The 7 Emotions You Feel When You Discover Your Partner’s Sexual Past
July 25th, 2011 by MikeHere’s the situation: You’re dating somebody that you really, really like. In fact, you just might love them. But there’s a problem: They’ve got a sexual history, and it’s eating you alive. As a virgin who is waiting till marriage, dealing with a partner’s sexual past is one of the greatest and most painful challenges you’ll face in romantic relationships.
Sometimes the pain is immediate: You’ve been in love with your partner for a while, and then one day you discover the sordid details of their sexual past and it wrecks you.
Sometimes it creeps up on you: You’ve known about their history from the beginning, but it didn’t really bother you until now. And now all of a sudden, it’s like you can’t stop thinking about it and torturing yourself with mental pictures. This has gone from a minor annoyance to a major and central problem in your relationship.
You’re being assaulted by a swarm of horrible feelings, and I know they all feel jumbled together, but it’s important to pull them apart and give them names. The more you can identify and understand the nature of your own feelings, the easier it will be for you to process and act on them in a healthy way.
1. Moral Outrage and Disgust
Their sexual past goes against all of your deeply held values about the way people should conduct themselves, what is good, what is proper, and what is right. How could they just throw away their virginity like it was nothing? How could they have sex with that brain-dead skank/douchebag? They must not have any values. Nobody has any values anymore. They just threw their body away and never thought twice.
How to get over it
The important thing to remember here is that their choices probably weren’t wrong, bad, evil, or immoral; they were probably just different from the ones you made. Even if there are universally bad deeds in their past, it will be more useful for you to view their past decisions as differences rather than as indiscretions.
If you look at their past choices as errors, then it becomes a matter of damnation or forgiveness. But by seeing their choices for what they are (differences between you and them), you can use the knowledge to adjust your understanding of your partner.
What do those choices really say about them? Where did their choices come from (psychologically)? Would they makes those choices again? Were their decisions a fluke of youth, or a part of their current character? How has their sexual past shaped their attitudes today? What does that mean for your compatibility in the future?
Those are useful and revealing questions, and it’s important that you answer them for yourself soberly. You may conclude that your partner’s past does not actually have a hell of a lot of bearing on who they are now or who they will likely be in 10 years.
People can change for the better, and kids do stupid things. They might feel as bad (or worse) about the events in their past as you do. Make sure you don’t damn them for something they’ve already moved very far past.
But don’t kid yourself. It’s crucial that you go through this analysis, because you need to be acutely aware of differences in their mentality, especially when you’re a waiter dating a non-waiter. Sometimes a person’s past can represent permanent differences in character that will make it nearly impossible for you to have a happy long-term relationship with them.
So in summary: Get off your high horse, but keep your ears perked.
2. Wounded Pride
In effect, you just found out that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is less yours. They physically have already given a big piece of themselves to somebody else.
Maybe it was to someone they loved; Or worse, someone they didn’t. Or maybe they’re so spread around that practically everybody has had a piece of them. That makes your piece pretty worthless. And it makes it an unfair trade for you to give so much of yourself for that thing everybody else just took for nothing.
But you already traded, and now you feel ripped off in a very bitter way. What a fool you are to have cared about them and built them up to be this great thing, when they were just like everybody else. What a fool you are to have thought you had something special and unique. It’s not that they’ve been knocked off their pedestal; it’s that they’re still on the pedestal but they’ve let other people have sex with them who didn’t appreciate their value like you do.
How to get over it
There are many ways to possess someone, besides just physically. It is possible to give more of your heart to someone than you’ve given to anybody else. Sustainable marriage between non-waiters wouldn’t exist without a kind of emotional possession that goes beyond the physical.
Of course, the problem is that for 50% of marriages, sustainable marriage doesn’t exist — the emotional ownership alone isn’t quite strong enough to last a lifetime in many cases.
As someone who is waiting till marriage, you are hoping to be owned physically by your spouse by giving them your virginity (and thus your only full-body commitment) and taking theirs in return. You no doubt think (and rightly so) that this increased physical ownership between the two of you will multiply the emotional ownership, and contribute to a deeper, more lasting marriage. When you find out that your girlfiriend/boyfriend won’t be able to participate in this mutual physical ownership, you’ve got two problems…
- It’s not as easy for you to own them completely
- There will be a mismatch. Because you waited, they will own you completely while they won’t offer you the same ownership in return.
There is only one way to fix this: You have to make damn sure that you have extra emotional ownership to compensate for the lack of extra physical possession. There is such a thing as a person out there who will be so crazy in love with you, and feel so compatible with you, that they will commit to you with the same finality as a virgin would (if not more). Find that person. Adjust your expectations so that you’ll be happy with complete emotional ownership, and try your damnedest not to accept anything less. And if you find it, virgin or no, don’t be afraid to run with it and see where it takes you.
3. Betrayal
They were supposed to save themselves for you, and they went and gave it up to somebody else. You were supposed to be their first and only, and now you’re just another one in a long line. That was supposed to be your special moment, but they gave it away to others instead. You thought they made emotional commitments to you, but those commitments are clearly shallow and meaningless compared to your own.
How to get over it
Even though it feels like it, they didn’t actually betray you. They didn’t even know you back then. You can’t damn them for something they didn’t even know they were doing. They’re here with you now. And if you ask them, you might discover that they’d rather have saved it for you, and might even be pretty upset and self-conscious about it. Give them credit for the things they do now to be true to you, in the ways that they can.
4. Jealousy
If you were having sex with them, the fact that they’ve had sex before would not bother you nearly as much. But right now they’ve done things with somebody else that they’re not doing with you, and that stings like hell. Somebody else got to experience more of your partner than you can. You wish you could have been that other person…you wish you could have had that experience. You can’t stand the idea of your partner experiencing all those things with some other person.
How to get over it
Jealousy is a function of insecurity. The more insecure you are, the more jealous you will feel. And conversely, the less insecure you are, the less jealous you feel. There is also the possession factor: Your partner’s ex owns a piece of them that you can’t own (at least, that’s how it feels).
This is an amplified, more painful version of what you feel when you see somebody with the newest iPhone, if that iPhone represented all your hopes and dreams.
The ultimate cure for jealousy is to have the same (or better) experiences with your partner as they had with their ex(es). Their past will largely stop bothering you the instant you share the same experience with them (i.e., when you get married and have sex).
The problem is, because you’re waiting, you can’t share the same experiences with them right now. That’s why sexual jealousy can become so pronounced in relationships where one person is waiting.
Since you can’t just have sex with them and ease your jealousy of the sex they’ve had with their ex(s), you need to get comfortable with two scenarios: Either you are going to marry this person, in which case you will have far more and freakier sex with them than they ever had with any ex. Or you’re not going to marry them and this doesn’t matter because you’re going to end up happier with somebody else.
Here’s one final tip on jealousy. Ask yourself: What does your significant other’s ex have to be jealous of you about? Don’t forget who’s winning the day right now. You are the one that has earned their modern affections. You are the one they love now. You are the one their more mature self has chosen. And you are the one they choose to be with over their ex.
5. Insecurity
Do they still think of their ex? Are they satisfied with you? Won’t they be thinking of all their past encounters while they’re with you? What if you don’t stack up? What if you get married and you still can’t overcome what he felt with his ex? What if she is thinking about sex with her other partners more than she thinks about sex with you? What if his ex was more experienced and made him feel better than you can? What if he’ll never commit to you physically because you’re new at this unlike his more experienced exes?
How to get over it
Your imagination is your own worst enemy here. In your mind, your partner’s past is the most painful and insecurity-inducing version you can picture. But the reality is often much more boring than that. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it helps to meet their exes. There’s a reason why they’re with you not and not with the ex, and you can often see that reason much more clearly when you meet the ex.
Do what you can to throw cold water on your dark imagination with the mundane facts.
Also, focus on being really, really good at all the things you do with your partner, both physically and otherwise. Make it your mission in life to rock their world in all the ways that you can.
6. Violated ideals/Shattered fantasy
You wanted to marry another virgin so it would be perfect. You wanted the perfect relationship, the perfect love, and the perfect marriage. And now you’ve found a person that you’re crazy about and it would be perfect if only they hadn’t ruined it by tossing away their virginity like it was nothing, and now it’s all wrong. Not like you had pictured at all.
How to get over it
Your original fantasy was a lasting marriage with a wonderful person who you adore and who adores you back. Never forget that.
7. Love/Infatuation
All of the above pains are feelings that come along with being emotionally invested in somebody. If you didn’t feel anything for your partner and if you don’t see a future with them, then their past might bother you intellectually, but it’s not going to keep you up nights. It’s only the people you really care about — the ones you want to own — that will be able to hurt you with their past.
This is where people usually get into trouble. See, you don’t always realize right away that these bad emotions (anger/outrage, jealousy, insecurity, etc.) are byproducts of a good emotion (love). And by the time you feel all the bad emotions, they cloud you so badly that they overshadow the lovey feelings that lead to them.
It’s kind of a weird thing. If your partner did something current, like cheated on you, you would go through many of the same emotions, and after fighting about it your partner might wonder if you were going to break up with them. And maybe you would. But when you fight about the past it goes a bit differently.
When you’re upset about a sexual past, you’ll scream and yell and hurt your partner. But you don’t want them to go. You don’t want to break up. It’s because you want to be with them that their past bothers you. But try telling them that after you’ve ripped them to shreds over a hurt that they they never intentionally caused you.
How to get over it
Never forget how rare it is to find somebody who you love enough to be vulnerable to. In your life you will date so many people who you could take or leave regardless of what their past looks like. When you find somebody that really ignites your heart, don’t take that opportunity for granted by fighting about things that happened before you met. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it; but don’t go for blood. Remember who’s blood you’d be drawing: somebody you want to be with.
Here are some more articles that might help…
- Jennifer’s Sexual Jealousy FAQ (aka How to Get Over Your Partner’s Past)
- How I Got Over My Fiance’s Sexual Past (also by Jennifer)
Author: Mike
Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org. Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become an organizational psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.
Just once I wish I could find an article that wasn’t all get over it the past is the past. I want a virgin there I said it, in general I want someonewith morals that match mine. A beed hopping guy, or only in a relationshis guy does not have the same morals I do period. It might be hard as heck to find him but that’s what I want. I want the whole enchilad so to speak. I do not want to settle because no one like that exists, and I’m not going to spendd a significant amount of a relationship getting over it because no one else may come around.
Flame away, I won’t be changing my mind.
Hey Dani,
I assure you, this is one of the only sites where I don’t think you’ll get flamed badly for what you just said. I think most of us here can identify deeply with what you’re saying (I sure can). If I had a choice, of course I would want to find another waiter. And my natural impulse is to view anything less as a kind of unideal compromise.
I write these “get over the past” articles for 4 reasons:
1. For people who are already in relationships with non-waiters and want some help managing their emotions. Not so they can settle, but so they can focus on getting the most out of a relationship that they want to be in right now (for their own reasons).
2. Because I have met exactly one non-waiter girl who I felt I could be rapturously happy with and feel lucky to have…without ever feeling like I was settling (because of her not waiting). I often think of her when I argue for giving non-waiters a chance to make you happy. I have also seen through this site and in my personal life several relationships work very well between a waiter and a non-waiter. Plus I have seen people change, and I have changed.
3. Because I am trying to flesh it out as I go and see if it can work. I am not totally convinced that us waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters. But similar to a scientist developing a hypothesis, I try to argue the issue as if I was convinced (that waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters), in part to see if it logically holds up or falls apart when I try to argue it. I do this not a little bit for my own purposes (see #2), but also for the cause on the whole (to add to the discussion and trigger great counter arguments like yours).
4. Because I once eviscerated a long-term girlfriend over her sexual history only to feel horrible and instantly clear about the issue right after I had hurt her beyond the point of no return. And I don’t want anybody else to make that same mistake if I can help it, because it was awful.
All that said, I wish you a very heartfelt godspeed in finding another virgin waiter. You can do it, and many before you have. We are out there! Maybe if this site grows big enough we’ll all be able to find each other more easily (I’ve just hinted at my ulterior motives for creating this site haha).
Sorry if I sounded deranged, in my last post. All your reasons are valid, and I think that once you choose to be in a relationship with a non waiter you have to “get over it.” I’ve just heard one too many lectures on me being unrealistic, test driving carsq, and sex is no big deal etc
This article actually really helped me. I’ve been seeing my partner for 7 months now, we have recently put everything out in the open. I found it really hard to discover all of her sexual past. I knew some of it, but this was too much for me to handle. When she told me how she lost her virginity, she said she was 17 and was away with a friend on a trip away from home. She had her first drink, went to bed alone that night at a friends. Another guy that was there came into her room, talked for a bit, they fell asleep then next thing you know bam, they have sex and he’s gone the next day. I’m really struggling knowing this, it’s effecting me more than anything else. She never told him she was a virgin, he was 21 at the time. This was about 4 years ago, we are both 21 now. Any advice? This is consuming my every thought, I just feel like crying.
Hey Jon,
I feel for you, man. I’ve been there. I couldn’t have written this article if I hadn’t.
Couple things that might help:
1. Develop a realistic mental picture of that first time. I know her story sounds awful when echoed off your own morals, but consider how awkward, unremarkable, and ultimately unsatisfying that encounter probably was for her. If that lame experience is what you have to compete with, it’ll be pretty easy for you to beat.
2. How does she feel about it? Is she ashamed of it, or does she act like it’s no big deal? If she feels ashamed/guilty about it at all, there might be hope for you. I’m not talking tears and desperate repentance here. A little downturn in her voice when she mentions it is enough to reveal how she feels about it and that she is not looking to repeat that kind of experience.
On the other hand, if she thinks it’s no big deal, then you might have a problem. Date a little longer and have fun if you want, but you may not be long-term compatible.
Whatever you do, do not try to force her to feel shame that she doesn’t already feel. I know her feeling bad about it makes you feel better, but you can’t try to create that. All the troubles come from trying to tell her how she should feel based on how you want her to feel. Learn how she feels naturally, and plan accordingly.
3. Is that lame virginity loss moment the extent of it? Is that the worse she’s got?
Give it time, and try considering your life without her at all. Keep things in perspective. For better or worse, she’s still the same girl she was before she told you that. But the question is: Does this knowledge reveal current character traits that you hadn’t noticed until now? Or does it feel more like this is in the past and separate from who she is now?
Hang in there. This is no fun. But it gets better.
I took a year away from sex because I’ve had so many bad relationships that put too much emphasis on the physical. Now I feel as though I’d like to wait for marriage, but is that ridiculous when I’ve already been sexually active?
Hey Laura,
It’s not ridiculous at all. Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon wait on her, so there’s some precedent for you.
The longer you wait, the more you start to resemble those who have waited from the beginning, for good and ill.
And just FWIW, speaking as a guy who’s waiting, I would be much more interested in you than somebody who hadn’t waited at all…on that factor alone anyway.
I am waiting for marraige, but is it better to be with a guy who waited also. I mean, I do want a guy with morals, but what about the experience. Do guys who wait til marraige please their women on their honeymoon? Is the sex amazing or fustrating cause the lack of experience from both the male and female?
Ps. please don’t misunderstand me. I think that it is good to wait till marraige. I think that everyone should do it so a lot of this madness can stop. But, I want to know if the male will actually please me if he is a virgin and if the sex will be good? I’m just a teenager who wants the truth.
Also, it will be nice to get some answers from those who waited for marraige and who is married now. Thanks
actually… (im a girl) i would like my future husband to be pretty experienced : ) just sayin’
@Christawna and vee,
Thanks for your comments! I’m a guy who’s waiting till marriage for sex, but I’m very…proficient…at certain other activities, so I think I can speak to both perspectives here. I’ll try to shed some light on your “I’m waiting but kinda want an experienced guy” questions.
First off, if you’re planning to wait until marriage, I would drop the expectation of extremely talented, wall-shaking, synchronized sex on your honeymoon. The whole point of waiting is so that sex has meaning. And that’s what you will get on your wedding night and honeymoon: Extremely fun, meaningful sex….even if you’re both just figuring it out as you go. And then, because you’re starting from scratch, you get to spend your whole marriage learning to be “experienced” together and having years of increasingly great sex.
Five years into your marriage, when you have just built-up to the kind of sex that non-waiters had on the honeymoon, your married friends that didn’t wait will be reaching for the magazine racks because they’ve run out of ideas to make sex interesting and it’s making their marriage dull. That’s one of the best parts of waiting: When typical marriages are burning out, yours will just be heating up!
Second, sex is a two person game. If one person is inexperienced, it doesn’t matter (to some extent) how experienced the other person is…it’s kind of like the whole “the platoon can only move as fast as the slowest soldier” thing. This is because you don’t know your own body yet, and you will be self-conscious, so it will be hard for you to communicate what you want at first. Without your signals and communication, the guy will be flying blind. He will resort to generic techniques and hope that they work. If he’s very experienced he may be able to make you feel pretty good, but not nearly as good as he’s going to be able to make you feel once you get some experience.
Third, “experienced” is not the same thing as “good”. I know guys with plenty of experience who still can’t ring their girl’s bell because they don’t think it through or they’re selfish in bed…or because they’re too embarrassed to ask for instructions. I’ve met girls with the same problem. This is why, in my opinion, love and willingness to learn trumps experience.
So I guess to answer Christawna’s questions…
I’d say: The sex is amazing…in a very sweet, emotional way. But by sexual proficiency standards, it’s just the beginning. And that’s the point.
I was a virgin up until I met my current girlfriend. We have had a few issues and kinks to work out early in our relationship but we have been very honest and open with eachother. I asked the dumb question of how many people she had slept with prior to me. Because we had a talk about honesty she told me the truth. I was not prepared for the answer. She said “under 20″ it totally caught me off gaurd And my heart was ripped out of my chest. I knew she was not a virgin but up to twenty people was mind blowing concisering she was my first and she is only 22 years old. I have really tried hard to move past this because I know it is the past. However it is still very hard and new to deal with. I was wondering if anyone had words of encouragement or advice. Thanks
I have personal experience with this. I am currently engaged to the man of my dreams, and I had an immense amount of trouble getting over his sexual past. It caused a great deal of fighting, and the things I said out of anger, etc. (all the emotions mentioned in the article) hurt him very much. In fact, I took it so far that there was a point where I believed that we weren’t going to make it, and the mere thought of losing him absolutely devastated me.
The most interesting part about his sexual history was that he too, was a waiter, who made some mistakes. I took those mistakes, and would hold them against him. I took a man who loved me unconditionally, and through fighting about his past, indirectly showed him that no matter what he did for me, no matter how much he loved me, I would always hold his past against him. I am ashamed of how I have acted and treated him.
He has told me many times that he is ashamed of the mistakes he’s made, but he has chosen to take those mistakes and let them serve as lessons to make him into the person he is today – the person I fell in love with.
