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The 7 Emotions You Feel When You Discover Your Partner’s Sexual Past

July 25th, 2011 by

Here’s the situation: You’re dating somebody that you really, really like. In fact, you just might love them. But there’s a problem: They’ve got a sexual history, and it’s eating you alive. As a virgin who is waiting till marriage, dealing with a partner’s sexual past is one of the greatest and most painful challenges you’ll face in romantic relationships.

Sometimes the pain is immediate: You’ve been in love with your partner for a while, and then one day you discover the sordid details of their sexual past and it wrecks you.

Sometimes it creeps up on you: You’ve known about their history from the beginning, but it didn’t really bother you until now. And now all of a sudden, it’s like you can’t stop thinking about it and torturing yourself with mental pictures. This has gone from a minor annoyance to a major and central problem in your relationship.

You’re being assaulted by a swarm of horrible feelings, and I know they all feel jumbled together, but it’s important to pull them apart and give them names. The more you can identify and understand the nature of your own feelings, the easier it will be for you to process and act on them in a healthy way.

1. Moral Outrage and Disgust

Their sexual past goes against all of your deeply held values about the way people should conduct themselves, what is good, what is proper, and what is right. How could they just throw away their virginity like it was nothing? How could they have sex with that brain-dead skank/douchebag? They must not have any values. Nobody has any values anymore. They just threw their body away and never thought twice.

How to get over it

The important thing to remember here is that their choices probably weren’t wrong, bad, evil, or immoral; they were probably just different from the ones you made. Even if there are universally bad deeds in their past, it will be more useful for you to view their past decisions as differences rather than as indiscretions.

If you look at their past choices as errors, then it becomes a matter of damnation or forgiveness. But by seeing their choices for what they are (differences between you and them), you can use the knowledge to adjust your understanding of your partner.

What do those choices really say about them? Where did their choices come from (psychologically)? Would they makes those choices again? Were their decisions a fluke of youth, or a part of their current character? How has their sexual past shaped their attitudes today? What does that mean for your compatibility in the future?

Those are useful and revealing questions, and it’s important that you answer them for yourself soberly. You may conclude that your partner’s past does not actually have a hell of a lot of bearing on who they are now or who they will likely be in 10 years.

People can change for the better, and kids do stupid things. They might feel as bad (or worse) about the events in their past as you do. Make sure you don’t damn them for something they’ve already moved very far past.

But don’t kid yourself. It’s crucial that you go through this analysis, because you need to be acutely aware of differences in their mentality, especially when you’re a waiter dating a non-waiter. Sometimes a person’s past can represent permanent differences in character that will make it nearly impossible for you to have a happy long-term relationship with them.

So in summary: Get off your high horse, but keep your ears perked.

2. Wounded Pride

In effect, you just found out that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is less yours. They physically have already given a big piece of themselves to somebody else.

Maybe it was to someone they loved; Or worse, someone they didn’t. Or maybe they’re so spread around that practically everybody has had a piece of them. That makes your piece pretty worthless. And it makes it an unfair trade for you to give so much of yourself for that thing everybody else just took for nothing.

But you already traded, and now you feel ripped off in a very bitter way. What a fool you are to have cared about them and built them up to be this great thing, when they were just like everybody else. What a fool you are to have thought you had something special and unique. It’s not that they’ve been knocked off their pedestal; it’s that they’re still on the pedestal but they’ve let other people have sex with them who didn’t appreciate their value like you do.

How to get over it

There are many ways to possess someone, besides just physically. It is possible to give more of your heart to someone than you’ve given to anybody else. Sustainable marriage between non-waiters wouldn’t exist without a kind of emotional possession that goes beyond the physical.

Of  course, the problem is that for 50% of marriages, sustainable marriage doesn’t exist — the emotional ownership alone isn’t quite strong enough to last a lifetime in many cases.

As someone who is waiting till marriage, you are hoping to be owned physically by your spouse by giving them your virginity (and thus your only full-body commitment) and taking theirs in return. You no doubt think (and rightly so) that this increased physical ownership between the two of you will multiply the emotional ownership, and contribute to a deeper, more lasting marriage. When you find out that your girlfiriend/boyfriend won’t be able to participate in this mutual physical ownership, you’ve got two problems…

  1. It’s not as easy for you to own them completely
  2. There will be a mismatch. Because you waited, they will own you completely while they won’t offer you the same ownership in return.

There is only one way to fix this: You have to make damn sure that you have extra emotional ownership to compensate for the lack of extra physical possession. There is such a thing as a person out there who will be so crazy in love with you, and feel so compatible with you, that they will commit to you with the same finality as a virgin would (if not more). Find that person. Adjust your expectations so that you’ll be happy with complete emotional ownership, and try your damnedest not to accept anything less. And if you find it, virgin or no, don’t be afraid to run with it and see where it takes you.

3. Betrayal

They were supposed to save themselves for you, and they went and gave it up to somebody else. You were supposed to be their first and only, and now you’re just another one in a long line. That was supposed to be your special moment, but they gave it away to others instead. You thought they made emotional commitments to you, but those commitments are clearly shallow and meaningless compared to your own.

How to get over it

Even though it feels like it, they didn’t actually betray you. They didn’t even know you back then. You can’t damn them for something they didn’t even know they were doing. They’re here with you now. And if you ask them, you might discover that they’d rather have saved it for you, and might even be pretty upset and self-conscious about it. Or they might be fine with their past (really depends on the person). In any case, give them credit for the things they do now to be true to you, in the ways that they can.

4. Jealousy

If you were having sex with them, the fact that they’ve had sex before would not bother you nearly as much. But right now they’ve done things with somebody else that they’re not doing with you, and that stings like hell. Somebody else got to experience more of your partner than you can. You wish you could have been that other person…you wish you could have had that experience. You can’t stand the idea of your partner experiencing all those things with some other person.

How to get over it

Jealousy is a function of insecurity. The more insecure you are, the more jealous you will feel. And conversely, the less insecure you are, the less jealous you feel. There is also the possession factor: Your partner’s ex owns a piece of them that you can’t own (at least, that’s how it feels).

This is an amplified, more painful version of what you feel when you see somebody with the newest iPhone, if that iPhone represented all your hopes and dreams.

The ultimate cure for jealousy is to have the same (or better) experiences with your partner as they had with their ex(es). Their past will largely stop bothering you the instant you share the same experience with them (i.e., when you get married and have sex).

The problem is, because you’re waiting, you can’t share the same experiences with them right now. That’s why sexual jealousy can become so pronounced in relationships where one person is waiting.

Since you can’t just have sex with them and ease your jealousy of the sex they’ve had with their ex(s), you need to get comfortable with two scenarios: Either you are going to marry this person, in which case you will have far more and freakier sex with them than they ever had with any ex. Or you’re not going to marry them and this doesn’t matter because you’re going to end up happier with somebody else.

Here’s one final tip on jealousy. Ask yourself: What does your significant other’s ex have to be jealous of you about? Don’t forget who’s winning the day right now. You are the one that has earned their modern affections. You are the one they love now. You are the one their more mature self has chosen. And you are the one they choose to be with over their ex.

5. Insecurity

Do they still think of their ex? Are they satisfied with you? Won’t they be thinking of all their past encounters while they’re with you? What if you don’t stack up? What if you get married and you still can’t overcome what he felt with his ex? What if she is thinking about sex with her other partners more than she thinks about sex with you? What if his ex was more experienced and made him feel better than you can? What if he’ll never commit to you physically because you’re new at this unlike his more experienced exes?

How to get over it

Your imagination is your own worst enemy here. In your mind, your partner’s past is the most painful and insecurity-inducing version you can picture. But the reality is often much more boring than that. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it helps to meet their exes. There’s a reason why they’re with you not and not with the ex, and you can often see that reason much more clearly when you meet the ex.

Do what you can to throw cold facts on your hellish imagination, and it will calm the inflammation a little.

Also, focus on being really, really good at all the things you do with your partner, both physically and otherwise. Make it your mission in life to rock their world in all the ways that you can. Sex is like driving in that everybody things they’re good at it automatically. Use that to your advantage. Actually put thought and effort into learning how to be good, and you’ll likely surpass most of their exes easily. More importantly, you’ll be boosting your own sense of self-efficacy along the way (you’ll prove to yourself that you can get better and make them increasingly happy).

6. Violated ideals/Shattered fantasy

You wanted to marry another virgin so it would be perfect. You wanted the perfect relationship, the perfect love, and the perfect marriage. And now you’ve found a person that you’re crazy about and it would be perfect if only they hadn’t ruined it by tossing away their virginity like it was nothing, and now it’s all wrong. Not like you had pictured at all.

How to get over it

Your original fantasy was a lasting marriage with a wonderful person who you adore and who adores you back. Never forget that.

7. Love/Infatuation

All of the above pains are feelings that come along with being emotionally invested in somebody. If you didn’t feel anything for your partner and if you don’t see a future with them, then their past might bother you intellectually, but it’s not going to keep you up nights. It’s only the people you really care about — the ones you want to own — that will be able to hurt you with their past.

This is where people usually get into trouble. See, you don’t always realize right away that these bad emotions (anger/outrage, jealousy, insecurity, etc.) are byproducts of a good emotion (love). And by the time you feel all the bad emotions, they cloud you so badly that they overshadow the lovey feelings that lead to them.

It’s kind of a weird thing. If your partner did something current, like cheated on you, you would go through many of the same emotions, and after fighting about it your partner might wonder if you were going to break up with them. And maybe you would. But when you fight about the past it goes a bit differently.

When you’re upset about a sexual past, you’ll scream and yell and hurt your partner. But you don’t want them to go. You don’t want to break up. It’s because you want to be with them that their past bothers you. But try telling them that after you’ve ripped them to shreds over a hurt that they they never intentionally caused you.

How to get over it

Never forget how rare it is to find somebody who you love enough to be vulnerable to. In your life you will date so many people who you could take or leave regardless of what their past looks like. When you find somebody that really ignites your heart, don’t take that opportunity for granted by fighting about things that happened before you met. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it; but don’t go for blood. Remember who’s blood you’d be drawing: somebody you want to be with.

Here are some more articles that might help…

  1. Jennifer’s Sexual Jealousy FAQ (aka How to Get Over Your Partner’s Past)
  2. How I Got Over My Fiance’s Sexual Past (by Jennifer)
  3. Book: The Waiting Til Marriage Survival Guide (contains an extensive chapter on sexual jealousy, with new insights from both Mike and Jennifer)

354 Responses to “The 7 Emotions You Feel When You Discover Your Partner’s Sexual Past”

  1. Dani says:

    Just once I wish I could find an article that wasn’t all get over it the past is the past. I want a virgin there I said it, in general I want someonewith morals that match mine. A beed hopping guy, or only in a relationshis guy does not have the same morals I do period. It might be hard as heck to find him but that’s what I want. I want the whole enchilad so to speak. I do not want to settle because no one like that exists, and I’m not going to spendd a significant amount of a relationship getting over it because no one else may come around.
    Flame away, I won’t be changing my mind.

  2. Mike says:

    Hey Dani,

    I assure you, this is one of the only sites where I don’t think you’ll get flamed badly for what you just said. I think most of us here can identify deeply with what you’re saying (I sure can). If I had a choice, of course I would want to find another waiter. And my natural impulse is to view anything less as a kind of unideal compromise.

    I write these “get over the past” articles for 4 reasons:

    1. For people who are already in relationships with non-waiters and want some help managing their emotions. Not so they can settle, but so they can focus on getting the most out of a relationship that they want to be in right now (for their own reasons).

    2. Because I have met exactly one non-waiter girl who I felt I could be rapturously happy with and feel lucky to have…without ever feeling like I was settling (because of her not waiting). I often think of her when I argue for giving non-waiters a chance to make you happy. I have also seen through this site and in my personal life several relationships work very well between a waiter and a non-waiter. Plus I have seen people change, and I have changed.

    3. Because I am trying to flesh it out as I go and see if it can work. I am not totally convinced that us waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters. But similar to a scientist developing a hypothesis, I try to argue the issue as if I was convinced (that waiters should be open to marrying non-waiters), in part to see if it logically holds up or falls apart when I try to argue it. I do this not a little bit for my own purposes (see #2), but also for the cause on the whole (to add to the discussion and trigger great counter arguments like yours).

    4. Because I once eviscerated a long-term girlfriend over her sexual history only to feel horrible and instantly clear about the issue right after I had hurt her beyond the point of no return. And I don’t want anybody else to make that same mistake if I can help it, because it was awful.

    All that said, I wish you a very heartfelt godspeed in finding another virgin waiter. You can do it, and many before you have. We are out there! Maybe if this site grows big enough we’ll all be able to find each other more easily (I’ve just hinted at my ulterior motives for creating this site haha).

  3. Dani says:

    Sorry if I sounded deranged, in my last post. All your reasons are valid, and I think that once you choose to be in a relationship with a non waiter you have to “get over it.” I’ve just heard one too many lectures on me being unrealistic, test driving carsq, and sex is no big deal etc

  4. Jon says:

    This article actually really helped me. I’ve been seeing my partner for 7 months now, we have recently put everything out in the open. I found it really hard to discover all of her sexual past. I knew some of it, but this was too much for me to handle. When she told me how she lost her virginity, she said she was 17 and was away with a friend on a trip away from home. She had her first drink, went to bed alone that night at a friends. Another guy that was there came into her room, talked for a bit, they fell asleep then next thing you know bam, they have sex and he’s gone the next day. I’m really struggling knowing this, it’s effecting me more than anything else. She never told him she was a virgin, he was 21 at the time. This was about 4 years ago, we are both 21 now. Any advice? This is consuming my every thought, I just feel like crying.

  5. Mike says:

    Hey Jon,

    I feel for you, man. I’ve been there. I couldn’t have written this article if I hadn’t.

    Couple things that might help:

    1. Develop a realistic mental picture of that first time. I know her story sounds awful when echoed off your own morals, but consider how awkward, unremarkable, and ultimately unsatisfying that encounter probably was for her. If that lame experience is what you have to compete with, it’ll be pretty easy for you to beat.

    2. How does she feel about it? Is she ashamed of it, or does she act like it’s no big deal? If she feels ashamed/guilty about it at all, there might be hope for you. I’m not talking tears and desperate repentance here. A little downturn in her voice when she mentions it is enough to reveal how she feels about it and that she is not looking to repeat that kind of experience.

    On the other hand, if she thinks it’s no big deal, then you might have a problem. Date a little longer and have fun if you want, but you may not be long-term compatible.

    Whatever you do, do not try to force her to feel shame that she doesn’t already feel. I know her feeling bad about it makes you feel better, but you can’t try to create that. All the troubles come from trying to tell her how she should feel based on how you want her to feel. Learn how she feels naturally, and plan accordingly.

    3. Is that lame virginity loss moment the extent of it? Is that the worse she’s got?

    Give it time, and try considering your life without her at all. Keep things in perspective. For better or worse, she’s still the same girl she was before she told you that. But the question is: Does this knowledge reveal current character traits that you hadn’t noticed until now? Or does it feel more like this is in the past and separate from who she is now?

    Hang in there. This is no fun. But it gets better.

  6. Laura says:

    I took a year away from sex because I’ve had so many bad relationships that put too much emphasis on the physical. Now I feel as though I’d like to wait for marriage, but is that ridiculous when I’ve already been sexually active?

  7. Mike says:

    Hey Laura,

    It’s not ridiculous at all. Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon wait on her, so there’s some precedent for you.

    The longer you wait, the more you start to resemble those who have waited from the beginning, for good and ill.

    And just FWIW, speaking as a guy who’s waiting, I would be much more interested in you than somebody who hadn’t waited at all…on that factor alone anyway.

  8. Christawna says:

    I am waiting for marraige, but is it better to be with a guy who waited also. I mean, I do want a guy with morals, but what about the experience. Do guys who wait til marraige please their women on their honeymoon? Is the sex amazing or fustrating cause the lack of experience from both the male and female?

    Ps. please don’t misunderstand me. I think that it is good to wait till marraige. I think that everyone should do it so a lot of this madness can stop. But, I want to know if the male will actually please me if he is a virgin and if the sex will be good? I’m just a teenager who wants the truth.

    Also, it will be nice to get some answers from those who waited for marraige and who is married now. Thanks 🙂

  9. vee says:

    actually… (im a girl) i would like my future husband to be pretty experienced : ) just sayin’

  10. Mike says:

    @Christawna and vee,

    Thanks for your comments! I’m a guy who’s waiting till marriage for sex, but I’m very…proficient…at certain other activities, so I think I can speak to both perspectives here. I’ll try to shed some light on your “I’m waiting but kinda want an experienced guy” questions.

    First off, if you’re planning to wait until marriage, I would drop the expectation of extremely talented, wall-shaking, synchronized sex on your honeymoon. The whole point of waiting is so that sex has meaning. And that’s what you will get on your wedding night and honeymoon: Extremely fun, meaningful sex….even if you’re both just figuring it out as you go. And then, because you’re starting from scratch, you get to spend your whole marriage learning to be “experienced” together and having years of increasingly great sex.

    Five years into your marriage, when you have just built-up to the kind of sex that non-waiters had on the honeymoon, your married friends that didn’t wait will be reaching for the magazine racks because they’ve run out of ideas to make sex interesting and it’s making their marriage dull. That’s one of the best parts of waiting: When typical marriages are burning out, yours will just be heating up!

    Second, sex is a two person game. If one person is inexperienced, it doesn’t matter (to some extent) how experienced the other person is…it’s kind of like the whole “the platoon can only move as fast as the slowest soldier” thing. This is because you don’t know your own body yet, and you will be self-conscious, so it will be hard for you to communicate what you want at first. Without your signals and communication, the guy will be flying blind. He will resort to generic techniques and hope that they work. If he’s very experienced he may be able to make you feel pretty good, but not nearly as good as he’s going to be able to make you feel once you get some experience.

    Third, “experienced” is not the same thing as “good”. I know guys with plenty of experience who still can’t ring their girl’s bell because they don’t think it through or they’re selfish in bed…or because they’re too embarrassed to ask for instructions. I’ve met girls with the same problem. This is why, in my opinion, love and willingness to learn trumps experience.

    So I guess to answer Christawna’s questions…

    Do guys who wait til marraige please their women on their honeymoon? Is the sex amazing or fustrating cause the lack of experience from both the male and female?

    I’d say: The sex is amazing…in a very sweet, emotional way. But by sexual proficiency standards, it’s just the beginning. And that’s the point.

  11. Al says:

    I was a virgin up until I met my current girlfriend. We have had a few issues and kinks to work out early in our relationship but we have been very honest and open with eachother. I asked the dumb question of how many people she had slept with prior to me. Because we had a talk about honesty she told me the truth. I was not prepared for the answer. She said “under 20” it totally caught me off gaurd And my heart was ripped out of my chest. I knew she was not a virgin but up to twenty people was mind blowing concisering she was my first and she is only 22 years old. I have really tried hard to move past this because I know it is the past. However it is still very hard and new to deal with. I was wondering if anyone had words of encouragement or advice. Thanks

  12. J says:

    I have personal experience with this. I am currently engaged to the man of my dreams, and I had an immense amount of trouble getting over his sexual past. It caused a great deal of fighting, and the things I said out of anger, etc. (all the emotions mentioned in the article) hurt him very much. In fact, I took it so far that there was a point where I believed that we weren’t going to make it, and the mere thought of losing him absolutely devastated me.

    The most interesting part about his sexual history was that he too, was a waiter, who made some mistakes. I took those mistakes, and would hold them against him. I took a man who loved me unconditionally, and through fighting about his past, indirectly showed him that no matter what he did for me, no matter how much he loved me, I would always hold his past against him. I am ashamed of how I have acted and treated him.

    He has told me many times that he is ashamed of the mistakes he’s made, but he has chosen to take those mistakes and let them serve as lessons to make him into the person he is today – the person I fell in love with.

    If I can help someone out who is in the same situation as me, maybe the experience will have served it’s purpose. I would love to write more about my experience and to share advice on the topic of dealing with someone’s sexual history but don’t know how and would love suggestions.

  13. Mike says:

    @J – I would LOVE for you to share some of your advice, and would be happy to help you put together an article for the site. Also (speaking from a ton of experience here), writing about it will help you. The fastest and most reliable way to get through something is to help others get through that same thing…it helps you organize your thoughts, step outside yourself, and puts your healthy conclusions in stone so you don’t forget them. Join the forums and send me a Private Message, or email me directly: mike at

    The thing to remember with sexual history problems is that — assuming it’s not a mismatch of values (like, you’re otherwise compatible if it weren’t for the past) — then it’s more your problem than his. He can apologize and try to help until he’s blue in the face, but ultimately you’re the one that has to learn how to deal with it (or not).

  14. R says:

    I would know for a fact that if I was with a girl with a sexual history I would be deeply affected, like most of us. It would bother me alot. The fact men have gone before me, I don’t think I could get over that. why should I deal with that? it’s not fair that she had those partners while I was waiting. so obviously I want a virgin we should be able to have what we deserve, that special night.

  15. Seaflo says:

    Mike Can you plz give me some advice if possible, or anyone. All the seven emotions u wrote above make 100% sense but. Heres my story. My girlfriend decided to have sex while away in college, I stayed local and she didnt. We were both waiting till marriage but I guess someone couldnt control themselves. She decided to do it with a friend of hers. I have experinced every single emotion you have felt but what I want to know is how do you move on? Like honestly I want to forget about her but we were together for so long and we cared about each other so much.(4 years down the drain) The problem is that I honestly dont believe she’s sorry. Like I told her I cant talk to her and that I dont want to hear from her and instead of trying to talking to me to fix things, all she said was i know ur mad so am going to give you your space…. She didnt even have the decency to visit me on thanksgiving to explain herself like I can understand that she might be scared to face me but if she cared wouldnt she still face me to show me that she cares. I’m I just blowing this all out of proportion? Or am I right? Part of me also know feels like I wont find any girl who is a virgin who is waitting since I am 20 and by that age well the numbers speak for themselves…. Any advice would be appreciated

  16. Mike says:

    Hi Seaflo,

    Okay. I’m about to give you some terrible news, Seaflo. Are you ready to hear it? What I’m about to say next is the brutal truth that you must accept:

    The girl you love is dead. The girl you met, the girl you dated for years, the girl you thought was the end-all answer to your life…she’s dead, in the ground, buried, never coming back. What exists in her place now is a pale shell of what you knew. A kind of ghost image…a mutation that has taken over her corpse and continues to move around in her body. The person you see on Facebook, the person that visits your home town sometimes, the person that texts you every once in a while…that is not her. That is somebody else.

    The girl you love is dead. I want you to say that out loud over and over again until you accept it. Say her name. Say “Susie Jenkins is dead” (whatever her name is). I want you to cry for the loss, to mourn her, and most importantly I want you to remember the good times you had with her before she died. I want you to miss her in a way, but stay realistic because you know there is no coming back from death. And then move on. Because that girl is dead, and now you must find a new girl…a brand-new girl who is full of life and promise…so much that she makes you forget about that tragic, untimely death.

    Sometimes you will see the walking ghost of the girl you loved. Sometimes it will text or email you. Do not take it seriously. Stay polite, and end the conversation at the first opportunity. And then go back to your life, and try to forget what the walking corpse said. Just put it out of your mind as soon as you hang up the phone. It may have looked and sounded like her, but it was not her. That girl is dead. Do not let the fact that her ghost so closely resembles her have power over you, ever. Never treat that thing as any more than a zombie that looks like the girl you knew…never see it as her, because she is dead.

    Do not worry about finding a girl who’s still waiting at 20. There are plenty of them out there! Start by joining our forums and hanging out with lots of such girls! Then go find a big church, and find even more waiter girls. Put yourself in those circles. It’s much easier than you think to find at 20. Don’t start worrying until you’re at least 26.

    Hang in there, Seaflo. I’m so sorry for your loss. She was a great girl.

  17. Melissa says:

    I thought this article was very good. I have felt each of these seven emotions you wrote out and was so happy to see I’m not alone. I waited until marriage and my husband didn’t. We’ve been married a year and a half now and it all has hit me very hard recently. I don’t know what the big delay was, but it was very difficult. All I can say is that it does get easier once you deal with it, and if your partner is patient and loving with you. I think one of the most important things is that if this person truly loves you, their past hurts them as much as it does you. And when my husband saw that I was going through a hard time with it, it broke his heart. There is nothing they can do to change the past, and don’t beat them over and over and over again for it. Forgive and move on. You miss so many wonderful times and making new memories with your partner if you dwell over the past too much.

  18. Anonymous says:

    I just want you to know how much I appreciate this whole website and especially this article. As someone who comes from a conservative Asian family, I always considered that waiting (and expecting your future spouse to be too) is practical, and only found out this year that it wasn’t, when I told some of my friends and they laughed. (I guess “sheltered” doesn’t even begin to cover how my parents raised me, haha.)

    I don’t know… they just made me feel as if I was shallow and backwards and anti-feministic. And ever since then, I’ve been trying really hard to “fix my brain” into thinking that it was okay, that if I found someone whom I truly love, I wouldn’t care about their sexual history. But they’re just words, and I never really felt convinced. I know I’d still be crushed. That’s why it’s such a relief to find this article, since now I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.

    It’s also nice to know that there are actually other waiters out there (especially men… it’s like finding out unicorns exist!). At least there’s a place where people like us can feel comfortable with our decision.

  19. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Anonymous,

    Thank you for your words of encouragement.

    As incredible as this site is, we’ve only tapped into a small amount of this site’s potential. We have a lot of initiatives and projects in the pipeline, for the near future, which should really transform this site and spark a revolution.

    Sadly, abstinence and “waiting” is not the norm and unfortunately many people do laugh at us. At the same time though, I think lots of people wish they had the strength to make our choice. As much as that sucks, I think the cool thing about this site is that we don’t judge or look down on ppl who make different decisions.

    There are definitely men out there who wait, I myself, a 26 year old guy, am still waiting ;-).

    If you want, feel free to join the forums. You’ll meet some cool people… who won’t laugh at you 😛

  20. hrishi says:

    thank you

  21. Ntonto says:


    I am now 27… i have waited until the age of 25. I wish i had not done it as i am not with my ex anymore. I want to convince my current boyfriend for us to abstain until marriage, how do i do that?

  22. Anonymous says:

    Finally a site that doesn’t beat up the “waiter” for being unfair to the one who didn’t. I was with a girl 7 months. I knew about her sexual past but it didn’t hit me until I really started to care for her… that was the most painful experience I’ve had to date in my 24 years.

    I did everything I knew to “fix” myself and my heart. It wasn’t until after the relationship ended that I realized how badly she had left me out to dry. When I mentioned that I was having an issue she became a little distant. She said it was everything she could do to not run away. I can’t blame her fully for this because she was still dealing with guilt and regret herself…and one of those past guys was abusive.

    Even still… thinking about it now… a simple “I wish I waited for you.. I’m so sorry” would have gone a long way. Instead I got: “I made stupid decisions but the past is the past and it can’t be fixed” , “Those guys didn’t mean anything.. it was good exercise, felt good and relieved stress” , “If you can’t get over it then I don’t think this can work out.”

    All of those things may have been true, but someone who is worth getting over this issue for is someone who will partner up with you in the process… YOU do have to deal with their past but it’s the fact that they have a past that there’s even a problem… why shouldn’t they have a prominent role in the solution. Your feelings are a consequence of their actions after all.

    Like the author said… you must recognize whether or not they have TRULY changed and that person MUST be willing to partner with you through the process. This may be one of the most painful things you go through BUT if the two of you can make it… you’ll be able to handle a whooole lot that the world throws at you in the future.

  23. Eibhlinn says:

    I’m a non-waiter, like I have explained on another article. There are a few things I would add to this.

    When finding out that you are a waiter but he/she is not, I would urge people to think about these few things:

    1/ That’s still a person in front of you. A person that you cared enough about to be with in the first place. Try and consider whether their sexual past actually has an incidence on that before you react.

    2/ Their sexual past does not mean they have no morals. Find out what their morals are and how they differ from yours. I didn’t wait, but I never treated sex casually. I believe in sex as an expression of love and to be shared with someone only when you are both mature enough and share full trust and respect for each other. I just don’t believe marriage necessarily is the line to wait for. Nor do I believe it is something you can only find once (otherwise waiters who end up divorced should just resign themselves to continuing their lives lonely and sad). Once you know what their morals are, ask yourself if it’s something you can live with and if it is indeed so different to yours.

    3/ Love and marriage demand some compromise. If their morals are completely incompatible with yours, then yes, you probably don’t belong together. But if their morals are just a little different or they’ve just made mistakes, ask yourself if you can make your peace with it.

  24. Lindsey says:

    I recently got married and my husband was very honest when he told me how many sexual partners he had before he met me. I was a waiter, he was not. I chose to wait due to my faith. My husband shares the same faith. It was not easy for him to tell me about his past, but I figured if God can forgive him, I could too. No one is perfect. While some of us may struggle with different temptations/problems we all have issues and we should show each other grace especially if we say we love the other person

  25. Anonymous says:

    I have been with my partner 3 years & it hasn’t been until recently that the whole jealousy issue has raised its ugly head. I think that this could be that I’ve realised just how amazingly special she is to me & how much I actually love her! I am in my 30’s & my partner is in her 20’s. The first time she had sex was when she was 15. in the space of 7 years she has slept with 6 guys (including myself). Some of them were boyfriends & others were friends. I feel like such a hypocrit feeling jealous over her ex’s considering that I have bedded 11 woman in my time. Yet, I cannot help but feel so unbelievably jealous of these other men. I cannot seem to get the image of her in the throws of passion with these other guys, her doing stuff with these other men & enjoying it. I know that it is unrealistic to think these things escpecially considering that I wasn’t even in the equation. I feel so insecure, but more so because there could potentially have slept with a 7th person. When she was 16 she went to a party, got drunk & snuck off to a room with a guy. She can remember his name but not whether she slept with him or not? She only met him that once & has never run into him again. She swears this to be the truth, but I cannot help but feel that she is telling me what I want to hear. She does seem embarrassed by the situation & doesn’t like talking about it. I seem to be my own worst enemy & seem to be punishing myself by asking her loads of questions. All this does is make things worse in my head & is pushing her away. The worst thing is, I keep bumping into the guys she has slept with & one of them just so happens to be her friends partner. This is worsened when she asks if we wanna hang out with her friend & consequently her ex. She seems so insensitive to the fact that I don’t wanna be the only person in the room who hasn’t slept with this guy. It just feels like her sexual past is on my doorstep & just when I feel like I’m getting over it, I bump into one of these guys & it all comes flooding back. I recently found some letters to herself that she wrote 4 years ago saying that she was worried that she had gotten pregnant after having unprotected sex with her boyfriend at the time. It ripped my heart out & was worsend when I read on & found her describing how lovely & cute this other guy was, who she later slept with. I really love this girl so much & I just want this out of my head. She is the same person that I fell in love with 3 years ago… I don’t wanna talk to her about it because it is causing us to fight & loosing her over this just makes no sense at all, especially since we have fought so hard to be together…

  26. Ade says:

    I have been married for about 3 years now, and i’ve had a terrible time, considering the fact that my wife was a non-waiter, and had even had abortions that were hidden from me until recently (after more than two years of marriage). It’s painful but not surprising, since such things occur as a consequence of such lifestyles. When I think back, I wish I had left the relationship when I could.

    The fact is, there is no way you won’t see hints of the lifestyle that resulted in that kind of past, peppered throughout your future life with the non-waiter. In the right conditions, it will happen again.

    What I’ve done now to keep myself from running mad, is to equate my own experiences with hers, and acknowledge that I have done as badly as she. So, the heavy pettings I’ve had with girls, the dirty talks, etc had to be seen for what they were, sexual sin. To wit, I’ve not been “all that” myself.

    The relief is amazing.

    Even so, If you are not yet married to the person, don’t bother, just leave. There’s nothing worse than going crazy slowly because your values are not appreciated by your partner.

    I’ve read about people that got divorced after 20 years of marriage because the waiter partner finally couldn’t take it anymore. That’s right, after 20 years!

    Don’t compromise on your values. You’ll hate yourself and make life hell for your partner as well. You both deserve better.

  27. from a former foolish girl says:

    I had sex with about eight different guys starting at the age of 14 until about age 21 with several relationships, etc. throughout. I was raised in a christian home and knew that it was wrong, but acted foolishly. My father was not very involved in my life after I became a teenager. I am not blaming him for my actions, I just say that to explain that I think I could have been stronger if my dad showed me affection and talked with me more… I believe these choices started because I was looking for love and acceptance.

    I came to faith in Christ and a personal relationship with Him when I was 21 and was single for seven years wondering if God would ever bring a man that would truly love me for who He was transforming me to be. He did! I am now 39 and have been married for almost ten years. I married a “virgin”, but through honest conversations starting while were dating, we discovered that we both sexually struggled in the past. My husband said that he had a lot of issues in his heart and mind that God had to help him with even though he had never slept with a woman.

    My commitment to my husband I believe speaks volumes to him as his does to me. It is what love is… all in what you show and do day after day. I have been faithful to my husband. What is difficult for me is the temptation to put my guilt back upon myself and not walk in the freedom and joy that there is in Christ’s forgiveness. Those boys/men in my past did not commit to me. My husband does not feel cheated and loves me very much. He shows it.

    My husband and I have struggled with our intimacy, but God has used this to humble us and help us to see our need of Him. God is transforming us. We are more and more in love as the days go by. We have three children and they are a blessing. It blows me away how good God is!

    All of us are messed up! Some of us have sinned in so many other ways than what I have highlighted in my life. We may classify sins and segregate ourselves (“waiters” / “non-waiters”), but “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. It is a blessing to have the grace to resist temptation to not touch and have sexual relations before marriage. Pray that God helps you to remain strong. If you commit your way to Him, he will lead you in the right direction with a future spouse and can sustain and can make beautiful marriages from ugly pasts. God is working in a myriad of ways. Trust in Christ. He came to redeem. Our marriages can be a picture of his redemption!

  28. Claire says:

    Hey everyone, so i’ve gone through and read all the comments. I just wanted to share a bit of my story. And offer a side that is not expressed so much.
    I was not raised in a christian home, however i became a christian at 4 years old, and i always had good morals and knew right from wrong from a young age.
    One thing i will say is i am a hopeless romantic, through and through, i want a man who will sweep me off my feet, and protect me and fight for me, and love me just for me.
    I bought a purity ring and made the decision to wait till marriage, at about 15 years of age, although i had done a couple silly physical things with a boy i dated when i was 13, i had made a commitment and i was going to stick to it. In that time i had always like and actually loved, this boy i knew from when i was a little kid. I was in love with him for about 7 years before we actually became boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked my mum for permission to date me, and me being a hopeless romantic, it made me love him even more. I really loved him and i had often sat and talked with god about him, before we dated, and i said Im superman and he is my cryptonite, he is the one for me, i dont want anyone else, hes the one.

