way I would stay clear of that path if I were you. Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.

    I do think we can help each other, you seem like a smart guy and I have a relatively high IQ and kind of always though of myself as a little bit of a psychologist. My friend seem to come to me for advice all the time and I can usually work out problems that are psychological.

    I just haven’t been able to get a handle on this situation yet, but I do feel I am getting there and you are definitely helping. It is great to have some one in the same boat that I can throw ideas back and fourth with.

    This does not seem like a common situation we are going through so there are probably limited resources out there on this area. If you feel like we are beating a dead horse or if this feel like its not helping I would understand as I don’t want to make you have to think about it every day. But I enjoy talking about it with you instead of bottling it all up.

    Don’t worry about the comment on my wife, no offence taken. I know your only trying to help.

  207. J says:

    I realized something today and that was that even though this guy had a bigger wang and was better in bed she did choose to marry me and as a rule woman don’t usually marry guys they don’t find adequate so that made me feel better that he might have a bigger package but I am the total package. Maybe I had a better combination of things than just being good at sex.

    As for you I would hope you are able to start sleeping in the bed every night with her soon as I think that could cause her some anxiety not that I am a DR or anything, lol. Have you tried asking her to apologize if that would make you feel better or would that seem weird to you? Also is she willing to talk about it or did you tell me all ready?

  208. heart ache says:

    good morning J, I went out again after work and had a few drinks to make the pain go away and the wife is pissed. I know I am doing it because of tonight’s appointment and all I can think of right now is her passed.

  209. heart ache says:

    J, on the hall pass she wrote “don’t ever feel guilty and tell me or I will divorce you”. I am wondering if I did use it I would feel like I have something over her now (or I would feel guilty) and it would make me forgive her. We have talked about it 3 times since December and she said the last time, I am on my own now as she does not want to talk about it anymore as it was almost 30 years ago and she was a kid. she is right but it is still hard because there have been a few white lies this year and she has never, never done that. Also, I am willing to keep talking to help I was just wondering if you thought it was helping. and you are right about the total package, if he was, she would be married to him and not you. although I am of decent size I ask wouldn’t you like me to be a little bigger and my wife says no because sometimes it hurts (she could be just saying that though). I wrote out 2 full pages to read to the dr. to save time so we will see if that helps.

  210. J says:

    Heart ache,

    I hope you don’t mind but I am going to give you my honest opinion. I don’t think you should do it. It is nothing positive. It would just be adding a negative to a negative. I also think that even though she says it would be ok and is being very convincing of that I still think she would be crushed if you went ahead with it. She may be doing it to see where this relationship is and that could be the piece that pushes her away for good.

    As men we are here to protect our woman which I know you have done for a long time and they are supposed to protect us. I know in both our cases they did not protect us very well but I think neither intentionally meant to hurt us and meant well as they trusted us enough to open up. Think of all the stuff you didn’t tell her. I know I have not told my wife hardly anything to spare her feelings so when I get mad at her for holding this back I have to remember I did it too. It doesn’t mean you love your wife any less, right? And I am sure it doesn’t mean they love us any less.

    I think sleeping with another woman would only hurt her and if you’re like me I know that is the last thing you want to do to her. I have a funny feeling we are gonna end up loving our wives even more than we did before out of this because finding these things out about our wives has certainly tested our love and if we can forgive them and move on and still love as much as we once did then we know for sure we adore them and we can put them back on that pedestal where they belong one day.

    I know how bad you’re hurting but I don’t see anything positive from a one night stand. You seem like a guy who really loves your woman and doing this would probably cause you more pain that it would her because it would hurt her and then you would blame yourself for hurting her. She is probably so tired of hearing about it that she doesn’t know what else to do.

    I know I drove my wife nuts trying to make her explain herself and she finally shut it all down. That’s why I am just trying to listen to her now when she says she had enough as I feel I am driving her away. So I have been giving her some space and talking about other non important stuff just to let her know or at least think I am over it so that she will feel loved and that I trust her again.

    I am still in love her and I know your are very much in love with your wife. Let me know how you make out tonight.

  211. heart ache says:

    J, I think this is a great true statement!
    “I know I have not told my wife hardly anything to spare her feelings so when I get mad at her for holding this back I have to remember I did it too. It doesn’t mean you love your wife any less, right? And I am sure it doesn’t mean they love us any less.”

    I have not told my wife about any of my past but she has not asked and would probably be devastated! One thing about the hall pass, she does not want to know if I do it, it would be for my therapy only and she said she would divorce me if she found out. I have never cheated on her but it does sound intriguing as I think it may fix the problems. don’t know if I could follow through though..

  212. J says:

    After all isn’t true love about excepting ones faults unconditionally. Just a thought. Hope you have a great day buddy!

  213. J says:

    A hall pass is every mans fantasy but I think where your head is at right now it would only add to the confusion. Maybe that is something you explore down the road when you have this relationship back spinning like a top.

  214. heart ache says:

    when does this aching in your stomach ever stop. why can’t we just shut down the pictures in our mind and think of the good things only. my wife has so many good qualities I can’t count them. But all I do is think of what she did 30 years ago, what an idiot I am.

  215. heart ache says:

    My wife seems cold today because I am going to see the counselor about her. I said you seem mad, she said “Nope….this isn’t easy for me either and sometimes I have down days just like you” and I asked can you tell me why? she just keeps saying it does not matter. Well it matters to me and maybe if she said something to make me feel better about the situation I would.

  216. heart ache says:

    well J, I just emailed my sister who has been trying to help me and I told her I am getting madder and madder as the day goes on thinking of my appointment tonight. she straight out told me that I am going to lose my wife, my job, my family, everything if I can’t figure out a way to get past this. and she is right. I hope my meeting goes well tonight. I will let you know tomorrow.

  217. J says:

    I think all these things you are doing like sleeping on the coach, going to the doctors, going out are maybe unconsciously or maybe not to show her how hurt you are. I think that could be having a negative effect on her rather than the one you are looking for.

    I tried that myself, listen to songs that reminded me of us while I cried, drinking by myself on the coach kind of hoping she would catch me so she could see how much I was hurting and would feel bad about what she said and did. Well she did catch me and all it did was make her look down on me for drinking, lol.

    I know it is the toughest thing I have had to go through and it sounds like it is for you too. I think you should project confidence to her and see how she responds. Woman love a confident guy and even if you have to pretend at first it might help her to see you more confident
    over this situation. You don’t want her to start looking down on you or feeling sorry for you, thinking you are weak because that could cause her to lose that fire she has for you. Try and be loose around her for a while, take a step back and try to do the things you used to do before she told you anythging.

    I know my wife started looking at me differently for a while because I was acting very insecure and kept asking her if she loved me. Then I was over compensating my love and trying to hug her all the time and tell her how much I loved her, but I didn’t realize at the time I was coming off as very needy and it was turning her off.

    Keep the upper hand heart ache, like the old commercial, try not to let her see you sweat. I know easier said then done.

    The pain in your stomach will go away. Just keep reminding your self what you told me. SHE IS ONLY HUMAN, not a God so try to except her in this new light and remember and realize how much you adore this woman.

    Except that you may never get an apology and remember woman have a different way of thinking then us men. They don’t realize how much they are hurting us sometimes and it’s our job to realize that they don’t realize it. We were put her to protect them not so much the other way around. I hate to say it but I feel sometimes it is a good idea to think of them as possessions. Something we can get enjoyment out of if we take good care of. That we have to care for and keep maintained or it will break down and just like a possession they don’t give back anything then the enjoyment you get from having them, lol.

    Hope your meeting goes well.

  218. heart ache says:

    J, my meeting went well and he stated that I have insecurity issues that I need to deal with and my wife did nothing wrong. I asked him if I could at least ask her never to lie to me again and he said as long as you say it nicely. when I got home she asked how it went and I said good and the doc says he is going to work on my insecurities but I need you to make me a promise. she said what, and I said promise me you will never lie to me again and she got all upset denying she had ever lied. so I stormed out of the house and went to the bar. she texted me to come home but now I was so pissed I texted her more questions about how she could sleep with those guys and other things about her past. she said I will not talk about that any more. so I said, don’t bother worrying about me coming home if you are not going to answer my questions. well she said she would pick me up when I am ready to come home and we will talk about my questions tomorrow when I am sober. well around 3 in the morning she got me off the couch and asked me to come upstairs to talk. she was crying and said she cant handle this anymore and wants a divorce. well after a little bit she let me ask more questions and we worked it out but she said I have mad her want to kill herself. I need to keep going to the doctors and fix my insecurities because she said she was just a kid, no one was bigger, and they did not even know what they were doing. so that is what I have been jealous of, nothing! still wish she was a virgin but she is only human.

  219. J says:

    That sounds good bro, it sounds like when push came to shove she broke down and at least was willing to answer some questions. That is very good. Glad the doctor helped, I think I have insecurity issues as well. It seems that is the root to most jealous guys. It sounds like you are on your way. I am doing much better too. Our talks have helped and it’s funny but when I try and give you advice I’m taking my own advice as well kind of self heeling. Good luck!

  220. heart ache says:

    you too. I am going to take the rest of the week off writing about it to see if that helps but I will check in Monday. btw, there was one answer I needed and might have fixed it all and that was the last guy. after sleeping with her second guy and breaking up, getting raped, and sleeping back with her first guy, having an abortion she then slept with the 3rd guy (all in 12 months). I asked her how she could do that and she said I liked him, so I said oh, all you had to do is like someone and you will fuck them. of course that was the end of the talk but I will remember her answer and never get over that forever because that makes me think of her as a slut then. but I am done talking bad but I wanted to tell you.

  221. J says:

    Yea its rough bro, today I had a hard day. Thinking of her with him it was a bad day. It is such a roller coaster ride, one day good one day sad. it sucks man. Sometimes I think I want to just leave her then the next I feel like I cant be with out her.

  222. heart ache says:


  223. heart ache says:

    huge fight on Friday night. Tell you about it tomorrow

  224. J says:

    Hey Heartache, sorry to hear that. What happened? I actually tried talking to her tonight and I was asking her if she loved me when she married. Based on her stories I have deduced she was probably dumped by this guy and then came running back to me. So now I keep thinking she loved him and he didn’t want her which has totally screwed up my ego but I still love her and tried talking she was listening for a while but kept saying I am not going to talk about it no more so I said fine I will just bottle up my feelings then I don’t know today all I did at work was mope! People are noticing hoe sad I am at times. I think I started to have a panic attack. I felt light headed and almost fainted. Had to get up and shake it off. Hope you’re doing ok at least!

  225. J says:

    I feel like the only way we can resolve this is to talk it out but she doesn’t even want to discuss it so I have to do it all on my own.

  226. J says:

    So we talked a little more and she told me it was just a f**k. That he was really good in bed and that it was just empty sex. So I asked her why she did it if it was empty and she told me she was mad at me for cheating on her and she wanted me to suffer.

    She said she didn’t know he was gonna be so good in bed but that I had broken her heart and she stayed with him to hurt me which is what she said way back then so I kind of believe it. That I was the only one to break her heart (that I don’t know for sure). And that when she came back to me it was because she loved me and wanted me for me. I get the feeling the other guy was not giving her any attention just using her for sex and probably degrading her but she put up with it for a while and then she probably realized she was getting used and said the heck with this Im going back the guy that is begging me for my love. That is kinds how I see it now.

    I guess I have to live with the fact that some Ahole with a bigger wang gave my wife the best sex she ever had, but I guess that is the price I have to pay for cheating on her in the first place. I think I can get over it. I love her very much and I would never leave her for something that was not even her fault. She was not in the wrong so I can’t even get made at her. She ran to him to get over me and he took advantage of her while she was hurting. She enjoyed it but I can tell she is not proud of the fact she enjoyed it so it hurts but at least I can rationalize it a little. Luckily I am pretty confident as I think a lesser man would not be able to stay and deal with it. None the less it doesn’t make it any less painful.

  227. heart ache says:

    Hello J, I kind of agree that if you cheated on her you have no one else to blame. I would have told her though that if you really love me why would you keep hurting me by telling me how great he was when you know that hurts me. you could lie even now and tell me that was all untrue so I would not be hurting. Maybe she is still hurting from you cheating and maybe you could apologize more?

    Well my weekend was crazy bad. we fought until 6 am Saturday morning and most of the day Saturday and made up on Sunday. Friday night she said she wanted a divorce so I told her fine you f’in slut, no one is going to want you nor treat you like I did. I also told her that when she was playing with herself I hope she gave herself the best cum of her life because it cost her a 20 year marriage. later I went back up stars to say other things (I don’t remember) but did tell her I wanted a divorce as well because I can’t live with a slut who cares more about taking care of herself than her husband. about 2 hours latter she came down stars and asked me to sleep in the bed with her so I did. she left at 6:30 am and I left at 9 am as we both had different things to do. since the hurt was not over for me I sent her a text later that day stating everything I was feeling, like those guys were pigs, all they did was use you for sex, and how could you sleep with the 3rd in the same year after having been raped and having an abortion. she then text me back that she was so sorry for everything she did to me and wishes she could take everything back including sleeping with the boys and lying to me. she said I will so badly that I would forgive her for everything and she is sorry she hurt me so badly. Well since I got most everything off my chest and even felt that she hated those boys for using her I felt much better. it is still not easy as things remind me everyday but the pain is getting less and less. I know it is because I laid it all out on the table and did not hold back. not many girls would have taken that and she came back with an apology and nothing else. I don’t know if my pain will ever go away completely but I have been feeling slightly better each day. I go to another doctor tonight to work on my self esteem as maybe that is where all this stems from but I know she brought it out of me. everyone keep quoting the Bible about forgiveness and if you truly love someone so that is what I have been focusing on. I do not know if I am over the hump but I will let you know.

    Remember, I am not the expert so do what ever you think needs to be done in your relationship and maybe try and ask her to tell you things you could do better in bed (but not to be like him). you do not have to be the biggest to be the best. I go down on my wife at least every other day and once 3 times in one day. I make sure I am taking care of her orgasm every time and don’t worry about mine and she thinks I am a god. I am also just over 6″ but have some width and still make her cum like crazy ( with the help of one of our fingers) so you don’t have to be King Kong to be the best, you just have to read up on it like I do and buy toys to use on her every now and then to mix it up.
    Good Luck buddy!

  228. heart ache says:

    J, one more thing that I thought was important for me to say to her. I told her a couple of times what kind of girl jumps from guy to guy that quickly and sleeps with them so fast? I told her that I waited 4 months for you (much longer than these boys) be cause I respected you and I wanted you to love me before we did it. I think that made her think that they were mistakes and she should not have slept with them. if I know she truly regrets it, I feel I can forgive her. and I do love the hell out of her, and this was 28 years ago (except for the white lies).

  229. Giselle says:

    Wow! This article hit everything right on. I am jealous of my fiancees past with women. Just yesterday, I came across old emails and photos of him (time stamped 2013) around the time we met. I was crushed! I comforted him and he said that they were before we met, then was bothered with the fact that I didn’t respect his privacy. He accused me of digging up the past. He is right! I can’t seem to drop it. I believe my jealousy stems off of not feeling as though I’m “enough.” I am miserable. I knew I was a jealous person, but your article enlightened me as to were my jealousy originates. I want to move on and let this go, but why is it I feel I need to get even for something I wasn’t even present in.

  230. J says:


    Feeling as though you are “not enough” is the worst feeling in the world and I can relate big time, but don’t let that make you throw away a good thing. If he is with you and he has done nothing wrong while he has been with you then you really can’t blame him for the past. For 6 months I have been trying to figure a way to travel back in time 22 years ago and not cheat on my then girlfriend and future wife. My cheating led her to break up with me then and then she had a summer fling with a guy who I very recently found out was an amazing lover and made her do things to him that she has never done to me. I can’t tell you how badly I feel “I am not enough” and to top it off it was my fault.

    At least you don’t have to blame yourself since you had no control over what he did before you met him. Getting even would only make things worse as it seems you love him very much or you wouldn’t be so crushed and hurting him would probably only make you feel guilty on better.

    The misery will fade as soon as your mind can rationalize this situation. It will take a few months at least.

  231. heart ache says:

    J, my wife normally likes it on all 4s because if fells better for her but I like it missionary sometimes because I like to see her face when she cums. she sent me a text Tuesday stating ” I want to lay on my back tonight and take everything you give me and want you to tape me cum so you can watch it anytime you want”. she is trying very hard and I am feeling better until I have to go to the doc which was yesterday. as soon as my wife left work at 3 and we stopped emailing as I work till 5 I got lonely started thinking about her past again and the doctors office discussion we were going to have. now the doc wants to see her. so yes it is hard but can get better but definitely takes time and you need to work on yourself because we are the ones that are broken and need to be fixed not them (even if we don’t agree with what they did with out us). no I cant think that way yet.

  232. heart ache says:

    Giselle, jealousy is the worst monster you could have inside you and you need to get rid of in now before it festers into more. Either you love and trust your man or you don’t. if you don’t then run now! but if you truly do then drop this now and stop going through things as you may run into something else from his past and you do not want to do that to yourself. take it from me and J, asking questions and digging into the past have made us both miserable and has put our marriages on the rocks at times. People have pasts and we all need to accept that but please do not go searching it out as it only will tear you up inside. both J and I wished we had ever asked the questions we did and we are both tormented by what we found out and in the end it should not have meant nothing because we were not with them at the time. please, please listen to me and stop now as the road down jealousy lane is loaded with heartache. I hope you will take my advise and love your man for who he is today.

  233. heart ache says:

    J, good week for me and my wife as far as getting along and fooling around, however, I still have thoughts everyday and my stomach aches a little bit still. I still feel like I want her to pay somehow but I do know I have made her suffer a lot. I hope this whole thing goes away soon as this has been the worst 4 months of my life. I am worried that my therapist wants to see my wife and I gave him a huge typed list of all the thinks she should not have done and how she has upset me. don’t know if he will actually go over it with her but there were a bunch of questions I still want answers to (but only if the are the answers I am hoping they will be). selfish I know, but I could not handle any more pain. I am not sure if my wife will even go because I bet she is thinking that we are all good now just because I have not bashed her for her past in a week now. I know I said I was going to stay away from this site but it does help me to get these things off my chest. where have you been? Have a great weekend. me.

  234. J says:

    Hello heart ache,

    The doctor wants you to bring her in. That could be a good thing. Cause at least he will have an open forum where you both will have to answer. You may not like what he says especially if it validates her but it may be the best thing in the long run for you. Glad to hear you had a good week.

    I’ve been feeling better. I am starting to feel powerful like nothing can break me. I do know she loves me and the fact that she chose me over him even though he was a greater lover has made me feel better about myself. Now if she was dumped and then came running back to me it hurts but I have to look on the bright side that at least I got to spend my life with her and I found out one really important thing. That I might actually be the luckiest guy in the world. Cause I know what it is like to truly love a woman unconditionally and above all else. I don’t know how many men can say that.

    I’m here for you heart ache any time you want to get things of your chest. In fact I will probably check this site frequently to possibly be of help to any others that are feeling hurt like us and need some one to talk to.

    Have a wonderful day and I will say a prayer for you.

  235. heart ache says:

    Thanks J, another good weekend. the doctor wants to see her alone and I wrote him a 2 page note of everything that goes through my head. maybe she will then understand how badly I was hurt while also understanding that I am sick as I don’t think she gets that my afflictions cause my thoughts. I also made him promise the she gives permission to him to tell me what she says so I know how she really feels about it. my stomach has finally started to feel much better but I still think of the thing she did every day. No matter what radio show, tv show, movie, or conversation (even with her) something ends up reminding me of the things she has done. But getting better.

    Glad for you!! Do you have kids? If you do, that is the biggest compliment that a woman can give to you that you are the man she is willing to have children with.

  236. J says:

    Hey heart ache, Im so glad you are getting better. I am getting there too but I still have my sad moments. I sometimes feel so all alone now. I have way more anxiety then I ever did and my job is suffering. I think sometimes I kid myself that I am getting better. I don’t know. I suggested to her that I might want to see a therapist and she said I don’t want anyone knowing our business. So I was hurt by that but agreed with her.

    I still have such feelings of aloneness and sadness. I think Im getting better but then one thought pops in my head and I feel sad again. Our talks are very helpful and have helped me a lot. Just got to keep pushing forward as they say time heals all wounds.

  237. heart ache says:

    J, I wish your wife would go to counseling with you. my wife and I has been going separately or together this whole time. I have a new one now because the old one was not doing any further good for us but it does give us both a chance to say what we really want to say on an even playing field and you tend to fight less because you are at there office. You are not spreading your business all around town, you are fixing what is broken in your marriage by talking with 1 person. it helps even if you just go for a while and give her time to come around. I would tell you “do you not want me to get better?” let her know you really need this but I would use a man who understands how men feel. my first was a woman and although she was very good tended to take my wife’s side more. the new guy is Christian as well and he has made the comments that her past are mistakes (which I love) everyone else says it is normal to fuc k around when you are you, basically no big deal and get over it, but not my new counselor. I think my wife will get upset if he calls them mistakes but I don’t care as they are because she did not love any of them. I will keep you informed, going to another doc tonight to get more medicine. Keep your chin up and get to a counselor!

  238. heart ache says:

    Leaving for counseling in an hour and now my stomach is back in knots. this is only my phsyc doctor for medicine but we will still talk some and I am worried it is going to get me pissed off at my wife because today I have not been thinking about it so much. I will probably grab a 40 on the way and he will be pissed because he does not want me drinking on these meds at all let alone drinking and driving but I need something other that my valume to calm me down. wish me luck!

  239. heart ache says:

    Also J, I wanted to say this before, you should ask your doctor for valume as they definetly help calm your stomach down. you can start with 1/2 if it is too much for you. I can take 2 at a time and drink so they can be that bad. You should ask. and there cheap (diazepam)

  240. Daniel Lz.. says:

    I’m so gladful to read your article and this Jealousy is my main problem with my girlfriend. Now, iam ready to take a step forward to forgive her and make Amends with her by discussing with her.

    Guy’s who are also having this same problem,I want you to encourage you to moved forward by not keeping your Jealousy feeling in secret but to openly share all your feeling and dealing the problem with your partner which will really helped you as it helped me.
    Remember as Mother Teresa has said ‘In order for love to be real, it must hurt.

  241. j says:

    Thanks heartache. I think I am going to wait on the meds. I am going to start hitting the gym again and lately we have been talking about how we fell in love. I am starting to think that the sex she with guy way back when was dirty and I think she got used. I don’t think she fells good about it as she has said it wasn’t anything positive. She said there was no heat or love like when she is with me. He was just a talented hip mover. I think she did have feeling for him at the time or she probably would not have done all that she did with him, but maybe she looks at me in a cleaner more wholesome way and I can live with that.

    I have decided to stop pressuring her about it cause I think all I am doing is making her think about him, lol. But yes I have 3 great kids with her and I love my family. I think also the things that were in her past I should be thankful for because it is what made her who she is today and I love who she is today. So today I am feeling good about things. Hope you are doing well bud!

  242. heart ache says:

    Well I am very happy for you J and I think you are on the right track. When I felt my wife did not feel good about her relationships (if true? but I don’t care if not) it made me feel better like she felt they were mistakes and I was not. on a bad note I really f’d up yesterday. I drank on the way to the doctors as I really don’t like going and when I got home I wanted sex but my wife knew I was drinking so she did not but I made her. we after 45 minutes I was not working too good any more and was getting upset at her for not finishing so I just stopped. so I asked her if she wanted me to finish her up and I could tell she was pissed that I did it in the first place so she said of course I want you to finish me up. Well I pulled out this vibrator that I bought for her but only used once as it is big, fat, rotates, messages her insides, and takes care of her man in the boat all at the same time, which is why I only used it one time and got mad when she came. so I pulled it out last night and within 5 minutes she come and I through the vibrator got pissed and we fought all night again. so I kind of know how you feel. I should have known someone in my state should not have pulled that vibrator out last night but I wanted to please her because she asked for it. but her asking is what pissed me off because if you remember my writings she cums like 7 times a week and I thought that was selfish of her just because I was not capable at that time she should have waited till I sobered up in the morning. we have made up but now I will not forget her on all 4s turning around and telling me of course I want you to finish me up now. My own fault for pulling that out but my mouth was not cutting it this time, but I could have pulled out a plain regular one and used my finger with it but I wanted to see if she would take the big one that she knows pisses me off and she did. I went in the garbage this morning $160 down the drain and only used twice but I can’t sit there and stick something inside her that I knows feels better than me by 100 times. she told me today it did not feel that great (protecting my feelings) and I said really? then why did you cum in 5 minutes when you could not for me in 45? she said it was just the vibrating ears hitting her clit. Rough night again and don’t ever get your wife the Jack Rabbit or she will never want you or be able to finish with you. I was trying to be giving but I am not going to have it ruin my sex life and marriage. Me.

  243. heart ache says:

    J, I am going home to have sex right now and her and I are both worried and anxious. She knows she has hurt me again and I am not sure if I will be able to perform as I will be thinking about that Jack Rabbit. she know we are in trouble if I cant perform or she does not have the big O. my stomach is in knots and I am considering canceling because I am thinking of the jack Rabbit more than her. Wish me luck! Me

  244. heart ache says:

    Well J, I got home last night and my wife new immediately that something was wrong (because I was still thinking about her making me finishing her off and I don’t feel that is lady like especially after all the O’s I give her). So she said meet me upstairs and when I got there she was in her undies already. so I stripped down to mine and we hugged for a minute and she said I wish you did not seem upset. I said I am not upset just anxious and nervous and she new it was because I would be thinking of that jack rabbit and also if we both did not make it together (like we have been this past year) I would be upset and blame it on her. knowing I was worried she immediately went down on me for quite a long time (for her anyway) and every thing was working perfect so we got right to it. it lasted about 20 minutes and we both finished together and was great. still going to take me a bit to forget about what she did on Monday night but this is a step in the right direction. Thinking about her past less and less but still think of it every day. the doc quadrupled my meds so maybe that is helping but it only has been a few days so we will see. Just to give you hope, I think time is the healer and we can’t keep re-living it with our wife (even if it is their fault) if we want to move ahead and forget and heal ourselves. Hope you are well. Me.

  245. heart ache says:

    J, and where have you been?

  246. J says:

    I here buddy, so glad to hear it went great. Bacn October when I first heard about this guy I was having an issue with performance anxity but I over came it quickly thank God.

    Hope all is well for you today.

  247. heart ache says:

    today has been good, thanking her for going down on me so long and she said I will complete next time since you loved it so much. we had a deal that she was supposed to do it 2-3 times a month since I do her 4-6 times a week but she complains it to hard to do it that long. I will take what I could get. feel much better today and her past is slowely fading. thanks and I hope we both keep feeling better. me.

  248. heart ache says:

    What do you know J, she had so much fun last night that she just texted me that she wants to go down on me tonight and spray her all over her face! Don’t know if she is feeling guilty or what but I will take it! Me.

  249. J says:

    Thats great I am so happy for you heartache. Keep up the good work.

    I on the other hand have not had sex in a few weeks lol. I spent the day thinking about if I should stay with her or not.

    I read some interesting stuff on line. I think I discovered I am a beta male. I also read that woman are very attracted to Alpha males. I also read that woman who do sexual stuff with one guy and wont do it with another don’t feel they have to do it with the easier going guy. That is me, very easy going, never complain. I guess she was way more attracted to him, and wanted to try harder to please him, that really hurts me knowing that. He must have been really something because I am very good looking, tall and have a decent penis that is above average in length and girth. She did say he was a professional model with a perfect body, so I guess I can’t get mad at her for being more physically attracted to him. My wife is very beautiful. She could have had any guy that I know and she chose me so this dude must have been rea something.

    So I spent my day at work feeling like a beta male. lol. I am still not over this but trying my hardest to keep my head up.

    The thing that sucks the most is not having that feeling of invincibility no more like I had when I thought I was the only one she ever loved. It also sucks that I know I will never view her like I once did. I will view her differently forever and it sucks because I worshipped her. Now she is more human to me and I don’t look at her the same. I actually feel sorry for her because I loved her so much and know I feel she lost something that was so special.

    Say a prayer for me that I can over this soon as it is going on 6 months and I still feel just as bad as I did day 1 hearing it.

  250. heart ache says:

    Wow, I thought you said things were going better J? you sound totally defeated. I really think you should go to some counseling. you can’t be thinking the worst case all the time of divorce as that would be much worse. I know you say you don’t want drugs but I don’t either and I take 5 different kinds (and 2 doctors) but if that is what it takes then so be it. it does not make you less of a man, it makes you more of a man that you are doing this for your wife and no one needs to know. My new mood stabilizer are helping a little right now but now all the way. Even after I new what she was going to do to me last night I came home a little depressed and she mentioned, I can’t believe you seem down when you know about what I am going to do for you later. I could not help it though as on my 45 minute drive home all I did was think about it. I guess it is just going to take some time and my counsilor was on vacation this week and I think he has been helping. I have asked him how I can forget this and he says you are not going to but you are able to forgive her and you will feel the same. so that is the angle I have been trying, trying, trying, to take as she is not a bad person, did not know me yet, and she had been doing everything she can to help. I just am not their yet but maybe you should be trying to forgive her (whether she thinks there is anything to forgive or not). At first my wife said F U, I did nothing wrong I was a kid who did what kids do, not she apologizes and says she wishes she could take it all back for me, and she would! I should be over this but I am not.

    on another note, after having sex on Wednesday I was not able to complete in her mouth so we had sex again instead and we both finished together (as usual). The only time I forget about it now is during sex but when I know I am not getting some, I start thinking about it again.

    Lift you head up brother, because no woman likes a pussy, not even mine, so the more you mope around the less attracted she will be. you need to go down on her 2-3 times a week to show her what kind of man you!!!!! I do it to my wife 3-5 times a week and gave her 9 “O’s” in 7 days a month or 2 ago. Keep being the man so you don’t lose her and eventually this will go away. Time, heals all brother, you just need to accept the you need more time. Talk soon, ME

  251. J says:

    thanks heartache. You’re right I am being a pussy. I need to stop moping around. Thanks, I needed that. I am going to try and focus on making her happy.

  252. heart ache says:

    Also, if you go down on her all the time, you will be twice the man that he was just make sure you lick the button good but also use a smaller than you dildo inside her, during the act or once she starts cumming, they like that. me.

  253. heart ache says:

    J, here I go again. you know how I told you that on Monday she was mean and told me to finish her off with that thing I did not want to use? Well she brought it up on Saturday accidentally and pissed me off again and I had an awful day. Saturday night she had a surprise party for me that she was thinking of canceling. at the end of the night I got pissed at her again and we did not talk the rest of the night and most of sunday. she did say sunday night she will go see my counsilor on Wednesday so maybe she will finally realize how hurt and sick I am.

  254. j says:

    im sorry to hear that your pissed but if she goes to the dr that is great.

  255. heart ache says:

    got into another fight yesterday through emails, then had sex last night and all was good. (never ending cycle) counselor tonight for both of us so I am scared now. I told him he should tell her how I feel but I don’t think he will? I think I am slowly forgetting though :)

  256. J says:

    Hey buddy, at least it seems your getting better. Let me know how it goes tonight. I have been feeling better too. I realized something. I think I was threatened when I heard the news. Threatened I could lose her. I have been researching some things about why we get jealous with our mates and I have learned some interesting things.

    Turns out that jealousy is like an alert siren in our brain that goes off when our territory feels threatened. It is all biological but my conscious don’t realize it. I am alerting myself to something that is not there. There is no threat of her leaving me for this guy and she has never gave me a reason to think she was ever unfaithful. So basically by biological brain is going off because I heard these stories and yet it happened 20 some odd years ago and posses no threat so basically my biological part in my brain is being mis-triggered.

  257. heart ache says:

    That is very informative J, I does make sense but I would like to turn the alarm off all together. but I am glad it is working for you buddy! the doc was OK yesterday, we had a double session and he spoke to my wife for an hour and then me for 30 minutes but he would not tell me about their discussions only that they both think this all stems from my mom and her death about 15 months ago when all this started. kind of makes sense because I was abused every which way but sexually by her and now that she is gone maybe I am taking it out on my wife since my mom is gone? but I don’t know because I would still be mad at some of the things she has done.

    I am feeling better everyday and he gave me a book to read about abused children and how it affects there life. He also just recommended a about insecurities and self-esteem and I don’t have the name with me but I can try and remember to call my wife around 4 and have her get the name of it and maybe you should read it as well. Doc said it would be a big help to me but who knows? but anything is worth trying if there is a chance we will feel better. if I forget make sure you remind me to get the name of it for you as you need to read it as well. So my wife is still at that “time” when she is not feeling great so I told her I would give her a full body message tonight. Even though there will be no happy ending for either of us it will still be fun because I love rubbing her naked body! Keep up the good fight buddy, and BTW my name is Dave.

  258. alexander macdonald says:

    I have been compulsively jealous of my wifes sexual past for 30 years.all attempts to eradicate it have failed.i have spoken to doctors,hypnotherapists,tried hypnosis,i have tried to be nice to my wife,s ex-boyfriend,and all things have failed.not a day goes by,without me imagining the sex they had together,what makes the situation unbearable,is my wife is a nice kind person.the person she slept with is a no-good waster,who only used her for his own sexual gratification.i wish I was writing here,that I was over it,but I know I,m not.i say hurtful things to my wife regarding her past,and regret them afterwards.i feel I have to take my anger,hurt ,and pain out on cruel.

  259. heart ache says:

    I feel your pain Alex, I have been doing the same for the past 1.5 years but seeing new Docs now and taking new meds and it is slowly subsiding but will never be gone, for sure.

  260. Annon says:

    my boyfriend has had many many partners in the past, he is a few years older than me, he was my first, we have talked about our past, but i feel weird when he brings up girls of the past, i am glad he feels he can talk to me about it but sometimes it makes me worried.i sometimes question if i am good enough? he is so good to me and he really does love me, so why do i feel like this? i new his past before we got together, i just worry that he compares me, that i am inadequate or may eventually bore him?
    its tearing me apart, i know its all in my head but i cant help it, i love him.

  261. Lightpost says:

    Jennifer, The feelings one has in this situation go far beyond jealousy. It is a part of it but by no means all. Calling these powerful emotions jealousy trivialises it greatly. Regret, anger, sadness, melancholy, feeling of inadequacy, emptiness, isolation have been part of my life for the last 40 years.
    I have loved my wife from the minute I saw her on a blind date 40 years ago to this day. Nothing will ever change that. She had been dumped by her fiance just two weeks before she was due to be married and was heartbroken. I had asked her out through a friend who told me about her situation. I thought she needed a shoulder to cry on. At least take her out to the movies to take her mind off things. I had not met her before and did not know what she looked like even. As soon as I met her for the first time I knew she was the one for me. Our chemistry was instant. She was beautiful, petite, funny, smart, wanted to go halves with everything and a whole lot more. I felt like I had struck gold.

    Some weeks later after many dates (and emotionally past the point of no return for me) we were parked off the highway having a kiss and cuddle when she dropped the bombshell that she was not a virgin and had regular sex with her fiance. At 24 I was still a virgin and thought that at age 17 she was too.

    She cried and cried using the phrase “second hand rose” several times. She said I was too good for her. That day a knife went through me that is still there today.

    Many times she tried to push me away and I felt my every move was being compared to her former lover.Even after all this time I still do feel that vibe sometimes from her. It took many many months maybe years to rebuild her self esteen and to persuade her that I was the real deal. She was so frightened of getting hurt again that I had to work ten times harder than the average guy to convince her otherwise.

    I vividly remember the day after she told me I was like a zombie. Do I carry on with the relationship and loive with her sexual past or do I lose this wonderful girl I had fallen madly in love with. I would not wish making that decision on my worst enemy. I could not talk to anyone about it. Not her, my brothers, my parents…I felt totally isolated and alone.

    Of course I made the decision to stick with her. I did not want her to be hurt again and could not bear being away from her….. but it did mean that I would have to live with her sexual history for the rest of my life. It also meant that I would never be able to make love to my virgin biride on our wedding night.

    Living with her sexual history has been a lonely nightmare for me. She will not discuss it with me saying that it was before me and therefore nothing to do with me. I think that is partly a defence because she does not want to bring up a painful part of her history. But because I cannot even talk to her about things that just hurts even more. While it is true…she did not directly cheat on me…she took away my dreams.

    We have been together now for over 40 years. My love for her after three children and a fabulous life together is still as strong today as it ever was. I have provided for my family everything they could possibly wish for. A beautiful house, cars some truly fabulous holidays and much more besides. I have always tried to be the best husband and father and worked all the hours God sends to make it all possible. Part of that was to show that I was the type of guy that would stand by her no matter what to try to differentiate me from the other man.

    But in the dark corners of my mind lurks the seeds of doubt that she likely does not love me as much as she loved the man she gave her virginity to. I know that she remembers the day she lost her virginity vividly but does not remember the day we first made love.

    Is that jealousy…I don’t thin that even begins to capture the sense of hurt anbd pain and loneliness that I feel.

    To sum it all up I feel that I have done everything I know how to do to prove my love for her but I will always be the second guy…the runner up.

    For those women reading this who think that giving their virginity away before marriage to the right man (NOT the right penis) please be aware of the damage you will do to a person you have not even met yet.

    I made a decision to live with it many years ago…but it never gets any easier to accept that the woman I love so very much could not share our virginity together.

    That makes me very very sad – no jealous.

  262. Lightpost says:

    Alexander, Me too man. I share your pain. I do not understand women who do that. It always seems to be the good guys that get left to pick up the pieces. If it helps I decided that this was going to be an elephant in the room for us always. Somethig we know is there but will not discuss. I do not bring it up as I know it likely hurts her more than it hurts me. But I sure know how you feel. One of the things I did to stop seeing her previous lover was move to a different country. I used to live in the UK and now live in Canada and a big part of the driver for doing that was I could not stand being near their old haunts but also for her sake I knew these places brought back memories -some good ones no doubt but mostly bad ones.
    As I have mentioned on some other posts here it has affected me on a deeply psychological and emotional level. Sometimes when we are making love I will just lose an erection with a fleeting thought that someone elses penis has been here before. I usually put it down to some lame excuse or other but this is the real truth. Old age works as a good excuse now but she says I need viagra to fix it. I feel tempted to say that the fix was being a virgin when we married instead of giving herself away to useless excuse for a human being. But I resist and keep it all inside my box.

    But this hurts man. After all these years it still hurts and it ain’t ever going away.

  263. Lightpost says:

    Giselle, You made a post her on March 5th that really touched me. You said

    “I want to move on and let this go, but why is it I feel I need to get even for something I wasn’t even present in.”

    After 40 years I still feel exactly like that. I feel this need to even up the score for soething that happened before she knew me. It is not jealousy. I feel wronged but if I tell my wife how I feel she will be hurt and that will be no good. Just bringing up old sores. I haved thought about this alot – always alone as (apart from this site) there is no-one I can talk to. I feel completely snookered. My dreams are destroyed and my wife is in part of the reason for that. But I cannot blame her because I made the decision to live with this and be her partner.

    So I live this very lonely life of regret and disappointment. I feel I did all the right things and the only one that is getting punished is me. Her former lover had 2 virgins. I will never experience that.

    There is much truth to the saying that good guys finish last. I did.

  264. Harmony says:

    Lightpost, you are saying everything as from my heart except that I am the wife. I have been together with my husband for 27 years and there is a little difference here, he did ‘it’ after we started going out together. Before we got engaged, he gave his virginity to a casual fling which lasted for six months. I forgave him and I thought I could get over it but till today, I never could. Eventhough he has been faithful after that till now, my broken heart is still broken. I still love him the same and we love our children dearly. No one knows that I am struggling with this like crazy and I cry almost everyday secretly. My health is also affected and I think it is because of thinking about this too much. I will also never get to experience the virgin+virgin, nervous,excited, kind of first night. My first night was sadness :(

  265. Harmony says:

    Please do say something. I keep having images of them in the ‘deed’. Please help as I am so sad, tired and drained. Anyone who can say something to help me and others who are suffering, please do. I wish everyone reading great happiness, good health and good life.

  266. Lightpost says:

    I cried when I just read your post Harmony. I know exactly how you feel. I am at the same place mentally. I am tired out, drained, fed up, have no drive any more and have nobody to talk to. I thought I could get over it but I have been fooling myself all these years. As you said my broken heart is still broken and I do not know how to repair it. I did not get over it and just like you I keep replaying images of them making love for the first time in my head.
    Your situation is a little bit different from mine but really the heartache and agony is still the same. My dreams for our wedding night were shattered. When she told me a part of me died, I did not believe that it was worth waiting any more…what was the point….so my own virginity (which I gave to her) went long before our marriage….something I had promised myself I would not do. When we had sex for the first time it was just a run of the mill day for her.
    While having sex today is enyoyable I have to make a superhuman effort to blot these thoughts from my mind. But we only do “it” once or twice a year now as often these thoughts prevent me from being able to do it.She thinks it is old age but her sexual history is a huge turn off for me for many reasons.
    Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts with me Harmony. These matters are very hard to write about. It has taken me a long long time to summon up the courage to write here. I use a psuedonym because in some ways I am ashamed of all this and I just do not understand why. Jennifer please give us your insights. I do understand that one aspect of these feelings is jealousy but it goes much much deeper than that. While I know she broke my heart I think she also broke my soul.
    Like you my loss of virginity was complete sadness and my wedding night just a ho hum event that neither she nor I remember very much. No one knows about this except me…and now perhaps the many readers here. It certainly affects me mentally. I think about it every single day. Some years ago I became very depressed so I know the damage it does.
    Need some help Jennifer.

  267. Lightpost says:

    Harmony, When I initially found this site I could not bring myself to write about this. I am finding that writing it down and sharing with people in the same situation is helpful. If nothing else it makes me aware I am not alone in these feelings. For years I thought I was the only one…now it is clear that I am not. Just being able to share this with you and the others here is a huge relief. Your post helped me alot. Thank you so much. It made me realise that it affects both women and men in the same way….something I had not considered before. Thanks again Harmony. What a relief to share this after all these years.

  268. J says:

    Harmony and Lightpost, Something you both have said just occurred to me.

    First, let me tell you my story. I have posted it here a while back but I state it again. I have been married for 22 years. When I met my wife she was a virgin. I took her virginity and was very much in love with her. But being young and STUPID and selfish I decided to explore other options. She found out that I cheated on her and broke up with me.
    Finally after months of begging and praying she finally came back to me and we got married. I always new she had sex in the months we were apart but it never bothered me because I was assured by her that it meant nothing and that I was bigger down there.

    Well 22 years went by and I was sooo happy with her. I worshiped the ground she walked on and was happy beyond belief, I never cheated on her again and we have three great kids together.

    Our relationship was perfect and trusting and just wonderful but then I decided to pry into her past and what had really gone on that summer. My wife had always made me think that the sex she had that summer with this guy who was a friend of the family was underwhelming and meant nothing to her in fact she never really even officially said anything happened just little bits and pieces. I have to admit it I actually kinda enjoyed the thought of it cause it was a turn on for some reason.

    I always tried to pry but she would never tell me anything. Well I must have had caught her in a weak moment cause I asked to tell me. keep in mind I was acting like I wanted to hear it for my pleasure. I kinda did like hearing about it but also I thought I was being slick too thinking I could find out what really wnet down that summer.

    So it started. First she told me they went to a club and she tried ecstasy and then he took to his apartment and absolutely ravaged her. Now I was ok at this point because I was still thinking I was bigger down there.

    Then a few more days later she told a few more things like another night they were up all night and he was tossing her around in all different positions. That stung, but I kept my cool because I was finally getting the truth out of her and I didn’t want to blow it. Plus I was still kinda enjoying at this point.

    Keep in mind she was just saying he was a really fast thruster and that’s why it felt so good.

    All was still ok and then she dropped the bomb on me. We were in the drive thru of our bank as I will never forget where I was when she told me this. She was feeling very comfortable talking to me because I had handled the prior stories well and keep in mind I was acting like I liked it. That’s when she crushed me. She told me she gave him oral sex and that he got really far down her throat and that he had a longer you know what than me. It crushed me on the spot. She had never done that to me. Our sex was always kind of vanilla. So then I added it all up.

    More to come..

  269. Lightpost says:

    Not having a good day today. Depressed as usual. Keep thinking of her first night with him. It’s like a video loop just keeps playing and playing. Don’t know what to do. Tried what Jennifer said. Don’t think it will work for me. I have to end this pain. I can’t bear it any more.