If I can help someone out who is in the same situation as me, maybe the experience will have served it’s purpose. I would love to write more about my experience and to share advice on the topic of dealing with someone’s sexual history but don’t know how and would love suggestions.
@J – I would LOVE for you to share some of your advice, and would be happy to help you put together an article for the site. Also (speaking from a ton of experience here), writing about it will help you. The fastest and most reliable way to get through something is to help others get through that same thing…it helps you organize your thoughts, step outside yourself, and puts your healthy conclusions in stone so you don’t forget them. Join the forums and send me a Private Message, or email me directly: mike at waitingtillmarriage.org.
The thing to remember with sexual history problems is that — assuming it’s not a mismatch of values (like, you’re otherwise compatible if it weren’t for the past) — then it’s more your problem than his. He can apologize and try to help until he’s blue in the face, but ultimately you’re the one that has to learn how to deal with it (or not).
I would know for a fact that if I was with a girl with a sexual history I would be deeply affected, like most of us. It would bother me alot. The fact men have gone before me, I don’t think I could get over that. why should I deal with that? it’s not fair that she had those partners while I was waiting. so obviously I want a virgin we should be able to have what we deserve, that special night.
Mike Can you plz give me some advice if possible, or anyone. All the seven emotions u wrote above make 100% sense but. Heres my story. My girlfriend decided to have sex while away in college, I stayed local and she didnt. We were both waiting till marriage but I guess someone couldnt control themselves. She decided to do it with a friend of hers. I have experinced every single emotion you have felt but what I want to know is how do you move on? Like honestly I want to forget about her but we were together for so long and we cared about each other so much.(4 years down the drain) The problem is that I honestly dont believe she’s sorry. Like I told her I cant talk to her and that I dont want to hear from her and instead of trying to talking to me to fix things, all she said was i know ur mad so am going to give you your space…. She didnt even have the decency to visit me on thanksgiving to explain herself like I can understand that she might be scared to face me but if she cared wouldnt she still face me to show me that she cares. I’m I just blowing this all out of proportion? Or am I right? Part of me also know feels like I wont find any girl who is a virgin who is waitting since I am 20 and by that age well the numbers speak for themselves…. Any advice would be appreciated
Hi Seaflo,
Okay. I’m about to give you some terrible news, Seaflo. Are you ready to hear it? What I’m about to say next is the brutal truth that you must accept:
The girl you love is dead. The girl you met, the girl you dated for years, the girl you thought was the end-all answer to your life…she’s dead, in the ground, buried, never coming back. What exists in her place now is a pale shell of what you knew. A kind of ghost image…a mutation that has taken over her corpse and continues to move around in her body. The person you see on Facebook, the person that visits your home town sometimes, the person that texts you every once in a while…that is not her. That is somebody else.
The girl you love is dead. I want you to say that out loud over and over again until you accept it. Say her name. Say “Susie Jenkins is dead” (whatever her name is). I want you to cry for the loss, to mourn her, and most importantly I want you to remember the good times you had with her before she died. I want you to miss her in a way, but stay realistic because you know there is no coming back from death. And then move on. Because that girl is dead, and now you must find a new girl…a brand-new girl who is full of life and promise…so much that she makes you forget about that tragic, untimely death.
Sometimes you will see the walking ghost of the girl you loved. Sometimes it will text or email you. Do not take it seriously. Stay polite, and end the conversation at the first opportunity. And then go back to your life, and try to forget what the walking corpse said. Just put it out of your mind as soon as you hang up the phone. It may have looked and sounded like her, but it was not her. That girl is dead. Do not let the fact that her ghost so closely resembles her have power over you, ever. Never treat that thing as any more than a zombie that looks like the girl you knew…never see it as her, because she is dead.
Do not worry about finding a girl who’s still waiting at 20. There are plenty of them out there! Start by joining our forums and hanging out with lots of such girls! Then go find a big church, and find even more waiter girls. Put yourself in those circles. It’s much easier than you think to find at 20. Don’t start worrying until you’re at least 26.
Hang in there, Seaflo. I’m so sorry for your loss. She was a great girl.
I thought this article was very good. I have felt each of these seven emotions you wrote out and was so happy to see I’m not alone. I waited until marriage and my husband didn’t. We’ve been married a year and a half now and it all has hit me very hard recently. I don’t know what the big delay was, but it was very difficult. All I can say is that it does get easier once you deal with it, and if your partner is patient and loving with you. I think one of the most important things is that if this person truly loves you, their past hurts them as much as it does you. And when my husband saw that I was going through a hard time with it, it broke his heart. There is nothing they can do to change the past, and don’t beat them over and over and over again for it. Forgive and move on. You miss so many wonderful times and making new memories with your partner if you dwell over the past too much.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate this whole website and especially this article. As someone who comes from a conservative Asian family, I always considered that waiting (and expecting your future spouse to be too) is practical, and only found out this year that it wasn’t, when I told some of my friends and they laughed. (I guess “sheltered” doesn’t even begin to cover how my parents raised me, haha.)
I don’t know… they just made me feel as if I was shallow and backwards and anti-feministic. And ever since then, I’ve been trying really hard to “fix my brain” into thinking that it was okay, that if I found someone whom I truly love, I wouldn’t care about their sexual history. But they’re just words, and I never really felt convinced. I know I’d still be crushed. That’s why it’s such a relief to find this article, since now I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.
It’s also nice to know that there are actually other waiters out there (especially men… it’s like finding out unicorns exist!). At least there’s a place where people like us can feel comfortable with our decision.
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
As incredible as this site is, we’ve only tapped into a small amount of this site’s potential. We have a lot of initiatives and projects in the pipeline, for the near future, which should really transform this site and spark a revolution.
Sadly, abstinence and “waiting” is not the norm and unfortunately many people do laugh at us. At the same time though, I think lots of people wish they had the strength to make our choice. As much as that sucks, I think the cool thing about this site is that we don’t judge or look down on ppl who make different decisions.
There are definitely men out there who wait, I myself, a 26 year old guy, am still waiting
.
If you want, feel free to join the forums. You’ll meet some cool people… who won’t laugh at you
thank you
Wow
I am now 27… i have waited until the age of 25. I wish i had not done it as i am not with my ex anymore. I want to convince my current boyfriend for us to abstain until marriage, how do i do that?
Finally a site that doesn’t beat up the “waiter” for being unfair to the one who didn’t. I was with a girl 7 months. I knew about her sexual past but it didn’t hit me until I really started to care for her… that was the most painful experience I’ve had to date in my 24 years.
I did everything I knew to “fix” myself and my heart. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended that I realized how badly she had left me out to dry. When I mentioned that I was having an issue she became a little distant. She said it was everything she could do to not run away. I can’t blame her fully for this because she was still dealing with guilt and regret herself…and one of those past guys was abusive.
Even still… thinking about it now… a simple “I wish I waited for you.. I’m so sorry” would have gone a long way. Instead I got: “I made stupid decisions but the past is the past and it can’t be fixed” , “Those guys didn’t mean anything.. it was good exercise, felt good and relieved stress” , “If you can’t get over it then I don’t think this can work out.”
All of those things may have been true, but someone who is worth getting over this issue for is someone who will partner up with you in the process… YOU do have to deal with their past but it’s the fact that they have a past that there’s even a problem… why shouldn’t they have a prominent role in the solution. Your feelings are a consequence of their actions after all.
Like the author said… you must recognize whether or not they have TRULY changed and that person MUST be willing to partner with you through the process. This may be one of the most painful things you go through BUT if the two of you can make it… you’ll be able to handle a whooole lot that the world throws at you in the future.
I’m a non-waiter, like I have explained on another article. There are a few things I would add to this.
When finding out that you are a waiter but he/she is not, I would urge people to think about these few things:
1/ That’s still a person in front of you. A person that you cared enough about to be with in the first place. Try and consider whether their sexual past actually has an incidence on that before you react.
2/ Their sexual past does not mean they have no morals. Find out what their morals are and how they differ from yours. I didn’t wait, but I never treated sex casually. I believe in sex as an expression of love and to be shared with someone only when you are both mature enough and share full trust and respect for each other. I just don’t believe marriage necessarily is the line to wait for. Nor do I believe it is something you can only find once (otherwise waiters who end up divorced should just resign themselves to continuing their lives lonely and sad). Once you know what their morals are, ask yourself if it’s something you can live with and if it is indeed so different to yours.
3/ Love and marriage demand some compromise. If their morals are completely incompatible with yours, then yes, you probably don’t belong together. But if their morals are just a little different or they’ve just made mistakes, ask yourself if you can make your peace with it.
I recently got married and my husband was very honest when he told me how many sexual partners he had before he met me. I was a waiter, he was not. I chose to wait due to my faith. My husband shares the same faith. It was not easy for him to tell me about his past, but I figured if God can forgive him, I could too. No one is perfect. While some of us may struggle with different temptations/problems we all have issues and we should show each other grace especially if we say we love the other person
I have been with my partner 3 years & it hasn’t been until recently that the whole jealousy issue has raised its ugly head. I think that this could be that I’ve realised just how amazingly special she is to me & how much I actually love her! I am in my 30′s & my partner is in her 20′s. The first time she had sex was when she was 15. in the space of 7 years she has slept with 6 guys (including myself). Some of them were boyfriends & others were friends. I feel like such a hypocrit feeling jealous over her ex’s considering that I have bedded 11 woman in my time. Yet, I cannot help but feel so unbelievably jealous of these other men. I cannot seem to get the image of her in the throws of passion with these other guys, her doing stuff with these other men & enjoying it. I know that it is unrealistic to think these things escpecially considering that I wasn’t even in the equation. I feel so insecure, but more so because there could potentially have slept with a 7th person. When she was 16 she went to a party, got drunk & snuck off to a room with a guy. She can remember his name but not whether she slept with him or not? She only met him that once & has never run into him again. She swears this to be the truth, but I cannot help but feel that she is telling me what I want to hear. She does seem embarrassed by the situation & doesn’t like talking about it. I seem to be my own worst enemy & seem to be punishing myself by asking her loads of questions. All this does is make things worse in my head & is pushing her away. The worst thing is, I keep bumping into the guys she has slept with & one of them just so happens to be her friends partner. This is worsened when she asks if we wanna hang out with her friend & consequently her ex. She seems so insensitive to the fact that I don’t wanna be the only person in the room who hasn’t slept with this guy. It just feels like her sexual past is on my doorstep & just when I feel like I’m getting over it, I bump into one of these guys & it all comes flooding back. I recently found some letters to herself that she wrote 4 years ago saying that she was worried that she had gotten pregnant after having unprotected sex with her boyfriend at the time. It ripped my heart out & was worsend when I read on & found her describing how lovely & cute this other guy was, who she later slept with. I really love this girl so much & I just want this out of my head. She is the same person that I fell in love with 3 years ago… I don’t wanna talk to her about it because it is causing us to fight & loosing her over this just makes no sense at all, especially since we have fought so hard to be together…
I have been married for about 3 years now, and i’ve had a terrible time, considering the fact that my wife was a non-waiter, and had even had abortions that were hidden from me until recently (after more than two years of marriage). It’s painful but not surprising, since such things occur as a consequence of such lifestyles. When I think back, I wish I had left the relationship when I could.
The fact is, there is no way you won’t see hints of the lifestyle that resulted in that kind of past, peppered throughout your future life with the non-waiter. In the right conditions, it will happen again.
What I’ve done now to keep myself from running mad, is to equate my own experiences with hers, and acknowledge that I have done as badly as she. So, the heavy pettings I’ve had with girls, the dirty talks, etc had to be seen for what they were, sexual sin. To wit, I’ve not been “all that” myself.
The relief is amazing.
Even so, If you are not yet married to the person, don’t bother, just leave. There’s nothing worse than going crazy slowly because your values are not appreciated by your partner.
I’ve read about people that got divorced after 20 years of marriage because the waiter partner finally couldn’t take it anymore. That’s right, after 20 years!
Don’t compromise on your values. You’ll hate yourself and make life hell for your partner as well. You both deserve better.
I had sex with about eight different guys starting at the age of 14 until about age 21 with several relationships, etc. throughout. I was raised in a christian home and knew that it was wrong, but acted foolishly. My father was not very involved in my life after I became a teenager. I am not blaming him for my actions, I just say that to explain that I think I could have been stronger if my dad showed me affection and talked with me more… I believe these choices started because I was looking for love and acceptance.
I came to faith in Christ and a personal relationship with Him when I was 21 and was single for seven years wondering if God would ever bring a man that would truly love me for who He was transforming me to be. He did! I am now 39 and have been married for almost ten years. I married a “virgin”, but through honest conversations starting while were dating, we discovered that we both sexually struggled in the past. My husband said that he had a lot of issues in his heart and mind that God had to help him with even though he had never slept with a woman.
My commitment to my husband I believe speaks volumes to him as his does to me. It is what love is… all in what you show and do day after day. I have been faithful to my husband. What is difficult for me is the temptation to put my guilt back upon myself and not walk in the freedom and joy that there is in Christ’s forgiveness. Those boys/men in my past did not commit to me. My husband does not feel cheated and loves me very much. He shows it.
My husband and I have struggled with our intimacy, but God has used this to humble us and help us to see our need of Him. God is transforming us. We are more and more in love as the days go by. We have three children and they are a blessing. It blows me away how good God is!
All of us are messed up! Some of us have sinned in so many other ways than what I have highlighted in my life. We may classify sins and segregate ourselves (“waiters” / “non-waiters”), but “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. It is a blessing to have the grace to resist temptation to not touch and have sexual relations before marriage. Pray that God helps you to remain strong. If you commit your way to Him, he will lead you in the right direction with a future spouse and can sustain and can make beautiful marriages from ugly pasts. God is working in a myriad of ways. Trust in Christ. He came to redeem. Our marriages can be a picture of his redemption!
Hey everyone, so i’ve gone through and read all the comments. I just wanted to share a bit of my story. And offer a side that is not expressed so much.
I was not raised in a christian home, however i became a christian at 4 years old, and i always had good morals and knew right from wrong from a young age.
One thing i will say is i am a hopeless romantic, through and through, i want a man who will sweep me off my feet, and protect me and fight for me, and love me just for me.
I bought a purity ring and made the decision to wait till marriage, at about 15 years of age, although i had done a couple silly physical things with a boy i dated when i was 13, i had made a commitment and i was going to stick to it. In that time i had always like and actually loved, this boy i knew from when i was a little kid. I was in love with him for about 7 years before we actually became boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked my mum for permission to date me, and me being a hopeless romantic, it made me love him even more. I really loved him and i had often sat and talked with god about him, before we dated, and i said Im superman and he is my cryptonite, he is the one for me, i dont want anyone else, hes the one.
Little did i realize how wrong i was, and how to late it would be. I dated this boy for 1 year and a half, from just before my 18th birthday and I am now 19 years of age. This boy didn’t just break my heart, he shattered it. I gave this boy everything. We didn’t have sex all the way, but we did enough that i don’t consider myself a virgin anymore. I thought i knew everything, going into that relationship, i didnt understand how strong the flesh can be, and i was foolish. At the beginning of our relationship he pressured me to go so much further than i wanted, and forced me to do things, but we had worked through that and he apologised and i forgave him. But after that i felt so dirty and unclean, that i just lost all the respect i had for myself. I cryed myself to sleep, cause i thought theres no way god can love me now. That was one of the hardest things to deal with. But this boy loved me, and i loved him and i foolishly believed it was going to be ok cause we were together for the long haul and one day i would marry this boy. I never let the physical things we did go all the way, i could never give it all, but i gave so much that i cannot be considered a virgin, i wish i could, but i cant.
To make it a little bit more painful. He broke up with me, and then four days later slept with one of my friends, and i had to pick that exact day to go to his house, to collect some of my stuff that was left there. To wait for him to get dressed to come and answer his door, and see her there. The pain I felt, compares to nothing i’ve ever gone through, and i’ve had some horrible things happen to me. It hurt so much to know that the boy i was in love with for 8 and half years, could do that only 4 days after we broke up. I was still coming to terms with the break up, but to do that, the boy that stood in front of me, made me sick to my stomach. He made sure i was in the most pain i have ever been in. He shattered my idea of a “prince” my “fairytale guy”.
Words cannot describe how painful it is to realize that i gave my most precious gift to a boy who threw it away. Like it didnt matter. I am so grateful that god has the grace to forgive me, although i don’t believe i deserve it. And One day i will have to stand in front of my future husband and tell him, that i did that, and words cannot begin to describe, how much pain it has caused me to say it to him. The last thing i wanted was to hurt the guy Im going to be with, and i just hope he will still want me after i tell him. I understand how much it will hurt him, if he’s saved himself, for me. I understand like many of the people have said above, how much it hurts you and bothers you that your partner has done stuff with someone else. But from someone, who had every intention of waiting till marriage, i have never regretted anything more in my entire life, I try find the strength to forgive myself everyday. I wished i never had to learn this way. I hope this serves as a warning to other “waiters”. Dont make the same mistake i did, your flesh is so much more powerful that you know. You have every right to have and be with someone who has waited too, but don’t judge someone because they made the mistake like i did, we are all human and have all sinned, and are all flawed. This was not intended to offend anyone, i just wanted to offer a brutally honest side of the “non-waiter”. God Bless Claire.
Hi Claire,
Thank you for that story!
I just want to clarify something for you and others here.
The definition of a “waiter” is someone who is waiting until marriage, whether virgin or non-virgin. If you’ve decided to wait, that makes you a “waiter” and part of this community
.
We have people on the forums who are not virgins but who have decided to wait, that makes them waiters. We are very accepting here and we don’t judge.
If you want to join the forums, please feel free to do so
. Thanks again for having the courage to share your story.
Very interesting comments. I respect people that can wait for both genders, but let’s just say I have a pretty large group of close relatives (married & single)and we talk a lot, and in terms of our experiences and virginity, men and women are completely opposite.
Men get better with experience because of the anatomy of the man and the ability to last longer. Women on the other hand, gets worse, particularly if they have slept around a lot, and it they become very difficult to please. I remember reading a few years ago about a hormone that women produce oxy something, that is produced in limited amount (just like the ova) in the lifespan of a woman and that when she has sex she passes that hormone. So eventually when she wants to marry if she has wasted her hormone in others, the relationship most likely will not last as long, and the sex interest will diminish very quickly. Also, women are just harder to please and the anatomy is different. Stretching is a factor that can not be denied, meanwhile pleasing a guy in bed is much easier since most men are usually into sex.
Also most women can live with little sex, but most men will go crazy. Now sex and love are two different items. I believe women can really love a man with little sexual attraction or interest and be okay about it, but most men can not do that. We know several women that when younger were very active sexually but once they married shortly after they did not want anything to do with sex, they always put excuses, headaches, and there was simply nothing else that the new husbands could offer in bed and that killed the marriage little by little, the man eventually cheated and at the end everybody was miserable, or as one of my cousins put it – “irreconcilable differences”. My suggestion for a man is that even if you can not marry a virgin, marry somebody with less experience, and for a woman to marry somebody with more experience(to get the man’s horn-dog out of his system!) so the man does not cheat later on.