    Little did i realize how wrong i was, and how to late it would be. I dated this boy for 1 year and a half, from just before my 18th birthday and I am now 19 years of age. This boy didn’t just break my heart, he shattered it. I gave this boy everything. We didn’t have sex all the way, but we did enough that i don’t consider myself a virgin anymore. I thought i knew everything, going into that relationship, i didnt understand how strong the flesh can be, and i was foolish. At the beginning of our relationship he pressured me to go so much further than i wanted, and forced me to do things, but we had worked through that and he apologised and i forgave him. But after that i felt so dirty and unclean, that i just lost all the respect i had for myself. I cryed myself to sleep, cause i thought theres no way god can love me now. That was one of the hardest things to deal with. But this boy loved me, and i loved him and i foolishly believed it was going to be ok cause we were together for the long haul and one day i would marry this boy. I never let the physical things we did go all the way, i could never give it all, but i gave so much that i cannot be considered a virgin, i wish i could, but i cant.

    To make it a little bit more painful. He broke up with me, and then four days later slept with one of my friends, and i had to pick that exact day to go to his house, to collect some of my stuff that was left there. To wait for him to get dressed to come and answer his door, and see her there. The pain I felt, compares to nothing i’ve ever gone through, and i’ve had some horrible things happen to me. It hurt so much to know that the boy i was in love with for 8 and half years, could do that only 4 days after we broke up. I was still coming to terms with the break up, but to do that, the boy that stood in front of me, made me sick to my stomach. He made sure i was in the most pain i have ever been in. He shattered my idea of a “prince” my “fairytale guy”.

    Words cannot describe how painful it is to realize that i gave my most precious gift to a boy who threw it away. Like it didnt matter. I am so grateful that god has the grace to forgive me, although i don’t believe i deserve it. And One day i will have to stand in front of my future husband and tell him, that i did that, and words cannot begin to describe, how much pain it has caused me to say it to him. The last thing i wanted was to hurt the guy Im going to be with, and i just hope he will still want me after i tell him. I understand how much it will hurt him, if he’s saved himself, for me. I understand like many of the people have said above, how much it hurts you and bothers you that your partner has done stuff with someone else. But from someone, who had every intention of waiting till marriage, i have never regretted anything more in my entire life, I try find the strength to forgive myself everyday. I wished i never had to learn this way. I hope this serves as a warning to other “waiters”. Dont make the same mistake i did, your flesh is so much more powerful that you know. You have every right to have and be with someone who has waited too, but don’t judge someone because they made the mistake like i did, we are all human and have all sinned, and are all flawed. This was not intended to offend anyone, i just wanted to offer a brutally honest side of the “non-waiter”. God Bless Claire.

  29. Olivier says:

    Hi Claire,

    Thank you for that story!

    I just want to clarify something for you and others here.

    The definition of a “waiter” is someone who is waiting until marriage, whether virgin or non-virgin. If you’ve decided to wait, that makes you a “waiter” and part of this community :-).

    We have people on the forums who are not virgins but who have decided to wait, that makes them waiters. We are very accepting here and we don’t judge.

    If you want to join the forums, please feel free to do so :-). Thanks again for having the courage to share your story.

  30. Sam says:

    Very interesting comments. I respect people that can wait for both genders, but let’s just say I have a pretty large group of close relatives (married & single)and we talk a lot, and in terms of our experiences and virginity, men and women are completely opposite.

    Men get better with experience because of the anatomy of the man and the ability to last longer. Women on the other hand, gets worse, particularly if they have slept around a lot, and it they become very difficult to please. I remember reading a few years ago about a hormone that women produce oxy something, that is produced in limited amount (just like the ova) in the lifespan of a woman and that when she has sex she passes that hormone. So eventually when she wants to marry if she has wasted her hormone in others, the relationship most likely will not last as long, and the sex interest will diminish very quickly. Also, women are just harder to please and the anatomy is different. Stretching is a factor that can not be denied, meanwhile pleasing a guy in bed is much easier since most men are usually into sex.

    Also most women can live with little sex, but most men will go crazy. Now sex and love are two different items. I believe women can really love a man with little sexual attraction or interest and be okay about it, but most men can not do that. We know several women that when younger were very active sexually but once they married shortly after they did not want anything to do with sex, they always put excuses, headaches, and there was simply nothing else that the new husbands could offer in bed and that killed the marriage little by little, the man eventually cheated and at the end everybody was miserable, or as one of my cousins put it – “irreconcilable differences”. My suggestion for a man is that even if you can not marry a virgin, marry somebody with less experience, and for a woman to marry somebody with more experience(to get the man’s horn-dog out of his system!) so the man does not cheat later on.

    Also to be honest from the start, becasue as somebody mentioned, if a guy learns that the wife/gf is not the angel that he thought she was later on, he will lose respect about her, and will feel cheated. And believe me, guys will learn, becasue other guys love to talk about their conquests, and there is nothing worse than to learn that your woman slept with another man in the past (even if it was before your time)when that other man tells you about it and ridicules you about it. That will mess you in the head and will kill your pride and that relationship with that woman, believe me I leaned this the hard way.

  31. Cesario says:

    Well, I must say thank you very much for this heartfelt explanation. I was looking for answer for quite a while now for I have found the girl of my dreams rather early in life (My age being a ripe young 17). My Dear is inexperienced and wonderful and has the same plans as I do for the future, we both want someone for the rest of our life to avoid that settling nonsense when you’re much older. However she was rather depressed before me and before I saved her from herself she was hanging onto a friendship with a rather undesirable guy. Me, having been cheated on in the past, felt so strange when those feelings started to arise as I realized more and more the reality of the situation, of the act of her having sex with this guy. Though she did this two years prior to even knowing I existed, I was bothered, regardless of the extremely awful job he performed (fully clothed, slipping out and around and finishing so early she might as well have fingered herself, mind my racy commentary). This settled for a while but it bothered me to no end up until I read this article. I’ve been completely honest with her and we never fight about anything, this understanding led to my explaining to her what was wrong and her accepting and affirming that though she doesn’t have a current solution and that the best thing would be to just wait until she came home (she’s been gone due to a parent divorce) which I’d understand as an easy solution, as you’ve stated in your article, the more sex the further the past. But I still have 2 months until she returns and it’s been a long, dry year. I went up there recently last spring break but I found it rude to outright destroy her next to her father’s bedroom and the light foreplay we shared was enough to satisfy my curiosity of things (I discovered how intact she is, and to my luck she popped her own cherry thinking of me). I know this seems like a lot of information to share but to share it means I’ve accepted it much further. The only reason your article helped though was because the logic part of my brain kicked and realized this is a path to destructing all that I created with her. Consider survival instincts, but this relationships perpetual and my tired mind misses her more than anything so to hurt her in anyway and make her regret more her actions that were completely against her character and were out of most likely boredom and infatuation would destroy me internally. Now, I’m not saying this is a day or a couple days recovery, but you woke me up to the reality I’m living in and its what I’ve always wanted, perfection not being whether she’s intact or not, but perfection being both of us happy. Thank you very much for helping to ensure the security of my sure to be long term relationship. Consolation and payment so you may know you’ve affected at least one life with the article you’ve written. I couldn’t thank you anymore, in fact, I’m going to explain this to her in a couple minutes and she’ll be happy to know everything’s good to go. Thank you very much. Have a wonderful life.

  32. Cesario says:

    Oh, and after I have her read this article to me and this comments, I hope you don’t mind me putting this here;

    I love you Ophelia. Very much. :J

  33. noelle says:

    sam, no offense, but as a student of genetics, your advice sucks.

    women are not on average less horny; men might only think so because our arousal is not so visible. i can fantasize almost anywhere or at any time without the embarrassment of an erection — but trust you me, girls are raging with hormones, too. if it wasn’t for the fact that we are aware of the consequences promiscuity has us, being the sex burdened with more responsibility in the reproductive process, we would be just as promiscuous as men. don’t believe me? check out chimps and bonobos — they share 99% of our DNA and are bound only by instinct.

    also, what you said about oxytocin is simply untrue. it is a hormone produced by men and women alike that promotes bonding and feelings of happiness, not a small collective resource used by women in reproduction. i can’t speak for oxytocin alone, but reproductive/associated hormones only differ between the sexes largely in the time that they peak. in males, it is early and production decreases over time, whereas a female peaks around 30 and decreases from there. the idea that a man can screw the horniness out of him in his early years is false. if anything, it just makes him more accustomed to a promiscuous lifestyle. being promiscuous increases production in androgens like testosterone, making him more prone to risky sex behaviors. thus it will only make it harder for him to be monogamous later if his constitution is not strong.

    monogamy does not complement our sexual dimorphism — if we feed our naturally poly-amorous instincts, it only widens the gap between us and makes it harder to be together. and if anyone thinks that it’s a damned travesty for males to have to experience anything but raging testosterone, go be a bonobo. humans have bigger things to worry about than their genitals.

    i’m tired of people dismissing the issue with a “boys will be boys” attitude. one of the greatest benefits of monogamy is that we don’t invest half our lives having fruitless sex. wasting time. because of it, we can be emotionally, sexually, and spiritually satisfied enough to tackle the bigger questions of life. and as a waiter, i don’t appreciate anyone saying it’s in my best interest to find a non-waiter guy. that’s not what we want, and it only makes things more difficult
    (for most).

  34. Mike says:

    @Noelle – That was awesome. Please join the forums and hang out so I can nag your about writing an article or two. You’ve practically already written one. I think you could make some really meaningful contributions to this site.

  35. noelle says:

    i decided to do just that, mike. i’m still coming to terms with my decision…i’m young, 18. but i want to be a part of this community and help give people like us a chance. let them know we have all the right reasons and that we do, in fact, exist.

    unlike most of the people here, i don’t think it’s just a personal choice. it’s a damned good one more people should make.

  36. Myself says:

    i am virgin and waiting for my other half……..:)

  37. ObscuredBeyond says:

    I totally understand your sentiment, Dani. You don’t like being told you have to settle for a Big Mac when you ordered a filet mignon. Some of us have to set a high standard and remind the rest of us that yes, we were meant for better than this.

    I don’t believe I could ever be the one to do that. And it’s not because I’ll take any old thing that comes my way. But when I do find a treasure that some jerk threw out like trash, and then I can polish her up and make her like new again, it’s his loss. So she’s a little used. Too bad. I found her, she found me; and together, we overcame the odds. So when life wants to screw either one of us, it knows where and what it can kiss.

    I’ve gotten really good at scouting gems that get thrown out, and separating them from the trash that belongs in trash heaps. Only thing is, I seem to be better at finding and polishing the gems fit for someone else, and playing matchmaker, rather than finding one for myself.

    Just as well. My aunt always used to warn me that my “hero complex” would mess up my dating life. In a way, she was sort of right.

  38. Anonymous says:

    I am in a relationship but have fallen for another guy. I slept with my partner out of a desire to rebuild our relationship but regretted it immediately. I fessed up to the other guy and told him that I regret doing so. I am a non-waiter but this guy whom I love is a waiter. I feel so anguished about it and after reading everyone’s comments here I feel terrible about what I have done and about confessing it as well. I don’t know what he is going thru right now. I have contacted him but he has not replied (this is not normal for him). I am also seriously thinking of ending the original relationship but in the meantime, I am so worried this other guy will leave me out of jealousy and hate. What should I do? Pls, no haters I am already very upset about this and am beating myself up for what I have done.

  39. Waiter with the weight of the world on her shoulders... says:

    First of all, I just want to say that it is so nice to see that there are waiters out there like me and that one of the seven deadly sins isn’t sweeping the whole world’s population off its feet just yet!

    I would really like to share my story here. I am 26 years old and got married seven months ago. We had an arranged marriage and I was convinced that I was marrying my Mr. Right. I asked him several times if he ever had a serious physical affair with anyone and he repeatedly vehemently said no. There was some girl who he said was after him but he never paid any attention to her. Or so he claimed.

    After we got married, that girl would regularly call and text my husband. It never really bothered me and he even asked me once if it bothered me and I said “I trust your judgement completely. It will only bother me if it bothers you”. Then, she started texting in the middle of the night and one day I saw her text and it was quite obscene. When I confronted my husband, he said I was making a big deal out of nothing and simply left for work the next day. When I continued hounding him over messaging, he finally admitted that they had been in a FOUR YEAR LONG PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. He said that he was putting up with her messages only because she kept threatening to reveal the truth. I was completely shattered. I picked up my bag and walked out of the house immediately and came to my mother’s house (we live in different cities).

    I used to wonder how our sex life was so one-sided, how it was always me who was so fascinated, curious and interested in sex. Now I know – cuz he was never a waiter!!!

    I’ve been at my mom’s place for two weeks now and refuse to speak with my husband over the phone. I’ve told only my parents and they are furious with him as well, as we come from a very religious background, where premarital sex is a BIG deal. He keeps texting me that he’s sorry and that he loves me and that it was all his past but somehow, I still can’t come to terms with what has happened. I even feel at times that he may have cheated on me while we were married, though he denies it but how can I possibly trust a single word he says anymore?

    She’s touched him everywhere that I’ve touched him. He’s touched her everywhere that he’s touched me. These two thoughts keeps racking my brains day and night and makes the very thought of getting back with him, or even having sex with him ever again so revolting. What’s worse is that he says he was never attracted to her, he was repulsed by her and that the sex with her meant nothing! How can anyone throw away their virginity to someone they don’t even like?!?!? THE VERY THOUGHT IS SCARY! So if, while we are married, if he actually sees a girl a that he IS attracted to, he’ll probably jump into bed with her in a jiffy!

    It’s easy to say that he hasn’t betrayed me per se, because he never knew me back then but the fact is that even I never knew him all the while that I turned down the numerous guys who wanted to get physical with me because I was saving myself for my husband and somehow, don’t feel its illogical or expecting a lot to hope for a co-waiter husband. I never even touched or kissed a guy for 25 years of my life, hoping that I would get that one man who defied the long held ‘All men are bas*****’ theory. But I was wrong. I just feel so betrayed, more so by the fact that he waited to tell me the truth till she threatened to disclose it herself.

    I am just so angry with him right now that I feel it was pointless waiting all this while. I feel like going and having sex with whichever random guy I meet just to make him realise how I feel! My mind is clogged to such an extent by anger that I can’t think of a single happy memory with him. He comes from a very modest middle class joint family and lives in a small house, whereas I come from a high class nuclear family. However, I still happily adjusted with all of his family and day to day routines (though they were very different from the ones followed in my house) for his sake. I thought all this doesn’t matter as long as it makes the man I love happy. But now, I don’t even feel like going and living that compromised life because I don’t feel my husband deserves any of my sacrifices, or even me anymore. I am so irritated and am honestly contemplating a divorce now. Please help!

  40. missmenot says:

    i’m 22. i waited but my boyfriend didn’t. it hurts so much at first but it gets better when you don’t think about it. added emotional investment to compensate for their inability to give you all of themselves does make sense. i’ll try to work on that so that our relationship will improve. i love him so much and sometimes when we fight i don’t want to give in because i feel that he should give in to me since his past has hurt me so much and i’m still in the midst of accepting it.

  41. Extraordinary Girl says:

    Hey, waiters… I would just advise you to not make the non-waiting party completely miserable and dangle your “purity” over their heads for as long as possible. That is how my now ex-fiance ruined our relationship. I told him right up front that I was not a virgin and had been with 3 other guys during a very tumultuous time in my life. He proceeded to be a complete and total jerkwad about it for months, making me miserable, berating me, treating me like crap, etc., until I couldn’t take his crap anymore and broke up with him. If not waiting is truly a deal breaker for you, break up with the person and spare yourselves a lot of heart break. If it is something you can get beyond, don’t spend too much time dwelling on the self-righteous feelings you have. If you truly care about the non-waiter, you will not belittle them for bad decisions that they made before they even met you.

  42. Extraordinary Girl says:

    And oh my God, leave your high and mighty attitudes at the door. To the person saying the thought of losing your virginity to someone you don’t care about is crazy… no, it’s not. A lot of girls get manipulated into having sex as teens. Some girls are raped and that is how they lose it (which does terrible things to their self-esteem). Guys face all sorts of pressure, and most are just not able to stand up to it. There are a MYRIAD of reasons for why people have sex before marriage, not just because they’re selfish pigs who can’t wait for sex, which is what a lot of you seem to be assuming.

  43. Alex says:

    Now in Seaflo’s case, his girlfriend committed adultery and she didn’t really try to build up the relationship. So Seaflo, dont get down in the dumps. Stay true to God and he will lead you to the girl of your dreams.

  44. Alex says:

    In my case, I am still a virgin and I am dedicated to wait for my wife. Im not to big o finding a virgin, although it will be nice. Even if my wife had a lot of men in her past, I will have to forgive because God has forgiven me. If she repents and wants to wait with me, than that’s good enough. As long as she does not have an STD lol.

  45. P says:

    I m in relationship with my fiance for 2 and half year and i love him very much and he also loves me very much cares for me alot but before a week he told me about his past and n now i feel really bad whn i think about tht… But i dont want him to get hurt by knowing what i feel.. I still love him very much but i cant get all this things out of my mind and when i see him that thought comes in my mind automatically.. I dont know what i should do.. But i cant live without him.. He is my life.. What should i do?????

  46. Hanni says:

    Good read, dont know where to start

  47. Breanna says:

    I dont care about the past i saved myself my virginity and i was always told not to give it up unless you are truly in love with someone i met my boyfriend and i was in love with him and then i come to find out he slept with 2 girls he said his 8 month relationship didnt matter to him he didnt like her and she was ugly and he dated her to just have a girlfriend then he dates the school slut for a month and sleeps with her and then i find out she cheated on him and he was “heart broken” now he denies that he was. I cant get over the fact that he slept with 2 other girls i imagine him with those girls i saved myself to him why is it he didnt save himself for me?

  48. Breanna says:

    oh and to add on to what i was saying 2 years before i met my boyfriend i was so confident i didnt care if i had sex with someone who wasnt a virgin (keep in mind i was a virgin) and when me and my boyfriend started dating i got really insecure and compared myself to his exs and his family always talks about them so it makes me think they dont like me as much and me and my boyfriend love eachother so much we have been together for 1 and a half and its been the best year but he has no worries he doesnt have to compare himself to anyone i have to worry if he had better sex with other girls and if there body is better then mine and how oral was with other girls, when i met my boyfriend i had not done anything and i know he did oral with other girls and it crushed me because if we broke up would he remember me? i wasnt his first. i know i need to get over it but its so hard when i see his ex everyday and braggs about sleeping with him and text him all the time.

  49. LORETTA MENSAH says:


  50. TJam says:

    Hey Mike

    I am in need of some help. I am in a relationship (recently got engaged) and I love my fiance. She is the light of my life and I know that she is my soulmate. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, and I know God has shown me that she is the one. Both of us have a sexual history with other partners, but mine was definitely worse. I have always wanted to be happily married to one woman and one woman only for my whole life. However, most of my past relationships were very brief. Due to this, I was naive in the area of long term relationships and it has caused me to hurt my fiance in many ways.

    I was at first very open about my past, in fact too open to the point where she became angry with me. Because of this when confronted with women I knew and questioned about my past with them, I lied or tried to brush it off because I knew it would upset her, which was obviously a horrible and wrong thing to do. I can’t fully explain why I did it, I feel that I had been a liar in the past so unfortunately my knee jerk reaction in pressure situations was to do just that.

    As well, in our early days of dating I shared with her that I had watched pornography while we were dating. This is something that I had struggled with since my teenage years. I had always wanted it out of my life, but could never seem to do it. When I told her about it she explained to me that to her, it is no different than cheating and I agree with her. Because of her I no longer watch pornography.

    As well, one of my ex’s is of a different race. This has given my fiance lots of doubt in that she is even the “type” of woman I want. I try to reassure her that even though I was attracted to a woman of a different race at one point it does not mean I have some sort of preference to a certain race of person. It is still hard for her to believe this because she is attracted only to men of my race.

    Early in our relationship I still had a facebook account. I am part of a network marketing company, so I try to keep open ties to people in case of possible business in the future. I had also lied to my fiance about going to coffee’s with other girls because I thought it would upset her, which again I know was wrong. I have had my facebook account deactive for the past 6 months and I reactivated it today to remove everything from my pages and permanently delete it. When I did this, she viewed my wall on her phone and became upset about women writing on it from before I had deactivated it, but while we were still dating. That is why I am writing you now because we just had one of our biggest fights about that.

    I feel like such a horrible person because of all of these problems. Because of my horrible decisions in the past and early in our relationship I cause the woman I love most in this world a lot of pain.

    I’m not asking for sympathy or a message talking about what we both can change. I am the one who wronged her, and I need to know what I can do to show her that I love her more than anything on earth, I would do anything for her, and no woman in my past, present, or future will ever, ever change that. I know the main reason I am still hurting her is because I broke her trust. I know this may take years or even a lifetime to restore, but I am willing to go through all of that for her.

    If you can offer any guidance (scripture to read) it would be most appreciated.

    Thank you

  51. Rob says:

    Two years ago I came across a list hidden in a drawer (I was putting something away, not snooping) of all the men that my then girlfriend has been with. First and last name with a date that they first had sex. I wanted to die right then and there. To make it worse her list is SIGNIFICANTLY larger than mine. She had a 2 year old when I met her so I’m no prude in thinking she’s never had sex before. We can’t talk about it without fighting so I stupidly put it behind me and TRIED to forget about it. Weve been married for 11 months and there’s not a day since I found that list that I haven’t thought about it. Eats me alive on the inside. Everyone says “get over it!” Believe me, I want to, but I’m not willing to compromise my values and morals like that. It’ll cause us to divorce before long. Please help!!!

  52. Neo Anderson says:

    Mike, you have written excellently and every perspective of yours is helpful. I would love to read more from you. Keep writing.

  53. John says:


    I read this article with great interest even though my situation is not very similar (yet able to be related).

    I am not a virgin and have been with a few girls. My girlfriend, who I care for deeply, has only been with one man. Her ex-husband (who I have never met, but all of our mutual friends know). She was married early and she says it was because she was young and naive and just wanted a boyfriend/husband. He took her virginity.

    I understand that many people will think of me as a hypocrite, but the girls I have been with meant nothing to me and I am somewhat ashamed of my actions, while my girlfriend means the world to me. She says that she did not have the feelings she has for me with her husband (even though, yes obviously, she had used the love word with him when they were together – obviously not anymore). It kills me since I have never used that word with a girl until my girlfriend. It felt like a certain type of virginity in itself. I feel all of the emotions written in this article. Neither of us were virgins (and even though I have been with more partners, she has definitely had sex more than I have). I can imagine that many times she was having sex it was from passionate love (while for me it never was that). It kills me because I imagine it. (I am definitely thinking about seeing a therapist).

    We have talked about marriage – which freaks me out on a whole different level because I am having these feelings that I am talking about and I imagine that you are not supposed to have these feelings when you want to commit to someone like that)

    She is so attached to me emotionally (more than I, just because I keep my distance just a little because these bad emotions scare me). But I have basically promised to marry her, which scares me. I don’t want to break her heart. However, just the thought of not being with her and seeing her with another man makes me have a heart attack.

    Please help me make sense of it! 🙁

  54. Jim says:

    If you are in pain from any experience similar to the ones you read here, I can tell you that with time and help you can feel better. It’s up to you now because the past can’t be changed. My wife and I were waiters. 12 years into our marriage, she told me that she wasn’t a virgin when we met. My heart exploded and I actually went dark for a few seconds and almost passed out. I made the mistake of asking for all of the details too. Ultimately, this experience has made me a better person. It was very, very tough on me and I struggled mightily. I still struggle occasionally. I’m not a churchy person, but I lean a lot on the parable of the debtor and also Jesus’s interaction with the adulterer. I encourage you to read about both of those. We are all quick to forget how quickly we are forgiven by others. If you are in pain, please remember the most important ingredient to feeling better: You must give up the right to punish your spouse/gf/bf for their sexual mistakes – whether it be talking about it, letting them see you upset about it, or just letting bitterness fester. Also, fully forgiving another for something that hurt you very deeply puts you in a great spot for being forgiven by God, which is a good feeling. Furthermore, you aren’t perfect. You may have heard that not forgiving and forgetting is the greater sin. I now know this to be true, because my pain has been much greater than my wife’s. She came to realize her mistakes and moved past them to forgiveness. I let it fester, and not being quick to forgive and forget almost destroyed me. Its not your job to determine if she has suffered enough to be forgiven. Finally, this experience has made me less judgmental, and made me a more effective person in helping others with their challenges. As cheesy as it sounds, in many ways I am grateful that my heart exploded that day. I am a much better person because of it.

  55. i says:

    “truth is everyone is going to hurt you, the challenge is finding the ones worth being hurt for”
    rastaman bob marley

  56. sussana says:

    I have been married for 32years and we now have 2 wonderful children who are now in their teens. Before we got married, we dated for 10 years because I was in Europe whilst he went to Africa for a year. I later joined in in Africa (where we both grew up and we have family ties)and we continued to see each other. We then got married. The first 10 years of my marriage was very rocky as my husband cheated on me with several women. When we spoke about it he would deny it. When we relocated to Europe from Africa he changed but it was not sudden I discovered he had relationships here and there which did not last for a long time. What surprises me though is that he wants me to tell him about my past sexual experiences with men before we got married and he says it turns him on. If I ask him about his sexual experiences he tells me too and explains everything in detail. Could you please tell me what this means. Is it a normal thing for a man to get turned on because of my past sexual experiences. I find this weird please help.

  57. S says:

    Its damn difficult to take things out of your head……….I have tried my best……everytime I think the times my husband spent with his girlfriend even when I was not there…… my heart sinks……….God help me please………help me

  58. KNIGHT09 says:

    I always wanted to be one woman’s man. Lots of girls proposed me, even for sex but somehow i belive in ONE-LOVE and My frnds respect me for that.
    But i think too much. I speculate, if i get any NON-WAITER, i will just…huh! Its too hard to explain.

    Btw, i found this post LESS painful than others on internet.

    All videos on youtube regarding VIRGINITY THOUGHTS are so immoral. I mean how can you not bother about one’s virginity with whome you gonna have your 1st time…it sucks

    I recently found that this world has no value for virginity things…it hurts me and makes me angry. I sometime feels like turning to a ‘playboy’ so that i can emotionaly hurt that type of girls…but then i think, i should wait untill i get my 1st love.

    I dont know why i wrote this much, but i just wanted to let it out, and i did.

  59. Jonathan says:

    Wow this is by far the best article I’ve read…I’ve gone through all these phases sadly…I met the perfect girl…shes the nicest sweetest girl you could ever meet..and she’s stunningly beautiful…but..there’s that one the waiter and she’s not…she lost it to a guy who she though shed marry..they were together for 9 months…they only did it 3 times and has done everything else as well..although the pain is lessening..its still there…its going to be our 6 months soon and we talked about it and I want to lose it to her to help myself and our relationship…she was fine with this because she says I’m the one for her..that she’s knows I’d make a great husband and father…and I feel that she too would be a great mother and wife.. We’ve already planned our life together and it isn’t the typical highschool sweetheart dream…I’d say we’re both pretty intelligent and can see that what we have isnt like everyone else’s…even though she’s made some indirect comments about being ashamed she’s never actually directly said it..should I ask her? And am I right thinking the pain will lessen once we make love? Not just for lust…but because we both love each other…dearly..and I really believe without a doubt in my mind that I want to marry this girl.. Please and thank you to any commenters or/and responders

  60. Mike says:


    I’ve been in your situation before, almost exactly. I tortured myself over the fact that my girlfriend had been with one guy less than 5 times who she loved dearly.

    Let me tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself: Having sex 3 times with one guy is nothing —- NOTHING. By the standards of every other girl in existence, she is practically a virgin too. You’re splitting hairs over the sexual history she DOES have when you should be thanking your lucky stars that this wonderful girl ONLY has this tiny, morally-sound blip of history. There’s still so much left to be special between you (if you can win and keep her heart, which it sounds like you have).

    Of course, that’s probably difficult for you to accept. You’re probably still too hung up on mental pictures. Since you don’t know details, you’re filling in the gaps with everything you fear. Stop doing that. If she’s only had sex 3 times, those 3 times probably weren’t anything crazy. It was probably pretty basic stuff that will be quickly dwarfed by all the stuff you’re going to do once you’re married. There’s LOTS of room for you to improve on.

    Look. LOOK at what you have in front of you right now. The past is gone, and it’s really not that bad. It’s even better that she did it with somebody she loved. That means you don’t have to worry about her going out and cheating or anything like that. For her, sex requires love. That is more than 90% of the population will say. You have found a gem.

    Again, look at what you have. Every time you guilt her over the past it pushes her away from you.

    Here’s the solution: Even if it rips you up inside, never let her see a hint of it. To her, you are supercool, you are mature, you empathize with where she was coming from back then, and you know it can’t be changed. Don’t let her feel guilty about it; not for a second. Reassure her and wave it off like it’s not a big deal to you. Tell her that it doesn’t matter. Tell her not to give it a second thought. Tell her you love her now and you’re looking forward to all the great times you’re going to have together and that’s all that matters.

    Make her be in AWE of how cool and accepting you are about it. Make HER accept it for herself. And don’t just do it for her. Do it for yourself.

    Because here’s your real motivation: You don’t want her thinking about him. You don’t want her thinking back on those moments with her ex at all, even if just to defend or damn them. You want her to ignore those memories, and focus on you and focus on now. Because the more she focuses on you and how awesome you are, the more those old memories of her ex will fade and matter even less.

    When you bring up her past, it makes her think about her past, and that strengthens the memory for her. You don’t want those memories to be stronger. You want those memories to fade and die of neglect because you’ve given her something new and more shiny to think about (you, here, now, the future).

    The “have sex to feel better about it” plan would work OK, but then you’d probably start questioning how many positions, etc. And don’t pretend it will be easy to just suddenly stop once you start. If you want to have sex, do it. If you want to wait till marriage, do that. But I caution you against deciding to have sex simply to kill the pain of the past. That’s not a good reason.

    Also, you might as well tell her you’re a virgin if you haven’t already. But again, downplay it. You can jokingly say “So you’ll be my first and I hope you can be a little patient!” Don’t make her feel guilty, don’t use the word “only” because then she will think back on her own past, and that will keep the past alive.

    And if it’s too late and you’ve already guilt-tripped her to hell over all this, then you can still have a “sudden moment of clarity” and start working on the new, better attitude right now. You can still save it.

    Don’t know if any of that helped. But good luck!


  61. vie says:

    I felt so alone until I came across your site. Thanks Mike!

    So I’m a virgin waiting til marriage and I’ve tried getting over all of this on my own because after all, it’s really my problem and not my boyfriend’s (non-waiter) problem. The thing with that is I always felt so alone because he could never acknowledge how I felt. It made me feel a bit better after telling him how I was feeling.

    I guess the only way for me to really get over all this is if he shows me that he really cares. Are there any non-waiter guys out there who can share their stories of how they helped their waiter girlfriends get over this? After all, I really do think it takes effort from both people to work through all this together… That’ll really help.

  62. Rebecca says:

    Dear Mike,

    Oh my I don’t know where to begin. Well first let me start off by saying it was both a relief and a comfort reading your article. I have felt very alone in my beliefs on waiting to have sex not really just for marriage my belief is more waiting for the right someone you truly love and truly loves you in return. I feel like no one places any value on sex anymore and that  sex and love are somehow two totally separate things. I take such issue with that. people saying oh it’s just sex its no big deal. But it is and when did it stop being a big deal? If it wasn’t it wouldn’t  have the power it has over people and have such an effect on the world. Sex can be wonderful and make you feel loved and wanted and closer and connted to the person your with. Sex can can make you feel just the opposite you can feel used and dirty and worthless and more alone. Sex can be used as a tool to control  and destroy.Sex can create life and form family’s. Sex can spread disease and and cause death. Sex is anything but no big deal. I believe people’s view on sex and marriage in this day in age is the cause of the crazy divorce rate. I could go on and on about it lol but I think I am just preaching to the choir here. Anyway my real reason for writing on this blog is to reach out for some advice.  I am married to the man of my dreams and I love him in every way. Buuuttt …. I have a growing resentment towards him about his past. He knows somewhat about how I feel about it. We talked more about it when we where dating. And had a few pretty bad fights over it i defiantly drew some blood. Our arguments mostly ended with him shutting me down by saying I have no right for being mad at things in the past that he cant change.That really its none of my business what has happened in his past because he didn’t know me then. He has also said he understands that I don’t have to like it or agree with it but I have no right to be mad at him or judge him.  And I agreed with all of his points and said to myself to let it go there is so much more to this man than his past there is so much that I love about him that I can look beyond my issues over it and stop being selfish. And beating him over the head with things he has no power to change.  So it got better I thought it was behind me. We now have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful baby girl. But it still eats away at me almost every day I cant stop obsessing over it. I want to talk to him about but I can never bring myself to do it. I don’t want to push him away. And it’s been at least 2 years since we have talked at all about it. And I know he can tell there is something bothering me because when it’s really bad and I have been dwelling on it he can see it on my face  he will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll just tell him nothing. And he knows I am lying but I just can form the words to say. Its so painful at times it brings me to tears and I am speechless. I even get uncomfortable when where watching a movie together and there is a sex scene I have to leave the room sometimes so he won’t notice that I am upset. I feel crazy and very depressed over it at times. The pain is so great sometimes I wish I never meet him and feel in love with him. And I know that’s horrible and very wrong to say and I made the choice to marry him knowing full well of what I was getting myself into. I feel like I can’t live with him and I would just die without him. HLEP! I thought about showing him your  article because you really pegged it how I feel about the whole thing. But his argument is I have no right to have those feelings because what he has done in the past is in the past it wasn’t towards me in any way how could it be he didn’t even know me then.

  63. Rebecca says:

    I forgot to add that my husbands sexualpast has been pretty extensive he has been with many many women.I think that’s what makes it so hard for me to get over.

  64. L says:

    For those virgins out there who are thinking about having sex with your partner for the sake of “evening out the playing field” I would highly advise against it. Remember your reasons and conviction for abstaining in the first place. Giving your virginity is a one-time deal and you’ll have to live with the consequences if you didn’t really think it through. The guilt you feel the day after is not worth it, no matter how much it “felt right” during the moment. You’ll end up feeling guilty, upset, horrible and then you’ll get angry at your partner, too (even though – assuming – everything was consensual). If you feel really bad the next day but they feel great, you’ve just put yourself in a horrible position. You don’t want to hurt their feelings but at the same time, you really don’t want to do it anymore – it gets difficult to say “no.” If you force yourself to do it for their sake, to make them happy, sex will have lost its meaning and you’ll have greatly derailed from your initial conviction. Would you be able to admit that to yourself and be able to live with yourself because of that? Also, if the relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll be dating again…and what if you find another virgin? You’d be putting them through the same exact hell that you’re going through right now. Would you be willing to risk that chance of inadvertently hurting your future spouse? There’s no sealed deal until the exchange of “I Do.” Seriously people – really, really think it over.