  270. J says:

    She also let it slip that he was a better lover than me and that she was so into him, then I started to add everything up and put little bits and pieces together of things she said throughout the years. I also remember how hard it was to get her to come back to me so long ago. It hit me. She was madly in love with this guy and he must have used her for his sexual gratification and then tossed her aside like a dirty dish towel.

    I was in a daze. I started to cry and she then reeled back. She tried saying she made it up but you can just tell when your spouse is telling you stuff from the heart and when she is lying. This was too real to be fake and she told me over a course of a week and half or so so I know it was all true.

    I have been broken hearted. I feel like yoy lightpost like I was the runner up second best. I feel like she used me as a fall back. It sucks. But then I started to realize how revitalized I felt. My heart was broken but it actually felt good.

    Faulkner a great poet said: “Between grief and nothing, I choose grief.”

    I fell alive , sad at times but almost liberated. I still adore my wife but now I walk with abandonment. I fell like I am not worried about what happens as I was always a very anxious guy. I just will never fell as good about myself as I did before hearing bout the stuff she did. My heart is broken but it is also expaned because the crack in my heart has filled itself in and now my heart is bigger. I don’t think I will ever forget that day in the drivethru of the bank. In fact everytime I go there I get excited and nervous at the same time.

    I have had more passion for my wife and I see her now as more of a sexual object which is kind of sad in a way but it is making me what to get it shape and really know her socks off in the bedroom. I have been driving her crazy with continuing to ask her for me info cause I want to seem as though it does not bother me. She has had enough and wont talk about it any more.

    I still get a little excited thinking of her but then the sadness sets in but its getting easier. I was talking a cool guy named Heart ache on here but he doesn’t post that much anymore. If I can offer any advice to you 2 or if you have any for me please feel free and thanks for listening to my unusually situation which I am not proud of.

  271. Lightpost says:

    Hello J,
    My story is a little different as my wife denied me the opportunity of her virginity – so I will never know what that is like. At least you did have hers. But the rest of our stories is similar.
    This comparison thing hurts me too. My wife will not do anything but straight sex…usually one position but I know she did all kinds of things with her former fiance. She will not talk about it with me…clams up…so I know she is hiding more. She made a comparison once saying my dick was much thicker than his but even that made me sick to my stomach.
    The only time we tried the oral way was doing the “69” position on our honeymoon and she stopped halfways through. She slipped up saying it was not as good as the last time…except the last time was not with me.
    Like I said earlier – I cannot get these video plays out of my head. When we have sex – which is only about once a year now I have to mentally block these thoiughts otherwise I cannot get erect….it is just a turn off for me. Cannot say anything though.

    If I had known it had affected me this much I would not have married her and would have waited for a virgin…so much easier to deal with. I guess I felt sorry for her. She was hurt badly when her fiance ditched her and I did not want to add to her pain. I was young and naive about love and sex. He was a loser but I know she still has strong feelings for him She probably hates the guy but I know by some of the music she listens to that her feelings for him are still there even after all these years. Anyway all I did instead was I just added to my pain.

    Trouble is she thinks it is nothing for me to be concerned about. She has no idea of the torment I feel inside and I cannot talk to her or anyone else about it.

    Harmony wrote here yesterday. She has the same issues only the other way around.

    Have been very depressed today. Thought of checking off the planet to end the pain. I can’t stop it. Thanks for your post J it makes me feel not quite so alone.

  272. J says:

    Hey lightpost, Here is something I found. I realized something. I think I was threatened when I heard the news. Threatened I could lose her. I have been researching some things about why we get jealous with our mates and I have learned some interesting things.

    Turns out that jealousy is like an alert siren in our brain that goes off when our territory feels threatened. It is all biological but our conscious doesn’t realize it. We am alerting ourselves to something that is not there. There is no threat of her leaving for this guy in her past and she has never gave a reason to think she was ever unfaithful. So basically our biological brain goes off because it possess a threat but our brains are being mis-triggered in most cases.

  273. Lightpost says:

    Not such an unusual situation J. Searching the web there are all sorts of variations on the theme. Yours is just one of the many. I did once try to see if thinking about her having sex with someone else would turn me on but no way. Just kept thinking of his sperm in her vagina and that just shuts me down every time.
    Sometimes I get the feeling that she has had lovers while we have been married. If I find that she has that will end it for me.

  274. Lightpost says:

    I guess I feel threatened too J. I think that I probably would not find anyone else at my age so I just will tough it out till I die. A sad life really. Would have been so much better if she had waited but she didn’t. She doesn’t care how I feel and it is tearing me apart every day. One thing you realise is that material things don’t matter. I gues you always covert most the things you cannot have. I cannot have her virginity because she gave it away to someone who cheated on her and tricked her into giving it to him. And yet she still has feelings for the useless piece of s–t. I just don’t get it. Maybe the world will be better off without me in it. At least the pain will stop once and for all.

  275. J says:

    Lightpost first of all please don’t even consider ever checking out early that will happen one day rest a sure and you don’t want to rush it.

    Listen I am in the same darn boat as you, I walk around like a zombie most days. Other days Im ok but then it hits me and a sharp feeling comes over me. Our stories are so similar in that I know she still harbors feeling for this guy even though they were only together for one summer. He really must have been a great lover. She told me they used to call him loly pop when he was a kid because he had a big head on a skinny body. Then he grew up to be this model with a perfect 6 pack body and he was packing a long one. My wife told me I was thicker than him too but I think she was just trying to make me feel better.

    Anyway listen to this. So my wife had forgot she told me about the loly pop thing and a few weeks ago she was trying to convince me (lie to me) that nothing really happened by saying she is a great story teller. She is not a great story teller, I have asked to make up sexual stories in the past and she says “you know” a lot and then “ok’ and so we…” things like that were I can tell she is trying really hard to think of fake stuff. but when she was telling me those true stories her words rolled off her tongue effortlessly.

    SO she goes on about how she is trying to say she made up those stories so she tells me about a book she was writing 2 years ago to supposedly show me how good a story telling she can be but it bsckfired. She likes to write but is not good at it at all God Bless her. Anyway like I said she forgot she told me they used to call this guy loly pop. So she begins to tell me about a book she started to write 2 years ago about a woiman and a guy whom everyone used to call loly pop, and this grows up to be really hot and they fall in love.

    That’s right she wrote a friggin book about this guy. I called her out and said you forgot you told me they used to call that guy you dated loly pop. her mouth dropped and she made up some lame remark that she knew a few people called loly pop then goit mad and said “I’m done”. Come on. It blew my mind and just conformed my thoughts further as bad as I wanted to believe her she just could lie good enough. She is not the smartest woman in the world, I love her but truth be told she is not all that bright. So it just confirmed further that she was head over heals in love with guy and she would do anything for him because he made her orgasm like crazy. It sucks so bad buddy to be in this situation but I am glad not to be alone cause it is so lonely not being able to talk to anyone about this.

    I am very happy to have this place to discuss it. I am never going to get over this and I don’t know what to but hearing your story makes me feel a little better cause you stayed with your wife and I want to stay with mine. I’m glad to meet you and to know someone else out there knows how I feel. Like they are second best in the love of their lives eyes.

  276. J says:

    Lightpost listem man, right here is one guy that could use a friend like you even if we are using anonymous names lol. I don’t know if the world would be better off with out you or not but I would not be better off with out you cause I think I could really benefit from talking with one another.

    I too sometimes have this feeling that my has cheated. Another thing that has come into focus. Its weird things I have had to re think since hearing this news, but my brother in law is a well hung guy. I have known him my whole life and he is married to my sister. I sometimes walk in on my wife and she always seems to be looking at my sisters facebook page. She has been doing that the past few years but I never put 2 and 2 together. So after these stories I said to her know I understand why you constantly look at my sisters facebook page. I actually used to think she had a crush on my sister. Now I realize she probably fantasizes how big my brother in law is. I don’t think she ever went with him but it makes me wonder now, it’s a horrible feeling but I swallow my pride because like I said I have a great family and like you I am too old to change partners and if I did leave her the only woman I would find would most likely have had way move lovers than my wife with whom supposedly only had me and one other guy.

  277. J says:

    Lightpost let me ask you a very important question. Does you wife watch love stories a lot like the movie Twilight?

  278. […] Jealousy FAQ: How to Get Over Your Partner’s Past … – Are you having trouble getting over your partner’s past? Then this is the article for you. Jennifer got over her sexual jealousy, and so can you. […]

  279. Harmony says:


    I totally can relate to whatever you have said. 100% . Finally I have someone to talk to about this situation after many long years. Maybe this is a step towards our recovery? I do hope so eventhough I know our issues will remain till we leave this world one day..but please , don’t leave on your own accord as only now I have found you to talk about the biggest problem of our lives. Just like what J mentioned above.

    For a long time, I kept to myself as I do not want my other family/friends to know, I believe, just like you both, Lightpost & J . Friends always think I am the cool, cheery type of person but actually, deep inside, my heart is crying. When I watched my children playing and laughing, sometimes tears will just build up but I will fight as I don’t want my children to know.


    Your story may not be similar but I think the feeling/frustration and sadness is just the same because we are all sad about them being intimate with other partner/s. So I understand as well. Thanks about the biological theory that you’ve found out but for my situation, it is not so much about being insecure but more of not being able to be his first. Knowing everyday that he has done it with another women before and thinking they enjoyed it time and again is killing me :(

  280. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J and Harmony. You have no idea how much that means to me. I have never been able to talk to anyone before about this. It has been bottled up inside from the day she told me. I always thought it would get better and I would forget in time but it only gets worse. Like you Harmony I am a really cheery person on the outside and no-one (and I do mean no-one) knows the churning going on inside me. I get frequent bouts of depression triggered by it. Sorry I burdened you with the current one but I feel really low right now. My wife thinks it is stresses at work but I can handle that. I just cannot handle her past. I do know that this is not jealousy at all.

    I think you summed it up well Harmony. It is not just about knowing that they did it with other people before us it is knowing that they chose to do that and they enjoyed it together. A very very hard pill to swallow. Made so much worse that it is a tabboo discussion. Before this website I could only discuss it with myself. Clearly I am not the only one.

    There is another part of this that affects me alot. I do not know how to put this in words but I will try. I was not brought up to be very religious but my family lived by the principle to do what is the right thing always. Play by the rules, study hard at school, get to University, get a degree, get a good job, don’t go out with girls until you can commit time to a relationship, treat girls with respect, save yourself for the one you love, provide for your wife and family, be a good husband and father, be faithful to your wife. I did all those things. Played by the rules – to the letter. Until the age of 24 I thought that the world operated like that. I was so so Naiive back then.

    I really really believed that at 17 the girl I had fallen in love with would of course be a virgin…nobody had sex at that age and not before they got married. Then the atomic bomb of real life was dropped on me. You can call me stupid…I probably deserve that description…because I was. I remember the conversation to this day. She asked me whether it mattered if a girl was a virgin or not to me. Assuming she was a virgin, and expecting that answer, I said I would be a lucky man if she was. Then she started to cry and she told me that her previous boyfriend had already sex and she was not a virgin. She did cry very much, and being the type of guy I am I felt really bad for her. I was in love with her and thought love would conquer my feelings. I suppose it has since I have been with her for so long but the mental price I have paid has been enourmous. Over the years I have tried to bury my feelings in hard work and building a family with her. Love my kids enourmously, love her too but the elephant is always there sitting in our bedroom ready to crush me. And it does, often. I guess on that day I realised that the rest of the world operated on a different playbook…and mine was a little oudtated. Perhaps I should have played around at college like everyone else did…but that was not me.

    I thought on that day that it was just the onc time they has sex but found out later it was several times a week and she was taking all kinds of precautions not to get pregnant which means he was ejaculating inside her without a condom. Sorry to make this sound so crude guys but it is that thought that shutsdown my sex drive with her almost every time. I just cannot bear the thought of it. There was no sexual experiences left for her to share for the first time with me. She had already done it all at 17 years old. I believe there is much more she has not told me but I just do not go there any more.

    I think looking back I should not have gone any further with the relationship. Had I known then what I know now and the pain this causes me on a daily basis I believe I would have made a different decision. But I was young, naiive and in love and I chose what I think now was the wrong path. I know I did it because I would rather hurt myself than hurt her any more. You know I am the sort of guy that would take a bullet to protect her…it is how I was raised. I knew if I left her it would be devastating for her plus I knew I could give her the good life. I have done that. Working hard has been the only thing that has kept my sanity and stopped me from thinking about things too much.

    Then another part of me says well look what you have. Three great kids and a grandaughter that would not have existed if I had not made the choice to leave her knife stuck in my heart.

    So my heart and my soul have been in a permanent state of turmoil ever since. An awfully high price to pay for being true to the one I love. I admit I have tried to end it a few times. I feel drained, exhausted, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything. Not interested in my hobbies any more. Just feel like a marathon runner, that did everything my coach told me to do to the letter, ran the race and came in second because I can never ever come in first.

    Thanks for taking the time to listen J and Harmony. I do appreciate your words of encouragement. Not sure where I would be now without them.

    Thank you. My real name is Malcolm by the way. I guess alpha males don’t have names like that do they. Take care and thanks

  281. Lightpost says:

    J you asked me a question:

    “Does you wife watch love stories a lot like the movie Twilight?”

    Yes she does. She watches, Twilight, Outlander and all those historical type love stories. She watches them alot. It is an interesting question J…why do you ask?

  282. Lightpost says:

    Harmony, It is a huge relief for me after all these years to be able to talk about it to you and J – to people that know what I am going through. I have not discussed it with anyone before you guys. To family and friends I am the guy that has it all…only I know that I don’t. I know this is going to sound really stupid but sometimes when my male friends tell me about their fisrt experiences with sex I make up the story that my wife and I were virgins when we married…I do not know why I do that. Othersie I am meticulous about telling the truth.

    You posts here mean so much to me. For years I thought I was the only one in the world that felt this way. Thanks for your support. I do feel a bit better just writing it all down…also something I have never done before. There is something thereapeutic in just doing that.

    Thank you. Please feel free to ask me any questions you like. Maybe we can solve this together.

  283. J says:

    Lightpost, I am realizing the more I read your comments just how much we have in common. I will explain my question to you later as it is detailed I have to run to work guys I will talk to you at 5pm east. Not sure where we go from here but I sure am glad I found the two of you to walk with me for while as we try and find a solution. Talk later!

  284. J says:

    Harmony can you tell me if you watch romantic movies a lot like twilight. I ask for a reason. Do you watch them over and over.

    Light post I will be tied up a bit longer but I will get back to you as soon as I can, some time in the next few hours. I just want to explain the question about the movies properly.

  285. Lightpost says:

    No problem J. I feel much better today getting all this off my chest. Over these last few days I realised all this is not just me having this problem. I have gone to many websites now and this is almost an epidemic. The pain that lies beneath the surface of our lives.
    Very interested in why you asked that question…I have my own theories as to why my wife does that…and yes she also watches the same episodes or moves over and over.

  286. j says:


    Ok I hope this does not make you feel worse but I want to tell the truth of why I asked. See my wife had watched these movies over and over for a few years and I never really thought anything of it until one day when I was at work.

    The bosses girl friend came into my office and had to use my computer to book a vacation. My boss is about 75 years old and very rich and dates actually lives with a very attractive woman who is in her early forties.

    I forget how the subject came up but we got to talking because it was taking a while for her to do her thing on the computer. Anyway we got to talking and I mentioned that my wife loves twilight and watches it all the time, she said so did she. I said my wife falls asleep to it also. She chuckled and said so do I.

    Well it wasn’t until after my wife let the cat out of the bag about her “summer of love” way back when that I realized or I should say theorized that all woman whom watch the “love movies” over and over are yearning for something more. I came up with this theory as the though just popped into my head as I started to think about my bosses girlfriend, I was thinking about my bosses girlfriend and was thinking she must be very unhappy to have to sleep with this old dude whom she is with obviously just for the money.

    Then it dawned on me. Wow, my wife must not be all that into me sexually either. That is when I really got down in the dumps and started thinking she was just giving me what I needed and no more and no less, I realized she had no interest in behaving as sexual as she described behaving with that guy so long ago and that she had no interest in going the extra mile in the bedroom like she described doing for that lucky sob.

    I am 150 percent convince she was mad about this guy and that he must have broke her heart. Like I said she told me things that she did and I know she was bearing her soul to me at the time. Even though she has back tracked and is now pretending she made it up, I know with out a doubt she realized she was letting on about how much she liked this guy and decided to back tracking for my sake or for fear of loosing me.

    I am also convinced she will never love me that way like she did with him.

    I do however feel like she loves me very much just not in the way I want her to. I feel like this guy had her in a sexual trance were she did anything he wanted. It just kills me because the first 10 years of our marriage she never did anything except basic sex with me. Then I caught her talking with a guy online. She said they were just talking but found out they were talking dirty to each other. She said it never went further and that the guy really wanted to meet her but that she never acted on it.

    Anyway after reading some of the things they were talking about I was able to get her to do those to me. Nothing crazy just (sorry if this sound crude) but she would never let me put it in her and then in her mouth. But she would let me do that from time to time after I caught her talking like to this guy online. I remember I was floored, I was digging through my garbage at 3 in the morning in sub freezing weather to see if she threw out phone numbers. That was a crazy time but I’ll talk about that another time.

    Until this day I have never done anal with her or deep throat when she does give me oral it is very lack luster and she rushes me to finish. and yet I know I have to live with the knowledge that she openly and loving deep throated him and gave him great pleasure and I also feel certain even though she never admitted it that she did anal with this other guy.

    anyway, as for my question I hope this doesn’t make you think your wife is yearning for more but I had to ask. Unfortunately I did not realize it could cause you more pain but I wanted to be honest with you. I hope it does not hurt you and I hope my theory is wrong.

  287. Lightpost says:

    Harmony, There are some things I have done over the years to try and get over this. They have worked for a little while and offer some relief, but as you say the choice you have is stay with him for the rest of your life or destroy your marriage and damage your kids forever. What a choice that is….all because he could not keep his pecker in his pants.

    Keeping busy with work has been one method that has worked for me. Also I find that the videos play when I am alone with my thoughts so I do try and avoid that situation. I also know the things that do not work for me…most of them are in the “Jealousy” article above. I have tried all of them. I also read books – not love type stories – usually travel and adventure books. That takes my mind into a different place…travelling in my head so to speak and the videos do not play while I am reading. The internet too works for me.

    I know this one will sound really awful but the sure fire trigger for setting this off again for me is having sex with her. So I try not to. We only have sex about once a year – usualy on holiday. It is a trade off between getting a major depression or an afternoon of pleasure. I have thought about going to see a psychiatrist about it and maybe I will but I know that process will involve her and then she will know just how much she has hurt me and I know that will really hurt her. Everything I try is a Catch 22.


  288. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J, I must say I have not found my wife doing that and she is very – how shall I say – straight laced about sex. Will never do anything but regular sex. I know this sounds awfully crude too but she does like me to lick her to orgasm. Not so much now but when we were young I did that alot for her. I cannot do that now…I just get visions of his cum inside her and can’t do it.
    I do not know what she did with the other guy…absolutely will not talk about it. But I am sure that she did many things with him that she will not do with me. I know she did blow jobs for him. She did it for me just once and really knew what she was doing so I know she did not learn that on a piece of plastic.

    You know J I think you are right about this. I caught her on the rebound and I have always felt that she does not love me as much as she did him and what she would dearly like to do is to have married him. I think she took me because I was a bit wet behind the ears. I am absolutely sure about that. She does love me…but not the hot, passionate way she loved him.

    There is another little snippet to my story I want to tell you. When I asked her to marry me (about a year after we met) she did not say yes straight away (she did with the sob – no hesitation). In fact on that night I thought she was going to say no so I said I would not ask her twice and she said yes. But it was not the “I have been waiting for you to ask me” gasp I was expecting. Looking back I think I wished she had said no and that would have ended it for me.

    I think the reason she said yes was that she had much to lose and her Mum and Dad (who I got on with really well – loved them to bits) did not want her to lose me either. Also I think she hesitated because she did not want to be hurt again which tells me she still was not sure about me. Another part of me thinks she hesitated because she really was not in love with me.

    I think she still longs for him by the music she plays, the films she watches and the lyrics of the tunes she picks. That means I really am for her the stupid runner up in her life. I have always felt that. When we used to argue about this she would deny it and say that she loves me…she still does but sometimes it feels hollow.

    Bottom line, I am just her husband, father of our three children, provider of everything and she really wishes deep in her heart that she was still screwing her former lover.

    I think this is what is really breaking my heart.

    Thanks J. for posting. Things are a little clearer now. Malcolm

  289. Lightpost says:

    Hello J and Harmony, Just woke up and the house is quiet. These are the worst times of the day for me. Thought it would help to talk to you guys. As usual the first thoughts in my head this morning when I saw her asleep next to me was her having an orgasm with him. That happens just about every day. Not so much of a problem on workdays as I have too much to do to get myself out the door. I know this will sound completely nuts. As you probably guessed, I am an older guy about retirement age – although I don’t really look it. My wife wants me to retire. She has been retired for years now…never really has had to work unless she wanted to. The trouble is work has been the only thing that has kept me sane over the years. I am scared, and I do mean very frightened, to retire and spend all my time with her because I know these thoughts will be there constantly if I do. Of course I would like to spend my remaining days enjoying life with her – I know that is what she wants but it petrifies me. So I make excuses for carrying on working. I don’t need the money. This is going to sound really stupid and dumb and I hope it comes out the way it should… so here goes. All the years I spent working so hard to conceal my feelings has resulted in me being a very wealthy man. Another Catch 22 isn’t it. I can buy her anything she wants and I do. The rock on her finger is worth a small fortune. I have all the material things..Jag, Maserati…lovely house…but you know none of it means anything to me. I would give it away in a second just to be able to wind the clock back to have met her before he did.To have the opportunity to both make love to each other as virgins on our wedding night. These are the things that really matter in a relationship and I really hope there are younger men women reading who will be able to understand that losing their virginity IS a big deal. Save it for your wedding night. You will avoid the lifetime of heartache and pain that I have endured.

    The material things just make it hurt so much more…..doesn’t THAT sound bizarre. God I am sounding like a lunatic but I am hoping that you understand me.
    As I said in an earlier post before…on the face of my life it looks like I am the guy that has everything but the truth is that the heart and soul of my life is an empty shell of torment and torture. I cannot escape the prison.

    I have realised, writing this all down for the first time that this has affected my entire life since the age of 24 and is even now affecting my plans to retire. I don’t really want or need to keep working but I am so scared of not having work to take my mind off things…at least for a few hours a day that I dare not do it.

    I am going to have to one day I but I will dread it. Not quite what I had in mind at my age but there it is.

    J. It is quite a coincidence that you found your wifes previous exploits to be somthing of a turn on for you. For a short time when I was about 30 the same thing happened to me. Jennifer said in her article about using your wifes sexual experience to improve your lovemaking. I did try exactly that. I thought since I cannot change the past maybe I can use her past to advantage. It doesn’t work. It did for a little while and we had some great sex back then but you realise that all you are doing is making her re-live her past and it just hurts you both. Now the thought of it just revolts me.

    I find my wife too secretly longs for something I cannot give her. In her world I think what she really wanted was to have married her fiance and had her kids with him. Instead he threw her away like some used dishrag and I happened to be there to catch her. The reason she watches all this love material on TV is to take her mind off you and back to him.I think that is exactly what is going on in her mind.

    I have been tempted to ask her that but I know she will just clam up and deny it because she will not even admit the truth even to herself.

    Harmony…from a woman’s perspective what do you do to take your mind off things?

  290. J says:

    Malcolm, you don’t sound dumb buddy, hey having great wealth is a wonderful thing. Great wealth is something that has always eluded me but I was always happy because I loved this woman so much.

    I do get turned on by hearing her exploits but when I heard she did those extra special things to this other guy and not me it made me realize she may have very well loved him on a whole different level than she loves me. That is what has crushed me and has me walking around in a daze. My work has suffered, my health seems off a bit, but thank God I am good at what I do and am very needed at my job.

    I think there is something very wonderful about our situations. I can’t remember who said it but it was a great philosopher who said, “If I have to choose between grief and nothing I choose grief.” I heard that phrase in a movie called Breathless. It always stuck in my mind. I think or what I like to think it means is, pain is an emotion and there is a very fine line between pain and pleasure. I think what the guy who said that meant was even pain especially from the heart and Im not talking about physical pain but emotional pain is almost beautiful in way. Because you feel it so strongly. I don’t know maybe I am just kidding myself or maybe I am just a hopeless romantic. In either case I have this feeling of invincibility. Almost like I don’t worry about little things anymore. I used to worry about everything. Those days are done, I don’t try to impress anyone anymore like I used to. I just feel like I have had to rethink the last 20 something years.

    I don’t think I could ever bring myself to give up on this woman. I just have built my whole life around her and I would be lost with out her. So second best it is for me, it sucks but I am trying to make the best of it. I have also had performance issues at times since hearing her news but it is getting better as time goes on.

    I’m glad to know what I know. I am glad I am not walking around in the dark anymore. I realize there is not anything I can do to change the past so I am going to try as hard as I can to enjoy my life. i was getting kind of complacent and passive and now I want to try everything. I am 46 and have lived a rather sheltered and naive life. But my eyes are open now and life seems very different to me which in a way is a good thing.

  291. Harmony says:


    Yes,..”Had I known about the pain it is causing me on a daily basis, I would have made a different decision..” I had this thought many many times too but there’s no point now, isn’t it? My husband is good to me and our children so I always remind myself this to keep me there on track. You were asking me, how do I keep my mind off the negatives. Normally, if my children are at home, I will go to them and talk about anything. Then, I will forget as our conversation gets drifted away. Like you’ve said, when we get busy if other stuffs, it helps.

    J & Malcolm,

    Frankly, I do not like watching romantic movies/series as everytime when I saw any bed scenes or the female actress being seductress, I will get panic attacks and/or will just froze there for a while. It gives me immediate images and videos of them together. Terrible mental torture. So, I avoid any stories/movies like that at all cost. I go for humour/comedy to keep myself sane & happy.

  292. Harmony says:

    After reading all your posts, I can see how we are all struggling in our own ways… Eventhough, our problem could not be solved, I still feel glad and thankful that I have found this site where I can write and get responses from people who can relate. Thank-you Malcolm & J

    Can I ask one question for the guys? I read a lot of times that men can have sex with any women they want without the need to have attraction or love for the women. Is it true? Can a man have sexual flings/relationship without any feelings for the women? Please give me your opinion and elaborate as to why. Thanks much guys!

  293. J says:


    First, I too was getting panic attacks when I first heard the news about 6 months ago from my wife. I never before in my life felt anything like that. I never had a panic attach until about a week after hearing the news and I can tell you it scared the crap out of me. I was nodding off on the couch when I awoke abruptly with the most horrible feeling like I was dyeing. I couldn’t breath and I remember screaming help, help. It was awful. I then started having them about once a day for about a week and researched a bit how to stay calm and just breath with my stomach and they kind of stopped after about 3 weeks, thank God.

    Ok Harmony, next question, the answer to your question about can guys have sex with a woman without attraction or love? I would say absolutely a guy could have sex with a woman with out being in love with her. That I say with 100 percent certainty. guys do it all the time, we are all about sex. We think with our little head not our big head. Now as far as having sex with out being attracted, I think that is a different ballgame at least for me it is but not all guys. I have to be at least attracted to a woman a little bit to have sex with her unless I am drunk then all bets are off. I think there is a large percentage of men who would have no problem having sex with a woman even if he was not attracted to her but for me, from my point of view I at least need to have some type of attraction to go all the way. Hope that helps.

  294. Lightpost says:

    Thanks for your post J. I look forward to reading them. Keeps me going. I don’t think I could give up on my wife either J. Although I have thought about it many times over the years. I did almost walk out on her several times but there is always something drags me back in like a gravitational pull.

    Money is not so wonderful J…..not at all what it is cracked up to be. Happiness and contentment are the things that really matter. I think you are in a better place than I am though. At least you had your wife first and no-one can take that experience away from you. her other lover did not get it did he? You did. You’ll have to tell me what that is like one day J…I will never get to experience a womans virginity..

    Money has not made and does not make me happy J. It never did. I know this sounds odd but I did not set out to make a fortune. I just worked so hard at everything to keep my mind away from her sexual past that it just happened. Looking back I think part of the driver was to show I could give her anything she wanted…trying to out do her previous lover I suppose. Trouble is all I know how to do is work 80 hours a week. Sure I enjoy the stuff but I am being very sincere when I say that I would give it all away tomorrow for the chance to meet my wife before she lost her virginity. It is a sorry state of affairs isn’t it J.

    You are in a different place to me J but we have so much in common. I too was very naive and lived a very sheltered life at home – two brothers, my Dad and no girls – except Mom of course. I did not even know that women had periods until I was 23. My wife is in fact the only girl I have ever kissed. It was like I lived in a Monastery for 24 years of my life. When I look back on it all I was really a greenhorn where anything to do with women was concerned. Almost scared of them (boy does that ever sound stupid). I went to an all boys school. Was discouraged from dating in case it interfered with my studies. My wife was the only girl I ever dated and I think I still carry this huge insecurity around with me that if I left I would not find anyone else.
    On the exterior I am this happy go lucky guy that has everything. But inside I am just a hollowed out emotional shipwreck. It is like I am two different people. Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

    I remember when I was 23, I used to teach maths and physics to high school kids before I met my wife. You know to help them along a bit after school. A tutor so to speak. Two of my students were drop dead gorgous girls….both very very pretty. One was 17 the other 18. On one occasion when teaching the 17 year old her parents left for a dinner date and I was alone in the house with her. I was showing her some algebra (funny how I remember that) and she leaned over me and pushed her breasts right into my face. I did not take her up on the obvious offer. Her school shirt was unbuttoned and her bra was clearly visible and her kilt was very very short so I could see her underwear. It was pink lace…I remember that pretty good too. I recall getting a big erection but the need to preserve my own virginity stopped me from doing anything. What an idiot I was. She was so beautiful (and smart too). Maybe I would have been married to her now.

    Two weeks later a similar thing happened with the 18 year old. On that occasion she took the pen out of my hand, put it on the table laid back in the chair and then she took my hand and put it on her thigh…high up almost between her legs. I always remember the warmth and feel of her leg and the sight of the top of her stockings.

    So having such an upbringing banged into my head I kept my virginity in the face of some quite wonderful opportunities. I don’t know whether that was good or bad. But it kept me a virgin for the virgin bride I thought I would have.

    All this is just part of my boring history. I have had some very good times with my wife. We have travelled all over the world and shared some great times together and, like you, my life is built around this woman. Leaving now would be hard to do.

    I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Trapped in a prison I built for myself.

    I do know she will never love me like her first, and I will always be second best in her life when it comes to sex and love. Perhaps it is the way it was meant to cross to bear so to speak. Nevertheless – a very hard pill to swallow – and I think I am choking to death on it.

    Thanks for sharing with me J. It is really nice to know you are out there. I hope you find your peace. Mine seems very elusive.
    All the best.

  295. J says:

    Keep in mind I am married and haven’t had sex with anyone but my wife for the last 20 some odd years.

  296. Lightpost says:

    Harmony & J, You are most welcome to anything I can share with you. This site and you two in particular are the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so grateful to you both for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. It is not easy to write about but somehow I feel so much better for having shared it – in all its gory details – with you.

    We have much in common Harmony and J. I too cannot bear to watch lovemaking scenes on TV with my wife or even on my own. When I have not avoided them (a trailer comes on) I freeze up, any conversation stops and then I must leave the room. I have to go and do something else. Nothing is said but I know she knows why I leave. As a result the only movies I will go and see are Disney cartoons and comedies. You are so right Harmony…this is pure mental torture for me as well. Even the ads for Virgin Airlines, Virgin Mobile and Virgin Radio. Song lyrics do too. I have to switch off Madonna music – especially the “touched for the very first time” piece. It sets me off and I start the videos of them making love in my head. If only Richard Branson knew the torture that his Company name brings me every day. I cannot ever fly with that airline because of it. This will sound totally stupid but I have had to disable the radio in my car because my wife and my daughter listen to Virgin Radio and the title of the station comes up on the TV screen in the car – staring me in the face as I drive. I pulled the radio fuse out so it does not work. They keep telling me to take it in and get it fixed. Not going to do that but cannot say why.

    I use my kids to take my mind off things too Harmony. I have two boys aged 33 and 31 and a daughter aged 28. One is married and lives in his own place. I go over there on Tuesdays. My daughter is also married and lives with us with her husband. My oldest also lives with us with his girlfriend. The house is very busy with all their comings and goings so when I am not working I talk to them to take my mind to a different place. It is when the house is quiet when all the memories come flooding back in. Those are my bad times. My wife too is not an awful person. I love her very much but I always get this vibe from her that she wants to be somewhere else….and not with me. I think she has been faithful to me but I am not 100% sure. Rather than talk about things she just plays video games on her ipad all night. Lucky if I get more than 100 words a day. I think something has to give sooner or later.

    To answer your question whether a man can have sex with a woman without there being any love or relationship involved. I think the majority of men can do that…it is built into us I think as our job is to procreate the species and there is only one way that is done. I think most men are hardwired for it. But when I say the majority, I don’t include me in that. I am not being conceited or taking the high ground but I had a very female less upbringing and it was hammered into my head to always respect women and I do. It is just a part of who I am. Chivalrous I suppose you would call it. You know the type that opens the car door for women…I still do that….always have. I do get some funny looks these days though but that is OK.

    So it would be very much against the grain for me to just go and have sex with a woman without having some feelings for her and certainly would want to make her emotionally comfortable with me at the very least. I don’t think it would be that enjoyable for either if that was not the case. I do not understand how some men can go and pay for a prostitute, have sex and then leave with no emotional attachment. I can’t do that. But having said that I think I am not immune and given the right circumstances I would not rule out the possibility…especially as I have little or no sex with my wife these days. So yes I think it is entirely possible – even for me. But I also think that men remeber these things more than they will admit to so we do have emotional strings attached. For our first there are most definitely emotional ties. Men, just like women never ever forget their first sexual experience – even if it is not with another virgin.

    Well thank you so much again the both of you. I have never been so open about my life with anyone and writing all this down is helping me to understand myself and my feelings towards all of this so much better. You are shedding some rays of much needed light into a very dark place in my mind and I appreciate your help so very much.

    Take care and write soon.


  297. J says:


    The fact that you don’t like those “romantic type” movies almost confirms it for me since you are very much in love with your husband and I believe girls that watch that over an over are not. Well let say it like this they may love their husbands but maybe are not “head over heals” in love with them like you seem to be. I think I may be onto something with my “twilight theory” after all. Thanks for sharing.

    Malcolm, I’m sorry buddy but I had to chuckle when you mentioned the Virgin Airlines, Virgin Mobile and Virgin Radio saga, but I get it, I really do. Funny story, the night my wife told me she deep throated this guy (sorry Harmony for the crudeness) the next day I was at work listing to Pandora (which is a internet radio station if you are not familiar) and guess what song came on. Yep, “Keep it coming love” by KC and the sunshine band. It was the theme song they used for DEEP THROAT. Yep so there was a big old picture of the new movie deep throat with lips while the song was playing. I kid you not. So I get it. It was weird like it was mocking me, I couldn’t believe my eyes as they almost popped out of my head, lol.

    I think another thing we have in common is our respect for woman. I too was taught that or should I say it was hammered into my head to treat all woman like ladies. I was raised by all woman, my dad died when I was 6 and my aunts and my Mom raised me to really put woman up on a pedestal. That’s why it hurt so much when she told me what this guy did to her. He had here up against a wall doing it and she said he was kind of aggressive the way she was explaining things. And she liked it along with the deep throat and stuff, I also think she did anal and might have even had a threesome with him and another girl. She mentioned it a few times through out the years but always said it jokingly. I didn’t believe her until now. I have always been very gentle with her, I actually tried getting a little more aggressive with her after she came clean and she shut me down real quick, lol. But that hurt a lot.

    My wife is probably what most would call a bitch. In fact most of my family and friends and her family and friends (she don’t really have any friends now that I think of it, lol) kind of feel that way but won’t come out and say it to me. I think sometimes when you are too nice or easy going and open you leave room for slimy people to enter your life. I sometimes think maybe I made the wrong choice when I chose my wife but I was so in love with her. I still remember when we were dating and it was the first month we were together. I walked her home cause she lived down the street from me and as I stood in her fathers driveway I kissed her. Now I had heard of this happening and had seen it on tv but I could not believe it as when I kissed her I actually saw fire works go off. I am not kidding, they were vivid and bursting it was awesome, I couldn’t believe it I kid you not. I was crazy about her and I know she was very into me also.

    Like I said earlier it was my little head that got me into trouble and I cheated on her. Now I was like you I was not experienced at all and not very good in bed. But what did she know at the time. I didn’t give her an orgasm until about a three months into having sex. She told me I was her first but lately I have been wondering if it was true. But then she met this other guy whom I now have come to learn was the friggin wonderboy of banging and he had a longer you know what. Just great!

    It all took place in the summer of 92. I cheated in early June of 92′. Two weeks later by chance she hooked up this guy who was at one of her family’s barbeques a friend of her cousins. Then I heard about it and wanted her back. I begged her all summer to take me back. Every weekend she would drive up north about an hour to spend the week end with him doing God knows what. probably banging all week end. this lasted until late August and then she started seeing me again. I remember thinking I was the luckiest guy in the world when I finally got to make love to her again. I remember how good she felt and how happy I was like if the world ended right then and there while I was with her Id be ok with it.

    Anyway sorry I kind of went off on a tangent there. To answer your question of how it feels to be with a virgin. Malcolm it really wasn’t anything earth shattering, I mean it felt like regular sex. I was not in love with her at the time we did it. In fact my sisters boyfriend at the time who was older than me was the one that talked me into going for it. I took her to a wedding our first night together and we caught a ride with my sister and her boyfriend. On the way home we stopped at 7-11 and my sisters boyfriend and I went in to get a few things. When we where inside he said are you going to go for it and he gave me a rubber cause I didn’t have any lying around. I was not planning to do it but trying to be cool I said yea. So when I got home I went for it. I still credit him for my wife’s and mine’s relationship cause I was not going to make a move on her that night had he not did that and who knows were it could have not lead. it is funny how little things like chart a course and can change a whole life time. Obviously I fell madly in love her soon after. But seriously man, having a virgin does not feel magically better. It is the same as anything you have felt while having sex.

    Malcolm, you sound like a great guy and I feel so bad for you that you don’t have the desire to have sex that often, but I know what you are talking about. I am always and have always been the initiator when it comes to sex and lately I have really backed off. It has been a while now since the wife and I did it and I am in no rush but kind of worrying about it now.

    Anyway it’s late so I talk to you tomorrow hopefully. Have a nice night!

  298. J says:

    Harmony, I have a question for you. I would like to know from a woman’s point of view. If a woman does things sexually for man that she says she DOSEN’T love that she just won’t do for another man that she says she DOES love is that possible in your eyes or is that a ridicules notion?

    I would love to hear your take on what you feel that translates into so Malcolm and I can better assess our situations. I love having you two in my corner. I am very thankful to know you both.

  299. Lightpost says:

    Hello, I found much comfort in your words here J. Thank you. I do have a great desire for sex – the physical part of me works really well when the psychological part of me does not get in the way. I am 65 now but compared to most guys my equipment has hardly been used – almost brand new. :). My wife finds all kinds of reasons to avoid it. She will not have sex with anyone in the house…which is just about never because there are always people in the house. It is a really good reason – a water tight argument 99% of the time. Last night I asked her if she was in the mood. She said she was but we could not because of the kids in the house. So I suggested we went to a hotel for the night…then it was “it’s getting late” followed by “by the time we get there it will be dark” followed by “it will cost too much”. I could buy the whole hotel J but we can’t afford a room. Ha Ha….I know when I am getting the brush off. I should add that my daughter and her husband have the bedroom next to ours and they do it every other night. I said that to her and she just shrugged it off and said they were young.

    I don’t know J…sometimes I think she is getting it somewhere else. She sure does not want it from me. She never ever initiates sex with me. Almost never has. Interesting you say that. Looking back over my life with her it has ALWAYS been me that initiates sex. That has got to tell me something right there.

    I am sorry I asked about your wife’s virginity. I should not have done that but thanks for sharing with me. Harmony please skip this bit as I do not want to upset you at all but if you want to read it I apologise for the graphic details. But if you want to comment I would like to know what it was like from the perspective of a woman losing her virginity. I just have this curiosity about it……comes from wanting something I can never have I guess. All I know is what the guys tell me and maybe they embellish things. Some have said that their firsts were very tight and they came right away. Some said they had difficulty breaking the hymen. Some have said they did not like all the blood. Some say their first did not bleed at all. I know that my wife did bleed alot….when she was trying to push me away from her she told me some of the details. At the time of course I did not know anything about this (no internet in those days). I did not know women bled. Did not even know what the hymen was. I do remember her getting very angry at me when I asked her how it was her first time…she really snapped back at me and said …”don’t you know that a woman bleeds when she has sex for the first time”. After that she has told me little or nothing about her first time with him.

    Any way talk more tonight. Thanks for posting. It is good to talk about this.


  300. J says:

    Yea Malcolm,

    Funny but I have heard all those same exact excuses too. Let’s see. There is not while there is anyone in the house (I have three kids although 2 are at college now and the last one is on his way next year) I think she is starting to sweat a little about that. Then there is the period. That is her favorite, I swear sometimes I think she makes it up that she has her period, it feels like she gets it 3 times a month and it lasts forever, lol.

    Sad to say but for a long while I was paying her to have sex with me, yes, just like a prostitute. I mean I offered it in cute way like I thought it was cute and honestly I was happy to give her money for the pleasure she was giving me back, boy do I feel stupid now looking back on it, I guess it wasn’t like a prostitute but…..Now ever since hearing about her sexual adventures and willingness to over pleasure this other guy and for free as if she were in a sexual haze and would do anything he asked I decided I would never again pay for it, beg for it, or please for it. Maybe that will change if I get desparate enough but for now I am holding strong.

    I don’t know maybe it is that both our woman are just really good girls whom happened to get carried away for a brief period of time with other guys, maybe they got treated like whores from their past guy and didn’t like the way it felt. but then again maybe we have manipulative woman who have made fools of us. I too have always wondered if she was getting it from somewhere else so maybe we are both right about our suspicion’s and they were just using us as emotional rocks.

    I guess I should be happy I got her as I always felt she was too good for me anyway and that I was not good enough for her. Then again maybe we just spoiled the shit out of them so much that now they lost repect for us and just take us so for granted like we are dumb dancing bears that will do what ever they say whenever they want and give them anything they ask for, lol.

    As far as the virgin stuff goes no problem I am happy to tell you if it helps you. I do remember there was blood, I had some on these cool shorts I had cause when we made love the first time I was wearing these yellow Everlast shorts and I only pulled them down a bit to do my business and when I was finished I guess some blood got on them.

    I will tell you this about it, after I fell in love with her and it was very shortly after that night, I cherished those shorts, lol. Even have them today 20 some odd years later. But it’s not cause that night was a night of earth shattering sex, it only lasted probably 3 to 5 minutes but because I realized shortly after that night that I loved her so much and I wanted to keep them for ever.

    I was only hanging out with her for about a month before we did it and even though I was very attracted to her I was not sure of anything mostly because I was so immature and naïve about woman. I mean I had Star Wars sheets on my bed when I met her. She never let’s me live that one down.

    But I didn’t know they bleed either and I still kind of don’t know what the hyman is exactly all though I get the idea, lol.

    Anyway, try and enjoy your day, it feels good to finally get all this off my chest. I have been carrying this around like a weight on my shoulder cause I would never dare talk to anyone I know about this. I am very grateful to have found a person to talk about it with who is going through the same or very similar situation because it is a comforting feeling knowing you are out there. I also feel like the man upstairs is talking to me through you.



  301. J says:


    Today was a bit of a bummer. I was down all day. I totally realize I am second best now and the sad thing is I am ok with it. I must have a low self esteem or something hope all is well

  302. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J. Very much appreciate your posts here. I too feel like a weight is being lifted off me. I have kept all these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside me for so long it feels good just to talk to someone else about it.

    I had no-one to talk to about what I feel. I have tried talking to my wife about it but it is very hard to find a “lead in” for discussion. Every time I get near to the subject she either clams up or says something like “why are you bringing that up after all this time”. The trouble is I hurt just as much now as I did the day she told me.