Also to be honest from the start, becasue as somebody mentioned, if a guy learns that the wife/gf is not the angel that he thought she was later on, he will lose respect about her, and will feel cheated. And believe me, guys will learn, becasue other guys love to talk about their conquests, and there is nothing worse than to learn that your woman slept with another man in the past (even if it was before your time)when that other man tells you about it and ridicules you about it. That will mess you in the head and will kill your pride and that relationship with that woman, believe me I leaned this the hard way.
Well, I must say thank you very much for this heartfelt explanation. I was looking for answer for quite a while now for I have found the girl of my dreams rather early in life (My age being a ripe young 17). My Dear is inexperienced and wonderful and has the same plans as I do for the future, we both want someone for the rest of our life to avoid that settling nonsense when you’re much older. However she was rather depressed before me and before I saved her from herself she was hanging onto a friendship with a rather undesirable guy. Me, having been cheated on in the past, felt so strange when those feelings started to arise as I realized more and more the reality of the situation, of the act of her having sex with this guy. Though she did this two years prior to even knowing I existed, I was bothered, regardless of the extremely awful job he performed (fully clothed, slipping out and around and finishing so early she might as well have fingered herself, mind my racy commentary). This settled for a while but it bothered me to no end up until I read this article. I’ve been completely honest with her and we never fight about anything, this understanding led to my explaining to her what was wrong and her accepting and affirming that though she doesn’t have a current solution and that the best thing would be to just wait until she came home (she’s been gone due to a parent divorce) which I’d understand as an easy solution, as you’ve stated in your article, the more sex the further the past. But I still have 2 months until she returns and it’s been a long, dry year. I went up there recently last spring break but I found it rude to outright destroy her next to her father’s bedroom and the light foreplay we shared was enough to satisfy my curiosity of things (I discovered how intact she is, and to my luck she popped her own cherry thinking of me). I know this seems like a lot of information to share but to share it means I’ve accepted it much further. The only reason your article helped though was because the logic part of my brain kicked and realized this is a path to destructing all that I created with her. Consider survival instincts, but this relationships perpetual and my tired mind misses her more than anything so to hurt her in anyway and make her regret more her actions that were completely against her character and were out of most likely boredom and infatuation would destroy me internally. Now, I’m not saying this is a day or a couple days recovery, but you woke me up to the reality I’m living in and its what I’ve always wanted, perfection not being whether she’s intact or not, but perfection being both of us happy. Thank you very much for helping to ensure the security of my sure to be long term relationship. Consolation and payment so you may know you’ve affected at least one life with the article you’ve written. I couldn’t thank you anymore, in fact, I’m going to explain this to her in a couple minutes and she’ll be happy to know everything’s good to go. Thank you very much. Have a wonderful life.
Oh, and after I have her read this article to me and this comments, I hope you don’t mind me putting this here;
I love you Ophelia. Very much. :J
sam, no offense, but as a student of genetics, your advice sucks.
women are not on average less horny; men might only think so because our arousal is not so visible. i can fantasize almost anywhere or at any time without the embarrassment of an erection — but trust you me, girls are raging with hormones, too. if it wasn’t for the fact that we are aware of the consequences promiscuity has us, being the sex burdened with more responsibility in the reproductive process, we would be just as promiscuous as men. don’t believe me? check out chimps and bonobos — they share 99% of our DNA and are bound only by instinct.
also, what you said about oxytocin is simply untrue. it is a hormone produced by men and women alike that promotes bonding and feelings of happiness, not a small collective resource used by women in reproduction. i can’t speak for oxytocin alone, but reproductive/associated hormones only differ between the sexes largely in the time that they peak. in males, it is early and production decreases over time, whereas a female peaks around 30 and decreases from there. the idea that a man can screw the horniness out of him in his early years is false. if anything, it just makes him more accustomed to a promiscuous lifestyle. being promiscuous increases production in androgens like testosterone, making him more prone to risky sex behaviors. thus it will only make it harder for him to be monogamous later if his constitution is not strong.
monogamy does not complement our sexual dimorphism — if we feed our naturally poly-amorous instincts, it only widens the gap between us and makes it harder to be together. and if anyone thinks that it’s a damned travesty for males to have to experience anything but raging testosterone, go be a bonobo. humans have bigger things to worry about than their genitals.
i’m tired of people dismissing the issue with a “boys will be boys” attitude. one of the greatest benefits of monogamy is that we don’t invest half our lives having fruitless sex. wasting time. because of it, we can be emotionally, sexually, and spiritually satisfied enough to tackle the bigger questions of life. and as a waiter, i don’t appreciate anyone saying it’s in my best interest to find a non-waiter guy. that’s not what we want, and it only makes things more difficult
(for most).
@Noelle – That was awesome. Please join the forums and hang out so I can nag your about writing an article or two. You’ve practically already written one. I think you could make some really meaningful contributions to this site.
i decided to do just that, mike. i’m still coming to terms with my decision…i’m young, 18. but i want to be a part of this community and help give people like us a chance. let them know we have all the right reasons and that we do, in fact, exist.
unlike most of the people here, i don’t think it’s just a personal choice. it’s a damned good one more people should make.
i am virgin and waiting for my other half……..:)
I totally understand your sentiment, Dani. You don’t like being told you have to settle for a Big Mac when you ordered a filet mignon. Some of us have to set a high standard and remind the rest of us that yes, we were meant for better than this.
I don’t believe I could ever be the one to do that. And it’s not because I’ll take any old thing that comes my way. But when I do find a treasure that some jerk threw out like trash, and then I can polish her up and make her like new again, it’s his loss. So she’s a little used. Too bad. I found her, she found me; and together, we overcame the odds. So when life wants to screw either one of us, it knows where and what it can kiss.
I’ve gotten really good at scouting gems that get thrown out, and separating them from the trash that belongs in trash heaps. Only thing is, I seem to be better at finding and polishing the gems fit for someone else, and playing matchmaker, rather than finding one for myself.
Just as well. My aunt always used to warn me that my “hero complex” would mess up my dating life. In a way, she was sort of right.
I am in a relationship but have fallen for another guy. I slept with my partner out of a desire to rebuild our relationship but regretted it immediately. I fessed up to the other guy and told him that I regret doing so. I am a non-waiter but this guy whom I love is a waiter. I feel so anguished about it and after reading everyone’s comments here I feel terrible about what I have done and about confessing it as well. I don’t know what he is going thru right now. I have contacted him but he has not replied (this is not normal for him). I am also seriously thinking of ending the original relationship but in the meantime, I am so worried this other guy will leave me out of jealousy and hate. What should I do? Pls, no haters I am already very upset about this and am beating myself up for what I have done.
First of all, I just want to say that it is so nice to see that there are waiters out there like me and that one of the seven deadly sins isn’t sweeping the whole world’s population off its feet just yet!
I would really like to share my story here. I am 26 years old and got married seven months ago. We had an arranged marriage and I was convinced that I was marrying my Mr. Right. I asked him several times if he ever had a serious physical affair with anyone and he repeatedly vehemently said no. There was some girl who he said was after him but he never paid any attention to her. Or so he claimed.
After we got married, that girl would regularly call and text my husband. It never really bothered me and he even asked me once if it bothered me and I said “I trust your judgement completely. It will only bother me if it bothers you”. Then, she started texting in the middle of the night and one day I saw her text and it was quite obscene. When I confronted my husband, he said I was making a big deal out of nothing and simply left for work the next day. When I continued hounding him over messaging, he finally admitted that they had been in a FOUR YEAR LONG PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. He said that he was putting up with her messages only because she kept threatening to reveal the truth. I was completely shattered. I picked up my bag and walked out of the house immediately and came to my mother’s house (we live in different cities).
I used to wonder how our sex life was so one-sided, how it was always me who was so fascinated, curious and interested in sex. Now I know – cuz he was never a waiter!!!
I’ve been at my mom’s place for two weeks now and refuse to speak with my husband over the phone. I’ve told only my parents and they are furious with him as well, as we come from a very religious background, where premarital sex is a BIG deal. He keeps texting me that he’s sorry and that he loves me and that it was all his past but somehow, I still can’t come to terms with what has happened. I even feel at times that he may have cheated on me while we were married, though he denies it but how can I possibly trust a single word he says anymore?
She’s touched him everywhere that I’ve touched him. He’s touched her everywhere that he’s touched me. These two thoughts keeps racking my brains day and night and makes the very thought of getting back with him, or even having sex with him ever again so revolting. What’s worse is that he says he was never attracted to her, he was repulsed by her and that the sex with her meant nothing! How can anyone throw away their virginity to someone they don’t even like?!?!? THE VERY THOUGHT IS SCARY! So if, while we are married, if he actually sees a girl a that he IS attracted to, he’ll probably jump into bed with her in a jiffy!
It’s easy to say that he hasn’t betrayed me per se, because he never knew me back then but the fact is that even I never knew him all the while that I turned down the numerous guys who wanted to get physical with me because I was saving myself for my husband and somehow, don’t feel its illogical or expecting a lot to hope for a co-waiter husband. I never even touched or kissed a guy for 25 years of my life, hoping that I would get that one man who defied the long held ‘All men are bas*****’ theory. But I was wrong. I just feel so betrayed, more so by the fact that he waited to tell me the truth till she threatened to disclose it herself.
I am just so angry with him right now that I feel it was pointless waiting all this while. I feel like going and having sex with whichever random guy I meet just to make him realise how I feel! My mind is clogged to such an extent by anger that I can’t think of a single happy memory with him. He comes from a very modest middle class joint family and lives in a small house, whereas I come from a high class nuclear family. However, I still happily adjusted with all of his family and day to day routines (though they were very different from the ones followed in my house) for his sake. I thought all this doesn’t matter as long as it makes the man I love happy. But now, I don’t even feel like going and living that compromised life because I don’t feel my husband deserves any of my sacrifices, or even me anymore. I am so irritated and am honestly contemplating a divorce now. Please help!
i’m 22. i waited but my boyfriend didn’t. it hurts so much at first but it gets better when you don’t think about it. added emotional investment to compensate for their inability to give you all of themselves does make sense. i’ll try to work on that so that our relationship will improve. i love him so much and sometimes when we fight i don’t want to give in because i feel that he should give in to me since his past has hurt me so much and i’m still in the midst of accepting it.
Hey, waiters… I would just advise you to not make the non-waiting party completely miserable and dangle your “purity” over their heads for as long as possible. That is how my now ex-fiance ruined our relationship. I told him right up front that I was not a virgin and had been with 3 other guys during a very tumultuous time in my life. He proceeded to be a complete and total jerkwad about it for months, making me miserable, berating me, treating me like crap, etc., until I couldn’t take his crap anymore and broke up with him. If not waiting is truly a deal breaker for you, break up with the person and spare yourselves a lot of heart break. If it is something you can get beyond, don’t spend too much time dwelling on the self-righteous feelings you have. If you truly care about the non-waiter, you will not belittle them for bad decisions that they made before they even met you.
And oh my God, leave your high and mighty attitudes at the door. To the person saying the thought of losing your virginity to someone you don’t care about is crazy… no, it’s not. A lot of girls get manipulated into having sex as teens. Some girls are raped and that is how they lose it (which does terrible things to their self-esteem). Guys face all sorts of pressure, and most are just not able to stand up to it. There are a MYRIAD of reasons for why people have sex before marriage, not just because they’re selfish pigs who can’t wait for sex, which is what a lot of you seem to be assuming.
Now in Seaflo’s case, his girlfriend committed adultery and she didn’t really try to build up the relationship. So Seaflo, dont get down in the dumps. Stay true to God and he will lead you to the girl of your dreams.
In my case, I am still a virgin and I am dedicated to wait for my wife. Im not to big o finding a virgin, although it will be nice. Even if my wife had a lot of men in her past, I will have to forgive because God has forgiven me. If she repents and wants to wait with me, than that’s good enough. As long as she does not have an STD lol.
I m in relationship with my fiance for 2 and half year and i love him very much and he also loves me very much cares for me alot but before a week he told me about his past and n now i feel really bad whn i think about tht… But i dont want him to get hurt by knowing what i feel.. I still love him very much but i cant get all this things out of my mind and when i see him that thought comes in my mind automatically.. I dont know what i should do.. But i cant live without him.. He is my life.. What should i do?????
Good read, dont know where to start
I dont care about the past i saved myself my virginity and i was always told not to give it up unless you are truly in love with someone i met my boyfriend and i was in love with him and then i come to find out he slept with 2 girls he said his 8 month relationship didnt matter to him he didnt like her and she was ugly and he dated her to just have a girlfriend then he dates the school slut for a month and sleeps with her and then i find out she cheated on him and he was “heart broken” now he denies that he was. I cant get over the fact that he slept with 2 other girls i imagine him with those girls i saved myself to him why is it he didnt save himself for me?
oh and to add on to what i was saying 2 years before i met my boyfriend i was so confident i didnt care if i had sex with someone who wasnt a virgin (keep in mind i was a virgin) and when me and my boyfriend started dating i got really insecure and compared myself to his exs and his family always talks about them so it makes me think they dont like me as much and me and my boyfriend love eachother so much we have been together for 1 and a half and its been the best year but he has no worries he doesnt have to compare himself to anyone i have to worry if he had better sex with other girls and if there body is better then mine and how oral was with other girls, when i met my boyfriend i had not done anything and i know he did oral with other girls and it crushed me because if we broke up would he remember me? i wasnt his first. i know i need to get over it but its so hard when i see his ex everyday and braggs about sleeping with him and text him all the time.
I HAVE TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM SEX , I ALWAYS HAVE A COVENANT WITH GOD NOT HAVE SEX TILL I GET MARRIED .I KEEP THIS FOR A YEAR OR TWO THEN I BREAK IT AGAIN AND AFTER I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THAT. WHAT DO I DO TO STAY AWAY FROM IT BEFORE I GET MARRIED.I AM 20YRS OF AGE AND I COME FROM AFRICA(GHANA).I HAVE A BOY FRIEND WHO ALWAYS TRY TO AROUSE ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM WHICH I DO NOT AGREE WHAT DO I DO BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
Hey Mike
I am in need of some help. I am in a relationship (recently got engaged) and I love my fiance. She is the light of my life and I know that she is my soulmate. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, and I know God has shown me that she is the one. Both of us have a sexual history with other partners, but mine was definitely worse. I have always wanted to be happily married to one woman and one woman only for my whole life. However, most of my past relationships were very brief. Due to this, I was naive in the area of long term relationships and it has caused me to hurt my fiance in many ways.
I was at first very open about my past, in fact too open to the point where she became angry with me. Because of this when confronted with women I knew and questioned about my past with them, I lied or tried to brush it off because I knew it would upset her, which was obviously a horrible and wrong thing to do. I can’t fully explain why I did it, I feel that I had been a liar in the past so unfortunately my knee jerk reaction in pressure situations was to do just that.
As well, in our early days of dating I shared with her that I had watched pornography while we were dating. This is something that I had struggled with since my teenage years. I had always wanted it out of my life, but could never seem to do it. When I told her about it she explained to me that to her, it is no different than cheating and I agree with her. Because of her I no longer watch pornography.
As well, one of my ex’s is of a different race. This has given my fiance lots of doubt in that she is even the “type” of woman I want. I try to reassure her that even though I was attracted to a woman of a different race at one point it does not mean I have some sort of preference to a certain race of person. It is still hard for her to believe this because she is attracted only to men of my race.
Early in our relationship I still had a facebook account. I am part of a network marketing company, so I try to keep open ties to people in case of possible business in the future. I had also lied to my fiance about going to coffee’s with other girls because I thought it would upset her, which again I know was wrong. I have had my facebook account deactive for the past 6 months and I reactivated it today to remove everything from my pages and permanently delete it. When I did this, she viewed my wall on her phone and became upset about women writing on it from before I had deactivated it, but while we were still dating. That is why I am writing you now because we just had one of our biggest fights about that.
I feel like such a horrible person because of all of these problems. Because of my horrible decisions in the past and early in our relationship I cause the woman I love most in this world a lot of pain.
I’m not asking for sympathy or a message talking about what we both can change. I am the one who wronged her, and I need to know what I can do to show her that I love her more than anything on earth, I would do anything for her, and no woman in my past, present, or future will ever, ever change that. I know the main reason I am still hurting her is because I broke her trust. I know this may take years or even a lifetime to restore, but I am willing to go through all of that for her.
If you can offer any guidance (scripture to read) it would be most appreciated.
Thank you
Two years ago I came across a list hidden in a drawer (I was putting something away, not snooping) of all the men that my then girlfriend has been with. First and last name with a date that they first had sex. I wanted to die right then and there. To make it worse her list is SIGNIFICANTLY larger than mine. She had a 2 year old when I met her so I’m no prude in thinking she’s never had sex before. We can’t talk about it without fighting so I stupidly put it behind me and TRIED to forget about it. Weve been married for 11 months and there’s not a day since I found that list that I haven’t thought about it. Eats me alive on the inside. Everyone says “get over it!” Believe me, I want to, but I’m not willing to compromise my values and morals like that. It’ll cause us to divorce before long. Please help!!!
Mike, you have written excellently and every perspective of yours is helpful. I would love to read more from you. Keep writing.
Hello,
I read this article with great interest even though my situation is not very similar (yet able to be related).
I am not a virgin and have been with a few girls. My girlfriend, who I care for deeply, has only been with one man. Her ex-husband (who I have never met, but all of our mutual friends know). She was married early and she says it was because she was young and naive and just wanted a boyfriend/husband. He took her virginity.
I understand that many people will think of me as a hypocrite, but the girls I have been with meant nothing to me and I am somewhat ashamed of my actions, while my girlfriend means the world to me. She says that she did not have the feelings she has for me with her husband (even though, yes obviously, she had used the love word with him when they were together – obviously not anymore). It kills me since I have never used that word with a girl until my girlfriend. It felt like a certain type of virginity in itself. I feel all of the emotions written in this article. Neither of us were virgins (and even though I have been with more partners, she has definitely had sex more than I have). I can imagine that many times she was having sex it was from passionate love (while for me it never was that). It kills me because I imagine it. (I am definitely thinking about seeing a therapist).
We have talked about marriage – which freaks me out on a whole different level because I am having these feelings that I am talking about and I imagine that you are not supposed to have these feelings when you want to commit to someone like that)
She is so attached to me emotionally (more than I, just because I keep my distance just a little because these bad emotions scare me). But I have basically promised to marry her, which scares me. I don’t want to break her heart. However, just the thought of not being with her and seeing her with another man makes me have a heart attack.
Please help me make sense of it!
