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My girlfriend/boyfriend is waiting till marriage, but I am not. Any tips?

November 12th, 2009 by

First and foremost, you need to understand that your virginal boyfriend/girlfriend is not some pillar of immaculate, unquestioning virtue. They struggle plenty with their decision to wait until marriage, and they need to keep reinforcing it to stay committed. This need for reinforcement can make them hypersensitive to sexual guilt and fear. If they yell at you for crossing some sexual boundary or because they think you were thinking of crossing some sexual boundary…do not take it personally. A lot of that comes from their own internal struggle about waiting.

Also note that if you are not waiting till marriage (or sometimes even if you are), your waiter partner may assume that you are just waiting on them to have sex. They’re trying to tell themselves that waiting is the right thing, and that you’re on board with it now even though you weren’t in the past. If they catch a hint that you’re not on board with waiting (i.e., that you want to have sex), it can set them off.

Even if you reassure them that you’re totally cool with waiting because you want to be with them, it may not be enough — they may want to hear that you’re waiting like they are. They may want to hear that you are waiting for your own sake, not just for theirs, because then they can see you as in it with them. I know that’s not realistic, but it’s what they want to hear from you.

Anything that you can say that’s supportive of waiting in general will earn you millions upon millions of brownie points, and can help you end arguments and re-earn their affections quickly.

Be patient with their internal struggle. It will resolve itself in time and as they get older and establish their boundaries clearly for themselves. The worst thing you can do is try to argue against their decision to wait and exacerbate their struggle. You cannot argue them out of waiting. That will end badly for you.

Author: Mike

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

12 Responses to “My girlfriend/boyfriend is waiting till marriage, but I am not. Any tips?”

  1. Will says:

    So I think this section needs to be expanded a little bit..Just gonna throw the idea out there..I don’t know how but I’m sure some people have got great ideas lol for now we can just talk about it here I guess..Great idea though Mike!

  2. head girl says:

    i think this section is important. if i would have been able to show this page to my X maybe it would have turned out better lol. other waters need to be able to show this to there boyfriends/ girlfriends to help them understand.

  3. Abbyy says:

    wooowww this is so true, im a virgin and i wish my bf could read this. even when he isnt crossing the line. i sometimes get frustrated and think he is. its so hard waiting and even tho my bf says he will it doesnt seem convincing yet. its a daily struggly both internally and externally. hopefully the can hold on as much as i am because it really isnt easy for the virgins either!

  4. Sally says:

    I didn’t find this helpful. I just can’t understand why my boyfriend is choosing not to have sex with me. It makes me feel bad for wanting it and for not getting it.

  5. Jenn says:

    I think the hardest part about dating while waiting for marriage is the knowledge that I will meet people who can’t understand or respect my decision. When waiters meet nonwaiters it makes us question our decision all the more(as if we aren’t already). In this sex-obsessed culture it has become even more difficult to assert ourselves as waiters because so many people, at younger and younger ages, are giving it up without much thought. I’m a 32 year old virgin woman who’s just starting to date for real for the first time. With every guy I meet, a refrain goes through my head, “Is this guy going to want to wait? What will he say when I tell him I am?” It does get difficult but if maintaining your virginity until marriage is at all important to you, try not to listen to detractors. Have faith that God has someone perfect for you in mind and do your best to get out and find that person.

  6. Lily says:

    Sally, I am in the same situation. I feel guilty for wanting to have sex while my boyfriend wants to wait. Part of me wants to wait with him because I want to be supportive but it feels so forced since I haven’t yet come to that conclusion on my own. Then again I would feel guilty if we did start having sex and then he regretted it. Also, we have had sex already which makes this that much more complicated for both of us. Basically, I’m so confused…

  7. john says:

    It must be hard waiting since you are growing up and don’t know anything yet. I say ya don’t get smarter till ya around 30 and life keeps getting better so take care of yourself so you can enjoy the good years when you know who you are . Waiting seems a good choice for a better future . If ya not sure about something no is a good answer . This site should help. I am still reading peoples experiences and thoughts. Maybe I will marry a waiter one day. Much respect. You’re dedicated and that makes great relations .