    I know the Virgin Airlines/Radio/Mobile thing really is dumb when I think about it…but I do just about anything to avoid triggering those thoughts and feelings. I can guarantee that as soon as I see one of their ads the thoughts come rushing in and the videos start to play in my mind. I am certain that I am damaged psychologically by it. It is the same as what Harmony said and it was just incredible to hear her say that she only watches comedies mostly and avoids the lovemaking scenes. I am exactly the same as that. I avoided going into the living room yesterday as “The 40 year old virgin” was playing. Cannot even watch a comedy with that title. What a wreck I am.

    Glad I made you laugh about it though….it sure is funny when you think about it in a rational way….but not so much for me. Very painful to keep being reminded of it.

    Thanks for the description…it really did help alot. That is really what I want to hear from her. I know it will upset me alot but I really do want her to describe it to me. Does that sound crazy or what!. Maybe I am a masochist but I feel that not knowing is worse than knowing. Do you think that is wrong?

    I did read something on another site about people who have been dumped after they have had sex in a serious relationship. In my wifes case she was due to be married to this guy and he dumped her literally 2 weeks before the wedding. She had her wedding dress and everything ready to go and he tossed her out like an old dishrag. I really felt so bad for her and part of me does not want to bring all her bad memories flooding back either. She will not talk about any of the reasons for him dumping her…..and of course my mind goes racing into overdrive. After we had gone out for a bit she went on holiday to Spain with her Mum (not her dad aswell). She would not let me come and I stayed back in the UK with her Dad….ostensibly so she could get over it. I have had these thoughts for a long long time that she was in fact pregnant with his child and THAT is why he did not want to marry her. She went to Majorca which is where they had one of the few European abortion clinics in those days. I don’t know whether I am right or whether I am just trying to justify whjat went on but in the absence of any information your head runs wild. As I said earlier I know she was letting him have sex with her without a condom as she was fitted with a ring over the entrance to her uterus to stop the sperm fertilizing her eggs. She told me that it used to slip out of place and she went on the pill. Maybe it slipped off and she got pregnant. She was taking the pill when I met her….should have put two and two together then. Bottom line is that I know there is much more to this than she is telling me and the reason she avoids any discussion of it is so as not to let the truth out. I would dearly like to ask her Mum but she passed away so the only person that knows is her. Another reason why I think this is true is that she is very pro abortion and I think this is the reaon why. After we were married and we were trying for children she got endometriosis and we could not have any for six years. That problem got fixed but I have been told that having an abortion sometimes brings this on. Again no-one to talk to.

    I know she enjoyed sex with this a—hole because I have never heard her once say that she wishes it had been me that took her virginity. She liked it, enjoyed it and is quite happy with her memories of him screwing her. Just having her say just once in 40 years that she wishes it had been me would go a long way to repairing the hurt I feel. The very fact she has not tells me everything. As I said earlier – and as you have found with your wife…the fact is they really enjoyed it and she does not feel at all remorseful or that she has anything to apologise for. THAT makes it hurt all the more. Fact is that just like my wife yours enjoyed her sex with the other guy and does not care whether you have a hang up with it or not.

    I have given her everything I have J and sometimes I really feel like I am being used just like you do. I have those very same feelings.

    Still you and me are in the same boat. We either live with it or we move on. There is no middle ground.

    If I find out she has been cheating on me – I will move on. That will be the last straw that broke this old camel’s back.

    Talk soon buddy. Thanks for everything.


  303. J says:


    I know exactly what you mean about trying to talk to her. My wife won’t talk about it anymore. So to me that is a clear indication that they are in cover up mode. Like you said when you don’t know the truth your mind will fill in the gaps and usually will do it it with the worse case scenario. I wish my wife would just be honest with me and to answer your question about if it is wrong to want to hear a description about how she lost her virginity I would say it is not wrong to want to know. I know I feel like crap now that I know what really happened but I still am very happy that I do know. I hate thinking that I may not have learned this and just lived the rest of my life and died with out ever knowing. Your wife seems just like mine as far as not wanting to say anything further that might give away her true feelings.

    I believe you are correct as I have suspected as well that we are the second choice or their rocks. It sucks to feel this way, fortunately for me I only just started feeling this way about 6 months now. It is crazy I think about it almost constantly. Everyday is an understatement probably I think about it ever second of every minute of every hour of every day.

    When you say you have been feeling this way for 40 years now it knid of amazes me to think you still feel as bad as you did this first day you found out, but I believe it cause here it is 6 months later since I heard the news and it hurts just as much and probably even more.

    I wonder if this will still hurt like it does now in 20 or 30 years like it does for you. maybe I should call in quits. I am so unsure what to do. I know I can’t stand the though of being away from her but I want her to be happy and I want to be happy as well.

    I also know you are right that they enjoyed sex much more with those guys than they did with us.

    In my case here I was thinking I was “the man for the last 20 something years and now it’s like I got hit in the side of the head with a large mouth bass. I find myself rethinking every thought about her that I had over the years. When I see a movie that reminds me of her and I I now rethink it. It seems like a tough road ahead. I wonder your thoughts on it.

  304. Lightpost says:

    I wish I could say it gets easier J – but the truth is it does not. I cannot sugar coat it but also qualify that by saying it has not changed for me and it may be different for you. The reason I started writing here is because I thought I might find some solutions….it is the reason I went to Jennifers article here. I think she must have left the building though.

    Regards rethinking every thought – well me too buddy. I find myself checking everything she ever said to me. I would really like to think she has been telling me the truth all these years but I have my doubts. You said earlier that these girls are very manipulative and I often get the feeling that I am being played for a sucker.

    J – this is a really tough road man. It has been 40 years and counting and I can’t say it is getting any easier – at least for me. But I have so much emotional investment in the woman that leaving her now would likely be worse than living with her for the rest of my life.

    Thanks for listening. By the way the hymen is a thin membrane the covers the opening to the vagina in virgins. It has an opening in it to allow menstrual fluids out. The size of the opening varies and is not the same for all women. Some women break it by doing things like horseriding and athletics or by masturbating with dildo’s etc. If a woman is a virgin during first sexual intercourse the hymen is broken by insertion of the penis. It is this rupture that gives rise to a little bleeding…more in some women than others. Usually when the penis is inserted for the first time the woman will feel some pain and will usually yelp as it is inserted and the hymen is broken.
    That is what I learned from the internet and books but of course as you know I have no direct experience of it.

    Anyway, that is what the hymen is.

    Thanks again for listening to me J. Really don’t know where I would be without sharing all this with you guys.

    Went to dinner with her tonight….tried to start a conversation about it…got nowhere.

    Take care of yourself.


  305. Harmony says:

    Thankyou J & Malcolm for replying my question. I asked because I have always wondered about it. My husband said that when he first saw me 27 years ago, it was ‘love at first sight’ . Few years later, he went to have sexual relation with other women, giving her his virginity. He said, there was no love involved but why he did that? When I asked him, he said, he can’t explain. Why is that so? If he really loved me, why do that? Do you guys have any possible explanation to this? It hurts really bad as this was not before he knew me. It was after. I never get over it.

    J, to your question about a women who do things to men she don’t love but not to a man she love is totally Possible! Let me give you an example, when I was with my other boyfriend (I didn’t love but just keep the friendship) before my husband, he asked my to follow him to places that I didn’t like but I still went reluctantly. This is done so as NOT to hurt his feelings. Like just being accommodating. You know what I mean. However, when I am with my husband, I would just tell him that I don’t want to go to certain places that I don’t like, if he asked me to. This time, I am not accommodating not because I don’t love him but because I just don’t feel like it and I am looking at some understanding here since we both do really love each other, have been together for a long time and therefore know each other really well.

    By the way, Malcolm & J, both of you must know something. For a women to get into the ‘act’, she must always feel safe, secure & at a peaceful environment. I am saying this because I noticed that both of you suspect that your wife may not like to do ‘it’..thinking abt other guy…etc.etc. but the truth is, for us, we must always feel that the house, family, chores are all in order. Otherwise, we can’t focus on doing it. I also have the same thoughts like your wife, I can’t do it if there are people in the house unless I know there are all asleep. It is not excuses but more of how we, as women think.

    Malcolm, different women’s 1st experience differs. For me there was no blood. I don’t know why, frankly.

    You were saying all about the triggers too, yeah, really so many triggers in my life these many years and there’s nothing I can do to avoid since words, names, pictures or anything can just trigger the thoughts. It is tough and that is why I have been searching online to find whatever help/remedy that I could as I also can’t speak directly face to face with people since this is so private. Anyway, congrats Malcolm for having 3 grownup children and a grandchild, happy family & successful career.

    To J, congrats for at least getting the experience of a virgin. At least you know, you are her First! No one can take that.

    ***Hoping for a better day tomorrow***

  306. Lightpost says:

    Wow,,,,thank you so much Harmony. Nobody has ever explained things to me from a womans perspective before. It sure sounds like excuses when she says it but maybe I can view things diffrently armed with that information. I just had never looked at it from that perspective before. I cannot say thank you enough for helping me out with that. I thought it was that she did not want me….men always think the worst.

    Just as my wife knows all the reasons why she did it your husband also knows why he did it – but these matters are extremely difficult to explain – especially to someone you care for. I think he may not want to hurt you by giving you the real reasons. I know it does hurt my wife to talk about her past and I think that is why she just will not talk to me about it. I think part of it is she does not want to hurt me. Although I don’t think I could be hurt any more than I am already she may not understand that emotionally I am already at rock bottom. But the other part of it is they do not want to hurt themselves either. I am sure that talking about this also brings back memories he/she would rather forget. It is one of the major reasons I decided to emigrate to Canada from the UK. Part of it was self interest..I did not want to be around those places or those people in her past…but I also thought that it would help her in the same way too. I think that has worked well for both of us but by the same token the subject never comes up like it did back there.

    On the other hand I just could not do what your husband did. For me it was truly love at first sight and I have not been unfaithfull to her since the day we met…and while I am in agony every day…I really do not think I have it in me to cheat on her. That is not to say that on my really bad days I have not thought about it….I would be lying if I said I had not. I think that is what makes this all so agonising.

    From a man’s perspective I can think of a few reasons why your guy did that. Here are a few.

    1. He felt sexually inexperienced and did not want to let you down sexually. Men are taught from birth to be the the ones who are supposed to know what they are doing and sexual inadequacy is a very big thing for us. I must admit that I really do not like it that my wife has more sexual experience than me and that does give me feelings of inadequacy. I think J feels that too.

    2. He needed to “sow the wild oats” before he committed to you.This is what you hear in men’s locker rooms…all the crap about their various conquests with women. It actually makes me quite sick and I think most women would abhor the things that are said about them by men when they get together to compare notes. Whether the events are real or just bravado – who knows but the way it is talked about is that this is expected of men. This society is completely messed up. While men want their girls to be virgins – collectively they ensure that the numbers are few. There are about 50% men abd 50% women which means if men are sowing their wild oats it dimnishes the probability that there will be aany virgins left. It’s just arithmetic.

    3. He was not 100% sure that you were the one for him….no-one to compare to. Not sure if that one really holds water but it is a possibility.

    Just like you I find the triggers are everywhere in the media. It is to the point now when I do not watch TV or listen to the radio…I just cannot. I am highly selective in the movies I watch. Most of the time I am on the computer here where I can control my environment when it comes to that type of information.

    This site has been a Godsend for me Harmony….I am not sure where I would be without you and J to talk to. These private things are so incredibly hard to talk to anyone about…even the person you share everything in the world with. In fact I think that is what does make it so hard. It is the one thing your partner will not talk about with you.

    I am thinking that we may be able to develop some methods of trying to get our other halves to talk about it. They need to feel comfortable and not threatened. But the only way to get this out of our system is to talk to them and tell them how we feel. But it is such a difficult subject to bring up.

    Trying that approach right now, skirting round the real questions I need to ask and talking about old times. I nearly got there yesterday at dinner. I will givce it some more time and try again.

    I do thank you so very much for sharing these personal things with me. I have never ever spoken to a woman before about losing virginity, not even my wife. All I ever hear is the locker room type bragging that men are prone to do. So having it described from a womans perspective really helped me a lot.

    For me, as you know I lost my virginity with my wife before our wedding night. I hugely regret doing that but my memory of it lives forever. It is such an emotional experience that it is impossible to forget it. About 6 months after we met she asked me if I wanted a bath together. Her Mum and Dad had gone to visit relations in Leicester in England so we knew they would not be back. That is the security thing you talked about earlier…very interesting to understand that. We had their apartment to ourselves. I had never seen a woman naked before. We had our bath. I washed her and she washed me. Needless to say I got very excited down there…especially when she washed it for me. No body had ever done that for me before. As we were drying off she asked me if I wanted to feel what it was like inside her. So I sat on the edge of the bath as she went down on me. She was so warm and wet. It felt like heaven to me. I remember it throbbing so hard. We sat there for about 10 minutes and then I took it out. That was it. I did not ejaculate. For me at that time it was an incredible experience. But not at all the experience that I REALLY wanted with her. That I can never have.

    Any way Harmony…you have really helped me alot. These personal things are so hard to talk to people about and I too could never bring myself to talk about it face to face with anyone…at least not yet. Talking about it online has made things much easier for me. I am just so very grateful you and J are out there.

    I have to go off to work now. I am so lucky I have my kids and my granddaughter. They are my rocks. I love my wife but I guess I am trying to turn back the clocks or at least try and understand why things happened the way they did.

    Take care Harmony and thank you again. It means alot to me that you take time to write here. A ray of light in an otherwise very dark place,

  307. J says:


    I too would like to thank you for answering my question about a women who would do things to man she claims not to love but not to a man she claims to love. Your theory holds water and makes some sense. It is one of the possibilities I came up with when I was trying to determine all of the possibilities of why she wouldn’t do it for me. Thank you for explaining it that way as it made me feel better about things. Like Malcolm has said it is awesome to have a woman’s perspective since us guys only really have our dumb selves to learn anything about the opposite sex from.

    As far as your question goes I think Malcolm did a great job explaining it in detail but I will just add the following.

    First off we are DUMB, when it comes to woman. When I met my wife and after we had sex, I made the mistake of hooking up with another girl. I was not in love at all with this other girl. Actually she had an awesome car it was a $85,000 jaguar red convertible in 92. Plus she was hot. It is the girl that I cheated on her with back in 92.

    I quickly realized I was not into this girl but rather could not keep my mind of my first love (my future wife). Why did I do it? Honestly it was a “let me see if I can get this girl” kind of a thing. I guess I was proving to myself I could get this rich hot chick. I was never all that confident as a kid and then I grew into a (excuse me if I sound egotistical) but a rather handsome and strapping young man. I had a lot of woman interested in me in my day but really didn’t know what to do with them, lol. I guess I was enjoying my new found looks and was just exploring the possibilities when all along I had all ready found “the it girl” for me but didn’t know it. I did not have any feeling for this other girl, it was purely to see if I could do it. I think for a lot of us guys it is a conquer and destroy thing also.

    Hope this helps, if something is not clear please feel free to ask me to elaborate further.

    You can ask me anything if it helps. I think we should try and figure a way to get our spouses to understand us better like Malcolm proposed. I think we are all cut from the same cloth as far being nice people goes. Maybe we can put our heads together and figure out a strategy to get our spouses to open up to us like we so desperately want.

  308. J says:


    I have a question for you. Suppose you were able to get your wife to come clean. Suppose she told you that yes she was into this guy but loved you more, but she told you he was a way better lover than you and made her orgasm far better than you ever could. Keep in mind she said she loved you more than him but his sex was awesome and she was very much into it and he was better than you but loved you and not him. Would you believe it, would you stay with her knowing this.


    I have a question for you. Do you think it is possible for a woman to have great sex, I mean mind blowing sex with a guy. Say it happened 22 years ago and when you think of it you still get excited down there over it. Is it possible to have that kind of sex, like where you had 3 orgasms per session 5 session in one night like 15 orgasms basically all night sex. Is it possible to have that kind of sex and not fall in love with someone. Please don’t sugar coat it but be as honest as you can and give me your gut opinion.

    My wife told me that, she told me she never had as strong an orgasmic feeling with me in all the years as she did with this other guy in that one summer and she told me she had that kind of sex that I described in the first paragraph with him. Our sex has always been very vanilla, partly cause I never asked for anything crazy, just never thought of it. I should note she was not being cruel just open as I asked her to tell me the honest truth. (I have to say I never felt closer to my wife than when she was being so open, she later clammed up after I started crying) I know she is afraid to tell me anything else now, but I thank God she told me that. I think the fact that she told me all that might mean it was not all that important to her and that maybe it was just a excuse my language “great fuck” like she put it. I am having trouble coming to terms with this.

    She also said she loved me far more than him but his sex was far better than mine and unbelievable.

    Let’s say your husband never got you as excited as this other guy and this other guy was just amazing in bed and had you going nuts. Say he had a better body and was better looking and had a longer you know what. Would you or could you or could it be possible you did not love him or feel anything for him and it just be about a great lay and how likely would that be? I know you are a good girl but try and put yourself in the shoes of a woman that went through that.

    Any help from you guys to help me put this in the proper perspective weather painful or not would be greatly appreciated.


  309. Lightpost says:

    There are some tough questions there J.

    I do know a little bit about the abilities of her former lover in the sex department. I don’t think he was the great stud that your wife says she experienced but I also know she loved him and would do anything he wanted. My wife knows that talking about these things upsets both herself and I but I really do want to know everything.I am not sure how I would take it if she told me he was a better lover than me. I did find out that I was the first to give her oral sex and I can make her come many times once I can shut my mind off from thinking about his material coming out of her when I am doing it. Sounds very crude writing this stuff down and I am sorry in advance. I recall once when she was sitting on my face I actually made her to excited that she squirted on me. The one and only time that happened. You mentioned earlier J that your wife (to be) was in a sexual daze and I think there is some truth to that. When my wife gets that excited she is a different woman. She becomes quite “animal” and almost attacks me. This is many years ago now of course and nothing like it has happened for a long time. But the few times I got her to that state were the best sex sessions we ever had. When she was that horny she would drain every last drop out of me and squeeze and squeeze until she had what she wanted. So I do think it is very possible for a woman to become so sexually excited that she would do anything…and it has nothing to do with love. I think animal desires are triggered and her hormones will go off scale high. For my own part I really enjoy giving her that type of sex and when I see her so excited I forget about the history and enjoy it.

    I wish I could get her there now. It is just a distant memory now.

    But I am sure that with women there is a sexual desire that is buried deep inside and as Harmony says once women are satisfied that all is in order and the family is safe and you can arouse them enough you can make all hell break loose. With men, sexual desire is right on the surface. With women you have to dig for it. Any thoughts on that Harmony?

    Going back to your question is it possible for a woman to have mind blowing sex with a guy and not love him…the answer is a definite yes. One of the things I like about doing oral sex is you can start off slow – just a little brush on her cherry and then a gentle lick and progress from there. Now this is going to sound completely nuts to you both but the times when I used to do this often I would play Ravel’s Bolero in my head. It starts off very quiet and very slow and then ends in a massive crescendo. It takes about 13 minutes and I could bring her to multiple orgasms every time. I could only do it when the kids were asleep in bed so I would wake up in the middle of the night and start.
    One time I brought her to a massive orgasm then backed off while she came down off it then licked her again to get another one going for her. The most I ever did was four but she does not forget them. You know I really enjoyed giving them to her. I could focus all my thoughts and energy on her without wondering what Johnny was doing down below.

    I don’t think my wife did any kinky sex with her former fiance…I know she did blow jobs but nothing like anal or threesomes or anything like that. At least I don’t think so. Again as Harmony says if you are in love with someone you’ll do anything to please..even if it is outside of your comfort zone. But I think my wife has some limits there.

    I found Harmony’s comments and insights really powerful stuff. Like you J I am not that good at understanding women but what she said made perfect sense. Can’t think why I did not get that before.

    Also I may have found a way to edge our wives/husbands into talking about it with us. I was digging through some old photographs of us in our early days together and talking about the good times we had, when she started to bring up things in the past…funny things that happened when we were so much in love that nothing mattered. I said that we looked alot happier then…and she said we were and we started to talk around the subject of what had changed. She did not seem defensive at all and I think that may be the way to gently lead in to the conversation of how we feel. I am going to try it again and see if I can get any further with it.

    While I am not going to like it I think I do want her to tell me everything. At least I will know for sure and not play videos of things that may not even have happened.

    Anyway…thanks as always. I feel so much better every time I talk about this.

    Goodnight and really hope this is helping you guys as much as it is helping me. I feel like you have opened the lid on a pressure cooker for me. Thank you both so very much.


  310. Lightpost says:

    I just had a last thought J. While it may hurt you a bit you could ask her to show you what he did that got her so excited. After all if he could do it you sure could aswell. If she really likes the memories of that sex why not try and replicate it for her. Replace those meories with even better ones with you. I don’t think it is the size of your member that counts it is how you use it. I know my wife likes short hard pushes in and long slow pulls out until I am almost at her labia then back in again…that makes her really wet and horny. I was also quit good at holding off my ejaculation until she was at orgasm I know she really enjoys it when I come inside as she is having an orgasm and I know I am the only one that has done that for her. I can control that quite well.

    Goodnight guys and God bless you both for sharing your personal details with me. It means more than you could ever know to me.

  311. Lightpost says:

    Hello Harmony, I read your note above once more ( I was in a bit of a rush last time). How to avoid these triggers is difficult. The older I get and the more it sinks in that I have missed the boat so to speak the harder it gets to avoid things that will trigger that flood of emotions. I know the feelings you have so very well.

    Your mind is thinking about something else and on the TV or radio something comes on and all the memories and events come flooding back just like someone opened the flood gates of your memory. It was exactly that which drove me to seek some help on line last week.

    My wife was watching an episode of Outlander and there was a scene where the woman asks the question of the man she love “does it trouble you that I am not a Virgin”. I so so much wanted to tell my wife the answer to that question who was sitting next to me but a huge flood of emotions swamped me and I just had to leave the room. Not straight away as to make it obvious…I froze just like happens to you. Struggled to maintain my composure then made some excuse to get up and leave. I made a cup of tea for her and then came down here to the computer to seek help. It sent me into one of my depressionary spirals. Trouble is I am so good at concealing things that no one noticed but the pain inside was (and still is) immense. Just writing about it is not easy. I just started writing anything into the search engines and found this site trying to understand why I feel this way and to see if others had found the answers.

    I think what is bothering me is that I know I cannot changed the past. She will never be the virgin I so wanted her to be. But what is causing me so much pain lately is I know I also cannot change the future so I am stuck in this place for all time.

    That is what is really destroying me.

    I am so glad I found you all though. It makes the present much more tolerable.


  312. J says:

    I think my wife def loves me and I know she was madly in love me when we first met. She pursued me and she didn’t think I would like her. The first summer we started dating was magical for both of us. We shared ourselves and were together everyday in the hot summer daysm we couldn’t get enough of each other.

    She has told me when she was telling me everything that she was madly in love with me and that is why she came back to me and that he was just a F**k and really good one but that there was no heat. no love like when it was with me. I know she got excited when she was describing the things she did to him, (meaning she got wet) and it kind of crushed me to think she gets so excited about this guy whom she was only with for a few months when she thinks of it and never seemed to get that excited with me ever since we got back together now that I look back on it. That is what is killing me other wise I would be enjoying these stories she told me. In fact I still do get pleasure thinking of her in the throws of hot sex and enjoying it I just never thought I would hear she was so into it and he was so amazing because she always acted like she was not into this guy and it was no big deal and now I know that was just a cover up and that she really liked him. She was being honest, I just know.

    Thanks for your input Malcolm, I would love to her what Harmony things as well.



  313. Harmony says:

    You both are welcome, J & Malcolm.
    I will try to answer where I can and don’t worry about sugar coating or anything. I don’t take sides as well when explaining in a women’s point of view. The most important to me, is the truth and how we should see things clearly without asserting negative assumptions repeatedly as this is important for our recovery. True?

    J, abt your question abv, I think that kind of experience is possible to a smaller percentage of women. This is based on what I read in some forums. Some women are just into the physical aspects only (based on what I read) but when they found ‘the one’, they will be loyal to him forever. For me, personally, I must have feelings (strong feelings actually) for the guy that I want to sleep with otherwise I can’t do it. I believe, this is because of my own personal principles and how I was raised in my family. Something like Malcolm, I guess. So ya, it is possible.

    True Malcolm, for us, we normally do not just desire out of the blue. There are that exceptional times when ya, we get aroused but most times, it doesn’t just happen like men. Even when we loved our husbands like crazy, it has to happen at the right moment, time & place. Never think that just because she is not in the mood so therefore she don’t love me as much. NO, not like that at all. If we think the same like men, then we are not women!

    Funny to see I’m talking like some counsellor on this site when I am hurting bad myself..

    I hope we all will be on the brighter side one day. Maybe Jennifer can come in here soon to give some words?

  314. J says:


    So basically my wife is either a slut or she was madly in love with this other guy. Great, just great.

    We’ll if I had my choice I would take the slut option but I know in my heart she was in love with him because she is such a lady. I never even heard her fart but twice in our lives. I figured as much. She was in love with him and even when she was describing him and the things she did she was saying it with stars in her eyes. Oh well, I used to be so happy but now I just cant look at her the same. I sometimes wish I never bugged her to know but something in my subconscious kept telling me to ask.

    Thanks for making me laugh Harmony with the counselor line, lol

  315. Lightpost says:

    I was hoping for Jennifer to come here and give us some advice too Harmony. She seems to have managed to get over it.

    You’re a pretty good counsellor Harmony. I am understanding my wife much more each day because of you. It is very enlightening having you explain things from a womans point of view….and you are quite right I do not think like that at all. It does not bother me that the kids might hear us …. I hear them all the time…. but it certainly is a big turn off for her.I guess what is troubling me nowadays is how few times we do it together. It looks like there is never a right time or place. The last time we had it was on holiday in St.Lucia. She woke me up at 3am and just out of the blue asked me if I wanted sex. I was a bit startled because it had been over a year. She was very horny and very wet so everything seemed to fall into place that night. But looking back and putting it in the context of what you said it was the right time and place and circumstances for her. It seems though that these are becoming few and far between.

    Knowing the truth IS the key to this Harmony. I feel sure you are right on that. The only two people who know the truth in my case are my wife and her ex fiance. I know this will sound totally off the wall but I did even think about looking the guy up and asking him what happened….but I am not sure what I would get would be the truth or even if he would even talk to me. I despise the guy for what he did so it would be a very tense meeting I suspect. However desperate times deserve desperate measures and I would do anything to end this torture. I don’t know if either of you feel this way but I know a few facts about their first time together…not much…but I connect the dots and form a full colour motion picture of the event in my mind. I picture him entering her for the first time breaking her hymen and coming inside her and that is the video clip that plays and plays when these triggers set me off. That happens almost daily now. I hear the gasps and sounds she made when he she felt his penis enter her. It just breaks me apart as I can never be that person ever for the one woman in the world that I love.

    The problem is I am not sure that I am ready for the truth. Although a part of me wants to hear it another part of me thinks that the truth may fill in all the gory details which may be worse than the video I have created. I have thought that is why she does not want me to know. She knows the truth and she thinks the truth will REALLY hurt me and turn me away from her for good. Perhaps it is her way of trying to protect me as well as our marriage. She knows it upsets me alot.

    Writing here certainly is helping me get to grips with some of these issues and at least I am understanding why and how I feel the way I do and seeing her actions in a totally new light.

    J, as Harmony says there are a few women that can do that without liking a guy but I think she is right in saying it is just a few. From what you have said it looks to me that she really liked him. I don’t think you can reach any other conclusion. She may have started as revenge for what you did…try to make you jealous maybe…. but found she really liked him. But liking someone is not loving someone. She loves you…liked him. I think you got the better deal my friend.

    Hope you both have a good day tomorrow. Take care.


  316. Harmony says:

    I also think the same as Malcolm. She love you but liked him. She liked at that ‘moment’ only and never wished to be with him but want to be with you forever. You definitely got the better deal. You’ve got her first and now forever. It is definitely great! in my opinion. I am not saying that you have it better than Malcolm & me, ..but in a way, I can see the blessings there.

  317. Harmony says:

    Malcolm, if you ever decide to ask her more questions, do communicate in a calm and positive manner. I think there is no point talking when you are feeling agitated as the result may make the situation worse. I have talked to my husband a couple of times about this issue throughout our marriage and it always ended with me feeling more sore as I knew more details. Doesn’t help actually. Now I don’t ask and even though the problem remains, I am not as depressed as during the period of questioning and over analysing which always lasts for months after. Too tired now…

    I look at the positives to let me lasts the day…everyday

  318. Lightpost says:

    Thanks Harmony and J.

    You’re right Harmony perhaps more information is not going to help. Maybe the truth is worse. It’s early morning here (woke up with the video playing) and I was looking at her asleep thinking about things. What if I did know everything. Would it make it any better or any worse. I doubt it would stop the video playing. It would just be a different video wouldn’t it. I would edit it with the new information but it isn’t going to stop it.

    As I was looking at her I took your advice and looked at the positive side of things. What if he had not ditched her? Then she would not have gone out with me and none of our life together would have happened. Our kids would not exist. My granddaughter would not exist. So I should be pleased shouldn’t I.

    I think about my options now. Stay and live this nightmare forever. Leave and live a different nightmare of losing the one I love. I think I know I am already leading the life of the least of these two evils.

    Harmony, I need to ask you this question. Please don’t answer if it upsets you…that is the absolute last thing I would want to do…but this troubles me alot and I don’t know who else to aks or even how to ask the question really. I think it is true that, for women, losing their virginity is an event they remember in detail. A life milestone so to speak. I am sure that is the case with my wife from the little I know about this. So my question is do women remember other times they have made love in the same or similar way or does the virginity event stand out amongst all others. On the very few occasions we have discussed this (actually more of a heated argument than a discussion) I did determine that she did not recall the first time her and I had sex and that fact really churned me up. If you do answer that please don’t sugar coat it. I need to know the truth of that aspect of my dilemma. It is clear she remembers her virginity event but not my virginity event. Thinking about it, it may not be such a good thing to find out more from her. The truth may be worse the the fiction.

    Hope you have a good day Harmony and J. You are lovely people both of you for helping to answer these difficult questions for me. Perhaps we should think about what we have and not what we cannot have. The crazy thing is I do not knbow how to forget a past I did not even experience with her. I am trying to erase memories I did not make. Trying to erase HER memories.

    Anyway…Sun is up and another day starts. Take care both of you.

  319. J says:

    Hello Malcolm and Harmony you guys really great people too. I am just so confused. I too look at her in bed and wonder who is this woman sometimes. I just know I am never going to look at her the same. With all the trust in the world that she is with out a doubt that she is the best thing to ever happen to me. I just have to wonder now, is she?

    You guys have great day.

  320. J says:

    Also guys I will add. You guys have said that she might have liked him. I actually feel she loved him in order to do all those things I would sure hope she did. Then once he was done using her for his sexual pleasure or after he lost all respect for her and realized it she decided to run back to the one that adored her. I believe that is what I am dealing with hear. Any advice on that one.



  321. Lightpost says:

    Oh boy that struck a nerve J. In a slightly different way I get exactly that feeling. Here is how it plays out in my case. Former boyfriend becomes fiance….in love…or so she thinks…screw the daylights out of each other…he gets bored…changes his mind after he got what he wanted…finds another virgin…is screwing the daylights out of the new one….she finds out…so he dumps her like a dishrag…she is totally devastated…I come along…knight in shining armour….takes great care of her…does she love me or need a shoulder to cry on?…..ask her to marry me….does not say yes immediately…..says yes after I tell her I will not ask twice (read I will leave)….realises this is too good a gig to give up….fakes the rest.

    That is EXACTLY how I think she feels about me J. A marriage of convenience. I always get that vibe. On most occasions I get the impression that sex is a chore. She does not get passionate except on a very few occasions I described before.

    She never ever makes the first move. For someone that really wants you THEY WOULD make the first move and that has never happened to me.I have to come to the conclusion that she does not really want me in the same way she wanted him.

    I cannot speak to your situation J cos I don’t know her well, except to note that it sure has many similarities to mine. You, like me got her on the rebound from someone else. My Dad told me to be careful about that and I did not listen to him. I wished I had now.

    On the positive side, she has given me three great kids and I know she went through alot to have them. But does she really love me? I think she does but most definitely not with the same passion and desire that she loved him. Maybe women cannot do that twice. That is a question for Harmony I think. But it is my cross to bear I suppose.

    Thanks all.


  322. Lightpost says:

    I have to correct myself there. She DID make the first move once when we were on holiday in Hawaii and trying for our first child. She woke me up at three in the morning (Harmony – a penny has just dropped…this is the time she feels comfortable) stroking my penis. That was the nicest thing to wake up to. She was on top of me with me in her before I had got my eyes open. That was a good night but it is the one and only time she ever physically initiated sex with me.

  323. Harmony says:


    About which event would stand out the most, the first, second or tenth, nothing stand out for me. I’m talking based on my own experience, can’t say for others as I am not sure how others felt.

    I believe she remembers your first time but there’s no reason to be talking about it, isn’t it? Even more so now that you both have been married for so long, all those topics are not something to be suddenly be discussed about or bring about. It is just a memory left just there. This is how I may feel.

    I cannot say that she went to you because of the reasons you’ve stated but I can somewhat that for women, many of us will choose to marry a man not just because we love them. We also look at other aspects like, if he can be a good husband, good father and if his personality is something that we can live with. We will think more. Really more, unlike man. Therefore, Malcolm & J, both of you shouldn’t be upset about your partners choosing you based on ‘marriage of convenience’ or ‘better deal’ thing because our choices are made based on a wide variety of factors. Not, looks…not, ‘ he’s the man to die for’ etc…

    N yes, Malcolm, women can do that twice, thrice.. That desire, that passion. Only she knows herself, how deep the passion is. However, loving a husband is the greatest especially if there are children born out of that marriage. Nothing beats that love.

  324. Harmony says:


    Can anyone tell me if a man can remember their sexual flings really well? Especially if he gave his virginity to her? I mean, the event, the ‘act’.. It is a very happy & memorable memory? Will a man always think about or miss their long gone flings? Will he compare with his wife even if he loves his wife?

    Please no sugarcoating too.
    * Any guys can help answer this as I’m not too sure whether Malcolm & J could relate to this scenario. Thanks guys!

  325. J says:

    Malcolm, you just described my whole life. I also can only remember one time that she initiated sex. Once in all my years. I just can’t imagine someone settling like that but I guess woman are different, I should “some woman” are different.

    My wife never want sex. I always have had not be the one to initiate heck I have had to beg, pay sometimes, but never does she seem to enjoy it unless I go down (excuse me) but never does she ask me.

    I hate to say this Malcolm but it is possible you are in the same boat with me and that she was with a super stud and he ruined her. I hope that is not the case and I am sorry to even put that thought into your head but the more I hear how similar our situations are it strikes me you may not want to know what really happed and you might be better off. For me I am actually glad I know. Because I do feel much free -er.

    I always used to be so over protective of her. I would always be afraid she was going to leave me. I felt she was too good for me, and now I am less concerned with all that. My biggest fear was that she eventually meet a guy who makes great passionate sex to her and she goes of with him and leaves me. Know I have to live with the fact that she’s been there done that.

    I was joking around with her today actually and said “honey I know I was second best” she says in return, “well it wasn’t like there were too many guys knocking on my door” my stomach dropped.

    In my case I know my wife was in love with guy. I know that now. I have always been great at reading between lines and after her coming clean 6 months ago now everything adds up perfectly, it all makes sense. I was second best maybe even third best.

    But I am starting to take the approach that ok I’m with someone who won’t love me as much as I love her (at least not sexually) and maybe I should view her as an object. No wait that sounds terrible. I don’t know what to do, but like you said in one of your posts being able to talk to you about is like taking the lid off of a pressure cooker.

    Thanks buddy.

    PS I was also in Hawaii with her but that was in our first year together before “super penis” got a hold of her arse!

  326. J says:


    I can answer this I actually had a few flings and even another virgin before my wife. I can remember some of the sex but it is more like pictures than a movie in most cases I can’t remember much just certain things like a certain position or a way a former lover sat on me. one girl I remember was doggie style cant remember name though, One had great boobs and road me while on her feet that was a huge turn on. All are pleasant thoughts and memories I am not going to lie.

    As far as the other virgin it was not all that special for her sadly, at least I don’t think it was. The other girl I was not in love her and we were both drunk. She was very nervous but she wanted me to be the guy. I don’t remember the sex at all I just remember she was trembling with excitement. She was and still is a friend of my sister’s but I don’t see her much. When I do see her I do always think I had her first, not to be a jerk I guess it is just how it is.

    But to be honest I can remember almost all the times my wife and I had sex. Almost everything. But she on the other hand can’t recall any of my favorite times we made love. That kills me. She can describe in great detail how this other guy handed her her arse and she still remembers it like it was yesterday, but some of our best times together she can’t even recall like one time we did out in the back in our pool at night.
    Or when we did it in the car when we first started dating, she don’t remember it, but him she can tell you every thought and feeling she was having and get wet while thinking about it to boot! lol. Yikes!

    Talk about pain!

    Hope that helps Harmony let me know if you need more detail about a specific thing.

  327. Harmony says:

    Firstly, thankyou for the fast reply. I had thought you went off for dinner or to bed as your time & my time here are totally different.

    Ok, since you said you can remember quite a lot, are those thoughts making you happy? Even if you didn’t have special feelings for the women?

    Is it possible to have feelings of love at that moment of passion and then it die off after the fling ended? Or, there was no love at all from the beginning?

    Thank-you J!

  328. Harmony says:

    Anyway J,

    I myself don’t remember much about my earlier experiences with my husband but my husband ever told me, eh you remember we did this…that. I told him, I can’t remember! It has got to do with something in our brains sometimes, I

    Remember, I am not siding with your wife. I don’t even know her.

  329. Lightpost says:

    Thanks for your description of your various flings. I must be honest and say that I have never done anything like that. My wife was my first and my last. The only woman I have ever been with….or wanted to be with. But you did reinforce one very significant thing for me when you said ” When I do see her I do always think I had her first, not to be a jerk I guess it is just how it is.” You are right it is how it is. I don’t think men can think anything else. Of course it deeply hurts me for you to say that because I know her former lover thinks exactly that too. It is the very reason why I moved to Canada….so that he would never see her and she would never see him again.

    But that thought is never far from my own thoughts. That there is another man out there who knows her as intimately as I do and took her virginity. It is very very painful to know that.

    Interesting Harmony that you cannot really recall losing your virginity. On most of the websites I have been too where women describe it it seems to be a stand out event…at least one they remember in great detail. All women like all men are different I suppose.

    For me I cannot separate love from sex. It is probably true that I could have sex with a woman and not love her just for the physical pleasure but I don’t think I ever was the type of guy that would consciously do that. For me loving a woman and having sex with her are the same thing and inseparable. But I am a man and I am sure under some circumstances I could do that. But I think I would probably feel guilty afterwards.

    A question for J. Does your wife know about your own sexual history. If she does how does she feel about it? Do you think that may have been one of the drivers that pushed her to this other man? Did she think that you had passionate sex with the other girls and wanted to one-up you so to speak. JUst a few thoughts that might explain her behaviour.

    Thanks once again guys. I don’t think I could have wished for better people to share this with. This really helps me alot.

    Take care.

  330. J says:


    I was very hesitant to tell you about that but I wanted to be 100 percent honest about just like I would want you guys to be to me. I believe knowing the truth and accepting it is half the battle.

    Please don’t think I was some kind of player, not be any stretch of the imagination. I was very good looking (sorry if that sound like I am bragging) but honestly I never made the first move. Even my wife, I joke with her that she actually stalked me, lol. She was into me sexually until she met superman, she told me he was a model with a six pack abs this guy was like a perfect 10 with a great big willie to boot. Just my luck she falls into the arms of that.

    Harmony Ill get back to you

  331. J says:

    Harmony you asked the following:

    YOUR QUESTION: Ok, since you said you can remember quite a lot, are those thoughts making you happy? Even if you didn’t have special feelings for the women?

    ANSWER: Not so much happy, maybe I would say happy that those woman were attracted to me but not happy about the feelings it gave me cause it was nothing about the feeling that was that memorable, but proud that a woman would want to do that kind of thing for me, kind of a thing. I also felt a little guilty that I was getting that, maybe because I did not love them or maybe because I didn’t think I deserved it, remember I had low self esteem and it wasn’t until my late teens early 20s that I became hot. I was always a tall good looking guy, I had great eyes, but I was a little chubby and had no confidence.

    Then I lost weight I started working out and got my body in great shape (never had a 6 pack though darn it) and I am 6 and 1/4 inches in length but pretty thick down there so I guess I am not chop liver. I know a lot of woman would have died to be with me as I did break a few hearts of my own in my day but sorry for bragging. I would not use the word happy, but there certainly was some satisfaction involved or feeling of great accomplishment.

    I think most guys consider it a quest or a “seek and destroy” kind of think when they are able to get in a girls pants. A notch on the old belt so to speak so it is possible I guess to feel happy about that part of it.

    QUESTION: Is it possible to have feelings of love at that moment of passion and then it die off after the fling ended? Or, there was no love at all from the beginning?

    ANSWER: Love? Yes for yourself since like I said it is a feeling of great accomplishment at least it was for me and I think it is for most men unless that man is so hot that he has sex 10 times a day with 10 different ladies.

    But I think what you are trying to get at is while I was with them was there love there at that moment. To answer that I say I only felt that when I was with my wife and it was an over whelming feeling of love. I never felt that with anyone else, I don’t remember feeling that way with any other girl so that tells you something right there.

    I think one thing that keeps me going is that I believe in chemistry. I believe when two people are right for each other their body goes off like a pineball machine inside trying to alert us that this person is a perfect match to our body’s make up. That is what I felt with my wife and NO OTHER WOMAN was even close to that heck no other women even entered the arena when it comes to that.

    Hope that helps, if not feel free to ask me anything.

    Malcolm – my wife does not know anything about my past sexual experiences, nothing at all!

    Thanks guys have a great day, I am starting to love you two people, lol!

  332. J says:

    Malcolm I will add that I cheated on her so she new about that. She seen me with the other girl hanging out. I know it was horrible for her and she went nuts and it was a crappy thing to do her but I was soooo dumb when I was younger. I was also very immature I think I was just doing it just to see if I could it really meant nothing to me. Like kind of testing my ability to pick up hot woman. My wife was and is very hot but I wanted to see what else I could do I guess at the time. When my girl seen that she threw herself into this other guys arms with a broken heart I am sure.

    She was hurting and this guy probably took advantage of that and also he was like this perfect looking stud. Every guy’s worst nightmare for his girl to be with. But I guess that was the price I had to pay for hurting the one I loved so much, so be it and eventually I got her back so maybe it was meant to be.

    I have always kind of had the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Maybe her experience with him and getting dumped by him made her never want to lose me maybe that is why it happened. I at least like to think that is why.

    Hope you guys are having a nice day.

  333. Lightpost says:

    You are the only two people in the world I have told this to so you’re very special people to me even though I have not met you.

    I want you to be honest with me J..even though I don’t like the words very much I would rather you tell me what your thoughts are than give me bs. Letting me know that when you see the girls whose virginity you took you know that you were there first is something I have heard other guys say as well. One of my former work colleagues put it another way by saying that he took the cherry off the top and the other guys got the leftovers. So quite sure that is how most guys think. I am also quite certain that is what her former fiance thinks too and as I said I wanted to be away from any possibility of either of them having those thoughts by seeing each other. I did tell my wife once that was the main reason for coming to Canada. I just wanted to get away from her old haunts and all the memories they would hold. It has worked very well for us. When we were living in the UK we would often get into arguments about going to a nightclub or disco they used to frequent. It seemed I could not take her anywhere that she had not already been with him. In Canada everything was a new experience for both of us and the arguments dropped to zero. The hurting never stopped (for me) but the arguments did. it’s also when the money started rolling in so Canada has been very good. I think it has been a major contributor to our being together all these years. The country that is – not the money..although that helps. So thanks for telling it like it is. While I hate the thought of it your words clarified for me what her ex thinks for sure.

    I suppose it is a sense of accomplishment in a way to take a girls virginity or even to get into her pants J but sadly I will never know that that feels like will I?