If you are in pain from any experience similar to the ones you read here, I can tell you that with time and help you can feel better. It’s up to you now because the past can’t be changed. My wife and I were waiters. 12 years into our marriage, she told me that she wasn’t a virgin when we met. My heart exploded and I actually went dark for a few seconds and almost passed out. I made the mistake of asking for all of the details too. Ultimately, this experience has made me a better person. It was very, very tough on me and I struggled mightily. I still struggle occasionally. I’m not a churchy person, but I lean a lot on the parable of the debtor and also Jesus’s interaction with the adulterer. I encourage you to read about both of those. We are all quick to forget how quickly we are forgiven by others. If you are in pain, please remember the most important ingredient to feeling better: You must give up the right to punish your spouse/gf/bf for their sexual mistakes – whether it be talking about it, letting them see you upset about it, or just letting bitterness fester. Also, fully forgiving another for something that hurt you very deeply puts you in a great spot for being forgiven by God, which is a good feeling. Furthermore, you aren’t perfect. You may have heard that not forgiving and forgetting is the greater sin. I now know this to be true, because my pain has been much greater than my wife’s. She came to realize her mistakes and moved past them to forgiveness. I let it fester, and not being quick to forgive and forget almost destroyed me. Its not your job to determine if she has suffered enough to be forgiven. Finally, this experience has made me less judgmental, and made me a more effective person in helping others with their challenges. As cheesy as it sounds, in many ways I am grateful that my heart exploded that day. I am a much better person because of it.
“truth is everyone is going to hurt you, the challenge is finding the ones worth being hurt for”
rastaman bob marley
I have been married for 32years and we now have 2 wonderful children who are now in their teens. Before we got married, we dated for 10 years because I was in Europe whilst he went to Africa for a year. I later joined in in Africa (where we both grew up and we have family ties)and we continued to see each other. We then got married. The first 10 years of my marriage was very rocky as my husband cheated on me with several women. When we spoke about it he would deny it. When we relocated to Europe from Africa he changed but it was not sudden I discovered he had relationships here and there which did not last for a long time. What surprises me though is that he wants me to tell him about my past sexual experiences with men before we got married and he says it turns him on. If I ask him about his sexual experiences he tells me too and explains everything in detail. Could you please tell me what this means. Is it a normal thing for a man to get turned on because of my past sexual experiences. I find this weird please help.
Its damn difficult to take things out of your head……….I have tried my best……everytime I think the times my husband spent with his girlfriend even when I was not there…… my heart sinks……….God help me please………help me
I always wanted to be one woman’s man. Lots of girls proposed me, even for sex but somehow i belive in ONE-LOVE and My frnds respect me for that.
But i think too much. I speculate, if i get any NON-WAITER, i will just…huh! Its too hard to explain.
Btw, i found this post LESS painful than others on internet.
All videos on youtube regarding VIRGINITY THOUGHTS are so immoral. I mean how can you not bother about one’s virginity with whome you gonna have your 1st time…it sucks
I recently found that this world has no value for virginity things…it hurts me and makes me angry. I sometime feels like turning to a ‘playboy’ so that i can emotionaly hurt that type of girls…but then i think, i should wait untill i get my 1st love.
I dont know why i wrote this much, but i just wanted to let it out, and i did.
Wow this is by far the best article I’ve read…I’ve gone through all these phases sadly…I met the perfect girl…shes the nicest sweetest girl you could ever meet..and she’s stunningly beautiful…but..there’s that one thing.:.im the waiter and she’s not…she lost it to a guy who she though shed marry..they were together for 9 months…they only did it 3 times and has done everything else as well..although the pain is lessening..its still there…its going to be our 6 months soon and we talked about it and I want to lose it to her to help myself and our relationship…she was fine with this because she says I’m the one for her..that she’s knows I’d make a great husband and father…and I feel that she too would be a great mother and wife.. We’ve already planned our life together and it isn’t the typical highschool sweetheart dream…I’d say we’re both pretty intelligent and can see that what we have isnt like everyone else’s…even though she’s made some indirect comments about being ashamed she’s never actually directly said it..should I ask her? And am I right thinking the pain will lessen once we make love? Not just for lust…but because we both love each other…dearly..and I really believe without a doubt in my mind that I want to marry this girl.. Please and thank you to any commenters or/and responders
@Jonathan
I’ve been in your situation before, almost exactly. I tortured myself over the fact that my girlfriend had been with one guy less than 5 times who she loved dearly.
Let me tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself: Having sex 3 times with one guy is nothing —- NOTHING. By the standards of every other girl in existence, she is practically a virgin too. You’re splitting hairs over the sexual history she DOES have when you should be thanking your lucky stars that this wonderful girl ONLY has this tiny, morally-sound blip of history. There’s still so much left to be special between you (if you can win and keep her heart, which it sounds like you have).
Of course, that’s probably difficult for you to accept. You’re probably still too hung up on mental pictures. Since you don’t know details, you’re filling in the gaps with everything you fear. Stop doing that. If she’s only had sex 3 times, those 3 times probably weren’t anything crazy. It was probably pretty basic stuff that will be quickly dwarfed by all the stuff you’re going to do once you’re married. There’s LOTS of room for you to improve on.
Look. LOOK at what you have in front of you right now. The past is gone, and it’s really not that bad. It’s even better that she did it with somebody she loved. That means you don’t have to worry about her going out and cheating or anything like that. For her, sex requires love. That is more than 90% of the population will say. You have found a gem.
Again, look at what you have. Every time you guilt her over the past it pushes her away from you.
Here’s the solution: Even if it rips you up inside, never let her see a hint of it. To her, you are supercool, you are mature, you empathize with where she was coming from back then, and you know it can’t be changed. Don’t let her feel guilty about it; not for a second. Reassure her and wave it off like it’s not a big deal to you. Tell her that it doesn’t matter. Tell her not to give it a second thought. Tell her you love her now and you’re looking forward to all the great times you’re going to have together and that’s all that matters.
Make her be in AWE of how cool and accepting you are about it. Make HER accept it for herself. And don’t just do it for her. Do it for yourself.
Because here’s your real motivation: You don’t want her thinking about him. You don’t want her thinking back on those moments with her ex at all, even if just to defend or damn them. You want her to ignore those memories, and focus on you and focus on now. Because the more she focuses on you and how awesome you are, the more those old memories of her ex will fade and matter even less.
When you bring up her past, it makes her think about her past, and that strengthens the memory for her. You don’t want those memories to be stronger. You want those memories to fade and die of neglect because you’ve given her something new and more shiny to think about (you, here, now, the future).
The “have sex to feel better about it” plan would work OK, but then you’d probably start questioning how many positions, etc. And don’t pretend it will be easy to just suddenly stop once you start. If you want to have sex, do it. If you want to wait till marriage, do that. But I caution you against deciding to have sex simply to kill the pain of the past. That’s not a good reason.
Also, you might as well tell her you’re a virgin if you haven’t already. But again, downplay it. You can jokingly say “So you’ll be my first and I hope you can be a little patient!” Don’t make her feel guilty, don’t use the word “only” because then she will think back on her own past, and that will keep the past alive.
And if it’s too late and you’ve already guilt-tripped her to hell over all this, then you can still have a “sudden moment of clarity” and start working on the new, better attitude right now. You can still save it.
Don’t know if any of that helped. But good luck!
-Mike
I felt so alone until I came across your site. Thanks Mike!
So I’m a virgin waiting til marriage and I’ve tried getting over all of this on my own because after all, it’s really my problem and not my boyfriend’s (non-waiter) problem. The thing with that is I always felt so alone because he could never acknowledge how I felt. It made me feel a bit better after telling him how I was feeling.
I guess the only way for me to really get over all this is if he shows me that he really cares. Are there any non-waiter guys out there who can share their stories of how they helped their waiter girlfriends get over this? After all, I really do think it takes effort from both people to work through all this together… That’ll really help.
Dear Mike,
Oh my I don’t know where to begin. Well first let me start off by saying it was both a relief and a comfort reading your article. I have felt very alone in my beliefs on waiting to have sex not really just for marriage my belief is more waiting for the right someone you truly love and truly loves you in return. I feel like no one places any value on sex anymore and that sex and love are somehow two totally separate things. I take such issue with that. people saying oh it’s just sex its no big deal. But it is and when did it stop being a big deal? If it wasn’t it wouldn’t have the power it has over people and have such an effect on the world. Sex can be wonderful and make you feel loved and wanted and closer and connted to the person your with. Sex can can make you feel just the opposite you can feel used and dirty and worthless and more alone. Sex can be used as a tool to control and destroy.Sex can create life and form family’s. Sex can spread disease and and cause death. Sex is anything but no big deal. I believe people’s view on sex and marriage in this day in age is the cause of the crazy divorce rate. I could go on and on about it lol but I think I am just preaching to the choir here. Anyway my real reason for writing on this blog is to reach out for some advice. I am married to the man of my dreams and I love him in every way. Buuuttt …. I have a growing resentment towards him about his past. He knows somewhat about how I feel about it. We talked more about it when we where dating. And had a few pretty bad fights over it i defiantly drew some blood. Our arguments mostly ended with him shutting me down by saying I have no right for being mad at things in the past that he cant change.That really its none of my business what has happened in his past because he didn’t know me then. He has also said he understands that I don’t have to like it or agree with it but I have no right to be mad at him or judge him. And I agreed with all of his points and said to myself to let it go there is so much more to this man than his past there is so much that I love about him that I can look beyond my issues over it and stop being selfish. And beating him over the head with things he has no power to change. So it got better I thought it was behind me. We now have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful baby girl. But it still eats away at me almost every day I cant stop obsessing over it. I want to talk to him about but I can never bring myself to do it. I don’t want to push him away. And it’s been at least 2 years since we have talked at all about it. And I know he can tell there is something bothering me because when it’s really bad and I have been dwelling on it he can see it on my face he will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll just tell him nothing. And he knows I am lying but I just can form the words to say. Its so painful at times it brings me to tears and I am speechless. I even get uncomfortable when where watching a movie together and there is a sex scene I have to leave the room sometimes so he won’t notice that I am upset. I feel crazy and very depressed over it at times. The pain is so great sometimes I wish I never meet him and feel in love with him. And I know that’s horrible and very wrong to say and I made the choice to marry him knowing full well of what I was getting myself into. I feel like I can’t live with him and I would just die without him. HLEP! I thought about showing him your article because you really pegged it how I feel about the whole thing. But his argument is I have no right to have those feelings because what he has done in the past is in the past it wasn’t towards me in any way how could it be he didn’t even know me then.
I forgot to add that my husbands sexualpast has been pretty extensive he has been with many many women.I think that’s what makes it so hard for me to get over.
For those virgins out there who are thinking about having sex with your partner for the sake of “evening out the playing field” I would highly advise against it. Remember your reasons and conviction for abstaining in the first place. Giving your virginity is a one-time deal and you’ll have to live with the consequences if you didn’t really think it through. The guilt you feel the day after is not worth it, no matter how much it “felt right” during the moment. You’ll end up feeling guilty, upset, horrible and then you’ll get angry at your partner, too (even though – assuming – everything was consensual). If you feel really bad the next day but they feel great, you’ve just put yourself in a horrible position. You don’t want to hurt their feelings but at the same time, you really don’t want to do it anymore – it gets difficult to say “no.” If you force yourself to do it for their sake, to make them happy, sex will have lost its meaning and you’ll have greatly derailed from your initial conviction. Would you be able to admit that to yourself and be able to live with yourself because of that? Also, if the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll be dating again…and what if you find another virgin? You’d be putting them through the same exact hell that you’re going through right now. Would you be willing to risk that chance of inadvertently hurting your future spouse? There’s no sealed deal until the exchange of “I Do.” Seriously people – really, really think it over.
Thank you Mike! Believe it or not your response has been a big help! I could already feel the weight dissipating from my shoulders!:) I can now go on with a clearer, more educated conscience, thanks to you! I will take your advise and use it wisely. As long as I am not too nonchalant for her to think I do not care for her.>.< But I understandthe point, and for that, I thank you.
This website is so wonderful. In my circle of friends I thought I was the last waiter I knew. It’s good to know others exist. Someone made a comment asking how the experience of waiters is after marriage so I thought I’d share. I was a virgin until I married my husband when we were both in our twenties. He was not a waiter but was not entirely open about his sexual past. I was naive and in love at the time so when he confessed his past of being with another woman I kind of skimmed over it and moved on. Now more than two years into the marriage I discovered that he cheated during our engagement, he simply wasn’t able to wait. My lack of “experience” put a strain early on in our marriage. I felt insecure and inadequate while he felt frustrated. I say all this as a word of caution to those who are waiting but take lightly the fact that their significant others haven’t waited. Talk It over seriously. Consider the emotions discussed here but don’t let your love pressure you into making a commitment that you may regret in the future.
I’m so happy that I found this website, I’m going through this with my current girlfriend right now. The thing that really bugs me is the fact that she had random hookups, to be honest if it was sex within the confines of a relationship I would have no problem. She claims she did it because she was lonely. I frankly I do not believe her.
It is such a relief to meet people who are dealing with the same problem I am dealing with. My boyfrend and I have been dating for three years now and it was two years ago that he confessed to me he was not a virgin. I was devastated and struggled with his past for a really long time. In fact, I am still struggling with it. I almost feel as if all my efforts to build boundaries with guys and remain pure have been in vain since the person whom I am madly in love with and want to marry did not wait for me as I did for him. I am actually surprised to read how many guys are dealing with this issue with their girlfriends since to me it always seemed like girls were the ones who were waiting while guys squandered their virginity. But it is comforting to see that there are guys in this world who want to wait for sex and aren’t just following blindly the sexual frenzies of other males around them. I honestly never really thought those guys existed until now.
However, my dilemma still remains. Is it worth it to stay with this person knowing that I may move past but never truly forget his sexual past? Can I ever overcome the daunting thought that those sexual relationships will forever be a part of ours? Will our first time still be as special as if we had both waiting or will he be reminded of those other girls? Please, from a guy’s standpoint who had been there done that I would really like to know what my boyfriend is possibly going through and if he’ll ever be able to FORGET-yes I said it- forget those encounters and start fresh with me?
My boyfriend of three years revealed to me two years ago that he had had oral and anal sex but be swore to me that he never had vaginal sex. I am a virgin son this came as a devastating shock for me but since I love him I have chosen to forgive him and stay with him. However, he has lied to me before about how far he has gone with girls so how do I know that he is telling me the truth about never having “actual sex” (vaginal) and thus still somewhat considering himself a virgin? My fear is that if we get married I will years later find out that he did have vaginal sex.
My problem isn’t the fact that she is not a waiter, its her sexual past. I’ve found out that she has kissed a girl before and I dont really know if im over reacting but its hard to think that she would go as far as to kiss the same gender, to want to expirament. For example i’m all for her having fun single, but its hard to believe she would go to that extend. A guy kisses a guy and its not expiramenting its just gay, a girl does the same n its totally acceptable why? Idk. Like I said its just probably me but i’d really would like an opinion
Is it a given that we will always get these intense negative emotions with whomever non-waiter we date? Or with the ”right one” these feelings would be put to rest much easier? Please share your experiences….
I’m 28 and a non waiter. I’ve only had 2 sexual partners in very committed relationships. My problem is that I’ve been dating this waiter for 8 months, who in the past has been more promiscuous than I have. What bothers me the most is that he had sex and gave himself to people who he was in serious relationships with, his longest being 5 years, and one night stands, but now he won’t give me what he has already given other people. I would think differently if he was a virgin, but he’s not. The more I care about him, the more I’m jealous of his past serious partners. I feel extremely unwanted. I have a very high sex drive (even when I’m a woman), and feel that I have morals, because I don’t just give myself out to any Joe, Dick and Harry. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? Help!
i just got thru asking someone if they had slept around in between the obvious circumstances that i knew. she said yes …several. so my attitude is do not get mad…even though i am…just get what you want. which is what i am going to do. people are stuck in old habits. i have to admit that i want to mouth off and snap, but i know i can play this like chess and end up feeling better about a stupid situation that i am involved in. dont get mad …just get what you want
play the game…but try to play to WIN. leave them more hurt than they can possibly leave you. and too bad. too bad! which end do you want to be on?
@Jenna – If he’s a born-again, then he may feel the need to be extra harsh on the issue to keep his own thoughts in line. His attitude should calm down and improve in time, so patience will help. Pushing him on it will make it worse.
Eventually, see if he’ll meet you half way. I’m probably going to get flamed for saying that, but I’ve seen lots of waiter couples succeed (i.e., make it to marriage happily) with some sort of half-way compromise on physical intimacy. This will be a harder sell for you if you have to pry him away from what he thinks his church friends expect of him though (if that’s an issue). Time will help with that too. You just don’t want him to feel pressured from both sides.
If he’s afraid of being judged by his church friends for striking a compromise with you (many born-agains are self-conscious about thier history to the point of being paranoid about judgement by religious peers), ask him to actually talk to the people that he so wants to please and fit in with. Tell him to ask them not what they think he should do, but what they do in their own relationships.
Virginity is nothing but a social construct. And please consider this: is allowing someone access to your previously untouched genitals really the best you have to offer? You have nothing more important to contribute to a marriage that is more valuable than this? If you were a “waiter” who was lied to, your problem is that you are married/dating a LIAR, not that your partner wasn’t a virgin when you married.
If you are so obsessed with the fact that you can’t say your partners vagina/penis hasn’t historically always been “mine mine mine!!” then get out of the relationship. I guarantee you your “non waiter” is rolling their eyes at you anyway, completely unable to figure out why you’re so possessive of their privates. If the fact that your “non waiter” has not only pledged his/her complete physical fidelity to you, but also agrees to GIVE UP sex for an indeterminate amount of time for you, then do both of you a favor and move on. Your “values” are just too different to make it work (with you valuing total ownership of him/her over anything else, and him/her valuing you as a human being). Do the sexually active a favor and just keep amongst your own.
Hi Mike,
Thanks for your article. It was nice to read something that wasn’t just simply saying ‘get over it’ because I don’t know about other people but as with most things I find that it’s easier said then done…
I’ve been with my partner for about 5 months now, and we’ve both had sexual partners before and we’ve both been in committed relationships before. I’ve never found peoples sexual pasts an issue before, however my current girlfriend told me – totally out of the blue – that she’d had 16 sexual partners including me and we’re both only 18. I don’t know why but for some reason in this relationship it really bothers me. I’ve only been with three women, however the difference in number doesn’t daunt me, and I don’t feel insecure about the fact that they might have been better then me it just simply hurts and I really don’t know why. I don’t mind about the guys she’s slept with in relationships because to me thats expected and simply part of a relationship, however it’s the amount of guys she’s simply just slept with on one night stands, or just because she can that bothers me. It’s starting to really worry me how much it gets to me. It’d be alright if I was simply worried that I’m not ‘good enough’, but it’s not that at all. I really don’t know what it is, and I know it’s petty to even care but I do. If anyone has any thoughts I would be grateful.