  65. Jonathan says:

    Thank you Mike! Believe it or not your response has been a big help! I could already feel the weight dissipating from my shoulders!:) I can now go on with a clearer, more educated conscience, thanks to you! I will take your advise and use it wisely. As long as I am not too nonchalant for her to think I do not care for her.>.< But I understandthe point, and for that, I thank you.

  66. Jen says:

    This website is so wonderful. In my circle of friends I thought I was the last waiter I knew. It’s good to know others exist. Someone made a comment asking how the experience of waiters is after marriage so I thought I’d share. I was a virgin until I married my husband when we were both in our twenties. He was not a waiter but was not entirely open about his sexual past. I was naive and in love at the time so when he confessed his past of being with another woman I kind of skimmed over it and moved on. Now more than two years into the marriage I discovered that he cheated during our engagement, he simply wasn’t able to wait. My lack of “experience” put a strain early on in our marriage. I felt insecure and inadequate while he felt frustrated. I say all this as a word of caution to those who are waiting but take lightly the fact that their significant others haven’t waited. Talk It over seriously. Consider the emotions discussed here but don’t let your love pressure you into making a commitment that you may regret in the future.

  67. Stephen says:

    I’m so happy that I found this website, I’m going through this with my current girlfriend right now. The thing that really bugs me is the fact that she had random hookups, to be honest if it was sex within the confines of a relationship I would have no problem. She claims she did it because she was lonely. I frankly I do not believe her.

  68. Jen says:

    It is such a relief to meet people who are dealing with the same problem I am dealing with. My boyfrend and I have been dating for three years now and it was two years ago that he confessed to me he was not a virgin. I was devastated and struggled with his past for a really long time. In fact, I am still struggling with it. I almost feel as if all my efforts to build boundaries with guys and remain pure have been in vain since the person whom I am madly in love with and want to marry did not wait for me as I did for him. I am actually surprised to read how many guys are dealing with this issue with their girlfriends since to me it always seemed like girls were the ones who were waiting while guys squandered their virginity. But it is comforting to see that there are guys in this world who want to wait for sex and aren’t just following blindly the sexual frenzies of other males around them. I honestly never really thought those guys existed until now.
    However, my dilemma still remains. Is it worth it to stay with this person knowing that I may move past but never truly forget his sexual past? Can I ever overcome the daunting thought that those sexual relationships will forever be a part of ours? Will our first time still be as special as if we had both waiting or will he be reminded of those other girls? Please, from a guy’s standpoint who had been there done that I would really like to know what my boyfriend is possibly going through and if he’ll ever be able to FORGET-yes I said it- forget those encounters and start fresh with me?

  69. Megan says:

    My boyfriend of three years revealed to me two years ago that he had had oral and anal sex but be swore to me that he never had vaginal sex. I am a virgin son this came as a devastating shock for me but since I love him I have chosen to forgive him and stay with him. However, he has lied to me before about how far he has gone with girls so how do I know that he is telling me the truth about never having “actual sex” (vaginal) and thus still somewhat considering himself a virgin? My fear is that if we get married I will years later find out that he did have vaginal sex.

  70. Emmanuel says:

    My problem isn’t the fact that she is not a waiter, its her sexual past. I’ve found out that she has kissed a girl before and I dont really know if im over reacting but its hard to think that she would go as far as to kiss the same gender, to want to expirament. For example i’m all for her having fun single, but its hard to believe she would go to that extend. A guy kisses a guy and its not expiramenting its just gay, a girl does the same n its totally acceptable why? Idk. Like I said its just probably me but i’d really would like an opinion

  71. vie says:

    Is it a given that we will always get these intense negative emotions with whomever non-waiter we date? Or with the ”right one” these feelings would be put to rest much easier? Please share your experiences….

  72. Jenna says:

    I’m 28 and a non waiter. I’ve only had 2 sexual partners in very committed relationships. My problem is that I’ve been dating this waiter for 8 months, who in the past has been more promiscuous than I have. What bothers me the most is that he had sex and gave himself to people who he was in serious relationships with, his longest being 5 years, and one night stands, but now he won’t give me what he has already given other people. I would think differently if he was a virgin, but he’s not. The more I care about him, the more I’m jealous of his past serious partners. I feel extremely unwanted. I have a very high sex drive (even when I’m a woman), and feel that I have morals, because I don’t just give myself out to any Joe, Dick and Harry. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? Help!

  73. IslandBoye says:

    i just got thru asking someone if they had slept around in between the obvious circumstances that i knew. she said yes …several. so my attitude is do not get mad…even though i am…just get what you want. which is what i am going to do. people are stuck in old habits. i have to admit that i want to mouth off and snap, but i know i can play this like chess and end up feeling better about a stupid situation that i am involved in. dont get mad …just get what you want

  74. IslandBoye says:

    play the game…but try to play to WIN. leave them more hurt than they can possibly leave you. and too bad. too bad! which end do you want to be on?

  75. Mike says:

    @Jenna – If he’s a born-again, then he may feel the need to be extra harsh on the issue to keep his own thoughts in line. His attitude should calm down and improve in time, so patience will help. Pushing him on it will make it worse.

    Eventually, see if he’ll meet you half way. I’m probably going to get flamed for saying that, but I’ve seen lots of waiter couples succeed (i.e., make it to marriage happily) with some sort of half-way compromise on physical intimacy. This will be a harder sell for you if you have to pry him away from what he thinks his church friends expect of him though (if that’s an issue). Time will help with that too. You just don’t want him to feel pressured from both sides.

    If he’s afraid of being judged by his church friends for striking a compromise with you (many born-agains are self-conscious about thier history to the point of being paranoid about judgement by religious peers), ask him to actually talk to the people that he so wants to please and fit in with. Tell him to ask them not what they think he should do, but what they do in their own relationships.

  76. Cassie says:

    Virginity is nothing but a social construct. And please consider this: is allowing someone access to your previously untouched genitals really the best you have to offer? You have nothing more important to contribute to a marriage that is more valuable than this? If you were a “waiter” who was lied to, your problem is that you are married/dating a LIAR, not that your partner wasn’t a virgin when you married.

    If you are so obsessed with the fact that you can’t say your partners vagina/penis hasn’t historically always been “mine mine mine!!” then get out of the relationship. I guarantee you your “non waiter” is rolling their eyes at you anyway, completely unable to figure out why you’re so possessive of their privates. If the fact that your “non waiter” has not only pledged his/her complete physical fidelity to you, but also agrees to GIVE UP sex for an indeterminate amount of time for you, then do both of you a favor and move on. Your “values” are just too different to make it work (with you valuing total ownership of him/her over anything else, and him/her valuing you as a human being). Do the sexually active a favor and just keep amongst your own.

  77. Stephen says:

    Hi Mike,

    Thanks for your article. It was nice to read something that wasn’t just simply saying ‘get over it’ because I don’t know about other people but as with most things I find that it’s easier said then done…

    I’ve been with my partner for about 5 months now, and we’ve both had sexual partners before and we’ve both been in committed relationships before. I’ve never found peoples sexual pasts an issue before, however my current girlfriend told me – totally out of the blue – that she’d had 16 sexual partners including me and we’re both only 18. I don’t know why but for some reason in this relationship it really bothers me. I’ve only been with three women, however the difference in number doesn’t daunt me, and I don’t feel insecure about the fact that they might have been better then me it just simply hurts and I really don’t know why. I don’t mind about the guys she’s slept with in relationships because to me thats expected and simply part of a relationship, however it’s the amount of guys she’s simply just slept with on one night stands, or just because she can that bothers me. It’s starting to really worry me how much it gets to me. It’d be alright if I was simply worried that I’m not ‘good enough’, but it’s not that at all. I really don’t know what it is, and I know it’s petty to even care but I do. If anyone has any thoughts I would be grateful.

  78. Janis says:

    I want to have some tips, how to get over problem like this.
    I have girlfriend. We are around 5 months together. In start i knew that she is not a virgin, but i was ok with that, but now i think more and more of that and it hurts like hell. Before that i had been with different girls, but in hart, i believe that i gave my virginity to her, and now i feel bad. I gave her something very important and didn’t get the same in return. She have had 2 other partners before, and she didn’t had feelings for them. She says im the best and she wants to be with me, but im feeling realy bad, how to get over this, because i love this girl so much and i want to be with her, but i feel different right now…

  79. Chaibi alaa says:

    Beleive me, this is the best article about this sexual matter, all over the internet.

  80. Imane says:

    I’m waiting for the appropriate one who deserve me ! This person would be my husband ..Sexual relations have to be in a legal way

  81. EyeAmNiceGirl says:

    I do understand wanting someone who is “equal” to you, especially in the virginity department. I’ll suggest that when you are 18, there is good chance of finding another virgin that you also like/love enough to want to marry (I mean, JUST because he is a virgin, it doesn’t mean he’s a match). I will suggest to your girls out there that as you age, you find that the guys you tend to go out with are also getting older. When you are 25, you are far more likely to be fining 30-year old guys more attractive/interesting than 20-year olds. And herein lies the problem (from a real life 28 year old) . . . the number of available men over 30 who are virgins AND do not look like trolls and/or have a major psychological problem are exceptionally rare finds (and you still have that basic compatibility issue). So, I’ve adopted a two-year rule. If the guy has been free from sexual misbehavior for the last two years, has never been a man-slut (e.g., if he’s been with 20 girls, that’s still a deal killer), and doesn’t have a disease left-over from before that 2 year period, I’ll accept it.

    I don’t see it as compromise, I see it as a realistic approach to the realistic state of this fallen world we live in. Younger guys (like 16 through 25 maybe) have a VERY tough time saying “no” when a cute girl puts the moves on him; and let’s face it, there are a LOT of cute girls out there who have no problem putting the moves on a guy. I’m not making excuses for guys, I’m just trying to be understanding. Just think how hard it has been for YOU to say no at times, and from everything I’ve ever read, guys have a LOT more hormones egging them on than we do.

    And to you guys out there, I might suggest that a lot of girls(women) have suffered from “bad decision syndrome,” like the story that Jon posted on July 29, 2011. The girl (his girlfriend) in his post made several bad mistakes at the same time: (1) she drank at age 17 (a literal crime), and highly stupid to drink for the first time in a situation that wasn’t extremely controlled, no matter what your age is — you never know how YOU will handle alcohol; (2) she got into a bed at another person’s house, again without any control on who else might come in there; (3) a guy say an opportunity (I’m guessing she is cute and friendly), so he figured why not see what he could get; (4) she went along with it (probably because she was drunk, but truth is, unless she was passed out and he raped her, she actually wanted to do it and her inhibitions that would have normally stopped were gone because of the alcohol). Notice, that three of the mistakes did NOT involve sex. About that item #4, having a couple of drinks (or even just one for some skinny girls) can totally shut down your inhibitions — and if you’ve ever seen a drunk person, they say stuff they never would say when sober (they might think it, they just don’t say it) and try stupid stunts they would never do when sober (like diving from a 3rd floor balcony into the shallow end of a pool); drunk people also fall into sex situations because that part of their brain that says “no” when they are sober is not working, the only part of their brain that works is the “do what you want to do” part.

    I hope this helps somebody out there. I’ll just say that marriage isn’t about finding a perfect person, it is about finding the perfect person for you. Yes, you need to be sure that a guy’s past (drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, yadda yadda) for-sure is in the PAST. Actually, the violence is the most difficult one for me to get over, because most violent people have a loose wire in their brain, and I’m not sure they are ever healed. OK, I have rambled long enough.

  82. Sweetgirl says:

    Hi. I really like this site. It really showed me how to deal with things. My story may be different than everyone elses, but I too, struggle with my boyfriend’s past daily.

    My boyfriend and I are both 19 (young I know). We have been dating for a year and a half now. When we started dating I was 18, and he was 17, almost 18. We both told eachother our pasts, and I seemed to be ok with his. He had slept with a girl before when he was 17, a few months before he started dating me. He had only done things with that one girl. I, on the other hand had done stuff with a bunch of guys, but I never went all the way and had sex. I lost my virginity to him, and today I regret. Not because he treats me poorly, but because i can’t get over his past. One day it just hit me, and I cant get it out of my head. We have gotten in so many fights about it, and actually broke up once because i felt like i could no longer take it. I asked him about his ex and the experience and he told me things, I wish I never knew. It hurts me so much that he would go and just do it with her after she cheated on him, and had sex with other dudes. He said he did it because he was jealous how other guys had her. It makes me so upset! I was able to say NO to so many guys, and he can’t say no to the one girl who screwed him over?! He gave his body to her, a girl who treated him like crap. I feel like I just get the left overs. I need help, and need advice about how I should deal with this and get over it. I really do love him, and I feel that is why this is so hard. I don’t need any rude comments back please, I am already very hurt and upset.

  83. Sweetgirl says:

    I forgot, we both decided not to have sex anymore until marriage (hopefully to eachother). I thought this would help prove his love, and help us to get over this topic, but it doesn’t. It just wont go away 🙁 . I have always wanted to wait til I got married, and I don’t understand how people can go and do it with a bunch of people! I could never do that! Maybe thats why it hurts me so much? Please, I just need advice.

  84. Point181 says:

    I need some advice and to share my situation, this site seems more friendly than most places on the internet.

    I am having difficulties dealing with the sexual history of my girlfriend. We have been dating for 9 months and I am very much in love with her. I am 27 and she is 24. She has only had sex with one person and it didn’t bother me much at first, but I have recently developed feelings as though I cannot deal with this. We were friends before we started dating and I believed she had not had sex before; I think this may be why I am struggling to deal with the situation (perhaps, that is me trying to rationalize it).

    The feeling that makes me feel worse is I am not completely innocent. When I was 14 I had sexual relations with another guy (yes did about everything I can do to another guy). When I was 21 I started to try to chase woman in an effort to be what society “expected of a man.” Meaning try to have sex with anything female that moves. I got myself in a few situations where things happened, but I never actually had sex. When I was like this I felt like I was trying to take advantage of women; this feeling made me hate myself. As a result, I changed and decided I would wait for someone I really wanted to be with. It took me 6 years to date someone I really wanted to be with.

    To further complicate matters I stopped waiting and had sex with her. Now it feels extremely shallow for me to have these feelings regarding her past. I have, yet again, compromised my own morals and can’t justify why my feelings are not just selfish, but, at the same time, I cannot figure out how to get rid of the feelings. Please help me deal with my feelings.

  85. KB says:

    I’m glad I found this article. My partner tells me a lot about his sexual history – and he’s been with quite a few people, most are casual. I try to be accepting and not read too much into it but It’s been really bothering me for the last few days, I tumble and turn at night thinking he’s gonna cheat on me. Then I get this mental image stuck in my head of him and someone else. I’d wake up in the morning thinking “Fuck this, it’s not going to work out” then later realise how irrational it is. I laughed at the first point, it was my first reaction, “How could you do that, I would never do that I have morals” etc… Now i realise our differences, he doesn’t regret what he’s done in his past just as I don’t in mine.

  86. Michelle says:

    This article is really what I feel as of the moment. I found out that guy i’m dating right now isnt a virgin about 9months ago.. We werent dating then. We were just friends. It’s just now that it struck me that I feel soooo bad that I am a waiter and he is not. He’s been with 4 women! I love him and I know what I want to do…. I want to get past it. I want to move on and look forward to a better future with him…. I don’t know how to do this…. 🙁 Help?

  87. Phill from Oz says:

    Hello Everyone!

    I know this article is over a year old however I really found the original article by Mike plus all the comments from you amazing people consoling and I’d really like to share my experiences with you all.

    There are a number of articles on the net regarding this topic written by bitter people and the articles themselves will not help you. Mike has clearly experienced the topic at hand and knows what he is talking about.

    I am not a waiter and neither is my partner. I am such a hypocrite because Ive had more sexual experience than her but her sexual past has continued to haunt me for some time.

    I love my fiance and soon to be wife deeply. There is nothing I would not do for her. My feelings for her transcend government, law, religion and anything else you can think of.

    I asked my partner about her sexual past and she feels very protected, safe and open with me so she told me everything honestly.

    Her number is rather small but the fact that men have used and abused her and she stayed with them devastates me. It makes me worry deeply. I lose sleep. I obsess. My imagination is my worst enemy. Usually if my imagination is torturing me Ill ask her for a particular detail and find relief because the truth is not half as bad as my imagination.

    I do understand that I have to get over this. If I am asked a question about my ex I really have to stop and think about it because that person is a fading and distant memory. So I realize every time I ask her I am giving power to that memory. Which annoys me in itself. I dont want to do it but i feel compelled.

    My partner is an amazing, caring, thought full and loving woman. When I told her how I feel she apologized to me and told me she wished she had waited for me and that itself really helped me. I know it hurts her deeply when she see’s I’m in pain.

    I find myself in my mind saying “if she only waited 5 years I could have been her first, I could have taught her everything and showed her real love”

    We have an amazing life together in every area but I constantly am tortured by my imagination and the fact that I will never be able to dominate her in bed how others have.

    I guess ultimately the two options are: get over it and work on making her the happiest woman on planet earth or let my insecurity and jealousy consume me further …blame her…damage her….condition her….ultimately to the point where there is no turning back and everything is damaged beyond repair.

    Anyway I know Im a huge hypocrite but I just felt like sharing.

    Its so stupid and illogical. She didnt even know me back then.

  88. My enemy says:

    I recently found out the girl I am falling in love with has (in a recent past) slept with a old friend (now enemy) of mine. She does not even acknowledges him when they see each-other but I cannot stop thinking about how this girl could talk herself into sleeping with such person.

    Ironically enough, this has happened in the past, with the same “enemy”. Except the previous girl was a slut, who had slept with many people I knew and continued to talk to them as friends.

    I need to know if this is a deal breaker.

  89. Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend found this article and showed it to me. We have both “not waited” with each other but I had also “not waited” with someone before him. Before we got together he didn’t seem to mind, but as our relationship progressed (almost 2 years now) it has bothered him more and more. I feel awful about my past and would never want him to be hurt by it. I know he has felt every one of the emotions listed in this post, because he has expressed it to me. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can make him more comfortable with me. He is the love of my life and I can’t afford to lose him. If anyone has advice on how to help him through this tough period please let me know.

  90. Mike says:

    @Anonymous – That’s a good question. I’ll have to write a future article on how to deal with sexual history issues from the other perspective (as the one whose partner is upset).

    For starters, be patient. Extremely patient. Even when he lashes out and says horrible things. Put everything in context of the fact that he’s only upset because he has feelings for you. Try not to view his turmoil as a threat to how he feels about you. He wants to find a way to get past this. He just doesn’t know how at the moment, because all he can see are those horrible mental pictures.

    Also — this may just work on guys — anything that you can do to rebuild his ego will help. Help him feel that he’s better than that other guy. Show him that he has more of you (physically). Make him pity the other guy.

    That should be a start. Please post updates as your situation progresses if you can!

  91. Stranger says:

    Hi mike, After reading your article and the comments everyone had given. I got the courage to share my story. I’m a fairy tale believer, who was waiting for her prince charming to come and sweep her off the floor. When I got 19. I started talking with a guy and within 2 months I fell in love with him. I had never met him though, but what he told and the way he cared about me I was totally in love with him. We met after 7 months, we didn’t disclose each others identity totally. We both had our secrets… But when we met, things slipped and we ended up having sex. We had accepted each other as being a couple. Slowly we came to know each other secrets too, we weren’t exactly what we depicted ourselves to be but we accepted each other for whatever we were. From then on after every 3-4 months for next 3 years, we used to meet and have sex and enjoy our time with each other. Its been 3 years since we last met and we don’t talk that much coz I have broken off with him due to realizing that there far more things, moral values, family, one’s own hard work of becoming and fulfillin ur dreams, which have to be seen and taken care of. If tempted by the same sex or even being intimate with my partner I would like to wait till being married. But I cann’t seem to forgive myself of this guilt and at times feel that no one will ever accept me who i’m, but I’ve begun to love myself, I do cry at times and feel angry too. I’m trying to forgive my self, I try to connect with god and build my faith. But of entering in a relationship and that also of telling my whole part to the other person really scares me, knowing that this person will always be hurt and so will I be too.

  92. Logic says:

    Another perfect page outlining how the doctrines of religion to do with human relationships creates more damage than harmony. Good job bible bashers.

  93. roshanak says:

    Hello Dear writer,
    whoever says past is past is either careless with no heart or ignorant.

    Yes the facts you mentiones ARE really heartbreaking unless the person is so kind and caring to you, so he/she resolve it for you or help you.

  94. wny says:

    I have never had the experience of dating someone and finding out a woman is not a virgin (I have not dated yet), but I imagine I would have “wounded pride” and “shattered fantsasy.” I don’t like to call it a “fantasy,” though, as I do not believe it is a fantasy for me to believe sex would be more special for me if I am with a fellow virgin. I think the author may have used the term “fantasy” to mean something you have thought of that has not happened yet, though, so I don’t think it is neccessarily wrong that the term was used. I would not continue to date or marry a woman who is not a virgin, even if I really liked her otherwise. But, for those who would (and there is nothing wrong with that) I would imagine it is exteremely important to be able to move past their sexual history.

  95. Luis Ubaldo Gonzalez says:

    Thank You.

  96. Daniel says:

    Great article Mike, I enjoyed reading!
    Its amazing how many comments are directed towards people hurting trying to get over their current lovers sexual past. This is a major issue for relationships today. My story may help and give hope to those that are hurting from their partner’s haunting past. Figured this would be a good halloween true story… anyway… I was a waiter who is now divorced from who I waited for. After the divorce I started seeing someone who I grew to love again pretty quickly. At first she seemed so sweet and innocent and judging by our conversations I began to feel that she might still be a virgin. She was 26 and I was 30 at the time. We grew to be best friends and talked about everything. This turned out to be a very bad idea when it came to her sexual past. I remember it like it was yesterday, laying and cuddling (no sex) she told me she had slept with 20 other guys! Instantly I was shocked, hurt, and felt cheated. My biggest mistake was for the next 3 or 4 months I kept prying in and wanting more details… and she gave them. Lost her virginity at 17, had a threesome with two guys at 18, threesome with a guy and girl at 19, 10+ one night stands at 20 and 21… slept with guys of different race… had one relationship that lasted 6 months at 22 but then had a one night stand with his best friend. One night stand with a guy 13 years older than her. Had guys texting her dirty pictures of themselves… I think you get the point. This hurt bad enough and I loved her so much at the same time that I actually felt like ending my life over the pain and grief it was causing both of us. Fighting and drinking heavily went on for about 6 months trying to figure out a way for me to stop torturing myself over something that I found out later, really didn’t mean a thing!
    It wasn’t until I was at work one night that something clicked. I realized that if I wasn’t going to be able to get over her past and move on, I was just going to be part of her past too, and I didn’t want that.
    So I made a List of all the wonderful things about her and all the amazing fun times we have had since we met and I read it over and over whenever I had a dwelling relapse. Then I made a list I titled, “read me when your down.” This list explained how I fell in love with this woman before I knew her past, and after knowing her past, she is still the same amazing woman I fell in love with. NOTHING HAD CHANGED! The only thing that changed was how I began to treat her after knowing. Did I really think that if she found fulfillment, peace, and happiness with her previous promiscuity that she would want to stop doing it and be with me? It was very obvious that she felt terrible about her past, and the last thing she needed was some idiot bringing it up to her and pouring salt on a wound. So I stuck to my lists and as time went by my thinking changed to a loving, caring, sensitive, and respectful for her. She is an amazing woman, and I am lucky to be loved by her!
    Since then we have been so amzingly happy and she is a blessing in my life. Hope I havent bored you too much… this last statement always helped me: People don’t land on earth just in time for you to receive them for your relationship with no past to tow. Everybody has a past and it’s called a past for a reason: It was the time before YOU, and it won’t dictate your future relationships unless you let it.

  97. Lee says:


    SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Be happy.
    Love and be loved.
    Take each day for what it is.
    They’ll soon run out, and tempest fugit will kick you in the teeth and laugh.
    Just be bloody happy and stop focusing on…SEX!!!!!

  98. Jof says:


    My girlfriend has had 35-40 men. A gangbang and 3 somes with two other men at once. It’s on my mind sooo much, im insecure, makes me shudder and feel revulsion. What can I do ?

  99. Mike says:

    @Jof – I’m pretty sure you’re a troll, but if you’re serious, then I would be much more concerned about her having major underlying psychological issues than I would be about sexual jealousy. You might have way more to worry about with this one.

  100. Jof says:

    Not a troll, just very concerned and struggling.. Appreciate you don’t know all the facts, but can you suggest the next step forward ? Many Thanks.

  101. Mike says:

    @Jof – Sorry for the false accusation of trollhood. The topic of this website makes for alluring trollbait (as you can probably imagine), so that makes my troll alarm a little oversensitive.

    OK, I’ll assume that this girl is otherwise perfect for you, makes you really happy, and if it weren’t for your hangups about her past you could see yourself spending a long time with her. If that’s true, then the next step is to try and find out if she has any major psychological issues that might limit her ability to maintain a steady, stable relationship with anyone.

    It’s hard to spend part of your life being THAT self-destructive and not have some lingering issues (like, say, the issues that caused the self-destructive behavior in the first place). That kind of past is a giant, burning red flag that there are probably some issues under the surface with her. Find those out. Or at least get enough clues that you have an idea of where all that behavior came from, and what’s left over from it.

    Disclaimer for anybody about to flame me: I’m not saying that people can’t overcome that kind of past, or that it’s impossible to do those particular activities without self-destruction as the driving motive, but I think it’s pretty unlikely that her past would be seen as psychologically healthy by most standards.

    So to summarize, Jof: First make sure she is capable of having a relationship, then make sure you actually want a relationship with her (apart from her past), THEN worry about dealing with her past. When you get to that last part, come back and I’ll have more for you (or I’ll try haha).

    Very best of luck. Hope it turns out survivable for you.

  102. no name says:

    So if been Dealing with my boyfriend for a year and about to be four month and it jus eats me up inside to one tht I won’t be his first , I’m a virgin and I though he was to ut as the months went on I found out the truth and he’s not , it hurts bc I feel like for me it will be very special but for him it will just be w.e to him , we’ve been fighting and fight about this I want to get over it but it’s so hard when yu think about all the deatails , I’ve been reading articles after article to help mend my heart I know he’s a good man I wanna continue our realationship but its hard to when I feel like I can’t compete with the two girls he’s slept with . I feel like I’m gunna push him away if I keep bringing up the past but it hurts so bad to one that they have seen in a way I feel ibshould only see him pls help I dnt wnt my realationship to fade away but I need help getting over his past PLS HELP PLE HELP !!!

  103. Spisi says:

    Hey Dan,
    my husband is really going crazy over my past. Before I was with him I did some tings in my past and I was totally honest with him about it. After we got married thats when it started bothering him. He has hit me once because of his anger and has said alot of mean things to me. Sometimes he will be fine and then another moment he will be mad at me and look at me with disgust. Is there anything i can do to help him or anything i can suggest to him that might help him because i fear for our marriage and my safety.

  104. Andy says:

    Read your article and may be you could help me.. I am in a relation from the past 8 months. Recently 2 weeks ago he read a mail of mine( chat msg) that was 2 years ago between me and my ex ?( whom i was very serious n was to marry).. The mail was about us planning a overnight once last time after our breakup. it was a long mail detailing all, though in the mail i came across least interested but was agreeing to my ex. The plan never took place.. Me and my ex met but it ws nt overnight we just met for half a day thats all… After my ex i dated after some time another guy for a period of 3 months … Nothing was between us… However I had written a mail to that guy asking how did he know about my last outing with my ex( I refered my last outing in the mail as last time).. My Bf has read that mail too..

    He knew about my ex but i never mentioned about the other guy whom i went out 3 to 4 times. I found that not important and significant, would have told in course of time…

    This whole thing of my ex & the other guy has hurted him alot… He thinks that I have had sex with my ex and lying to him.

    I have been explaining him that i have not we were planning & it did nt take place… The situations which u have described is exactly what he is feeling . He was the person who sent me the article so I could relate.

    He now does nt want an explanation from me.. He tells me I dont talk about it .. The whole thing I dont discuss or even talk.. He does nt want an explanation he just wants me to talk about it..

    I really dont know how & what to talk about… He is getting bugged by it.. He knows its not right and he does nt blame me or make me feel guilty… But he isnt able to cope with it…

    I want to HELP him… Please let me know if you could help me…What should I do.


  105. me112233 says:

    I’m going to say something rude here. A lot of girls say they want to date /marry a virgin, and perhaps, in theory, they do. However, in practice, they clearly do not. They constantly fawn over guys that are the wild and dangerous type. The quarterback on the football team is their “dream guy,” seems the more he scores on the field, the more he scores off the field. Same goes for a farm boy who drinks a lot, or a biker dude. Doesn’t really matter, it is the rough and tough image that the girl goes for. The girls go for those guys for numerous reasons, but the main one is that the “danger” of a bad boy excites them. But with that bad boy image comes the reality — he IS a bad boy; he’s had sex, probably with a several people. The boring virgin is, well, boring; sure, he’s a virgin, but the girl doesn’t find that interesting, he’s just doesn’t have that “forbidden fruit” appeal that the virgin guy has. Those virgins don’t have that bad boy image, because they actually aren’t bad boys. So, get over your crying about the fact that the non-virgins you are dating have done the deed a few times; virgins are available, if you would just fix your warped little brain so that you would find those virgins attractive.

  106. Lola says:

    My past deeds and experience has eaten me so much that I freak out of every relationship when it starts getting serious.

    Mine is not hurt but more of shame as to the extent of my ordeals in the past, although I have abstain from intimacy ever since and kept to myself, feeling like am not a virgin when in the actual sense I am.

    I am so ashamed and scared that I fear any intimacy and I don’t know when or how to let go of my past mischievousness and allow myself feel self worth again. Please I need advice

  107. Brooks says:

    My current girlfriend is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. However, she had sex with her last boyfriend. She moved to my valley to get away from all of that. When she told me about it, she was 15 and he was 17. This was two years ago. She is now 17 and I am 16. What hurts most is she told me that the last time they had sex was 1 month before we started dating, after she had moved. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I am sure that she is the one for me. She is just amazing and I don’t want her to leave me for her past. What do I do to get over this?

  108. Richard says:

    Hi all,
    Came accross this article thru a friend… Would like to share a story which a little different which I have read linked to this article.
    To begin with I admit that women are seen as the weaker sex, but to tell you the truth it’s us MEN who are actually.
    It’s a long story but I will try and keep it brief . This was a couple of years ago.
    I have a friend who is an amazing girl very honest and sweet, but was very very reserved back then. Lately I started noticing the changes in her which were never before.. She had become more open a little bold and more happier.
    Asked her and she just said I feel good from inside. We have been friends from childhood and never have I know her this way. It was amazing to see her change. After a couple of months I saw her being a bit depressed asked why was so.
    And she told me that some how her boyfriend was getting affected by her past.. Though she knew he was trying to cope with it and was hurted a bit because he was so much in love with her. She was very supportive of him. But there was this issue of mis trust here. Her boyfriend thought there is much to her past then what she had said. My friend choose not to do anything physical with her ex untill marriage.. And with him she choose to do everything.
    The amazing part is taking this in pretext, that she choose to do everything with him and not with her ex was eating him up.. He found this hard to believe.
    It’s a bit difficult to answer those questions.. Any which ways she told me if this persists then she may call it off thou she did not want to. She loved him a lot and never wanted to leave him.. After a couple of months everything was sorted. The guy wanted some time she helped him thru and all worked out fine. She did not give me the details how it all became good. I was just happy to know that all was sorted..
    Presently they have two amazing kids and are a happy family.
    I felt the urge to share this experience as this a bit different then other experiences I read about.
    We all have past but I haven’t known one women among my many friends who have ever dewelled so much about their boyfriend or husbands past. It’s we who pounder on it rather then accepting it and moving on.
    Everything is about excepting it , knowing it and letting it be there.
    Unknowingly we tend to bring the past which is irrelevant to the present and mess up the future.
    Do comment if something similar you have come across or known.

  109. Kathleen says:

    @Daniel – thank you for sharing your story. Mine sounds incredibly similar, except I am where you were a few months/years ago and I am a female. If I could go back in time, we would not have discussed pasts (I do not usually prescribe to ignorance is bliss, but in some cases, knowing less doesn’t hurt). Like you, my partner is kind, sweet, sensitive, intelligent and incredibly caring – yet, I fail to see these things when I am projecting about choices he made prior to us meeting and subsequently dating. Like you, nothing changed, except this knowledge and my perception.

    “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

    Right now, I am not willing to walk away from someone because of choices he made in the past. He didn’t know me, and didn’t know he’d meet me. What does he value TODAY? How does he treat me and our love today?

    Although the past can be an indicator of future behavior, I believe that we shouldn’t judge people because they sin differently than us. I’ve lied to my parents – to their face (a few commandments broken!). Does that forever make me a liar and a horrible daughter? I hope not. I think you need to look at the whole person and go from there.

    I don’t resolve to “just get over this”. However, I trust that with patience and God’s grace, I will grow into the loving and forgiving person I am meant to be.

  110. Dan says:

    I was just googleing to find help out there somewhere on the internet. This article has helped me a bit, but I’m still bothered…
    I’m a sophomore in college and I ended up meeting this amazing freshman girl almost immediately. We ended up hanging out and started seeing each other quite often for the past few months and found we are very much alike. I can safely say that I have fallen in love with this girl.

    There’s only one problem- she has slept with four guys before meeting me.
    She lost her virginity to a boyfriend when she was around 16 1/2, they broke up (not sure of those details, nor do I care to know right now).

    She ended up dating another guy, who ended up cheating on her (causing them to break up), and then she slept with another guy a couple times to get back at him.

    The third guy she slept with was with a guy she met a couple times, and then they had sex in his car (that was the only time with him).

    The last guy was her then boyfriend of 10 months. Since they dated for so long, I can only imagine their sex got pretty good and that they had a lot of it because they also lived close to each other.

    To be fair, I’ll also talk about what I’ve done in the past: I am still a virgin, but I did a lot of touching with three girlfriends in the past. I had two random hook-ups that have led very close to sex, but I would go to the alternative hand job. The girlfriend I had before gave me oral sex (which was the first time for both of us, but was also very brief and we stopped before we were finished).