    Really I think the only difference between us is that you were young and naive with opportunities whereas I was young and naive with few opportunities. I did not have access to many girls in my life. It was like living in a monastery at my house although I did have a big crush on my cousin. I think my aunt suspected something as she didn’t come over very much after that. She used to wear a miniskirt over to our house and looking back I am sure she wanted me to take her virginity. She was about 16 at the time – I was 18. I am sure on one occasion she was not wearing any underwear as she briefly opened her legs, flashed me and smiled. Of course at the time I dod not know what I was looking at. Actaully looking bask I did have opportunitiesa – just never capitalised on them….you did. I did have it in my mind that I wanted to lose my virginity with my wife on our wedding night so maybe that is what hedl me back.

    We are similar in more ways than one J!! We even have about the same size pecker my friend. Mine’s about 6 and a quarter and very big around….and only one owner ha ha. That’s the very first time I have laughed about this J. It is always a tight squeeze getting it in….even after she had the kids.

    I was surprised you said that your wife does not know about your sexual history. Has she ever asked you the same questions you have asked her? If not why is that? That might be something Harmony can help us with. Perhaps women do not care about a man’s sexual past although Harmony clearly does and I understand how she feels totally. My wife did ask me whether I had been with anyone else and I am embarrassed to say that I lied to her and said I had because I thought she was wanting me to have more experience (possibly to justify her actions). It was in the middle of one of our many arguments on the subject in our courting days. But I felt so bad about it that I had to tell had later that it was a pile of crap.

    I am learning so much from you both. It feels so good to be able to talk about these things with people who care.

    Harmony can you answer me this one please. Neither you nor I have had any other lovers except our spouses. Have you ever had the desire to try it with someone else? I will be totally honest here and say that while I do love my wife very much I sometimes fantasize about being with another woman. It nearly always comes about after I have had a bad day thinking about her with her ex. Just wondering whether you have those thoughts too.

    Thanks again both of you. All of this is painful to write about but I am learning a whole new aspect of this from you and I cannot thank you enough.


  334. J says:

    Malcolm, my wife has asked but I didn’t have the heart to tell her. She is the jealous type. She does not even like me to watch women on TV in bikinis, she makes me change the channel. I know she could not handle it. She has tried to get it out of me from time to time and she does suspect I have had some experience in my past but she does not know nearly the extent. I have been with about 10 to 12 woman I would say. Honestly can not remember. But it was always my plan to be virgin until I got married it just didn’t work out that way. I was 17 when I lost my virginity.

    I just never wanted to break her heart cause one time she was asking me and I started to tell her and her face dropped and looked so sad that I quickly circled back and told her I was kidding. I was going to tell her about this cheer leader I dated in high school. She was my first. She came on to me and her friend told me she thought I was cute. We ended up dating for about a month and then it finally happened.

    I hate to admit this because it sounds awful but I told my wife I was still a virgin when my wife and I did it. I know it is horrible but I wanted to make her happy and I have lived with this lie to protect her for all these years. I know she would freak out if she knew everything. Like I said she suspects I may have been with 2 girls. The one I cheated on and my sister’s friend and that is because my sisters big mouth blurted it out at a party one time and she never forgot it.

    I said my sister didn’t know I came up with some lame excuse and she bought it but she still suspects. I know it sounds bad and it is a tough bag to carry around but I could never bring myself to tell her. If she knew how much I loved her and how little I felt for them other girls she probably would fell too bad I never wanted to take that chance.

    Malcolm I am curious what line of work are you in, how did you make your money? I am a graphic designer, there is not a whole lot of money in that profession but it affords a decent life style.

    By the way I too had a major crush on my cousin but never acted on it!

    I would like to get to know the both of you better because I too have said things to you two that I have never said to anyone either but it is kind of weird it is almost like you two are next to my heart but so far away and I would love to have a drink with you guys just to laugh away our pain but how the heck would that be possible, lol. Cool thought though but I guess that would be tough to pull off.

    Anyway I am perfectly content and extremely grateful having our daily conversations with you guys the way we do. I check this site first thing in the morning and first thing when I get home from work then pretty much every hour on the hour after that.

    Anyway have a good night.



  335. Harmony says:


    Frankly, it is not that I cannot recall but more of refusing to recall. Remember, my case was different? I wasn’t happy.. so all the first few experiences was something that couldn’t make me feel excited and when it first happened, I felt that my soul has left my body. I was present but not present. I don’t know if you can understand…probably a psychologist may understand what I am trying to explain. Sorry if I can’t explain it well for you.

    Your mindset about everything happened for a reason is really great J. I like what you are thinking, that those things happened and then she never want to lose you again. I felt better for you.

    Malcolm, some women care about her partner’s past, some don’t. I noticed that by going to various forums and sites..when I was looking for help and support. I wish I am those women who don’t care. I was/am so bothered about it that frankly, I do at times have those ‘thoughts’ about having a boyfriend. I don’t want to use the word it sounds better, roll eyes. I don’t want to be the bad wife/mother so I just keep it to myself. Now since you asked, so I tell. Hopefully my life gets better as I don’t want to act on it! I always tell myself, other people have bigger problems, so just live with this.

    I am a little confuse now. You were saying that you were not a virgin the first time you were with your wife but she was? I really thought that you both were virgins for each other. No yes?

    Yes, we are all far away from one another. I am very far away from Canada and have never been there. It’s great to know you both too.

  336. Harmony says:

    Thankyou for your explanation about your past experiences. At least it help me believe that my husband was telling the truth..that he didn’t love his fling. In fact, he said that he can’t remember much as he had alcohol involved though I am not sure how much was he consuming. I couldn’t believe that a man can forget his first experience . What are your thoughts? Can they really forget? Was the satisfaction less or more if they had been drinking a little together before the act? Thank-you very much J. I really appreciate .

  337. Lightpost says:

    Some really interesting thoughts there guys. I can’t write much now but will be back later today. Your comments Harmony that ” I felt that my soul has left my body.” is exactly the way I feel. I don’t think I could have said it any better. It is so painful.

  338. J says:


    First, let me clarify. I was NOT a virgin but my wife was when we first had sex. My first was a cheerleader that I spoke of. We were hanging out at a friends house and there were about six of us. We were drinking and we all slept over. Her and I were holding each other and when everyone fell asleep we did it. She was not a virgin but I was. All I remember was putting it in. I can’t remember how good it felt, I cant remember when I came but I did. I think I was nervous but truthfully all I remember from that whole experience was her spreading her legs as she laid there on the floor and me putting it in.

    I don’t remember a thing after that. I remember the next day though and everyone was busting my chops for doing the deed and all the guys were trying to punch me in the nuts and she said something I thought was cute. She said, “hey don’t hurt him I need that thing.”

    I did not meet my wife until a few years after that. My wife was still a virgin but I was not BUT I told her I was. She still to this day thinks I was a virgin when we meet. I don’t know why I lied about that to her I guess I just wanted her to feel better about me.

    I believe your husband Harmony that he probably does not remember much since I can’t recall too much from my first time either.

    Talk to you guys later.

  339. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J for your comments earlier. I do feel like we have known each other for years. Likely too far apart for a drink though.

    Everyone is different J and Harmony. I am realising that now. I certainly cannot relate to your experience J. I remember every single little detail of losing my virginity – even the words she said to me.I think I described the event earlier. Perhaps it is different because she is my wife now. It was not planned really – I think she just wanted to see how I felt inside her. I had planned to wait until marriage but with her virginity already a thing of the past I guess I did not think there was any point to waiting. I do regret that now as our wedding night was nothing special for either of us. I recall we did have sex in her wedding gown. I remember that because I had one of my evil fleeting thoughts that she really ought not to be wearing white. I did not come when I lost my virginity but it was a great experience that I will remember til my dying days. So I cannot relate to men who don’t recall it very well – either it did not mean very much or they have bad memories. I can’t say what I would feel if it were another woman other than my wife I was talking about.

    Talk more later.


  340. J says:

    Malcolm I think you hit the nail on the head. For me my first was with a girl whom I thought I was very much in love with at the time but really I did not know what true love felt like until I met my wife.

    My first time with my wife I remember every detail. So maybe that is why your first is so clear because you were lucky enough to have the girl of your dreams be your first. I think that is so cool.

    I am very saddened for you though when you say you had those feeling on your wedding night. For me it took 25 years to find out she had a better lover. I can’t imagine I would have stayed with her or married my wife had I know this info then. You are a better man than I Malcolm.

    But I was so much in love with her I probably would have taken her back even if I knew the whole truth then.

  341. Lightpost says:

    I find it hard to believe that anyone – man or woman – would forget their first sexual experience. Alcohol or no alcohol. As I said above I vividly remember mine. It was less than I expected mind you but in large part that is because I know it did not mean very much to her and time has confirmed that for me – but notwithstanding that aspect of it I still remember it very clearly. Like I said I am not every man so I cannot generalise as we are all different – but I do find it far fetched to say that a man does not remember. I think remembers – but chooses not to talk about it is more in line with reality.

    I feel much the same as you do Harmony. It is so odd that we are on different sides of the sex divide but share much the same feelings. I feel like I am in this circular room with a number of doors marked “Exit”. One is labelled “Find someone else”. another is labelled “Tell her exactly what you feel” yet another is labelled “Find a virgin”. I open none of them because I don’t know where they lead but suspect these doors lead to long dark corridors and I see no light at the end of them. In the floor of the room is a trap door with a lever on the side marked “Exit from the world – to end your pain pull lever”. I go around and around the room and always end up standing on the trap door.

    But lately I have found another door marked “Sanctuary” I have opened it and it leads to a small room with a computer where I found relief from the circular room and I am not on the trap door any more. Now you must think I am a complete nutbar…..but that is how best I can decribe how trapped and alone I feel. Pain all the time I am in the room – relief in my sanctuary. You two are shedding so much light on why I feel like I do. For so many years I was completely alone. Now I am not and know there are others out there.

    J, I read your post with great interest. I’ll tell you about the money bit in a separate note as Harmony probably will not be interested in that aspect of my life. A couple of things stood out for me that could explain your wife’s behaviour towards you. Not going to sugar coat this so I apologise in advance as I really do not want upset one of my best e-friends.

    You said that you have not told your wife about any of your 12 past sexual exploits and you told her you were a virgin when you took her virginity. One thing I do know about women (sorry Harmony) is that they find out information by networking (some call it gossipping – that is NOT what it is). Women are experts at it. So when you say that your sister let the cat out of the bag that you had sexual relations with one of her friends she immediately found out 3 things about you. 1. That you were prepared to lie to her (never a good thing whatever the reason) 2. That you were not a virgin when you took hers and 3. You had a sexual past with at least one other woman. Because women network so well you can be very sure she knows much more about your sexual history than you think she does.

    So what would YOU do to compensate for that. Well I think you would promote your own sexual history…maybe embellish it a little – or alot…to make you jealous of her. If she is the possessive type (most girls are to some degree or other) then her behaviour is designed to make you jealous of her because I think she is envious of the other women of your sexual past and is afraid of losing you to someone else. She probably does not know about all 12 but dollars to donuts she knows about a few. There are 12 women out there that talk to their friends and since you have had many girls sexually you can guarantee that your wife has heard this from them via the girls grapevine. It is a very powerfdul tool that women know how to use much better than men.

    As I said, I am quite sure your wife knows much much more about your past history than you think she does. If you want to find out the real truth about her “stud adventures” it may be the time to come clean with her. She almost certainly knows any way. She may feel she cannot perform as well as your other lovers with you. Don’t know that for sure buit could be part of it.

    Of course that may not be the answer but I am good at anaylsing facts to come up with logical explanations and that is certainly one take on what you have told me.

    Hope that helps – sorry if it might have upset you…would not want to do that for the world.Just want to ease your pain a bit that is all.

    All the best


  342. Lightpost says:

    J. You asked me about the wealth/money thing I mentioned. I wasn’t going to say anything about it here except I realised how much this had affected me over my life and I had used building wealth as a smoke screen to stop me thinking about the issues with my wife and sexual things. I have been using it to try to block out my thoughts and feelings all these years.

    So, how did I build wealth….it was really very easy looking back J. Mostly through stocks and real estate but I also invest in rare coins and stamps – both long time hobbies of mine. Really sounding like a boring guy now aren’t I. First thing to realise is you have to spend less than what you make. Then with the difference you start small but consistently add to your portfolio. Like Warren Buffet (not as wealthy as he is by the way) I think long term and rarely sell anything.Just buy good assetts and hold them forever. I never worry about the ups and downs of the stock market. When good value stocks go down I just buy more and wait for them to go back up again. They always do.

    Then you simply let compounding and time work its magic. Believe it or not coins and stamps have outperformed the stock market by a wide margin. 15 – 25% appreciation over the past 2 decades.

    It is quite a coincidence that you are in the graphics business…I had a graphic design and printing company in the late 80’s just when computer graphics started to become popular. We wound that up as it took alot of our time and was not making much. But I really enjoyed it. I am an engineer by training but a really enjoyed the creativity of that work.

    Any way happy to answer any questions

    Take care


  343. Lightpost says:

    Just saw your new post. Not a better man than you J – just very naiive and stupid really. If I had known how the pain and heartache affected me over the years I would have done things differently. But love – as they say – is blind. In my case blind deaf and dumb.

    I regret having those thoughts on my wedding night. It was a lovely wedding day and everything about it was just great except when we were on our own and it hit me that this was the night I had dreamed of for so many years. Neither of us were virgins and I just could not get this terrible thought out of my head that this beautiful woman should not be wearing white. I know is is an awful thought to think and even worse when I write it down but it is the truth. My wife did look absolutely stunning on our wedding day. My heart did skip a beat (literally) when I saw her coming down the aisle. But our wedding night – well like I said before – it was just a ho hum affair…almost boring really. I don’t remember that much about the details except she was in her wedding dress and we had sex…that is about it. A huge anticlimax. I cannot even remember if I came or not.

    You know I have just recalled what triggered that thought. I remember lifting up her dress and she had pure white lingerie on underneath. It was the sight of those white panties that set it off.

    So here we are 38 years later and 40 years after we met and I still have these thoughts to torment me.

    I could not ever say these things to her. I know she would be devastated that I thought our wedding night was not special. It was I suppose in some ways but a real let down from what it could have been. Another regret to add to the very long list.


  344. J says:

    Malcolm you are quite fascinating and I an very happy to know you and be able to converse with you. I like your theory but I am just completely convinced at this point that she was into him more than me, but maybe just maybe it was just sex to her and nothing more, maybe I really want to believe that maybe there was no chemistry like she said
    and I don’t ever want you to sugar coat anything. I consider you a friend and probably always will.

    Malcolm I feel so bad for you that you have had these sad feelings for all these years and no one to talk to about it. I have been harboring these feeling for 6 months now before I met you guys and I felt like I was going to just waste away. I say can not imagine holding that in for so long. I am so glad you are feeling better from our talks as I feel exactly the same and I too analyze everything. It’s something I enjoy probably because I am a Virgo!

    Anyway I’m feeling better these days and it is because of one reason, knowing you and harmony. I feel so much better knowing you are out there to bounce these thoughts off of. Thanks buddy!

  345. J says:

    Ok Malcolm and Harmony I guess you could say today was a great day. My wife and I are in the process of buying a another house so she has been acting very nice to me lately. This morning we actually talked a bit I mean don’t get me wrong she didn’t admit everything yet, but she is starting to open up to me again. For me it is a sign of trust and that is what I missed and I love that she trusts me enough to tell me stuff without worrying I will judge her.

    I think that is what freaked her out the first time sand cause me so much pain because six months ago there she was spilling her guts like I kept begging her to do then when I put 2 and 2 together and realized what I realized that this guy was super lover I started crying so she clammed up. that left only myself to conclude everything else that might have had happened.

    SO anyway today we were sitting on the couch she came over to me and sat on me and I of course begged her for a kiss. I have put on s few pounds over the years and certainly don’t look like I did 20 years ago, she on the other hand looks great she looks like she has not aged a day. I think that is cause of all the trouble she caused me lol, that caused me to age and because I do everything for her she never had a worry so it would make sense she would not look aged because she has no real stress in her life but me, lol.

    Anyway she gave me a very nice kiss and I joked with her by saying is that how you used to kiss (I said his name) and she didn’t freak out like she usually does instead she went with and said yes. I was shocked. Than I said that was great. Then somehow I can’t recall what I said after than but she has this thing for ryan goslinger the guy in “the notebook” movie so I said close your eyes and kiss me like you were kissing Ryan Golsinger (not sure if im saying that right but he is am actor that she likes) so , wow, is all I have to say. She kissed me like I have never been kissed before by her or anyone else. She said lose the weight and I will kiss you like that all the time. I was in shock because I don’t recall ever being kissed like thst, like she did to me just then. I got mixed emotions though I was kind of sad because she never kissed me like that before but mostly a feeling of great joy came over me because it was so hot, it was just plain amazing, omg. I am still weak thinking about it right now. Whoa.

    Then I throw this out there again, I said wow (the old boyfriend’s name) is really lucky that you used to kiss him like that. Then she said you should see what I can do when I am sucking a you know what. Now she said it to turn me on and it did sure did. Biong is all I have to say. I liked it so much but then I also had this feeling like someone just put a bag over my head and punched me in the gut, lol. Because here I am thinking wow my wife can do all these sexual things that I never knew she could do so well that she has certainly never done to me and I didn’t know how I should take it. I got aroused of course but really was confused about how to feel about learning that. I must say I was happy for some reason, it’s weird I can’t figure it out. Harmony if there is any insight or comments you can spare on why a woman might hold back sexually from a man she says shes loves even if it is painful or why i might be feeling this way I could really use your insight right about now. Malcolm you too of course.

    I don’t know why I get aroused from that kind of talk but I have been happy about it all day snce it happened. Happy that she seems to be opening up to me once again, just plain happy. I am a little sad that she never kissed me like that or sucked me like that but the fact that she did now is a good thing and I am happy about that. She also said to me “you have no idea how passionate I can be”. She kind of let it slip but it totally coincides whit what she was telling me 6 months ago.

    And I am happy about all this because why? Guys any thoughts. I feel like we are getting back on track towards her being completely open with me again and then I can find out just what happened and just how she felt about him, actually that is what I must be so happy about I would say.

    A word of advice to you both. If you ever do get your spouse to start opening up to you, no matter what they tell you YOU MUST play it off like it does not bother you that much and that you ABSOLUTELKY appreciate their honesty. Don’t ever through it back in the face. If you react in any negative fashion they will clam up and it will take forever to get back to that wonderful spot and be so close to them again.

    Harmony you have been great with your female perspectives, it is such an advantage to have a friend of the opposite sex to tell you her perspective from a woman’s point of view, and Malcolm you have been exponential in my development buddy. I really care about the two of you so please I encourage you to try anything you can to get your spouses to talk to you. I have been a major pain in the butt to my wife and have finally worn her down I think. I think openness is the key to any relationship because I have not felt this good in 6 months I tell you.

    I am sure I will be down once it sinks in that she sucked his you know better than she ever did mine and that she can suck so good and I never knew it but for now I am excited to learn what my wife can do and am glad to have that possibility on the table because I love her and she turns me on so bad!!

    Hope you guys are managing ok.

  346. Lightpost says:

    Very pleased to know you also J. I agree so much with what you said about Harmony’s perspective on things. It is priceless for me to know a woman’s point of view. So different from the way men think.So many thanks to you Harmony for sharing with us. I know the hurt you feel so well and know how difficult it is to write about it. Somehow we need to find a way to stop things from triggering these thoughts of the past.

    Pleased you had a better day today J. I had a good day too except for one episode in Winners when she was trying on some shoes. My wife has very pretty feet. I have always said she should be a foot model. Like the rest of her they are very petite. Anyway the Sun was shining we were having a good time and my thoughts were so far from thinking about her and her ex. Then I had this flashback of those pretty feet wrapped around him and that was the end of my good day. I just do not understand what triggers these feelings and thoughts. She kissed me later and all I could think about was his penis in her mouth.

    Seem like anything sets it off these days. I try so hard not to think about it but my thoughts always end up back there 42 years ago when they were screwing each other.

    Harmony has suggested trying to think about the good things you have and that does work (I have been trying hard to do that) but I am still getting these occasions when I cannot think about anything else.

    Not sure where I would be without the two of you to talk to. J, I too have let myself go a bit but I have just started to lose weight and feeling much better for it. I figure it will likely make me more attractive to her and if I do eventually decide to go my own way more attractive to other women aswell.

    Not that I am badly overweight – about 20 or 30 lbs too heavy. I don’t look my age though. People peg me at about 45-50 but I have always looked much younger than my actual years…a good thing I think. My family has long lived genes – my Mum, Uncles and Aunts are all in their 90’s so I think I am blessed with the same.

    My wife sounds very different to yours. She would never suck me down there. She only has ever done that once – no twice. One time when we were doing “69” that I told you about before and the other time in my car coming back from my grandparents house while I was driving. Very dangerous I might add but I enjoyed it. Never done it since.

    Glad you think I am fascinating…but I am just a regular guy really J. You would not know to see me in the street. Don’t wear expensive clothes – although my wife thinks I should…..I am a Walmart guy…I figure that since I own about 50,000 shares in that Company so might as well support their sales. That was a good deal by the way. Bought that in 1995 I think. Done very well….buy and hold like I said.

    Pleased you are getting to grips with the issues between you and your wife. Cannot get mine to open up. I will try that method you suggested but it is very hard not to get angry. However I will try and control my emotions and see if I can get her to talk. It is really tough…99% of the time I am this cool headed guy….never gets angry…never lose my temper and yet when she starts to talk about things (very rare) I just explode. Cannot explain it for the life of me.

    Another part of me says just leave the memories where they are….like HArmony says. Your wife seems to enjoy talking about it – mine I think does not like that at all. I think deep in her heart she wishes he had married her…that is why I always get this second in line vibe from her. I feel like the runner up for her heart. She could not have what she really wanted so I was there and I will do. But I know I am not what she really wanted. She says she loves me but has never ever said she loves me more than she did him and I think the reality is that she did love him more than she loves me.

    This helps me so much to talk about it. Never opened up like this before to anyone. There is literally no-one else in the world that I would share this with….perhaps it is the anonimity – not sure – but I do know it helps me immensely to just share it with someone else and see the world through other peoples intimate experiences.

    It has been very hard these past 40 years just bottling everything up. Sometimes I would just go out in the car at night and talk to the stars hoping to get a response. The stars don’t say much.

    I come down here to the computer first thing in the morning and last thing at night to see what you both have written. I look forward to it very much. Feel like I could go down the pub for a beer as I think I know more about the two of you than most of my friends.

    So bye for now. Thanks so much for taking the time to write. It means such a lot to me.


  347. J says:

    Hey Malcolm, Yea I kind of feel a little crappy now. I knew I would eventually, I just knew it would catch up with me. I know my wife has zero interest in me sexually at this point. I am 100 percent certain she has never desired me anywhere near the amount she desired this creep who used her. Maybe she used him too. But the way she kissed me today I have never been kissed like that from her since I’ve known her.

    I know for certain now that she has been holding back very much so and that she is a very sexual person but up until 6 months ago I was oblivious to it. I guess I am a fool.

    I am sorry to hear you only got 2 BJs ever Malcolm. That is cruel, I think you are very deprived by your wife just like I am but at least my sorry arse gets a bj at least once a year most years.

    I think you are being used Malcolm, I hate to say it. She is probably not good enough for you and I feel bad you did not have access too many woman because I feel you may have settled for the first thing that came along.

    I also think that you should just stay with her at this point. I think you are too hooked now and that without her just like I you would be lost. I think we are both screwed buddy. We are too old to start over and find a 50 and 40 year old virgin that would adore us the way we wanted to be adored anyway and any woman we were to hook up with now would probably had done far worse with a heck of a lot more guys than our wives have. We probably wouldn’t like the selection we would attract these days also, at least I know I wouldn’t because I doubt at my current weight I could attract a woman anywhere near as beautiful as my wife is now and I am very picky to boot. So I would suggest just stick it out even though I feel like you are getting used just like myself.

    Oh let me say this before I forget. I am a walmart type of guy too. I never felt the urge to dress up or impress anyone Malcolm. I have a very basic wardrobe and when I say basic I mean I have about 5 pairs of pants and about 7 shirts, lol, not kidding. In fact it’s funny one time my family members where going through pictures of me and they noticed I was wearing the same outfit in every holiday picture we had going back like 5 years, lol. It was and still is a great laugh for everyone and they always get a huge laugh out of it when ever someone brings it up.

    Anyway back to the matter at hand. I am feeling like you Malcolm, I am number 2, no question at least in the “getting my hot wife to act like a slut” category. Sorry for the crudeness of that statement just feeling low right now and wanted to say it like that to express my current feelings.

    I was feeling good all day but I knew I was kidding myself. No matter what I do I know I am never going to get rid of this pain. There are times at work where I start thinking of her and I just start crying out of the blue. I quickly cover it up so no co-workers see me but it just comes out of nowhere sometimes. I feel like I am sleep walking most of the time and nothing really matters anymore ad I was such a happy guy.

    Those days are long gone. I can’t look at her the same no matter what I do, and she feels it too. She says I just look at her as a sexual object now. I feel bad but I can’t control what I feel. I want so bad to make her feel good and happy but when I look at her I just see someone that deprived me a deepthroat BJs and great sex for all these years while knowing full well she did it to someone other than me before.

    Nothing is the same. I am a huge fantasy football guy. I used to live for it. When I found out all this stuff it was mid October right in the middle of the football season and I just lost my lust for it. Nothing feels good anymore. I was a huge movie buff but now a days I can’t hold my attention enough to get through a whole movie. I don’t care to do anything fun anymore. I am really in a rut and I just feel like I am flying blind all the time. I can’t figure this out and it is weakening me. I know I am not the same guy I was 6 months ago and I miss that guy. I hate waking up, I really hate working, I can focus at work and my performance is really starting to suffer and I feel bad about that but I just can’t get my head out of the gutter. I have not had a vacation in four years but honestly I don’t even want one. I just want to sleep. I feel like I need to move on sometimes, then I feel desperately in love with and then back and fourth. back and fourth it goes on and on.

    I feel I am never going to figure this out and yet I have always felt like I was a psychology expert as all my friends would come to me for advice and I always would say the right thing, and I could always figure myself out when I had a problem in the past. This one is a doozy though I will tell you. I am very glad we can talk though sometimes I wish she could read these posts but I know she would flip out to know I was airing our business.

    Have a nice night Malcolm and harmony

  348. Lightpost says:

    We are so much alike in so many ways J, Yes I know I am being used, that is obvious to me now and I think you are also very accurate in saying that I took the first girl that came along. I went against all the advice I was offered by people I knew to not take somebody on the rebound. My Dad even said as much. But like I said, love is blind. But I did feel so bad for her. I remember on our second date I went up to her Mom and Dads apartment and she was not ready yet so her Dad came to the door and said to me just before she came out “Take care of her Son. Treat her gently – she has been through a lot.” I never forgot that…it was the one and only time I ever saw that man cry. Her Dad and I got along really well. He passed away several years ago but I never really got the opportunity to talk to him about what went on before. I know it was devastating for her and I think that is part of why she will not talk to me about things.

    But I am certain in my heart that she will never (can never) have the same feelings for me as she had for him.

    You know J, I am one of those guys that can fix anything…make anything happen and I quite enjoy being able to do that. It’s not since I have wealth either – I was the guy that fixed the cars and the bikes and made things work the way they were supposed to. It is part of who I am and I have always done that. When I heard of what had happened to her I set out to try and repair the damage to her heart by showing her that there was someone out there who really cared for her and was true to their word. I have done that for over 40 years now. But looking back over the years I think that is part of my agony. Try as I may I do not know how to fix this. I have tried everything I know.

    The psychologist say that I have to let go of the past but it is not my past to let go of…it’s hers and for some reason I just cannot do it.

    I think what we need to do is find some way to leave history where it is…in the past… and move on with the future. That is what Harmony suggested and she is right….it’s the only way out of this mess we are in. None of us can turn back the clock. Neither can we be the people we were then. We are trying to do what is not possible. I cannot bring back my wife’s virginity, I cannot erase the memories of her past, Harmony cannot bring back her husbands virginity and she cannot erase the memories of his past. You cannot change what your wife did or erase her memories of it.

    I think what we have to do (because there is no other viable option) is to forgive them for what they did and forget. I know that is extremely difficult to do and I do not know how I can bring myself to forgive her or forget what she did. All I can do is try.

    Thinking about things often brings me to tears too J. Often at work things will just overwhelm me. This is all fairly new to you…only 6 months into it. This has been going on for me for 40 years.

    Looking back I so wished I had more experience with women before I met her. You had a sister which I think helped you alot since sisters bring their friends around. I never had any association with girls…all boys school…..all boys at home. So very naiive. It’s a wonder I didn’t turn out gay….which I am not.

    At least J you can look back on your experiences with girls with some sense of satisfaction. I have none to look back on – just a blank sheet except for my wife.

    Looking back I do feel that had I known more girls would likely not have continued the relationship once I found out she was not a virgin. It would have been painful but not as bad as the pain I have inflicted on myself for accepting it.

    On the other hand what we create out of those ashes was a beautiful family. Perhaps I should just be grateful for that and move on….but Jeez that so so hard to do.

    All the best J and Harmony and thanks for listening to my ramblings once again. Also if there is anyone else reading this that does not want to post I would be so grateful if you would please. Your experiences and perspective would be incredibly valuable to me and all the others here. We are writing because we are in pain but it really does help to just write about it.

  349. Harmony says:


    Great to know you are on the way to recovery.
    It is also good that you are able to express your feelings and all the truths here so we don’t bottle up forever and may save our overall well being.
    You were also asking about why a women may hold back their feelings? We women are at most times very emotional. When we have many issues, especially unresolved issues, we will hold back. I have a feeling that your wife may feel something that she couldn’t explain. Maybe she knows a little about your past but choose not to talk about it. So it is great that you both are opening up now. Road to success.

    Btw, sorry, I haven’t seen your views/thoughts about my earlier questions. Probably must have missed it. Can I ask again? What are your thoughts about having your past ‘acts’ while a little drunk? Were the experiences better while a little drunk? More satisfying?
    Sorry for asking because I think you are the only person here who can tell as there are no one else responding on this site besides Malcolm.


    I can really understand your pain as we are almost in the same situation. We cannot undo what has happened. The only way I see, is to just carry on from here. Usually, when I get really down, I will tell myself that every married couple/family will have their own problems and they could be the same or even bigger…so this helps me fight off that negative feelings.

    I hope that you Malcolm, J, myself and everyone having this problem can come out of it successfully, real soon.
    Thank you guys.

  350. J says:

    Malcolm, I think I made a little progress into both our situations.

    I think the physiologist in me has awoken finally and I have started to figure out what is going on. I think there are a few things going on in our heads.

    First, we are not clinically depressed or anything like that, I think the reason we are both so depressed is not because of jealousy so much but rather we both are just grieving, yes it could be that simple let me explain.

    Greif is a powerful emotion that can last a very long time if you don’t address it or even know it is there. I am grieving over the wife I thought I had, the one I thought loved me more than anyone and now have lost. It is like she died and now I have this OTHER woman whom looks like my old wife and still acts like my old wife and whom I still love like my old wife, BUT whom I am not IN LOVE with her like I was with my old wife, the one that I THOUGHT chose me first over every one else. In time I may fall IN LOVE with this new woman, and God willing I will, but for now this what I got my second choice so to speak.

    You are grieving too, I believe. You are grieving the “Virgin Wife” you so desperately wanted and were supposed to marry. The woman you dreamt of all your life. She was out there but she passed away when you married this woman whom you also loved but not like that. But the difference is, and you say you are her second choice, well I got news for you Malcolm, she was your second choice too!

    It sounds a little weird but your first choice was a virgin that would sweep you off your feet but that didn’t happen and since you were unable to find that when this woman came around you decided to settle for her. Maybe you felt a strong love, maybe it was because you were naïve and did marry the first girl that made you feel good because you thought you wouldn’t find anyone else like that, inside even though she was clearly not what you wanted, a virgin, you decided to settle. So she was in reality your second choice, how is that for ironic.

    I think you have been grieving all this time buddy, it make sense because grief lasts that long if it is undetected. I think you need to ley that virgin wife that died so many years ago finally to rest and start excepting this woman who you are with as your second best option on the planet and that isn’t bad. Let your romantic side grieve over the loss of that beautiful virgin wife you were in love with as a young man and whom you should have married and realize that your a lucky guy to have found your second best option in the whole world. Maybe you can relate to your wife a little more too now and realize she may adore you too even though you were not her first choice. And realize that being second best is not all that bad. It’s better than third place.

    Anyway, what do you think does that make any sense.

    Harmony I am running late I will get to your question when I get home later.


  351. J says:

    Harmony, I was asking you why a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she loves. Honestly, she kissed me yesterday like she never has before and then told me I should see what she can do to a penis. I was floored but turned on also. This after 25 years, I hear this now, lol.

    My question to you is. If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying. And if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then. Can you explain any scenarios where that could be possible or not possible.

    Also to answer your question “What are your thoughts about having your past ‘acts’ while a little drunk? Were the experiences better while a little drunk? More satisfying?”

    Being drunk just makes you braver to do thing you wouldn’t do while sober that is the only reason it would be better because you feel a little more free to enjoy it. Drunk can also make you forget it easier too. Drunk can make you not perform as well either. I would say if you are a little drunk like you asked then that that would be better. A little buzz on while having sex is great.

    Any kind of buzz while having sex is better. I actually forget to tell you guys this one but my wife told me the first night she was with super penis he made her take ecstasy which she said was amazing. I have heard having sex while on ecstasy was just plain increasable from friends of mine. Off course I did some researching after she told me that wonderful little tid bit of information. So not only was my wife getting banged by super dick and coming all over the place but she was on E while it was happening lolol and I really am laughing over here because it is just to funny, good thing I am strong, thank God!

    Have a great day guys, head up!

  352. Jasmine says:

    This article and comments definitely helped me in many ways. I am married almost 2years now..i was 29 and my husband 34 when we met so obviously there has to be a past. I asked him when we met and he told me he wasn’t a virgin and I accepted it. after our baby was born and little arguments we had, I started to think deep about his past as he told me he had intimate relationships with 2 different women. it was haunting me and I was so jealous. I could not overcome the way I feel because he touched other women and had sex with them meaning he had to see everything. I couldn’t bear it and still cannot..i cannot change what had happened, however last night I spoke to him about it and told him it is troubling me and I need to find out exactly what happened. he was not happy to talk about his past and said to leave it as he is ashamed of it but he could see I needed closure and so he answered every question I asked. he was 22 when had sex with a 22year old from college and that was because he was naïve and only once and she left him afterwards saying the weren’t compatible.. then he had other girlfriends but nothing happened sexually, and at age 32 he met a chubby girl through a friend and they dated for 3months and had sex only once and he said if it makes me feel better it only last 2minutes and few weeks after that she also told him they not compatible.he says most of girls just used him. he assured me that I am more beautiful/sexy then both of them and that I am best ever. I don’t know how much more good stuff I want to hear about me but I also asked him did the chubby girl ride him and he said yes and it wasn’t nice.i am so jealous as he had to see her naked, was she beautiful for him to want to be in her.. but somehow now I do feel a little better but I cannot accept that he could be intimate with people he never even loved or had an intention of marriage with. it is scary thinking you can give yourself in that way to someone you don’t even care aboutand vice versa. like those girls can have sex and just move on. where are the values and appreciation. he said he never loved them.. first one was infatuation and second one was a spur of the moment and both times he used protection. Am I driving myself crazy thinking more about his past???? I wonder if he actually had feelings for them and if he was attracted to have done that act???


    April 16, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Confused Girl I feel exactly the same about my husband and his past women he has been with, I feel disgusted and dirty because of his actions :( yet I love my husband.

  353. Lightpost says:

    Thank you Jasmine and Harmony. And J…you should be a psychologist. I think you hit the nail right on the head. I knew it was not jealousy I was feeling but it is very much a sense of loss – of grief. I had never looked at it that way before but that is exactly how I feel.

    Jasmine, All of us here know exactly how you are feeling. If you have read my earlier posts one of the things that haunts me is knowing my wife was having regular sex with another guy. She was to be married to him and I suppose she thought it was OK until he dumped her two weeks before their wedding day. It has haunted me for over 40 years…sounds crazy doesn’t it…but it is the truth. Time does not make this any easier. Mental pictures and videos appear in my mind at the slightest possible trigger. A word, a movie title and even….don’t laugh….advertisments for Virgin Atantic. All set off these thouights in my mind. Until now I had not shared these thoughts with anyone else. I had no-one to talk to. Getting all this off my chest has been so good for me. I still have thoughts of him emptying inside her and I know he took her virginity and I think she took his. I am also sure that she loved him in a way she can never love me.

    In my opinion I don’t think you can have sex with anyone without having some emotional attachments to them. I certainly am not capable of doing that. Many men say that they can but I just do not believe it. It is good that your husband has at least told you the details. My wife just will not talk about her past. When we were dating she did tell me a few things but I would like her to tell me more of what happened…why he dumped her…how/where she lost her virginity…but all I get is it is nothing to do with me and before my time. So it is a really good thing that he is open about it. At 34 you already were fairly sure he had a past…my wife was 17 when we met and I thought she had saved herself for her wedding night. she had not and that atomic bomb is still exploding inside my head. It is such an awful feeling knowing that the one you love has been with others. Sometimes it makes me feel dirty. When we have sex I will lose an erection just with the fleeting thought that he was in her before me.

    I know exactly the emotions you are feeling…it ruins your sex drive doesn’t it.

    I agree it is scary Jasmine that people will have sex with others without any intention of marrying them. I cannot do that. But in a sex saturated society we could hardly expect anything else….but it does not make it right or any more palatable.

    I did save my self for the one I fell in love with…the irony is the one I fell in love with did not save herself for me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I will never get over it so I just have to find a way to live with it. I have done for the past 40 years by burying myself in work but it always hurts to think about it.

    Just talking about things really helps Jasmine. J. here has had many sexual partners (12) and can give you the man’s perspective on whether you can have any feelings for women you have sex with. I can only tell you that I cannot do that.

    Harmony is in much the same boat as me but you have much in common with her also. I think the problem is that we dearly want to change the past of our partners but that is the very thing we cannot do. You are very fortunate your husband does want to talk about it although it is a two edged sword since the more you know the more there is to think about and since you were not there you imagine possibly more than what actually happened. As I have realised more and more here…the clock of life only goes one way.

    But if it is any consolation Jasmine and confused girl all of us know your feelings all to well.

    Thank you for writing. Just knowing that there are others out there means so much to me.

  354. Harmony says:

    Yes J, I also agree with Malcolm. Your philosophy is just perfect. I agree that it is not so much of jealousy but more of grieve. For some, the grieve last for a short time but for others, it take years..
    Thank-you for your explanation to my questions. I need to know to understand them better. I really appreciate it, J.

    As to your question..why would she hold back sexually? There are few possibilities. (Based on what I think which could be wrong)
    1) She is holding back not because she wants to hold back but for the fact that the libido has dropped. This can happen for many reasons like age, lack of energy, stress at work, reaching menopause etc.. (Only she will know)

    2) She is holding back because she is afraid about getting pregnant. I’ve heard of women who are avoiding intimacy for that one fear.

    3) She could be somewhat like me. Unresolved issues. She somehow knew that you had a past and you are not telling her so therefore she is affected by it and not talking about it. She is keeping it deep inside herself and therefore will affect her desires to be close and affectionate with you. However, yet she loves you and will not do anything to jeopardise the marriage.

    Have sometime to think about what I have lay out above. Still, don’t agree totally. She is the only one who knows exactly.

  355. Harmony says:

    Hi Jasmine,

    I totally understand and for your questions, I think only J can help give his perspectives. Let us all here help one another so that we can get over real quick.
    Best Wishes from me.

    Malcolm & J,
    Thank-you for being responsive. I never knew that this site/type of forum existed and now I felt somewhat uplifted just by seeing that there are people responding to me. That 2 way communication thing. I’m glad to know both of you. Thank-you again.

  356. Lightpost says:

    Harmony, For many, many years I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts and feelings. It is an awful predicament to find yourself in and I had not realised until recently how deeply it has affected me on a psychological level. It is only now that I have realised that the reason for working hard all these years was really a mental escape hatch for me. To a large extent it has shaped my whole life since we met.

    Sharing my thoughts with all of you here has been pure magic for me. While I still have the same feelings I am finding that they are less painful to me knowing that there are others with pain of their own and I am not alone. It was that feeling of loneliness and isolation that really made me so depressed and fed up with life.

    In my heart and soul I wish your pain would go away as I wish mine would go away. I love my wife and she means so much to me that I could never leave or even cheat on her. I am not sure what good cheating would do – but to my shame – I have thought about it many times. I suspect all it would do would make me feel that I have had another like she did…..but that would likely only hurt me as I could never tell her. Even the score so to speak. I must be honest and say that the thought of some kind of retaliation by having sex with another woman for the pain she has caused me crosses my mind sometimes…as awful as it is to say that. Trouble is I think all it would do would make me feel guilty.

    What J said is so accurate though. I do feel a sense of grief, a sense of losing something so precious to us. The jealousy part of it is not a jealousy of her sexual past it is really a sense that the other guy took what should have been ours to share not theirs to share. I think you feel that aswell Harmony. Your husband gave away something that was so precious to you with not so much as a second thought.

    I honestly do not buy this argument that it “means nothing”. I think sex with any person means something as the joining of the physical body must be accompanied by a joining of emotions. Making light of it by glossing it over as if you were just paying the gas bill does not ring true to me. My wife says something like “well it happened before you and its was nothing to do with you” also makes light of the profound effect this has had on me. It hurts so much that I can convince my self sometimes that she does not really love me.

  357. J says:

    Hello Jasmine,

    I think you may be going through what I researched to be a territorial threat. I would explain it like this. Although in reality these woman pose no threat to you because they are ghosts,in your mind or I should say your sub-conscious mind they pose a threat that one of them may steal your mate. It is biological and goes back to the prehistoric days of protecting what is yours.

    The thought of these woman is triggering your biological alarm saying there is a threat when in reality there is no threat at all. Hope that helps. It’s funny I ma starting to feel like Harmony. I feel like I am now a councilor but in actuality I am very much in pain myself, lol.

    This board has very much been a place of peace for me and Malcolm and harmony and we have been doing s great job of helping each other understand our feelings better. Hope this helps and nice to meet you.

  358. Lightpost says:

    Jasmine, It really has helped me alot just talking to others about what I feel. These are such delicate subjects that I have never spoken about to anyone…not even my wife. She would probably laugh at me if she knew my deepest emotions about her past. She seems to be able to just shut the door on it and move on…but then she knows what she did in her past and I do not. J could be right on the biological thing – there may even be an element of that in my case too…. but I think the emotions go deeper. Reading between the lines I am assuming that he was your first and you were his third…which is much the same as my situation. It is not easy to accept is it?

    I have tried so hard to find ways to forgive what she did or at least justify why but all roads lead to the same junction…she lost her virginity to someone she loved before me and that is irreversible.

    Since we cannot turn back time there is really only one solution and that is to accept it for what it is and move on.

    And that is no easy thing to do. But by writing here and listening to all the different aspects of things from different points of view and ideas I am starting to feel better. But the thoughts are not likely to go any time soon so I try to avoid any possible things that would trigger them. Do not watch any TV now….to much sex and violence. Only watch comedies at the movies. Never read books except ones that I know have no sexual encounters in them and so on. All the things my wife likes to i8nduloge in I do not participate because I just cannot.

    All the best and write soon. Your thoughts and experiences about this very delicate subject are very welcome here.


  359. A very jealous person says:

    Thank you so much for this article… it has helped me so much just from reading it and has soothed me greatly and it’s a comfort to know I’m not the only one who renders myself sick with jealousy. Thank you.

  360. Lightpost says:

    Hi Very Jealous Person.I find – at least in my case – that it is not so much jealousy but a huge sense of loss…regret…maybe grief. I struggle with it every day…and have done for 40 years. The pain has not diminished in all the years I have known my wife. I love her so much but I cannot talk to her about my feelings and until I found this website…especially this article…I could not talk about my feelings to anyone. I too am surprised at how many people are suffering the same as me. While I feel their pain it is some comfort to me knowing that I am not the only one with these feelings and the heartache that accompanies them.
    Thank you for writing. I hope we can help each other find a way out.