Hi.
I want to have some tips, how to get over problem like this.
I have girlfriend. We are around 5 months together. In start i knew that she is not a virgin, but i was ok with that, but now i think more and more of that and it hurts like hell. Before that i had been with different girls, but in hart, i believe that i gave my virginity to her, and now i feel bad. I gave her something very important and didn’t get the same in return. She have had 2 other partners before, and she didn’t had feelings for them. She says im the best and she wants to be with me, but im feeling realy bad, how to get over this, because i love this girl so much and i want to be with her, but i feel different right now…
Beleive me, this is the best article about this sexual matter, all over the internet.
I’m waiting for the appropriate one who deserve me ! This person would be my husband ..Sexual relations have to be in a legal way
I do understand wanting someone who is “equal” to you, especially in the virginity department. I’ll suggest that when you are 18, there is good chance of finding another virgin that you also like/love enough to want to marry (I mean, JUST because he is a virgin, it doesn’t mean he’s a match). I will suggest to your girls out there that as you age, you find that the guys you tend to go out with are also getting older. When you are 25, you are far more likely to be fining 30-year old guys more attractive/interesting than 20-year olds. And herein lies the problem (from a real life 28 year old) . . . the number of available men over 30 who are virgins AND do not look like trolls and/or have a major psychological problem are exceptionally rare finds (and you still have that basic compatibility issue). So, I’ve adopted a two-year rule. If the guy has been free from sexual misbehavior for the last two years, has never been a man-slut (e.g., if he’s been with 20 girls, that’s still a deal killer), and doesn’t have a disease left-over from before that 2 year period, I’ll accept it.
I don’t see it as compromise, I see it as a realistic approach to the realistic state of this fallen world we live in. Younger guys (like 16 through 25 maybe) have a VERY tough time saying “no” when a cute girl puts the moves on him; and let’s face it, there are a LOT of cute girls out there who have no problem putting the moves on a guy. I’m not making excuses for guys, I’m just trying to be understanding. Just think how hard it has been for YOU to say no at times, and from everything I’ve ever read, guys have a LOT more hormones egging them on than we do.
And to you guys out there, I might suggest that a lot of girls(women) have suffered from “bad decision syndrome,” like the story that Jon posted on July 29, 2011. The girl (his girlfriend) in his post made several bad mistakes at the same time: (1) she drank at age 17 (a literal crime), and highly stupid to drink for the first time in a situation that wasn’t extremely controlled, no matter what your age is — you never know how YOU will handle alcohol; (2) she got into a bed at another person’s house, again without any control on who else might come in there; (3) a guy say an opportunity (I’m guessing she is cute and friendly), so he figured why not see what he could get; (4) she went along with it (probably because she was drunk, but truth is, unless she was passed out and he raped her, she actually wanted to do it and her inhibitions that would have normally stopped were gone because of the alcohol). Notice, that three of the mistakes did NOT involve sex. About that item #4, having a couple of drinks (or even just one for some skinny girls) can totally shut down your inhibitions — and if you’ve ever seen a drunk person, they say stuff they never would say when sober (they might think it, they just don’t say it) and try stupid stunts they would never do when sober (like diving from a 3rd floor balcony into the shallow end of a pool); drunk people also fall into sex situations because that part of their brain that says “no” when they are sober is not working, the only part of their brain that works is the “do what you want to do” part.
I hope this helps somebody out there. I’ll just say that marriage isn’t about finding a perfect person, it is about finding the perfect person for you. Yes, you need to be sure that a guy’s past (drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, yadda yadda) for-sure is in the PAST. Actually, the violence is the most difficult one for me to get over, because most violent people have a loose wire in their brain, and I’m not sure they are ever healed. OK, I have rambled long enough.
Hi. I really like this site. It really showed me how to deal with things. My story may be different than everyone elses, but I too, struggle with my boyfriend’s past daily.
My boyfriend and I are both 19 (young I know). We have been dating for a year and a half now. When we started dating I was 18, and he was 17, almost 18. We both told eachother our pasts, and I seemed to be ok with his. He had slept with a girl before when he was 17, a few months before he started dating me. He had only done things with that one girl. I, on the other hand had done stuff with a bunch of guys, but I never went all the way and had sex. I lost my virginity to him, and today I regret. Not because he treats me poorly, but because i can’t get over his past. One day it just hit me, and I cant get it out of my head. We have gotten in so many fights about it, and actually broke up once because i felt like i could no longer take it. I asked him about his ex and the experience and he told me things, I wish I never knew. It hurts me so much that he would go and just do it with her after she cheated on him, and had sex with other dudes. He said he did it because he was jealous how other guys had her. It makes me so upset! I was able to say NO to so many guys, and he can’t say no to the one girl who screwed him over?! He gave his body to her, a girl who treated him like crap. I feel like I just get the left overs. I need help, and need advice about how I should deal with this and get over it. I really do love him, and I feel that is why this is so hard. I don’t need any rude comments back please, I am already very hurt and upset.
I forgot, we both decided not to have sex anymore until marriage (hopefully to eachother). I thought this would help prove his love, and help us to get over this topic, but it doesn’t. It just wont go away
. I have always wanted to wait til I got married, and I don’t understand how people can go and do it with a bunch of people! I could never do that! Maybe thats why it hurts me so much? Please, I just need advice.
I need some advice and to share my situation, this site seems more friendly than most places on the internet.
I am having difficulties dealing with the sexual history of my girlfriend. We have been dating for 9 months and I am very much in love with her. I am 27 and she is 24. She has only had sex with one person and it didn’t bother me much at first, but I have recently developed feelings as though I cannot deal with this. We were friends before we started dating and I believed she had not had sex before; I think this may be why I am struggling to deal with the situation (perhaps, that is me trying to rationalize it).
The feeling that makes me feel worse is I am not completely innocent. When I was 14 I had sexual relations with another guy (yes did about everything I can do to another guy). When I was 21 I started to try to chase woman in an effort to be what society “expected of a man.” Meaning try to have sex with anything female that moves. I got myself in a few situations where things happened, but I never actually had sex. When I was like this I felt like I was trying to take advantage of women; this feeling made me hate myself. As a result, I changed and decided I would wait for someone I really wanted to be with. It took me 6 years to date someone I really wanted to be with.
To further complicate matters I stopped waiting and had sex with her. Now it feels extremely shallow for me to have these feelings regarding her past. I have, yet again, compromised my own morals and can’t justify why my feelings are not just selfish, but, at the same time, I cannot figure out how to get rid of the feelings. Please help me deal with my feelings.
I’m glad I found this article. My partner tells me a lot about his sexual history – and he’s been with quite a few people, most are casual. I try to be accepting and not read too much into it but It’s been really bothering me for the last few days, I tumble and turn at night thinking he’s gonna cheat on me. Then I get this mental image stuck in my head of him and someone else. I’d wake up in the morning thinking “Fuck this, it’s not going to work out” then later realise how irrational it is. I laughed at the first point, it was my first reaction, “How could you do that, I would never do that I have morals” etc… Now i realise our differences, he doesn’t regret what he’s done in his past just as I don’t in mine.
This article is really what I feel as of the moment. I found out that guy i’m dating right now isnt a virgin about 9months ago.. We werent dating then. We were just friends. It’s just now that it struck me that I feel soooo bad that I am a waiter and he is not. He’s been with 4 women! I love him and I know what I want to do…. I want to get past it. I want to move on and look forward to a better future with him…. I don’t know how to do this….
Help?
Hello Everyone!
I know this article is over a year old however I really found the original article by Mike plus all the comments from you amazing people consoling and I’d really like to share my experiences with you all.
There are a number of articles on the net regarding this topic written by bitter people and the articles themselves will not help you. Mike has clearly experienced the topic at hand and knows what he is talking about.
I am not a waiter and neither is my partner. I am such a hypocrite because Ive had more sexual experience than her but her sexual past has continued to haunt me for some time.
I love my fiance and soon to be wife deeply. There is nothing I would not do for her. My feelings for her transcend government, law, religion and anything else you can think of.
I asked my partner about her sexual past and she feels very protected, safe and open with me so she told me everything honestly.
Her number is rather small but the fact that men have used and abused her and she stayed with them devastates me. It makes me worry deeply. I lose sleep. I obsess. My imagination is my worst enemy. Usually if my imagination is torturing me Ill ask her for a particular detail and find relief because the truth is not half as bad as my imagination.
I do understand that I have to get over this. If I am asked a question about my ex I really have to stop and think about it because that person is a fading and distant memory. So I realize every time I ask her I am giving power to that memory. Which annoys me in itself. I dont want to do it but i feel compelled.
My partner is an amazing, caring, thought full and loving woman. When I told her how I feel she apologized to me and told me she wished she had waited for me and that itself really helped me. I know it hurts her deeply when she see’s I’m in pain.
I find myself in my mind saying “if she only waited 5 years I could have been her first, I could have taught her everything and showed her real love”
We have an amazing life together in every area but I constantly am tortured by my imagination and the fact that I will never be able to dominate her in bed how others have.
I guess ultimately the two options are: get over it and work on making her the happiest woman on planet earth or let my insecurity and jealousy consume me further …blame her…damage her….condition her….ultimately to the point where there is no turning back and everything is damaged beyond repair.
Anyway I know Im a huge hypocrite but I just felt like sharing.
Thanks.
Its so stupid and illogical. She didnt even know me back then.
I recently found out the girl I am falling in love with has (in a recent past) slept with a old friend (now enemy) of mine. She does not even acknowledges him when they see each-other but I cannot stop thinking about how this girl could talk herself into sleeping with such person.
Ironically enough, this has happened in the past, with the same “enemy”. Except the previous girl was a slut, who had slept with many people I knew and continued to talk to them as friends.
I need to know if this is a deal breaker.
My boyfriend found this article and showed it to me. We have both “not waited” with each other but I had also “not waited” with someone before him. Before we got together he didn’t seem to mind, but as our relationship progressed (almost 2 years now) it has bothered him more and more. I feel awful about my past and would never want him to be hurt by it. I know he has felt every one of the emotions listed in this post, because he has expressed it to me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can make him more comfortable with me. He is the love of my life and I can’t afford to lose him. If anyone has advice on how to help him through this tough period please let me know.
@Anonymous – That’s a good question. I’ll have to write a future article on how to deal with sexual history issues from the other perspective (as the one whose partner is upset).
For starters, be patient. Extremely patient. Even when he lashes out and says horrible things. Put everything in context of the fact that he’s only upset because he has feelings for you. Try not to view his turmoil as a threat to how he feels about you. He wants to find a way to get past this. He just doesn’t know how at the moment, because all he can see are those horrible mental pictures.
Also — this may just work on guys — anything that you can do to rebuild his ego will help. Help him feel that he’s better than that other guy. Show him that he has more of you (physically). Make him pity the other guy.
That should be a start. Please post updates as your situation progresses if you can!
Hi mike, After reading your article and the comments everyone had given. I got the courage to share my story. I’m a fairy tale believer, who was waiting for her prince charming to come and sweep her off the floor. When I got 19. I started talking with a guy and within 2 months I fell in love with him. I had never met him though, but what he told and the way he cared about me I was totally in love with him. We met after 7 months, we didn’t disclose each others identity totally. We both had our secrets… But when we met, things slipped and we ended up having sex. We had accepted each other as being a couple. Slowly we came to know each other secrets too, we weren’t exactly what we depicted ourselves to be but we accepted each other for whatever we were. From then on after every 3-4 months for next 3 years, we used to meet and have sex and enjoy our time with each other. Its been 3 years since we last met and we don’t talk that much coz I have broken off with him due to realizing that there far more things, moral values, family, one’s own hard work of becoming and fulfillin ur dreams, which have to be seen and taken care of. If tempted by the same sex or even being intimate with my partner I would like to wait till being married. But I cann’t seem to forgive myself of this guilt and at times feel that no one will ever accept me who i’m, but I’ve begun to love myself, I do cry at times and feel angry too. I’m trying to forgive my self, I try to connect with god and build my faith. But of entering in a relationship and that also of telling my whole part to the other person really scares me, knowing that this person will always be hurt and so will I be too.
Another perfect page outlining how the doctrines of religion to do with human relationships creates more damage than harmony. Good job bible bashers.
Hello Dear writer,
whoever says past is past is either careless with no heart or ignorant.
Yes the facts you mentiones ARE really heartbreaking unless the person is so kind and caring to you, so he/she resolve it for you or help you.
I have never had the experience of dating someone and finding out a woman is not a virgin (I have not dated yet), but I imagine I would have “wounded pride” and “shattered fantsasy.” I don’t like to call it a “fantasy,” though, as I do not believe it is a fantasy for me to believe sex would be more special for me if I am with a fellow virgin. I think the author may have used the term “fantasy” to mean something you have thought of that has not happened yet, though, so I don’t think it is neccessarily wrong that the term was used. I would not continue to date or marry a woman who is not a virgin, even if I really liked her otherwise. But, for those who would (and there is nothing wrong with that) I would imagine it is exteremely important to be able to move past their sexual history.
Thank You.
Great article Mike, I enjoyed reading!
Its amazing how many comments are directed towards people hurting trying to get over their current lovers sexual past. This is a major issue for relationships today. My story may help and give hope to those that are hurting from their partner’s haunting past. Figured this would be a good halloween true story… anyway… I was a waiter who is now divorced from who I waited for. After the divorce I started seeing someone who I grew to love again pretty quickly. At first she seemed so sweet and innocent and judging by our conversations I began to feel that she might still be a virgin. She was 26 and I was 30 at the time. We grew to be best friends and talked about everything. This turned out to be a very bad idea when it came to her sexual past. I remember it like it was yesterday, laying and cuddling (no sex) she told me she had slept with 20 other guys! Instantly I was shocked, hurt, and felt cheated. My biggest mistake was for the next 3 or 4 months I kept prying in and wanting more details… and she gave them. Lost her virginity at 17, had a threesome with two guys at 18, threesome with a guy and girl at 19, 10+ one night stands at 20 and 21… slept with guys of different race… had one relationship that lasted 6 months at 22 but then had a one night stand with his best friend. One night stand with a guy 13 years older than her. Had guys texting her dirty pictures of themselves… I think you get the point. This hurt bad enough and I loved her so much at the same time that I actually felt like ending my life over the pain and grief it was causing both of us. Fighting and drinking heavily went on for about 6 months trying to figure out a way for me to stop torturing myself over something that I found out later, really didn’t mean a thing!
It wasn’t until I was at work one night that something clicked. I realized that if I wasn’t going to be able to get over her past and move on, I was just going to be part of her past too, and I didn’t want that.
So I made a List of all the wonderful things about her and all the amazing fun times we have had since we met and I read it over and over whenever I had a dwelling relapse. Then I made a list I titled, “read me when your down.” This list explained how I fell in love with this woman before I knew her past, and after knowing her past, she is still the same amazing woman I fell in love with. NOTHING HAD CHANGED! The only thing that changed was how I began to treat her after knowing. Did I really think that if she found fulfillment, peace, and happiness with her previous promiscuity that she would want to stop doing it and be with me? It was very obvious that she felt terrible about her past, and the last thing she needed was some idiot bringing it up to her and pouring salt on a wound. So I stuck to my lists and as time went by my thinking changed to a loving, caring, sensitive, and respectful for her. She is an amazing woman, and I am lucky to be loved by her!
Since then we have been so amzingly happy and she is a blessing in my life. Hope I havent bored you too much… this last statement always helped me: People don’t land on earth just in time for you to receive them for your relationship with no past to tow. Everybody has a past and it’s called a past for a reason: It was the time before YOU, and it won’t dictate your future relationships unless you let it.
HERE IS A BIG TIP FOR EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE THAT’S HUMAN……
SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF YOU THINK IT IS THEN YOU’LL DIE…. SAD, ANNOYED, HURT, LONGING, LONELY, WANTING, HARD DONE BY, ANGRY ETC ETC ETC.
Be happy.
Love and be loved.
Take each day for what it is.
They’ll soon run out, and tempest fugit will kick you in the teeth and laugh.
Just be bloody happy and stop focusing on…SEX!!!!!
Hi
My girlfriend has had 35-40 men. A gangbang and 3 somes with two other men at once. It’s on my mind sooo much, im insecure, makes me shudder and feel revulsion. What can I do ?
@Jof – I’m pretty sure you’re a troll, but if you’re serious, then I would be much more concerned about her having major underlying psychological issues than I would be about sexual jealousy. You might have way more to worry about with this one.
Not a troll, just very concerned and struggling.. Appreciate you don’t know all the facts, but can you suggest the next step forward ? Many Thanks.
@Jof – Sorry for the false accusation of trollhood. The topic of this website makes for alluring trollbait (as you can probably imagine), so that makes my troll alarm a little oversensitive.
OK, I’ll assume that this girl is otherwise perfect for you, makes you really happy, and if it weren’t for your hangups about her past you could see yourself spending a long time with her. If that’s true, then the next step is to try and find out if she has any major psychological issues that might limit her ability to maintain a steady, stable relationship with anyone.
It’s hard to spend part of your life being THAT self-destructive and not have some lingering issues (like, say, the issues that caused the self-destructive behavior in the first place). That kind of past is a giant, burning red flag that there are probably some issues under the surface with her. Find those out. Or at least get enough clues that you have an idea of where all that behavior came from, and what’s left over from it.
Disclaimer for anybody about to flame me: I’m not saying that people can’t overcome that kind of past, or that it’s impossible to do those particular activities without self-destruction as the driving motive, but I think it’s pretty unlikely that her past would be seen as psychologically healthy by most standards.
So to summarize, Jof: First make sure she is capable of having a relationship, then make sure you actually want a relationship with her (apart from her past), THEN worry about dealing with her past. When you get to that last part, come back and I’ll have more for you (or I’ll try haha).
Very best of luck. Hope it turns out survivable for you.
So if been Dealing with my boyfriend for a year and about to be four month and it jus eats me up inside to one tht I won’t be his first , I’m a virgin and I though he was to ut as the months went on I found out the truth and he’s not , it hurts bc I feel like for me it will be very special but for him it will just be w.e to him , we’ve been fighting and fight about this I want to get over it but it’s so hard when yu think about all the deatails , I’ve been reading articles after article to help mend my heart I know he’s a good man I wanna continue our realationship but its hard to when I feel like I can’t compete with the two girls he’s slept with . I feel like I’m gunna push him away if I keep bringing up the past but it hurts so bad to one that they have seen in a way I feel ibshould only see him pls help I dnt wnt my realationship to fade away but I need help getting over his past PLS HELP PLE HELP !!!
Hey Dan,
my husband is really going crazy over my past. Before I was with him I did some tings in my past and I was totally honest with him about it. After we got married thats when it started bothering him. He has hit me once because of his anger and has said alot of mean things to me. Sometimes he will be fine and then another moment he will be mad at me and look at me with disgust. Is there anything i can do to help him or anything i can suggest to him that might help him because i fear for our marriage and my safety.