    I usually am not bothered by this, but every once in a while I just go into these deep pits of depression and despair. I ask “Why is this happening to me?” “Why couldn’t she have waited for me?” “Why do I feel so angry at her even though she said she was sorry?” “Does she REALLY regret it?” “I thought I was going to have a perfect relationship and marry a virgin! Why not God?” Sometimes I even wish that I just had sex before marriage with other girls so I wouldn’t feel as bad about her doing it.

    I try to pray about it and read my Bible for encouragement and for help, but I feel like it just isn’t working…

  111. ad says:

    so getting over the past… seems hard right now. I should say I am married I knew my wife wasn’t a virgin, but at the time it was not a big deal to me. I lost my virginity to her in college, when we look back on this fact it is something we are both ashamed of. When we first had sex she told me it was something she had promised herself she would never do again. This was the reason she was so ashamed. as for me I was ashamed because it went against my values, and I knew we had done was wrong. She told me about the guy who she lost her virginity to, he was a guy she didn’t really like but she was his tutor and they formed some sort of relationship. She told me that one day she went to tutor him, she went to his house and on this one day when they got their she headed up to his room while he “got a drink” when she got to his room he was already there though. She didn’t tell me much more than that she lost her viriginity that day. She said she was ashamed and that she didn’t come out of her room for a few weeks except for school. I know she is past this guy, but for some reason I just can’t get it out of my head that some other guy is walking around and knows what it is like to have sex with my wife. She doesn’t know that I feel this way, I don’t want to upset her and honestly I just want to get past it in my own mind. Thing is now I just want to find this guys, knock on his door and bust his face open. Please don’t think I am a violent guy, but this issue hits the right nerve… and to be honest not much ever gets me so flustered. I would say I feel alot of these characteristis listed above. I just wish I could have been there for my wife on that day, knocked the guy out and taken her to her home. I guess more than anything I love my wife and I’m not upset with her as much as I am with this other guy. Deep down I know this guy has not won anything and he has nothing on me; I am married to this amazing women, we have a happy life, and we have a beautiful daughter toghether. I know deep down I shouldn’t be upset, and most days I’m not. But I want to get to the bottom of it all and fow what reason… I don’t know. I guess more than anything I just want to know she does love me and that this other smuck doesnt matter.

    this helped, i just needed to get this out…

  112. Deseat says:

    We all have differing ideals on moralist behaviours, i think its of paramount importance that you let yours be known to your new partner should you go down the history path, this gives yourselves some sort of base to determine if your are compatable. Certain behavours are all to much for some people and they cannot be overcome , unfortunit but true. Lying about your past can be very damaging, generally its done because the liar, (doesnt want to lose you )…… yeah .. really well did you think that you’d never even had me should id known this??? Wasting peoples time on lies of your past is a henious decietful practice, be truthfull, let them decide as to weather they can deal with your past activitys, much better to kmow from the start than to find out months/ years down the track, because if you start it on a lie then your found out, all trust is lost!!!!!!

  113. diya says:

    i have the same problem like u have talked about…he isnt a virgin but his dreams were to marry a virgin girl i couldnt tell him bt kater i had to confess and we get hurt everymoment bt cant separate and still hang on and is there a way to make him believe that i love him at the present and that i will keep him happy

  114. h says:

    i have only one qstn i had love and physical relationship with someone but that was 2 years ago i fell in love with someone and very much afraid of that momnt when he discover that ia m not avirgin or had relationship with someone else

  115. Mike says:

    Great website; it is perhaps the only one that won’t eviscerate you for having these beliefs. I have two thoughts I thought I would share, and maybe get support, because I need it.
    First, my girlfriend (who I want to eventually marry) is a non-waiter, and has slept with two other people. I’ve seen comments about people worried that their partners had slept with a bunch of other people, but for me such a small number makes it worse. It makes it much more easy to make comparisons, and shows that she does place some sort of emphasis on sex. If she didn’t, I could be happy knowing that I emotionally “own” all of her, because there would never have been any physical connection to own. I almost kind of wish she had slept with a lot more people, if she had to have sex with someone.
    Second, I don’t want her to feel bad on the surface, but part of me on the inside admittedly does want her to be drowned in guilt for just a little bit. It’s like, if she feels bad enough about it, she will associate those negative emotions with her past sexual experiences and won’t think about them anymore. And, if she doesn’t think about them, then they won’t be a part of her. The bottom line is I can’t stand the thought of her thinking about past sex during our first time. I’ve seen people say ‘learn how to blow her away,” but if she said I was amazing after we finished it would kill me. By blowing someone (who isn’t a virgin) away, you are inherently comparing yourself to someone else. I also can’t get past the fact that she might say something like “it’s okay, let me help,” or show me what she likes, because that will just mean this isn’t new to her; it is not unique like it is to me. I don’t want to be compared to. I sometimes wish that for that night I wouldn’t be a virgin she wouldn’t be thinking about how this is all new to me and, by connection, how to her it isn’t.

  116. miku says:

    hey mikewat do i do to make him feel gud abt my luv,i really luv him and cant saty searate from him,he isna a v and i lost it wen i was 17 cuz the guy said he wud marry me and it was jst once even less than 5 minutes and i met him after four years i din know his dreams were to marry a virgin girl and it was 5months wen i had to tell tthe truth,lots of issues arose and still it eats him,am very guilty and i cry everytime we quarrel about it wont he be able to forget and if we marry will the roblem arise again…i want to make him feel really lucky bt suggest me

  117. Julian says:

    Hi Mike,

    I’m not having major issues letting go of my partners sexual past other than the fact she as cheated on an ex. This seems different because it’s a whole other moral quandry. She definitely didn’t appear to be this same person when we met and has shown remorse for it, she said that she was unhappy in their relationship and although she didn’t lie and told the rat she cheated with that she was in a relationship she did still sleep with him. It was some time in the past and I’m not worried about her cheating on me because she was so broken by the whole experience and we communicate well. It’s the fact she could do that? I don’t understand and my mind plays it over and over making it worse.

    I love her and I want to let it go and forgive her, can you offer any advice or warning?

  118. andrew says:

    I’m glad i went to this website, I’m 21 currently and there was so many close encounters i had with women around my age that if i escalated it just a bit, i could’ve had sex. Its difficult for a guy much more so than a girl because of the pressures to be experienced but i REFUSE to give in and give away my virginity like it was worth a dollar. Virginity to me is much like a family heirloom, where if you sell it or trade it, its lost FOREVER. After reading so many of other peoples posts, its terrible to lose it to just “somebody” or someone who doesn’t give a damn about anyone other than themselves and acted selfish but its completely unforgivable because whether you’re bored or not, it will come back to bite you no matter what. i hope i can go to some place in some country and find a girl who didn’t act so rash and careless who have morals that can be counted one when kids are around.

  119. Kyle says:

    It’s a shame to read so many comments about morals this, morals that, yet the same posts are so damning about non-waiters.

    Look at the person’s heart there and then. I’m sick of self-righteous attitudes, when there are some of you who need to look at your own personality.

    I came on here for others who are waiters and struggling to deal with a person’s sexual past, but among some good comments, there are some disturbing comments. Let me tell you a story about a former prostitute who, through an attempted suicide, began to turn her life around and found the man of her dreams. Now, she did not have ‘morals’ then, but she does now. I’ve also had the pleasure of meeting people who have had lots of sex (meaningful and meaningless) and turned their lives around. They have acquired a gift which is lacking here; a heart of gold. A heart of forgiveness, understanding and realisation.

    Not everyone’s journey is the same. Not everyone will understand why we are waiters.

    I deliver this line from the Bible (whether you’re religious or not), because it is the best example I could find:
    “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.’

    Just because you’re a waiter, doesn’t mean you have better overall standards or morals, especially if you’re unforgiving, damning and judgmental, holding resentment. These are deficiencies in your life which need addressing, like someone’s sexual past needs addressing.

    Virginity is so bigged up just as much as losing it, that either side fail to recognise the main ingredient in a relationship; love. It’s about love, finding that one partner and accepting them for everything that they are. Being open and honest in communication, understanding and realising past mistakes and forming a new life together, leaving the old one behind. That perfect love banishing fear.

    I fear some of you may destroy your relationships over resentment, anger and so forth, yet preach about respect, level of standards etc, not realising what you have is something special. You have it, yet you’re willing to throw it away because images of ‘perfect’ partners has been tarnished. Appreciate what you have. Help your partner see your way of thinking rather than wallow in self pity about how they’ve been unable to match your ‘high’ standards.

    If a person changes for the better, then their heart and conscience is clean.

    I spend a lot of time with reformers from all backgrounds. I don’t work in a prison nor in church. Sometimes, the worst rulebreakers are the best lawmakers. They understand all sides.

    Others have let things off their chest, and I have here. Thank you for your time.

  120. Kyle says:

    The above isn’t addressed to the site generally, or to a great many of you who are understanding. There are some posts that have stirred a hornets nest.

  121. Fred says:

    Hey Mike,

    Just wanted to say that after reading your post, it did help me get over what has been troubling me for a while. I mean my girlfriend now, while dating she told me her past about this guy (her first) having done sexual acts together but just no sex. Their relationship was for 2 years, she didn’t like doing them but they still did it like many times? So it was just this part that’s bothering me.. I mean, she is a virgin (if you see it as no insertion) but yet not in a way.. she told me that when we were dating, but I guess I really do love her a lot that I decided to still have her be my gf.. but its just sometimes her past just comes in. I guess its partly jealousy? But I don’t want to be like her ex, in which just using her as a “toy”, doing sex acts just so I feel the same. Now, I’m showing her more love, care and treating her much better than her ex, after reading your post, I’m guessing I’m in the right direction to getting over her past.
    Thanks Mike.

  122. jeff says:

    I married a non waiter and my wife yelled at me on the honeymoon night for asking the same question “did you come yet” and just trying to be caring but being inexperinced she acted like a complete ass and i was and am not valued, after 3 years of this crap and other stuff as well as issues with intamcay im out. I dont care about the whole god doestn like divorce crap, he also doesnt like the husband having constant emotional pain that he doesnt take away even though he is supposed to be allmighty. my wifes past boyfriends got hooked up at least twice a week with not issues and some got more, I get maybe once every 2.5 weeks or once every 1.5 weeks if im lucky at 32 yesrs old. I want out becuase of the pain and not feeling valued. Dont marry a non waiter unless you had your fun already…because its the worst pain in the world..

  123. Nina says:

    Me and my boyfriend are in relationship for 3 years.i am 24 years old and he is 27.we were classmate in September 2009,and he tried to approach me and start friendship with me.He is a Muslim and from Bangladesh,and I’m muslim but middle eastern.He got so close to me and shared many things about his life,and told me that I am so different from other girl and I look good,so kind and understanding.he asked me about if i am in relationship,and I said I was in a relationship back in home for three years,and we were in love,but never had physical relationship due to age and religion.He was trying to show him self so conservative,and innocent.Finally after giving me so much sign that he likes me..he offered me to be in a relationship with him,and I accept it,but I said we can’t have sex,and if you think it won’t work for you,then be straight forward and he accept it and claimed that he is virgin too..we didn’t have sex for 6 months,and finally we had,even though I was so uncomfortable cause I never had this kind of experience,I start it to fall in love madly with him,do attached and extremely obsessed and jealous..I from the beginning I was suspecting and feeling insecure about everything..recently I had gut feeling that there is something wrong,finally I found his diary and saw that he wrote about a girl that he lost..! In September 2009,during the time we met,then I found a email from that girl that she said she is confused about him and needs space..but couldn’t any other evidence besides that..! During our friendship he mention about that girl with sarcasm that the girls used to like my boyfriend and not him..but now I found out that was not true..after a week of fighting and confronting with him,he confess that he used to like her and weak about her,but he never LOVED her…and finally he had sex with her and she stayed in housed too some times..he said they were classmates(friend)..And got close to each other..but she left U.S and went to brazil for a while and became weired and denying him..that’s why he felt upset and mad,and wrote in his diary..but during that time he was trying to get involve with me and pretend that he was virgin..and every time he was acting with me that I am his first lover or girl that I slept with him..and he said lie about everything for 3 years..he still says that he just liked her after sex but not loved..and I don’t believe him..he says he didn’t want to be in serious relationship with her cause she was flirting with many guys,and slept with random guy,and also she was not Muslim…that’s why..but my boyfriend was acting with me for 3 years that he never had sex or romance before..and now still he is trying to deny about Rebounding with me..the funniest thing is he wrote about me in November 2009,that he likes me and thinks I look cute and unique..and it’s rare to find someone like me in U.S …and he said he is worrying about our future and destiny..because of two different culture..I am wondering how come he hide the reality from me for 3 years,and his come he start friendship and rejayinshop with me so quick..and never mentioned about that girl and his feeling..and pretend I am the first girl he saw and love to have sex? What was the reason?and how come he could say that much lie?now I feel so betrayed,anger,jealousy..and uncomfortable..i am do shocked..please help me out..should I leave him forever??? So painful..never thought he was like that before..:(((

  124. TRUE says:

    Recently, I married a woman who came from a very religious background, much of which had a factor in why I chose to marry her, only to find out that, while she was raised in a strict religious home, as soon as she left for college, she abandoned all teachings from her parents, and became a smoking, drinking, sexing young woman from her early 20s, thrugh her early 40s, the age in which we met and married. After having candid conversations about sexual partners prior to getting married, after marriage, I constantly began coming across ex-lovers who whe continued to keep in contact with my now wife via
    facebook, always telling her how beautiful she is, how they like her long weave Vs her shorter hair, how much she meant to them, etc. My wife even had the audacity to invite one particular ex lover she continued to indulge in, off and on for multiple years, to our wedding. This guy from her past who could “pop up” at any point in time prior to our involvement, and be a very happy friend, with benefits. She finally stopped lying and told me the truth, that she had been with more than 30 men in her lifetime, a number I still believe is much lower than the truth, however given her religious up bringing, I’m sure she will do whatever is necessary to preserve some level of purity, as best as possible within her mind. Now, imagine my disappointment. I recognized I was not marrying a virgin, but a promiscuous lier who has slep with well over 30??

    Everyone says “move on”, but the reality is, I got played, and it does not feel good to get played. Additionally, for me, it’s a character question. Why lie about the number of partners you’ve been with in order to secure a husband, only to admit that you lied, knowing the impact on your marriage will be severe.

    Why I do not need a virgin, I do need and deserve the opportunity to build sexual experiences with the right woman, especially if we are to one day be husband and wife, someone who has not been as promiscuous as my soon to be ex wife. It’s my choice, and I choose to move forward, without her.

  125. Jonathan says:

    I stumbled across this article last night while I was looking for a way to cope. I was so glad to find the list of emotions and finally be able to understand it all.

    I waited for 22 years to find the right person and when I did it turns out she didn’t wait for me. At first it didn’t bother me so much. It hurt but I thought ‘Well everyone makes mistakes’. About a year later I gave her my virginity and I thought it was perfect. It was like an actual fairy tale. Under a tree on a sunny day. Then it started to sink in. It didn’t hurt so much before because I had no idea what it was really all about. But once I had experienced it, all I could think was ‘Wait a minute…you’ve done THIS with someone else? That? The single greatest experience I’ve ever had and you’ve. ..already done that with someone else?’. It was the most unreal pain and sadness. For months I couldn’t get the mental pictures out of my head and even now it keeps me up at night thinking about that other man. What makes it worse is I know how it happened (I was foolish enough to ask) and now whenever something I see or hear or do is related to the instance my memory flares and I think of it. I know it hurts her. We’ve cried together about this and I know she feels terrible for how I’m feeling. I don’t resent her and I’m not angry. But the mental images are just horrible. No one wants to picture the woman they love with another man. We are now engaged to be married and I haven’t thought about it in a long time but every now and then it hurts again. I want her to know I love more than anything else…but that doesn’t make the past less painful. I don’t want her to suffer for my inability to cope with this but I don’t know what to do.

  126. J says:

    Hi mike I’m a young guy of 16 and I’d like to ask your advice on something, I’m in a loving relationship with my girlfriend were still quite young I know but I have recently been losing sleep over her sexual past, she lost her virginity at 15 to an 18 year old and every night the thought of it keeps reoccuring, she says she regrets it but it still will not leave my mind,I have lost sleep for countless months over it and I would like your advice to help me understand why I keep thinking about it and what I can do to forget it,thankyou

  127. thankful says:

    Hi Mike,

    I’m not a waiter or anything, but I was googling how to cope with a partner’s sexual past and I felt that this was the one I should click. So thank you very much. I learned some fantastic, heart and eye opening things that help me so beautifully. I love what you’ve done. Thank you thank you thank you. I send love your way and I really wish you the absolute best. Karma will treat you well for treating me and the rest of us well 🙂
    And for all of you, I send love your way as well, and I pray that you all receive the best way it can.
    Thank you, Mike. Thank you <3

  128. Mike says:

    @thankful – You’re very welcome! I’m really glad the article helped. You may also want to check out Jennifer’s excellent articles on Sexual Jealousy.

  129. daniel says:

    I am 25 and my girlfriend (my first) is 29. I never had previous GFs because I was focused in my career. Sure I had many female friends, we went out, and i dated some of them. the farthest i got was kissing and some petting. but nobody touched me ‘there’.

    on the other hand, my gf had 6 boyfriends before, few of them lasted for more than a year. of course, i also know she had sex with some, if not all of them.

    a knew this before we enter a relationship and it was fine with me.

    however, as i love her more, i felt gradually jelous. the more i love her, the more jelous i get.

    it ignited more the first time we had sex. i realized she did this with so many others, that so many other men had touched her the way im touching her. that the person i am holding has been held so many times by many other men, and that she planned with them and made dreams with the six of them.

    I hate her for not thinking of preserving herself for her future husband. it haunts me that the person i am now with, this gf has been changed, altered, improved or whatever by the six other men that preceded me.

    i hate her that they came inside her, that they marked her physically and emotionally.

    i wonder sometimes whether some of her light scars wer sex marks. i wonder how they passionately did it. and i hate her!

    this is crazy but i actually asked her to throw all her under garments, all stuff her exes gave her.

    i cant imagine removing the same garments other men remove. IT SUCKS.

    she sucks.

  130. John says:

    So I have a shallow question to get opinions on. I have been dating my current gf for 14 mos. She is divorced and has been for over 2 yrs. We discussed engagements over Xmas and she told me that during her first marriage she had an affair. This affair was with a person we both currently work with. Yes she and I work in the same place… I can’t get past it. I have never asked anyone to be my wife or even considered it until her. To make it even funnier I am 38, and always thought I would be a bachelor.
    How would you handle this situation?

  131. Belle says:

    How to get over the fact of finding out how many woman your boyfriend has slept with but findi all this information after already being pregnant ? It’s always in the back of my mind he had sex with so and so and I just can’t seem to get over it. How to cope with this!? It doesn’t let me look towards the future.

  132. Amanda says:


    Am not a virgin. And i was in a 2 year relationship and i’ve been single for 5 months. I was honest about my past and he was a virgin, we had sex a few times but we cut it off because that’s not what i wanted anymore and i want to wait . For the past two years he tore me to pieces, made me feel like i was less of a person. You know it really hurts when someone you truly love keeps tormenting you with what you did and emotionally abuses you. It really does hurt it’s not easy for us who didn’t wait. I went through am emotional roller coaster and i lost so much weight. I resented him so much and forgiving him was hard… But then if you love someone isn’t forgiveness part of true love?

  133. Naly says:

    I am 26 year old, and I am committed with a girl she is 24 and it is totally arranged by family. Here my issue is I got a call from a stranger and he told he is in a relationship with her for the last 7 years , then after this girl called me and accept these things and ask me to move back if possible. Later on some how we became very close each other and she broke up with that guy. And now she also admits that she had a physical attachment with this guy only once. She told me like her past relationship stretched for these many years because of this 10 min stupidity. In my case I never had a serious relation ships and a passionate sex but I had lots of 1 night standout sex. In fact I never experienced sex from real love.
    But I fact we love each other and I trust her completely. Here I need help , do I really need to go ahead with this girl or better to leave? I this I have to take a decision ASAP. Please help me.

  134. randomGuy says:

    Interesting that I found this place, needless to say I am in the same boat.

    I love this girl, but she wasnt a waiter anymore, I do understand that it wasnt her fault (the guy cheated on her). It should be my fault, for not finding her sooner …

    But I still cant help it but feel frustrated and painful, not quiet sure its more painful to be with her, or breaking up, and worst of all, I am afraid of hurting her if we do breakup …

    Hope that I can find the answer before its too late.

  135. Outraged says:

    What an awful amount of Judgemental and extremely insecure not to mention unfactual stuff going on in this article and some of these responses WOW!!!!!!
    Well I know waiters and non waiters who got together my parents being one couple. It’s a good thing there is ONLY ONE PERSONS OPINION THAT COUNTS AND THAT’S JESUS CHRIST… If he can have it in his heart to forgive Mary Magdelene, prostitute at the temple then who the frig are you people to be so judgement in this way? It’s simple.. you are in love with someone but the fact that they have a past is a deal breaker… well then move on (but don’t judge them scornfully) let them be free to go and chase another non waiter then… seemingly by some of the responses on here the two of them deserve each other!!!!
    It’s small wonder why many have hesitated to come to the church and to find a relationship with Christianity with people like you attending churches If Jesus can forgive their past they so should you!!!!… It’s just as well you DON’T need a relationship with Christians to have a relationship with Christ Jesus… Praise the lord I am happy in him.
    You all sound like you need to work these issues out with the lord as an ex non waiter I have and I can tell you this I seem a DM Sight happier than ANY of you “So called Christians”.Sam the hormone you speak of is Oxytocin and you can’t run out of it.. there is so much more I can educate you on… whilst it is admirable to wait and it IS the most precious thing you can give away bar your own children… I know of people who HAVE waited for that special person who turned out t be a pig in soooo many ways… Life is short don’t look for advice on silly sites give over to the Lord and he will take your worries from you.. he will even show you if this person you are waiting for is wicked in heart, you get virgins who are also not nice people you know and you get people who have a history who albeit tainted to use such a word are good people God uses ANYONE he sees fit to use. Good Luck everyone but please don’t agonise over such things trust in God!!!!!

  136. Outraged says:

    P.S Random guy….”I love this girl, but she wasnt a waiter anymore, I do understand that it wasnt her fault (the guy cheated on her). It should be my fault, for not finding her sooner”. How is it YOUR FAULT if you don’t find love at a certain time.. it happens wen it happens.. or not at all it all depends on circumstances rather than destiny… right place right time right frame of mind and of course asking God to show you if it’s right.
    Do you see what you are ALL doing?? Coming on a website asking complete strangers and (unqualified at that) for their advice abut wether or not to break up from someone you claim to love? If I found out that someone I loved made a decision from asking a question on a yahoo question type forum I would question if indeed we were meant to be together. I can understand seeking out a professionals advice but all you would get here are opinions (Including mine) to use the phrase Opinions are like …….. Holes everyone has one and everyone else thinks someone elses stinks… without being crude you can fill in the blanks. Even IF you set of circumstances appear EXACTLY the same RANDOM GUY AND NALY I guarantee you they are NOT and it is such a mistake to conmpare your life to the next persons in this way.. Why?? Because you don’t know what led them to that decision, someone may have exactly the same issues on the face of it but due to shame or a subconscious unresolved issue fails to reveal everything about the problem therefore you are basing YOUR decision to dump or stay through someone elses eyes and a stranger at that. Ask God for advice the ONLY being you need to consult besides your parents and your Health Practitioner even they too make mistakes. Good Luck ALL of you. !!!!!

  137. Steve says:

    I love my girlfriend so much, and I want to marry her, but she previously “hooked up” with so many guys that I admit that there is a part of me that just wants to scream at her and call her awful things because I am so insecure about it. I just wanted to tell someone.

  138. chris says:

    So I thought my story was unique..maybe not after reading this very helpful article. I was a virgin when I met my (now) wife, and she was previously married. I actually had been in the same room with her and her (boyfriend at the time) when they had sex. They assumed I was asleep.
    We had sex before marriage, but I had never been with anyone else.

    The jealousy did not really manifest until a couple years ago. She was contacted on facebook by her ex, and that made me very insecure. She had been with over 10 partners before me, and that really started bothering me, I started losing sleep over it. (Realize we have been married 20 years).
    I will share more about my journey of forgiveness and acceptance soon.

  139. J says:

    I waited until I married my wife (who was not a waiter) and our marriage did not last, but not due to anything related to this topic. So I found myself newly single in my early 30s and with a young daughter. I realized that the chances of finding someone with similar morals was low so I put my focus on my daughter at the expense of relationships. I dated a few girls but never felt any reason to get serious with any of them. So I found waiting again for my next wife (should that ever happen) to be natural.

    I met my current wife at work and we started dating after a few months working together. We started as friends and it was obvious to me that she was bothered by something dark that turned out to be her sexual history. As our relationship grew, we talked about the situations she was involved in (4 and she had sex with all of them) plus there was “a one night stand”. We talked (I mostly listened) as she described each one and I helped get her past these, essentially making sense of how/why they happened. She saved the one night stand for last and as she was about to describe it, this 1 event became 6 one night stands. That was very difficult to handle as my feelings for her were getting very strong by this point. However I found the strength to get her past these as well, accepted where we stood and we eventually married. Although I had an underlying belief that there was more left unsaid.

    We’ve been married almost 14 years and have a wonderful 10 year old son. A few weeks ago a couple of the people from her past started reaching out to her via email. This led to some confrontations between me and these guys that led to these feelings I had of “there is more” to intensify. I guess she felt vulnerable that these people had started resurface and she finally told me that indeed, there was more. In fact she has now admitted to 14 one night stands along with 5 longer term relationships (all involving sex). Of course she is again telling me that “this is everything” which you can imagine I’m having a lot of trouble accepting.

    So now I find myself feeling betrayed so badly – she effectively was lying to me for the 15 years we’ve known each other, including the 13+ years we’ve been married. I love this woman with all my heart but do not believe that I can overcome this. I feel like such a fool.

    I’m not looking for solutions, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

  140. J says:

    This is an update to my post from March 4. I thought I could figure things out on my own but as she and I talk through things I find myself feeling so used. Every day more lies crop up. I’ve asked her to help clear some things up for me but she hasn’t obliged yet. I bought her flowers a couple days ago because I know she’s going through a tough time also. I just feel so alone. I know I said I wasn’t looking for any help, but I don’t know how to get past this on my own.

  141. tormented says:

    Wow reading everyones comments I realise i’m not the only one who is going through it tough. I am separated (divorncing in a few months) I am with a man who has been with so many it hurts. He was married and he and his wife were involved in sharing themselves around with MANY. At that time obviously it was what they did and found nothing wrong in it. I have know this guy 10 years now, knew about his past yet still gave my heart to him. ONly now (we are getting married in about 6 months)my mind and heart are just in turmoil. I can’t get these horrid images out of my mind of what he used to get up to and feel so ripped off that he has shared himself around with so many and has done some pretty disgusting things. I feel ripped off and cheated that he so carelesly gave himself away that what I have and what he gives me is what he has given everyone else. I know he loves me more than anything, he’s ashamed of what he used to do and he says I am who he has looked for all these years and wishes he had found me before the one he married. Some days it just consumes me and eats me up. Its all I can think of. I wonder how he can change so much and not want what he used to do in the past – how he can settle for boring me and just me only. I love him with all my heart, know he loves me but … I can’t comprehend how he dosent think of his past that was his lifestyle for some 10 years . I need help!!!!!!. Anyone out with who has a very colourfull past and is now with someone who does not have that kind of past so to speak (though I was married for 20 years) can you please please tell me how you are able to block off your past – Is it like it never happened, or do you still think about it, how do you make this new relationship work like it;s all new for you too??? Some days I feel worthless and that I’m the one who has given everything only to get a tiny bit of whats not been shared back.. I know I am being so cruel and horrible in my feelings and depressive days to my partner but I can’t help it. For me his past is like ‘yesterday’ and the images are so fresh – yet he says he dosent think of it and the past is the past. PLEASE someone help…

  142. chris says:

    I wonder the same thing ‘tormented’. I knew some of my wifes past and learned more after we were married. Ive only been with her but she was married before and had at least 10 other partners. I wonder if she thinks of them, because I sure do and its hard to believe she does not. Shes told me she cant erase her memory and that does hurt. I can tell you this, there have been times when my own thoughts consumed me, but after time those thoughts do go away. They come and go..we have a wonderful marriage and sex life. We have been married 20 years and are as close now as ever. It gets better…but my jealous orfeelings are still there from time to time.

  143. tormented says:

    Thank you Chris for sharing. We’ve been living together (with kids) 1 1/2 years now and it seems to be getting worse for me not easier. Those thoughts I have do consume me – just like you said – and I pray constantly for them to just disapear. Some days I feel like walking away just to get away from that pain I seem to cause myself but there’s too much to throw away. I can only imagine the hurt with the comment of “cant erase her memory” that would throw me.. Congratulations on 20 years 🙂

  144. Josh says:

    I have pretty much the same problem as everyone here… and this may sound stupid, but my girlfriend is a waiter. She’s never done it before and I haven’t either. However, I’ve kept myself very chaste and clean. The only thing I’ve ever done is pop kiss a girl that I was talking to a year ago. However, she waited almost a year to tell me about her past. And it included her making out with a guy who’s not even in her life anymore. She obviously learned MANY tricks with him, and how she describes some kisses she had with him leave me very sad. It also makes me feel very inferior and stupid for not doing it myself in the past.
    Also, this is a long-distance relationship. She comes to visit me every six months. And the thought of another guy already having a one-up on me with her drives me insane. Do I have a reason to feel bad? What should I do?

  145. Mike says:

    Thank you so much for this article. It seems to be helping me really overcome a very difficult psychological issue that until now I was having a hard time even defining.

  146. Mike says:

    @Mike – No problem! Glad it helped.

  147. CaptainSpar says:


    Thanks for this article. I WAS a virgin but not a waiter or anything..I had love before the sex with a girl…then I found out she was not a virgin either. It bothered me a lot, but your article saved me. I love this woman, she almost died for me…LITERALLY…because I wouldn’t believe her loving me because she was with some other guy (4 times before me anal and vaginal).

    I was angry, fucking majorly pissed. I love her and I didn’t choose this love or EXPECT it…Now I won’t have any other women..she’s been with another guy and I have to live with that?

    She doesn’t know I was a virgin…..and I don’t plan on ever telling her. It’s not relevant. But your article really helped me to see its no big deal.

    Heck she only had 1 guy before me 4 times only and said the sex wasn’t even sex but it was too bad to be classified sex…(she swears she wont lie to me because she thinks lying leads to divorces) and it does anger me..imagining her with some other guy etc…but as you said – IMAGINATION RUNNING WILD.

    If you could comment on my situation would be great…but I don’t have one anymore thanks to you. Or at least I hope not…

    Can’t believe I have such religious emotions? I’m not even religious nor did I place any importance on my VIRGINITY…but wow…i didn’t expect to be a virgin in love too…or that this would happen..

  148. Michael G. says:

    ok so my girfriend told me on our first date, that she wasnt pure, now i am a waiter, and boy i love this women, i will marry her for sure, the exact person God has for me, but its just i know she wants sex again, she told me, but dang i also want to wait, she told me she loves me no matter what(i also said the same after that) and that she will wait, but then i also want to know if i should have sex with her, hmmmmmmmmm i just dont know man shoot, i love Mike, thats all i know, i just wish i had her in my arms holding her tight lookin her eyes, MIke this big 6ft 6in country boy cryin man. what do u think sir.

  149. Mike says:

    @Michael G. – Sorry man. I can’t really make the decision for you, and I don’t like trying to advise people one way or the other. You have to decide for yourself whether waiting makes sense for you. For me, it does; I like waiting. For you, it might be different, and that’s totally OK.

    That said, you can still hold your girl in your arms and look into her eyes lots and lots without having sex. Waiting doesn’t have to mean “no physical intimacy.” People draw their lines in different places. Also, the fact that she wants to have sex is a good sign. You want somebody who is willing to wait on you, and also has a sex drive.

  150. Nathan says:

    Hi everyone,
    Thanks for the insightful article and I must say that I also enjoyed the honesty of the comments. I am a male, 26yrs…

    Growing up, I always was intrigued by the whole issue of “virginity” – for me it symbolises absolute Godly purity and I knew what was expected of me – although I am a man – I wanted to wait until marriage.

    I met a girl just over 6 years ago (now my wife). It was love at first sight, but she had (an abusive) boyfriend at the time. I never touched her-not even a kiss on her cheek, until she broke up with him. Only then did we start our relationship.

    Anyway, I asked her that infamous question: “So how many guys have you been wit”h before?” and she was honest and said 3…
    When she said that, it felt like to heart just dropped and I got cold chills all over my body. But I loved her and continued to persue het with passion.

    For the first 6 months, this issue didn’t really bother me, but after that time, I really became obsessed with this and wanted to know everything! But the more I heard, the more I started to feel disgust towards her – although I knew it was wrong and that I didn’t want to…

    I was still a virgin – I never kissed anyone before her, I never saw anyone naked before her and I never did any sexual act with anyone before her…So she was really getting the “best of me” and I had to be okay with the fact that she has had 3 guys before me and lost her virginity at age 14…

    But she is so ashamed of this and has many times cried and said to me that she wish she could change all of this and that she could have waited and kept saying that she didn’t know…she didn’t know…Then I end up crying more than her, because I realize I hurt her so deeply, yet I am hurting too…It’s a vicious cycle.

    We have now been married for over 3 years and have 1 toddler and twins of 10 months. We do have a good relationship. My wife laughs, enjoys life and yet she doesn’t realize how much pain and hurt I still carry inside of me…and I don’t want to talk to her about it anymore, as it just hurts her and I don’t want to do that again.

    Over the last 5 years, I have read about 100 articles on this subject, I went for counselling and deliverance at my church and I have also talked to other people about this, but it feels fine for a week or so and then reality kicks in again…

    I am so desperate to change my thoughts and to let go of this “obession” that my wife wasn’t a virgin and I REALLY want to stop picturing her with other guys and all they things they did out of my head. It consumes me 24/7 – I can never enjoy anything with her (sexual or non-sexual) as I keep wondering whether or not she has done this with anyone else before…Maybe it is OCD??? I don’t know…but I want these thoughs gone! And because it’s an issue of the mind, I keep saying that I will not think about these things anymore, but as soon as I do, I think about it!

    I am considering going for hypnosis on Monday to try and overcome this matter, but I am not even sure if that will work…I am just so desperate and I want to love my wife unconditionally and I want to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, as she is not the girl of her past at all anymore – she is an amazing woman – for her, her past is her past, so I know the problem lies with me and my thoughts, but I am just so desperate and I know I need help and advice.

    I would appreciate any comments or even some links to articles, self-hypnosis texts or whatever you guys could recommend I do…
    Thank you all so much!

    Bless you 🙂

  151. CaptainSpar says:

    Deat Nathan,

    I wanted to write to you. Please feel free to read my issue above…I think I’m an earlier version of you…but I haven’t married her yet or had kids.