  8. thomas says:

    The woman I have been dating for the past 8 months is the first person I have been seriously involved with and she told me quite early on that she would not have sex with me before marriage.
    Going through my own kind of post-Christian, anything goes-phase during my first years of college, I kind of blew it off as if she was just putting up her defenses until she became comfortable. So I stayed with her because I really liked her and I was sure we would eventually have sex. As the weeks turned into months, however, it became very clear that this was not the case. This was very frustrating for me for two reasons: First, I really wanted to have sex, and not just with anyone, but with this sexy, intelligent, fun woman that had so easily walked into my life. And, second, because I had fallen madly in love with her, and could not imagine walking away now, even with my sexual frustrations.
    So here I am today. She is in Europe for the semester and I am just beginning to realize, after spending over two months away from her, that I was so selfish. For months she laughed off my occasional insensitive remarks about the lack of sex and my inability or lack of desire to appreciate her decision. She endured her own sexual desires as well as being pressured by me and even her own mother (kind of a strange story) yet she stayed with me.
    I haven’t told her yet but I have made up my mind that she is the kind of person worth saving myself for. I was an asshole at times but my hope is that if things work out, I’ll have the rest of our lives to make it up to her.

  9. Kurt says:

    I was waiting till marriage and gave into my ex. I was in my late twenties and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons, but part of me thought that giving in would enforce the relationship and she would appreciate the ‘sacrifice’ on my part to keep us going.

    In the end my advice to anyone whose thinking of giving in to help a relationship survive. Don’t.

    If you are struggling, sex will only complicate things. Especially after it being an issue of discussion.

    On the up side, it lead me to my currant relationship. My girlfriend is waiting for marriage. And I can understand the pressure and know some very good reasons not to pressure her to give in early. Relationships are hard enough as it is, and though I love her and want her in more physical aspects. I know the foundations we build will be worth the effort and wait.

  10. J says:

    Just because a person has decided to wait does not mean they don’t want to have sex. If someone is in a romantic relationship, then they likely want to have sex with the other person. A person who does not desire sex with a romantic partner probably has physical or emotional issues or is in an unhealthy relationship. Waiters aren’t asexual people who suddenly develop sex drives at the altar. We have just decided to delay sexual gratification because we believe in the end we will be better off by avoiding premarital sex. It’s really about exercising self-control and not about wanting sex. So, if you aren’t waiting and are dating a waiter, your significant other is probably not rejecting YOU personally, just rejecting premarital sex.

  11. P says:

    My girlfriend is a 28 yr old virgin and is waiting ’til marriage. We’ve talked numerous times about her decision. I’ve reassured her that there’s nothing wrong with having sex with someone you truly love, but I don’t push too hard. I’ve promised again and again that I will not pressure her, that it’s her choice to make.

    I’ve had sex before, so it’s frustrating not being able to share that level of intimacy with her.

    I’m determined to keep my promise of not pressuring her, but it is a daily struggle. I’m afraid this will drive me away from her, which is terrible because I love her and value that this is the truest, most genuine relationship I’ve ever been in.

  12. GN says:

    My girlfriend said she is a Christian woman of God who is waiting until marriage and that she is going to hold to those morals. I told her I absolutely respected her decision but in my mind I knew I really wanted to have sex with her. Part of feels like there is a chance she may be testing my commitment to her and the other part knows almost for sure that she is serious. I have never loved someone so much yet know there is something missing in my ideal relationship. I have never tried to make a move on her and test my limits. I want to wait and see if she will make a move. I don’t want to pressure her in any way, shape, or form. I am a virgin also but I want to lose it to someone I love and she is the one I feel like I have been waiting for. She tells me she falls in love with me deeper and deeper and that I make her feel like the luckiest girl in the world but my desires are not matching hers. Should I talk to her about how we both feel on everything exactly? I can’t tell if what she means by her morals is just for no sex or all sexual pleasures. Is it worth it for me to stay with her if I don’t know what the sex life would be like until marriage?

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