Hi,
Read your article and may be you could help me.. I am in a relation from the past 8 months. Recently 2 weeks ago he read a mail of mine( chat msg) that was 2 years ago between me and my ex ?( whom i was very serious n was to marry).. The mail was about us planning a overnight once last time after our breakup. it was a long mail detailing all, though in the mail i came across least interested but was agreeing to my ex. The plan never took place.. Me and my ex met but it ws nt overnight we just met for half a day thats all… After my ex i dated after some time another guy for a period of 3 months … Nothing was between us… However I had written a mail to that guy asking how did he know about my last outing with my ex( I refered my last outing in the mail as last time).. My Bf has read that mail too..
He knew about my ex but i never mentioned about the other guy whom i went out 3 to 4 times. I found that not important and significant, would have told in course of time…
This whole thing of my ex & the other guy has hurted him alot… He thinks that I have had sex with my ex and lying to him.
I have been explaining him that i have not we were planning & it did nt take place… The situations which u have described is exactly what he is feeling . He was the person who sent me the article so I could relate.
He now does nt want an explanation from me.. He tells me I dont talk about it .. The whole thing I dont discuss or even talk.. He does nt want an explanation he just wants me to talk about it..
I really dont know how & what to talk about… He is getting bugged by it.. He knows its not right and he does nt blame me or make me feel guilty… But he isnt able to cope with it…
I want to HELP him… Please let me know if you could help me…What should I do.
Thanks
I’m going to say something rude here. A lot of girls say they want to date /marry a virgin, and perhaps, in theory, they do. However, in practice, they clearly do not. They constantly fawn over guys that are the wild and dangerous type. The quarterback on the football team is their “dream guy,” seems the more he scores on the field, the more he scores off the field. Same goes for a farm boy who drinks a lot, or a biker dude. Doesn’t really matter, it is the rough and tough image that the girl goes for. The girls go for those guys for numerous reasons, but the main one is that the “danger” of a bad boy excites them. But with that bad boy image comes the reality — he IS a bad boy; he’s had sex, probably with a several people. The boring virgin is, well, boring; sure, he’s a virgin, but the girl doesn’t find that interesting, he’s just doesn’t have that “forbidden fruit” appeal that the virgin guy has. Those virgins don’t have that bad boy image, because they actually aren’t bad boys. So, get over your crying about the fact that the non-virgins you are dating have done the deed a few times; virgins are available, if you would just fix your warped little brain so that you would find those virgins attractive.
My past deeds and experience has eaten me so much that I freak out of every relationship when it starts getting serious.
Mine is not hurt but more of shame as to the extent of my ordeals in the past, although I have abstain from intimacy ever since and kept to myself, feeling like am not a virgin when in the actual sense I am.
I am so ashamed and scared that I fear any intimacy and I don’t know when or how to let go of my past mischievousness and allow myself feel self worth again. Please I need advice
My current girlfriend is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. However, she had sex with her last boyfriend. She moved to my valley to get away from all of that. When she told me about it, she was 15 and he was 17. This was two years ago. She is now 17 and I am 16. What hurts most is she told me that the last time they had sex was 1 month before we started dating, after she had moved. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I am sure that she is the one for me. She is just amazing and I don’t want her to leave me for her past. What do I do to get over this?
Hi all,
Came accross this article thru a friend… Would like to share a story which a little different which I have read linked to this article.
To begin with I admit that women are seen as the weaker sex, but to tell you the truth it’s us MEN who are actually.
It’s a long story but I will try and keep it brief . This was a couple of years ago.
I have a friend who is an amazing girl very honest and sweet, but was very very reserved back then. Lately I started noticing the changes in her which were never before.. She had become more open a little bold and more happier.
Asked her and she just said I feel good from inside. We have been friends from childhood and never have I know her this way. It was amazing to see her change. After a couple of months I saw her being a bit depressed asked why was so.
And she told me that some how her boyfriend was getting affected by her past.. Though she knew he was trying to cope with it and was hurted a bit because he was so much in love with her. She was very supportive of him. But there was this issue of mis trust here. Her boyfriend thought there is much to her past then what she had said. My friend choose not to do anything physical with her ex untill marriage.. And with him she choose to do everything.
The amazing part is taking this in pretext, that she choose to do everything with him and not with her ex was eating him up.. He found this hard to believe.
It’s a bit difficult to answer those questions.. Any which ways she told me if this persists then she may call it off thou she did not want to. She loved him a lot and never wanted to leave him.. After a couple of months everything was sorted. The guy wanted some time she helped him thru and all worked out fine. She did not give me the details how it all became good. I was just happy to know that all was sorted..
Presently they have two amazing kids and are a happy family.
I felt the urge to share this experience as this a bit different then other experiences I read about.
We all have past but I haven’t known one women among my many friends who have ever dewelled so much about their boyfriend or husbands past. It’s we who pounder on it rather then accepting it and moving on.
Everything is about excepting it , knowing it and letting it be there.
Unknowingly we tend to bring the past which is irrelevant to the present and mess up the future.
Do comment if something similar you have come across or known.
@Daniel – thank you for sharing your story. Mine sounds incredibly similar, except I am where you were a few months/years ago and I am a female. If I could go back in time, we would not have discussed pasts (I do not usually prescribe to ignorance is bliss, but in some cases, knowing less doesn’t hurt). Like you, my partner is kind, sweet, sensitive, intelligent and incredibly caring – yet, I fail to see these things when I am projecting about choices he made prior to us meeting and subsequently dating. Like you, nothing changed, except this knowledge and my perception.
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
Right now, I am not willing to walk away from someone because of choices he made in the past. He didn’t know me, and didn’t know he’d meet me. What does he value TODAY? How does he treat me and our love today?
Although the past can be an indicator of future behavior, I believe that we shouldn’t judge people because they sin differently than us. I’ve lied to my parents – to their face (a few commandments broken!). Does that forever make me a liar and a horrible daughter? I hope not. I think you need to look at the whole person and go from there.
I don’t resolve to “just get over this”. However, I trust that with patience and God’s grace, I will grow into the loving and forgiving person I am meant to be.
I was just googleing to find help out there somewhere on the internet. This article has helped me a bit, but I’m still bothered…
I’m a sophomore in college and I ended up meeting this amazing freshman girl almost immediately. We ended up hanging out and started seeing each other quite often for the past few months and found we are very much alike. I can safely say that I have fallen in love with this girl.
There’s only one problem- she has slept with four guys before meeting me.
She lost her virginity to a boyfriend when she was around 16 1/2, they broke up (not sure of those details, nor do I care to know right now).
She ended up dating another guy, who ended up cheating on her (causing them to break up), and then she slept with another guy a couple times to get back at him.
The third guy she slept with was with a guy she met a couple times, and then they had sex in his car (that was the only time with him).
The last guy was her then boyfriend of 10 months. Since they dated for so long, I can only imagine their sex got pretty good and that they had a lot of it because they also lived close to each other.
To be fair, I’ll also talk about what I’ve done in the past: I am still a virgin, but I did a lot of touching with three girlfriends in the past. I had two random hook-ups that have led very close to sex, but I would go to the alternative hand job. The girlfriend I had before gave me oral sex (which was the first time for both of us, but was also very brief and we stopped before we were finished).
I usually am not bothered by this, but every once in a while I just go into these deep pits of depression and despair. I ask “Why is this happening to me?” “Why couldn’t she have waited for me?” “Why do I feel so angry at her even though she said she was sorry?” “Does she REALLY regret it?” “I thought I was going to have a perfect relationship and marry a virgin! Why not God?” Sometimes I even wish that I just had sex before marriage with other girls so I wouldn’t feel as bad about her doing it.
I try to pray about it and read my Bible for encouragement and for help, but I feel like it just isn’t working…
so getting over the past… seems hard right now. I should say I am married I knew my wife wasn’t a virgin, but at the time it was not a big deal to me. I lost my virginity to her in college, when we look back on this fact it is something we are both ashamed of. When we first had sex she told me it was something she had promised herself she would never do again. This was the reason she was so ashamed. as for me I was ashamed because it went against my values, and I knew we had done was wrong. She told me about the guy who she lost her virginity to, he was a guy she didn’t really like but she was his tutor and they formed some sort of relationship. She told me that one day she went to tutor him, she went to his house and on this one day when they got their she headed up to his room while he “got a drink” when she got to his room he was already there though. She didn’t tell me much more than that she lost her viriginity that day. She said she was ashamed and that she didn’t come out of her room for a few weeks except for school. I know she is past this guy, but for some reason I just can’t get it out of my head that some other guy is walking around and knows what it is like to have sex with my wife. She doesn’t know that I feel this way, I don’t want to upset her and honestly I just want to get past it in my own mind. Thing is now I just want to find this guys, knock on his door and bust his face open. Please don’t think I am a violent guy, but this issue hits the right nerve… and to be honest not much ever gets me so flustered. I would say I feel alot of these characteristis listed above. I just wish I could have been there for my wife on that day, knocked the guy out and taken her to her home. I guess more than anything I love my wife and I’m not upset with her as much as I am with this other guy. Deep down I know this guy has not won anything and he has nothing on me; I am married to this amazing women, we have a happy life, and we have a beautiful daughter toghether. I know deep down I shouldn’t be upset, and most days I’m not. But I want to get to the bottom of it all and fow what reason… I don’t know. I guess more than anything I just want to know she does love me and that this other smuck doesnt matter.
this helped, i just needed to get this out…
We all have differing ideals on moralist behaviours, i think its of paramount importance that you let yours be known to your new partner should you go down the history path, this gives yourselves some sort of base to determine if your are compatable. Certain behavours are all to much for some people and they cannot be overcome , unfortunit but true. Lying about your past can be very damaging, generally its done because the liar, (doesnt want to lose you )…… yeah .. really well did you think that you’d never even had me should id known this??? Wasting peoples time on lies of your past is a henious decietful practice, be truthfull, let them decide as to weather they can deal with your past activitys, much better to kmow from the start than to find out months/ years down the track, because if you start it on a lie then your found out, all trust is lost!!!!!!
i have the same problem like u have talked about…he isnt a virgin but his dreams were to marry a virgin girl i couldnt tell him bt kater i had to confess and we get hurt everymoment bt cant separate and still hang on and is there a way to make him believe that i love him at the present and that i will keep him happy
i have only one qstn i had love and physical relationship with someone but that was 2 years ago ..now i fell in love with someone and very much afraid of that momnt when he discover that ia m not avirgin or had relationship with someone else
Great website; it is perhaps the only one that won’t eviscerate you for having these beliefs. I have two thoughts I thought I would share, and maybe get support, because I need it.
First, my girlfriend (who I want to eventually marry) is a non-waiter, and has slept with two other people. I’ve seen comments about people worried that their partners had slept with a bunch of other people, but for me such a small number makes it worse. It makes it much more easy to make comparisons, and shows that she does place some sort of emphasis on sex. If she didn’t, I could be happy knowing that I emotionally “own” all of her, because there would never have been any physical connection to own. I almost kind of wish she had slept with a lot more people, if she had to have sex with someone.
Second, I don’t want her to feel bad on the surface, but part of me on the inside admittedly does want her to be drowned in guilt for just a little bit. It’s like, if she feels bad enough about it, she will associate those negative emotions with her past sexual experiences and won’t think about them anymore. And, if she doesn’t think about them, then they won’t be a part of her. The bottom line is I can’t stand the thought of her thinking about past sex during our first time. I’ve seen people say ‘learn how to blow her away,” but if she said I was amazing after we finished it would kill me. By blowing someone (who isn’t a virgin) away, you are inherently comparing yourself to someone else. I also can’t get past the fact that she might say something like “it’s okay, let me help,” or show me what she likes, because that will just mean this isn’t new to her; it is not unique like it is to me. I don’t want to be compared to. I sometimes wish that for that night I wouldn’t be a virgin she wouldn’t be thinking about how this is all new to me and, by connection, how to her it isn’t.
hey mikewat do i do to make him feel gud abt my luv,i really luv him and cant saty searate from him,he isna a v and i lost it wen i was 17 cuz the guy said he wud marry me and it was jst once even less than 5 minutes and i met him after four years i din know his dreams were to marry a virgin girl and it was 5months wen i had to tell tthe truth,lots of issues arose and still it eats him,am very guilty and i cry everytime we quarrel about it wont he be able to forget and if we marry will the roblem arise again…i want to make him feel really lucky bt suggest me
Hi Mike,
I’m not having major issues letting go of my partners sexual past other than the fact she as cheated on an ex. This seems different because it’s a whole other moral quandry. She definitely didn’t appear to be this same person when we met and has shown remorse for it, she said that she was unhappy in their relationship and although she didn’t lie and told the rat she cheated with that she was in a relationship she did still sleep with him. It was some time in the past and I’m not worried about her cheating on me because she was so broken by the whole experience and we communicate well. It’s the fact she could do that? I don’t understand and my mind plays it over and over making it worse.
I love her and I want to let it go and forgive her, can you offer any advice or warning?
I’m glad i went to this website, I’m 21 currently and there was so many close encounters i had with women around my age that if i escalated it just a bit, i could’ve had sex. Its difficult for a guy much more so than a girl because of the pressures to be experienced but i REFUSE to give in and give away my virginity like it was worth a dollar. Virginity to me is much like a family heirloom, where if you sell it or trade it, its lost FOREVER. After reading so many of other peoples posts, its terrible to lose it to just “somebody” or someone who doesn’t give a damn about anyone other than themselves and acted selfish but its completely unforgivable because whether you’re bored or not, it will come back to bite you no matter what. i hope i can go to some place in some country and find a girl who didn’t act so rash and careless who have morals that can be counted one when kids are around.
It’s a shame to read so many comments about morals this, morals that, yet the same posts are so damning about non-waiters.
Look at the person’s heart there and then. I’m sick of self-righteous attitudes, when there are some of you who need to look at your own personality.
I came on here for others who are waiters and struggling to deal with a person’s sexual past, but among some good comments, there are some disturbing comments. Let me tell you a story about a former prostitute who, through an attempted suicide, began to turn her life around and found the man of her dreams. Now, she did not have ‘morals’ then, but she does now. I’ve also had the pleasure of meeting people who have had lots of sex (meaningful and meaningless) and turned their lives around. They have acquired a gift which is lacking here; a heart of gold. A heart of forgiveness, understanding and realisation.
Not everyone’s journey is the same. Not everyone will understand why we are waiters.
I deliver this line from the Bible (whether you’re religious or not), because it is the best example I could find:
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.’
Just because you’re a waiter, doesn’t mean you have better overall standards or morals, especially if you’re unforgiving, damning and judgmental, holding resentment. These are deficiencies in your life which need addressing, like someone’s sexual past needs addressing.
Virginity is so bigged up just as much as losing it, that either side fail to recognise the main ingredient in a relationship; love. It’s about love, finding that one partner and accepting them for everything that they are. Being open and honest in communication, understanding and realising past mistakes and forming a new life together, leaving the old one behind. That perfect love banishing fear.
I fear some of you may destroy your relationships over resentment, anger and so forth, yet preach about respect, level of standards etc, not realising what you have is something special. You have it, yet you’re willing to throw it away because images of ‘perfect’ partners has been tarnished. Appreciate what you have. Help your partner see your way of thinking rather than wallow in self pity about how they’ve been unable to match your ‘high’ standards.
If a person changes for the better, then their heart and conscience is clean.
I spend a lot of time with reformers from all backgrounds. I don’t work in a prison nor in church. Sometimes, the worst rulebreakers are the best lawmakers. They understand all sides.
Others have let things off their chest, and I have here. Thank you for your time.
The above isn’t addressed to the site generally, or to a great many of you who are understanding. There are some posts that have stirred a hornets nest.
Hey Mike,
Just wanted to say that after reading your post, it did help me get over what has been troubling me for a while. I mean my girlfriend now, while dating she told me her past about this guy (her first) having done sexual acts together but just no sex. Their relationship was for 2 years, she didn’t like doing them but they still did it like many times? So it was just this part that’s bothering me.. I mean, she is a virgin (if you see it as no insertion) but yet not in a way.. she told me that when we were dating, but I guess I really do love her a lot that I decided to still have her be my gf.. but its just sometimes her past just comes in. I guess its partly jealousy? But I don’t want to be like her ex, in which just using her as a “toy”, doing sex acts just so I feel the same. Now, I’m showing her more love, care and treating her much better than her ex, after reading your post, I’m guessing I’m in the right direction to getting over her past.
Thanks Mike.
I married a non waiter and my wife yelled at me on the honeymoon night for asking the same question “did you come yet” and just trying to be caring but being inexperinced she acted like a complete ass and i was and am not valued, after 3 years of this crap and other stuff as well as issues with intamcay im out. I dont care about the whole god doestn like divorce crap, he also doesnt like the husband having constant emotional pain that he doesnt take away even though he is supposed to be allmighty. my wifes past boyfriends got hooked up at least twice a week with not issues and some got more, I get maybe once every 2.5 weeks or once every 1.5 weeks if im lucky at 32 yesrs old. I want out becuase of the pain and not feeling valued. Dont marry a non waiter unless you had your fun already…because its the worst pain in the world..