    Difference between my woman and yours is…only 1 guy had her before me. It’s funny isn’t it? How love goes from not caring to disgustingly consuming? But it makes sense,,,you want to know if the person you love really thinks you’re special…but how can you be given the fact that you didn’t physically do anything they did to them exclusively while they had you in EVERY way…right? You can never forget it….but going for hypnosis isn’t the answer…dealing with it is.

    My girl didn’t even like the guy she did things with 4 times in any girlfriend boyfriend way…it was mostly casual between friends…(loose term at that).

    In any instance….if she’s done everything physically with someone else….yes you never know if you truly are special or if she feels its special. It more than likely just isn’t…or SO IT SEEMS

    You just have to take the advice in this amazing article and REALZIE she didn’t CARE about her virginity and that things she probably did sexually MEANT NOTHING to her. This is a fact…women do things sexually out of boredom etc etc. for them…it’s not a big deal..same with guys. Men and women are not much different.

    You can be rest assured that with you it actually means something…especially if she’s regretting being with others in the past….and that means they truly did mean NOTHING to her.

    However….lets say you two break up….she can tell the next guy you meant nothing…but rest assured if YOU DO MEAN SOMETHING…IN HER HEART…THEN YOU MEAN EVERYTHING AND she shouldn’t have a “next guy”

    Time will tell….

  152. Tormented says:

    @ Nathan,
    I so can identify with how you are feeling.. I too am consumed by thoughts such as you. Nothing seems to help except try to forget – but even that dosent seem to work!! I had a meltdown yesterday over it…. Going through the same as you – But have decided I am going to tray to either accept it or make the choice to walk away. I love my fiance and am getting married shortly so certainly don’t want to walk away. I know the saying goes – the past is the past, (sigh) I know that yet I can’t put it behind me and somedays it totally consumes me. I have concluded there is no answer, there is no fixing the past and there is no cure for how we feel except to ACCEPT their past as it can’t be changed – there is no fix for that.. I hate his past, it gives me the cold chills it makes me ill some days but I love who he is today and I pray daily to keep that past where it should be – in the past and I try desperately to not think of it. I pray you are able dismiss the images when they come as they only destroy you and from what I am told – they certainly don’t dwell on their past and have put it behind them as something they are ashamed of. They love us and want to make a future with us.. All the best..

  153. Eric says:

    Reading “Tormented”s story is like a mirror of my own. My wife was previously married for 10 years and had a hippie lifestyle in the USA and abroad. She had over 60 lovers, male and female, in threesomes, foursomes, and one orgy. It didn’t upset me at first but as I developed considerable passion for her it became a big problem. I became a moral lecturer and it was agony for over a year. It fell away entirely after we moved in together and married. It appeared to be linked closely with the level of passion in our lives and that moderated after living together. 18 years passed without thinking about it much until recently. Our relationship has rekindled its romance for a number of reasons and unfortunately I’m now bothered about her past again! Also unfortunately she told me almost everything which I now remember better than she does! This time around I’m going to a therapist because I don’t want to lose our regained passion for each other.

  154. Tormented says:

    “Eric” I know that feeling of remembering better than he does!!! The fact you said it went away completely I hold hope that perhaps that will happen with me. But ugh for you its come back after what – 18 years .. All the best at councelling – I hope you find your peace.. Thank you for sharing – makes me reaslise I’m not the only one struggling with the exact same issues!!!!

  155. John says:

    Hi Mike and all,

    I’ve just started dating this girl, and I’ve never loved someone so much.
    We have been talking for half a year but only started dating two months ago. The tricky thing is that we are very far away (ten hours distance by car) and I only see her once every two months. Another thing is that we’re both eighteen, and even though I know this is all “first love lust” and things like that, I still want to be with her…

    But eventually I knew I was going to have to ask her about her past. She told me that she had done some things with other guys but not fully sex, and that guys had done the same with her. I’ve always been taught to save myself, so I found this so hard to believe.

    When I read your article, I felt like I could relate to so much of what you said. After I read it I called her and told her how sorry I was for acting so distant and hostile to who she had been. When she responded, she told me that she understands how I could feel so lost; she gave something that was so important to me away so easily. But when she said this, I still couldn’t help but feel like we can’t ever be the same; like as if something that I envisioned we could share together was already lost and how I could never get that back…

    Is there anything else you know of that could advise me? I just don’t know what to say to her.

  156. Pete says:

    Hi Mike,

    Thanks so much for your article. I’ve been dealing with my serious gf’s sexually casual past recently, and I know all the ‘right information’, and I know that I ultimately have to get over it. FYI, I am a virgin (though I have my own sexual struggles, amirite, boys?), and a Christian (going into ministry), and my sexual ethics are all from that. She now shares my sexual ethics on pretty much everything, but didn’t used to. We’re mid-late twenties, which I think makes it a bit different to being 17!

    But I do find it hard, because so much of what I hear basically makes me feel like I’m completely ridiculous for even struggling with it. People who don’t share my views make me feel like Satan-incarnate for oppressing my gf by letting her know that I find it hard, or desiring her to have a pure sexual ethic as part of our Christian relationship (which she has now! she had it before she met me! And our faith is central to our relationship). And even my Christian mentors (some of whom also married women with significant pasts) don’t seem to get it, and didn’t seem to have the same problems. Which is nice for them.

    I love this girl. She’s amazing. I put the probabilities of us marrying as high. And I really appreciate hearing you express exactly the emotions I’ve been feeling. She doesn’t really seem to get it, and I can’t really expect her to. It’s just nice to know that my response to it is not uncommon, without changing the fact that I just have to get over it.

    I’d appreciate hearing from you, Mike, if you’re still following this post.


  157. I’m grateful that such blogs exist.

  158. etc says:

    I was a waiter who married a non-waiter. She did tell me before we got married, but here we are 20 years later and I can’t get over it still. She lost her virginity less than 4 months before we started going out. I hate that she didn’t wait for me. I feel cheated. The guys she gave it up to dumped her right after he took it. He bragged to his best friend who then told her best friend that he only dated her to have his second virgin. I’ve never had one. I hate this guy with all my heart.

    She told me later that she lost her virginity because she felt that she wouldn’t get a virgin anyway, so why should she wait. It makes me sick to think of this. She told me(to match my values) that she believed in waiting, but she was duped into giving up her virginity. We now have 3 kids and have been together for 20 years. I feel like I’ve been scammed into a loveless marriage. She has said his name during sex and denies it. She says that she hates him, but when she saw him him in public she didn’t let me know that I had just met him. Why? Shame? Fear? I think that it is because she never got over him. He tricked her into losing her virginity and she fell for the bad boy. I’m the safe good guy that she settled for.

    I hate that I am compared to him for sex. I hate that he has carnal knowledge of my wife. I know that she hasn’t been completely honest with me and I’m pretty sure that she has been with other men since we’ve been married. I think that she was with others(including him) while we were dating. I’m pretty disgusted with life right now.

  159. Bob says:

    Well I didnt read all these comments but this is my situation. I have a girlfriend I have been with for 9 months. Her sexual history is WAYY different from mine. I’ll start by saying I have been with one girl and she has been with 19 different people some of all races and sexes and once both at the same time. The problem is I have slept with two girls and with their combined sexual history they over 40 partners. My gf now says she wished she didnt do it and my reply is yes now you wished you didnt but back then you wanted it. Anyone can say they wish they could go back. Thats obvious cause you already had your fun now you wanna settle. Well thats fine and all but I want my fun too. Unfortunately I wont find a girl my age (23) with same sexual history as me who isnt a straight laced person. I would love to have sex with 19 people too and have a threesome too. Problem is I have a gf who has flaws but overall a good gf and I want my “fun” but I dont want her waiting on me but I would love if she did. Morals are big in my life and to me she has zero. She always tells me how she has changed but I still cant g t over it. I have kissed less people than she has had sex with. What should I do? I love her but I want to live my life too. Have my sex and experiences. Ive had two gf both less than a year so I think its fair to want my life. I feel bad that I want this but at the sametime I live once and its my chance now to have experiences. She shouldnt have issue seeing as she has had tons of sex with many people. She is older(25) and up until 9 months ago was having sex with whoever. It really sucks cause we break up and I get a “im gonna kill myself” text or call. Bottom line is I love her but want my life and experiences too. I also want her. I know I cant have my cake and eat it too. We had a rough start with her threatening cheating and two of her male friends who told me straight up they wanna “fuck her” and last time we broke up she went to the bar with them and then lied to me the next day saying how she has no life and no reason to live and yet she was out with these guys and lied to me about it and giving me a huge guilt trip. Then when we break up I hate always thinking she will kill herself. I just wanna be single to see if I would have sex or not. I would come back to her but to her its either me or end her life. I know its bad but if im gonna be with someone who has had 19 partners compared to my one (excluding her) then I want my sex too. But if she had only one partner id have no issue not worrying about sex. I would like advice. But im afraid I wont find someone who can relate. As in someone who is with someone who has been around and you have had one person.

    Also I can definitely relate to those who say they feel like their partner isnt theres because they have had so much sex. I hate this feeling too. Its true tho because you cant walk down the street without knowing (pardon my language) your girl has sucked all these guys penises and youre kissing it. And knowing how to you she is your woman but to others she is this fuck doll. Yes, your girl or guy says they wish they could go back but if they could they would make the same decisions. Yes you want to take it away. Wanna know why? Because you want the good sex history meaning with little to zero people but you only want that because you already had all that sex so of course you want a clean slate. Lol sorry it angers me.

  160. Bob says:

    @ Nathan I have made my gf cry because of her past. Its the worse because you need to talk to her but you cant. And no matter what you cant change it. Sometimes I wish she could break up with me because it does bother me and I feel I bring her done which the brings me down. It is a horrible cycle.

  161. CaptainSpar says:

    @Bob – so the guy basically “had his virgin” ?

    Why can’t you just redefine virginity to mean something more than a dick in a hole. Perhaps actual feelings of love that are legitimate based on relative circumstances? Even if she did moan his name, it wasn’t real. The love was never there because he isn’t with her. Think about it. She knows it. Even if she thought it at the time (which sucks) she knows it was nothing – so it was retrospectively never “TAKEN FOREVER”

    I feel too many guys here are being absolutely over the top about the virginity thing. It’s about the totality of EMOTIONAL ownership…and legitimate ones at that. THINK ABOUT IT – if you take your woman’s virginity without her waiting until MARRIAGE …does it REALLY mean anything to her? Because she COULD possibly fuck another guy.

    You guys just don’t see it. Bob, etc, Pete.

    Obviously you feel it fucking sucks they felt sexual arousal/attraction for other guys…but you all need to snap out of the “i want to be special to her” bubble. It just does NOT exist. It’s relative based on proximity. God put you here…you all believe in God (Not that I do) then perhaps God had a reason for it? Perhaps God wants to test you? Pick your examples…

    I doubt God gives a crap for virginity truthfully more than the Bible states in waiting. Yes…waiting is the BEST policy in all ensures true spirtual connection etc..but then if a girl FUCKS many GUYS before that – its as if it was never spirtual…so WHO cares.

    Be the guy that marries her, haves kids with her…etc. And move on. You may not be her “first”

    But you can be her ONE AND ONLY LAST.

  162. CaptainSpar says:

    @Bob i didnt mean you i meant etc.

  163. Bob says:

    @CaptainSpar lol I was thinking you may have not meant to put my name. But my feeling has NOTHING to do with religion or virginity. Actually after I posted that post I realized this website is about church and stuff. Made me regret my posting. I do believe in God, its just me and my relationship with him is between me and him. I was just saying it bothers me because she had all these experiences and I didnt. Also that she did all of these things (which is normal in todays society) but didnt think that this is kind of promiscuous behavior. Anyways i do appreciate advice. I know it wont go away and in all honesty i just have to learn as i go. I have faith it will all end right tho. Actually I wish I could take my post down. I was looking for advice but I now feel guilty asking for some. This is my issues and i need to handle it myself. If there is a way to take it down id appreciate it tons.

    But for those people who are (no offense) “bible thumpers” heres a side story. My very first gf who I lost my virginity to was very jiffy. Meanng she spread easy. I didnt know this cause she had an angel act where she made everyone believe she was a saint. Well that girl ended up cheating on me at chruch camp. Funny huh? Go to church camp where they tell you pre marital sex makes you go to hell and she cheated there. Anyways I hope everyone can figure it all out. I know its hard just keep the faith.

  164. Bob says:

    Also reading back it looks like I put my gf in a bad light. The main reason I even posted was to somehow get me to stop thinking about it. I cant however. But my gf is sooo damn awesome. Im the one who is in the wrong in the situation. Its jealousy and curiousity. She is an amazing gf and there are two sides to every story so even tho my post seems to make her out to be bad it was unintentional. Actually im an asshole for even letting it get to me. Hell its my greed and jealousy. Idk I know we have issues and most are mine. But i do see it ending well. Thanks yall

  165. chris says:

    Tormented and Eric..I’m glad that I am not the only one with these wife of 20 years was very active when she was younger. I even witnessed her a couple times with her has become a source of both pain, and fantasy for me..but it’s a constant struggle. Hoping for some peace.

  166. chris says:

    Bob..I watched my (now) wife fuck her ex on multiple occaisions..before we were married.
    Those images are a source of fantasy and very conflicted…anyone else in my situation?

  167. CaptainSpar says:

    @Bob – I understand your feeling about wanting to do what your girlfriend did…but she had no idea she would meet you. I get it. You feel she has all of you..and you have “none” of her. I’m no bible thumper..and Bob this site isnt for BIBLE PEOPLE. It’s just people who take a stance on WAITING for sex. THATS IT. But as you can imagine, it attracts a lot of christians.

    In any case…to all the men here who feel cheated, the men who have MARRIED their women and feel cheated….I am sorry. But you are being ridiculous, egotistical, and selfish…but you are allowed to feel this way. What most of you boys don’t realize is you need to be men and realize you are the FIRST OF THE LAST AND ONLY. Why is that not a bigger deal than some dude who put his dick in first or equivalent to “FIRST!” on a youtube comment? Who gives a shit…

  168. Bob says:

    @CaptainSpar I believe just saying get over it isnt enough for some. Me included. I believe everyone here knows already what youre saying. Just suck it up. However we aren’t all necessarily last. You can always break up and get back. Thanks anyways for your help. My bad not knowing this isnt a Christian site. And I dont mean to affend any Christians by saying bible thumpers.
    @Chris im sorry man that is crucial. Idk any advice other than what everyone else will say and thats if you love her then stay but if its a huge bother id talk about it with her and figure something out. Its gonna be difficult but I hope it works out for you.

  169. Paolo says:

    Let me share mine..

    Me and my girlfriend had been dating for 8 months.. I really like her.. It’s just to painful to bare that she had already sexual experiences before me.. I always wanted to get over all of those things just to give her more love..

    She told me that she had been sexually active on her 7th boyfriend while she was 17. She had already made sex with him 3 times. She actually accepted only out of curiousity.. After she had broke up with him because she thought that he dated her only to have sex with her,she had another sex with a friend because she was inlove with him.. Little did she know that friend already had another girlfriend.. She also said that she had been touched by some of her bf. (fingered and licked)

    She told me everything because she doesn’t want anything hidden from me because she loved me so much.. She even told me that I’m the guy for her and wanted to marry me.. She regret all those things that had happened and also wished that I was there for her ever since..

    I just wanted my mind to get rid of the images of her and her exes doing sex.. I love her too and I want it to grow.. But still, I feel lucky that she’s the one for me.. I cant’t even describe in words for how much she is different from the others. I want to protect her, to give care for her..The things that really bothers me is the images that is playing inside my head, the insecurity, and her reputation because many people already know what had happened to her..

  170. etc says:

    To Captain Spar. I’m not a bible thumper. A little romantic maybe, naive perhaps. I just wanted my wife to wait for me like I waited for her. That’s it. Nothing else. I feel like I’m a freak because I feel this way and everyone else around me has had like 50 partners before they got married. I’ve had one. I can’t stand a hair in my food, how could I stand being with a lot of people. It’s just not for me. That is why it sickens me to think of my wife being that way with another man. I don’t think that it is egotistical to want my wife to having never having experienced another man’s penis inside of her vagina. She likes oral sex, but when I get down there all I think about is another man’s penis has been in there and came inside her. It grosses me out. Sorry to feel that way. I guess I’m not normal. Or what society deems normal. I hate feeling like an outcast and I hate knowing that I’m not the only man who has had sex with my beautiful wife. It tears me up inside.

  171. CaptainSpar says:

    Then etc – do your wife a favor and allow her a real man who can look past the realm of bodily materialism and into the realm of actual infinite love. If you look down there and all you can imagine is another penis inside of her (I get it..I truly do) – then you need to stop objectifying her pussy so much. Also, saying you wanted her to wait like you did is just complete bullshit. Why did you wait anyways? Didn’t have any sexual offers? Not in the position to fuck a girl? Religious ? Well then why not find that out before marrying someone. I’m surprised if you’re religious that you’re such a hypocritical idiot. Hair in food I get, but this is a human being you’re talking about, not some plate of food you devour (look at your analogies and how fucking deluded you are).

    You’re not a man and you deserve having your dick to yourself….you need to be able to see BEYOND that. If your woman has been with 1 man..who gives a shit..if it’s 20 maybe it speaks that much more she wants to be with you? Perhaps they didn’t work out…who cares? Is incompatibility a DEADLY sin, is she not human? Do you want your own angel that’s pure to fuck? What’s your deal? Like other men on this forum, you sound like a circumstantial hypocrite (one who was a virgin and fell in love with a nonvirgin and is butthurt he didn’t fuck more women). TOUGH! I get it…I SERIOUSLY understand where your mentality is…but it’s a result of OBJECTIFICATION of your relationship…not about appreciation, or mutual love. More like a sick infatuation similar to Gollum and his ring being on Frodo’s finger…

    To have NEVER EXPERIENCED another mans penis inside herr! GROW UP. WHO CARES? So she experienced it, perhaps it was a bad one, perhaps it was ENJOYABLE. Sexual AROUSAL has been scientifically PROVEN NOT TO BE LINKED TO A PERSON but only PHYSICAL STIMULI which can be provided by an OGRE.

    Are you YOUR DICK and her only her VAGINA? Do you two have NOTHING ELSE in your relationship to account for anything more than silly whos penis was in what hole inside of you and vice versa talk?

    I mean if you seriously look at it…your brain is that of a little fucking kid. You don’t want her experiencing any penis other than your own inside of her? Are you that closed minded? What about the potential -DARE I SAY IT GASP- benefits she can get from it? YES BENEFITS.

    Like MORE APPRECIATION FOR YOU…or are you inadequate and think you’re being compared…? If you’re going down on her, and you’re imagining a penis…or similar images of her taking a pounding by a penis that isn’t your own…(ONCE AGAIN I GET IT)) – then you have serious mental issues in tying SEX as the DO ALL END ALL TO THE RELATIONSHIP. Immature infatuation should not be called love. And you my friend have a sham of a marriage if thats all it is based on….

    And don’t try to claim it isn’t…because it bleeds out of you like a weak pile of crap. If it wasn’t the only thing – why is it such a big fucking deal. Why is it “TEARING YOU UP” why is it scratching at your identity? Why does it affect how you feel about her? Oh my god…you people need to get out of your tiny rocks and SERIOUSLY THINK OBJECTIVELY.

  172. etc says:

    Captain Spar if you were a real man you wouldn’t speak to people the way that you do. This is meant to be a site for people with similar backgrounds. You obviously don’t have that. Why are you even here? To belittle people? To make them feel small? I already feel that way. You are a pathetic form of a human being to slam people who already feel like crap about themselves. I did have offers from other women. I turned them down. I wanted to wait for marriage. It means alot to me. You obviously like to cause pain.(I get it.) You sound like a shallow person who is only on this site to make other people feel terrible. Good job. You’ve achieved your goal. You think that this is just about me, no it isn’t. You haven’t read a single comment that I’ve put on this site. You’ve just decided to act like a jerk and call those of us on here who need a place for understanding. Why….do….you…come….on…here? You obviously don’t have the same beliefs and ZERO compassion? You are not the real man. A real man has compassion. A real man feels empathy. You’re a pathetic little boy who likes to fry the wings off of bugs with a match……because you can. I can guarantee that if you were in a room alone with most of the people who post on here, you would be quiet as a mouse. I know a few folks here. We’re here to empathize with each other. If you like causing pain, why don’t you direct it towards someone who deserves it like people who do hate crimes and sexual assault? THOSE people deserve your childish tirades, not people who are looking for empathy from others. I hope that your life is TRULY as good as you portray it to be because I’D LOVE to have your life. I really would. I wouldn’t have to have had to deal with my personal pains for the last number of years. Her demons have become mine. Her relationship with that shitbag has cost me money for her counseling and she has trust issues with me because of him. So if you think that this is JUST about a dick in a hole… isn’t. FAR from it. I TRULY hope your life if as good as you think it is because I have to stop myself from putting a bullet in my head every morning because of what my wife puts me through.

  173. CaptainSpar says:

    ” A real man has compassion. A real man feels empathy. ”

    And yet you feel like your wife has “trapped you in a loveless marriage” because some other dick went inside of her when she didn’t know you.

    Lol…you’re fucking stupid and you’re incredibly pathetic. Why do I come on here? Because I’ve been with MANY women and I know what women really feel when they have casual sex etc to help little inexperienced bitches like you when you get married.

    Grow the fuck up, and get a pair.

  174. CaptainSpar says:

    Fine…so it isn’t about another dick inside her? Now you’re basically trying to pass it off as – my wife is tormenting me in marriage. She “does not trust me” and she is so horrible? Then please tell us…REAL MAN – why on earth did you marry a woman that has this many problems in terms of compatibility with you? Was she that intoxicating in her beauty that you committed EVERYTHING to her…

    Are you now trying to say your wife is HORRIBLE to you. And what are her “demons” These MAGICAL DEMONS. It really is just a dick in a hole isn’t it? Since it’s FAR from it, you’re basically saying your CURRENT relationship has been ULTIMATELY AFFECTED by her past relationship ENTIRELY?

    Is this what you seriously want to say?

    You know you’re being quite the hypocrite. “I love her….It’s not about a dick in a hole…she’s horrible and ‘puts me through’ sooo much”

    What has she PUT YOU THROUGH? Maybe if you told a clearer picture (and I’ve READ EVERY COMMENT ON HERE) you wouldn’t be portrayed as some dick in the hole bitch.

    You waited? Fine. She didn’t. DID SHE LIE TO YOU THAT SHE DID? DID SHE SAY SHE GAVE YOU HER VIRGINITY THEN SAY SHE DIDNT? If the answer is NO, AND NO – THEN how exactly…did she ‘trap you’


    Answer real man questions. Empathy is earned in the head of the rational…not the mind of the boy.

  175. CaptainSpar says:

    ONLY THING I SEE that is a problem:

    “She has said his name during sex and denies it. She says that she hates him, but when she saw him him in public she didn’t let me know that I had just met him.”

    During sex WITH HIM OR WITH YOU? If she said it with him…then so what? She thought he cared about her, she was wrong. Why are you such a cold little fucker?

    Now the public thing……yeah thats pretty bad…I would call her ass out on that.

  176. etc says:

    You’re a pathetic moron. Goodbye.

  177. CaptainSpar says:

    Lol…what a boy

  178. Jegsy Scarr says:

    @CaptainSpar: Are you frickin serious? You think he’s a “boy”? You’ve been calling him every insult under the sun, using disgusting language to describe sex, and he’s the boy?! Granted, he’s not been very mature himself, and he’s insulted you too. There’s blame on both sides here. But it’s pretty low of you to treat him that way when anyone can see he’s hurt and going through a hard time in his marriage. And then to call him immature when your own conduct hasn’t exactly been courteous.

  179. CaptainSpar says:

    Deal with it. He’s not very mature to his wife, why should I be mature to him?

  180. Morgan says:

    This article explains everything. I’m 18, and my first and only person I’d ever had sex with happens to be my husband, that I just married a few months ago. I love him very much, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him but, I feel like I’ll never get over his past. I hate it. It rips me apart inside, and I’ve never felt so much pain. I feel like I’ll never get over it…:'(
    I really wish I could’ve had sex with someone before him, THEN got with him.
    It wouldve saved so much heartache.
    But people, your not alone if your hurting..:'(

  181. CaptainSpar says:

    “I really wish I could’ve had sex with someone before him, THEN got with him.”

    This means you would have…why are you blaming him for it? Did he want to fuck those other girls? If so..that’s sad you married him

  182. Matt Wilkinson says:

    I’ve been bashed and rejected by women in my church over my sexual history. I was, very tall and grotesquely thin with a sunken face from elementary to tenth grade. I got a weight set and got up to 150 pounds of muscle. By mid college, I had gotten to 200+ pounds of muscle at a height of six foot three. My face filled in more, my jawline was more chiseled, I looked more youthful, and suddenly women seemed to adore me. So after years of feeling unattractive, I returned some of the flirting and ended up having sex. It turned into a near two year relationship and everyone knew we were doing it. I was faithful to her but she acted like I should not have been as gifted in the bedroom as I was if I was inexperienced. According to her Co workers, I had been giving her the O regularly. Praise or not, it did hurt that she talked about it. Her jealousy and obsession for me killed our relationship. I’ve done some things since then and have returned to Christ earlier this year and quit premarital sexual relations. When I try to date a good Christian woman, I either get turned down or insulted because of my sexual history. Some of them were… ahem less than pure. I have other qualities far more rare than virginity. I’m nice, kind, patient, caring, generous, mostly selfless, forgiving, patient, loving, hardworking and strong willed, but never a pushover. These Christian women end it before they can ever know these things about me. I’m not going to whine about it. The right woman will accept me for the decisions I’ve made. I’m still disease free but I learned from my choices. I know the right woman will come so while being hit over the head with my sexual past stings, I know she is out there. If a woman can’t accept me because I’m not a virgin, I feel it’s her right to make that choice but it is also her loss.

  183. CaptainSpar says:

    ^ Can you blame them for you wanting some other girl before them in a very heated relationship?

    I don’t think its so much about your virginity…but your emotional virginity. Which you can’t deny.

    You wanted to bang some other chick, and it didn’t work out..own up to it and realize any woman that will accept you now will be a non-virgin that isn’t very Christian.

  184. Alisha says:

    i read your article and can really relate to it – insecurity, jealousy, feeling betrayed and let down, etc.
    Ive been dating someone for past 2 years, he’s 12 years older than me. He’s been married before has 2 kids and other long term relationships so I’ve known he has a past/baggage. His past bothered me but not so much and so i thought with time il get over it. We do make each other very happy and have fallen in love, both plan to spend our life together. Only problem is now i know its for life, questions keep popping into my head about his past. Not sure where my insecurities started from, maybe they were always there but i had them buried for a long enough or maybe its because ive never truly loved someone like i love him so cant bare the thought of him with someone else.

    I seen a statistic recently that on average a man has 10 sexual partners in his lifetime. what is your views on this?
    it got me thinking overtime so I asked my boyfriend how many sexual partners he’s had, he looked surprised, hesitated and then said he couldn’t remember. Its really bothered me that he cant remember or even if he does know wasn’t willing to say, obviously making me think the worst. He’s a very private person and always gets defensive when talking about his past/ex’s/kids etc therefore so many questions remain unanswered.
    This really bothered me so I expressed my upset and we both agreed to discuss this next time wr together. Although i want to know the truth because feel i have right to know this information of the man i plan to marry, especially since i’ve waited and its a big deal for me. Also plan to ask him if he’s had one night stands/ever slept with prostitute. Im scared once i know the facts will i be able to accept it or him or will the relationship fall apart. i dont want to feel insecure jealous etc but someone them feelings take over.

    please help.

  185. CaptainSpar says:


    Your man most definitely fucked and wanted to be with a lot of women before you. If you’re a virgin, I implore you to find a like-minded man. However, keep in mind your man may not be lying to you..which takes a big set of balls…at the same makes it VERY hard to believe if he loves you truthfully..or just “loves you now”

    I know you have fallen in love…but don’t confuse LOVE for INFATUATION with the wrong man. I personally don’t like the concept of a significant other having 20 or so significant others. Signals someone who has a mental defect..or issues and needs to be avoided and not analyzed (unless you have the time for that shit…pardon my french).

    End of the day…seek someone LIKE YOU…with the same set of VALUES LIKE YOU. If you’re a virgin, don’t sleep with this guy who just “Wants it” just because he’s too insecure of a boy. Find a man who brings VALUE to the table and not for the WRONG reasons.


  186. JW says:

    I have only been with my bf for a short period of time. He is not a virgin, but he has kept very clean and has very high standards. I, on the other hand, have slept with multiple ppl, some of who me I had no emotions for. He knows some of the people I have been with and had emotions for and they aren’t the greatest of people. He often gets so angry that I simply gave myself to these trashy guys and he, who is amazing, has to work to it. Makes him feel inferior and disgusting.

    He hates my past and it hurts him greatly. He loves me and wants to b w me, but he can’t seem to get over this disgust and anger for my past. I love him and am trying everything I can to help him feel better, but I am at a loss.

    Like the arrival said, we know it hurts because he cares about me, but that doesn’t make it not hurt…

  187. HerPast says:

    Mike, My current girlfriend told me about her past and admit she had sex many times, including oral, vaginsl and even anal 3 times with the one she lost her virginity to. She wants to marry bu i cant stand the fact that others had sex with her. I had sex with her only. I love her but the thought of marrying her knowing she didnt los her virginity with me haunts me every night… What should i do mike?

  188. Trayvon says:

    “either you are going to marry this person, in which case you will have far more and freakier sex with them than they ever had with any ex. ”

    This is my problem. And it’s really making me feel like I should just say “screw it” and have sex with as many girls as possible.

    Me and my girlfriend are both virgins… kind of. We have has oral sex together. She told me that she has had oral sex before me and that, though I asked and she respected me with honesty, he was better than me. So it made me wonder. Could someday I NEVER measure up to this other guy she was with? Will I always be the drone she marries because I dont cheat on her but who she will always cherish the oral of the other guy?

  189. Mike says:

    @Trayvon- A $20 bet says that her ex was winging it in that department. If you put some effort, thought, and practice into learning how to be really, really good at it…then you will destroy him (and set a standard for all future guys) easily.

  190. Hans Solo says:

    Hey Mike, very helpful article. I feel EXACTLY all of these. I’ve fallen for this girl. We’re 24 yrs old right now. She really seems perfect and we get along so well. I think were really perfect for each other. At start, she seemed to me this beautiful sweet girl who acted like an innocent kid, just laughing about the little things and always smiling. She really won my heart. We both have had 2 serious relationships before. The difference is that I always wanted that fairy tale scenario. I waited and didn’t have sex with my past girlfriends, although we probably fooled around a lot, but as a pretty conservative guy who took relationships and sex seriously, i really never became too wild. However, she recently just told me about some of her sexual past. She already knew the reaction I would give her, which was disappointment and pain as she knows the kind of guy I am which she actually loves. The thing is, I know that it actually is my issue but it just is so hard to take away the pain every time i think of it. She’s had a lot oral sex with both her partners and has even done a little of 69. Her having oral sex/69 hurts me a lot more than her doing sex itself since I find it demeaning, dirty and unnatural – something you normally see in porn. She told me that at first she was hesitant and was forced by her first ex-bf, but thought it was a better alternative than having intercourse itself. She said she didn’t really enjoy it but wanted to make her ex-partners happy since she didn’t wanna give up her virginity and wanted to wait for the perfect guy. With her 2nd ex boyfriend, she was convinced by him to have sex with him after so many attempts and so she gave in just to appease her 2nd bf. She’s only had sex with him for around 7 times and said that it always felt mechanical to her. Every time they did it, it didn’t seem to arouse her as she just let her partner enjoy and do what he did. She actually never had an orgasm yet and think that maybe because she didn’t feel it was right when they did it. Her overall feeling about it right now is that she actually feels guilty and embarrassed and kept on telling me that she wish she had met me earlier so I could’ve showed her my principles which she actually looks up to and wanted to adopt. She loves how pure my values are and she feels bad since I was strong enough to wait, and she wasn’t. I told her that I didn’t want her to feel that just because that was what my heart wanted to hear, but she was actually genuine in telling me that she truly and wholeheartedly regrets the decisions that she made. She’s a very passive girl who is easily swayed by pressure, thus her being forced to do all those things for her partners. I know she is still the same beautiful girl but sometimes my heart keeps on messing with me, thinking of how a dirty and wild person she is. I will keep reading your article again and again and I do believe someday, hopefully as soon as possible, I will not be bothered by her past already. Any thoughts? 🙂 thank you so much

  191. Lana says:

    Great article wish I had it to reference in my last relationship. This is very publishable.

  192. Tom says:

    Excellent article… the difference (a big one in fact), It´s that im a non-waiter too. But the article pictures exactly my feelings… so i think it´s even worse for me, cuz im being hypocrite about the things i rage about. I guess it may co-relate in some way to this. The thing is im 22 and shes 20. For her age, she had ,if i recall correctly, twice the amount of sexual partners than i did, so she is shared in more pieces than i am, thus making me feel less important. Tho it´s not the only factor (there are more things with which i identify myself across the text). So…

    1) Mike, does this make any sense?
    2) if it does, what would your advice be? Thank you in advance.

    P.d. Sorry if my english it´s awful, im from Argentina. Cya

  193. P says:

    Ive been with my partner for 11months and just found out that one of his sexual partners used to be a good friend of mine. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this as I had no idea that they even talked. It was before we got together but it’s way too close to home for me to be ok with this quickly. How can I move on and forget about this? I no longer talk to her, I haven’t for a while (simce before I found this out) but I did when it happened.

  194. Nicole says:

    I kinda wish I’d read this story a couple years ago. My current boyfriend and I were a waiter non waiter pair. Then I got jealous, depressed and upset for multiple reasons but one being that he had done that. So I slept with him. Spoiler alert, I was still jealous. He’d only slept with one other girl and it was a long term relationship, but it was painful and I felt I couldn’t talk about it. Eventually I managed to muddle through this with no help. And now I’m terrified because his mom literally walked in on us yesterday. Now we both feel guilty and she gave us ideas for other ways we could spend our time. I sorta expected we would have to do x amount of hail mary’s and our fathers but she just made us say we would try to stop. Oddly enough, he’s more okay with it than I am. I’m just scared he’ll leave me after awhile if there’s no incentive left. It must have been Divine Providence that kept me a virgin this long. With twelve boyfriends in four years to his only other, I should be the flight risk. But I guess since I never slept with another and I saw this early on as a prerequisite, seeing him as I should is hard. He stayed with one girl for three years. In that time, I made it one year with one person who had me beaten into submission. He was manipulative. My current boyfriend is the first real true love I’ve had and I suppose that scares me like everything else right now.