  361. Jasmine says:

    Thank you everyone for the response… advice and counselling tips lol..atleast we know we are normal to feel the way we doo… I am trying to forget the past and move forward.. someone told me that when wee have something good then the devil will play with our minds to destroy it… so as hard as it is.. I still love my husband and yes I do feel it is a territorial threat..and I am still very jealous..but what to do…life caries on…. its what we make of it… lets be happy and fight the devil…

  362. Jasmine says:

    another thing is. it is the husband told me , after I questioned him, that I am making it seem like he had an affair.. and he is not that type.. he is with me now… and would never do anything intimate with another women ever…and he wouldn’t like to see another man intimate with me…

  363. Jasmine says:

    another thing is we shouldn’t grill our partners for answers.. it was before our time.. I got to find out the girls names and now I try to find them on facebook and linkdin.. its sick and I can never find them cos so many girls with similar names.. we only hurting ourselves more and losing out on what we have with our partners>>> nothing can change the past but it up to us to change the future

  364. J says:

    Jasmine I have a question for you. I would like a woman’s point of view even though Harmony answered me I would like your thoughts on this too. I recently found out that my has done some things in her past to a guy that are off limits to me. I also found out he had a bigger you know what than me and I was wondering truthfully if that could be the reason she was more into him to do more sexual things than she has been with me or what could be the reason.

    Also I’d like to ask why a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she says she loves when she had no problem letting it flow and giving this other guy what ever he wanted to do with her with a guy she claims was just a fling. Is she lying could she have been in love with him. Was I just second best. These are all the thoughts in my head and please answer as honest as you can. Please don’t sugar coat it.

    My question to you is. If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying. And if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then. Can you explain any scenarios where that could be possible or not possible.

  365. Brokenman says:

    Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your journey and heartache.

    I share all of Jasmine’s sentiments and believe learning to let go of the past is crucial for all of us. In reality, today is what matters and the future is what we make of it. For most of us though, I think the key is to find a way to let go of our thoughts over the past once and for all, so we can avoid being stuck in a pit of seemingly endless heartache.

    I also agree with Lightpost …that our experiences are now of almost epidemic proportions, where so many good hearted and well intending people can be destined to suffer deep misery in their hearts for much of their lives. But it is important will all have hope…

    I have been living with my wife for nearly 27 years – married for about 18 years. I love her very deeply and in our time together as a couple, she has been the most loyal and wonderful person I could ever have hoped to be with.

    But as with Lightpost, I have felt a deep sense of grief over my 27 years to date over her sexual past. I think we can each benefit from sharing and understanding our respective journeys. I decided to write my story here in the hope that it may help someone else. Here it is …

    Prior to my current wife, I had been in a 3 year relationship during my university years, which first became sexually intimate after about 9 months of courtship. We were both virgins and 19yo at the time. From my point of view, I was going to marry her, so I regarded her as my wife. We had become engaged to be married. She was a very beautiful lady and we had a wonderful relationship and planned our future together. The only barrier was the fact that her family wanted her to marry a Greek man (and I am not). A few years into our relationship, I accidentally discovered her in the arms of another man on our university campus. This was like a thunderbolt to my heart – it absolutely killed me and came totally unexpectedly. A few weeks went by and then she approached me and asked for forgiveness and re-committed to our relationship. My values are founded on Christian principles of forgiveness and I loved her, so I forgave her. But within a few months, she became involved with another man again and this time around ended our relationship. I would have married her had she not left me for another man. I was completely devastated and heartbroken. For several years, I could not get involved with another woman as my heart had been shattered by this first relationship. Amazingly, my first love telephoned my parents home well over a decade later to wish me a happy birthday, but I never got to speak to her, so maybe there were some subsequent regrets on her part, but I’ll never know. My current wife was my next relationship, which was started approx 3 years after my first relationship ended.

    I first met my current wife at our place of work a few months before Christmas. She was working in a separate office located in a different city, but had made a visit to our local office. I fell in love with her at first sight. This was very unusual for me, but for some reason, I felt in my heart she was the special one for me.
    In the first few weeks, we didn’t get much chance to spend much time with one another, as she worked in a different team and mostly in a different city. I travelled to her office from time to time and we did share some happy times together, but always in group situations, so I never had a chance to share my deep feelings for her with her directly. She was very flirty with me and I was totally head over heels in love with her and I believed she shared a deep attraction to me too. I learned during this time that she had been recently divorced. I never imagined that I would fall for a divorcee, but I came to accept this had happened and didn’t let this get in the way at all. To me, this was broadly similar to my own background, even though I hadn’t actually been married.

    I planned to share my feelings for her and thought the upcoming office Christmas Party would be a good opportunity to do so. Nearer the office Christmas Party date, the company we worked for insisted that only local office staff could attend, so I could not go to her office party. On the night of the Christmas Party, I awoke from my sleep in the middle of the night from a horrible nightmare that she was with another man. I remember being in a big sweat and that my heart was racing at the time, but I dismissed it as just a dream and went back to sleep.

    The next work day after her office party, there had been rumours about how she hooked up with some guy (who was visiting from overseas) at the Party. When I heard this, it broke my heart and I remembered my nightmare. But because the office had many false rumours, I decided to dismiss and defend her reputation to colleagues in the office.

    My next opportunity to be with her and express my feelings to her wouldn’t be until after the New Year – late January to be more precise, when I was working in her office. This was the first time we had secluded time alone and I asked her if she had a boyfriend and to my relief at the time, she said no. This assured me somewhat that my biggest fears were likely unfounded. I remember kissing her then and I had felt that all her previous flirtations with me had been what I thought they were – genuine and heartfelt attraction to one another.

    For the record, we were each 25 at the time. Our relationship moved quickly from there and she decided to move out of her apartment and completely relocate to be with me in my city. We were very much in love and wanted to build a committed future together.

    My heart still ached at the possibility that she may have become involved with another man at the office Christmas Party and I wanted to approach this delicate matter with her. I knew I would find out the truth, as honesty is something I knew we each valued greatly. A few weeks into our blossoming relationship, the opportunity arose and I asked her directly about it.

    To my shock and horror, she revealed that she ended up having unprotected sex with this guy that same Christmas Party night. She told me she had more casual sex encounters with him before he finished his stay and left to go back overseas in January. I also learned that before this man (and after we had first met), she had casual unprotected sex encounters with another man (who I knew) from my office. I also learned that before we met, she had sex with yet another man who also now worked in my office.

    She told me how deeply ashamed she was of her conduct and that she knew it was completely wrong. She told me that her divorce was driven by violent treatment by her first husband (who also took her virginity), but that her family and friends had made her feel very ashamed over her divorce and that she had extremely low self-esteem and that this feeling lead her to disrespect herself and behave accordingly. She told me she had started drinking heavily and was yearning for companionship and that sex with those men meant absolutely nothing to her. She told me that her mind was screwed up and that yielding to their request for sex was necessary to have any hope of building a relationship, but that she soon discovered that each one was just using her for sex.

    She begged for my forgiveness and claimed that although she liked me after we had first met, that she was aware that many girls in the office had feelings for me and that she didn’t think she personally stood any chance. That was crazy, as she was stunningly beautiful. She asked that I try to understand that in her mind at the time, her experiences lead her to believe that a sincere man like she had now discovered in me simply didn’t exist in this world and that she would do anything in the world to change her past and her way of thinking back then, but that she could not, but would do everything possible to change her future and was so thankful that I had given her a chance to become part of my life.

    At this point, I realised that my perception of her moral values when I first met and fell in love with her was in fact very different to reality. I was perhaps blinded by the fact that I knew she was also academically quite gifted – it simply didn’t add up to me that such a beautiful and exceptionally smart person could end up allowing herself to be disrespected in that way.

    Upon learning all of this from her, I was completely devastated. I felt a part of me had died that day (and after 27 years, I still do). Foolishly, I had given my heart fully and completely to her after we first met, without ever really knowing her at all. At the time I learned all this, I was so deeply in love with her that I could not imagine my life without her and nor could she imagine life without me. We seemed perfect for each other in every way – except our sexual past and approach to forming relationships.

    Over our 27 years together, we have had a fantastic sex life. She reassures me that she has absolutely no recollection of any of her past lovers and I am the one and only in her heart and mind. She tells me that although she cannot remember any of her past, I am the only one she has ever experienced an orgasm with. It is hard for me to understand, as my own memories are quite clear, but I do believe she is being honest and sincere.

    But there hasn’t been a day in our 27 years together that I have not been tormented in some way over her sexual past. The thought of another man just using my wife’s body for his pleasure and the casual nature of it all has been absolutely sickening to me. It is like having a porn movie of my wife replaying on my mind each and every day – and my heart aches deeply over it.

    When dealing with this type of situation, many psychologist sites suggest to accept that this all happened before you met her. In my case, however, some of it did, but what hurts me the most is what happened in that short period after I first met her, but before we started our intimate relationship. To me, it was all so unexpected, unnecessary, hurtful and completely avoidable. But it happened and nothing can change that. And I either had to accept it, or end our relationship.

    Her regret was so deep, she voluntarily committed to completely transforming herself. She immediately stopped all her bad habits (eg drinking and smoking) and went through a rigorous process to have her first marriage annulled by the Catholic Church. I was Catholic, but this is not something I required in any way. It’s something she wanted to do, to give us the option to marry in a Catholic Church, if we wanted to (which we didn’t end up doing anyway). It’s almost like she wanted to prove to me how different a person she wanted to be.

    She also pursued further Christian studies and developed a deep Christian faith and tells me she knows God has forgiven her for her past mistakes. She left her previous high paying career and with my encouragement and support, qualified as a school teacher. She is now a full-time secondary teacher and is driven by a want to see children develop into the best people they can be and has a true gift for doing this.

    After living with one another for about 9 years, we decided to plan a family and marry. She has been without doubt the most loyal, kind, caring wife and mother I could ever have hoped for. We have two wonderful children and live a wholesome life. We have a great sex life and she repeatedly reassures me that I am her one and only and that she has absolutely no recollection of any of her past.

    But my heartache, grief and sense of loss over her past sexual transgressions of 27+ years ago never subsides. I feel I have personally paid a very big price. I have had to move my family to a new part of the country, simply to avoid reminders of her past. Each Christmas is a very difficult time for me, because of the painful memories of that office Christmas Party. I was previously very successful in my career, but had to leave senior high paying career positions and forgo what otherwise would have been a very lucrative career simply to avoid bumping into her past lovers and the consequential pain that would bring. I too can’t stand to watch certain movies and TV shows. Over time, it has made me depressed and in need of medication and psychological counselling to cope. It’s been a very big price to pay.

    As with many people who have posted here, I am still learning how to cope with this.

    If you are looking for encouragement and healing as I have been, I recently came across some short videos on a website called intouch(dot)org which I found to be insightful and quite helpful in my process of healing and the videos you can find there may possibly help you too. Medication and counselling aside, I still draw most of my strength from my faith which endures to this day, but which I concede was greatly tested by these events.

    I hope and pray that everyone here will find a way out of the pain and suffering. May God bless you all.

  366. J says:

    Jasmine and any other woman out there. I have a question for you. I would like a woman’s point of view even though Harmony answered me I would like your thoughts on this too. I recently found out that my has done some things in her past to a guy that are off limits to me. I also found out he had a bigger you know what than me and I was wondering truthfully if that could be the reason she was more into him to do more sexual things than she has been with me or what could be the reason.

    Also I’d like to ask why a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she says she loves when she had no problem letting it flow and giving this other guy what ever he wanted to do with her with a guy she claims was just a fling. Is she lying could she have been in love with him. Was I just second best. These are all the thoughts in my head and please answer as honest as you can. Please don’t sugar coat it.

    My question to you is. If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying. And if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then. Can you explain any scenarios where that could be possible or not possible.

  367. Lightpost says:

    Thanks for your post Brokenman. While your story is a little different than mine there are many, many similarities. As I read it I could feel your pain…it is much the same as mine and I can deeply appreciate what you are going through. My story is set out above here in numerous posts so you can read the sorry tale to help you understand me a little better if you would like. The same feeling of having porn videos playing in my head and my wife with another man have haunted me for 40 years. In one of my earlier posts I had mentioned that these thoughts cause me to instantly lose interest in sex with her. Just a fleeting thought (not intending to be crude here) but my erection will disappear.
    From the very little my wife tells me about her former relationship (which is remarkably little) – she has made a similar comment that she did not enjoy sex with him and just did it to please. To be honest I just don’t buy that and I am convinced that most women say it to make their current partner feel better. The hard truth is that my wife and probably yours wanted sex as much as the guys they went with. Women are very skilled at hiding their sexual desires but get horny just as much as men do. Of course there are limited outward signs for women. I think they do genuinely believe saying words like “it meant nothing” “I didn’t enjoy it” or similar phrases make you feel better. My wife has used all too similar words. I have come to the hard realisation that my wife did enjoy sex with her former partner and unfortunately much as I dislike saying it…very likely yours did too.
    I also moved away from all my wife’s old haunts for exactly the same reasons as you did…actually to a different country…..but in my case it led to some wonderful opportunities and was not negative at all.
    Of course I do not know your wife and I am sure she is a lovely person and wishes she could turn back the clock which, of course, none of us can do. I do wonder though whether perhaps she feels the same about your sexual past. My wife also makes the statement that it was all before me and therefore nothing to do with me. It is the reason she gives for not talking about it. But I also know that this time in her life was extraordinarily painful – her fiance broke off the marriage two weeks before they were due to be wed. She had to take back her wedding dress. I try so very hard to see her side of it and I do know it hurts her to discuss things which is why I have learned not to push her to places she does not want to go. She was so lost and lonely when I met her and I felt I could ease her pain and show her that not all men were like that.

    But it has cost me dearly. Emotionally I am a train wreck – I have been for 40 years and it does not get any easier. On the one hand here is the woman of my dreams that I love with all of my heart and on the other hand she has a sexual past with another man who took her virginity and everything else. I could easily have used “BrokenMan” as my nom de plume because I am a broken man.

    As far as I can see there is no way out but to accept it for what it is. If only women (and men) knew the damage they cause by their actions. As I have noted here before I was very very naiive about sexual matters…even at the age of 25 when I met her. I honestly thought that everyone waited until marriage to have sex and I really expected her to be a virgin. The repercussions of that atomic bombshell are still reverberating 40 years later.

    I think both you and I have to accept the fact that our wives had sex because they wanted to and that they enjoyed it just as much and maybe more so than they enjoy it with us. Despite their protestations to the contrary I think that is the real truth of the matter.

  368. Lightpost says:

    Jasmine, Thank you for posting earlier. I have much the same view as yourself. We want so badly to be able to turn back time but that is the very thing we cannot do and that is why this hurts so much. My wife says that very same thing to me…that she was not unfaithful to me and never would be and all this was before she met me.

    It is true, of course, but that does not make it any easier at least not for me. I still feel cheated. She had my virginity I did not have hers and that is the way it will always be. I have the choice of staying or leaving as I always have. For 40 years I have made the choice to stay…there really is no other choice as it is not like I do not love her. I am still crazy about her. But how to overcome these awful thoughts that I have is excrutiatingly painful. The Devil is definitely involved here somwehere.
    I have tried everything that I know of and just cannot shake loose of it. The only relief I have is writing on this blog which has been a godsend to me. Maybe a religious approach of forgiveness as Shina notes above is of some benefit but I don’t really have anything to forgive her for. It sounds strange to say that but I don’t.

    What I feel as J has said here before is a sense of loss or grief. That’s the most accurate description of it.

    Another part of it is I felt I played by all the rules…saved myself for the one I love only to find that I was the only one who had a copy of the rules and everyone else was playing by their own set.

    Life goes on I guess. It cannot do anything else. Thanks all for writing and making my life a little more bearable.

  369. Lightpost says:

    J, while I cannot give you a womans perspective it does not seem logical to me that you can have sex with no love at all. I have heard all the arguments that you can but I do not buy that at all. I know I certainly cannot. I think you have to face facts that she had sex with him and she loved him. It is a bitter pill – but I think it is the sad truth.

  370. J says:

    Hey Malcolm, there you are I was starting to worry about you. Yea I know you’re right. Everything adds up. I remember back then when she was seeing him and I was trying to get her to come back to me. She would tell me all the things she would do to him and she would say stuff like I let him sweat on me. That was something she would never let me do, if I was too sweaty she would tell me to get off or she would say “don’t sweat on me”.

    Anyway she has said that was a tough time for her. So I deduced it to 3 possibilities of why it was a tough time for her.

    1. Since I cheated on her and she claimed that she was with him and wouldn’t come back to me for three months because she wanted me to pay the price for hurting her that she was upset about me and loved me and was only sleeping with him to get even with me.

    2. She was just really into the sex with him because she kept going to see him even after I made it clear I was in love with and wanted to marry her, keep in mind she told me he was way better in bed than me and had a big willie and it is true that I know now, so she may have felt bad about herself for just having sex and being a bad girl, that is possibility number 2.

    or 3. She was head over heals in love with him. My wife is very vain and he was super hot so this is the very likeliest scenario, and the one that hurts the most. Because I think near the end of their relationship she was starting to realize that this guy was just using her to play out his wildest sex fantasies on her and I guess she realized he was using her so she did start seeing me as she was still seeing him. Yep she was seeing us both. Then I think she just gave up on him probably because he was taking her for granted and treating her like a whore which guys sometimes do when a woman acts like one. Or he just plain didn’t want to see her anymore. Both very painful for me but that’s what I think.

    I have been drinking every chance I get and my wife and I have been arguing a lot more these days. We were at my wife’s sister’s house yesterday and I got a little drunk and then I embarrassed her. I asked her sister and her cuz and her mom so do you guys remember my wife with and boyfriends. My wife was pissed but my wifes sister said oh I remember this guy whos name started with a L. I knew right away that was the guy since his name stated with an L. The fact that the sister remembered tells me a lot. The mom and cousin tried to play it off and acted like they didn’t know who he was when I know they knew of him because he was a friend of the family for a long time back them and when the sister said that I could swear they both had a look on their face like why did you say that. I instantly started asking more questions and the sister shut up real quick and my wife said lets go we are leaving, lol. So now she is not talking to me today. Oh my life. Anyway glad to hear from you Malcolm. Talk to you later.

  371. Lightpost says:

    Hey man – don’t hit the bottle because of this. That’s punishing yourself for the things she did. My father-in-law died of alcoholism so please don’t even start down that road…it just isn’t worth it. You’re a whole lot better than that J plus there are people out here who care about you. I know that pain and the booze helps to drown it out….been there done that got the T shirt. All you end up doing is hurting yourself even more.

    Most women (mine and yours included) only tell you what they feel you need to know. In the early days of our relationship mine would say (before we had sex for the first time together) how thick mine was compared to her previous lover. (It is about 6 inches and quite chunky). Of course I have no way of verifying what she said but I am quite certain it was said to make me feel good maybe to try and make me feel I was better than him. Don’t know but I think looking back it was bs. Just to take my mind off the fact that she he was screwing her twice a week for 2 years.

    I think what is going one (IMHO) is a blend of all three of the above J. I think she wanted to make you jealous enough to want her back. I think she enjoyed sex with him and I think she loved him…maybe he did not love her….in fact from what you’ve told me I am certain of that. A user just like my wifes fiance….tricked her by saying he would marry her…got what he wanted…then off to find some other girl to screw. In your case I think when he had got what he wanted he just dumped her and you were a safe port in a storm. I think that because that is what my wife did. I did feel sorry for her – I know she was hurting and being the Mr fixit kind of guy that I am I set about fixing all the psychological damage he did to her. She is happy now so my efforts over the past 40 years have worked for her but she has no idea what the cost to me has been. I did not realise the enourmous psychological damage I was doing to myself. Mentally I am a train wreck and I did not understand how much damage I have done to myself until I wrote on this site and started writing it all out.

    I am tortured by the idea that if he had not ditched her I would never have met her but he ditched her because he took everything she had to give sexually, mentally and financially. Is that ever a doozy of a Catch 22 J.

    Man I feel like you’re my brother. Both mine died some years ago and these are the sorts of things I would have confided in them.

    But all water under the bridge. In England when you are faced with the choice between one bad path and another bad path it’s called “Hobson’s Choice”. That is where I am. Leave her and be miserable or stay and be miserable. Either way it is I that will suffer.

    How the hell did I get here J. Do everything right, treat women with respect, play by the rules and get screwed Royally. That is my life.

    Anyway – take care buddy. I could go for a beer right now.


  372. Lightpost says:

    PS I will be off line for a few days … not disappearing but will not have the privacy to write. Take care all of you here. I hope my story helps you come to grips with yours. There is no way out unless you accept your partners sexual history as part of the package you married into. Easy to say – not so easy to do. I can tell you that after 40 years together and 38 years married it does not get any easier to accept. Writing here is the best therapy I have found so far. Knowing there are others with the same pain as I makes me feel much less isolated and not so alone in my agony.

    Will write in about a week….Malcolm

  373. J says:

    Malcolm, I think you are right about everything. My wife also told me I was thicker than him. She said she loved my fat head, but I realized when she told me he gave her orgasms from behind and against the wall and probably anyway you can think of that his longer penis was better than my thicker penis, but I too think she just told me that as BS to keep me happy.

    I am starting to think that most woman settle. Since it is much easier for a woman to get laid I am sure most off them come across a lover who really knocks their socks off but they can’t land him because if he is so good he probably gets a crap load of girls and would never settle down. So the woman finds good old J or good old Malcolm to invest and take care of them. Maybe it is just natures way. Anyway, sometimes I wish I could have a beer with you, have great week and hope all is well.

  374. Jasmine says:

    heyya Lightpost…glad we could help somehow… we have to let go.. and appreciate our partners because they not cheating on us.. cheating would be worst..

  375. J says:

    DEar Jasmine and any other woman out there. I have a question for you. I would like a woman’s point of view even though Harmony answered me I would like your thoughts on this too. I recently found out that my has done some things in her past to a guy that are off limits to me. I also found out he had a bigger you know what than me and I was wondering truthfully if that could be the reason she was more into him to do more sexual things than she has been with me or what could be the reason.

    Also I’d like to ask why a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she says she loves when she had no problem letting it flow and giving this other guy what ever he wanted to do with her with a guy she claims was just a fling. Is she lying could she have been in love with him. Was I just second best. These are all the thoughts in my head and please answer as honest as you can. Please don’t sugar coat it.

    My question to you is. If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying. And if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then. Can you explain any scenarios where that could be possible or not possible.

  376. Lightpost says:

    Thanks Jasmine, Back home now…May 14th is our wedding annivesary so went away for a few days. You are right of course Jasmine we do have to let go somehow….but I have yet to find a way to do it. I thought years ago that time would heal the pain I feel but it does not. They say time heals all wounds but for this it seems not to work very well…at least for me. I have struggled to understand this and the closest anyone has got to explaining it has been J when he said that it is a sense of grief like losing someone close to you. The feelings I have are very close to that sense of loss except the person is still with me. I lost a part of the person I love that can never be retrieved because she gave it away to someone else. Time does not heal it because in a sense it is not a wound she knowingly inflicted on me…..I am just collateral damage so to speak.
    How to let it go is the million dollar question.

  377. Brokenman says:

    Lightpost, many thanks for your earlier reply – it was greatly appreciated. I have also read through the many posts from J, Jasmine and Harmony and many others… I feel for each and everyone of you and hope we can all find ways to let go of those tormenting thoughts that cause us the heartache we feel and prevent each of us fully enjoying the positive aspects of the relationship we now have with our spouse.

    Lightpost, I’m a tough one to crack, but your story resonated so strongly with me, it brought me to tears …I could so deeply feel all your pain. Yes, our paths share many similarities and although there are some significant differences too, I think that overall we have been similarly impacted by our wife’s sexual past. I wholeheartedly agree with you when you say “If only women (and men) knew the damage they cause by their actions”. As with many others here, we are the living proof of the pain and suffering that can (and does) arise when a spouse brings into the relationship a sexual past.

    Although our situations and experiences will obviously vary, I think that deeply entrenched within each of us is the need for complete exclusivity of sexual relations with our chosen spouse. Anything less than that means we carry a sense of loss, grief or jealousy that can often be very difficult to overcome and can create years of torment and misery for one (or sometimes both) involved in the relationship. Birth control such as “the pill” removed the consequence of unwanted pregnancy (previously a major deterrent of sex before marriage), but I think the age of sexual liberation never properly factored into the equation the adverse psychological and emotional impact that the proliferation of sex before marriage would have on couples after marriage across such a broad cross section of society (eg the impact of dealing with a spouse’s sexual past after they find their “soul mate” and “one true love”). I think it’s now a malaise of epidemic proportions and most of us here are either direct, or indirect, victims of this relatively modern age of sexual liberalism. And even if our situation has not arisen because of this, we are still victims of very unfortunate circumstances, which may well have been different (eg if we had met our spouses first!).

    In your particular case Lightpost, I understand and feel your sense of grief, loss, injustice and related heartache. I can really feel your pain. You waited and in doing so, gave a truly wonderful gift to your wife. I believe it takes an extraordinary love to accept a spouse with a sexual past, when your own gift is so special. You gave that special gift of love to your wife. You also nurtured your wife’s hurt and restored happiness to her life. I believe that deep in her heart, your wife knows you are a remarkable person worthy of the highest of respect and that she knows she is truly blessed to have you.

    Personally, I fall way short of your standards, but I greatly I wish I was more like you and here’s why…. Even though it wasn’t of my doing, I think the ending of my first relationship altered my sense of entitlement to a virgin bride. It may seem a bit odd, but knowing what I know today and knowing how it feels to be in this position, I also regret being the possible cause of great hurt to her current partner/husband, even though it was entirely her decision to end our relationship and I would have married her had she remained loyal and faithful to me. After my first relationship ended, I could never offer my future wife the same gift of being her first. I think that fact, more than anything else, set me up to accept a spouse with a sexual past and the repercussion of that decision, together with the particularly hurtful way my relationship with my wife unfolded after we first met, has given rise to a deep felt heartache that endures to this day (and I expect will do so for the rest of my life). For both you and I, it’s like we each missed the “love of our life” in time – we should have been the first, but we were not, so we feel like we are “collateral damage” as you put it.

    It will always be a hard fact to have to accept, but I completely agree with you that the harsh reality is that our wives had sex before us because they wanted to and that at the time, they very likely enjoyed it just as much and possibly even more so than they enjoy it with us. My wife has never claimed that she didn’t enjoy sex with these other guys at the time, just that the sex meant nothing to her, which is a very different statement. In fact, I have previously asked her directly about it and she didn’t deny enjoying it at the time. So in my case, I know my wife enjoyed sex with these other guys. I also know she knew she was extremely attractive and believe she set out to seduce these guys, as much as they seduced her, as she was longing for companionship, as she puts it. I could not have known at the time, but my wife came from a family background where her father travelled a lot and had been unfaithful to his wife (her mum). My wife initially had different values towards sex and gave her virginity to her first husband. Her mother died unexpectedly at around the same time as her first marriage failed. All these factors lead my wife to alcoholism to soothe her pain and this definitely contributed to impaired judgement. At this time, and following the failure of her first marriage, she developed a very different approach to sex. She was still in on the pill and for her at that time, holding back on her sexual desires was not something she in any way felt obligated to do, as she didn’t feel she needed to wait for someone special again. In her mind at the time, her family background and failed first marriage convinced her that a faithful, sincere and decent man simply didn’t exist. But the reality was that I did exist and after we met, I was already present in her life. We lived in different cities, which meant getting secluded time together was harder than usual to kick off a relationship. I think this was one of several factors that lead her to believe an intimate relationship with me was less likely to emerge. But we still did find time to spend very flirty time together in group settings and our intimate relationship was started only a few months after we met, at the very first opportunity we had to get secluded time together.

    But I don’t think that the time in between first meeting her and commencing our intimate relationship could have been more cruel to me. She may not have intended to do so, but I don’t think she could have hurt me more. For her at that time, her priority was on the companionship and sex that goes with it in the vague hope that it would lead to something more meaningful, even though in the back of her mind, I believe she knew it was unlikely to amount to anything more than casual sex. I initially didn’t understand her thinking at that time and only uncovered the painful truth when I was emotionally totally hooked and when it was too late to change anything.

    All these thoughts trigger those horrible porno movie scenes in my mind and lead me to nothing but misery and heartache which for me, never seems to go away. I struggled for a long time to accept what happened (and still do). I mentioned before that my sense of entitlement to a virgin bride was altered after my first relationship was ended. Had I still been a virgin when I first met my current wife, I don’t think I would have been able to entertain the prospect of commencing a relationship with a previously married woman and would therefore have avoided her and looked for someone else. The fact that I had been in a long relationship myself and was not a virgin allowed me to accept her failed first marriage and initiate the relationship, but nothing could have prepared me for the bombshell of discovering the extent of her sexual past and the events that unfolded after I had met her. It’s what has made me feel like a broken man today.

    Lightpost, the contrast between you and your wife’s first partner could not be greater and I think that your wife feels and knows that deep in her heart and mind. I don’t know if I can offer you much comfort with any of my views, some of which I suspect you may be challenged to believe and accept, but they are my honest views, so here goes, as there is some chance they may help soothe some of your pain… It’s my view that your wife, after 40 years with you, and as the beneficiary of your love and blessings, likely has little, if any, recollection of her past and that you are the exclusive man in virtually all of her focus and thoughts, including during sex. People can and do change over time. Even though I had a lot of great sex with my first partner and she was super beautiful, I seldom now think about the sex I had with her. It only happens if there is a reason for me to do so, such as for my posts here, so for me, there has to be a reason to focus my thoughts in on her now, which is very rare. I also lost my virginity to her, but it was not the highlight of our sex life together and doesn’t standout in my mind as anywhere near the best sexual experience to remember. I hardly ever think about it and to be honest, it’s a bit vague to recall, even when I try to remember it. She also came into my life well over 30 years ago and is no longer part of my daily thinking. From my personal experience, sex with a virgin woman isn’t the best sex. I think that for most people, it gets better later, when each partner becomes more relaxed and attuned to the other. And sex with a virgin woman doesn’t feel very much different either, other than you may notice some blood from breaking of the hymen. Even though you haven’t experienced sex with a virgin woman, don’t agonise over the thought that it feels better, or is much different, or more memorable, to sex with a non-virgin. I have many more memorable sexual encounters with my current wife that come first and foremost to my mind, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife thinks the same way about her experiences with you. In essence, I think your wife loves you (and only you) and that the prior man has been practically erased from both her mind and her heart. If you can get yourself to accept this to be reality, it may bring some comfort to you. I hope so for you. I also think that when having sex with your wife, you need a pattern interrupt thought sequence so that you avoid thoughts that can lead to losing your erection and instead replace such thoughts with positive thoughts that enable you to enjoy the experience. Perhaps getting your mind to believe and accept that your wife only thinks of you may be one way to do this?? I have had similar challenges at times, but have heavily focussed my thoughts both on pleasing my wife and on her (relatively recent) assurances that she has absolutely no recollection whatsoever of any of her past and that I am her one and only from her point of view. I know many would doubt this. But if there is one thing I think I know about my wife after being with her for 27 years, it’s whether she is being sincere. I believe her sincerity in saying that to me. Yes, I admit that I also feel like I have to believe it anyway for the sake of my sanity, but despite that, I know it to be true in my wife’s case. Time may not be a cure, but it is still a useful weapon for us. It may be hard to understand and accept, but I do believe that some people have a capacity to block out hurtful old memories, or memories they now greatly regret, and this can happen more and more over time, especially when that person has been blessed with many happy new memories and experiences to cherish.

    In your post, you wondered how my wife feels about my own sexual past. I recall that a while back, she asked me whether I ever performed some particularly intimate sex with my first partner like I have with her. When she asked, I could see her anxiety and I reassured her I had not done the same – which is true and I think this tapered off much of her own jealousy over my past. On many occasions, she has said to me that she is deeply grateful that my first woman caved in to her family’s preferences and left me, as otherwise she would not have me today (and can’t imagine how her life would have unfolded without me). Overall, I think she is deeply ashamed of her past and rationalises that what she brought into our relationship in terms of a sexual past is a hell of a lot heavier to handle than what I brought and for this reason I think her suffering over my past is there to an extent, but is way less than my own. The other thought that comes to mind is her comments over time about how much she wishes that we had each been each other’s first (and only) and that I had met her during our university days instead. I think this reflects both our perspectives, but I believe she says it mainly due to the hurt she has seen me endure over her sexual past, rather than jealousy over my own sexual past.

    On those occasions when we have openly discussed my torment over her sexual past, we have also openly discussed whether we should in fact remain together. In particular during our first 9 years living together (before we were married), despite my very deep love for her, I struggled to overcome the hurt and accept her sexual past (and in particular the horrible way our relationship unfolded after we met), versus moving on with my life with another partner. Most people who know me would describe me as a humble and modest person, so what I am about to say may appear to contradict that and even sound a little arrogant, but I need to say it so that you can get a better perspective of my situation. Moving on to another partner has always been a very realistic prospect for me. I think my wife is more jealous of other women being attracted to me than she is of my sexual past. God blessed me with very good looks, so attracting women’s attention has always been something that just seems to happen to me. I’m in my 50s now and still regularly get chatted up by women in their 30s and 40s and my wife tells me I look more handsome than ever. Good thing? Certainly very useful if I had a different set of values and wanted to attract women for sex – over the years, there have been so many opportunities, I have lost count. For me, sex has always been reserved for someone I love and although I am thankful for my physical blessings, my apparent attractiveness to the opposite sex has cost me dearly, as the one woman I love so deeply didn’t think she stood a chance after she first met me …and she claimed this, along with the strong feelings several other girls in the office apparently had for me, as one of her major reasons for taking up with other men after she had met me. In the process, she completely broke my heart in the worst possible way …and that thought just devastates me.

    During those times when we have discussed the appropriateness of remaining together, my wife would get so upset at the prospect of my leaving her that she literally begged me to stay with her and expressed very deep remorse over past choices. I have always loved her so much, but agonised whether we really should remain together, as her past was a continuous source of deep torment for me (and remains so to this day). We are in our 27th year together now, but at around the 9th year point of our relationship (when we married), I concluded that we were in fact soul mates and that my wife did really love me very much and that the pain of no longer having her in my life would outweigh that which I experience over my thoughts of her past. During those delicate and painful discussions with her, I held her in my arms while she became completely inconsolable over thoughts of our relationship ending and the grief, loss and jealousy she explained to me would be too much for her to bear. I have never been able to handle seeing her that way. Just the thought a decision I could take to end our relationship could end up inflicting so much hurt to the one woman I love most in this world has always been enough to stop me taking such a step. Other considerations aside, I know I love her so deeply that I don’t know I could live with the fact that I was letting go of this one woman I love so much and in the process also causing her great pain in the process. Besides, would I really be able to meet, fall in love and be happy with another woman anyway? I am sure most of us here have considered this question in the context of our own spouse.

    To me, my wife is an extremely beautiful person, both on the inside and on the outside. My wife fully acknowledges that she made some really bad choices 27+ years ago that she now deeply regrets. She has always displayed to me a genuinely deep sense of heartfelt regret over her past choices and the impact these have created in her subsequent relationship and marriage to me. In our time together, she has been the most incredibly loving, loyal, decent, considerate wife and mother I could ever have hoped for. From my perspective, in terms of my emotional and psychological health, either way (staying or leaving) has always represented a crap “no win” deal. I’m in my 50s now, am blessed with wonderful children (who I totally adore) and my wife and I are still madly in love with each other. Although I am still blessed physically and still attract attention from a lot of women, I have never yielded to that temptation and can’t see myself ever going down that path either.

    I hope everyone here can see that you are not alone in your struggles …and that there is hope for all of us – for me that hope is through my faith and the blessing I feel to have a wife who I know loves me deeply today, but who by her own admission, made some very poor choices many years ago that she now deeply and sincerely regrets. In my case, the consequence of her poor choices after we met but before we became intimately involved with one another, has been particularly devastating. It completely ripped my heart apart and inflicted what I believe will be a lifetime of unrelenting psychological and emotional pain. The truth is that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. The challenge for all of us is to be able to truly forgive a repentant spouse and focus on the present and future. I know that’s easy to say and much, much harder to do. Forgiving is something I always want to do, but the forgetting component is a BIG struggle for me that causes enduring heartache. I think in most of our cases, it is more about forgetting than forgiving, as depending on each of our circumstances, forgiving may not even be relevant. But if we love our spouse and cannot accept moving on to another relationship with someone else, forgetting and letting go of the past is the only real choice we have. The past can never be changed and I hope we can all learn to find ways to forgive and forget and focus on the road forward in our lives.

    As Jasmine rightly puts it, “nothing can change the past but it up to us to change the future”.

  378. Lightpost says:

    Thanks for your post Brokenman. I read it twice as your words resonated so loudly with me.

    Although we are very different men there are so many similarities between us it is hard not to be moved by what you said. I sincerely appreciate the time it took you to write this and it means a great deal to me.

    I do agree with almost all of what you have said here and I appreciate you telling me like it is from your point of view. I don’t like things to be sugar coated so telling it like it is means alot to me.

    I might have come across as a bit of a knight in shining armour as they say but my upbringing was almost devoid of interaction with women and girls. I put women on a pedestal always and that was probably a big mistake as that is not what most want.

    I know this is going to sound totally naive – and I will forgive you for laughing hysterically at this – but even at the ripe old age of 25 I assumed that all unmarried women were virgins. I think the bombshell my wife dropped on me was not so much related to the fact that she told me she had given her virginity to her former lover but that all my preconceived notions about love and marriage were destroyed on that day. A wake up call to the real world I suppose.

    I sincerely believe that much of society’s ills (50% divorce rate, exponential rise in the number of single mothers) can be traced back to the sexual “liberation” we are supposed to have experienced. It has been and is an ongoing sociological disaster. You and I are just a couple of the millions and millions of victims of it.

    Unlike your situation my wife simply will not discuss this with me. On the few occasions I have managed to bring it to the point of having an adult conversation on the subject it has turned into an argument. She becomes very agitated and tells me it is all in the past and has nothing to do with me. I know she recalls with great accuracy the place and time she lost her virginity so I asked her if she remembered our first time together ….and she cannot. That is what hurts me the most I think. Losing ones virginity ought to be a shared physical and psychological event that is treasured forever. All I can recall is a bit of a one sided affair the first time we had sex and our wedding night just a ho hum occurrence. At least you have experienced that even though you did not marry that girl. That opportunity is lost to me forever.

    I too have considered the alternatives. If you had the time to read my earlier posts I had written that, over the years I just buried myself in work and business to try and shut my mind off from these thoughts. It worked extremely well….except now that I have slowed down alot I have the same thoughts and things are no easier for me. For well over 30 years I worked all hours that God sends and became very wealthy as a result. While I would not describe myself as a magnet for females – I am not that bad looking – I did find though that women are attracted to wealth and the influence that goes with it….God only knows why…but they are. There have been many opportunities for me to be unfaithful to my wife but I could never bring myself to go with another woman. I am not especially religious but I felt that to do so would be not only letting my wife down but letting me down as well. Two wrongs don’t make a right do they?

    When you describe your wife’s previous behaviour at parties and what has lead to your heartache…I know only too well what you mean. I have seen it many many times.I have met women with exactly that mindset at business functions….lonely women (many of them absolutely gorgeous to look at and incredibly intelligent) actively looking for someone to have sex with. Often I see them go off with the scuz buckets of the world. The crude term for it these days (please excuse my language here) is “fuck buddy”. I cannot imagine what is going through their minds. About three years ago the secretary of one of my very close friends and long time business associate in Vancouver asking me for a ride home as she had missed her train. We had asked her to work a little later to send off some legal paperwork for us after a business meeting. Since I would be driving near to where she lived in North Vancouver anyway I did not mind. When she got into the car she put the passenger seat way back and displayed a good deal more of her underwear – what little of it there was – than a man of my age has a right to see. I was quite shocked at her open desire to have sex with me…..she actually wanted it in the car…said she always wanted sex in a Maserati. Part of me regrets turning her down but another part of me knows I would never forgive myself for doing it. That’s not the only occasion over the years but that one really sticks in my mind because she was so matter-of-fact about it. She was quite offended when I said no….not angry but definitely not happy. I’ve seen her since and she said the offer still stands so I told her I sold the Maserati (I have not) and we laugh it off…but it just blew me away that any woman would do that.

    I have seriously thought about finding someone else and I have been through much the same thought process as yourself. Where would I find someone I love as much. It’s not a one night stand that I need or want it is someone to share the rest of my life with.

    The biggest problem I have is that, apart from this site, I have no one else to talk to about it and try as I might I cannot get my wife to discuss these things with me.

    Still you are right this is not going to end unless we end it.

    Thanks for your thoughts.


  379. Brokenman says:

    Thanks again for your post Malcolm.

    There is one thought your post above triggered that I haven’t covered previously. By nature, I am a very analytical, problem solver. I have more letters after my name than I can comfortably fit onto a business card! Over the years, this self-belief in my own abilities and problem solving skills has served me well in my career and business accomplishments, but I believe, has made me very reluctant to seek professional help.

    I recently got myself into a period of intense despair over my wife’s sexual past. Having relocated my family to another part of the country and having left my once very lucrative career behind me, I now work as an entrepreneur and a few months ago, completed a major project milestone. This gave me a period of free time that I hoped I could use to unwind, as I had been working regular 7 day weeks and often very long hours each day, over a very long period of time. I felt I needed a mental break.

    Instead of helping me, I found my free time made my mind focus on my wife’s sexual past and the depth of hurt and despair I felt was probably stronger than I ever recall previously experiencing. I started feeling that there was no escape from my psychological and emotional suffering and started having regular suicidal thoughts and feeling I don’t want to continue living my life feeling this way. I actually started to evaluate suicide options and planning my exit from this world.

    I recognised this was serious and despite my reluctance to seek professional help, I dragged myself to a doctor, who advised I was deeply depressed (no surprise there) and who also referred me to a psychologist. I was prescribed anti-depressants and took those for a while, but for me, the side-effects were intolerable, so I stopped using these altogether. I was subsequently prescribed an alternative class of anti-depressant, but haven’t decided if I will take it at this point. I probably will not.

    However, to my surprise, I am far more optimistic about the psychological help I have started to receive. The psychologist I am now seeing is a woman. I was uncomfortable with this at first, but I quickly changed my mind. I have only had a few sessions with her so far, but she strikes me as insightful and competent. She appears to understand my struggles and appears very confident that she can help me stop feeling this way (eventually).

    It was not an easy decision for me to take, but I recognised there were some big danger signs and I love my family too much to take the easy way out, while leaving behind a trail of devastation. It’s still early days and the outcome of this psychological counselling is uncertain at this point, but I feel the process I am going through at least has some chance of being helpful. I was certainly a lot more sceptical before starting down this path than I am after a few sessions with her.

    I raise this as a further thought, as I noticed you mention that apart from this site, you have no one else to talk to. This is no doubt a great site to share thoughts, feelings, learnings and experiences with others who are confronting similar challenges and experiences. I have personally found the exchanges here very helpful and given our similar experiences, I have you to thank in particular for that. I sense from your posts that we are also likely quite similar by nature, so perhaps talking to a capable and experienced psychologist may help you (and maybe others) too?? It’s just a thought, in case it helps.

    If anyone out there is reading this and does start having suicidal thoughts like I have had, please don’t hesitate to get some professional help.

  380. Jamie says:

    My husband went to college on a scholarship. This girl that he casually had sex with that wasn’t even his type followed him and went to the same college that he did. While there he suffered an injury and couldn’t play and then a close friend of his got sick and ended up dying so he went through depression. He has such a big heart for people that he said he didn’t know how to deal with someone following him. He had several sexual partners and he is very attractive so it wasn’t like he was the only one. I have had several partners too so we can relate to having similar pasts. He however got this girl pregnant that he didn’t really like because she told him she couldn’t get pregnant so he believed her plus he said to himself what else can go wrong. After college he moved back home and she eventually asked him could she come too. Being that she had his child he said yes. Since she was now with him he thought doing the right thing would be to get married even though he says he didn’t and never loved her. She ended leaving him but he never went after her. I know if someone loves you they will come after you. I find myself being jealous or comparing myself to her or their marriage because I can’t understand how someone that is capable of making good choices made a decision to say I do to someone they never liked. People have sex or kids I understand with people they never would think twice about but marriage is for someone you suppose to be in love with. The casual sex partner made her way up to being his wife because they had a child. If I see her I say to myself what in the world was he thinking because you know how it is to see 2 people that don’t fit together. It was an odd couple. Sometimes I feel like second best because she is the one that left him. He says I’m crazy to think like that and I’m the one that was meant for him. He says he knew their marriage was doomed from the beginning and he knew he wasn’t happy and was making a mistake before the wedding and right after. But me thinking about him having sex with her or kissing her or even laying in the bed every night with her makes my stomach hurt. This man is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I love him dearly. I can’t imagine life without him. He never compares me and he loves me unconditional even with him knowing my past. He says I’m the only person he has ever loved in his entire life. I one day would like to have kids with him because he is so wonderful. I just want to get over his past and fully accept it because we have a great relationship.