Me and my boyfriend are in relationship for 3 years.i am 24 years old and he is 27.we were classmate in September 2009,and he tried to approach me and start friendship with me.He is a Muslim and from Bangladesh,and I’m muslim but middle eastern.He got so close to me and shared many things about his life,and told me that I am so different from other girl and I look good,so kind and understanding.he asked me about if i am in relationship,and I said I was in a relationship back in home for three years,and we were in love,but never had physical relationship due to age and religion.He was trying to show him self so conservative,and innocent.Finally after giving me so much sign that he likes me..he offered me to be in a relationship with him,and I accept it,but I said we can’t have sex,and if you think it won’t work for you,then be straight forward and he accept it and claimed that he is virgin too..we didn’t have sex for 6 months,and finally we had,even though I was so uncomfortable cause I never had this kind of experience,I start it to fall in love madly with him,do attached and extremely obsessed and jealous..I from the beginning I was suspecting and feeling insecure about everything..recently I had gut feeling that there is something wrong,finally I found his diary and saw that he wrote about a girl that he lost..! In September 2009,during the time we met,then I found a email from that girl that she said she is confused about him and needs space..but couldn’t any other evidence besides that..! During our friendship he mention about that girl with sarcasm that the girls used to like my boyfriend and not him..but now I found out that was not true..after a week of fighting and confronting with him,he confess that he used to like her and weak about her,but he never LOVED her…and finally he had sex with her and she stayed in housed too some times..he said they were classmates(friend)..And got close to each other..but she left U.S and went to brazil for a while and became weired and denying him..that’s why he felt upset and mad,and wrote in his diary..but during that time he was trying to get involve with me and pretend that he was virgin..and every time he was acting with me that I am his first lover or girl that I slept with him..and he said lie about everything for 3 years..he still says that he just liked her after sex but not loved..and I don’t believe him..he says he didn’t want to be in serious relationship with her cause she was flirting with many guys,and slept with random guy,and also she was not Muslim…that’s why..but my boyfriend was acting with me for 3 years that he never had sex or romance before..and now still he is trying to deny about Rebounding with me..the funniest thing is he wrote about me in November 2009,that he likes me and thinks I look cute and unique..and it’s rare to find someone like me in U.S …and he said he is worrying about our future and destiny..because of two different culture..I am wondering how come he hide the reality from me for 3 years,and his come he start friendship and rejayinshop with me so quick..and never mentioned about that girl and his feeling..and pretend I am the first girl he saw and love to have sex? What was the reason?and how come he could say that much lie?now I feel so betrayed,anger,jealousy..and uncomfortable..i am do shocked..please help me out..should I leave him forever??? So painful..never thought he was like that before..:(((
Recently, I married a woman who came from a very religious background, much of which had a factor in why I chose to marry her, only to find out that, while she was raised in a strict religious home, as soon as she left for college, she abandoned all teachings from her parents, and became a smoking, drinking, sexing young woman from her early 20s, thrugh her early 40s, the age in which we met and married. After having candid conversations about sexual partners prior to getting married, after marriage, I constantly began coming across ex-lovers who whe continued to keep in contact with my now wife via
facebook, always telling her how beautiful she is, how they like her long weave Vs her shorter hair, how much she meant to them, etc. My wife even had the audacity to invite one particular ex lover she continued to indulge in, off and on for multiple years, to our wedding. This guy from her past who could “pop up” at any point in time prior to our involvement, and be a very happy friend, with benefits. She finally stopped lying and told me the truth, that she had been with more than 30 men in her lifetime, a number I still believe is much lower than the truth, however given her religious up bringing, I’m sure she will do whatever is necessary to preserve some level of purity, as best as possible within her mind. Now, imagine my disappointment. I recognized I was not marrying a virgin, but a promiscuous lier who has slep with well over 30??
Everyone says “move on”, but the reality is, I got played, and it does not feel good to get played. Additionally, for me, it’s a character question. Why lie about the number of partners you’ve been with in order to secure a husband, only to admit that you lied, knowing the impact on your marriage will be severe.
Why I do not need a virgin, I do need and deserve the opportunity to build sexual experiences with the right woman, especially if we are to one day be husband and wife, someone who has not been as promiscuous as my soon to be ex wife. It’s my choice, and I choose to move forward, without her.
I stumbled across this article last night while I was looking for a way to cope. I was so glad to find the list of emotions and finally be able to understand it all.
I waited for 22 years to find the right person and when I did it turns out she didn’t wait for me. At first it didn’t bother me so much. It hurt but I thought ‘Well everyone makes mistakes’. About a year later I gave her my virginity and I thought it was perfect. It was like an actual fairy tale. Under a tree on a sunny day. Then it started to sink in. It didn’t hurt so much before because I had no idea what it was really all about. But once I had experienced it, all I could think was ‘Wait a minute…you’ve done THIS with someone else? That? The single greatest experience I’ve ever had and you’ve. ..already done that with someone else?’. It was the most unreal pain and sadness. For months I couldn’t get the mental pictures out of my head and even now it keeps me up at night thinking about that other man. What makes it worse is I know how it happened (I was foolish enough to ask) and now whenever something I see or hear or do is related to the instance my memory flares and I think of it. I know it hurts her. We’ve cried together about this and I know she feels terrible for how I’m feeling. I don’t resent her and I’m not angry. But the mental images are just horrible. No one wants to picture the woman they love with another man. We are now engaged to be married and I haven’t thought about it in a long time but every now and then it hurts again. I want her to know I love more than anything else…but that doesn’t make the past less painful. I don’t want her to suffer for my inability to cope with this but I don’t know what to do.
Hi mike I’m a young guy of 16 and I’d like to ask your advice on something, I’m in a loving relationship with my girlfriend were still quite young I know but I have recently been losing sleep over her sexual past, she lost her virginity at 15 to an 18 year old and every night the thought of it keeps reoccuring, she says she regrets it but it still will not leave my mind,I have lost sleep for countless months over it and I would like your advice to help me understand why I keep thinking about it and what I can do to forget it,thankyou
Hi Mike,
I’m not a waiter or anything, but I was googling how to cope with a partner’s sexual past and I felt that this was the one I should click. So thank you very much. I learned some fantastic, heart and eye opening things that help me so beautifully. I love what you’ve done. Thank you thank you thank you. I send love your way and I really wish you the absolute best. Karma will treat you well for treating me and the rest of us well
And for all of you, I send love your way as well, and I pray that you all receive the best way it can.
Thank you, Mike. Thank you <3
@thankful – You’re very welcome! I’m really glad the article helped. You may also want to check out Jennifer’s excellent articles on Sexual Jealousy.
I am 25 and my girlfriend (my first) is 29. I never had previous GFs because I was focused in my career. Sure I had many female friends, we went out, and i dated some of them. the farthest i got was kissing and some petting. but nobody touched me ‘there’.
on the other hand, my gf had 6 boyfriends before, few of them lasted for more than a year. of course, i also know she had sex with some, if not all of them.
a knew this before we enter a relationship and it was fine with me.
however, as i love her more, i felt gradually jelous. the more i love her, the more jelous i get.
it ignited more the first time we had sex. i realized she did this with so many others, that so many other men had touched her the way im touching her. that the person i am holding has been held so many times by many other men, and that she planned with them and made dreams with the six of them.
I hate her for not thinking of preserving herself for her future husband. it haunts me that the person i am now with, this gf has been changed, altered, improved or whatever by the six other men that preceded me.
i hate her that they came inside her, that they marked her physically and emotionally.
i wonder sometimes whether some of her light scars wer sex marks. i wonder how they passionately did it. and i hate her!
this is crazy but i actually asked her to throw all her under garments, all stuff her exes gave her.
i cant imagine removing the same garments other men remove. IT SUCKS.
she sucks.
So I have a shallow question to get opinions on. I have been dating my current gf for 14 mos. She is divorced and has been for over 2 yrs. We discussed engagements over Xmas and she told me that during her first marriage she had an affair. This affair was with a person we both currently work with. Yes she and I work in the same place… I can’t get past it. I have never asked anyone to be my wife or even considered it until her. To make it even funnier I am 38, and always thought I would be a bachelor.
How would you handle this situation?
How to get over the fact of finding out how many woman your boyfriend has slept with but findi all this information after already being pregnant ? It’s always in the back of my mind he had sex with so and so and I just can’t seem to get over it. How to cope with this!? It doesn’t let me look towards the future.
Hey?
Am not a virgin. And i was in a 2 year relationship and i’ve been single for 5 months. I was honest about my past and he was a virgin, we had sex a few times but we cut it off because that’s not what i wanted anymore and i want to wait . For the past two years he tore me to pieces, made me feel like i was less of a person. You know it really hurts when someone you truly love keeps tormenting you with what you did and emotionally abuses you. It really does hurt it’s not easy for us who didn’t wait. I went through am emotional roller coaster and i lost so much weight. I resented him so much and forgiving him was hard… But then if you love someone isn’t forgiveness part of true love?
I am 26 year old, and I am committed with a girl she is 24 and it is totally arranged by family. Here my issue is I got a call from a stranger and he told he is in a relationship with her for the last 7 years , then after this girl called me and accept these things and ask me to move back if possible. Later on some how we became very close each other and she broke up with that guy. And now she also admits that she had a physical attachment with this guy only once. She told me like her past relationship stretched for these many years because of this 10 min stupidity. In my case I never had a serious relation ships and a passionate sex but I had lots of 1 night standout sex. In fact I never experienced sex from real love.
But I fact we love each other and I trust her completely. Here I need help , do I really need to go ahead with this girl or better to leave? I this I have to take a decision ASAP. Please help me.
Interesting that I found this place, needless to say I am in the same boat.
I love this girl, but she wasnt a waiter anymore, I do understand that it wasnt her fault (the guy cheated on her). It should be my fault, for not finding her sooner …
But I still cant help it but feel frustrated and painful, not quiet sure its more painful to be with her, or breaking up, and worst of all, I am afraid of hurting her if we do breakup …
Hope that I can find the answer before its too late.
What an awful amount of Judgemental and extremely insecure not to mention unfactual stuff going on in this article and some of these responses WOW!!!!!!
Well I know waiters and non waiters who got together my parents being one couple. It’s a good thing there is ONLY ONE PERSONS OPINION THAT COUNTS AND THAT’S JESUS CHRIST… If he can have it in his heart to forgive Mary Magdelene, prostitute at the temple then who the frig are you people to be so judgement in this way? It’s simple.. you are in love with someone but the fact that they have a past is a deal breaker… well then move on (but don’t judge them scornfully) let them be free to go and chase another non waiter then… seemingly by some of the responses on here the two of them deserve each other!!!!
It’s small wonder why many have hesitated to come to the church and to find a relationship with Christianity with people like you attending churches If Jesus can forgive their past they so should you!!!!… It’s just as well you DON’T need a relationship with Christians to have a relationship with Christ Jesus… Praise the lord I am happy in him.
You all sound like you need to work these issues out with the lord as an ex non waiter I have and I can tell you this I seem a DM Sight happier than ANY of you “So called Christians”.Sam the hormone you speak of is Oxytocin and you can’t run out of it.. there is so much more I can educate you on… whilst it is admirable to wait and it IS the most precious thing you can give away bar your own children… I know of people who HAVE waited for that special person who turned out t be a pig in soooo many ways… Life is short don’t look for advice on silly sites give over to the Lord and he will take your worries from you.. he will even show you if this person you are waiting for is wicked in heart, you get virgins who are also not nice people you know and you get people who have a history who albeit tainted to use such a word are good people God uses ANYONE he sees fit to use. Good Luck everyone but please don’t agonise over such things trust in God!!!!!
P.S Random guy….”I love this girl, but she wasnt a waiter anymore, I do understand that it wasnt her fault (the guy cheated on her). It should be my fault, for not finding her sooner”. How is it YOUR FAULT if you don’t find love at a certain time.. it happens wen it happens.. or not at all it all depends on circumstances rather than destiny… right place right time right frame of mind and of course asking God to show you if it’s right.
Do you see what you are ALL doing?? Coming on a website asking complete strangers and (unqualified at that) for their advice abut wether or not to break up from someone you claim to love? If I found out that someone I loved made a decision from asking a question on a yahoo question type forum I would question if indeed we were meant to be together. I can understand seeking out a professionals advice but all you would get here are opinions (Including mine) to use the phrase Opinions are like …….. Holes everyone has one and everyone else thinks someone elses stinks… without being crude you can fill in the blanks. Even IF you set of circumstances appear EXACTLY the same RANDOM GUY AND NALY I guarantee you they are NOT and it is such a mistake to conmpare your life to the next persons in this way.. Why?? Because you don’t know what led them to that decision, someone may have exactly the same issues on the face of it but due to shame or a subconscious unresolved issue fails to reveal everything about the problem therefore you are basing YOUR decision to dump or stay through someone elses eyes and a stranger at that. Ask God for advice the ONLY being you need to consult besides your parents and your Health Practitioner even they too make mistakes. Good Luck ALL of you. !!!!!
I love my girlfriend so much, and I want to marry her, but she previously “hooked up” with so many guys that I admit that there is a part of me that just wants to scream at her and call her awful things because I am so insecure about it. I just wanted to tell someone.
So I thought my story was unique..maybe not after reading this very helpful article. I was a virgin when I met my (now) wife, and she was previously married. I actually had been in the same room with her and her (boyfriend at the time) when they had sex. They assumed I was asleep.
We had sex before marriage, but I had never been with anyone else.
The jealousy did not really manifest until a couple years ago. She was contacted on facebook by her ex, and that made me very insecure. She had been with over 10 partners before me, and that really started bothering me, I started losing sleep over it. (Realize we have been married 20 years).
I will share more about my journey of forgiveness and acceptance soon.
I waited until I married my wife (who was not a waiter) and our marriage did not last, but not due to anything related to this topic. So I found myself newly single in my early 30s and with a young daughter. I realized that the chances of finding someone with similar morals was low so I put my focus on my daughter at the expense of relationships. I dated a few girls but never felt any reason to get serious with any of them. So I found waiting again for my next wife (should that ever happen) to be natural.
I met my current wife at work and we started dating after a few months working together. We started as friends and it was obvious to me that she was bothered by something dark that turned out to be her sexual history. As our relationship grew, we talked about the situations she was involved in (4 and she had sex with all of them) plus there was “a one night stand”. We talked (I mostly listened) as she described each one and I helped get her past these, essentially making sense of how/why they happened. She saved the one night stand for last and as she was about to describe it, this 1 event became 6 one night stands. That was very difficult to handle as my feelings for her were getting very strong by this point. However I found the strength to get her past these as well, accepted where we stood and we eventually married. Although I had an underlying belief that there was more left unsaid.
We’ve been married almost 14 years and have a wonderful 10 year old son. A few weeks ago a couple of the people from her past started reaching out to her via email. This led to some confrontations between me and these guys that led to these feelings I had of “there is more” to intensify. I guess she felt vulnerable that these people had started resurface and she finally told me that indeed, there was more. In fact she has now admitted to 14 one night stands along with 5 longer term relationships (all involving sex). Of course she is again telling me that “this is everything” which you can imagine I’m having a lot of trouble accepting.
So now I find myself feeling betrayed so badly – she effectively was lying to me for the 15 years we’ve known each other, including the 13+ years we’ve been married. I love this woman with all my heart but do not believe that I can overcome this. I feel like such a fool.
I’m not looking for solutions, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
This is an update to my post from March 4. I thought I could figure things out on my own but as she and I talk through things I find myself feeling so used. Every day more lies crop up. I’ve asked her to help clear some things up for me but she hasn’t obliged yet. I bought her flowers a couple days ago because I know she’s going through a tough time also. I just feel so alone. I know I said I wasn’t looking for any help, but I don’t know how to get past this on my own.
Wow reading everyones comments I realise i’m not the only one who is going through it tough. I am separated (divorncing in a few months) I am with a man who has been with so many it hurts. He was married and he and his wife were involved in sharing themselves around with MANY. At that time obviously it was what they did and found nothing wrong in it. I have know this guy 10 years now, knew about his past yet still gave my heart to him. ONly now (we are getting married in about 6 months)my mind and heart are just in turmoil. I can’t get these horrid images out of my mind of what he used to get up to and feel so ripped off that he has shared himself around with so many and has done some pretty disgusting things. I feel ripped off and cheated that he so carelesly gave himself away that what I have and what he gives me is what he has given everyone else. I know he loves me more than anything, he’s ashamed of what he used to do and he says I am who he has looked for all these years and wishes he had found me before the one he married. Some days it just consumes me and eats me up. Its all I can think of. I wonder how he can change so much and not want what he used to do in the past – how he can settle for boring me and just me only. I love him with all my heart, know he loves me but … I can’t comprehend how he dosent think of his past that was his lifestyle for some 10 years . I need help!!!!!!. Anyone out with who has a very colourfull past and is now with someone who does not have that kind of past so to speak (though I was married for 20 years) can you please please tell me how you are able to block off your past – Is it like it never happened, or do you still think about it, how do you make this new relationship work like it;s all new for you too??? Some days I feel worthless and that I’m the one who has given everything only to get a tiny bit of whats not been shared back.. I know I am being so cruel and horrible in my feelings and depressive days to my partner but I can’t help it. For me his past is like ‘yesterday’ and the images are so fresh – yet he says he dosent think of it and the past is the past. PLEASE someone help…
I wonder the same thing ‘tormented’. I knew some of my wifes past and learned more after we were married. Ive only been with her but she was married before and had at least 10 other partners. I wonder if she thinks of them, because I sure do and its hard to believe she does not. Shes told me she cant erase her memory and that does hurt. I can tell you this, there have been times when my own thoughts consumed me, but after time those thoughts do go away. They come and go..we have a wonderful marriage and sex life. We have been married 20 years and are as close now as ever. It gets better…but my jealous orfeelings are still there from time to time.
Thank you Chris for sharing. We’ve been living together (with kids) 1 1/2 years now and it seems to be getting worse for me not easier. Those thoughts I have do consume me – just like you said – and I pray constantly for them to just disapear. Some days I feel like walking away just to get away from that pain I seem to cause myself but there’s too much to throw away. I can only imagine the hurt with the comment of “cant erase her memory” that would throw me.. Congratulations on 20 years
I have pretty much the same problem as everyone here… and this may sound stupid, but my girlfriend is a waiter. She’s never done it before and I haven’t either. However, I’ve kept myself very chaste and clean. The only thing I’ve ever done is pop kiss a girl that I was talking to a year ago. However, she waited almost a year to tell me about her past. And it included her making out with a guy who’s not even in her life anymore. She obviously learned MANY tricks with him, and how she describes some kisses she had with him leave me very sad. It also makes me feel very inferior and stupid for not doing it myself in the past.
Also, this is a long-distance relationship. She comes to visit me every six months. And the thought of another guy already having a one-up on me with her drives me insane. Do I have a reason to feel bad? What should I do?
Thank you so much for this article. It seems to be helping me really overcome a very difficult psychological issue that until now I was having a hard time even defining.
@Mike – No problem! Glad it helped.
Mike,
Thanks for this article. I WAS a virgin but not a waiter or anything..I had love before the sex with a girl…then I found out she was not a virgin either. It bothered me a lot, but your article saved me. I love this woman, she almost died for me…LITERALLY…because I wouldn’t believe her loving me because she was with some other guy (4 times before me anal and vaginal).
I was angry, fucking majorly pissed. I love her and I didn’t choose this love or EXPECT it…Now I won’t have any other women..she’s been with another guy and I have to live with that?
She doesn’t know I was a virgin…..and I don’t plan on ever telling her. It’s not relevant. But your article really helped me to see its no big deal.
Heck she only had 1 guy before me 4 times only and said the sex wasn’t even sex but it was too bad to be classified sex…(she swears she wont lie to me because she thinks lying leads to divorces) and it does anger me..imagining her with some other guy etc…but as you said – IMAGINATION RUNNING WILD.
If you could comment on my situation would be great…but I don’t have one anymore thanks to you. Or at least I hope not…
Can’t believe I have such religious emotions? I’m not even religious nor did I place any importance on my VIRGINITY…but wow…i didn’t expect to be a virgin in love too…or that this would happen..
ok so my girfriend told me on our first date, that she wasnt pure, now i am a waiter, and boy i love this women, i will marry her for sure, the exact person God has for me, but its just i know she wants sex again, she told me, but dang i also want to wait, she told me she loves me no matter what(i also said the same after that) and that she will wait, but then i also want to know if i should have sex with her, hmmmmmmmmm i just dont know man shoot, i love Mike, thats all i know, i just wish i had her in my arms holding her tight lookin her eyes, MIke this big 6ft 6in country boy cryin man. what do u think sir.