  195. Nicole says:

    I’m sorry if it’s wrong to post on here as someone who obviously fell short. I just wonder what your advice is for us trying to turn back around without breaking up.

  196. lisa says:

    my boyfriend and I have been dating since February 2013 we are very much in love. we are both virgins and plan to keep it that way till after we get married. the problem is that I have HAD two guy friends in the past in which we have been very close as in just having dry sex witout penetration. we never got to the point of being boyfriend and girlfriend as i didn’t want to take that step because they had introduced me to this act that I was uncomfortable with. one of them even wanted to please me orally ans he convinced me by taking off my clothes pants himself and trying it on me. even after I said no no no. I was scared. I then decided to cut them off case I didn’t like being in hat kind of relationship. Then I met my current boyfriend and he made me forget about these other guys from the past. I now feel like I have found my true love and he doesn’t rush me into doing things like that. Im frightened to tell him about my past that I had with those other guys because I really don’t wanna loose him. I don’t want him to think bad of me but I have this feeling that I need to tell him now before we get married. I want to be honest and truthful to him all the time and I don’t want to hide anything from him. how can I tell him this without loosing him please help me. I know I have found someone verye special I don’t want to hurt him cause I love him so!

  197. Sandra says:

    “Hey, this guy knows what he’s doing” 🙂

  198. John says:

    Lisa: You have done nothing wrong so stop worrying right now. You have saved your virginity for your future husband, period. Why do you feel that you must tell him? Is it because he has asked you and you weren’t 100% honest? If that is the case, I understand that you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t. Show me a person who has been in multiple medium to long-term relationships who hasn’t done more than kiss and hug. According to Christian beliefs, anything more than hugging and kissing is considered sin (before marriage) so we are all guilty. The fact that this was between you and friends is really not relevant. It was probably better than doing the same with a stranger you just met at a club. Jesus knows human nature and knows what’s in your heart. The fact that you may have done some things that you are ashamed of, doesn’t change what is in your heart. You know in your heart that you are waiting for your husband so that you can have a lifetime of sexual fulfillment rather than fleeting sexual experiences that can leave a person, hurt, ashamed, confused and let down.
    Are you worried that you are not 100% pure? Well, non of us are. Not even your boyfriend, sorry to say.
    My advice is this: Do not get into the details of your past with your boyfriend. He knows you have remained a virgin because it is something you value. If you bring up the details, it will only hurt him and you. If he says he must know, tell him that a couple of guys tried to take it too far but you put a stop to before it went any further. Do not mention any names, places or dates. Be as vague as you can while letting him know that you waited for him (if he becomes your husband). He will admire you for your strength in fighting off guys that wanted to have intercourse with you.

    Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And just to finish the thought above. God and Jesus see each one of us as 100% PURE. When we have a “smudge” whether big or small, he wants to wipe it off. If you feel that you have this “smudge” ask him to wipe it off by asking for forgiveness. Again don’t worry, you are pure!

    PS: I feel that non-waiters believe there is no difference between having intercourse and doing: “everything but”. I believe there is a BIG difference. What does everyone think? I pose the question not in Gods eyes (sin is sin) but in the human/emotional sense.

  199. John (a different than before) says:


    You told the guy friends no multiple times. If this is true, this is a sexual assault on you. Your current boyfriend may be very distressed if you tell him of this. However, this is because he cares for you. What will bother him most about this is that it was harmful what these other people did to you. I’m glad you cut those earlier “friends” (quotes b/c they weren’t) out of your life. If this does not happen with your current bf I would question his integrity or his maturity. Perhaps maturity if he’s a teenager.

  200. sophia says:

    I want to share mine,..sir..I’m only 16 years old..and my boyfriend is already 25 years old..meaning we have 9 years age gap..we are in a long distance relationship and we just met in an online game..but our love to each other is very was year 2011 when we met and but not personally.because I know that my parents will forbid us .we had a relationship on the same year ..and after a year we decided to meet up personally..we met in a mall near their house. their we decided to go with their house to introduce me with his parents. and it happens..but let me admitt this..even though that we haven’t seen each other physically.we already have a plan of having ……. you in their house we did it..I have doubts not to admitt this but I need age was 15years old that time when I had lost my virginity yes we did it as we plans for it..and we did it many times up to now..but..I discovered lately about his past that he never ever told me. he even lied to me ..when I’m asking him if he’s still a virgin..he always answering yes..but now I know the truth already and my mind can’t get over with it..even I knew it for a 9 months already.,still when I’m thinking about it my tears will come out..and forcing myself to convince myself that I didn’t let a wrong man took everthing from me..and its so hard for me because no one can understand me..instead they will discriminate me for what stupid things I did for such a young age..please help me..I dont know what to do…I can’t seek advices from anybody here..I’m scared to scrutinize by public….

  201. sophia says:

    my comment didn’t appear 🙁 its too long to type again

  202. sophia says:

    please help me.. whenever I go to bed and sleep.. I can’t get over thinking my boyfriend having sex with another girl

  203. lisa says:

    thank you John for your reply I appreciate it very much! well I got to confess it to my boyfriend a few weeks ago because I really felt that i needed to let him know coming from me and not from those guys telling him in the future if they ever got a hold of him. I first prayed a lot because I didn’t want to loose him then I wrote him a letter telling him why I love him so much. I then read it to him in a private place and I told him about my past. I told him everything he needed to know (not going Into a lot of details like you said) he listened very patiently and calmly without interruption then he said he appreciated me being honest with him and me telling him also waiting till marriage and not giving into them. he said he knows I am a very special girl and never wanted to loose me the past is the past and we should never look back or talk about it again. I now feel that our love is somehow stroger than before. I’m so thankful with God:)

  204. Heather says:

    When I read this I immediately thought, “OMG, this is so me!” Except… the jealousy part. Most of it is what I’m experiencing, but the thing is, I’ve actually HAD sex with my partner. And even though I was a virgin when we did it (he’s the only person I’ve ever dated as well, so he’s my first EVERYTHING) he said I was really good at it. (Which I guess I should take as a compliment since he’s been with so many people he doesn’t even remember how many.) But I’m still really bothered by his past. I can’t get over it. I know he’s with me now and he loves me very much. I’m one of the only people he’s had MEANINGFUL sex with, so he says it’s wonderful with me, but I still feel insecure. Does anyone know what this might be stemming from?

  205. sophia says:

    I’m relate …

  206. Allison says:

    This article makes sense 100% and I understand the concept of it all but I have a really hard time forgiving my husband for his past. I saved myself for him and in his past he’s had more than a handful of. Sexual partners including one night stands and many many MANY nights spent at strip clubs. He hasn’t ever done anything like that since we met ever anytime I see a naked women or there’s a sex scene in a movie or strippers I can’t help but get so hurt about it and it breaks my heart everytime, how do I forgive him if it’s not like he was intentionally hurting me but I can’t help but get completely depressed over it?

  207. Robbie says:

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  208. Cassandra says:

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  209. TLT says:

    I’m currently with a guy I’m madly in love with. He’s had 5 sex partners (all “friends with benefits”; which BTW is CRAP) and he still hangs out with one of them. I’m not sure if I should be jealous of this or not, considering the fact that he told me that person was the best sexual experience of his life. To top it all off, I’m a virgin and full of so much insecurity as it is! How do I even deal with this?!

  210. Re:TLT says:

    I’d personally run away. Maybe one day he’ll break up with you and then say you were a FWB. If you still want to go with it, keep your eyes open and don’t have sex.

  211. TT says:

    I’m a guy.

    Hi everyone

    I am in a relationship which I never pictured would be like this at all. Its 5 months we together now. I am have to be honest I was never a waiter at all and never pictured waiting for any girl in my life.
    Until I met this one girl 4 years back (2009) and what I saw in her started to change me and made me realize what I was missing.

    I approuched her and proposed to her. I got rejected so many times I lost count. I just quited being a player a few months before and I was not a church going person and she was. I came out as a hell of a player in her eyes. She was 17 years at the time and I was 21 years. She was a waiter and the problem is she was grew up in the rural area and I came from a more adventaged area.

    She still rejected me so bad it was so painful. I got a girlfriend after a year and a half of rejection. I couldn’t have any sexual thing cos that waiter girl was always on my mind. And I kept proposing to the waiter girl.

    She was everything I wanted in my wife,m her personality, her mindset, her morals and the looks where a bounce. She was still a virgin and so pure.

    Even thow she rejected me for years I had hope and I changed my life to become better and left my old ways. She wasn’t any kinda girl I dated or even met, she was like a black diamond rare unique so high priced it became priceless. That’s how I felt about her that’s the reason I kept proposing and gettin rejected.

    2 years down the line after we met she accepted this church going guy who used drugs and was a acholic to be her boyfriend. I was shocked and they met febuary (2011) and april (2011) she gave him her viginity becos the guy threated to break up with her. They dated for 7 months than the guy had slept around with other girls at her church.

    They broke up and she moved on but still rejected me left and right. She got a new boyfriend couple months later but dat relationship didn’t last.

    She was a non-waiter now and she gave me a chance mid last year (2013) and we started dating couple of months later. It was magic at 1st than sexually and internally she was damaged by the virgin breaker. Now curse the day I met her becos she is not the girl I met and waited for, for 4 years ago.

    I don’t see that rare black diamond I fell for. She just looks like any girl I never gave a damn about. I wish I never bothered to wait for so long for the new her. The one girl I would move plants for treat herself like a normal girls who give it up without caring. That’s what I ran from in the 1st place.

    When I explain it to her she says she regrets dating her ex’s. She conversing that she saw a player when she saw me and we were from 2 different worlds, she tells me she loved ever sence we 1st met. I’m confused now, how do you love someone that you end up hurting yourself and deeply damage the guy who was there for years waiting.

    Now she says I met her as a virgin and she lost it how about I go on a virgin hunt? Will it help by anyways? Breaking someones virgin without loving them, is that fair?

    She promised not to talk to her virgin breaker months back, than 1st x-mas wishes where exchanged last chrismas and 2nd they spoke when it was her birthday, I begged her to please stop it becos I don’t trust easly but the 3rd time she wished him a happy birthday. Now I descovered his pictures on her laptop.

    I also have my past but it doesn’t disturb my present.

    Mike please help. I don’t want to lose her but emotionally I’m a wrack.

    Anyone got advise please help too.

  212. Cass K says:

    I found this article through a quick Google search and I’m hoping for some help/advice. I am a waiter who met a non-waiter. This was not an issue for me when we started dating, but the more serious the relationship got the more it bothered me. We are now engaged and getting married quite soon. Now it is a full blown issue for me. FYI: He has decided not to pressure me for sex and that he wants to wait until we are married because to him it is very special that I am a virgin and he never thought he would find someone like me.
    Some of the reasons / emotions mentioned in the article are spot on and explains it in a way I never could to my fiancé, other are not quite relevant to my feelings.
    The feeling related to me personally relates to WOUNDED PRIDE / JEASOUSY: I do feel that I’m only getting a teeny tiny part, but giving him every part of me. This makes me feel like I’m not special in any way and the wedding night or after will as a result be anything but special because I’m “sharing” him with everyone else and only have this little part of him, like I’m only going to be another notch in his belt. INSECURITY: I’m stressing that I’m not going to measure up or be good enough / satisfy him enough. That I’ll be mentally compared to his previous encounters. (He has told me that he never compares one girl to another).
    It’s not like I really expected to marry a virgin, but knowing there has been so many before me makes the bonding of two people after marriage on another level feel less special and a bit of a letdown. Here is one aspect that was not mentioned in the above article that is really difficult for me to explain and deal with, but perhaps some of you feel the same. It really bothers me that we won’t have anything to discover and experience together for the first time because he has really done everything already. I will never be the first woman to experience something with him for the first time, I will for an example never be the first girl to give him a BJ or have sex in a car or on a beach or have sex in this position or that position because he has done it all. This fact really kills me because in my mind if there is something new it would make me at least a little different or more special than all the others before me and something where he cannot compare me with anyone else. But there is nothing new. He once told me that I would be the first woman that he makes love to and not just have sex with, but he recently admitted that, that is not accurate because there was few he made love to and didn’t just have sex with, but it just didn’t turn out to be the right one in the long run. This also kills me because I sort of held on to that fact and that illusion is also shattered. In the article Mike says “And if you ask them, you might discover that they’d rather have saved it for you, and might even be pretty upset and self-conscious about it”, but my fiancé said that he doesn’t regret his past and wouldn’t change it because it made him who he is now and let him to me. It does hurt however that if he knew then what he does now and how the past hurts me that he wouldn’t have changed it if he could. Does this mean he doesn’t really love me even though he proposed when he was adamant that he would never marry when we first met? Does anyone relate to this or am I completely insane for feeling like this? Please give me some advice or words of wisdom!!!

  213. Maria says:

    Hello 🙂 First of all this is one of the best articles ever! congratulations, you really made your point and it helped at least for a few days(which is HUGE for me and my jealousy!). My problem is little bit different. I am with my bf for almost a year now.He’s been married for 8 years and had a son with this women,they have been divorced for more than 4 years. They talk only about their son,once a week, he sees his son on Sundays,for 3,4 hours and that is it. He was very honest and told me everything about his past,that was a mistake,he was young ect.But I am still having pics in my head of them as a family,and I hate when she calls(before she was terrible and anoying,in a few 2,3 months she stoped so she doesnt even call,he calls when he wants to know smth about his son).
    To sum up: We are really really in love,planning a futre together but i am sooo obsessing about his past life,and comparing EVERYTHING to it,and ofc his ex wife. Do you have some advice how to get it out of my sistem on a daily bases? cause even if im ok for a few days,it comes back always.
    I would really appreciate if you answer. Have a nice day 🙂
    p.s. sorry for my grammar,I am not american, I’m polish.

  214. Jonathan says:

    Hi Cass,

    You aren’t crazy for feeling like that. I’ve felt like that before. It hurts to feel like you’ve been robbed of the opportunity to share a first with the person you love. The simple fact that I wasn’t going to be the first was bad enough, but having to deal with loads of other things I wouldn’t be the first to do is even worse. I’ve been struggling with this for over a year on and off and i can tell you from mu experience that it’s not crazy to want something more. I would tell myself it was unfair that I feel for a woman who didn’t wait for me but ultimately it was my choice. You have to ask yourself if you can take it. The feelings of unfairness and emotional pain. If it is then try and work to cope with the past. I say cope because a lot of people say you need to move past it but I’m not sure people can just get past painful things, they just learn to cope. The past is past, that’s true but the pain it leaves in its wake makes it current and real.

  215. Sam says:

    This article was very much so a relief and an eye opener for me. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half and thought I knew about my partner’s past, that is until the other day I found out that it was much more extensive than I was originally told. While I was reading your article I felt like someone was laying down many of my own thoughts and feelings. Seeing it written out helped me identify exactly what I was feeling.
    My boyfriend and I had been talking about marriage and our life together for awhile, and had even looked at rings a few times. I had come to terms with what I thought was his past and was moving on and trying to focus on us. Now that I know about more I do feel all the things that you said. I feel betrayed, cheated on, less worthy, not important, not even special.
    From the time I was a little girl I always knew that I would wait until marriage. For me it is such a special and intimate act that should be done with love. As you said, I do feel that other people have a piece of him, such a special and intimate piece of him that I do wish was for me. It is as if I feel like these other people are walking around with a part of him and where I am giving him all of me, I only am left a small piece of him.
    I love him so much and I know that this is the reason why I am hurting so deeply. I feel like my heart has been shattered and that his future wife wasn’t important enough to him to wait for or even consider during those times.
    How do I not think about it in the future if we are meant to be? All I have are images of him and them running through my mind. How could something that is so meaningful to me in such a deep way be that carelessly thrown around by someone, especially someone who knew that one day they wanted to meet someone and marry them?

  216. Sam says:

    I just read your post and feel the same way. I don’t feel like there is anything new to discover with him if and when we get married. He too told me that he treasured my belief of waiting and wants to wait till we are married. Not only that, but my boyfriend also told me that if he could go back he wouldn’t change anything because it led him to me.
    It is with this last statement that I really feel hurt. I don’t think that all the people he has been with is what led him to me. We would’ve met/been set up without his previous encounters having happened. I know and feel the pain that you are also feeling. With him saying that even though he knows it hurts me and he would do it over again almost makes me feel like I truly am not important enough and that he prefers his experiences over me. This probably isn’t the case, but it certainly is how it make me feel.
    Like you, I never really expected to find another waiter to marry because that just unfortunately isn’t the way things are today. I hope everything works out the best for you and your healing process goes well.

  217. H says:

    Hi Mike,

    My girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now and we have grown to deeply care and love each other. We got along very well from the very beginning and she is very considerate, sweet, and overall very good to me and her family, but as we got to know each other over the past 7 months, it became evident that we come from a very different background. (She did not grow up in a Christian setting so our value systems and reasons for our actions are vastly different)

    As I noticed that our upbringing is very different, I wanted to get a better idea of what she was like before so I started asking questions about her past. So she told me her story.. that she started at a young age and has been with several guys and that most of them were one-two timers, but none were one-night stands. When I asked her why she hardly went for actual relationships, she responded with “I didn’t see any good relationships around me so I was not interested in a relationship during that time.” This troubled me a lot, even though I have been with few people in the past, but for the most part, I treated sex to be something that I don’t just throw around. But for her, she’s just had 1 real relationship. She was surprised to see how much this bothered me and felt bad because she cares for me. Then about a month after (just few days ago), she pull me aside to fill me in on the rest of the story.. that she was not being completely truthful because she was afraid that she will lose me. She told me that she has been with more than what she had told me, including few one-night stands, and couple of friends with benefits.

    Needless to say, I felt like I was hit by a freight-train when I heard this. If her past consisted of mostly real-relationships, I would feel much better about it, but considering that most of them were casual, I was worried that this girl does not know how to make a real-relationship work.

    My concerns are two things: 1. How can I get over her past and 2. How will her values and life-style manifest themselves in the future? Getting over her past is.. painful to say the least. But I know I need to so I am determined to get over this. What’s more concerning is how this will unfold, as we move forward into the future. On a bright side, she has been showing her desire to change and work on this relationship by being honest with me, which took courage, and looking into different ways of getting counseling together. I know that nothing is in certain in life and I’m a rather optimistic person, but there is so much at stake that I want to be realistic about this, while still being hopeful. Thanks Mike.

  218. Richie says:

    Wow, what an insightful article. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year and are getting pretty serious. We dated about 6 years ago but I just recently found out about her most recent sexual encounters; which were with a few good friends of mine. I’m still in the early stages of this process, but I hope to feel better about it soon!

  219. Nick says:

    Cass and Sam,

    I have been through ALL of the emotions you are going through. For me, at a fairly young age, I decided that I wanted to keep my virginity until my wedding night and then, I imagined a life with my wife where we
    loved each other so much that we would naturally desire to make love 3-5 times a week. My goal was to find a person with a heart of “gold” who had faith, good morals, good character and just an all around good person, and, who by nature, was a very “sexual” person like myself. I didn’t want someone who was a virgin who couldn’t care less about sex.

    My wife lost her virginity at age 19. She was the classic example of a girl who was pressured into sex with a “bad-boy” type she was dating at the time. It wasn’t a long term relationship. They were only together for a 2 1/2 months. Basically, her reasoning was that she felt she was ugly and over weight and this guy must have seen something he really loved in her. He told her he loved her…..Anyway, this was about 2 years before we started dating. From the very beginning of our relationship, her past bothered me a great deal. we broke up several times over this one issue. She even told after we were dating well over a year, that even though she loved me and wanted to work through this, she would let me go over this issue because she knew how important it was to me. I need to add that she expressed many times to me that she was ashamed at what she did, that it was and always will be the biggest mistake of her life but that it was her choice in the end and she would have to live with that regret. Sounds like a pretty open and shut case, right? Wrong. Deep in my heart I didn’t believe her. Yes, she definitely changed her ways but I would always ask myself if the change was because of me. I just couldn’t believe that someone could allow themselves to be used unless they didn’t have a strong conviction about “virginity” to begin with.

    After some pre-marriage counseling with a pastor, where he reminded me (and her) that God is all forgiving, especially when someone is as deeply sorry as she was, I decided that I must forgive her too. So I did. So I thought. The Pastor told me that it was my problem now, not hers and advised me that I should never bring it up again. So I didn’t. On our wedding day as I waited at the alter for her, her past came to my mind. I wasn’t mad, just a little sad because this was the day that I had always dreamed of. On our wedding night, it came to my mind. Again, not mad, not even that sad, just a little bummed that this was supposed to be the time where we stumble and bumble through it a little. (which we still did. )On our honeymoon I thought about it, not in an obsessive way like I used to, but it was just there. I think I thought about it everyday for the first 10 years of marriage, but I never said anything. I think I believed that when life events started happening, marriage, houses, children, jobs and other things, it would go away. It never did. Finally, 5 years ago, after 15 years of marriage she figured out that something was wrong. She basically, got it out of me that what she did so long ago was tearing me up inside.

    I am sorry but I will need to finish this later. The bottom line it that we have worked through everything. Before we got engaged, every time I would bring it up, she would “shut down” and not be able to handle the pain it caused. Now, after fully trusting each other, we could really talk it through and that has helped so much. There is hope,but not until there is 100% trust. If you believe that all of the emotions you are feeling today will go away, they might, but at some point they will resurface. You need to deal with everything right now. If you have a problem with something now, you will have that same problem 10 years from now. It is like a cancer that will eat at you until it is either killed or kills you.

    Good luck to you. Let me know if you have any questions.


  220. Nick says:

    Nick here again. I really believe that people like myself, who have a problem with their partners past, have to be very honest with themselves first and then completely honest with their partners. While my wife thought I had forgiven her and my silence reassured her that I had gotten over it, I hadn’t. I secretly harbored distain for her and his actions. I loved everything about her, everything, except what she had done with that guy. Through a lot of counseling, I realized that I must love that about her also. It was very difficult to love something I was totally against. I had to change the way I thought about it. Before we met, I had been madly in love with a girl who was a very strong Christian and was committed to remain a virgin until her wedding night. I ended up getting my heart broken very badly. I held on to the hope that she would see the light and come back to me which she never did. In looking back, if she would have wanted to have sex and I knew that it would “bind” us closer together because of her convictions,
    I probably would have. Meaning, I would have let my need to be loved by her, to overshadow my wanting to remain a virgin. I never let my anger and resentment consider the fact that my wife really loved that guy and that she imagined marrying him some day. It was only when we were completely honest with each other, that I saw that she was in a very similar place as I was; desperate to hold on to someone. Before,
    all I could see was the surface of things, ie. age 19, dating a guy for 2 months, letting her self get used. It sounded like the majority of
    young adults these days; guys looking for the type of girls who will “give it up”. I couldn’t see past that. All I could see was that she was just like everybody else and I didn’t want just anybody.
    Today, my wife and I have a very special marriage. The level of intimacy we share is very high in all ways; emotional, spiritual and physical. I am so lucky. During all those years when I was bummed about her past, I new that most men would take her in a second. It was very humiliating for me to know that most men wouldn’t care about her past. It bothered me that I was bothered by it but it bothered her even more. She expressed many times that she didn’t want someone who couldn’t care less about her past, she cared about it very much.

    A couple tips that have worked very well for us: We pray together everyday. I pray for her, she prays for me and we pray for our children and others in our life. First, it is the deepest form of intimacy you can share with a person. When someone is praying with sincerity, it is a window to their soul. I also pray alone. I found that even in the hardest moments, it is very difficult to be resentful of someone or mad at someone you are praying for. That really helped our path to healing.
    Cass, I don’t know what to say to you if your fiancé isn’t bothered by his actions. If you think he should be, due to your convictions, then you might have a problem going forward. I can’t stress it enough, if it bothers you now, no marriage ceremony, new house, new job, children,
    finances, death of a parent or anything else will make you forget.
    (I actually thought that when we tried to create new life by having a child together, that would certainly be the special thing that she had never experienced with another man and hence, make me forget. It didn’t. As we went through life experience that normally draw people closer together due to stronger bonding, it actually made things worse for me.) Again, you have to love everything about them, not just accept, but LOVE!!
    If you believe that he has all of the other qualities you are looking for which may or may not include a kind heart, loving soul, good father/son/husband, good financial potential that would offer stability, but this issue still bothers you, it most likely will never go away unless it is dealt with now.
    If you research divorce rates, the larger the number of sexual partners
    for either spouse, the higher the divorce rate. If someone doesn’t “know any better” why would they want to stray outside the marriage. It is when they have had many partners that they begin to realize what else is out their. Maybe your fiancé had unbelievable sex with someone who “wasn’t marriage material” That memory will stay with him forever. Do you think that he might remember that when you two are going through the inevitable tough times? Of course he will. Will he ever act on it? I hope not but if he was able to have sex with someone’s future wife, might he be more apt to stray?
    Another bottom line: Is sex before marriage a sin? Does your fiancé believe it is a sin? Sin always hurts someone! God does not want us hurt! If your fiancé doesn’t believe that what he did was a sin that’s fine. But ask him if anyone may have been hurt by his actions. Did one of the girls believe that she was used by him, is she living with any regret over it? Would the girls father have approved? if he knew would he be hurt? The girls mother? Her future husband? Her future children. How about his future wife? She is suffering over this. If he does not believe it was a sin or at least wrong, then you have to show him how it has hurt you or someone else.

    There are many people who don’t consider premarital sex a sin. They can have that OPINION but the facts prove that it is, because someone get’s hurt. In today’s world, children are hurt every day over their parents divorces. Because the higher number of sexual partners the higher the divorce fact, multiple sexual partners hurts families and thus, children. While there are many other reason’s for divorce, I don’t believe the statistics can be ignored.

    Cass, it sounds like you are not on the same page as your fiancé when it comes to the issue of premarital sex. What issues are you on the same page about? Are there things more important than a person’s honor, character, morals etc. I am not saying that he is a bad person at all, I’m thinking that maybe he doesn’t really understand and that maybe you are overlooking some things because of some benefits you might get out of marrying him. Is that possible?

    I’m just trying to make sure people realize that “time” doesn’t heal all wounds. Trust, truth, forgiveness and love are the things that heal.

    Good luck to you all!


  221. Curtis says:

    Thank you for taking the time to write this my girlfriend and I are not virgins but ive had a hard time dealing with her sexual past we are very much in love so I really wanted to get a handle on my feelings and emotions so I dont destroy our relationship your words have helped me a lot thank you so much

  222. Lol says:

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  223. Samantha says:

    I love this article. Reading the comments have also helped in some ways and then in some ways have not. So, here is my story.

    I was a “waiter” and so was my ex boyfriend. We both had decided that we wanted to have sex about three months after we had been dating (I was 21 and he was 20.) We had talked about our future together and I was really convinced we would last. Unfortunately, we did not. I was deeply hurt. However, I realize now how unfit we were and I am glad that it has ended.

    I met my current boyfriend back in March. We started dating, being physical, etc. We had disclosed our sexual histories together while at lunch. I told him that I had had sex with one guy who was my boyfriend and messed around with another guy who was not. He then disclosed to me that he had sex with 13 girls prior to me. He said they had all been relationships between the ages of 15-22. At first I was okay with this, and our relationship was so wonderful. However, trouble began to start when I left for a family emergency.

    I went to Connecticut for three weeks. It was hard with all the stress that had been going on and I was really missing my boyfriend to the point it was hurting. Then I started having all these thoughts that 13 girls prior to me had shared a piece of my boyfriend and that I was just number 14. I had actually even began thinking about breaking up with him because it was eating away at me and I didn’t want to torture him by bringing up his past so many times. I was tortured by my own mind. I was tortured, not for the fact that I was picturing how he was sexually with other girls because I was thinking, “Wow, 13 is a lot of girls.” I was tortured because my. Number was so low and his was so high. I went from being with a virgin (my ex) to being with someone with more experience (my current boyfriend.)

    This man has already had a rough past as it is. Once we get more serious with each other he wants to disclose his testimony to me because he has recently (within the last couple of years) chose to follow Christ. He is so wondeful. He is a gentleman, a romantic, goofy, and intelligent man who has really turned his life around. I am not blind to the fact that we are human and we have sinned quite a few times together. But we have really been talking about waiting until we get married to have sex again.

    Sometimes we as Christians forget that we were made in God’s image and are called to be Christ like. We are supposed to be forgiving, loving, etc. to everyone even if they have done. Us wrong. We also have to remember that just because you have chosen to remain a virgin does not always mean that you are promised a virgin. People stray from the path of God. I know I have, but God still forgives me for all the things that I have chosen to do that disobey him. So, why are we so quick to pass judgment onto someone who has also strayed away from the path of God?

    Trust me, this is easier said than done. It is hard to overlook someone’s past and move on. I would be lying if I said that I was not still struggling with this with my current boyfriend. It is hard and not an easy task to control your wild thoughts and imagination. Like I said, I struggle more with the number than I do with anything else. I accept all the advice and tips as often as I can. I know that this is a major struggle for many and I have a long road ahead of me. But I realize that what I have with him is something special and I am willing to fight for it as long as I can manage because we were all meant to love and be loved. Just because he has been with many girls prior to me, does not mean he is unloveable especially since he is trying to walk his life out with Christ just as you and I are.

    I hope this helps and sheds some light for some of you. If any have been or in my situation now I would greatly appreciate the advice and tips!

    God bless you all.

  224. Google@MissChristiLuv says:

    LMAO I knew I wasn’t the only one!! I f*ing KNEW it!!! Thank youuuuuu soooooo much lol!!! It’s those little moments of moral validation from others that just REALLY rock your world unexpectedly sometimes lol ^_^ Hi-5 to all these wonderful people who write these wonderful personal honest human insights! I <3 U ALL LOL! God Bless!! I wish I could share all these articles on Twitter!!! 😉

  225. Thank You says:

    I cannot express my thanks enough for this article. I’ve been struggling with these feelings for about 10 months. I felt like I was going crazy. I met this guy, the most amazing guy in the universe, well really, he found me. And we started dating about a year and a half ago. It was obvious to us from the start that this was no average relationship, and after about 5 months, we got engaged. I had asked about his past, and he had told me he had been with one other, and though it hurt, I knew that before we became serious, but over the months, when it would come up, I would catch discrepancies in his stories, and at 10 months he finally told me the whole truth, that he had been with 4 other girls before me. I was his number 5 and he was my number 1. It was a horrible moment, followed by many strained weeks and his very liberal family hated me(and still do) for having threatened to leave. I got over my moment of craziness, of course I didn’t want this relationship to end, and we spent a long time trying to put it behind us, but those feelings kept coming back. I felt so angry, then guilty, for hurting him, for bringing it up…again. For never really being able to let it go. I kept having thoughts like “if I really loved him, then I could forgive that, and it wouldn’t bother me anymore.” And I would say I could forgive, but it would still bother me, and he would sense it, and we would both feel bad. I tried to find solace on other sites, to connect with other people who went through the same thing and could offer me some way to feel better about all of this. Something to have it stop bothering me so much. But every site I went on was saying that people that care about their partner’s sexual history for anything other than health reasons are these immature, selfish, and controlling partners. Your article really got to the root of it. You picked apart each emotion spectacularly and your interpretations and advice hit me in a very personal way. The picture of the blood smeared/flaming Cinderella kiss scene actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you, for helping me to better understand what I was feeling and why, and for offering very real advice to get over it, not because we’re horrible people, but because we are real people and there are relationships that are worth it.

  226. F_A says:

    Hi Mike

    I consider myself as a strong minded individual. The only exception is the subject of this article upon which this article has helped me immensely. Your insight into the mind and emotions is extremely impressive and your wording accommodate all people. I am fascinated by the brilliance of this article and you deserve a big thank you.

    Having a best friend for many years, falling in love with her and then eventually becoming mutual to the point where we are finally together, I want nothing to damage the relationship. When having these episodes I will definitely take a peak at this article.

    I am a software developer as well – in South Africa. I wish you the best in your effort with psychological study. It seems cut out for you.

    Do you have a blog/contact method for which I may read more articles ?

  227. Nagol says:

    Wow alot of you so called christians are showing your true hypocritical colors once again. How the hell if you’re a waiter and if you’re dating a non-waiter and they tell you their sexual past you get mad, jealous, and bitter?? Umm hello!! Didn’t your significant other tell you that he or she was not a virgin??

    If you’re a waiter in this day in age don’t expect your partner to be a virgin I’m sorry!! Adult virgins nowadays are very very very rare. I don’t have a problem with people waiting until marriage to have sex and follow God’s traditional rules. But don’t judge non-waiter people that had sex before marriage or put yourselves on this purity holier than thou pedestal like you’re better than anybody else. This is why athiests, other religions, or christians don’t associate with christians like you guys because of this holier than thou attitude. It’s sickening, disgusting, and pathetic.

    Virginity doesn’t make you pure in any kind of shape or form. You are a human being that was born into sin just like everybody else. And also the nerve and audacity of you virgins would actually break up or not date a non-waiter just because they had sex?? Really?? I didn’t know their were extreme self-righteous virgins like this.

    1. First of all people nowadays would not even look your way twice if you said that you was saving yourself for marriage because it is a waste of time and people need to know everything about you before marrying you. Hence “test drive the car before buying” or “trying out the shoes before you buy.”

    2. Second of all, If you are a waiter and you get involved into a relationship with a non-waiter. If they are down to waiting out before marriage you should be very very happy and appreciative of the fact that somebody in this day and age will even sacrifice and go that far!! That is a humongous compromise. If you don’t compromise your non-waiters sexual past and get over it then you obviously have some self inconsiderate issues that you need to workout and you deserve to be miserable and lonely with that bad attitude.

    So you as a waiter til marriage wants somebody to compromise and you respect your moral and values. But you as a waiter that dates a non-waiter who is willing to wait for you and respect til marriage, can’t compromise the fact that your partner had a few sexual partners in their life before they met you and even existed??

    Guys get real you guys are not only living in a fantasy but also are being selfish and unfair to yourselves and your love ones.

    3. In the bible Jesus says “don’t judge unless you want to be judged.” So waiters and virgins, do all of us and including yourself a favor. Get off your holier than thou high horses. Start living life, take advantage of your free will and seek out the journey of life. Have a open minded for once and explore your thoughts.

  228. nilima says:

    I am a newly married girl. It’s about 4 month of my marriage. I had many affairs before marriage but never had physical relation with anybody. Now my husband does not believe that. One more thing that when we do our 1st sex it was very painful for me but we don’t find any blood. Can anyone help me how could I prove to him that I was never sleep with anyone before?

  229. Silent says:

    I’m sorry, Nagol, but it just sounds like you’re trying to justify your own compulsions, sinful or not.