  381. J says:

    Hello Jamie I have been trying to get a woman’s perspective on this. My question is for you. I recently found out that my wife has done some things in her past to a guy that are off limits to me. I also found out he had a bigger you know what than me and I was wondering truthfully if that could be the reason she was more into him to do more sexual things than she has with me or what it could mean.

    Also I’d like to ask why a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she says she loves (me) when she seemed to be willing to do whatever this other guy wanted. Basically she said do whatever you want to me to his other guy she claims was just a fling and meant nothing to her. Is this possible, does it sound like a lie in your opinion, do you think she really liked him, does it sound like she was in love with him to you? Please don’t sugar coat your true feelings on this. I need to know your honest hard opinion. Was I just a meal ticket. These are all the thoughts in my head and please answer honestly as you really feel.

    One more question, If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying and if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then? Can you explain any scenarios where this could be possible or not possible.

    Thank you so much in advance!

  382. Lightpost says:

    The more I read about you Brokenman the more I realise how similar we are. I am very much a problem solver aswell…I have a University engineering degree…and that is what I do solve problems and fix things that don’t work. When I met my wife (before she told me all the bad news) I felt I could fix all the heartache and solve all her problems and of course that is what I set about doing and did that very effectively. Unfortunately I am incapable of solving the problems she created for me….and I am sure this is part and parcel of this feeling of being powerless. For problem solving people finding there is no way out of the maze is a psychological nightmare.

    I too have wanted to end it all…as you say..the easy way out. But I look into my granddaughters eyes and realise the sadness I would cause her as well as my family and I know that I cannot do that. But the thought is there – always, always it is there. Sometimes like you I get into a very depressed state. I was in a complete downer when I came across this site. As usual I was trying to analyze my way out of this mess but it cannot be solved with logic. Applying logic just leads me to the conclusion that illogical problems cannot be solved by the application of logic. And around in mental circles I go.

    I have thought about getting professional help but don’t know how to do that without my wife or family knowing about it. I do think it is part of the answer though and your advice is well taken. Some times I have thought that I am going completely mental Absolutely agree that having spare time is a disaster mentally. It just makes you think about it constantly..trying to rationalise my way out of it.

    It is some comfort to me to know that I am not alone in this…..for years I honestly thought I was the only man on earth with these problems.

    One of the things that really struck me was your comment that by taking your former girlfriends virginity you had done the same thing to her future husband as my wifes fiance had done to me. It seemed so odd to hear that and in some strange way I found it reassuring…cannot think why.

    I very much appreciate your posts. You have no idea how much they mean to me.


  383. Lightpost says:

    Jamie, I too feel like I am second best. I think it is an automatic reaction to the types of life experiences that are thrown at us. Unlike your situation I have only had sex with my wife and she is the only woman I have ever loved. I knew she was the one for me the minute I set eyes on her. Not sure I believed in love at first sight until that day but I certainly believe it now.

    I too cannot fathom the idea of having a child with someone you do not love but I am sure that many women do use that as a lever to get the men they want…even though the obvious incompatabilities exist. I would have thought your husband should have known that she could become pregnant given that she was following him around…..but I too should have know my wife was not a virgin after having been in a close relationship for several years. 20-20 hindsight is wonderfully clear.

    Also I cannot understand how any man could allow his child to be brought up by someone else..I know I could not do that.

    Yours is a very different situation to mine but I think the heartache you feel is much the same as mine. I think perhaps that having your own children would help you both. Children certainly do take your mind off these types of feelings. You become so engaged in their lives that you put all these thoughts and feelings on the back burner. Plus they are just so much fun to watch growing up. I think if it had not been for our children (we have three – all grown up now) we would likely have gone our separate ways years ago but for well over 20 years they were the focus of our lives (and still are).
    Children will also give you both something in common apart from each other and believe me they are life changing. My children are an absolute joy to me and I now have a granddaughter who is the apple of granddads eye…and likely the reason I am still here.

    My granddaughter came out of a relationship my son had with a girl that followed him around and got pregnant to keep him so I know only too well how that works Jamie. But would I have NOT wanted her to have given birth to my granddaughter…..well she is the most beautiful child in the world (Grandfathers are always totally biassed) and I cannot imagine my life now without her being in it. Out of a disatrous relationship came this beautiful girl…is that such a bad thing.

    Out of the ashes of my wifes previous relationship grew our marriage and our three children…would I want to undo any of that? I would have preferred different circumstances of course but if things had not happened the way they did they would not be here. Our kids are all that have kept me sane over the years and my granddaughter (now 12) is what keeps me going now. She is the light that shines in the darkest corners of my despair.

    I do know one thing – accumulating sexual baggage is not good for any relationship – with or without children involved – and while I know many people say that it does not mean anything I don’t think they are being entirely truthful. If you could peer into peoples souls I think you would see that it does. Human beings are very adept at concealing what is truly in their hearts….men are especially good at it.

    But, just like me Jamie, you cannot change the past. All you can do is change the future. At least you have a partner that is willing to talk to you about it and that is a great leap forward. If you do decide to have children of your own I think it will strengthen your relationship and cerate a common bond between you both. After all, having children is what sex is really all about isn’t it.

    Take care and thank you for sharing your story here Jamie. I have learnt so much from you and all who post here athat has helped me to understand my own situation much more clearly than ever before.


  384. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm, I understand that you may have felt alone in feeling this way and for a long time too. That’s completely understandable. Ours are intensely personal struggles and I think what we’re going through, very few people ever get to feel comfortable to openly discuss with anyone. I have felt alone this way too and although logic would tell me that I can’t be, before doing my own research on the web, I hadn’t come across many people openly admitting to feeling this way. Most people (including myself) go on concealing these acutely painful and destructive thoughts and emotions for years, as it’s a very personal matter.

    This site is a blessing in that it allows people like us to connect and share our struggles and in the process, can be very therapeutic. Each of our experiences will inevitably have their individual nuances, but fundamentally, we are all struggling with similar, and often the same, soul crushing thoughts and feelings. This site (along with others) is testimony to the fact that we are far from alone and that there are many, many people who struggle just like us. I was also reassured by my psychologist that I am totally normal feeling this way and that many men and women go through similar struggles. It comes back to the earlier points made about this being a sufferance of epidemic proportions.

    With the very many similarities we share, your posts have particularly helped me – thank you. I chose to share my story in the hope it will help others too and so if it has helped you and anyone else, even in a small way, that is very gratifying for me.

    I do encourage you to get hold of a competent psychologist. I am not sure of your exact personal circumstances, but I am guessing you may want to conceal from your family the true nature of what you would be doing during those appointment times, but other than that, I don’t think there will be any need to involve anyone else in the actual consultation process. Just you and the psychologist (and maybe a referring doctor, who can be different to your usual family doctor, if that make things awkward in any way).

    I liked your comments to Jamie about children (and grandchildren). I couldn’t agree with you more that children are life changing and can provide for a great source of joy for a husband and wife to have in common (apart from each other). Like you, my children have been the greatest source of joy I could ever have imagined. I don’t think I could have remained sane over the 27 years to date with my wife without our wonderful children. I look at my children and in the midst of my struggles over my wife’s sexual past, can’t help wonder if things had in fact unfolded any differently, whether my children, as I know them, may ever have come to be in this world. That’s a conundrum that is very hard to argue against and has been a thought that has provided me with great comfort over the years. I suspect that deep in our hearts, despite our pain and struggle over our wife’s sexual past, we each see a great reward for the love we have for our wives through our children (and grandchildren).

    I know and respect you are not particularly religious, so please bear with me for a moment on this, as I will give you my perspective on how things unfolded for me and why. It just allows me to see things from a different perspective and because of that I think it is worth explaining this here, as this perspective may possibly help you (and others) too… My faith has definitely been tested and of itself, has not enabled me to overcome my depression and pain over my wife’s sexual past. I haven’t given up hope that it may do so one day, but I am definitely not there yet. But nonetheless, my faith has endured, and it has helped provide some comfort to my heartache, at least to some extent. It has helped me rationalise that God allows certain painful events to happen, not because He approves of them, but because there is a higher purpose that transcends our own limited view of the world.

    Prior to my current wife, I had suffered greatly over my prior woman leaving me. After a few years went by, I remember praying to God that He help me find my future wife and remember asking that my next partner be truly honest and that I had said in my prayer I was genuinely sorry for having had sex with my first woman, who I could no longer marry, and that I would accept my future wife, even if she had previously had another boyfriend. In that prayer, I recall my only request was that we be attracted to each other, that she have a good heart and also be genuine and honest, as the pain of deceit from my first relationship was something that I wanted to avoid at all costs. I remember that as having been my prayer before having met my now wife.

    In my view, the coming together of my wife and I only occurred because God wanted it to happen and because He had a higher purpose for my wife and our children. I believe He chose us for each other and He put that feeling in my heart of love at first sight. I can’t explain that feeling and how it got there. I hadn’t had a relationship, or felt that way about anyone for about 3 years, so it was very unusual for this to have just happened for no obvious reason. Sure she was beautiful, but so were a lot of other beautiful girls that paid a lot of attention to me, but that I never felt that way about. I also knew nothing about her at the time and I don’t think I would have felt that way if I had known the truth about her background on the first day I met her. I believe God wanted me to know what happened at the Christmas Party through that nightmare I had that night. Not to defeat me, but to prepare me for learning the truth in times ahead. It defies belief that I woke up that night with that dream of her being with another man, but it happened. And although I dismissed it as just a dream, I later found out it was true.

    So putting my psychological and emotional struggles over her sexual past to the side for one moment, what else happened from that sudden love at first sight feeling that landed in my heart??? With the feelings I had in my heart (and while still dismissing other thoughts like my nightmare as having really happened), I pursued this woman at my next opportunity and this woman ultimately fell very deeply in love with me. With no prompting from me (other than her seeing the clear torment her sexual past had caused me), she seemed to almost immediately and genuinely regret her past choices and made her own decision to rigorously pursue a path to completely transform herself into a very different person. This involved a conscious decision on her part to cling onto a completely different set of values that I believe had always been within her, but that she had previously decided to supress because of some very unpleasant experiences she had endured until that point in her life. With no prompting from me, she developed her faith very quickly (seemingly almost out of nowhere), although again I think this stemmed from a feeling buried deep within her heart. She genuinely sought my forgiveness (and more importantly, God’s forgiveness) and buried all thoughts of her past. I still don’t know how she managed to forget her past, but I know she has. I know it will sound unbelievable to others, but after 27 years, I also know my wife well enough to know with absolute certainty that this fact is true. She also gave birth to our wonderful children, who we both love and adore and who remain the greatest joy we each have ever experienced in this world. I look at my children and can’t help to think that God has a very special purpose for them and that He wanted for them to be. If anything had been changed in the past, they may not be here today …what a powerful thought! As I have said before, we are in our 27th year together and in that time, my wife has been the most incredibly honest, loving, loyal, decent, considerate wife and mother I could ever have hoped for. She remains truly beautiful, both on the inside and on the outside and we still love each other immensely. So other than for her sexual past, this woman has been as close to the perfect wife and mother that a man and family could ever wish for. I ask myself, would she (and this world) have been better off if I had not pursued her??? My wife and I have each played a part, but who really made this happen and accomplished all of the many positive outcomes??? Are the struggles I endure over my wife’s sexual past simply the price that has to be paid for what are otherwise some truly magnificent outcomes??? These are questions I reflect on that help justify my plight and make me wonder if I am really seeing my situation objectively when I am immersed in all that pain and torment over my wife’s sexual past. Since my children were little (they are mostly grown up now and wonderful in every way), I have repeatedly told them that they are our Gifts from God. I look at my children and know in my heart that they were truly meant to be and are on this earth for a special purpose that will be uncovered in time. I thank God for them each day and that is the greatest comfort I have found so far.

    I can understand if my views and beliefs differ to yours, but maybe Malcolm, just maybe, we each carry a very big burden, but were chosen to carry it in order to achieve a much higher purpose.

    Just like you, I continue to look for a full solution that can erase the torment and heartache of my wife’s sexual past. I am not sure I will ever uncover a complete answer, but I hope that such a day will come soon when I can say I am truly healed, and I hope the same for you too. Let’s make sure we never give up on that hope …and also remember the many other blessings we have had along the way, in particular our children (and grandchildren).

  385. Lightpost says:

    Thanks Brokenman…I can see that came right from your heart. While I am not a particularly religious person that does not mean that I don’t believe in a higher consciousness that we may choose to call God. I have prayed many times to try to help me understand why this pain became mine to bear. When I had no-one to talk to unloading my problems this way was a true comfort to me.

    I have often tried to rationalise this in my mind by believing that this was all done for a higher purpose. I too have many coincidences in the way our relationship developed that defy any logical explanation. It is so interesting to hear you say the same things. Here are a few of the very odd things that led up to our relationship. My wife and I met on a blind date. I had not met her before and she had not met me before so we had no idea what each other looked like. We had spoken on the phone to make the arrangements (we first met on Valentines Day believe it or not). We had agreed to meet on a corner by a book store (W.H.Smiths) in a small town in England. I went into town by train arrived at 7.15pm and stood on the corner and waited for the appointed time which was 7.30 pm. We were going to the cinema and the show started at 8pm. So 7.30 came and went, 7.40…then I thought well she stood me up. I did not want to go to the movies on my own so I started to walk back to the railway station. As I was walking away I just happened to look out of the corner of my eye at the OTHER corner (why I did that I shall never know). I saw a young girl walking away from me in the opposite direction wiping tears from her eyes with a paper tissue. It was the white tissue that caught my eye for some reason. As I was looking at her she took one last look – what I can only describe as a longing and hopeful look – at the corner and caught sight of me looking at her.From a distance of about 100 feet I could see her face just light up and she hurriedly put the tissue up her sleeve (a habit she has to this day) turned around and walked towards me. My heart literally skipped a beat. I recall the feeling of complete sadness turning to complete joy in a second as we started to walk towards each other. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen even though she had been crying and the tears were still welled up in her eyes. I just hoped that she was my blind date but I was sure she was and I could not believe my luck. I remember clearly the first words we ever spoke together in person. She said “Are you Malcolm? I thought you weren’t coming” trying to hold back some pent up emotion….I did not know how badly she had been hurt at the time of course. I replied that I would never let anyone down like that. And that was it. I fell in love with her on that street corner and I have loved her every single day of my life since.

    As I write this and all the memories of that night come flooding back from 40 years ago. I think what if I had not looked back? What if she had not had that bright white tissue? What if she had not cried? What if I had decided to go to the movies after all (it was in the opposite direction)? What if she had not taken one last look back for me? There were so so many coincidences that I have often felt we were meant to be with each other and that someone was determined to make it happen. Someone or something that knew she needed a man like me and I neeeded a woman like her. The movies were comedies (they used to show two movies in those days…the A rated movie and a B rated movie to go with it. I recall they were both very funny and we had a wonderful first date together eating fish and chips out of the paper walking up the high street after the movies finished.

    When it was time to part and for each of us to go home I asked her if we could meet again and she said “yes if you want to”. There were no more tears but I could tell she had been terribly hurt and was not sure I was the real deal. As I sat on the train going home my heart ached to be with her again. I knew I had found the girl I had always dreamed of. The rest as they say is history.

    The nasty surprise was yet to come but I felt incredibly close to her and always have. She is my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, mother of my children my business partner…everything I could ever wish for in a woman….except for this giant elephant in the room caused by her former fiance.

    I think the reason it hurts so much is because she is everything I could possibly wish for. If I bring the subject up I know talking about her past hurts her alot and of course I do not want to hurt her so I just leave it alone. But doing that makes me feel very isolated as I cannot talk to anyone about my feelings and the terrible pain I feel always.

    As you said, if things had not occurred the way they did I would not have my children or granddaughter. Her former lover gave me an incredible opportunity in many ways but at a high cost to me.

    So perhaps these things are meant to be and the pain we feel we were meant to feel for some higher purpose. I think you have a point. Perhaps there are others reading what we write (who do not wish to write themselves) to find some ways to beat the temptations of sex too soon and are trying to wait until they are married. If there are people reading this my best advice after 40 years of being on the receiving end of the bad decisions of two people one of whom is my wife I would say wait. You have no idea the damage you will do to someone you have never met.

    Even finding this web site was a complete fluke. I had intended to type “virginity” but decided to type “Wait till marriage” because I did not want to end up in some crude porn site somewhere. The search engine found this web site and all the wonderful people here.

    So perhaps there is a bigger reason for all of this.

    The pain has to have some purpose as I would hope that enduring 40 years of it has not been for nothing.


  386. J says:

    Malcolm my friend, I have to tell you that is beautiful. I had a tear in my eye as I realized how much you adored and still adore this woman. I feel the same EXACT way about my wife. I think in all honestly we are believe it or not Lucky that our wifes hurt us and I will explain, I read this and it makes some sence to me

    I believe wanting is better than having, which teaches that one’s desire and anticipation for something is often better than the actual result. After all, desires and expectations are infinitely boundless, whereas the reality is limited by various flaws and limitations — which were overlooked during the daydreaming in expectation.

    The things we want when we finally do get them, it seems it fails to live up to the unrealistic demands we’ve built up in our mind.

    Wanting serves as a reminder that a beautiful part of life is the struggle part, and that’s what keeps you going, and if you don’t have that “want” in your life I believe you are missing out. If you had everything you wanted, life wuld be boring. And besides – getting what you want isn’t always that good for you.

    I think we are lucky, sure I wish my wife didn’t take on a better lover and fall hard for him but it now makes me want to be that guy. Even though I know I probably never will be I have a deep sense of want now and I feel way more alive now that have the 20 years.

    I have to tell your I felt like I was there with you when you looked back and seen your future wife’s tissue. That was so great a story man. We are lucky to be able to feel the feeling, not everyone has or can. And your right there are a lot of tremendous people on this site,

    Thanks for the great story buddy, maybe later I will share mine of how I knew my wife was the one for me.

    Have a great bud!

    Broken man

    I would like your perspective on this. I recently found out that my wife has done some things in her past to a guy that are off limits to me. I also found out he had a bigger you know what than me and I was wondering if that could be the reason she was more into him to do more sexual things than she has with me or what it could mean.

    Also I’d like to ask why you think a woman would hold back her sexuality from a man she says she loves (me) when she seemed to be willing to do whatever this other guy wanted. Basically she said do whatever you want to me to his other guy she claims was just a fling and meant nothing to her. Is this possible, does it sound like a lie in your opinion, do you think she really liked him, does it sound like she was in love with him to you? Please don’t sugar coat your true feelings on this. I need to know your honest hard opinion. Was I just a meal ticket. These are all the thoughts in my head and please answer honestly as you really feel.

    One more question, If a woman holds back sexually from a man that she says she loves, and I do feel she loves me, could she really be in love him or is she lying and if she could be in love with him why in the world would she hold back sexually then? Can you explain any scenarios where this could be possible or not possible.

    Thank you so much in advance!

  387. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J. It is an incredible series of events I know, but that is exactly the way it happened. The street corner is still there but the store is no longer a book store. We have been back to it a few times over the years. While I don’t much relish visiting the town because of all the memories it holds for her, that street corner is pretty special place for us. I did not even know it was Valentines Day until months later. As you can imagine we make a big thing of Valenties Day in my house. When Brokenman wrote about all these coincidences in his life I had never thought of my relationship with my wife in those terms but – when I looked back it was a whole string of them. I wish I could upload a diagram of the corner to help you picture it. If either one of us had decided to go in a different direction that night we would not have happened at all as a couple.

    I don’t know what the probability is but it has to be tens of thousands to one.

    Would like to hear your story too J. Writing mine down made me realise just how much I love my wife. There were a few tears on my desk as I wrote it.

    Take care bud. I wish I could answer your question above. I am not sure why your wife would hold back from you…maybe in reality she is rather ashamed of what she did and does not really want to repeat it…or she never really did those things at all and made it up to make you jealous. All kinds of possibilities on that one.

    All the best


  388. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm, thank you so much for sharing your story re how you met your wife. As J said, it was truly beautiful. Sometimes it is all too easy for each of us to get lost in the depths of despair brought about by our wife’s sexual past that we can forget the many blessings our marriage has brought to us. I am certainly very guilty of this. We ultimately have to come to our own conclusions, but for me, I believe God chose for my wife and I to be together in order to achieve a higher purpose and I believe that was the case for you and your wife too.

    J, you make an interesting and I believe very wise statement that “getting what you want isn’t always that good for you”. This comment resonated very strongly with me when I think of my first relationship. She was a beautiful woman and everything I could have wanted – or so I thought. We were also both virgins when we started our sexual relationship, so were set up to enjoy future marital bliss without any of the baggage that a sexual past with other partners can bring to a relationship. I thought I had the woman of my dreams only to find that she would decide to deceive me and pursue relationships with other men. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t accidentally discovered her with another man and had instead gone on blindly to marry her and have children with her. With her stunning looks, I am sure she would have continued to attract the interest of other men and I can only imagine how painful the deceit and resultant devastation would have been to discover her infidelity then.

    J, re your question, any answer from anyone other than your wife will be speculation at best, as there are many possible reasons and as Malcolm rightly puts it, she may never have really done those things at all and made it all up to make you jealous. I think when a woman finds her soul mate, the act of sex is very different to casual sex as such. I think for casual sex, women will be more inclined to experiment, as they are not looking to be respected by their partner so much. Instead, they are typically lonely and unhappy and wanting to forget their sorrows and the more adventurous sex can amount to a form of escape, or stress relief for them. However, I think that when women find their soul mate, most women will want their chosen man to respect them (i.e. not think of them with slutty thoughts etc) and I think this can make a woman become more reserved in the bedroom. These are general thoughts at best and there will always be exceptions, so this may not be applicable in your situation. My guess is that your comparative size has nothing to do with it. Assuming it wasn’t a lie to make you jealous, the greater likelihood is that your wife loves you and did not love this other guy and in the context of a much deeper and more meaningful relationship she has with you, she may not feel comfortable to venture there yet. If that were the case, I believe that may possibly be overcome by instilling confidence within your wife that such intimate acts will bring both of you closer and closer, but this can take a lot of time and patience. I only mention this because I believe that was the experience with my own wife. It was initially very plain vanilla sex, but over time and with reassurance, she began to accept that I would not disrespect her in my mind for performing more intimate sexual acts with me and she also gradually came to accept such intimacy to not only be very pleasurable for us both to share, but also very intertwined with the deep felt love and bond we each share with each other. Another possibility is that as years go by, women can have a drop in libido, so that is a reality we all need to confront at some point too. I am sure there are many other possible explanations too. I hope this helps J, but the reality is that only your wife knows the real answer.

    Malcolm and J – a heartfelt thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts here. You have helped me more than you realise. Take the best of care.

  389. J says:

    Brokenman, you are a very smart man and I am sure that Malcolm like myself feel very lucky to have you on board with us. I truly think with the three of us we have a chance to conquer this major issue in all our lives. Your insight is remarkable. I must say I am fairly certain though that she was not lying when my wife said she really enjoyed it with the other guy. See I had her thinking I was enjoying her stories and I was. I must admit, I hope I don’t sound weird here, but I kind of always knew she had some kind of sex with this particular guy but I had always thought I was way better. At least that was what she always told me. But over the years I would get aroused from time to time when she talk about it and would play around and pretend that she was going to cheat. She would “pretend tell me what she would do” and it did excite me. She would do it to make me happy. That is how I got all this info out of her finally. It was a total fluke that she went as far as she did to tell me the things she did. I was just never expecting the things she said but it all added up after she told me. Trust me as much as I want to believe you and you are a very sweet man to try and convince me that it may not have happened but I am 99 percent sure it did. None the less I do appreciate your words and you have certainly helped me on some of your theory’s, I am so glad you are part of Malcolm’s and mines therapy. I am very grateful to have met you and Malcolm.

    Malcolm I will tell you my story now.

    Mine was not like yours, it was not love at first site. The first time I met my future wife I was playing basketball I think and me and a few buddys of mine walked down the street to our neighborhood deli. When we walked in there was this cute ass petite girl with hair, unbelievable long curly dark hair, and lips, soft, cute, little hot lips. I was shy so I never did anything but my friends all hit on her. A month or so passed by and I would visit the deli on and off to get a sub. Liverwurst and provolone with just mayo. Man I used to love that combo, probably have not had that in 20 something years. Anyway, I had always thought she was cute but thought she was a little young for me. She was 16 at the time.

    Anyway a month passed and it was Easter. I was a basketball playing nut back then and would spend most of me free time at the courts. Anyway after getting back from a dinner at a restaurant with my family I went off to the park to shoot some baskets by myself. As I was walking on to the court she was walking off with her little cousin. Now keep in mind I had never said two words to her but for some reason as we came upon each other I felt this overwhelming feeling to kiss her so I said hi and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

    After that she started looking for me. I later learned from her younger sister that she would peek around the corner from her house to see if I was there. She could see the park from the corner of the block she lived on. So her sister told me years later she would look to see if I was there and if so would run back into the house and put on make up and wear nice cloths to come and impress me.

    Any way it was a few weeks later April 28th 1990 to be exact and there I was as usual noon on a Saturday shooting hoops. I was actually about to go to my friends house down the block who was having a pool party and beer party. We partied a lot back in those days. Anyway along comes this knock out with hair, oh I tell you it was amazing this hair, my God was it awesome and still is, so thick and curly and long, just the best hair you can imagine. Wearing a red tube top and these lips omg. So I asked her if she would like to join me at the pool party, she said yes and we went got drunk had a great time and I ended up paying her sister to take her in the house because I was to afraid to bring her to the door as drunk as we both were.

    After that night we started talking on the phone and decide to start dating. She kind of talked me into it. I was not in love with her at this point but was very attracted to her. No sex had occurred either yet. So it was about exactly 1 month and my cousin was getting married so I invite her to an informal wedding at my older cousins home. It would be our first night together little did I know. I caught a ride to and from with my sister and her boyfriend.

    Now I was not planning on sleeping with her because I was not all that sexually experienced nor did I really desire sex all that much at that time but on the way home we stopped at a 7-11 which is a convenience store and my sisters boyfriend and I went in to get a few things. While inside my sister’s boyfriend who was older than me asked me if I was going to nail her. Of course I had a blank stare on my face but he said you should go for it, she wants you. So he gave me a rubber, lol, and I decide ok, why not. I still give him a lot of credit to this day for us ending up together and am very thankful he did that. So when we got to my house her and I went to my room and we had been drinking at the wedding it was about 7pm and we lay down on my pull out couch bed which I loved and we started kissing. I was wearing yellow Everlast shorts which I changed into and she was still in her dress. We started making out then it got heated and I ended up taking her panties off and making love to her. I was so nervous I remember and after word I went to the bathroom and there was blood on my shorts from it being her first time. More on the shorts later.

    Anyway, the next day came and I did not call her. About a week went by and I did not call, I was still not in love her yet and I was not sure if I wanted to pursue the relationship any further. I know that sounds horrible, but I was stupid back then. I cant explain I was just dumb, I mean I was smart but my brain did not process things fast if that makes sense.

    So a week went by and I get a knock on the door. It’s her and she is pissed. She is like your friend Rob said you were just using me and that you were not gonna call me. Rob was a dick who used to hang around with my friends, I guess I would call him a friend just not a close one. Anyway when she was standing there with this tougher that life attitude I got nervous and asked her to come in. We ended up making love again and I was feeling something for her. I was so impressed that she wanted to kill me that I think I started falling for her that night.

    But I can tell you the exact moment I knew she was the one. We had been doing it for a few weeks after that I guess I can’t say for sure how long and then this one particular day came it was in the early afternoon. We had been at my house an we were doing it all morning, oh the good ole days, and I walked her home because she had to go to work. And there I was standing in her fathers driveway and I kissed her. This time the kiss was different, oh so different. Now I heard this happens and seen it in movies and tv but never believed it could happen but when I kissed her on this day I saw, clear as day, massive fireworks. I kid you not. Fireworks went off as I kissed her beautiful lips. I can’t explain it I have told this driveway story a thousand times and I still can’t believe it but there they were I saw them with beautiful magenta and light blue bursts going off it was heavenly and so awesome. I knew from that day forward she was the one and have never not for one day ever doubted that.

    I hope I didn’t bore you guys but that is how this beautiful woman and I came to be.

    Oh and on the yellow Everlast shorts I was wearing when we first made love. Do you know I still have them till this day. It is like a first place trophy that I won the greatest thing in the world. My love!

  390. Lightpost says:

    Thank you J.I agree with Brokenman that we can only speculate about why your wife says those things. We don’t know her as you do so while we can have our theories only your wife really knows what she did or did not do. If she is always a straight up truthful person then I suspect what she says is true but even then women will do and say anything to keep the one they love so it is all within the realm of possibilities….especially if she knows you enjoy listening to it. It is a huge turn off for me but each person is different and it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

    Your description of your first meeting and sex with her was quite moving although I feel both men and women would savour the experience so much more if they waited until marriage but again that is just my view. That, of course, is something I was never be able to do and why these feelings are very complex and most definitely not jealousy…although that emotion is part of it. I know this will sound really bizarre but I almost feel a sense of remorse that the reason all this happened is because I was not around…blame myself in a way for being a naive idiot and playing by what I thought were the rules of the game. Logically that is crazy as I would likely have never met her but I do feel that alot.
    It is good to keep your Everlast shorts J. They are a reminder that you shared something that can never be taken away from you both. Her past lover did not have her virginity, you did and I know all too well that a woman remembers her first sex more vividly than any other she has afterwards.

    I know my wife remembers every detail of hers…she has given me tid bits of it but will not say much more. But I know her well and when certain tunes play on the radio I can see her mind wandering off into years past and her first time having sex. Michael Jacksons “Got to be There” is one she gets off on always so I know that tune meant alot to them and I think (99% sure) it was playing when they had sex for the first time.

    But here I am getting depressed about it all again. So I will send all the pain to the back burner and try to get through another day.

    Brokenman – you are very wise. I read what you write with great interest and often read it all twice to catch the nuances of what you say. The strange set of circumstances and coincidences certainly lead me to the same conclusion as you that all this was meant to be. I just do not understand why.

    I have said before that I am not especially religious but if there was anyone that followed the teachings of the Bible, Koran or any religious text related to the subject of sex and marriage it was me. i only ever wanted to date and marry one girl. Although I suppose that after I met my wife and fell in love with her and found out she was already very experienced sexually I gave up on my deeply held principles and had sex with her many times before we were married. A part of me wishes I had not done that so that at least one of us would have been a virgin on our wedding night. But I think I did it partly because of raging testosterone in those days and partly (actually mainly) because I wanted to show her I was better than the other guy. If I said I did not want to have sex until we were married then I think she would have thought me a bit odd and not want to continue our relationship. I really did want to do things that way but temptation assured that I did not. I do deeply regret that. It is part of the psychological shambles that I am.

    I must be coming across as a bit of a nut case folks but, by writing what I truly feel, honestly, it is helping me to unravel this twisted ball of psychological hurt that I have lived with all these years. Now THIS is going to sound totally bonkers but up until I started to write here I could not even write the word “virgin”. Now it goes on just about every line. It is one of the reasons why I did not type “virginity” into the search engine and looked for another term “wait till marriage” that brought me here.

    I cannot thank you all enough for sharing this intimate part of your lives with me. I know it hurts you to write it down…it does me but when I read your stories I see parts of my life and feelings of hurt and pain in yours and I do not feel so alone.

    I am trying to summon the courage up to see a psychologist …. I really think it may help me after reading your experiences BrokenMan. I have resisted in the past primarily because during the very few arguments we have had on this that “you need to see a psychiatrist” has been one of my wifes angry retorts. But another part of me says why is it I that have to see someone when I did nothing wrong? Yet another Catch 22 in a long, long list of ironies.

    As far as experimenting in the bedroom goes my wife does not do anything except straight forward sex. Sometimes she likes to be on top but most of the time it is just normal vagina only missionary position sex. I do recall when we were young – and quite a bit lighter than we are now….she did jump up, clasp her legs around me and we had sex standing up, but that is the only time we did anything “adventurous”. Also when we were much younger I would frequently use my tongue to lick her to orgasm. I do know that nobody has ever done that for her as the first time I did it she just about exploded. Three or four orgasms one after the other and I remember her losing control and pushing herself really hard into my face. I must say that I am really good at that and she likes it alot. Talk about screaming…it was enough to wake the neighbours.

    Actually, thinking back we were fairly adventurous in some ways. I remember we were in Spain on holiday in a rented villa. She was at the sink doing some washing up and I crept up behind her, lifted up her short skirt, pulled down her panties and had sex with her while she was at the sink standing up. All was fine until her Dad came down the path and looked straight at her in the kitchen window with me inside his daughter. Talk about a mad scramble. He knew what was going on of course but he never said anything at all. I always respected that man…he was a good soul and I thought the world of him. Long since dead now though. But fond fond memories. Any way I digress a bit. For us sex has been fairly plain Jane…maybe that is my fault for not turning it up a notch. She absolutely will not do anything other than vaginal sex. rarely does anything to turn me on.

    So thanks all for writing. Great to read your experiences. I wish I could take you both out for a beer.


  391. J says:

    Trust me I know all to well Malcolm that feeling. My wife lays there like a dead fish, I have never been in her butt or down her through. That is what freaked me out so much when I learned she let him do that to her. Can you imagine? I had been experiencing trouble keeping my erection and have not been able to ejaculate while with her the last few times. I am perfectly fine when I am by myself wink, wink, ad never ever had a problem before, but ever since she told me about all this stuff I can’t seem to hold it long enough to do my business and it sucks. I pride myself on being a psychology expert (even though I have absolutely no schooling on the subject what so ever, lol) just have always been good with solving people’s problems and helping them figure things out mentally. In fact I help my friends and people I work with all the time with things that are bothering them, I seem to be able to help them so they say.

    Anyway/ I have tried to figure out what is wrong with me and my erections and I had come up with a few theories over the last 6 months. 1. I may be intimidated because she had a bigger penis so now I feel inadequate. 2. Did I lose respect for her as woman and am not attracted to her no more? I don’t think it is this because I am attracted to her. 3. Maybe I don’t feel loved anymore and only feel used.

    These are some of the theories and a few more I came up with, but today I think I figured out what is really happening. We are in the middle of buying a new home so things are nuts for me what with my problems with the wife and I am dealing with buying a new home. Anyway on the way back from an home inspection my wife said I want to give you some tonight. I immediately cringed but said great! Then as usual my mind started going to work. I started thinking why am I feeling this way and then it hit me and I think this is it.

    A thought popped into my mind. Since she had told me about the (excuse my French) deep throat she gave the other guy and knowing she never even offered it to me, I think the reason I don’t want to have sex with her is because I feel if I’m not god enough to get a deep throat too than I am not good enough to get her vagina. Basically it is my penis’s way of saying I want it all or nothing. I don’t want half of you I want all of you or nothing at all. I have not said that to her but I am planning on saying that soon and feel more certain hat it is that than any of the other reasons I came up with on the past.

    Anyway guys it is a holiday weekend for us guys and I am looking forward to throwing back a few drinks tomorrow. Hope you guys have the greatest of weekends and God Bless both of you.

    Your friend J

  392. Lightpost says:

    Cheers J and thanks. Your analysis of my situation has helped me alot…you are good at that for sure. I sure do know that feeling J….exactly the same thing happens to me. I have no problem at all on my own…for my age I am quite proud of the fact that it all works really well down there. But when I am with her I find it very difficult to get going. She does very little to stimulate me which I know would help me get my mind out of these videos that play in my mind. When I am with her all I can think about is the two of them going at it and my normally healthy erections just shut down. I have to really work hard mentally to block these thoughts out of my mind and bacause of it I seem like I lose interest in her.

    Even when I stimulate her orally nowadays I just get these mental pictures of his semen flowing out and I have to stop. I know she loves that but I just cannot shut that video off.

  393. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm and J – thanks for opening up your hearts with all your terrific posts. I would love to have a beer with you guys one day – who knows, maybe one day it will happen!

    I want you to each know that you are wonderful souls – having met you here means the world to me and I so much hope we can all get to uncover the needed answers. Better still, it would be great to discover the power we need to fully heal and rid ourselves of all our torment, heartache and despair once and for all. We have to retain hope that this can happen for all of us one day!

    It’s crazy in a way, because deep down, we likely each know we are very lucky men to have such wonderful women in our lives. We just feel wronged and have this sense of grief, loss, jealousy or injustice regarding something that is so precious to us and that we feel is rightfully ours (and ours alone), but was taken from us and we can never get it back and this sets us up for this psychological and emotional trauma we endure.

    The worst thing from my perspective is that the thought process I endure with the porno movie scenes in my mind of my wife and those other scum and this hurts deep in the heart and stops me from being able to feel the happiness I know I would otherwise be feeling and that’s a very raw deal when you feel you have been upright and honourable. It feels so unjust. I have found beliefs to help mitigate the pain, but I’m still searching for a way to completely defeat it to get out of this miserable state I feel most of the time.

    I have just started my next project, which will again see me working ridiculous hours for many months on end. I like the challenge of my work and to be perfectly honest, my work is great for distracting my mind and is probably the best medicine for me to reduce the amount of time I spend in my severely depressed state. With the demands of my work, I am going to get very little time for making many posts here for a while, but I will be visiting this site and keeping an eye on how things are unfolding for each of you. So I am here and will remain here, just with a lot less time than I have recently had on my hands to make posts.

    I am also continuing my sessions with my psychologist. I expect it will take quite a while to see the fruits of this approach, but I will let you know if anything comes of it that may benefit you, or others. Malcolm, I take your point that you did nothing to deserve needing to get psychological support. I totally get that. I felt exactly the same way. But when someone gets sick, or needs an operation, that’s likely not their fault either, but they see a doctor or a surgeon. I try to look at seeing my psychologist from the same perspective and I hope you can take that same step too, because there is some chance it may help you.

    Apart from my psychologist, I have never shared my struggles with my wife’s sexual past with anyone except here. Although we have never met in person, I think that by opening up our hearts and sharing what we have shared here, it has enabled each of us to peer into each other’s soul. Because of this, I feel you are now closer to me than anyone else I know and want you to never forget that this Brokenman cares deeply for each of you. With all my heart, I hope and pray only good and wonderful things happen for you both. God Bless!

  394. J says:

    Brokenm,an, I agree 100 percent with what you said here.

    “I think that by opening up our hearts and sharing what we have shared here, it has enabled each of us to peer into each other’s soul. Because of this, I feel you are now closer to me than anyone else I know and want you to never forget that this Brokenman cares deeply for each of you. With all my heart, I hope and pray only good and wonderful things happen for you both. God Bless!”

    I feel this exact same way towards both of you. Even though the likelihood of us ever meeting or even sharing our true identities with each other could potentially be slim. I feel like you are my closest friends right now. We may never meet or even talk but for however long this lasts I too feel like we are peering into each other’s souls like you said and I feel very open and trusting towards the both of you. I look forward to reading anything you guys write here. I am very thankful and I too wish both of you all the greatest things life has to offer.

    Its funny its almost like the man upstairs has meant for us to come together in this crazy way. Maybe in the grand scheme of things we were always supposed to meet and all the things we went through, Malcolm’s tissue, brokemans dreams about his future wife having sex with some guy at a party and my situation. Maybe all these things that have happened to us in the past were all meant to happen so that one day it would all lead to were we would all find each other right here on this very site at this very time in space to accomplish something amazing.

    That’s how my mind thinks, sorry if it seems a little crazy. Anyway, have a great weekend guys. Thanks for the nice words!

  395. Lightpost says:

    I hope your work goes well Brokenman and please write if you have a minute – even if only a line or two. Sorry my last post ended rather abruptly. My wif came in as I was finishing off so had to send it right away with no closing remarks.

    I can readily relate to burying myself in work. I too have taken on another task to bury myself in as I find that time on my hands is my worst enemy. I really don’t need the money it will bring in but I just cannot allow myself too much free time to think.

    It sure does seem a little strange that we are all here with different perspectives on the same problem. Perhaps this is the reason for it all. You two and all the readers here know more about me than I have ever told to anyone. These are the deepest and darkest parts of my soul I have shared here and while I cherish the anonimity that has enabled me to write all of this down I wish I knew you all personally. Just to know there are caring people out there that share my pain and understand me when no-one else in the world knows means a great deal to me. I can attest to the fact that it is pure torture for me. BrokenMan – you are so very eloquent with words. When you said “…. and this hurts deep in the heart and stops me from being able to feel the happiness I know I would otherwise be feeling and that’s a very raw deal when you feel you have been upright and honourable.” That is exactly how I feel and I know that only someone who has the same torment as I could know how to write that. I think of the pure joy I would be feeling now being married to the woman I love if she had no sexual baggage. I think about that very often. What if…..

    Like you Brokenman I am sure that we are not the only people out there who are suffering and I too believe this is a psychological epidemic of epic proportions and may well be at the root of many of our sociological problems. The obsession with things is I feel just a cover up for the sexual baggage that so many of us have. Sexual liberalisation has been an unmitigated disaster in my view. I do know looking back at my life that I have used the possession of things as a cover up to conceal my hurt. On one of my posts earlier I recall saying that I would give it all away tomorrow for just one hour with my wife before she gave away her virginity to a scum bag.

    Thank you both for taking the time to write. You have made an immense difference to my thinking and while the pain has not gone away at least I am understanding how and why I feel the way I do better than ever before.

    I will continue writing here as long possible as it is far and away the best therapy for me. You have made me think that perhaps I do need some professional help.

    Have a wonderful long weekend both of you. It is just a regular weekend for us here in Canada so have a beverage or two for me please.


  396. J says:

    Will do buddy. I am going to go drown my sorrows in some alcohol today and I am very much looking forward to it.


  397. J says:

    SO much for that I had planned for a great day but all I had was a few coolers and we came home. I was so board. In fact the past 6 months since learning the stuff I learned I just am not my usual fun self. I am so tired of feeling this way. I just cant focus on anything. Cant watch a whole movie, cant seem to think of anything but my wife. I think we are falling apart because all I want to do now is talk about her past and all she wants to do is cover it back up. Our sex life is ruined. She does not want to have sex with me anymore because i cant get it up and that makes her feel undesirable and she says I have made her feel like a sexual object now cause all I talk about is her past. All I can picture is her giving this scumbag a deep throat that I never got to have and she wont do for me. So hurt by this, I don’t think I truly realized how much I was hurt by all this cause it isn’t getting better.

    I am just losing her I think and I don’t know if I care sometimes. But then I get panic attacks thinking of myself with out her and unlike the both of you, work is just stressing me out more because I can’t focus on anything anymore. I am a mess. This sucks.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

  398. Lightpost says:

    We are all in that boat J. I just suppressed it for so long hoping it would just go away and I would forget. Unfortunately it does not work that way – at least for me – it never goes away and I never forget it. I know now that the damage to my psychological self has been huge. I don’t really kmow who I am any more. If I had know what the mental penalties would be for choosing this path I think I would not have thought more carefully about the path I took. I did it to try and ease her pain and took on a very big payload of pain and anguish for myself. It did not seem to matter in the first blush of love but the older I get the more I realise that this path has only one direction – forwards – and I cannot turn around and go back.

    I think you know in your heart of hearts J that there are only two choices. The first choice is to stay with her and accept her for what she is with all of her sexual baggage. That will mean accepting that she enjoyed sex in all its varieties and that she does not want to do that with you. The second is to leave and find someone else. Both are painful and neither is easy. I am in the exact same boat. I either accept that she thought she was going to marry this guy, was truly in love with him and had really good sex with him on many occasions…in more varieties than she will give to me. Or I end this mental pain and let her go.

    Tough choice.