@Michael G. – Sorry man. I can’t really make the decision for you, and I don’t like trying to advise people one way or the other. You have to decide for yourself whether waiting makes sense for you. For me, it does; I like waiting. For you, it might be different, and that’s totally OK.
That said, you can still hold your girl in your arms and look into her eyes lots and lots without having sex. Waiting doesn’t have to mean “no physical intimacy.” People draw their lines in different places. Also, the fact that she wants to have sex is a good sign. You want somebody who is willing to wait on you, and also has a sex drive.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the insightful article and I must say that I also enjoyed the honesty of the comments. I am a male, 26yrs…
Growing up, I always was intrigued by the whole issue of “virginity” – for me it symbolises absolute Godly purity and I knew what was expected of me – although I am a man – I wanted to wait until marriage.
I met a girl just over 6 years ago (now my wife). It was love at first sight, but she had (an abusive) boyfriend at the time. I never touched her-not even a kiss on her cheek, until she broke up with him. Only then did we start our relationship.
Anyway, I asked her that infamous question: “So how many guys have you been wit”h before?” and she was honest and said 3…
When she said that, it felt like to heart just dropped and I got cold chills all over my body. But I loved her and continued to persue het with passion.
For the first 6 months, this issue didn’t really bother me, but after that time, I really became obsessed with this and wanted to know everything! But the more I heard, the more I started to feel disgust towards her – although I knew it was wrong and that I didn’t want to…
I was still a virgin – I never kissed anyone before her, I never saw anyone naked before her and I never did any sexual act with anyone before her…So she was really getting the “best of me” and I had to be okay with the fact that she has had 3 guys before me and lost her virginity at age 14…
But she is so ashamed of this and has many times cried and said to me that she wish she could change all of this and that she could have waited and kept saying that she didn’t know…she didn’t know…Then I end up crying more than her, because I realize I hurt her so deeply, yet I am hurting too…It’s a vicious cycle.
We have now been married for over 3 years and have 1 toddler and twins of 10 months. We do have a good relationship. My wife laughs, enjoys life and yet she doesn’t realize how much pain and hurt I still carry inside of me…and I don’t want to talk to her about it anymore, as it just hurts her and I don’t want to do that again.
Over the last 5 years, I have read about 100 articles on this subject, I went for counselling and deliverance at my church and I have also talked to other people about this, but it feels fine for a week or so and then reality kicks in again…
I am so desperate to change my thoughts and to let go of this “obession” that my wife wasn’t a virgin and I REALLY want to stop picturing her with other guys and all they things they did out of my head. It consumes me 24/7 – I can never enjoy anything with her (sexual or non-sexual) as I keep wondering whether or not she has done this with anyone else before…Maybe it is OCD??? I don’t know…but I want these thoughs gone! And because it’s an issue of the mind, I keep saying that I will not think about these things anymore, but as soon as I do, I think about it!
I am considering going for hypnosis on Monday to try and overcome this matter, but I am not even sure if that will work…I am just so desperate and I want to love my wife unconditionally and I want to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, as she is not the girl of her past at all anymore – she is an amazing woman – for her, her past is her past, so I know the problem lies with me and my thoughts, but I am just so desperate and I know I need help and advice.
I would appreciate any comments or even some links to articles, self-hypnosis texts or whatever you guys could recommend I do…
Thank you all so much!
Bless you
Deat Nathan,
I wanted to write to you. Please feel free to read my issue above…I think I’m an earlier version of you…but I haven’t married her yet or had kids.
Difference between my woman and yours is…only 1 guy had her before me. It’s funny isn’t it? How love goes from not caring to disgustingly consuming? But it makes sense,,,you want to know if the person you love really thinks you’re special…but how can you be given the fact that you didn’t physically do anything they did to them exclusively while they had you in EVERY way…right? You can never forget it….but going for hypnosis isn’t the answer…dealing with it is.
My girl didn’t even like the guy she did things with 4 times in any girlfriend boyfriend way…it was mostly casual between friends…(loose term at that).
In any instance….if she’s done everything physically with someone else….yes you never know if you truly are special or if she feels its special. It more than likely just isn’t…or SO IT SEEMS
You just have to take the advice in this amazing article and REALZIE she didn’t CARE about her virginity and that things she probably did sexually MEANT NOTHING to her. This is a fact…women do things sexually out of boredom etc etc. for them…it’s not a big deal..same with guys. Men and women are not much different.
You can be rest assured that with you it actually means something…especially if she’s regretting being with others in the past….and that means they truly did mean NOTHING to her.
However….lets say you two break up….she can tell the next guy you meant nothing…but rest assured if YOU DO MEAN SOMETHING…IN HER HEART…THEN YOU MEAN EVERYTHING AND she shouldn’t have a “next guy”
Time will tell….
@ Nathan,
I so can identify with how you are feeling.. I too am consumed by thoughts such as you. Nothing seems to help except try to forget – but even that dosent seem to work!! I had a meltdown yesterday over it…. Going through the same as you – But have decided I am going to tray to either accept it or make the choice to walk away. I love my fiance and am getting married shortly so certainly don’t want to walk away. I know the saying goes – the past is the past, (sigh) I know that yet I can’t put it behind me and somedays it totally consumes me. I have concluded there is no answer, there is no fixing the past and there is no cure for how we feel except to ACCEPT their past as it can’t be changed – there is no fix for that.. I hate his past, it gives me the cold chills it makes me ill some days but I love who he is today and I pray daily to keep that past where it should be – in the past and I try desperately to not think of it. I pray you are able dismiss the images when they come as they only destroy you and from what I am told – they certainly don’t dwell on their past and have put it behind them as something they are ashamed of. They love us and want to make a future with us.. All the best..
Reading “Tormented”s story is like a mirror of my own. My wife was previously married for 10 years and had a hippie lifestyle in the USA and abroad. She had over 60 lovers, male and female, in threesomes, foursomes, and one orgy. It didn’t upset me at first but as I developed considerable passion for her it became a big problem. I became a moral lecturer and it was agony for over a year. It fell away entirely after we moved in together and married. It appeared to be linked closely with the level of passion in our lives and that moderated after living together. 18 years passed without thinking about it much until recently. Our relationship has rekindled its romance for a number of reasons and unfortunately I’m now bothered about her past again! Also unfortunately she told me almost everything which I now remember better than she does! This time around I’m going to a therapist because I don’t want to lose our regained passion for each other.
“Eric” I know that feeling of remembering better than he does!!! The fact you said it went away completely I hold hope that perhaps that will happen with me. But ugh for you its come back after what – 18 years .. All the best at councelling – I hope you find your peace.. Thank you for sharing – makes me reaslise I’m not the only one struggling with the exact same issues!!!!
Hi Mike and all,
I’ve just started dating this girl, and I’ve never loved someone so much.
We have been talking for half a year but only started dating two months ago. The tricky thing is that we are very far away (ten hours distance by car) and I only see her once every two months. Another thing is that we’re both eighteen, and even though I know this is all “first love lust” and things like that, I still want to be with her…
But eventually I knew I was going to have to ask her about her past. She told me that she had done some things with other guys but not fully sex, and that guys had done the same with her. I’ve always been taught to save myself, so I found this so hard to believe.
When I read your article, I felt like I could relate to so much of what you said. After I read it I called her and told her how sorry I was for acting so distant and hostile to who she had been. When she responded, she told me that she understands how I could feel so lost; she gave something that was so important to me away so easily. But when she said this, I still couldn’t help but feel like we can’t ever be the same; like as if something that I envisioned we could share together was already lost and how I could never get that back…
Is there anything else you know of that could advise me? I just don’t know what to say to her.
Hi Mike,
Thanks so much for your article. I’ve been dealing with my serious gf’s sexually casual past recently, and I know all the ‘right information’, and I know that I ultimately have to get over it. FYI, I am a virgin (though I have my own sexual struggles, amirite, boys?), and a Christian (going into ministry), and my sexual ethics are all from that. She now shares my sexual ethics on pretty much everything, but didn’t used to. We’re mid-late twenties, which I think makes it a bit different to being 17!
But I do find it hard, because so much of what I hear basically makes me feel like I’m completely ridiculous for even struggling with it. People who don’t share my views make me feel like Satan-incarnate for oppressing my gf by letting her know that I find it hard, or desiring her to have a pure sexual ethic as part of our Christian relationship (which she has now! she had it before she met me! And our faith is central to our relationship). And even my Christian mentors (some of whom also married women with significant pasts) don’t seem to get it, and didn’t seem to have the same problems. Which is nice for them.
I love this girl. She’s amazing. I put the probabilities of us marrying as high. And I really appreciate hearing you express exactly the emotions I’ve been feeling. She doesn’t really seem to get it, and I can’t really expect her to. It’s just nice to know that my response to it is not uncommon, without changing the fact that I just have to get over it.
I’d appreciate hearing from you, Mike, if you’re still following this post.
Pete
I’m grateful that such blogs exist.
I was a waiter who married a non-waiter. She did tell me before we got married, but here we are 20 years later and I can’t get over it still. She lost her virginity less than 4 months before we started going out. I hate that she didn’t wait for me. I feel cheated. The guys she gave it up to dumped her right after he took it. He bragged to his best friend who then told her best friend that he only dated her to have his second virgin. I’ve never had one. I hate this guy with all my heart.
She told me later that she lost her virginity because she felt that she wouldn’t get a virgin anyway, so why should she wait. It makes me sick to think of this. She told me(to match my values) that she believed in waiting, but she was duped into giving up her virginity. We now have 3 kids and have been together for 20 years. I feel like I’ve been scammed into a loveless marriage. She has said his name during sex and denies it. She says that she hates him, but when she saw him him in public she didn’t let me know that I had just met him. Why? Shame? Fear? I think that it is because she never got over him. He tricked her into losing her virginity and she fell for the bad boy. I’m the safe good guy that she settled for.
I hate that I am compared to him for sex. I hate that he has carnal knowledge of my wife. I know that she hasn’t been completely honest with me and I’m pretty sure that she has been with other men since we’ve been married. I think that she was with others(including him) while we were dating. I’m pretty disgusted with life right now.
Well I didnt read all these comments but this is my situation. I have a girlfriend I have been with for 9 months. Her sexual history is WAYY different from mine. I’ll start by saying I have been with one girl and she has been with 19 different people some of all races and sexes and once both at the same time. The problem is I have slept with two girls and with their combined sexual history they over 40 partners. My gf now says she wished she didnt do it and my reply is yes now you wished you didnt but back then you wanted it. Anyone can say they wish they could go back. Thats obvious cause you already had your fun now you wanna settle. Well thats fine and all but I want my fun too. Unfortunately I wont find a girl my age (23) with same sexual history as me who isnt a straight laced person. I would love to have sex with 19 people too and have a threesome too. Problem is I have a gf who has flaws but overall a good gf and I want my “fun” but I dont want her waiting on me but I would love if she did. Morals are big in my life and to me she has zero. She always tells me how she has changed but I still cant g t over it. I have kissed less people than she has had sex with. What should I do? I love her but I want to live my life too. Have my sex and experiences. Ive had two gf both less than a year so I think its fair to want my life. I feel bad that I want this but at the sametime I live once and its my chance now to have experiences. She shouldnt have issue seeing as she has had tons of sex with many people. She is older(25) and up until 9 months ago was having sex with whoever. It really sucks cause we break up and I get a “im gonna kill myself” text or call. Bottom line is I love her but want my life and experiences too. I also want her. I know I cant have my cake and eat it too. We had a rough start with her threatening cheating and two of her male friends who told me straight up they wanna “fuck her” and last time we broke up she went to the bar with them and then lied to me the next day saying how she has no life and no reason to live and yet she was out with these guys and lied to me about it and giving me a huge guilt trip. Then when we break up I hate always thinking she will kill herself. I just wanna be single to see if I would have sex or not. I would come back to her but to her its either me or end her life. I know its bad but if im gonna be with someone who has had 19 partners compared to my one (excluding her) then I want my sex too. But if she had only one partner id have no issue not worrying about sex. I would like advice. But im afraid I wont find someone who can relate. As in someone who is with someone who has been around and you have had one person.
Also I can definitely relate to those who say they feel like their partner isnt theres because they have had so much sex. I hate this feeling too. Its true tho because you cant walk down the street without knowing (pardon my language) your girl has sucked all these guys penises and youre kissing it. And knowing how to you she is your woman but to others she is this fuck doll. Yes, your girl or guy says they wish they could go back but if they could they would make the same decisions. Yes you want to take it away. Wanna know why? Because you want the good sex history meaning with little to zero people but you only want that because you already had all that sex so of course you want a clean slate. Lol sorry it angers me.
@ Nathan I have made my gf cry because of her past. Its the worse because you need to talk to her but you cant. And no matter what you cant change it. Sometimes I wish she could break up with me because it does bother me and I feel I bring her done which the brings me down. It is a horrible cycle.
@Bob – so the guy basically “had his virgin” ?
Why can’t you just redefine virginity to mean something more than a dick in a hole. Perhaps actual feelings of love that are legitimate based on relative circumstances? Even if she did moan his name, it wasn’t real. The love was never there because he isn’t with her. Think about it. She knows it. Even if she thought it at the time (which sucks) she knows it was nothing – so it was retrospectively never “TAKEN FOREVER”
I feel too many guys here are being absolutely over the top about the virginity thing. It’s about the totality of EMOTIONAL ownership…and legitimate ones at that. THINK ABOUT IT – if you take your woman’s virginity without her waiting until MARRIAGE …does it REALLY mean anything to her? Because she COULD possibly fuck another guy.
You guys just don’t see it. Bob, etc, Pete.
Obviously you feel it fucking sucks they felt sexual arousal/attraction for other guys…but you all need to snap out of the “i want to be special to her” bubble. It just does NOT exist. It’s relative based on proximity. God put you here…you all believe in God (Not that I do) then perhaps God had a reason for it? Perhaps God wants to test you? Pick your examples…
I doubt God gives a crap for virginity truthfully more than the Bible states in waiting. Yes…waiting is the BEST policy in all religions..it ensures true spirtual connection etc..but then if a girl FUCKS many GUYS before that – its as if it was never spirtual…so WHO cares.
Be the guy that marries her, haves kids with her…etc. And move on. You may not be her “first”
But you can be her ONE AND ONLY LAST.
@Bob i didnt mean you i meant etc.
@CaptainSpar lol I was thinking you may have not meant to put my name. But my feeling has NOTHING to do with religion or virginity. Actually after I posted that post I realized this website is about church and stuff. Made me regret my posting. I do believe in God, its just me and my relationship with him is between me and him. I was just saying it bothers me because she had all these experiences and I didnt. Also that she did all of these things (which is normal in todays society) but didnt think that this is kind of promiscuous behavior. Anyways i do appreciate advice. I know it wont go away and in all honesty i just have to learn as i go. I have faith it will all end right tho. Actually I wish I could take my post down. I was looking for advice but I now feel guilty asking for some. This is my issues and i need to handle it myself. If there is a way to take it down id appreciate it tons.
But for those people who are (no offense) “bible thumpers” heres a side story. My very first gf who I lost my virginity to was very jiffy. Meanng she spread easy. I didnt know this cause she had an angel act where she made everyone believe she was a saint. Well that girl ended up cheating on me at chruch camp. Funny huh? Go to church camp where they tell you pre marital sex makes you go to hell and she cheated there. Anyways I hope everyone can figure it all out. I know its hard just keep the faith.
Also reading back it looks like I put my gf in a bad light. The main reason I even posted was to somehow get me to stop thinking about it. I cant however. But my gf is sooo damn awesome. Im the one who is in the wrong in the situation. Its jealousy and curiousity. She is an amazing gf and there are two sides to every story so even tho my post seems to make her out to be bad it was unintentional. Actually im an asshole for even letting it get to me. Hell its my greed and jealousy. Idk I know we have issues and most are mine. But i do see it ending well. Thanks yall
Tormented and Eric..I’m glad that I am not the only one with these feelings..my wife of 20 years was very active when she was younger. I even witnessed her a couple times with her ex..it has become a source of both pain, and fantasy for me..but it’s a constant struggle. Hoping for some peace.
Bob..I watched my (now) wife fuck her ex on multiple occaisions..before we were married.
Those images are a source of fantasy and jealousy..so very conflicted…anyone else in my situation?
@Bob – I understand your feeling about wanting to do what your girlfriend did…but she had no idea she would meet you. I get it. You feel she has all of you..and you have “none” of her. I’m no bible thumper..and Bob this site isnt for BIBLE PEOPLE. It’s just people who take a stance on WAITING for sex. THATS IT. But as you can imagine, it attracts a lot of christians.
In any case…to all the men here who feel cheated, the men who have MARRIED their women and feel cheated….I am sorry. But you are being ridiculous, egotistical, and selfish…but you are allowed to feel this way. What most of you boys don’t realize is you need to be men and realize you are the FIRST OF THE LAST AND ONLY. Why is that not a bigger deal than some dude who put his dick in first or equivalent to “FIRST!” on a youtube comment? Who gives a shit…
@CaptainSpar I believe just saying get over it isnt enough for some. Me included. I believe everyone here knows already what youre saying. Just suck it up. However we aren’t all necessarily last. You can always break up and get back. Thanks anyways for your help. My bad not knowing this isnt a Christian site. And I dont mean to affend any Christians by saying bible thumpers.
@Chris im sorry man that is crucial. Idk any advice other than what everyone else will say and thats if you love her then stay but if its a huge bother id talk about it with her and figure something out. Its gonna be difficult but I hope it works out for you.
Let me share mine..
Me and my girlfriend had been dating for 8 months.. I really like her.. It’s just to painful to bare that she had already sexual experiences before me.. I always wanted to get over all of those things just to give her more love..
She told me that she had been sexually active on her 7th boyfriend while she was 17. She had already made sex with him 3 times. She actually accepted only out of curiousity.. After she had broke up with him because she thought that he dated her only to have sex with her,she had another sex with a friend because she was inlove with him.. Little did she know that friend already had another girlfriend.. She also said that she had been touched by some of her bf. (fingered and licked)
She told me everything because she doesn’t want anything hidden from me because she loved me so much.. She even told me that I’m the guy for her and wanted to marry me.. She regret all those things that had happened and also wished that I was there for her ever since..
I just wanted my mind to get rid of the images of her and her exes doing sex.. I love her too and I want it to grow.. But still, I feel lucky that she’s the one for me.. I cant’t even describe in words for how much she is different from the others. I want to protect her, to give care for her..The things that really bothers me is the images that is playing inside my head, the insecurity, and her reputation because many people already know what had happened to her..