    It’s not wrong to want someone to be as virtuous and moral as one’s self. There are many people out there, myself included, that expect only the best in ourselves and in others. If I didn’t feel bad when those values or morals were betrayed or broken, I wouldn’t rightfully be able to claim that I actually believe in them.

    You tell people to “get off their high horses”, on a site that is explicitly for people on horses, on an article for people trying to stay on that horse or trying to get back on it. There are plenty of people walking around that aren’t on horses that share you sympathies; trust me, that kind of thinking is actually the majority in this case. So you don’t need to come in here and tell people about how your perspective is somehow better than theirs, or that they’re wrong in wanting someone as pious and virtuous as they are, or that they need to “get real”.

    And for those who choose to wait, this isn’t an invitation to be inconsiderate or uncompromising. There are those who have or, in the past, have had different perspectives surrounding love and sex, and it’s important to understand what those differences are when we engage with each other. Don’t let your actions be the result of anger, jealousy, fear, or betrayal. Love, too, is a strong emotion: let your actions be guided by love.

  230. Anonymous says:

    My girlfriend had a boyfriend. She went second base with him and nothing more than that i.e. still virgin. But it bothers me. I had no past like this but she has thats why. She love me a lot though but still her images doint stuff with him in my mind kills me. What to do?

  231. Andrew says:

    Holy shit I have finely found a good read that has helped me.
    I got real sick of the same bullshit answers saying the past is the pas let it go and that it’s none of my business!
    Fuck that!! that does not help me when I see them while I’m with my girl down the street

    Thinking like this almost ended it all with her.
    I’m so happy now that I can finely move on and have the best relationship I’ve ever had!

  232. Z says:

    I have been engaged to a divorcee for one year. I had been a waiter before I met him. I wouldn’t say I was an angel. I did some foreplay with a few guys but never to the extent of penetration. My fiancé has 5 kids from his past marriage. It never bothered me before we got engaged. Then onwards it became a scary vicious cycle of insecurity and jealousy as I questioned him about his sexual past with his ex-wife. He said he has never been in love with her and only married her because she proposed to him and he had just ended a 9 year non-sexual relationship since school. They got married at the age of 21. Of course he had never done a lot of things he did with me, she admitted to that. Like how he cooks for me every single meal of the day and even spends his lunch break to see me at home. Our intimacy differs to theirs too – also i found out as I talked to her. Still… it’s just so hard to get over with. I’m a doctor and basically has higher salary than he does while his ex was just a salesgirl who didn’t care about her family as she slept with so many men during their marriage. So that’s the reason they split up. They had been divorced for 3 years now. She had remarried someone else. Still.. it kills me to think wther he still thinks about her. Whenever we have sex I can’t stop thinking of him having sex with her. I know that he hadn’t tried much with her because it shows when we were having it. There are so many positions that he were awkward with and so inexperienced when we tried, but still.. I don’t know. I can’t seem to let him go because he is the very person I gave my virginity to. But I see our relationship only go in a downspiral trend. He had been consistently affectionate despite my frequent angry outbursts. Still coming to my parents’ house whenever I leave him, begging for me to return to him. As a doctor, I can always move to another country and just start a new life and practise there. At least that’s what I’m thinking right now. I just feel like running away, but I feel sorry for him.. how do I do this?

  233. Scott says:

    I met my wife in high school. She is 2 yrs older then me and she had been with other guys before we met. I had seen other girls but never did go all the way with them. My wife after many questions from me told me too much about where and who she did it with. It bothered me then and to this day 28yrs later it still does. I don’t think that you ever get over it. I have learned to deal with it better over the years and I know that she loves me and would never cheat on me and I don’t think my wife thinks about her past and if she did she would not be very proud of it. She has said that she was too young and I feel confident if she could go back in time she would not do what she did. The hard part is just knowing about it. I wish that she would have not told me sometimes..But i also wonder if she told me everything too! It is not easy and I have struggled with this for too long. I don’t have any answers for what I feel but I keep reminding myself that it was before me and since the moment she met me she has been loyal. So, in some respect she chose me over them!

  234. Garrett Haskins says:

    Hey everybody, thanks for sharing your stories. I feel a lot better knowing that i’m not alone the only one who is going through a situation where I’m a waiter and my partner is not. Up until now it seemed like I was the only one hurting, but I’m glad that I’ve gotten a chance to here it from the female(non-waiter) perspective. It’s not just the waiter suffering too.

    Well anyways here’s MY STORY.
    It wasn’t until last year that I’ve had my 1st Gf at age 18. She wasn’t a virgin, but I was. we broke up 5 months later because she treated me like crap. She would yell at me, start arguments out of nowhere, take her anger out on me, and criticize me for just being myself. You know a relationship is doom to fail when she calls you before work with the intentions of hurting you (i.e. “let me Google the definition of boyfriend to find out what your duties are”). Although I learned a lot about what a relationship should not be like, I wish that I didn’t put up with as much crap as I did when I was with her. Sometimes I look back and think to myself “I could have lost my virginity to this woman”. I’m glad that I didn’t because I would have had the burden of being emotionally attached to someone who treated me like garbage when I’ve tried everything to please her.
    It didn’t take long for me to find love 4 months after our break up…
    I’m currently 19, with a girl who loves me for me, she makes me feel happy inside and I can see myself marrying her in the future. I’m still a virgin waiting until marriage. My Gf is a non-waiter. It hurts know that she has slept with 2 others guys before me, it feels like I’m 3rd place or like i’m getting the short end of the stick because the other guys have have a piece of her that I will never get to experience. They’ve even done various positions before me that I’ll never be the 1st to do, yet everything will be new to me so of course it will be amazing to me. Sometimes I’ve questioned if when we get married will the sex just be okay or not as meaningful because I wasn’t the 1st that she’s been with. I can’t shake the imagine of the other guys doing these sexual things with her, and I have so many images haunting my head it’s hurts every time I think about them. and when we have outer course I just feel insecure sometimes, asking myself did she do this with the last guys? were they better than I? all these questions I ask myself drives me mad. She used t have a bar before we got together so I can only imagine what things she has done with those guys. I hear that you always remember your 1st time, but it’s too bad that we’re not going to have similar memories of our 1st time. It just doesn’t seem fair to me. It feels like I’m the only one hurting sometimes and a part of me wishes that t was an eye for an eye (you’ve slept with someone so I should have slept with someone), but I know that that is not going to help no matter how bad I feel about it. I know that it isn’t fair to bring up how insecure I feel about her past because I still love her, but I really want to get past my insecurities. That’s partially why I came to this site. even though she said that she regrets doing it with the other guys I’ve always felt like “You don’t know my pain or how much I hurt, you get my purity while I get a fraction of something that you gave away” and I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes, but it wasn’t until know I’ve realized how much she must be hurting hurting from past mistakes. thank you @claire for sharing your story. I know that I might sound like an immature jerk through this whole comment but that’s the insecure, hurt part of me. I truly appreciate the things that my GF does for me, she is nice to me, we never argue, she doesn’t yell or cuss at me like my ex, and she’s totally willing to wait with me. She even offered to get baptized as a way to wash away her sins so that even if I can’t take away her physical virginity, I could take it spiritually. How nice is that? I’m really glad that I’ve met her and I know that truly in my heart that she loves me and I love her. we’re already 3 months strong and after this year, we’ll beat my record. I hope to have a wonderful life with her and start a family with her. I’ll pray more to God in hopes that he can help cure me of my negative thoughts. I’ll also teach my future children to remain pure too sso that they wouldn’t experience any regrets.
    Hope that I’ve helped some people out, thanks for reading…

  235. Nagol says:

    @ Silent

    I’m in no way trying to down people for waiting til marriage. If thats what you want to do then fine. I also don’t have a problem with virgin people wanting another virgin significant other. That is 100% fine and don’t have a problem with that. And no I’m not justifying my wrong of sin because I know for myself am no better than you or anybody else.

    What I do have a problem is what you’re not understanding my point. And my point is that some of these comments I’m reading on waiters that are virgins judging and shaming non-waiters for having a sexual past. Having the audacity to judge and shame your partner like they are Jesus or some type of pure angel from heaven is what I have a problem. It’s hypocritical and you’re gonna call yourself a religious christian? Stop it.

    Nobody is perfect. You can’t hold what somebody did in their past before they met you because everybody has a different story on life.

  236. Gaurav Yadav says:

    first of all i would like to tell about my self. my name is Gaurav. I’m 24 years old. i’m fully virgin (i mean i have not even touched a girl in my life. i have never got drunk not smoked).
    i had a girlfriend who had physical relation with more than 10 guys and lastely she was in a relation with a guy for more than 3 years. we were friends for more than 9 months. she was sharing every thing with me except the old relations. i don’t know she may be having realations with someone even now. i got to know about her past relations from her boyfriend.
    i love her very much. though i don’t talk to her from last 10 days but she is in my mind every now and then.
    i want to forget her but i’m unsucessful. what should i do???
    plz rely on my email id

  237. […] Because this is a quite common problem. A site writes about these Emotions You Feel When You Discover Your Partner’s Sexual Past: […]

  238. Eila says:

    This article is so true….I am felling the same way. I also want to share my story: I have been married to a non waiter for 2 and half year. Our marriage is an arrange marrige through a matrimonial site.We didn’t get much time to hang around or know each other. When I first met him I believed in him to have the same moral value that I have but I was so wrong. Soon after marriage I came to know that he is experienced one but was trying not to believe in these thought to stay happy or keep our marriage working. Recently 6 months ago, I discovered about his past relationship. I am not sure about what kind of relationship was that. He confessed that was not more than sexual one, if I love her I would have marry her. As per their emails I figure out they enjoye each other’s company and their intimate moments as well. They were in same city for approx 3 years then she moved to another city but they were always in constent touch for approx 4 years till our marriage via email,Skype & phone calls. I also found that he used to keep an eye what she is upto or other girls that he had crush on or with whom he had some sort of emotional bonding without making a direct contact with them through social media sites.
    Initially to make me calm on this topic as I was asking for separation at least for a while. He has shown that he is guilty and regret what he did as he wasn’t aware he will get a waiter wife. Our marriage was never be very sweet.He was never passionate for me as I saw him in his conversation for other girls. Now I correlate every thing that he said to me intentionally or unintentionally, good or bad related to emotional & sexual aspect or married life. What ever I do for him or with him,I start imagine him with his ex and compare the situation if she were his wife. In his justification he said he didn’t cheat on me as he did nothing wrong after marriage. What he did was his past when I wasn’t exist in his life. Instead of being polite towards me he becomes more rude.As per him I am not the only girl who’s husband has past and there are people who are still involved in extramarital affairs, they are cheated on their partners and still accepted by their partners.Sometimes he indirectly threaten me if I make his life miserable by recalling whole issue time & again and won’t try to overcome with my suffering he might compell to go somewhere else for happiness. He is rude, practical, responsible but not caring. I don’t feel the same way I used to feel about him. I dont respect him and don’t care much about him that is because of his rudeness and his double standards sometimes. I also gets upset easily and start think to leave him when I analysis what he did so far for me and what can I expect from him in future. I have never felt that I am his special one. But on the other side he wants to continue this marriage, I don’t know it’s because of social pressure or he really wants it to work.He is bit strange for me and I don’t really trust him,though I am hopeful sometime he will keep his promise that he was loyal after marriage and will be loyal in future conditional if I wouldn’t distrub his mental peace lol…. I don’t want him to do anything for me just for sympathy but atleast understand what am I going through but for him I might have mental issue I need to see a psychologist. It’s been six month,when I am upset with him or I am alone I just cant stop thinking about their relationship, intimacy & imagin him with her and felling exactly the same way whaterver described in this article.

  239. Joe says:

    I’m 24 years old and a virgin male. I only recently experienced feelings of jealously and angst when I found someone who I was pretty compatible with only to find out she lost her virginity to one of her boyfriends 3 month before we met. I felove all of the feelings above and have a hard time moving beyond friends with her because of this. If I brought my own sexual experience to the relationship it would be different, but since I’m a virgin it bothers me incessantly. For me waiting was a combination of things. I waited to establish my career. I waited to satisfy the religion I was raised in. I waited because I believed in this lie or fantasy that I would truly fall in love with a woman who shared my values and who had also waited. We would share each other knowing we both were each others first. Well, all I can say is that this whole process has only brought mental, spiritual, and emotional anguish. It has deeply wounded memail and Ivery fought off battles with depression and anxiety about it. I can’t recommend it for anyone and I can’t recommend anyone to raise their kids this way. In my honest opinion it is better to get it over with young so you don’t have to worry about it later in life. I would consider myself as someone with a very high sex drive. It has been emotionally destroying. I fought battles with masterbation and porn. I’m sorry, but unless you are asexual or have a low sex drive the urge to have sex is so strong that you have to act out in some way, shape or form. I’m convinced the people who don’t have any trouble waiting are one of the two categories I mentioned. Other than that, if you want see or you are sexual driven it will be the most painful experience in your life and it will destroy you as it has destroyed me. I’m so jealous and envious of people who just lived life for the moment. Who had set and just got it over with young. For better or worse. You know what, they lived, I haven’t. I lack in so many areas not only in just see but dealing with relationships and dating. It’s like I’m 8 to 10 years behind the curve. It is a terrible and self defeating feeling. It feel so helpless and so vulnerable. It has destroyed my faith in God. It has ruined my experiences and choices in life. Instead of living and experiencING things I stayed away from people because I thought they were sinful or events were sinful. I didn’t go to prom, I didn’t go to homecoming. I was voted all kinds of things be a use I was smart and popular. However, I’very been utterly miserable all these years. I even hold angst towards my parents for raising me this way. It is horrible and I would never want my kids to experience what I havhave experienced. You people can say what you want having had regret of sexual encounters or whatever partners you’ve had. I guarantee you aren’t as messed up as I am emotionally and psychologically as a result of making the stupid and idiotic choice to wait. As of a few months ago I don’t give a damp if I wait or not. I’m completely in a state of where it is hard for me to feel anything. It has destroyed my sense of self and sense of enjoyment in life. Sex and your sexual it is such a huge part of who a person is. To have that damaged is completely terrible and unless you have been through it and are in my shoes yourself you have no idea how it feels to wait or how hard the struggle is. For me, I can honestly say it was the wrong choice. I’m even to the point now of just hiring a hooked to get it over with. It is sickening and I can’t even believe I’ve reached this point in my life. I’m someone who would like to do life over again. I’m someone who would take a do over if I could. If I only knew what I knew now my teen and early adult years would be so much more smoother and less of a struggle. For those of you out their conew plating waiting, don’t please. Spare yourself. For those of you wanting to hold your kids to that high standard please dont. Unless you waited yourself for each other. If not you are a hypocrite. My parents didn’t wait yet they chose this faith and hwldo me to that stadard. There is nothing worse than making a choice for someone and it not being thein own choice. It cripplus a person. Please head my advice. If you feel bad about your sexual past or sexual experiences, don’t feel bad anymore. There is no reason to. You lived, you made choices, you learned and you experienced life. You’ve grown. Put yourself in my shoes, you don’t have to answer what if. My whole life is nothing but what ifs. I wish I could be in some of your positions. I honestly do.

  240. Nina says:

    This article and reading about other people experiencing something similar to myself has helped me so much.

    I’m a 23 year old female and I have been dating my partner for 6 years. He was my first boyfriend and I had considered myself a “waiter” I told him within weeks of dating that I was not ready for sex and would likely not be ready until I was married. I also asked him if he had a past relationship and if he was a virgin like me. He told me he had had one other girlfriend who was his first love but they hadn’t had sex. Becuase of this I decided he was a boy worth getting to know ( I had very high standards and was not interested in being with someone who was not a virgin a I thought at 17 years old there MUST be someone out there like me, who shared my morals)

    We continued to date and I fell in love with him. I loved him so much I realised I wasn’t waiting for marriage but for a loving, respectful partner that was the “right” person to give myself to. So a year after dating we had sex for the first time and I cried because I worried I had made a mistake but that was the only time I ever had doubts. Fast forward 5 years and we are living together and discussing marriage. I realise that I never asked him about sexual experience in general ( when we began dating I didn’t even know about oral sex so it never crossed my mind to ask, I just assumed oral sex was sex) so out of nowhere I ask him if he’s ever had any other sexual experiences. He suddenly admits thathe and his first girlfriend would engage in “mild” oral sex out of curiosity. He says it meant nothing and he was so young and stupid and he simply wanted to know what it was like…I am absolutely heart broken. I cant believe he would lie about such an important experience to my face for years. He insists there was only kissing and maybe some liking but nothing more and certainly no climaxing…..but I just cannot help but feel disgusted by him. He did all this as a 16 year old boy in the back of a car in broad daylight. To me it shows no self respect for the girl or himself and certainly no respect for me and my morals. I’m still in a state of disbelief.

    that happened a month ago and we’re still dealing with it. I still love him and he loves me and has been trying so hard to hold onto me but it feels like everything I thought he was is not true. I think I feel quite cheated that he lied to me and made me love him. It’s not like it was something I was in denial about, I asked him about sex and his past relationship many many times over our relationship and he would get agitated and I would feel terrible for making him think about a relationship that brought him so much pain.

    I’d like to forgive him and move forward with him because we have a great relationship and we were very happy together but I’m finding it hard not to be disgusted. Your article has really really helped me see things differently and it has honestly helped me so much.

  241. jason says:

    My girlfriend is freaking out about sex because she thinks I’m going to leave her because of how many times she’s had sex and now she wants to take a break from it. Im confused on what the big deal is, is it that big of a deal.

  242. 16 says:

    Everybody who knows me is proud of me for the way I am, honest, caring, God-fearing,etc!
    i moved to this city and after 2 years i found this girl. Its been hardly an year and we r best frnds! We both share most of our talks with each and we became so close that we even had sex last month! Being from the same church, mutual interests and everything, i now feel i should have never met her!
    What kills me today is that i broke my virginity! I regret of what i did!!
    Everyone knows that i could never even think of such things coz that’s how i was always.. God was my first priority! I was so proud and use to tell others that am waiting for my future wife and till then i would be a virgin!
    I had the same feeling as mentioned in the article when i found she had a past.
    Thanks for the useful article!

  243. Lorraine says:

    This article was really really helpful. It is so tough being a virgin, we are a minority that is quickly growing smaller and there is not very much support out there. I’m with a guy right now that I’ve dated for a year. He’s had 5 sexual partners in the past, which kills me. To make matters worse, he’s also told me WAYYY too much detail about his encounters, even going so far as to describe his “gorgeous” ex girlfriend’s sexual habits and how she was very “tight” down there. It’s disgusting… disturbing… just awful.

    He’s went in to detail about these things because he wants to be “honest and open” but one night I broke down crying after he went into a lot of detail about another girl, and since then he’s stopped. In all honesty I feel like his sexual past is keeping me from loving him. I trust him but I can’t help but feel this big distance between us because of his past. I don’t know if I can get past this, it’s just always on my mind. I know that he loves me very much but I feel like there is too much damage done at this point, all I can think of are these visual images of them having sex and having zero regrets afterwards.

  244. Confused Girl says:

    I’m also a waiter who has waited for non-religious reasons. I believe in losing my virginity to the love of my life and someone whom I’m going to marry. My fiance-to-be and I exchanged rings already. He had sex while being in a few serious relationships and a few one-night stands (all of which were with the female’s consent). He has never cheated and is a stronger believer in monogamy. He has been cheated on a twice and that’s because he is a pushover in some cases. None of these sexual relationships bother me at all because NONE of these girls were virgins like me and none of them meant so much to him as I do (since he forbade himself from even calling my a GF since day 1 since I was an angel to him). While none of these seemed to bother me, when we finally got a bit intimate (no intercourse though) I started to feel SO UNCOMFORTABLE!!! I could NOT enjoy ANYTHING. I felt DISGUSTED, UNCLEAN, why? Because all these thoughts kept running through my head “how many girls has he touched like this before?” “why is he so good at it?” “how long did it take for him to know all the FREAKING details about where to touch so that it would feel good?” “how the hell does he know that I am supposed to feel good when he does X or Y”, etc. I honestly think that him being so experienced makes me disgusted. I feel like him doing stuff to me like he did which all those other girls is making me unclean and is making me like one of them! I don’t want to be like them! I have respected my body until now (I’m 24). I have waited to meet the love of my life while those girls just slept with him after the first date or they were just one-night-stands. I don’t think this is jealousy, I’m not jealous because I know how much I mean to him and HE KNOWS that too. I just feel disgusted when I think of his past and what he has done with those girls. I hate to say this but my partner is an angel to me and I lust for him but as soon as I think of his past I start to think that he is unclean and I don’t want him to come near me. One reason for that (I think) is because I know the people he has had sex with were not people who respected themselves. If, let’s say, he had sex with girls whom at least waited for a year or so in a relationship before sex and did not just sump into bed with him I would’ve been OK. But that’s NOT the case.

  245. Maria says:

    I feel like I have lost my desire towards him since he cheatsx on me
    I am not turned on like before
    We have been married for a year and a half
    Dated for 2 years, he cheated on me before we got married … I am crazy about him
    And its draining me till the moment
    Where did I first go wrong !!!!!!!!!

  246. Broken says:

    I happily married 11 yrs with cute children until few months ago;
    last year during a summer conversation, i discovered her details about her past sex life with her ex, who stay with her more than ten years.
    Soon the thing didn’t bother me, but following the days i gradually become devastated.
    Now it’s almost 8 months i’m suffering every day, sometime in silence, sometime i try to talk with her letting know my feelings even i harm her.
    I lost interest in every my life goals, i live hard time at work, i don’t have no more interest in my favorite sport, and when we meet other people i feel frustrated, i cry often with no reason.

    She doesn’t regret from her past, rather she tells me it’s better to have me in this period of her life and not before in her youth, the most reason is because comparing her ex with me, he was much better doing sex, she had what i wouldn’t able to give her cause my premature ejaculation and less penis size, but on the contrary she thinks to make me happy telling me i’m the best family man she can have and now this is what it counts.
    She loose her virginity at fifteen, very young and always with the same man live the best time in sex relationship doing everything a man and woman can do it in their intimacy.
    In my 11 years of marriage i had sex with my wife 1000 times less than her ex, i was a waiter with an ideal to live the best sex time with my wife, but unfortunately this is not happened, most of reasons is because children, work and other stress cannot make sex the same you can live in your youth, where your brain is completely free.
    But now i’m completely lost with lack of direction, i’m a believer and i don’t understand the reason of this pain.
    I waited many years to find what i think was the best for me, but as consequence i suffer from premature ejaculation ( i stayed months without touching me as waiter) and now i feel humiliated looking at my wife and thinking at her past.
    I hope this trial doesn’t make me too much weak getting sick or maybe worst, because many times i feel like dying.
    i hope in your wise advice, who want to help me please feel free to write me at my private email

  247. Das says:

    Thank You for this Article Mike.. I am hanging on to this for my dear life.

  248. Das says:

    @Broken – I also feel the same, the way you do, but remember this, you are luckier than most of us. She gave you your pretty Children, remember. Is it less imp than sex?

  249. XYZ says:

    Hi Mike,
    Currently my wife is going through the same feelings and situation what you have described in this article. I need your help to make her understand about this and come out of this bad phase. Can i get your email id so that I can explain the situation.

  250. Broken says:

    @Das – i appreciate your comment, it’s true, even if the better you feel connected with your wife the better you love your children.

  251. Jasmine says:

    This article and comments definitely helped me in many ways. I am married almost 2years now..i was 29 and my husband 34 when we met so obviously there has to be a past. I asked him when we met and he told me he wasn’t a virgin and I accepted it. after our baby was born and little arguments we had, I started to think deep about his past as he told me he had intimate relationships with 2 different women. it was haunting me and I was so jealous. I could not overcome the way I feel because he touched other women and had sex with them meaning he had to see everything. I couldn’t bear it and still cannot..i cannot change what had happened, however last night I spoke to him about it and told him it is troubling me and I need to find out exactly what happened. he was not happy to talk about his past and said to leave it as he is ashamed of it but he could see I needed closure and so he answered every question I asked. he was 22 when had sex with a 22year old from college and that was because he was naïve and only once and she left him afterwards saying the weren’t compatible.. then he had other girlfriends but nothing happened sexually, and at age 32 he met a chubby girl through a friend and they dated for 3months and had sex only once and he said if it makes me feel better it only last 2minutes and few weeks after that she also told him they not compatible.he says most of girls just used him. he assured me that I am more beautiful/sexy then both of them and that I am best ever. I don’t know how much more good stuff I want to hear about me but I also asked him did the chubby girl ride him and he said yes and it wasn’t nice.i am so jealous as he had to see her naked, was she beautiful for him to want to be in her.. but somehow now I do feel a little better but I cannot accept that he could be intimate with people he never even loved or had an intention of marriage with. it is scary thinking you can give yourself in that way to someone you don’t even care aboutand vice versa. like those girls can have sex and just move on. where are the values and appreciation. he said he never loved them.. first one was infatuation and second one was a spur of the moment and both times he used protection. Am I driving myself crazy thinking more about his past???? I wonder if he actually had feelings for them and if he was attracted to have done that act???

  252. Jasmine says:

    Confused Girl I feel exactly the same about my husband and his past women he has been with, I feel disgusted and dirty because of his actions 🙁 yet I love my husband.

  253. Jeff says:

    This article has been helpful for me in my struggle to get over my jealousy, but not in the way you’d expect. It made me realize I have been thinking about this in the way that the author discusses it and there is a word he uses that really struck me… “Ownership”. It’s ridiculous. You can’t OWN anyone. Not in marriage, not in dating, not anywhere. There was a time when you could and there’s a word for it: slavery. The reason we think of taking someone’s virginity and claiming ownership over it is simple: ego. Insecurity feeds your ego. It tells you need this to feel empowered and without it, you are smaller, weaker, etc…. it’s a lie. Your sense of self worth has to be sufficient before you even head into a relationship, or else you are going to feel this jealousy. If you want to beat this thing, you need to believe that you are enough. With or without your partner, you are good enough. You don’t need that “ownership” because (a) there is no such thing, and (b) you already have you. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t bother with relationships. We all (or most of us anyways) have the innate desire to share our lives and experiences with someone we love. It just makes life more enjoyable. But many of is are indoctrinated to believe that in order for love to truly exist between two people, we have to have some kind of control over them. Don’t get me wrong, I hate that my girlfriend has been with another dude. I really do. But she’s the same girl she was before she told me about it that I fell in love with and have shared many MANY amazing and beautiful experiences with. I realized the true source of my inner turmoil was my own insecurity. For whatever reason, I allowed the fact that she’s had this experience before and I hadn’t to let me believe that she, her ex, and anyone in the world who’s ever given me a hard time for not making it with the ladies was better than me. I completely failed to give myself credit for any of my good qualities, which are many, and I realized I’ve been doing this my entire life. I’ve been programmed somehow to have an extremely harsh inner critic, and I project that onto others, most notably those whom I cherish most, ironically. You have to learn to love yourself. Plain and simple. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a kind, gentle, forgiving way. Many of you probably don’t even realize you’re doing this to yourselves, but I’d bet that you do. The more you are able to give yourself a break for your own shortcomings and give yourself credit for your own good qualities, I can almost gaurantee your perspective will shift and you will see your part er’s past for what it really is: nothing of any significance whatsoever. They are not that person anymore, and whatever they did couldn’t have been so spectacular or else it would still be going on. Not to beat a dead horse, but you can’t change the past, BUT, you CAN change how you process it.

  254. October says:

    Hello. Since the beggining I knew about my boyfriends non virginity but since I didn’t like him it didn’t bother me. & Now that we have had sex,and he was my first I can’t help but be mad at him for not waiting for me. I know it’s not his fault but it just hurts that he didn’t wait. Is there a way that I will get over this? Or is it better that I just let him go and stop hurting him how I have been doing lately?

  255. Jasmine says:

    Thank you Jeff…. so true… Thank you

  256. Jasmine says:

    October.. will the next person you meet be a virgin.. life has no guarantees.. follow your heart…god forgives, we should too

  257. Zack says:

    Hey Mike!

    I just want to thank you for this article. It really has helped me a lot and I am sure it has helped others as well.

    Thank you so much. Really thank you!

  258. Stratman says:

    I’m glad that I found this article as I too have an issue. I’ve been with a woman (I’ll call her Jenny) for over 34 years. I had known her for about 2 years and we actually dated a couple of times but nothing serious. Jenny is a little over 5 years my senior but I always liked older women. When our company moved to San Juan Capistrano we decided to pool our money and rent a place together. Now I was already sexually very experienced and six months earlier had ended a long term relationship and she spoke as if she was too and was still playing the field which I accepted as we were just roommates. Well, one night we went to a mutual friend’s party and she had driven. When we were outside I kissed her and she said “Sure, why not.” When we got home we kissed again and she invited me to sleep with her which I did. I remember thinking that she didn’t seem too experienced but did not feel like a virgin either. I ended up sleeping with her many more times and though she spoke like she was still a player she never brought anyone around. I could write a small book about this so I’ll skip to the here and now. We had two boys out of wedlock but we stayed together and things were ok. We had our ups and downs but she seemed to be faithful. Now Jenny is very religious and one evening she told me “I don’t feel comfortable having sex outside of marriage” to which I retorted “oh the great virgin Jenny! You were well broken in before I came along so why now” There was no answer. One evening after we were on the outs I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and proceeded to get drunk. She also had a bit and we started talking. She revealed to me how she lost her virginity to the son of a man that her mom lived with in Texas. She was visiting her mom and the son said very little to her until two days before she was to come back to California. He asked her to go for a drive with him. He took her to a secluded spot and started making his move. She said things got out of control and she couldn’t stop him as he was very aggressive. So he took her and when it was done they went back to the house and he didn’t say a word to her after that. He never tried to touch her again. I felt really bad for her and I told her that it sounded more like rape than anything. She said that she thought it was just what guys did. Then she told me another shocker: I was only the second man to have intercourse with her as after the Texas incident she remained celibate until I came along (almost 5 years). She swears that this is true and that the men she had claimed to have been with were made up. She thought that what I wanted was an experienced “slutty” girl which Obviously she is not. The next day I asked her, as God is her witness, To confirm that she is being truthful and she did. She also said that though she dated a few guys they got nothing from her not even a hand job! So all of this time I never gave her 100% of me because I didn’t completely trust her. It turns out that when I connected the dots of some of the things she said they were based on her one rather sad and cold experience. I was upset at the way she was taken and have taken that burden on but I also now have given her my all because all of this time she was what I was looking for: Someone with little to no sexual experience and someone who would be faithful no matter what. We finally married in 2012 and again in the eyes of God through her church in early 2013. Jenny told me that she wished we had talked about this early on in our relationship because it would have changed so much and for the better. I still feel that she was raped when she lost her virginity to someone who could care less but to me it doesn’t count as I was the first man who held her and treated her like the woman that she is. Moral of the story: Talk to each other and flesh this all out early on. You’ll be glad you did. By the way, I was tempted to cheat on her a few times but the same voice said “Don’t do it!” I always heeded it and have no regrets for doing so. Good luck and may God bless all of you who are going through these situations. He will guide you. I know because he guided both Jenny and I to come together and be as one.

  259. Don'tGiveup says:

    I want to encourage all those who are waiting for their virgin soulmate (This is in no way a condemnation to those who haven’t waited, just my personal experience).

    I am a man and was 35 yrs old and found my gf who was 28 at the time. There were many moments in my life where I thought I would never find woman who felt like I did and waited no matter what. I was very isolated at times and ridiculed by those who knew I was waiting. To make things harder, there were women I dated who wanted to sleep with me when I confided in them that I was a virgin. They used terms from “breaking me out of my shell” to “modernizing my thinking”. To be honest, I was beginning to convince myself that I was a fool for waiting that long.

    Then thank God I met her. We dated for a year, opening up fully after 3 months about everything sexual. We married a year later and have been for 5 yrs thus far and going strong). To each other, we are everything we waited most of our lives for. We have a son together and are both thankful that we have the rest of our lives to fully express our sexual intimacy knowing that we have only been with each other.

    It doesn’t matter if everyone else you currently know has been with someone, what matters is that you are looking for that ONE person. Even if it feels like a million to one, that one is out there and that one is all you need.

  260. William says:

    Or don’t get over it, and stop enabling bad behavior.

  261. Krystal says:

    I need help or advice.
    I’ve been dating my bf for a year and I’ve had sex with someone but it was with someone I really cared for deeply and me and that guy waited a long time and so it just meant something. But my bfs past bothers me so much because he had sex and lost his virginity to a very well known slut in our town. They also have a sex tape and pictures…I know he didn’t know me before but it just bothers me. I feel like I can’t tell him because I guess it would be hypocritical. I’ve gone through all these emotions. He doesn’t regret what he did (I only know this because I asked if he regrets anything about his sexual past) but he has says that his morals has changed. But we’ve been together for a year and he still doesn’t want sex but with his ex he had sex witching the first month actually two weeks in. Are my feelings even valid???? I want to tell him but how do you tell someone without making them angry or ashamed. I just don’t want to keep it in anymore. I feel like I will never have sex with him because of this. But I know he is someone I really want to be with I just can’t get past it. He’s good to me yes but this just goes against my morals and if his morals did change wouldn’t he regret what he did?

  262. Anna says:

    May this post and the different testimonies in the comments section, be an eye-opener to all of us!

    We live in a era which cheapens and debases sexual relationships. Something amazing and beautiful, meant to be FULLY enjoyed between the constraints of a committed God-driven relationship i.e. marriage, has become nothing more than a cheap commodity. Everyone is pressured into having sex and centuries of socially-accepted messages conveying that “boys will be boys”, ” a real man spreads his seed”, “a man has to experience” have resulted in sexual promiscuity becoming an almost positive social norm. Let’s not forget the perverse effects of a CERTAIN BRAND of feminism!

    I remember being young (and even until my 30s) and telling my girlfriends that there was no way in hell, I’d marry a man who wasn’t sexually experienced or would have had very few sexual encounter. My main and only argument was that if we were both inexperienced, how would we know for sure that we’re doing things how they’re supposed to be done (at least to be enjoyable for both people). Well, be careful what you wish for!
    Fast forward a decade later, I got back in touch with an old flame. While in my whole life, I have dated only 3 guys aside from him, he had numerous one-night stands, random hookups in clubs’ bathrooms, dated 2 or 3 girls at the same time (meaning he cheated on each of these girls with the other), must have slept with at least 30 women, had 4 exes have abortions (first he said 3, then he confessed later about another 1 – who knows how many more they are?); you get the gist of it. I, on the other side, has only had full intercourse twice in my whole life with the same guy and fooled around with the 3 other men I dated, including that old flame. Ol’Flame and I, very soon started talking about marriage and I told him that I was against living together before marriage and would very much like us to wait for our wedding night before sleeping together. Because of his past, I guess, he told me that he doesn’t believe in getting married without living together first and the Holy Spirit hasn’t told him yet that he should abstain from sex until his wedding night. Yet, he agrees that the Bible forbids premarital sex. Go figure!
    Long story made short, I broke things up because I could see we have different life values, goals, principles. The other thing was that his sexual past made me insecure and uncomfortable, especially the multiple abortions. WHY?