  399. Lightpost says:

    Hi J. I was just thinking about things and it occurred to me that your wife seems to be a bit more open to talk about this than my wife is. Have you tried to tell her your feelings and what this is doing to you? Bringing this subject up is not easy. In my case my wife will not discuss it at all but yours has told you much more than mine has told me. I think finding a quiet place and some time without your kids…just the two of you to talk about how affected you are by it…the same as what you have told us here. Her reaction to that will tell you whether she is worth more of your life. At 65 I am just too old to even consider leaving….although I have thought about it many times. Maybe if the right opportunity came along but I’d likely get someone with even more baggage to contend with so what’s the point.
    Seems to me the only viable option in my case is to learn to live with it and find some psychological mechanisms to ease the pain it causes me. BrokenMan is right that seeing a psychologist is one way to help. But whatever I do or whomever I see I have to face the unpleasant reality that my wife did not give her virginity to me, enjoyed giving it to someone else, very much enjoyed subsequent sex with him, probably still has deep feelings for him and likely wishes she had married him and not me. No amount of talking can change the facts.
    I am sure of most of the above because she certainly was not a virgin when I had sex with her. She has never said she did not enjoy sex with him. Has never once said (and this really hurts me) that she wished she had given me her virginity. I know she has deep feelings for him even after all this time because of her reactions to music popular at the time and I think she really really wanted to marry him but she couldn’t because he did not want her.
    So these are the stark realities we face J.
    The more I understand what went on the more I realise that I play second fiddle to the man she really wanted and that will always be the case not matter what I do, where I go or what possessions I have.
    It is what it is…take it or leave it.

    What a mess I have created for myself J ….. what a mess.

    Thanks for being a friend buddy.


  400. J says:

    Hey Malcom, yea we are in the same boat bud. We both know in our hearts we were second fiddle. I know for sure now, there is no kidding myself. In fact I remember the moment, the very exact moment she told me she deep throated him. I was pulling into the bank drivethrough. My heart was beating out of my chest when I heard her say, ” I think I was able to deepthroat him. My heart nearly beat out of my chest as I acted excited so as to get her to continue talking. I remember saying to myself while she continued, “that’s not good”. I think I knew at that moment she was never in love with me like she was with him. I think all he facts that I had gathered over the last 20 something years all finally fit together. I knew everything. it was so clear, and so sad.

    Over the six months I have had to rethink my whole life with her. Memories from our past that I was so found of all these years now when I think of them I see him chocking her with his penis. It is rough and I am so up and down. I feel like I am on a roller coaster buddy.

    Anyway hang tough it sucks being number 2 but at my age 46 I agree any woman I get now probably will have done much worse. Thanks for being such a good friend to talk to Malcolm.

  401. Brokenman says:

    I stopped over at a local restaurant for a quick lunch and had parked my car in the street. On returning to my car, I noticed what initially looked to me to be a very nice silver-toned Aston Martin, which had parked at the rear of my car, but not left me much room for me to get out of my spot. I went towards the back of my car to check out the distance when I noticed the badge. It was a beautiful silver Maserati and it immediately made me think of you Malcolm (and the woman who wanted to have sex in your car!) So I just had to check-in and drop you guys an update …

    Once again, a big thanks to each of you, Malcolm and J, for all your recent posts. I have read through them all. I feel exactly the same way as you guys do.

    As with Malcolm, I have been suppressing my feelings as much as possible for most of the past 27 years and hoping it would all go away. In this last year, I have felt for the first time that I lost control of my emotions and coping mechanisms. By that I mean the depth of my despair and suffering intensified to the point that I became so depressed, I could no longer adequately control my emotions and for me that was a major factor in seeking professional help.

    From what I am reading here, I think it is fair to say we are each immersed in a form of mental torture that we each know we cannot ever entirely remove, without finding someone else. I had hoped time would be my friend and help me heal, but in reality, it is a two-edged sword. The truth of the matter is that I think time has likely beaten all of us. We love our wives, but deep inside, we know we can never really be happy unless we could go back in time to fix things, or unless we find someone else. I contend with very much the same anguish you guys go through, but from the perspective of my particular circumstances.

    In my case, my mind tries to deal with the imagery of my wife having had sex not just with her former husband (and others) before I met her, but also with several men after I had met her (and after I had fallen deeply in love with her). In that short time before we kicked off our relationship, I had no idea this was happening. Love can totally blind you. Maybe I trusted the connection we had formed during those early flirty days. At that time, I viewed her as a very classy lady and it just never crossed my mind that she would be so liberated with her sexuality. I couldn’t have been more blind. Apart from my nightmare (which I conveniently dismissed at the time as just a bad dream), my mind didn’t register any of this as being a real possibility.

    At the time, I thought I was fairly worldly, but maybe I was just very naive. It was only after I had started my relationship with her that I found out the painful truth and by then, it was way too late for me. I was totally hooked emotionally.

    If I had acquired the resolve and strength of character during the early days of our relationship to let her go (and in the process allow my heart to be broken again), I could have looked for someone else and I may have escaped this torture. But I didn’t. I made a choice that we were meant to be. Because of that choice, I have needed to contend with the constant mental anguish of her having sex with all those men – and enjoying it. It hasn’t just made me feel like I am second fiddle, but more like fifth, sixth or whatever the number maybe (I have asked, but have never received a straight answer so I still don’t know for sure – hate to think what it could actually be). As her husband today, it’s horrific and soul destroying to have to contend with this stuff each and every day. The only comfort for me has been a heartfelt belief that she really loves me (and not any of those scum from her past).

    My wife and I recently spoke once again about the many issues I am contending with over her past. I think these discussions were quite confronting for her, as I think she had been hoping (as I had been) that time would help me heal. She became very upset to hear me tell her that I am still suffering this deeply over her past. Now she tells me she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with me at all because of what she knows must be going through my mind. She tells me she had been tricking her mind into believing that I see her very differently through my eyes. It has also been getting more and more difficult for me to not think of her with those scum when we have sex and I personally find that a huge turn-off, so at the moment, I don’t think I can have sex with her anyway. I told her that she is absolutely right to think that I definitely see the wonderful person she has become today, and so I do see her very differently, but that I also have never been able to escape the tormenting thoughts of her with those other men. I didn’t think any of this was news to her. I was therefore a bit surprised by her recent response, because we have had very similar discussions over the years. The only difference is that it has been a while since we last spoke about it in much depth. Until now, she had never said to me that she doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with me because of my struggles with her past. That is also painful for me to hear in the context of knowing that she never struggled to have sex with those other scum in her past. So another blade in my heart! Maybe this will still change, but there is a chance my sex life with my wife may be officially over. I need something to cope with this. I’ve started to think about going to the local casino here, checking in for a night, looking for a hot woman there and getting laid …but I would never forgive myself!

    I went to bed very late last night after a very busy day. My wife was already in bed and I thought she would be asleep. Once I was in bed, she leaned across and gave me a big kiss and told me that she still loved me immensely and asked me to give her time, because she wants us to be as intimate as we have been, but that her mind is still struggling to deal with what my mind must think of her when I think of her past. We were both tired and I didn’t say anything further to her, but now that I have experienced her hesitancy with me, I think it makes me focus on her past at precisely the wrong time and I am very unsure I will be able to “deliver the goods” so to speak if and when she is ever ready again. Just like you J, I also feel I am on a roller coaster!

    I set some good time aside earlier to pray for all of us and I hope those prayers will be listened to. I am usually meticulous at keeping to my work plans and schedules, but in my current state of mind, I dropped the ball today but hopefully will pick up the pieces in days ahead – if I can get my head to focus.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me vent here too …and know you are definitely not alone in your struggles. I will finish on a wild, but far more positive thought… maybe one day we all need to escape and do something crazy like go cruising on some calm, warm and sunny waters while we sink a few cold ones between us and figure all this out… I find it much healthier to let my imagination wander to happier thoughts! I hope that tomorrow and times ahead are far better for all of us. Take the best of care.

  402. VR says:

    My BF and I, we have been dating together for past 2 years. He lost his virginity to me. I lost my virginity to a guy before him and it so happened that it was a meaningless sex with a friend. My BF is not able to get over the fact that I lost my V to a random dude over some drinks and I did it for pleasure but not love. He claims he loves me a lot which is why my past is affecting him. We have broken up once even because of this and got back together again now. But this issue always resurfaces because he can’t get over it and I do not know how to help him either. We are both suffering as we both know we can’t change the past, but how do we live with it? Please help!

  403. Brokenman says:

    Thanks for your post VR. Jennifer provides some very good advice at the top of this article that may help you and your BF. If you have not done so yet, I suggest it is worth investing a few minutes reading her commentary. It may help you and your BF.

    Many of us here are struggling with similar issues. The sad reality is that for many of us, myself included, recovering from our partner’s sexual past is very difficult, if not impossible. I have been dealing with my wife’s sexual past for over a quarter of a century and the struggle continues each and every day and does not get any better. If anything, it gets worse. Many other very good people here have struggled for longer. The reason for this, I believe, is that deeply entrenched within each of us is the need for complete exclusivity of sexual relations with our chosen spouse and anything less can lead to years of torment and misery for those so impacted. I think this is magnified when one partner brings their virginity and/or a very different sexual past to a relationship.

    VR, I hope that you and your BF can find a way to resolve this issue and have a happy life together. But speaking as a man who suffers similar pain from my wife’s sexual past, I know it can be a lifelong struggle to overcome the tormenting thoughts and heartache. Although I love my wife very deeply, knowing what I know now, if I could go back in time to the point when I first found out the devastating truth about what had happened and had the choice of either accepting it, or ending the relationship, I would now make a different decision. At the time, I decided she was my soul mate and believed I could somehow learn to cope with this. But I have never managed to succeed, even though she has been the most perfect wife I could have imagined and I love her deeply. If anything, it has been getting harder and harder for me as the years have ticked away. So knowing what I know today, faced with the same choice back then, I would end the relationship, only because of the monumental pain and suffering my wife’s sexual past has caused me. It has made it impossible to feel true joy and happiness I know I would otherwise have experienced over all of these years. Perhaps your BF may be able to overcome the pain, but I know how hard it can be.

    I know most of what I have conveyed here has a less than positive tone, but I wanted to be honest with you about my experience and not sugar coat it. I am also not alone in my experience and you will find many others continue to struggle to overcome this torment and pain over many years. However, I am not saying that this has to be the experience for you and your BF. You may find you and your BF are fortunate to find a way forward that heals the wounds. I think your BF is very lucky to have someone like you who cares so much about him to seek out possible solutions. The fact is that everyone can have a different perspective and Jennifer is a case in point. Jennifer’s commentary mainly deals with the feeling of Jealousy. This is part of it, but for myself and many others, I think it runs much deeper and includes feelings of deep grief, loss, injustice and other painful feelings too that collectively can be very hard to shake and can cause great despair.

    I wish you and your BF every success and happiness whatever decisions you take.

  404. Lightpost says:

    We are very much alike Brokenman. I too have had similar thoughts of going to another city checking into a hotel and finding a woman to have sex with. I think part of me has a desire to even up the score with my wife…two each so to speak. But I would likely subject myself to a pile of guilt on top of all these other feelings I have. Many times I have fantasized about going to Las Vegas and having sex every day for a week.

    That is so funny, I do indeed have a silver Maserati but that one is my wife’s car. Mine is an electric blue convertible. My wife also does have a habit of parking ultra close to other vehicles…I keep nagging her about doing that. They are beautiful cars though aren’t they. This brings me to another ridiculous quirk of mine that has been brought about by my mental troubles. When the cars are delivered I specify that they must have zero kilometers on the clock…the cars are virgins so to speak. My wife has never understood why I do that as I have to have them delivered by transporter to my house which costs me an arm and a leg. But driving them is one of the few things I do that completely takes my mind off of the porno videos I play daily. Sad really isn’t it. I often think of that girl as well. Awful thoughts really and I don’t understand why I have them.

    Ah yes cruising on a warm sunny ocean with a few cold ones and my good friends trying to sort this all out…now you’re talking Brokenman. I think that would be very therapuetic. I did make a few discreet inquiries about some psychological help. I heeded your advice that being physically ill is not my fault just as being mentally ill is also not my fault. It is likely the resistance comes from the admission that what I have is a mental illness. I don’t think I can deny that it is not any longer….and it is getting worse not better with time. I too thought time would heal these wounds but it does not. A double edged sword is exactly how I would describe it too. The more time goes by the less time I have left to do something about it.

    Cannot believe I let myself get to this state of mental anguish. I will write to VR next as her situation is very similar to mine and perhaps I can offer some practical advice to them both.


  405. Lightpost says:

    VR, your situation is so similar to mine…almost identical in fact. You can read all the gory tale above in my earlier posts if you have time but in a nutshell my wife gave her virginity to a guy that she thought she was going to marry but he dumped her two weeks before their wedding day. She also was having regular sex with him (several times a week). I know you will laugh at this but I honestly thought all those years ago that women were virgins until they were married and that she had saved her virginity for her wedding night. The day she told me destroyed all my hopes and dreams. It was like an atomic bomb going off and the shock waves are still reverberating all these years later. How could the woman I loved so much do this to me? I have never got over it. I had to move to a different country to avoid the places where they were together. I forced myself to work, work work to take my mind off it and became very wealthy in the process….only to find that money just makes it worse. I can have anything I want…except the one thing I really wanted more than anything which was my wife and I to be each others first sexual partner. Like the other guys here I am totally destroyed by the thought of it and after 40 years it never ever goes away.

    While your boyfriend and I are not the same I suspect that he has much the same feelings as I have. I was interested that you described your first sexual experience as meaningless sex. I am 100% certain that your boyfriend does not view it as meaningless. It has great meaning for him. You had his virginity and you could not share yours with him – that is irreversible and far far from meaningless. In my case I know my wife remembers every single detail of her first sexual experience. She remembers the date, place, time and the music they did it to. I found this out on the very few occasions we have talked about this. I also found out (because I asked her) that she could not remember the first time we had sex together when I lost my virginity to her. That was like a dagger in my heart.

    I think if you ask any woman (or man) they will remember their first time vividly. It is natural and understandable….but ask any woman about the third, fourth, fifteenth and hundredth time and they could not tell you anything about it. As a result your boyfriend will always feel that he is the second fiddle…the runner up in your sex life. He got the consolation prize…the other boy got first. Men regard taking a womans virginity as “bragging rights”. I have often heard the conversation in men’s locker rooms. I am sure the boy you gave yourself to has told and retold his sexual encounter with you. Your boyfriend knows that too. He knows that your story has been recounted by this boy a hundred times…but you are the woman HE loves and he feels deprived and cheated. It is something you are not able to fix. I know in my case I was told by a friend of mine that he had heard that my wifes former lover when told I was going to marry her said…”well all he gets is the left overs”. Sadly that is how many men view women. The men worth marrying get what’s left….mentally and physically….and that hurts alot. I understand how your boyfriend feels totally.

    One of the things my wife has never ever told me is that she wishes I had been her first. That would mean so much to me and I think (if you TRULY love him) you will wish that was the case….and telling him so might help. I would advise you not to trivialize your sex with the other boy as meaningless because in truth it was not. Maybe you were not in love, maybe you had a few drinks too many, maybe you just wanted to get it over and done with…I have no idea what your motivation was but what is done cannot be undone and the man you love so much now has been harmed for ever by it. But it was not meaningless because you will remember it for all time…and your BF knows that. I am sorry to sound so harsh but it would be unfair to you both if I did not tell you my feelings after 40 years of living with this trauma.

    The only advice I can offer you is to talk about it with each other – quietly and not in anger (although men tend to get angry). On the positive side, despite all this I still love my wife very much. I have three great kids (all adults now) and a lovely Granddaughter who is my saviour on my darkest days. If it was not for her I would have ended things long ago.

    But every single day of every single week since she told me I have thought about her with her former lover and the mental damage it has done to me is immense….. traumatic is the best word to describe my feelings. I have depression regularly – often have suicidal thoughts as a way to end the pain once and for all.

    If you read the posts of Brokenman and J above you’ll see much the same thread of raw feelings and hurt. But true love is a powerful emotion and able to overcome many obstacles. Brokenman has his faith to help him and I have this website which has helped me immensely.

    It is such a difficult situation VR. I wish you both well.


  406. Lightpost says:

    J, Thanks for writing. I understand your torture man. Those mental images are so hard to shake aren’t they. I have them all the time. I also wonder during all our sexual activities together over the years whether I was being compared to her previous lover. Sometimes when I lose my erection I see that fleeting look in her eyes that tells me she is thinking of another time and place.

    She always makes up some platitudes to make me feel better but I think sometimes she really does know what is playing in my mind. I think the same videos are playing in her mind too and the guy inside her is not me.

    What a train wreck I am.

    Thanks for posting. Always appreciated.


  407. J says:

    Malcolm, we are both a mess. I think the may be a little hope though. I don’t know if it will help but it made feel a little better yesterday for a while. Here it is. I think woman in general can get hotter guys to sleep with them but not to marry. For men it is much harder to get sex wit a woman that is hotter than him. Usually he has to commit to a long term relationship in order to get any thing at all. Were as a hotter guy can get a lesser woman to circus tricks if he wants her too and most times a guy with sleep with anything (most guys) nit us so much but most guys especially the hottest of us. Even the hottest ladies probably got played buy the brad pitts of he world because for woman like I said it is much easier to attract a hotter guy for one night if she is willing to go to town on him. Were a a guy can not usually get a hooter girl for a one night stand. So if this theory is correct than Id be willing to bet that most woman have had sex with much hotter guys then the ones they manage to real in and have them take care of her.

    Also, think of a hot guy on tv. Lets take the warewolf boy from twilight. I know my wife is crazy about him. Now imagine a guy your wife is crazy about. Now imagine she had a chance to sleep with him. You’d probably almost let her wouldn’t you. Just like if Carmen electra or who ever is super hot right wanted to sleep with you. Your wife couldn’t be made at you if you had a moment of weakness.

    So what I think I want you to take from all this is first I think most woman dream of past lovers since it there is a very good chance they had better hotter bigger penis carrying lovers. and second maybe just look at your wifes first as someone who she was more infatuated with than in love with. I know it means we got sloppy seconds but in some it makes me feel better. Hope maybe it does for you.


  408. Lightpost says:

    That is an interesting approach J. I think there is some truth in that. I have never looked at things that way. I am sure you are right about women don’t have trouble sleeping with a hotter guy who they know will never take care of them or love them the way we do.

    Not sure my wife would be too over the moon about me sleeping with Carmen Electra. I think I would be deceased really quickly as would Carmen. But just thinking of that makes me horny. Maybe I should try and think I am sleeping with Carmen Electra instead of my wife to try and get back my libido…..I might just try that….really good idea.

    Thanks bud…always in my thoughts. Let’s help each other find a way out of this mess. You have had a big impact on me already. Your post cheered me up alot…helped me quite a bit.

    All the best.


  409. Lightpost says:

    Hi VR,

    I read Brokenmans reply to you again above and want to echo his thoughts. I too think that knowing what I know now and the mental anguish all this has caused and still does cause me I would have ended the relationship. But we are all very different and I think that if you truly understand how hard it is for your boyfriend to accept this then there may be ways you can help him out. I think that telling him it was meaningless sex will just hurt him so much more. what you have said to him is giving your virginity away so casually was meaningless therefore he will automatically conclude that him giving you HIS virginity was equally meaningless. So be careful with your words but be very open with him and discsuss it when he wants to talk about it.
    You will also have to accept that he will never “get over” it. The thoughts will always be there in the back of his mind.
    It will be a real test of his love for you and your love for him. All I can say is that I have lived that life for 40 years knowing that my wife loved someone so deeply she wanted to marry him and had many sexual encounters with him. It is a level of mental torture that I have found almost impossible to endure.

    If you marry him that is the life he will have. As I have said here before women and men should think about the mental anguish they will inflict on the person they have not yet met when they decide to have sex outside of marriage. The results are psychologically devastating….I am living proof…so is J…so is Brokenman. Of course your BF is now not a virgin so even if your relationship is ended he will have his own baggeage to bring to the next woman and so it goes on.

    The best thing is to talk about it alot before you go much further…not in an adversarial way but to try and work out some mental solutions for you both. I say both of you becasue although I have focussed alot on what your BF reaction may be (as a man) I am sure that you likely harbour some feelings of guilt or remorse. MAybe your BF tries to put a guilt trip on you. I know I have done that to my wife several times (which I deeply regret) as I hurt the one woman in the world that I love and should not be doing that. But anger sometimes gets the better of me and I say things I should not.

    You can use Jennifers tips above but as Brokenman says what we feel is not jealousy. It is a whole complex set of emotions, love, hate, regret, remorse, pain and yes jealousy is there but most certainly not the whole story. You need to find out what his emotions are and try to work on them together.

    Like I said earlier…love between a man and a woman is an extremely powerful emotion like no other. It is capable of overcoming anything including this.

    It will be a big test for both of you and I wish you all the luck and love in the world.


  410. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm, that silver Maserati really was a beautiful car. I love the concept of the virgin car …and very pleased for you that it provides you at least some level of escape from the daily video movie torments.

    I feel so sorry for VR. I sense from her post that VR has a very good heart and does very much love her BF. It is so unfortunate to see this type of situation arising and the pain it causes. I think you provided VR with some very wise advice and I hope for her and her BF that they discover a way out.

    I sometimes wonder whether a young person who has not gone through the years of torment we have can actually accept that some of us can never “get over it” – I know my wife and I each believed that time would be a healer, but we were both wrong.

    Malcolm, your situation and mine are not identical, but I believe the underlying video movie torment in our minds and related thoughts and feelings we each experience are very similar, if not the same. And although our situations are not identical, I can completely and totally understand what you are going through. I so much wish I had the answer for all of us.

    J, just like I see Malcolm, I can tell you are a very good man with a very good heart. I can completely understand your torment too. Your situation is again quite different to mine, but we are pained by many similar feelings created by our wife having had sex with someone else. I enjoy reading your theories and find them very interesting and insightful. Although I think there will always be some exceptions, I can completely see how they ring true to many people and their relationships.

    Today, for the first time since I have made posts on this site, I am pleased to share somewhat brighter news with you guys…

    You may recall from one of my recent posts the precarious situation that had arisen as a result of recently discussing my struggles once again with my wife. Last night, she lovingly embraced me and asked me to look deep into her eyes. She was very emotional and I could see her deep love for me as she peered into my eyes and with great insistence and as tears began to stream down her face, she started to tell me that she is devasted by the reality that she cannot ever undo the past and the pain it has caused both of us – that from the moment our relationship commenced all those years ago, she knew what a stupid fool she had been and that I have to know that for her, no previous partner could ever even begin to be compared in any way whatsoever with the man she now truly loves.

    That tonight she wanted me to know, understand and finally accept in my heart and mind and soul, something she has conveyed to me previously, but that she believes I may still doubt, simply because it is a very difficult truth to be able to fully accept and understand – that the truth is that as far as her mind and heart are concerned, that there has never been, and there never will be, any another man. That I am the one and only man she truly loves and could ever truly love.

    At one point, she kissed me with great passion and reaffirmed that I am the only man that occupies all of her thoughts and every space in her heart – that she suffers deeply seeing the pain of her stupid and foolish decisions she made in her past – that she yearns for me to understand that there really is no other man for her – that there is not even an ember of her mind or heart that recalls, or wants to recall, absolutely anything to do with anyone else – that if she was in a court of law, she couldn’t even testify to having had other sexual partners in her past because she just doesn’t remember it.

    She insisted that from the moment our relationship began, that she knew she had won “the biggest lottery on earth” and that from that time, she thanked God and prayed long and hard to God to forgive her for her past and that God has since given her the joy of me being her first and only in her mind and heart – that God went on to gift us with our wonderful children and for her, also erased all her painful thoughts about her past as if they never happened – that today she cannot remember any of her prior partners, but that she knows for a fact that, whatever sex may have happened, it is not something she ever wanted to remember and I am the one and only person she has ever made love with and the one and only who has ever pleasured her to an orgasm.

    She again told me that her greatest joy would be the thought that we had met each other at university and were each other’s first. And although she knows this didn’t happen, that God has still allowed her to feel in her heart as if this really did happen anyway. That she doesn’t understand how this ability to completely forget has happened, but that it has happened to her and that she knows it is so hard to believe, but it is absolutely true in her case – and that as hard as it may be to accept what she is saying as a fact, that she has never lied to me, and would never lie to me, so help her God.

    Loving her as I do, and with the struggles I am going through over her past, I was very touched by her clear conveyance of her deep love for me. I later didn’t have any of the troubles I was expecting in the bedroom and we shared some brilliantly happy and deeply loving moments together. For me, last night was the first time ever in my life with her where for a brief time, I really did feel that we were each other’s first – and that made it super magical!

    All the thoughts my wife conveyed were extremely kind, loving and caring. At the back of my mind, I know that my wife is not only very beautiful, but exceptionally smart (many university prizes for excellence, dux of her school and topped her state in her university entrance scores etc) and although I am no slouch myself, for a very brief moment in times gone by, the thought had crossed my mind whether she could be clever enough to deceive me.

    But unless I am totally fooled by my very deep love for her, I have never seen anything but a truly good heart and soul and absolute love and sincerity from her. Her honesty has been something I have always cherished. So although what she said to me sounds implausible, if not impossible, I also cannot say that it is untrue. Perhaps if I can get my mind to really accept and believe it to actually be true, as she has asked of me, it may help with my healing??? Time will tell.

    The roller coaster type of events of the last few days has made me completely drop the ball on all my work, but I have to say, if I could feel the way I felt last night more regularly, there isn’t much I have that I wouldn’t sacrifice to make it happen again and again and again…. and again.

    Anyway, my struggles continue, but I am glad to be able to report something a bit happier for a change, even if it is only temporary. I very much hope that some positive circumstances can unfold for you guys too. You are truly wonderful souls and I hope that we can all find some peace from our torments, even if they are a mild reprieve. God Bless!

  411. Lightpost says:

    I so wish my wife would say that to me. She has never once said to me that she wishes I was her first…never. She has never said she regretted having sex with her former boyfriend either. Both facts lead me to the inevitable conclusions that she does not care if I was her first or not and that she really enjoyed her sex with him. As I said before I know she still longs for him…convinced of that. I feel that I am the idiot that came along to fix the mess…and still am.

    Your wife sounds like she is truly remorseful about her past and clearly her religion is playing a part in reconciling her past with the woman she is now. Age certainly does provide a wisdom one wishes one had in younger days.

    My wife is much more along the lines of ci’est la vie…that’s life, that’s the past just move on. I know she can do that. I cannot. Pain at every turn.

    The Maserati I have is a Gran Cabrio Convertible. My wife has the silver quattraporte Sedan (four door). Italians make beautiful cars for sure. Glad you liked it…likely was not one of ours but pleased you got to see one up close. You said some very moving words in a previous post that you often wondered about the joy you would feel with your wife if she had no sexual baggage. I feel exactly that. I could not have selected a better way of describing it. I think that is also part of the pain I feel. I know I have found the love of my life. I do not really want anyone else but here I am stuck with the knowledge that I will never know what a womans virginity is like and can never have my wife’s virginity. And I should say that by virginity I do not mean just the sexual act because there is a huge mental component of losing ones virginity quite apart from the physical. It is really knowing that my wife is not a mental virgin that really hurts the most. Not sure if my words have conveyed that properly but don’t know how else to say it.
    You said it was likely a desire for sexual exclusivity on my part and I think that is certainly part of it but in reality I think it is largely a sense of deep, deep inconsolable sadness that I have missed out on the pure joy I know I would have experienced if my wife had not had sex before. It is that which is eating away at my soul and keeps me in the mental prison from which I can never escape.
    Your wife has found a way to blot out the past but I don’t think mine even cares to blot it out. Indeed I think she wants to remember and does not much care how I feel. Although she probably does not know how I really fee anyway.
    I almost made a blooper by leaving this site up on the computer the other night. I think she used it after me but may not have seen it. Maybe she did see it though as she was very quiet the whole evening…and there are not too many folks that have a blue and a silver Maserati so if she read any of them she would know lightpost was me.

    What a shambles my life has become.

    Thanks for posting Brokenman and truly hope you can heal this damage through your faith and love for each other. For me I think I will have to wait until Alzheimers kicks in before I can forget. I hope also that VR finds a away through this with her boyfriend. It filled so full of sadness as I read her story. Such a terrible waste.

  412. J says:

    Brokenman, I am so very glad you found some comfort finally. I do feel hat your wife loves you very deeply. If she is lying about not remembering the past, that I can not tell you for sure but woman say many things. Its something I learned over the last six months. At the very least she loves you enough to want to cover anything up that bothers you. Thts if she is lying which I am not saying she is or she isn’t. it sounds like you are a little better off than poor Malcom and myself as our wifes don’t seem to be concerned with telling us what we want to hear.

    I will say that I feel sorry for woman sometimes. They are always being lied to by men who will say anything to them to get in their pants. When a woman is young they are usually insecure about their bodies and when a man starts paying attention to them they fall in love very easily. I believe most woman were fooled at some point and it made them learn to lie a bit. I also now believe that a lot of woman lie. They have to as a defense mechanism because if they were completely honest about there past most men would look at them as whores. I don’t blame them for lying about it. I read somewhere that most woman only tell you half of the guys they were with. I hope I am not sounding offensive to any women out there as I respect woman to the highest level.

    Also when woman are young they generally are attracted to the “bad boy” and since like the names states they are bad, they end up getting hurt by this bad guy and then they look for the “nice guy” that’s us guys, lol. In a perfect world yound ladies would be excited by nice guys and not have to get dumped on by bad guys to realize that its no fun.

    I am very glad you are happy Brokenman, unlike Malcom’s and my wife your wife seems companionate. She seems to want to make you happy.

  413. Brokenman says:

    It was definitely not one of your Maserati’s as I live a very long way away from Canada. But I must say, the coincidence of having this beautiful Maserati parked so close to my car was like a heavenly reminder of my good friend Malcolm and the incredibly painful journeys we each share.

    It was a really beautiful few moments to hear my wife speak to me with such impassioned love and that felt great for sure. But the reality for me is that any escape from my mental torture is only temporary. My mind goes on remembering her with all those men and the resultant mind movies are so painful to bear. So like you, it will probably be Alzheimers that will need to come along before I can ever find a cure. For me, although I knew how she felt about her past from prior discussions, the other day provided some degree of comfort and relief to know that she is so genuinely remorseful over her past and what it has done to me and as a result our marriage. It made me feel her love and this allowed me to escape the reality of our situation, albeit for a few fleeting moments.

    I understand your perception that your wife does not care and takes a “ci’est la vie…that’s life, that’s the past just move on” type of approach. My wife was initially very much the same. I think what changed my wife was that from the time I found out the truth, I didn’t conceal from her the pain and suffering her past has caused me. I haven’t brought her past into her daily life, but it has been in mine and she has seen the suffering herself from time to time. Our recent more in depth discussion about my struggles over her past once again resulted in her confronting the reality of our situation and her response was a genuinely loving and remorseful one, which I certainly appreciated.

    In your case Malcolm, if I have understood correctly, your wife may not fully realise the extent of your pain as you have lovingly shielded her from the truth for most of your 40 years together. Perhaps your wife would think differently about her past if she was more aware of your struggles and therefore better understood the impact the past has had on you? I understand that associated discussions in the past may have lead to arguments and your wife dismissing it as in the past, before she met you and that you should get over it, so to speak. I suspect she doesn’t really understand the true and full impact her past has had on you, whereas my wife has come to understand that.

    So if your wife did happen to see the web page on your computer and had a chance to read through the posts and then subsequently became quiet that whole evening, it could be a helpful outcome for you, in that it may allow her to better understand the monumental pain you have gone through and thereby provide a conduit into being able to have more frank and open discussion about the enormity of the struggle you are going through that has arisen as a direct result of your love for your wife and her sexual past.

    I don’t think my wife would ever have said, nor felt as she does today, without her realising the extent of the damage her past has caused me. I cannot know, but I suspect your wife loves you more than you imagine Malcolm, and maybe if your wife can come to better understand the emotional and psychological damage her past has caused you, future discussions with her over her past may provide some degree of comfort to you too. I hope this can happen for you one day soon.

    I know that it has been a long road to get to truly see inside my wife’s heart in the impassioned way she spoke to me the other day, but it was very reassuring to hear her speak that way to me, but at the end of the day, it only happened because she could see with her own eyes the terrible damage that her past has done to the man she truly loves.

    Thanks again for your caring post Malcolm. I feel like you are closer to me than my own brother, who does not know any of my struggles. Take care.

  414. Lightpost says:

    Thank you for your very very nice words Brokenman. Both you and J are like brothers to me. I have never shared these thoughts and feelings with anyone else on earth except the people here and especially the both of you. The internet is an amazing tool. Both of my brothers are now deceased but even if that were not the case I doubt if I would have confided in them the deep seated agony I feel. I doubt they would be able to understand as well as you guys do. My older brother died before I met my wife. My younger brother did marry a virgin and they were both virgins on their wedding night but despite that their marriage did not last. Even if they were alive I just do not think they could comprehend this.

    You are both very perceptive. Since the very early days of our life together we have hardly ever discussed this. Early on in our relationship I could not get my wife to understand that I was the real deal. She tried many times to push me away and I think that was a defense mechanism to ensure her history did not repeat itself with me. I think that after 40 years she feels secure but I always felt…and often still do…..that she is comparing me. As you can appreciate that led to significant tension between us and usually ended in arguments but only early in our time together. So I learned to just keep what I feel under wraps. I never mention it. Maybe that is wrong.

    This situation is very complex. I know that if I bring this up…even very gently….it will rekindle all the hurt she must have felt…and the last thing…the absolute last thing I want to do is hurt her. It will also rekindle all the memories of him both good and bad. I have come to accept that despite what she has said she did have a good time sexually with him on many occasions. I can see no reason why she would not have enjoyed it very much…she loved the guy, he had asked her to marry him, he was her first and only lover at the time and everything was great until he found another virgin he liked better and left her. I know this was devastating to her. She is a very honest person and I know she must have found him telling her lies and sleeping with another woman while they were engaged to be absolutely abhorrent. I don’t know the timing of all this but I think he was screwing the other girl behind her back for several months and it was only as they were approaching their wedding day that he was forced to tell her. Quite a piece of work that guy. So along comes Mr.Integrity who promptly gets lumped in the same category as Mr. Scum Bag. Took me years to really convince her that I would never betray her….and God only knows I have been tempted. But I can say with all honesty that my wife is the only woman I have had sex with. Perhaps that too makes me a naive idiot in this so-called modern society in which we all live – who knows. The few women who know think it is strange…at least by their reaction when told. Maybe they don’t believe it…how could this successful guy not have slept with dozens of girls….but I have not.

    So if I tell her all of the hurt that I feel towards all of this I am just going to exacerbate the pain for her. She will know that not only did this guy cause her so much damage he also ruined my life and made me a mental shipwreck. So if it is a choice between not hurting her by keeping this from her or hurting me I think I have chosen the path of hurting me always. I take the bullet to protect her. But the cost to me psychologically has been immense. That is what makes it so tough. I cannot talk to her about it without causing her pain therefore she does not really know how I feel. Yet another Catch 22.

    I think I have to confront this with her though but then again I am so afraid of losing her as I know her solution would be to take herself out of my life to ease my pain. That is the sort of thing she would do. At least she would have done that years ago. Perhaps not now.

    Of course, that is exactly what I do not want to happen. So any suggestions as to how I can bring this up without triggering all these responses would be welcome. The trouble is of course that it will not change anything. It cannot restore her mental and physical virginity, it cannot turn back the clock so what would I achieve? My wife and my best friend would know that she cause me 40 years of pure purgatory. Would I feel any better?Well I don’t know the answer to that.

    Thanks my brothers. Always in my thoughts.


  415. Brokenman says:

    J, thanks for your kind words. I wanted to respond earlier, as we posted our last posts at almost the same time (and I only noticed your post after I had submitted mine), but I soon lost the privacy I needed to write – until now.
    What you say J makes a lot of sense. When it comes to believing my wife, I have always wanted to fully believe her, but I guess at the back of my mind, when I hear things that are very implausible, there is a degree of hesitancy to fully accept everything I hear her say to me. But I do believe she is by nature a very sincere person and I also know her honesty is something she values very, very greatly, so I don’t think she would very easily compromise on that …I may never know for sure though.

    As I mentioned in my post to Malcolm earlier, it touched my heart to hear my wife speak to me with such impassioned love and that felt super special for me. But my inescapable reality is that any departure from my daily mental torture is only temporary. My mind goes on remembering her with all those men and the resultant mind movies are so painful to bear. I sometimes I wish I had a physical memory loss – I think I would be much happier!

    Still, I am very appreciative of her recent impassioned expression of love to me and knowing that my wife loves me that much is a great gift and does lessen my suffering to some extent, so I am very thankful it happened.

    I think contending with any sexual past issues that causes the types of pain and raw emotions we each feel often makes communication between husband and wife very difficult, and can be extremely painful for both husband and wife to go through. Yet I also think it is crucial to really tapping into, and understanding, each spouse’s true thoughts and feelings. I think my discussions with my wife have been very painful and difficult, but have helped us better understand one another and in the process have brought us closer than we would otherwise be. The key for us was to have such discussions calmly, delicately and sensitively with one another – otherwise you run the risk of taking a step back, rather than a step forward …and I learned that lesson from past experience.

    But healing is another thing altogether… I still feel I need to endure some form of memory loss to find any peace with my struggles! I hope we can all find the answers we need to fully heal from this mess we are caught up in.

    Look after yourself J and know there are people here that care a hell of a lot about you and genuinely want to see you find happiness and joy in your life. And thanks again for your kind words and encouragement – I greatly appreciate it.

  416. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm, many thanks for your kind follow up note. It is clear to me that you love your wife very greatly, and have chosen to shield her by avoiding discussing her past, as the surrounding issues hurt her deeply and were not really her fault so to speak. That piece of scum practically left her at the Alter and I can fully understand how hard and punishing it would be for your wife to have to re-live those moments. You have a heart of gold and have sacrificed your happiness rather than introduce any pain or suffering to your wife. I get that and completely respect that too.

    I would nonetheless suggest having a chat to your psychologist/psychiatrist about the pros and cons of having a chat with your wife and in particular, how to approach it. Maybe if the focus is not on the painful events for her, but rather more specifically on how her sexual past has directly impacted you, she can still be shielded from the core pain you do not want her to re-live, while at the same time helping her build a better appreciation of your suffering. If those two objectives can be achieved, it may help you. But I completely understand the very delicate and sensitive nature of your circumstances and whatever course of action you take, I appreciate it will be far from easy.

    In my case, almost from the time I first found out, I couldn’t see my wife as innocent in what had happened. She had made a conscious decision to have casual sex with hose scum and in the process gave me, as her future husband, the torment I have endured until this time, albeit unintentionally.

    I have always wanted to shield my wife from unnecessary hurt, yet I know discussing her past hurts her immensely. That is why we have tended to avoid discussing it very much at all, other than at times where I was becoming overwhelmed with pain and suffering and felt the issue needed to be openly discussed towards hopefully being able to get some form of closure on it.

    I believe that in my wife’s case, the main cause of her hurt is knowing how much she has hurt me, and the resultant and surrounding shame and regret she has always told me she feels about it all. So for me personally, it has been comparatively easier to confront her and work through the horrendous revelations she made to me that long time ago now. I also anticipated that in confronting her with the reality of the ramifications of her past, I would either discover she was a woman who genuinely loved me (and cared for my struggles and feelings), or one who really couldn’t care all that much.

    I discovered she was a woman who I believe genuinely loves me and that is the conclusion I first came to accept during the first nine years together when we lived with one another out of wedlock. Without that acceptance on my part, I don’t think we would have been married . Despite that belief, I have never gotten over the pain and suffering created in my mind and heart when I think of her with those scum. It totally takes away all forms of happiness and joy from my life and yes, that’s a very raw deal when I brought a completely different set of moral values, principles and attitudes to love and sex into our relationship. It feels incredibly unjust and to this day, engenders all those feelings of grief, remorse, regret, anger, frustration and many others too. I have never been able to overcome the resultant misery and despair this brings.

    Let’s hope and pray that the times ahead will unravel the golden key we each need to eliminate the mental anguish and heartache we feel each day.

    I’m off to enjoy a cold one now …really wish you guys were here too so we could enjoy a few between us! Take the very best of care.

  417. J says:


    To answer to your question below:

    So any suggestions as to how I can bring this up without triggering all these responses would be welcome.

    My answer: You got me!

    I have been trying to figure it out myself. The problem is this, every time I bring it up she gets mad and the worst part is it puts those memories of him in her head. Good or bad and I believe both our wives have good and bad memories of these past jerks. I think for my wife she has good memories of the sex with him, very good, which she has admitted to me and than later tried and failed miserably to pretend she didn’t. My wife is not a good actor. I can always tell when she is lying.

    I know she was telling me the truth. In fact one morning while on the way to work back 7 months when all this was unfolding she started telling me about a night when they went to the club and they where both on X (which I have never done and she had never done before thet night nor since those times with him, yep that’s right the scum bub gave her X to heighten the all ready great sex experience he was going to give her, the son of bitch knew what he was doing, sucks to the max)anyway she was being completely honest, no hesitation in her voice, (when she is lying she says things like “you know what I mean” and “umm” but when she is telling the truth it flows with out and hesitation, trust me she was being honest)so she told me they got back from the club and the guy was on full force and he was throwing her around all different positions and banging her hard ending in her in reverse cowgirl. Then continuing having multiple orgasms all night as they went at till the wee hours in the morning. It broke my heart even though I did get excited as well. So when I dropped her off at work just before we pulled up she was actually made at me saying thanks for giving me wet panties.

    So I forgot where I was going with this but I have to get ready for work. I will finish my thought later when I get home.

    have a great day brother Malcolm and brother Broken man!

  418. Lightpost says:

    Hi J and Brokenman. Very much appreciate your insights. Each day I learn a little bit more about myself from you sharing your experiences with me. I have decided I will seek some psychiatric help as it may help me to approach her on it. You are right though because I conceal my hurt so well she probably does not have any idea how much and how deeply I am hurt by all this. I try to look at things objectively and I know that is not at all the way women look at affairs of the heart but analysing the facts is my way of understanding the truth rather than relying onb a womans interpretation of events. Yes Brokenman I do love my wife very much and the last thing I want to do is cause her unnecessary pain. I have also thought that one reason why she does not want to doiscuss it with me is that perhaps she does not want me to suffer any more so she keeps all her history to herself.

    Here is how I analysed events and came to my conclusions above. You might want to use the same logic for your situations. I made this comment earlier

    “I can see no reason why she would not have enjoyed it very much…she loved the guy, he had asked her to marry him, he was her first and only lover at the time…..”

    Question One: Did she love him?
    Facts: 1. This guy had gone out with her for two years. 2. He had asked her to marry him 3. They had bought an engagement ring. 4. She was working three jobs to save the deposit for a house. 5.They has set a date to marry each other.
    Analysis: Knowing my wife she would not have done any of that unless she really loved him. Those are all the activities of a woman in love.
    Conclusion: Yes she loved him.

    Question Two: Did she enjoy sex with him?
    Facts: 1. He was her first lover. 2. She was his first lover. 3. Those two facts create an irreversible and undoable bond between two human beings. 4. Neither he nor she forgets that first time. 5. She had sex regulalry with him. 6. She was using a uterine cap to prevent her getting pregnant…you don’t have one of those fitted unless you are screwing each other alot. 7. She had decided to go on birth control pill and just started taking them when we met….again you don’t do that unless you are screwing each other alot. 8. I see a wistfulness in her eyes sometimes when certain tunes play on the radio and I know she is rmembering sex with him. Those tunes have no memories for me so she is remembering sex with him.
    Conclusion: Yes she really enjoyed having sex with him and really wanted him to have her virginity. She has no regrets about that.

    Question Three: Does she remember sexual events with him
    Facts: 1. No woman forgets the day she loses her virginity therefore my wife remembers the day she lost hers, therefore she remembers at least one sexual event with him. 2. She has let slip (unintentionally when her guard is down and more than once) that she had oral sex with him. Therefore she remembers that event (or events) clearly. 3. She is not forthcoming about her sexual activities with him which indicates she has more to tell me than I know. 4. I see it in her eyes quite often that she is somewhere else in her mind when we have sex. She is thinking of his penis in her..not mine.
    Conclusion: She not only remembers but vividly remembers sexual activities with him.

    So it is very obvious now to me that she does not want to talk about it because she does not want me to know how much she loved him and how much she enjoyed sex with him and her total willingness to let him into her body for the first time.

    Perhaps that is to protect me from the true understanding that I am definitely the second best sexual partner in her life and that sex with me means much less than the sex she had with him.

    I don’t know your wife Brokenman and it sounds like she went through hell with her first husband that distorted her sexual outlook and led to the promiscuity she displayed later. But the facts are (in my honest opinion) that she liked what she did. Maybe regrets liking it but like it she did.

    I will write more later. God bless you both.


  419. J says:


    You say it like it is. I think your wife really does love you. That guy I believe lives in her mind but not nearly as much as you think. Yes she did enjoy sex with him and she did love him or she would not married him. I know you think she only married you because she was hurt and felt you were the best she ws gonna get. Well guess what you are the best she was EVER gonna get. You are a wonderful man. I never met you face to face but I can tell you are a top notch human being.

    Broken man you are on the same level as Malcolm, but you are also an amzing writer. You should be writing books my man. Hey theres an idea. I have always wanted to write a book. I have a tremendous amount of creativity as I am a graphic designer/art director.

    We should right a book about this stuff. A fiction though. Might make a great read.

    Anyway back to reality here. Malcolm I think your wife has probably forgot more than you tink about this guy and I am sure that if she was not madly in love with you when she married you that she has sure learned to love you since you seem so terrific I can’t imagine a woman taking you for granted but then again my wife takes me for granted lol and I feel pretty terrific too, lol.

    Getting help is probably a good thing but if they say it is going to take many sessions to get you on tract, walk the heck out, lol.

    I think your wife probably still dreams of him, yes and that sucks but it probably is not as bad as you think. Trust me there is probably a great chance your wife was not banged as hard as my wife was. I would be willing to bet anything on it. Luckily for me there is a side to me that enjoys that thought. I can’t imagine how you must feel just having the pain. The pain I feel is so bad that if I did not at least enjoy it somewhat I don’t know what I would do.

    Don’t get me wrong I have shed sooooo many tears after hearing this info and if I had a choice id wish it never happened. I can’t even make love to her no more. My penis don’t work with her. it is getting bad. I am freaking out. There is no a tremendous amount of pressure on my wife and I to cum. We both have started to real in and I cant hold an erection with her and she cant orgasim either now cause she thinks I don’t find her attractive, which I really do. I think I just feel so intimidated ot that I am not good enough to get the full sexual treatment she gave the other guy that I don’t want want anything. my penis is on strike so to speak.

    Anyway guy enjoy the best yo can the week end. I touch base tomorrow.

    Maybe we 3 should rent a home in Costa rica for a month, hire 10 super hot Costa Rican ladies and go nuts for a month and then come back to our wives feeling a little less cheated and a little more experienced HA HA. nah that’s probably not a good idea.

  420. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J…you always bring a smile to my face. Now Costa Rica…there is an idea. I have thought about doing something outlandish many times but could never bring myself to do it for real. It’s a good idea – and I think I would be better for more sexual experience. At least I could say I was as experienced or more so than her. Knowing me I would come back feeling guilty.

    I have the same problems with erections J. Just like BrokenMan with his video tapes of his wife and her lovers I have to mentally block out these thoughts otherwise it does not work. I will be OK for a while and then just a flying thought through my mind of him and her together and I am done.

    She does not know that is the reason but it happens just about every time. Nowadays I can put it down to age but on my own it works just like always – rock solid. It’s only with her that it happens. It is all in the mind I know.

    I think your wife did get it in more ways than mine but not 100% sure of that because she never talks about it like yours does. I am sure she thinks I have put it all behind me too but as you know from what I write here that isn’t the case.

    Yes, I am sure that the psych will charge me the earth…that is their job….but it would be worth every cent to be out of this pain. Trouble is I don’t think I can ever be rid of it. Like you and Brokenman we are trapped in a prison we made ourselves. We built our prisons because we love our wives.

    You are a really good guy J… really want to be with your wife always as I do but man the price we pay for that is very high.

    Have a great weekend my friend your thoughts and comments mean alot to me. I do not feel so alone now. It was a very lonely life for 40 years. This past week or two I have had no suicidal thoughts (for the first time in years) and I don’t get as depressed so often. When I do I just come here and write….it does me alot of good. I know this sounds odd but just knowing there are others out there with the exact same feelings as me is very therapuetic. I feel so bad for you knowing the pain you suffer but feel better in myself knowing it is not just me. That loneliness and isolation was driving me crazy.

    I REALLY like the book idea J…we have enough material here to write a series of novels. I wonder if we could write it and get published under a nom de plume? It could be the very relief valve we need.

    What do you think Brokenman….you are such an eloquent writer.

    All the best guys


  421. Brokenman says:

    J, Malcolm – sorry for brief reply but I was hospitalised very unexpectedly with abdominal pain. Feeling a lot better today but being kept here for further tests. I am typing on my mobile phone and can’t write very much now. I will be in touch when I get out – should be in next few days. Take care. Sorry again for such brief reply.

  422. J says:

    Brokenman you are in my prayers, feel better man, get well soon.

    Malcolm, Im all in on the book idea.

  423. J says:

    Welp, Broken man (hope you are feeling better) and Malcolm I think I finally have realized my wife will never love me like she loved this other guy. She will never love me on the level she loved him. She was willing to do ANYTHING for this guy. For me she has never really lifted a finger, I am always an after thought. I never realized it until she told me all this and even then it did not sink all the way in until tonight.

    Malcolm I think you feel the same way and I must say we both deserve a hell of a lot better than this. We deserve to be loved unconditionally and I now truly believe we were both played by our wives. As much as we love them and as much love as we feel for them they can not and never will feel the same way towards us and be able to return that love that we require. That makes me wonder is there a woman out there that can truly love me or you. I say yes, she is out there. I just don’t know if I would love her like I do my wife but I must say I am feeling like an idiot for loving this woman when it is clear she did not love me like she did her ex nor how I want to be loved.

    I am so hurt over this and I have only known about it for 7 months. I am incredibly grateful for the 23 years she gave me with out knowing this and before telling me this and I wish she never told me but deep down I am forever grateful she did because other wise I would have went to my grave thinking I was her only love and being an idiot and now I realize I wasn’t even in the ball park. There is a sense of peace knowing this now.

    Before I got this info I would have done anything for her. I would have certainly died if I lost her. But now she is just a mortal again, I don’t look at her the same way. She is just a woman now instead of a Goddess which I used to view her as. I am sad for her that she no longer holds that title in my head but how can I love a woman whom I know does not love me with all her mightas she did and maybe still secretly does.

    I feel so alone in this world except for you two fellows. I don’t know if I should continue on with her or make a clean break and move on.

    I know she is just using me, heck maybe I am using her now. It is just not the same and it never will be. My 3 beautiful kids would be devastated if we split and I don’t want to hurt them but I just don’t see myself as worthy of her love anymore nor do I want to be worthy of her love. I feel like telling her to get the hell out of my life but I know I would regret. Life is never boring I will tell you that.

    broken man I hope you are ok buddy, pleas let us know how you are doing.

    Have a great night guys.

  424. Lightpost says:

    I hope you are OK Brokenman and very sorry to hear you have physical pain on top of the mental pain you already are enduring. Get well soon. We miss your writing.

    J….Oh boy you summed up exactly how it is for me my friend. Right on the money. I guess the only difference is I went into this knowing but looking back I did not really know very much….some of it came out later. I put her on a pedestal, and just like you made her my goddess only to find out she was nothing of the sort. Just another woman. I always try to be kind to people (hard to believe you can do well in business being that way but it sure works for me). I never get angry unless I am double crossed. I think that is why there is a component of anger here in me because in a sense I have been double crossed by her.

    But your description above fits me to a “T”. I feel like an idiot too. And, you know, looking back I truly have been an idiot. How could I possibly have thought that a woman about to be married was still a virgin. I must have been out of my tree. Why did she not tell me on Day One? Why did she wait until I was hooked on her? Would it have even made a difference if she had? I do know I was very attracted to her the minute we met. Love at first sight…who knows.

    But I always have this sense of been played like a fool….I think you have the same vibes J. As you said before I think many (not all) younger women love the thrill of getting power drilled by a stud but know that those guys are never going to take care of them or love them the way guys like us will. Hump and dump….they get a sense of excitement from that.

    My kids are grown up now so letting her go is easier for me in the sense it would not affect them as much but I am sure they would not like it. I put up this veneer of success and happiness but – well – only you guys know the cauldron that bubbles underneath it all.

    The choices remain the same….love it or leave it. But I sure do have that same feeling of being played like a sucker.

    Trying to figure out how to make the book idea work. Wouldn’t that be something. Three guys writing a book who never met getting on the New York Times best sellers list!!!

    All the best


  425. J says:

    Broken man how are you.

    Hey Malcolm, yea I am going to put some thought into this book idea as well for us. I think the three of us would certainly be passionate about our writings and that is always the first ingredient to a successful endeavor.

    I am so glad to have met you and Brocken man, I don’t know where I would be with out you guys. I know before I met you I was all bottled up inside and had no one I could talk to about this and I felt I was going to let it out at the wrong time and wrong place. Luckily for me I was able to let off steam from talking with you guys and I am forever grateful. I would love to do something with you guys if we can put it together. I trust you blindly!

    Have a great day fellows.

  426. Lightpost says:

    Sorry I have been off line for a few days. My Mom has been ill.

    Hope all is well with you J and Brokenman as well as all the other hurting souls here. This past week has seen the usual daily mental anguish. I even had a dream about it so I cannot even escape from the torture when I go to sleep. Just about everything triggers these thoughts. Cannot even kiss her without thinking of his member in her mouth.

    I have taken Brokenman’s advice and started to look into getting some psycholgical help with this before I go completely nuts. I went though all of Jennifers suggestions in her article but in my case what I am feeling is more deep seated than jealousy. I have realised from reading all of your posts here that taking on or trying to accept someones sexual past is far, far more difficult than I ever imagined. For me it has resulted in a life time of pain and torment. Over 40 years of it.

    Like Brokenman I thought, being the tolerant type of person I am, that I could learn to accept it. I overestimated my capacity for acceptance by a long, long way.

    The best advice I can give to anyone embarking on a relationship with someone having a sexual past is think very, very carefully about it. Even if you are in love with this person very much you are almost certain to underestimate the severe pain and anguish this will cause you in later years. In fact being in love blinds you to the subsequent pain you will always feel.

    My assumptions about my level of tolerance and acceptance of my wifes sexual past were wrong….very wrong. Any one who thinks this gets easier with time is deluding themselves. I can only speak for me of course but after 40 years of this it has got no easier or less painful to accept….worse in fact.

    What I am faced with is having to accept that the bond she created with her fiance by giving him her virginity is unbreakable and unforgettable for both him and her. She will never forget her first time with him and he will never forget his first time with her. That is the way it is. There is no way to sugar coat it. There is no way to change it.

    I will always be the second guy…the runner up. However much she says it is all in the past it is not. Not for her and not for me.

    For those intending to go down this path please take time to think about what it will mean to you when you are 30, 40, 50, 60 and you realise you cannot change the past. No amount of talking will change the facts.

    I think if I had my time over again I would have ended the relationship before I got too far into it and looked for someone who valued their virginity and the unbreakable psychological and physiological bonding that is established between a man and a woman at that moment. It was a huge mistake to do what I did.

    To any young people reading this…if you are the person with the sexual history….realise the huge psychological damage you have already done to your partner. They may not tell you…but it is there for sure. If you are the person without a sexual past…keep it that way and find someone like you. You will live a much happier much more stable life free of the pain and anguish that sexual baggage inevitably brings.

    Take care all.


  427. J says:

    Hey Malcolm,

    Yea I’m feeling really bad too. I have completely stopped having sex with my wife. She just wont let me touch her and it’s cause she is afraid I wont get it up. I am afraid too now.

    For me you have to remember, all this time I was married to her I thought I was her number 1. All my great and awesome memories of us and there were so many are now completely shattered after she told me flat out that this other guy was waaay better in bed than I. She still gets wet when she talked about him. Of course now she wont breath a word of it to me but I remember what she said clear as day and I don’t think I will ever forget. I still remember her delivery and expression on her reluctant face.

    Note: she wasn’t telling me to be mean but rather I was telling her I wanted to hear everything and she reluctantly obliged. I hate that I am throwing it back in her face now, repaying her honestly in such a negative way. I know she regrets telling me. She has been depressed and has put on some weight. She has lost her motivation as she was an every day runner and now has stopped running.

    I feel horrible I opened this can of worms. I ruined our precious relationship that once was so beautiful. There is no trust between us now. I don’t trust that she loved me when she married me but now believe she was just securing second best since the guy she really loved probably more likely than not dumped her and now she don’t trust me that I can love her now knowing all this because of the way I reacted when she told me. I made her feel like slut and all the poor girl was doing was opening up to me and telling me what really happened. I feel like such a heal but I just can’t get it out of my head and I just don’t think I will ever feel the same way about her as I once did.

    We are going throw a very tough transition and I don’t know if we can rekindle the fire that once shown so bright. I am starting to think there is nothing that can be done. I feel like I am forcing everything now. Nothing feels smooth or easy like it used to. Sometimes I just sit on the couch and don’t even watch tv, I just sit there and ponder everything. It is all I think about now going on 8 months since hearing this. I am exhausted, I really need to take a vacation but cant afford to miss work nor could I get time off as my job has a great amount of responsibility and with out me they would be in trouble. I just need to get away by myself and just clear my head for a week or so, but that will never happen.

    Well that’s enough complaining for one night. Glad to hear from you Malcolm. I hope broken man is ok, he has not posted in a while and last he spoke of being in the hospital. I pray he is ok.

    Have a good night Malcolm!

  428. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J. I guess there is always Viagra to help you out but I do know exactly what you mean. How can you get turned on with all these thoughts flying around in your head. I have precisely the same problem. I just try and avoid it now. I can just put it down to old age but she knows something more is wrong.

    Women are very complex…more so than men I think. Just my ten cents but I think your wife is now realising the damage she has done to you both.That explains the loss of interest in keeping herself in shape. Secretly I thinks she is ashamed of what she did with the other guy. She knows you can never see her the same way any more. That is not to say she did not enjoy what she did…I am quite sure that she did otherwise it would never have happened. Just like my wife….I know full well she enjoyed sex with him and she has no regrets. That is why she does not want to talk about it with me and just puts it in a compartment all tied up with a nice neat bow. It is a mental box she opens up only when I am not around to get herself aroused. Women do that. Same reason they read romance novels…I’ll bet your wife reads those. I think it is a coping mechanism to help them get through their day knowing that what they did wrecked the lives of the people they really love.

    But I know my wife has no regrets about what she did and does not much care how much hurt she has caused me.

    All the best J. Find some time for a holiday man….we are all dead a long time not to enjoy life while we are here.

    I keep thinking of your idea for Costa Rica and 10 hot women…gets more appealing each day.

    All the best J.


  429. Lightpost says:

    I was thinking J – a bad thing to do no doubt – but it just amazes me how much you and I and Brokenman have in common. Don’t know who you guys are, where you live or anything at all about you but I feel like your my brothers. I have shared thoughts and feelings here that I never shared with another living soul. You have helped me through some difficult weeks and it feels so good to get some of this torment off my chest.
    Not in the writing mood tonight but just wanted to let you know your friendship here is priceless beyond measure. I think I would not be here now were it not for you guys…I was in a very very dark place a few weeks ago. A strange thing has occurred in recent weeks. Now when I play those daily videos I think of the two of you and what you are going through. Somehow knowing there are others that share this pain makes the burden much easier to handle. I wish you did not have this problem but knowing you guys are out there means alot. I wonder how Harmony is doing and all the others looking for answers here.
    Take care all of you. Some day we will all find our way out.

  430. Zoya says:

    Hi Jennifer,

    I am in a relationship now and we do love each other alot. But from the day, when I have told him abt my past, he is very much tensed with all those things..he keeps on asking questions abt my past..he is unable to forget my past and is affecting his health..which is the worst part.

    I love him and i can’t see him like this..Can you please suggest me, how can I help him eradicate all those feelings and i want everything to be perfect as it was before. We are about to get married, but before that we want this feeling to go away.

  431. J says:

    Zoya, Listen to me, ok. This is coming from a man who feels the same way about his wife. My wife told me a little about her past and I freaked out started crying and was very emotional. So my wife backed up and started to hold everything in. Now it is driving me crazy that she won’t tell me.

    MY ADVICE to you Zoya, if he is asking then tell him. It is the ONLY way to get past this. If you open up to him and tell him with honesty and love and then assure him you love him now it will hurt at first but he will be able to heal much quicker. You locking up your past and throwing away the key will only make him think of it much more and it will grow every day like a bad virus.

    Please trust me when I say if he is asking then tell him. it will actually ease his pain knowing you are willing to trust him with this information and I know you are putting yourself out there but other wise this relationship will most likely be doomed cause he will never be happy pondering thoughts and he will never trust you if you don’t take this opportunity to be honest with him. Tell him what he wants to hear then he can dissolve it on his own and it wont seem that bad as time goes on otherwise he will think of it daily/hourly/minutly.

    Hope this helps you.



    You are my brother too. I have more to say to you but I am running late to work. I’ll finish my thoughts later tonight when I get home buddy. You have been a huge help to me too.

  432. Lightpost says:

    Thanks for writing Zoya, J and I have been writing here for a few weeks and I echo what he says. You have to be completely open and honest with him and answer all the questions he asks. My wife has locked up her past and thrown away the key. I know some things but after 40 plus years together it does not get any easier for me. You are creating mental torture for the man. He loves you but knows that you shared your body with others…it is really really difficult for a man to accept that. I have not even after all these years. I can never forget. That is why he behaves strangely…he is not sure whether he can live with this for the rest of his life. It will really stress your marriage to breaking point if you are not completely open and honest with him. My wife gave her virginity to another man before me. I love her with all my heart but the pain she has caused me by doing that never ever goes away.
    Neither you nor he can change the past. What is done is done. All you can shape is the future. Please read the posts of Brokenman above. His wife told him everything that happened. It does clear the air. In my case I so wish my wife would just tell me once that she wished it had been me that was her first…but she never does so I must assume she is pleased the way it is…and that hurts…it really hurts – even after 40 years.

    I always feel as though I am the second best…the runner up in her sex life. Her former lover got all the prizes…I picked up all the heart ache and pain…for being a good man. I can imagine your fiance is going through much the same. I don’t think you truly know how much your past sexual life is hurting him.

    I do hope you find a way out. I have not…except this site…found any way to relieve what I feel deep down in my soul which is complete and utter sadness.

  433. Lightpost says:

    Just a few more thoughts from a man who has many years of experience trying to deal with this. I am not sure that your fiance has any sexual history. In my case my wife is the only woman I have ever loved and had sex with. While it may seem unusual (it probably is) that is the absolute honest truth. I have always been true to her and never deviated once in all those years although I have been tempted many times. So, as you can guess she had my virginity – someone else had hers. There is not a day goes by that I do not think about it…every single day for 40 years. My wife takes the view that I should not be hurt by it because it was “before my time”…which is her way of not talking about things. That just makes it worse for me of course.

    As I said above neither you nor I can change the past. What is done is done. You will always have memories of your first time and I am sure you will remember that more vividly and accurately than you remember your first time with your fiance. It is just the way it is. Your boyfriend knows that too…..that is why he reacts the way he does.

    You have only two options left. One is to tell him everything or be open to any questions he may ask….it is hard for me even to ask the questions because it upsets me so much. The other is to say nothing, lock it all away and leave things to his imagination. Imagination will amplify things and make matters worse. Having told him, unfortunately you cannot untell him so he must live with this for the rest of his days.

    I hope that helps Zoya.I read Jennifers article above many times and I can say for sure that jealousy is not what I feel in my heart. It is regret…I often wonder what I was doing the night they made love for the first time. It is sadness….that she could give herself away like that without much of a thought. It is hurt…that she does not want to tell me much…except what she had to because I would have found out sooner or later that she had already had sex.

    If you leave it to his imagination he will replay images in his mind for years and years to come. As I said in some of my earlier posts here every time we have sex I replay images in my mind of her with her former lover…sometimes I just cannot do it as it is so powerful a turn off for me.

    I do not know you or your man so all I can do is relate my feelings and how it has affected me. Before I found this site I had not talked about it to a single soul…no-one. I have kept it bottled up inside for all those years….and all I can say it has been a journey of mental torture. You cannot make it like it was before you told him…that is impossible now. That Genie is out of the bottle. All you can do now is be open and honest with him and hope he understands and loves you enough to carry on with you.

    The options he now has are giving up on the woman he loves or living with your sexual past for your entire married life. It is one helluva choice to have to make.

    My choice was to live with it but had I known then just how much pain it would cause me I most certainly would have made a different decision. But I am not him and really this is between the two of you and openness and honesty and your love is really all you have left to give him.


  434. Brokenman says:

    I’m back home from hospital, at least for a while. At the moment, my arms and legs are covered with needle holes, as I have been soaked for many days with every known flavour of intravenously delivered antibiotic plus other painkilling drugs etc… I was lucky enough to get allocated a nice private room in a modern and comfortable hospital, but it was super hard to get much rest there. However, the professional care received was excellent and I can’t speak highly enough of the doctors and nursing staff – they have been wonderful.

    I was in some physical pain for a while, but the real sad part is that by far the worst of it for me was those many lonely hours spent reflecting on when I first met my wife and how deeply I fell in love with her …and the absolutely sickening thoughts of her having casual, unprotected sex with other men at that same time – without my having a clue about it. While in hospital, I took my intravenous drip stand with me and locked myself in the ensuite bathroom and shed a lot of tears, while running the tap so the nurses couldn’t overhear my crying. The truth is I am impacted so very deeply by my wife’s past, I simply don’t think I can ever get over the shock of first finding out what really happened back in those times …and my absolute failure to see the situation for what it really was.

    Most who know me personally would say God gifted me a very capable mind, but I have to say, I was an absolute idiot to not have seen the situation for what it really was. I think love definitely does blind you. In my case, I was completely blind. I believe my wife has some serious regret over those times. But I believe her regret comes from having seen for herself how her past torments me, rather than for what she actually experienced. Malcolm, you are absolutely right… our wives enjoyed the sex they had before we came along. We would each like to feel that we are their one and only, but that can never be for us. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but nothing can ever change that.

    Despite portraying it differently to me, I am convinced my wife was practically addicted to casual sex back in those times and never thought of the impact it would have on her future husband (me). Her choices back then have effectively destroyed me and my ability to ever be truly happy with her and with my life overall. Even if I can block out thoughts of her with other men during our intimate times together, those thoughts come back to haunt me, time and time again, every single day of my miserable life. They are soul destroying thoughts that continually tear away at the heart strings. It feels so extremely unjust and unfair.

    My wife may love me today, but my memories and thoughts of her with those scum destroy any possibility of experiencing enduring happiness with her. By having fallen in love with her as I did, I effectively got a life sentence for something I did not do, other than to love a woman who was extremely promiscuous when I first met her …but I only understood this fact after we were already together and deeply in love with each other… and by then it was too late.

    With what transpired all those years ago, and loving my wife throughout as I have always done, there is one inescapable truth… I can’t ever really be happy with my wife …and I can’t ever really be happy without her either. What an absolute mess… it’s no wonder I have so many suicidal thoughts.

    Since returning from hospital, I have spoken further to my wife about all of this. We each acknowledge our deep love for one another, but we each believe that our marriage is deeply damaged and although neither of us really want a divorce after around 27 years together, we recognize that divorce may end up being the only practical solution to be able to move forward towards some semblance of happiness. That’s extremely sad, as we love one another deeply …but I can’t handle the torment of her past and how we came to be together and she can’t handle the thought of the person she once was and seeing my pain and the thought of what I must think of her and what she did back then.

    Zoya, both Malcolm and J provide very wise counsel. I have loved my wife for approx 27 years now and have never gotten over her sexual past. I don’t think I will ever be free of the pain those thoughts bring. Those thoughts literally take away my ability to be truly happy with her. Everyone is different, but for many people, there is no easy answer to coping with such matters. I hope you and your partner find a solution that works for you.

    Malcolm and J – you are each always in my heart – you are my brothers to me, maybe more… my own brother has no idea of my struggles. You each do. I also feel your pain and my heart aches for each of you and your struggles. I so much wish I possessed the power to heal your heartaches! We may never have met, but I know you guys are each blessed with a very special heart of gold. If only the world were filled with people like you! I wholeheartedly can’t thank you enough for the time and effort you have put in here sharing your pains, imparting your wisdom and helping me cope with my tormented mind and the deep agony I feel in my heart. I am sure your wise and insightful posts have helped many others too.

    I love the Costa Rica thoughts …and the book. For me, right now, I can’t see much beyond the next day. I feel ruined. I feel alone. I’m in a bad way. Probably the lowest low I have ever felt. Despite my best attempts to conceal my pain, I know even my kids can see their Dad is deeply tormented in thought and heartache at times. I hope and pray that the days ahead improve this horrible suite of feelings I am experiencing …as it does make me seriously contemplate checking out …but then I think of my wonderful kids and not being there for them. The Man upstairs knows how much pain I feel over my wife’s past. I will soon have to go back to hospital for some further treatment. Who knows, perhaps I will be taken then? I must be coming across as quite depressed. The truth is, I am very depressed and time spent alone is never helpful as my mind tends to resurrect many dark and painful thoughts of times gone by. As with Malcolm, I agree that writing here can be very therapeutic.

    Apart from actually checking out of this world, the only way to ever remove this depression is either to get Alzheimer’s, suffer a physical impairment to my memory in my brain, discover a way to travel back in time to change things (impossible unfortunately), leave my wife and find someone else and fall madly in love with this new woman and vice-versa (hard to do when you actually deeply love your wife), or awaken the next day to a brand new existence (never seems to happen though!).

    It’s hard to believe I let myself get into this mess! Today is definitely not my best day …I am off to get a cold one now …very much wish I could share a few with my bros here. And please remember, if I am not posting much here, it will be because either my situation doesn’t enable me to do so, or I don’t have the needed privacy. Please always know you each hold a special place in my mind and in my heart and in my prayers. God Bless!

  435. Lightpost says:

    Brokenman I read your post with a heavy heart, tears in my eyes and a big lump in my throat. What you wrote is me. I know only too well those feelings of utter helplessness. Time spent alone anywhere is a psychological disaster for me so I avoid it like the plague. How many times have I cried alone in the bathrooms of the world unable to share my pain with anyone. It could quite easily have been me writing those words as they so accurately describe how I feel.
    The quality and insightfulness of your writing makes it clear this is coming from a brilliant mind. You have put into words such an accurate description of how I feel it is so uncanny. If I could describe myself right now it ypur post above says it all and I know that only someone feeling this same pain could write it.

    Please don’t check yourself out Brokenman…I have thought about it many many times, tried a few times, but realise that, while it would free me of the pain, it would inflict irreparable damage on my children and granddaughter as well as my wife. Perhaps our wives deserve the pain but our children do not. None of this is their fault….and being without a father to counsel them through their own tough times ahead is rough justice indeed. But I do so very much appreciate and understand the depths of your despair. The world needs more compassionate and loving men like yourself – not less.

    If, for no other reason Brokenman you need to stick around as your value and inspiration to this old man is beyond measure.I am sure J feels the same way. I look forward to what you write and cannot imagine life without being able to read your words.

    I sincerely hope that you recover from whatever ails you. I have thought very deeply about what you said and I think, as much as I do not like it, the only real option is for my wife and I to call it quits. As I have said before I likely would not have become so deeply involved with this woman had I know the lifetime of pain and anguish it would cause me and the complete loneliness of it all. I would (and should) have waited for the woman I really wanted and unfortunately that is not my wife.

    We have to face the fact that our wives enjoyed what they did, would probably do it all over again if they had the chance and to them any pain they have caused us is just collateral damage for their sexual escapades and a young life enjoyed to the full. After all – they feel none of the pain we do. At least yours shows some remorse. Mine shows none.

    So here I am faced with finding someone else. But I feel it is my only option now.

    Wish I could down a cold one with you right now.


  436. J says:

    Brokenman, I’m so very glad to hear from you buddy, I was really starting to worry. Malcolm and broken man, I know we suffer greatly about our wives’ past. I do think our wives enjoyed there past sexual experiences, in my cause I know for sure.

    My wife told me and I know she was being honest. I even seen it first hand. Not to sound crude here but I remember when my wife was telling me all this, that night when we were about to make love I noticed her vagina was a lot wetter than normal. I never seen it that wet before, how sad is that. She did tell me he made her very wet, he was a great dancer and was great in bed, he really pounded her and she made these moans when she was describing it to me. He was a model, and i could hear the excitement in her voice and she was breathing a little harder when she talked about it. oh and did I mention this dude was packing some serious heat, sucks man.

    So now all I do is think about it day and night. Keep in mind I just learned this info 7 months ago after 26 years together I found this all out just 7 months ago. To say it rocked my world would be saying it lightly.

    I some times catch myself calling her a whore to myself under my breath or in my mind, never to her face. I hate that I feel this way but I am so thankful for her not telling me till now. I am so glad I was lucky enough to get those 26 years thinking I was the man, I am a shell of what I used to be and like you Brokenman my kids have noticed a change in my happiness level so has everyone who knows me. I am slowly dealing with this pain and I have cried so many times since hearing this. At work all I do is listen to 70 light rock songs and I’ll just start tearing up at any given moment right there at my desk. I keep telling myself things will be ok but they don’t seem to be getting better, then I cant imagine myself with out her, its up and down.

    I am just praying that all this happened for some grander reason, maybe to make me wiser or to be able to help others better or one of my more favorable thoughts maybe to bring the three of us together so we can do something really amazing.

    Broken man like Malcolm says you have a tremendous mind and your ability to describe your feelings in words is truly amazing, not that Malcolm or myself are too shabby, but you are on a different level. Malcolm you have a sensitivity about you that is unmatched. Your heart is felt in everything you talk about. You must be a very passionate person and I like to think I have a great ability to see things that other don’t see right away.

    Maybe the three of us should consider this costa rica thing a little more ha ha, and definitely the book thing. Maybe we right about something fictional to get our minds off of our daily bad thoughts. I am a graphic designer so I can do all the layouts, advertising and such.

    I play a lot of fantasy football which has always been an escape for me the past 8 years and cant wait till the season starts to get my mind focused on something other than my wife and her ex wonder lover for a while. Id like to see what else we have in common. I was a good athlete back in my day did you guys play any sports? I have a great love for the 70’s even though I am in my mid 40s. I also love watching movies and footballs.

    Would love to have beer with you guys or heck a lot of beers and shots too.

  437. Lightpost says:

    Thanks J. You are right I am a very passionate person and I write from the heart. As a business man you have to suppress all that behind the expected hard nosed macho image but I am not at all that person….just a good actor I suppose. It’s a good protection mechanism as well….but the people close to me know what I am really like.

    All this just hurts me so much. I always try to do the right thing but it seems the more I try the more I get hurt. I see all the backstabbing that goes on in business, the backroom deals everyone trying to scratch their way to the top at the expense of others. The career climbers (women are THE worst) that would do anything to get the couple of bucks an hour promotion. The days of working hard to build a business are gone.

    I did play soccer (football in the UK) years back. I was never much good at it though. Played cricket as well. Spent most of my younger days with my head stuck in books so never had much time to take part in sports. Like to watch baseball but not much into hockey although I do watch the occasional game. I like swimming but only learned how to do it at 32…nevertheless quite good at it and I have a very fast back stroke.

    Try to avoid most movies except comedies as just about all of them involve sex in some form or another and you know all the bas things that triggers. So I am very selective in what I watch but do like going to the movies if the right show is on.

    Single malt scotch is my favorite drink and have quite a good collection of them which I like to sample from time to time.

    I love to travel and have been all over the world on business and for pleasure. Not been to Africa much but all the other continents. Favourite cities are Vancouver, Sydney, Perth (except for the taxi drivers) and Singapore.

    And of course I have a bit of a passion for fast cars…especially Italian cars but have a Jaguar XF aswell.

    Would love to have a few beers and a few shots J. I must admit I use alcohol to drown out my feelings often but I need to be careful with it as do you as it can really get hold of you and take you down. So all things in moderation.

    Costa Rica sounds like it would be good therapy for us all. I know I would feel guilty afterwards but I think it might be what we all need.

    Take care my friend and get well soon Brokenman. Wrtite when you have some time a privacy.


  438. J says:

    Your first paragraph sounds very much like me as well.

    “Thanks J. You are right I am a very passionate person and I write from the heart. As a business man you have to suppress all that behind the expected hard nosed macho image but I am not at all that person….just a good actor I suppose. It’s a good protection mechanism as well….but the people close to me know what I am really like.”

    At fist glance I look like a wwf wrestler or something. At work I often develop phone relationships with people whom I do work for but have not meet. When they finally meet me they cant believe it. They say I sound so friendly and would never imagine I have an NFL body, lol. I can be very intimidating looking but honestly I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I try to avoid conflict at all costs, lol. Thankfully because I am large I don’t have too many run ins but deep down I am a big wussy.

    Anyways, you guys have a great day, hang tough and all that jazz, your buddy J is thinking of yous.

  439. Anonymous says:

    Malcolm and broken man, its al clear to me now. I knew I would figure this out. I know why our wives don’t want to tell us about their past. I also know why we weep so much about them. I hate to say this because it is gonna hurt but I light went off in my head and I have to share it with you guys, plus I am not gonna sugar coat anything since I certainly don’t want you guys to sugar coat for me.

    I believe I can prove with out a shadow of a doubt that our wives are not deserving of our love, but rather just con artists, users so to speak.

    Does your wife get mad easily, does she seem to NOT want to do anything special for you, does it seem you are the one her loves her way more and are you the one that showers her with affection but hardly receives any back. Does your wife have no friends or hardly any ans doesn’t like you having friends but tries to shut you in.

    I believe our wives are scum bags, I hate to say it like that but it dawned on me that in my past I have always been taken advantage of, even with my friends and school mates. I was always suckered. I was a big sucker most of my life and then I got tougher but I believe my wife was able to fool me. I believe we were are easy marks and our wives possessed a users quality found in well users of the world. They found a guy they knew they could push over and settled for us.

    I do think my wife loved me at first before we split up and she meet this guy but that could have been cause she seen me as an easy mark even back then. And after our split it was never the same anyway. I think our wives may have been using us our whole lives.

    They always say there are two types of people, the hammer and the nail.

    Maybe I am way off here, I kind of hope so, but let me ask you guys a question.

    If you knew your wife gave her past lover a deep throat but refused to do it for you what you make of that. is that something that’s normal for a woman who claims to love you? Not that I feel entitled but I mean I kind of do.

  440. J says:

    I forgot to add I also feel they don’t want to tell us about the pat because they are deathly afraid we will find out they never loved us like that.

  441. J says:

    oh that anonymous message was from me I forget o put the name in there

  442. J says:

    Hey guys, sorry if my earlier post seemed harsh but I was feeling that way this morning then I found this post by someone on another site and it made me think hmmmm. He was answering a guy who was in a very similar situation as I am in, where he had recently found out his wife had a threesome with her ex and did some other stuff to the ex that she never did and wont do to him the husband. This post is what some one said to the husband whom was considering divorce:

    POST: You’re about to make one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

    Two years ago I was dating two girls at once. One I met on Fetlife. When we hung out, I’d blindfold her, ravage her, etc. If we contained to hang out, I’d probably have shared her with my guy friends, and possibly had a mff threesome with a female friend/ex of mine.

    The other girl I met in a more innocent fashion. And things happened really slow – she was fairly innocent and maybe a bit prude. And we just had an amazing connection and I really fell for her.

    Now, I did like the first girl – she was smart, nice, and pretty. And I rather enjoyed choking her with my junk, or the idea of sharing her with friends like a piece of meat. And she enjoyed that too.

    But the very idea of doing those same things with girl two was repulsive. I wanted to cuddle with her on a couch, and after a dozen kisses on her neck move slowly down her body until neither of us were paying attention to the movie but rather were totally enveloped with each other. I saw her as an equal partner I was madly in love with, not someone to dominate. And incidentally, she was the first and so far only girl I’ve ever seriously thought of marrying.

    The very idea that she would have wanted to leave me because I didn’t want to tie her up and throat fuck her instead of really and truly making love? That idea saddens me deeply, and it’d be a tragedy if you resented your wife for loving you in a way she likely did not her ex.

    I can have kinky sex with anyone given a mutual amicability. But I can count on one hand the people that have opened me up enough to delight in “vanilla” sex (I loathe that term). Because when I really care about someone so much that I literally want to be joined to them and feel joined to them, the pomp and circumstance of kink gets in the way from something incredibly pure and euphoric.

    Be certain that the latter description of sex was something you never had with her before you decide to leave (or resent) her for lack of the former.

  443. J says:

    Welp then I just read this post and it makes sense too –

    I think it all breaks down to that she lied and is unwilling to communicate why part. That’s much a much bigger problem than I don’t want to do X with you.

    I could talk to my wife about literally anything, we do not keep secrets from each other.

    Trying to hide the way you feel from your partner (especially if they outright ask) just suggests to them that how you actually feel would hurt them so you don’t want to share it. However, doing this is just as if not more hurtful then telling them, as their brain is going to tend to insert a worst case scenario in place of the truth.

    This is the kind of thing the inserts an insidious rot into a relationship. It will continue to build up under the surface until it becomes all consuming. The only way to combat this is to be open, lay your cards on the table, and work from there.

  444. J says:

    And now I am back where I started because I just ead this and it makes the most sence. OK Ill stop posting now.

    He’s not making a mistake. Your post is naive and romantic, but it’s bullshit — there’s nothing more special about sharing vanilla sex than kinky sex; the problem isn’t even that she won’t engage in kinky sex, it’s that she lied and views her husband as less than her previous flings.

    Also, your views on BDSM are hella unhealthy. If you need to look down on someone to dominate them, you probably shouldn’t dom anyone.

  445. Lightpost says:

    Wow that was a bit of a mouthful so to speak J. I don’t think I could date two women at the same time…he’s a braver man than I for sure. But I do get that vibe that I am being taken for a sucker. I did not when we were first married but as time has gone by I think that when her previous relationship did not end in marriage she felt that I would do the job. I had the nice car the good job and the education and all that but a lover….for her I am in the category of “will do the job”. I have never felt she is really head over heels in love with me. But I know she was with him.

    I often find she is quite cold in bed and I get the feeling she is somewhere else….with someone else when we make love. Her mind is not with me. I have always felt that all of our married life so I know that I am the runner up in her love life. In fact not even sure I am that. Just the idiot that decided to look after her for the rest of my life. Looking back our relationship has been very one sided. I do all the giving and I have very little to show for it.

    You know thinking about your post J…there is no passion in our relationship it is all blah blah blah. She will not have sex with me when there is anyone in the house (which is never) and that is one of many many excuses she has given me over the years. Periods, headaches…you name it. I think I ought to have know along time ago that she really does not love me like I love her. I think I do now.

    I know now I have just been used.

    A sad state of affairs really.


  446. J says:

    Yea Malcolm,

    Ive heard all those same excuses buddy. My Gosh the periods. Sometimes I could have sworn she got her periods twice a month. Excuse after excuse. My relationship has been one sided. Me kissing her butt, she never caters to me wont even get me anything out of the fridge, acts like even the littlest things she can do for me are a huge chore.

    Meanwhile she asks the world of me and I am the butt of all her jokes. I know for sure you and I are being used. We are not being the way we should be, quite frankly we are being cheated because we are to nice and feel in love with the first thing that made us feel something.

    I now feel for sure we are like you said “Mr will do the job”. We have not been loved like we should have. Maybe it was in the stars to be that way. I have always felt we were meant to be her and I but sometime I wonder these days. She is a user and I am a sucker. Maybe leaving them is not the best option but I AM STARTING TO WONDER IF MAYBE IT IS.

    She is all I know and I don’t take change very well. Maybe I will just stay with her but my eyes are now open!

  447. Brokenman says:

    Malcolm and J – I completely agree with you – we are all suckers. We have been sucked in totally. Yes, our situations are each a little different, but the underlying reality is that we each deserve better… no, not just better, but a whole lot better …and we know it. There is only one catch to this – we truly love our wives, but as I see it, they don’t truly love us – at least not in the full and complete way we know we deserve to be loved.

    I think our wives have duped us in their own crafty way. Our situations may each be a little different, but I think we are each innocent victims in this often cruel game of love. In opening up our hearts to our wives, we became easy targets. The safe and respectable men who would be there to reliably provide them with all needed material comforts. But did any of our wives ever really love us as we have loved them? I cannot speak for each of you, but my wife most certainly did not. I suspect we’re each in the same boat. It’s probably a little bit different for each of us, but we are nonetheless each victims in our own way in what I call the “love of convenience”.

    We are (and have been) loved when it is convenient for them. But what about when things were (or are) a little more difficult and loving us is not so convenient? What has happened, or happens, then? I know that in my case, I have (mostly) only ever been loved when it was convenient for her. That falls way short of the love I have given my wife, and way short of the love I know I need to receive from her to truly be happy. I have always loved my wife, whether it has been convenient or not. She has not. And that is the truth of the matter. Let me explain what I mean by this… and then assess whether this convenience principle may possibly also apply (in some shape or form) to you and your situation…

    In my case, I know my wife really liked me a hell of a lot after we had met. She was extremely flirty with me and I reciprocated. The problem was that initially we were always in group situations and never got alone time together. It was frustrating, but there really was no way to avoid it at the time. But I always felt she was mine for the taking – I just needed the right moment to get alone time with her. I remember a very attractive Canadian lady that was part of our group too and a very close friend of my wife’s. This other lady seemed to almost drool over me and pursued me with a lot of vigour, but I had absolutely no feelings for her at all. She would have been very convenient and I know I could have screwed her blind if I had wanted to. But my heart belonged to my wife and I was not interested in pursuing this other lady – not even in the slightest. I always wondered if my wife decided in her mind that her friend had right of way with me before her. The fact is that I was only interested in my wife and made that fact very clear to my wife, without hurting this other woman’s feelings. The fact is that to my wife, I was inconvenient to love under these circumstances. But I never touched, or flirted, with this other woman in any way. Instead, I was just myself – courteous and respectful – no more and no less.

    I just never imagined that in that relatively short period of time it would take to get alone time with my wife that she was capable of hooking up and having sex with so many men from the office. It still perplexes me that this could have happened! When I first experienced the shock of this discovery, I remember feeling totally duped and cheated. It still feels that way to me. As she explains it, her rationale in her mind at the time made her think I was out of her reach on many levels… she felt I could have any girl I wanted and why would I possibly choose her over so many other attractive girls in the office – after all, she had been married and most of these other girls lived in my city and she was based elsewhere. In her mind, being with another girl from the office would have been so much easier and more convenient for me.

    Although I can understand some of her thinking, what frustrates me the most about all of this is that despite this, she never stopped to give us a chance to happen before deciding to hook up with all these other guys, who I know were complete scum bags …and deep down, she knew that too. I don’t think I harbour any jealousy feelings about them per se …I see them as pathetic scum bags and not really men to be jealous of, if that makes any sense. I also don’t think she had any real feelings whatsoever for any of those guys, but I do believe she had already developed some level of feelings for me after we had met. I remember seeing it in her eyes every time she looked at me and I know I was not wrong about that. But I just wasn’t convenient enough. She effectively didn’t give us a chance, because the scum she hooked up with were easy and a sure thing …whereas hooking up with me was logistically more difficult and therefore in her mind, less certain to happen.

    So at the time we met, she flirted with me big time, I believe in the hope that we may happen one day, but she didn’t end up giving us a chance to happen before allowing other hook up opportunities into her life… that would have meant forgoing easy sex with those other scum in between …I was not convenient enough I’m afraid …instead, her decisions resulted in all the incredible pain, torment and misery I would end up experiencing to this day and into the future.

    It all feels so absolutely wrong and it all happened because of her twisted values and view of relationships at the time that I simply didn’t understand. I still can’t believe she did it – I mean I know she really liked me, yet for the sake of sex with those scum, she was willing to kill part of me off if we ever were to happen to end up together – which is exactly what happened …what was left of me was destined to suffer forever. Those thoughts make it very hard for me to ever feel loved by her.

    She may regret it now, but it is hard for me to respect her attitude at the time. I feel completely duped and cheated. I know she liked me a lot …in fact, a real lot …and that she was also well aware that I liked her a lot too. So why on God’s earth didn’t she give us a chance to get together before hooking up with all those scum? The answer is because for her, relationships had to be convenient and loving me was inconvenient at that time. I feel cheated that she didn’t give us a chance to happen before screwing half the office and effectively leaving me to have to handle the unbearable consequences of getting to learn all of this, if we ever did happen, which of course we did – at the very first opportunity we had to be together alone.

    All these thoughts just kill me and eat away at my soul. I can see her very deep love for me