    1-. People keep saying: “those other people meant nothing, it meant nothing to me.” Well, that’s not an excuse. The mere fact that you just sleep around with people you didn’t care about, tells me that you’re an user and lack of self-restraint. It might mean nothing to me, it means a lot to me.

    2. Just like he was happy to know that very few people saw me naked, I wanted to be able to say the same thing, especially after telling me once: “Our first time together wouldn’t be that special because you aren’t a virgin anymore,” Yeah right? What about you? Am I not entitled to have a more wholesome of you? At least, only 4 guys including him, saw me naked. He got blowjobs in club’s bathrooms by random girls, for crying out loud!

    3. I felt dirty, just imagining myself sleeping with him. I vividly remember my only 2 full intercourses, I remember thinking; “Oh boy, it IS true , we do become one, I can feel everything he’s feeling. This is such an intimate act, how could people go around and do it recklessly with anyone?” He totally agrees that sex is a very intimate act. Yet, he did it anywhere, with anyone, “to satisfy his libido.” The ghost of his sexual past would have cluttered our marital room.

    4. I hate the idea of going out and running into a string of women who would have seen my husband naked, made him cum and worse than that, try to humiliate me with it. I’m from a culture in which women either pride themselves in being married or being able to steal other women’s husbands. It’s accepted that men are cheaters and if you get cheated on, it’s because you weren’t able to sexually satisfy your husband. While he would have been able to proudly walk in a room because his wife didn’t sleep around (that’s how much of a patriarchal culture I come from) and HE was a successful ex-manwhore, I would have had to live with people ridiculing me.

    5. As far as I’m concerned, you sexual past is not only indicative of your morals but also of your character. Do you have a strong will to go against the current and not give in to all temptations? Do you have some self-respect and that includes your own body, is it only a tool to you? Do you have respect for people? If you keep repeating the same type of behaviors for years, even and especially after giving your life to Jesus, what kind of man do you think you are? A man of integrity? A responsible one, one that take full responsibility for his actions?

    Reading the testimonies of men and women married for many years but couldn’t get past the sexual past of their partner, decades into their marriage. I don’t believe in love conquers all. If it’s enough for the dating stage, it isn’t enough for holding a marriage together. There are lots of other things to take into account and I, now, know that the sexual past of my partner is important to me. With the same token, even though at my age, I highly doubt that I’ll meet a man with a sexual past like mine, I already know that a man can have the same expectations and disappointments about me. With hindsight, I wish I’d have waited because premarital sex is nothing but a bad idea.

  263. S. M. says:

    The problem with this article is that we’re chastising the person who can’t get over someone’s sexual past MORE than the person who has committed the sexual sin.

  264. timmy says:

    plz help im married for a few months now and just realized tht my wife had sex with one of her boyfriends whom she denied having sex with whn i previously askd her.its affecting mi evrydae how do i deal wth it.

  265. Jim says:

    My fiancee is 19 I’m 27. I have have not waited until marriage but never had it outside of relationships and never really expected the same in return. I found this girl and fell madly in love everything had been so perfect and we never argued for 9 months. But she was always nervous and evasive about her past. I understand why she changed stories and lied now. It was to protect me and she felt so ashamed of it. She was waiting until marraige at 17 and had been dating a guy for about a year and a half. She told him this whole time that she was waiting for her future husband and it wasn’t his to take when he tyred to manipulate her about not loving him until one night he drugged her and raped her. She discribed in auful detail waking up in blood screaming and having to go to hospital and it haunted me and made me physically sick that someone could do that to someone so amazing and kind and that I love so much. I have been there and supported her and feel special that she can open up and tell me something that only her mum knows in the world. What I wasn’t prepared for whilst trying to deal with these horrible images is that after she developed several disorders all of which I have helped her overcome but the most destructive is that she after went and slept with 3 other guys because she said she blamed her self and used it as a was to hurt herself. She said she cried during every time. And that image still disturbs me and makes me feel sick. She discribed herself as feeling like just an object for men when she did that and it’s torn me apart. I’ve been supportive, we’ve argued, talked it through together, she knows how I feel but I just really don’t know what to do from here. I love her but I can’t understand how she could do something like that after something so traumatic. I’ve experienced nearly all of these feelings and I can’t even think of being intimate with the one I love so much now

  266. Anonymous says:

    Hello, it seems as though my situation may be different then most. I have been married 9 years now with three children. I was the waiter and my husband told me he had only had a few ( less then five ) partners whin we were dating. Well now well into marriage he decides to fully disclose his past to me. Oh my God! I am so hurt. He has had well into the double digits with more then one at a time and pornography. He cheated on my while we were dating and shortly after we married. He is so sorry and claims he’s changed BUT my hole world is rocked. I have no one to talk to because EVERYONE thinks so highly of him and I would hate to ruin his reputation and witness. I mean if I didn’t have kids I would’ve ran for the door. But now I’m lost and hurting and don’t know what to do. He is mad because he says he’s different and trying to be a different Godly man. And I’m stuck being hurt and angry and unable to shake this. I feel tricked and betrayed. I don’t want a divorce but I can’t move on.

  267. Jim says:

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I know mines very different to yours. I haven’t lost trust and don’t judge my fiancée any differently.those thoughts just resonate really badly with me. If I was in your situation I couldn’t cope with that. You should never feel trapped in an unhappy relationship with zero shouldn’t feel selfish for wanting better either. The past is the past but if he really cared would he have done those things to you?

  268. Anonymous says:

    This is my story, I’ve lived in loyalty with a girl i really loved so much, for 5years. In the first year of our relationship on a romantic night we shared our past experience, and one of hers was, hw she almost got violated by her cousin, this lead to my “ever wanting, asking question” :have you had sex before?
    Her reply was great for me to hear “NO”
    As this made my bond and love for her grow stronger. I decided to let go of so many things as to please her and fit into her perfect man.
    I stayed loyal,
    Stopped partying,
    Cutoff friendship with some friends that are against her.
    Showed her what love truly was and is. A love sweeter than the love of the movies.
    And i said to her i really want us to stay without sex till marriage, we both agreed.
    5years later we broke that decision and had sex i couldn’t tell if she was a virgin or not because that was my first sex. And I went into a virginity talk with a friend who told me about a woman’s virginity and i realized she was not a virgin.
    My pain was her actions the night we had sex, “she went into the bathroom came back and said she was injured with no trace of blood on her. I feel she’s playing on me, i feel she’s trying to eat her cake and have it back. I feel used, I feel cheated. I feel all the emotions you listed up there.
    I’m enraged to the fact that she deserves less than the love she got from me for telling me such lies. But Wat can i do, “nothing” I’ve given her a part of me that i find so hard to get back.
    I need an advise cos I’m yet to ask her what went wrong.

  269. Jim says:

    What your talking about is a lack of trust. Some girls bleed alot, some girls a tiny bit, some none at all. Some girls even rupture hymen once at a young age without even realising during sport or anything. It’s not a mark of virginity and you shouldn’t make the one you say you love so much feel guilty for not bleeding. This sounds like your problem and that the first time didn’t fit with your fantasy. I could be wrong and she could have many times before you but your the one who trusts that girl enough to marry but can’t trust her word

  270. rom623 says:

    Thanks very much for this website and all the comments.
    My short story is: Got 1st girlfriend at 26. She told me she didn’t want sex before marriage & I was comfortable with that. Made out heaps, Broke-up. 2nd Girlfriend- We started sex 4 months into the relationship because I lost the will to fight against my anger/hurt from her disclosing her sex with a previous partner. Continued on, Got married, then my wife disclosed more and then later on more again. 7.5 years on the half truths/miss information are burying deep into me. Sometimes I feel I don’t know who I married. I knew from a young age that I wanted to avoid women who had slept with other guys before because of the way my (divorced) father would speak of his conquests (ew gross). Oh well. We both acknowledge we could have done things a lot better. We have the opportunity now to teach our daughter the error of our ways so hopefully she’ll grow up confident in her decisions about sex.
    Sex..Love making carries with it vulnerability so it has to be done with the right person, and what better person than your life partner. I believe it to be the most intimate expression people can share. There needs to be a lot of trust there. Sometimes that special person lets us down and we hurt. Or sometimes we let ourselves down. Neither of us understood the meaning of sex when we were searching for a partner. It’s a shame that sex ed is taught the way it is in schools. Having sex before marriage is a major burden on society that society doesn’t believe exists.

  271. Julie says:

    all these poor virgins lamenting on this post (including myself) – we should just date one another…. going through this is really something that is almost impossible to understand unless you’re a virgin.. this has bothered me for over a month and i’m thinking about just leaving this relationship..i just can’t even bring myself to think of being so intimate with someone in marriage and knowing that person has been with other girls – who knows how often/many times, etc. IT is an absolute torture.

  272. Litsy says:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on 2 years. I’m a waiter and he’s a non waiter and its consuming me. I think it has to do with that I did know him when he was a virgin. When we met we were both virgins (a fact he shared with me after we started dating) but I was the only one who kept waiting. We got together after a while of him losing his virginity and me breaking up with my ex. It’s painful to know that if I would have dated him when he was a virgin, he would still be a waiter a long with me. I can’t function right with him because I keep thinking of his encounter. I love him but I can’t get over it. How am I going to compete with someone who had experience? Being that his ex wasn’t a virgin. How am I going to stop comparing myself to another girl who knew what she was doing and how to please multiple men, including my own.

  273. James says:

    Hi there, thanks for the article.

    I’m really struggling… dating a girl for 6 months, always knew her past was a bit colorful and so I’ve avoided prying because I know how I can get about the past.

    Unfortunately, I just learned about a bunch of her past in one of the most horrible ways I can imagine, in my mind maybe one step below actually seeing pictures/video. At least if I’d learned it from her, I would be able to tell how she feels about those decisions. Is she remorseful or nostalgic, sad or happy, facial expression, etc… but instead, I found a blog she wrote during her worst years, written from her perspective at the time.

    I knew I should stop reading but I just couldn’t. She had first person accounts of being taken turns on and double teamed at her neighbor’s house, where she went constantly whenever they wanted to use her. She describes these things as the best days ever, says how much she loved getting tag teamed. She describes being so sad when her booty call neighbor moved and what “gooooood times” they had together.

    I literally threw up my dinner and spent the next 2 hours shaking, I felt so physically ill.

    It’s so hard now, because the way I read it, it was all first person – it feels like she just said it to me. I haven’t confronted her because I know it would be wrong to make her feel bad, but I also feel like I need to hear it from her perspective today, not her 10 years ago like I read it.

    I have no idea how to proceed. I’ve felt physically sick for 2 days and can barely work. I haven’t seen her and haven’t been able to talk to her much. All I want to do is lay in bed.

  274. Stephan Warg says:

    Well, I understand most of you are Christian and it’s about that you feel both should be virgins. I respect that. I became a Bahá’í when I was over 30, and then I had already “not waited” a few times. The reasons were different, but I don’t think I harmed or damaged anyone. Thank God. After converting to bahá’í only sex with a woman I’m married to is allowed.

    But it’s not about religion in our case. It’s about her past and my mental images. I have chronic pain and eat Lyrica, a medicine which makes it difficult to get orgasm. But it would be easier if not these mental images and thoughts that I’m her worst lover ever always show up when it actually should be possible for me to get orgasm. We have now been married for a year and she starts to wonder why she never becomes pregnant. She never asks if I get orgasm and I have my tricks to make her feel other things after she think that I am satisfied and relaxed. She asks if I had a good time, and yes, it’s good to be close her so I am not lying when I say YES, it was good for me too.

    Is our marriage built on a lie, or is my medication destroying our chances to ever become parents. I only know that I don’t want to start the fights about her earlier sex life again since it’s much more peaceful when fights ended some year ago. No one of us wants to go there again.

    How I felt a year ago you can read about at
    and other pages.

    Again: Never ever start talking about or asking about your partners earlier sex experiences. If you are hopeless romantic in love, this sharing of secrets will poison your relationship for ever. Less and less every year yes, but it never really leaves you. It’s a proof for that God’s rule, stay virgin until marriage, is right. No one should feel the fear that he or she is maybe, sometimes, now and then, compared with some earlier lover…..


  275. Jasmine says:

    I am married over 2 years and have a baby and still my husbands sexual past haunts me 🙁

  276. mitchell says:

    Trust me even if you have had sex in the past if your partners past is vastly different to your own its really hard to handle. For me sex became something twisted and wrong. In fact i related it to power. As a young boy I was unfortunate enough to have been molested by someone that was supposed to be taking care of me. Fast forward to me going to university many years later I had never told anyone about what had happened to me and I decided that it wasn’t ever going to be something that affected me. but it did… I’m truly ashamed about how i used to act when i was younger. I used to go out drinking with friends and occasionally go home with a girl or two, I wouldn’t necessarily sleep with them but i would take it to the point that I knew i could if i wanted then id just get up and leave. I wish I could have waited until I was married and with someone I loved its what id always wanted but I never got a chance. My virginity was taken from me at a young age so I didn’t see the point in holding on to my own values, because it was impossible for me to live up to them. after uni I moved back to my home city and ended up dating a girl who I really liked she was amazing smart funny beautiful everything we dated and after a while we began to sleep together I’m ashamed of this too but for the first time it was different I actually loved the person and well I knew i was going to ask them to marry me. A year later I proposed. Then I found out about her past like i said i was no saint I had slept with 4 girls before my fiance and i regretted everything. So one day i told her about my past knowing that she wasn’t a virgin either but for some reason i thought she had only slept with one person as thats what she led me to believe boy was I wrong my fiance had slept with 22 people before me. 22, I still don’t know how to process that. That’s so many I’ve become insecure and I can’t be close to her without thinking about it. To put it simply I don’t think I can do it anymore. It’s too much I’m not perfect I know that. But I had lost my way through trauma and it took me a long time to get to a place where I could face my demons. She has never had anything like that happen to her so I can’t understand why she would devalue herself like that. And now i can’t leave her because I allowed myself to love her and I don’t know if i can stop. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get it out of my head. I just hope it passes.

  277. Jasmine says:


  278. Just Me says:

    I would like to say i feel everyone’s pain. Me and my girl have been together for a while now, we about to get engaged. She told me about her past and at first it didn’t bother me at all, but then she went one night and told me everything she has done with guys, random hook ups, past relationships, past sexual experiences etc etc… when she was telling me she asked me if it bothered me that she had such a wild past i obviously said no, but deep down inside it was eating at me, it has been bothering me, it’s not that i love her less i love this girl with all my heart and i know she loves me with all her heart. Here is my problem i cannot stop thinking about her with other guys and i keep seeing mental images and when i do i feel so sad and hurt inside. look i have had sexual partners before 2 to be exact she is my 3rd. How do i help myself from stopping these emotions from over taking my mind and playing with my emotions?

  279. Kenzie says:

    I was in a relationship with another woman for almost 4 years–we had grown emotionally codependent and things spiraled out of control from there. We only were sexually active for about a year, and I deeply regret that now. I’m worried about whether or not I should tell my future husband; because I know that by God’s grace and love my sins have been forgiven years ago, but I don’t want to hide anything from him only for him to find out later, especially since me and my ex are still very good friends (although both of us have moved on and there aren’t any romantic or sexual tensions remaining)

    I have no problem with people who wait, or people that want somebody who HAS waited; but I also don’t like being stigmatized when it’s just another sin–one that we’re all CAPABLE of doing, but some of us choose not to do. There are some sins other people have done and struggle with that I don’t, and choose to be on a high horse because they’re not sexually impure.

  280. JC says:

    I know that it’s completely unrelated but i’ll just share it, since I’m looking for advice

    I’m a man. I’m currently single. I had more than 10 sexual partners already, no romantic feelings,never slept, whatsoever, and already experiencing the guilt of not being able to “wait” long enough until having a steady relationship and ultimately getting married. You could call that “a fluke of youth” since i almost acted impulsively and instinctively during my “flares” and it has become quite a burden to me.

    While reading the article, it crossed my mind that what I’m doing was wrong and what’s worse, I am almost powerless to my bodily instincts,particularly my hormones, yet i can still grip to my sanity by doing routine medical checkups for STD’s, and checking their health and business permits (they are all pros).Yeah, I had no respect to my body, for the first time, i felt dirty, I’m a dirty man, i feel ashamed of myself. And, i’ve been thinking, when i have a girlfriend one day, when the right opportunity comes, I will tell her my sexual past. If she became bothered, disgusted at me because of that, I was thinking that will be retribution. you reap what you sow, they say.

    My friends are asking me, what kind of girlfriend/future wife do you want? I always answer “a girl who wholeheartedly accepts who i was, who i am today. My Past and everything” i never tell them that the reason behind that is because of the things i mentioned earlier.

    I seriously wanted to make a 360 degree turn of my life for that event. Having a significant other whom i can love and love me back, regardless of the past. wait till marriage, raise a family, be a loving daddy, and all. So, finally, here’s the question. If my future girlfriend was a “waiter”, a virgin and i tell her my past and she became disgusted, and she can’t get over with it? how can i deal with that?

  281. Kristy says:

    I want to say something to anyone that thinks they can’t get over it, end the relationship. Save both of you a lot of heartache and end it because you won’t get over it. I met my ex when he was a virgin and I was not. He knew everything and supposedly accepted me. Well, 12 years and 5 children later, we are in the process of a divorce because he finally admitted to me that my past has been an issue for him the entire marriage. I loved him, made a family for him, gave up my dreams for him (turns out he never trusted me so I was made to feel like I needed to be home 24/7) and raised our children and never ever did wrong to him. He emotionally left me so many times I can’t even count. I tried everything to be the woman he wanted and it never worked because he was too caught up in what I may or may not have done in my past. If he had been honest in the therapy we did before getting married, we wouldn’t have gotten married. I don’t regret my childre but I do regret trying so hard to be something I never was and someone lying to me for 12 years. It’s not right nor is it fair to manipulate someone’s heart, mind and soul like that.

  282. Lucy says:

    Me and my partner have been together nearly nine months now I am only 21 and he is 30. In my first year of university I was very experimental and ended up sleeping with 4 guys in my time there one of which I was seeing. I met my boyfriend in the summer of my first year (2014) and we were kind of seeing each other but not official. Before we had met I did things with one guy but did not have sex with him, this was a major issue in our relationship and caused arguments. I then worked in another city that summer and let a guy into my room, I can’t understanding my thinking I very much wanted to be with this man but still did what I did. I let the guy into my room which resulted in him kissing my neck, I told my boyfriend currently (2016) that I liked it which is why I did not stop, however, he tried to kiss my lips and clearly wanted to go further and he left and nothing ever happened after that and we have no contact. However, my boyfriend Is not holding this over me, I understand why he is angry. But I am now being called a whore and a prostitute, slut, slag, you name the works, he has always degraded me for my first year history and is now bringing it up all again after I have told him about this guy from work from a long time ago. Could I please get some insight on peoples view’s please I feel in a really lost place with my relationship at the moment.

  283. annonymous says:

    I am in need of help/advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We got married when we we’re 19. Neither one of us we’re waiters but I’ve had more experiences than him and it has been an issue through our whole relationship. We have never split up but have been really close in the past. He use to be really mean to me and call me names and make me feel horrible about things I did in high school, before I ever met him. He wad very emotionally abusive. I have never cheated on him and love him more than anything. Our relationship has gotten way better over time and he says he isn’t angry with me anymore and is now very sweet to me and doesn’t treat me like shit. However, the issue is still hard for him to deal with and he gets very depressed about it and says he just worries he not pleasing me or he’s not ad good as other people I’ve been with. He needs constant reassurance and needs me to tell him how good he is. Our sex life is amazing and our relationship is better than ever but no matter what I tell him or say to him to make him feel better he still gets down all the time. I don’t know how to make him see that he does please me and that no one compares to him. I am at a loss on what to do. When he gets depressed I do too. I constantly blame myself for him feeling this way and I just want to be happy with him and move on from this. Any suggestions?

  284. Jake says:

    Mike, I just can’t thank you enough for this text. You have just settled a feeling that was killing me from the inside. I’m so grateful that I would hug you for a few minutes if I met you now. Seriously.

  285. Ht says:

    Reading this text I understood why 99% of the people are not bothered by their partners’ sexual history and I am. As I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, I don’t know how it feels to have sex with a person, then move on and have sex with another person. But I just figured it out. When she had sex with another person, she didn’t know me and her life was completely different, so she was pretty much another person. I can’t feel betrayed by this person because I haven’t even met her… This feeling of betrayal makes no sense at all. I must keep in mind that now that she is with me, she really loves me and is as disgusted as I am just by thinking of having sex with or even kissing someone else. The woman I know, love and have sex with never betrayed me, because she started existing when we started dating and I made her not want to be with anyone else ever again. This is very obvious to everyone but is very hard for us to understand because of our lack of sexual history. Damn, I feel so relieved now. I wish I could write an article about this to try to help people who are having the same feeling I was.

  286. nick says:

    Kristy, I am so sorry about your current situation. If you look back at my posts from April 24-25 2014, you will see that my wife and I were in a very similar situation. At the time I wrote those comments,I had just finished a couple years worth of counseling and now 2 years later, we are doing better than ever. Where I used to be obsessed about her past, I no longer think about it. I never thought I would get to this place. When I was in my darkest moments, I actually fantasized that our perfect marriage (or one that could have been had she been a virgin)would end in divorce simply because of her choices. My head wasn’t right at all. For me, the counseling really helped and through that process, They felt a low dose of Paxil was needed as they discovered that I had “OCD” Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (Duh!) Has your husband tried counseling or has he been evaluated for an underlying problem? During the many years of our marriage leading up to my admission that I still had an issue wither past, we had many great times and I was able to push any negative thoughts away, but as this OCD thing came on, I was not able to anymore. I am sure you might be thinking that it is too late for you and your husband but it is not. If he can “get-over” this and you can forgive him for the pain he has caused you, is there anything left to save in the marriage? Does your husband truly understand what was going on in your life when you made the choices you made?

  287. Gabby says:

    Thanks Mike. It’s easy to say but way to difficult to get over it. I have been struggling for one thing from last year, I know it shouldn’t be a big problem nowdays, especially here in U.S., but after so many months I still can’t conquer it. That’s about my bfs past sex experience with his ex whose 2 years older than him, except the normal one, they also did anal.. He knew he was wrong and broke up with her..But I still don’t wanna touch him and feel he’s “tained “by other woman. I cant let it go, although I try so hard too. He’s a Christian and born in Christian family, how can he do that and how come without condom… I feel dirty and afraid he may get AIDS, that girls not virgin when they had sex.. I try to forget, but in contrary, it become more clear. I even feel like watching them do that, so painful inside. I m traditional Christian and still a virgin and want save it for marriadge, but now I feel he’s not worth me saving it for him. The body is the temple of holy spirit, why indulge in never end evil desire? Also, I think I won’t be able to trust him… Lord is watching us, so many people do not dare to have an affair or one night stand.. but he knew God’s watching and still commit that sins, feels like he’s not afraid of God. In that case, he might do other things like that after even in a relationship with me seeking for the excitement which I can’t provide. So I think I have the trust issue here.
    Used to think I love him, however, from this, I can’t even let go of the past, I m not qualified to mention love..I know I m sinner with desire as well, I believe Lord forgive him and I have no right to grasp it stubbornly.. just so hard, so sad.. He’s nice to me, and I don’t wanna break up for the ridiculous reason, but what should I do.. I don’t know if you can understand my feeling, really don’t want to make it a big deal, but it is, deeply inside my heart. I pray every day and night, waiting for the painful fade away.. Do you have any suggestion or have you ever met someone like me? Hope I m not the only one overreact about this issue. And please also pray for me, I know God don’t like me to be like this and do hope to get rid of the feeling ASAP.

    I never want so badly to start all over again and date a virgin instead.. Few guys holding their viginity..

  288. selena says:

    so me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months now and i keep seeing his ex’s around school and he’s has sex with them and it completely shatters me bc i feel shit and i feel like they r better than me even tho relationship with them lasted 3 months and less. he cares a lot about me hes amazing but his ex’s his past just dont let go of my head i hate those girls so much and i just cant take it ive cried so many times

  289. Mika says:

    I’m a girl and dating another girl. We’re four years apart and both lesbians but her sexual past troubles me. (she came out at 20
    She told me that she had sex with a guy when she was 19 to “know she was gay” but she slept with him twice that night after telling me she didnt enjoy it?
    She then let another guy who was spooning her to finger her and rub her off but says it was only because she orgasmed that she enjoyed it? not the fact it was a guy. she then said he raped her but I have texts from her to her friends stating that she ‘loved’ it and cummed over 7 times in two days.
    shes also been fingered by another girl when she was 20 and a guy when she was 17/18,
    It really confuses me, I was waiting but we ended up sleeping together and now I feel horrible inside knowing I wouldnt have slept with her if I knew her past history. I think it was unfair of her to withhold it from me considering I was a virgin and now it feels like my virginity didnt even matter to her because shes been with so many people and told me ‘its nothing but an orgasm’ 🙁

  290. Anonymous says:

    ^That’s gross.

  291. Anonymous says:

    If u follow this comment From the start u will c that it was just guy and girls in a relationship that are not doing well cos of some problems in there past. cos of the amount of failur in this relesionship has made people turn gay

  292. Broken says:

    I did not wait, I have a bad past. I met a waiter whom I feel deeply in love. I told him my past. He cannot get over it. I cannot put into words the pain Ifeel. I’m disgusted by my past, I wish I could take it away. I wish I could have caused him less pain. I am so in love with him it causes me physical pain. He broke up with me because of my past. I am broken. I have nothing. He was my world. It feels like someone has died but it’s even worse because they are still living and I can’t have them. I have given him everything I can. Absolutely everything. I am devastated. I don’t know what to do. I want him to be happy but my world is falling apart because I was stupid. I don’t know what to do. I love him with every fibre of my being. I want marry him and show him everyday what he means to me but I can’t and that absolutely kills me. What do I do? There has to be something I can do to help. He is my one and only , I wish I could take away my past for. I would do anything.

  293. Tired says:

    I need help. Just few days ago, I went into my pregnant girlfriend’s diary and I found out how she asked a guy out and they both had sex same day. How she invite guys to her house for sex. I love her so much but the though of her past is driving me crazy. Remember she is presently caring my baby. What can I do cos am about to quit the relationship.

  294. Kristin says:

    My boyfriend really struggles with all of these and he has no clue how to fix it. He was born and raised a Christian and when we first started talking he told me he was not waiting till marriage, but then after he lost his virginity to me he decided to tell me he was in fact waiting, but felt uncomfortable telling me, he thought it would be a deal breaker. I feel terrible for my past and I am actually trying very hard to become a good Christian. I was born a Catholic and now that I have been reading the Bible more and more I have decided that I want to convert to Christianity. I thank him every day for helping me see the light but he still shames me for my past. At times he gets to the point that he wants to go out and have sex with as many people I was with to be even and in his head it will make him feel better and to him it is the only solution. Does anyone have advice?

  295. Nereyda says:

    The thing is wen i feel comfortable with my boyfriend i am open and all is good. And wen i told him i was glad i got to be with him, he said “i am just a pain killer of wat yur ex did to you on yur birthday dats y u eccepted me!” But hell i never asked him to search for my phone number and strt to text me…

  296. Nereyda says:

    We both know our past but i did worst than him i think caz i am his second girlfriend and he is 24 years old an i am just 19. I had sex with my past exs but wen he told me he had sex with his ex i got jelous and it really burns the hell out of me wen he describes it to me how they did it. And when we hve sex we don’t do those things. But i love him so very much that he means more than the world to me. But this is the shit i don’t understand.. Why the hell he will tell me how he and his ex had sex.. If u were told this. What would you do???
    I really need help caz its burning me and i dont describe such things to him caz i know he will ger this feeling i am feeling.

  297. Nereyda says:

    We both know our past but i did worst than him i think caz i am his second girlfriend and he is 24 years old an i am just 19. I had sex with my past ex but wen he told me he had sex with his ex i got jelous and it really burns the hell out of me wen he describes it to me how they did it. And when we hve sex we don’t do those things. But i love him so very much that he means more than the world to me. But this is the shit i don’t understand.. Why the hell he will tell me how he and his ex had sex.. If u were told this. What would you do???
    I really need help caz its burning me and i dont describe such things to him caz i know he will ger this feeling i am feeling.

  298. Actual Nice Guy says:

    I’m amazed a website about “waiting till marriage” published such a stupid, sanctimonious load of rubbish like this article.
    If what the author said is true, then the ONLY take-away message is NOT to save yourself for marriage- making this whole site completely pointless.

    At the very least, if saving yourself for marriage is THAT important to you, then it’s simply a sign of incompatibility if the other partner did not. Case closed, move on.

  299. Bad Samantha says:

    Why would he even tell you how he and the ex have fucken sex ven though I’m single and I don’t want to get fucked yet because I’m that confident fucken yet

    (Fuck him lovely)


  300. Melissa M. says:

    So I am in a very tough spot. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, we are both 18. He recently found out that my ex who I was with, I had sex with him twice. There was no love in it, but it happened. When I was 16 years old, that ex I was with raped me in the bathroom at his birthday party. I has trouble processing it, and I was telling myself for awhile that I was asking for it. I was hospitalized twice. It took me a little under a year to realize that it was not my fault. During those months, I snuck out and went to his house, and intentionally had sex with him. Twice. I was not thinking. As a 16 year old female my hormones were going crazy. A year later I met my current boyfriend, it took me about 5 months to work up the nerve to tell him that I was raped. He was devastated. Something that was meant to be his was taken away (We were waiting until after marriage, I am a mormon and he is a christian, soon converting into being mormon, we have plans of marriage in about 2 years) One day before our one year anniversary, he created a fake facebook account to confront my ex. This terrified me because I never told him about the sex that happened twice. My ex’s sister sent my boyfriend screenshots of nudes I sent him, and some sexual messages involving the sex, sneaking out, etc. He was heartbroken by this and everything that happened almost broke us up, but he said that he could never leave me, he loves me too much to live without me. Things cooled down, we were both crying, and he said he cannot wait until marriage anymore after he found this out. He said that he needs to replace what was taken from me and what he did to me with something good, because we love each other. I was explaining to him over the course of many conversations, telling him how uncomfortable I am with this, and how it’s still sex before marriage, it doesn’t matter. He wants me to be ok with it. How do I tell him that I can’t do this to/with him?

  301. Melissa says:

    Hello, it is nice to find another Melissa here! This is my second time visiting this article, and I find it helpful to discover how people have managed to turn things around for themselves. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and it is absolutely your right to decide to wait for a sexual experience you actually get to enjoy! Perhaps it may help to explain to your boyfriend that he is the one you truly love, and at this time you strongly want to wait until marriage to have sex because you want your next experience to be a loving, meaningful one. You may consider this upcoming experience, whenever you choose to have it, to be the close connection you want. If this man shares your values and does truly love you, and if he understands that you prefer to begin again to make a wonderful memory, then he will settle for the equally if not more powerful intimacy of your devotion. After all, he is the one you love! Perhaps more conversations must happen, but make sure he knows: “I don’t want to regret you.” To replace what was taken,though you don’t have to think of it that way, the man you’re with should be kind and tender, and show he is worthy of you. You deserve all the happiness a relationship can provide, and when you are ready, you can decide when to make the love physical.

  302. Nancy says:

    Had my first relationship at 21. Thought we were going to get married. Well we didn’t and lost my virginity to him. I wanted to marry my first boyfriend but he had dated many others before. I felt like the scum of the earth when he dumped. I value marriage and waiting but since I had failed. I swore off me. I figured who would care about second hand goods anyway.

    Seven years later, I met someone else. After 2 years together, he got married behind my back. I was devastated. I’ve decided to avoid men completely. I get nervous being approached by a guy. I lie and tell them I have kids and if it’s a conversation online, I tell them I’m ugly they should move on. I don’t want to hear or see a man’s look of disgust when I tell them my story. Being judgemental is human. I don’t see why a person who waited should not be disgusted by one hasn’t.

  303. Nancy says:

    So many typos, sorry!

  304. mr m says:

    Just walk away.

  305. Vick Macky says:

    Can someone please help? I have been emailing and leaving messages and nobody is responding. people are not getting the confirmation emails!

    I would love to join this site but it looks like you’re experiencing some major tech issues.

    Someone please HELP and email me back at

  306. Aubri says:

    Nancy? What’s up with you. I understand regretting something you did in the past. But pouting over it 10 years later is sort of pathetic. I had one of those “got tired of waiting” moments when I was 24, and the experienced 30-year old guy I had been dating for less than two months was more than happy to punch my V-card, and I knew he wasn’t my true love, just a rebound guy. (It was in the aftermath of my fiance dumping new after we had been an item for two years and had wedding planned in three months.) I knew I was going to move away for a new job when I decided to have sex with him. So, I had sex with that guy about 20 more times in the next 5 weeks, then moved away and never talked to him again (yes, he knew I was moving). Needless to say, my behavior was very bad. But it didn’t ruin my life. I met a sweet guy at church shortly after I moved to the new city, and we got married two years later. I told my now husband on our second date about that wild five weeks of my life, and while I’m sure he would have preferred that I hadn’t done it, it obviously didn’t cause him to not want me.

    You should’t give up men because of a few bad situations. Dating/relationships are sometimes messy. Buy a new outfit, change your hair style, and get back out there.

  307. norman says:

    What the heck. Someone experienced what I am experiencing right now. I’m dying. But , knowing that I am not alone in this battle , it gives me hope.


  308. Aj says:

    Hi my name is Aj. Im 26 years old and have been saved all my life. Im really feeling hurt right now in this walk. The woman i love is 3 years older than i am but when we are togetheryou couldnt tell the difference not because i act older but because shes so young at heart. I am still a virgin in new york city and man is it hard but God has been good. I met my girlfriend at church and we were friends for 6 years before i asked her out. We went out for 1 year, broke up and then got back together again and have been intentionally dating with marriage in mind for another and a couple of months. We had talked about our pasts very generally and it never hit me but for some reason we decided to talk about it because it felt like that was one last thing that was left undone. We talked but in depth this time and i had done my own touching and feeling when i was in my teens and left because my girlfriend told me she would leave if i didnt give ger what she wanted and at tha moment i brike it off since i knew i didnt want to go that far and regreted the things i had done. My girlfriend told me the same kinds of things and the conversation went well until she really opened up and went heavier into details. She told me that she was abused in her house by her oldest brother and her first memory ever was him forcing her to do a specific sexual favor that made my heart sink hearing it. She also told me that he was going to try for intercourse but since she was so young could not fit. Im writing this because none of you know me and understand my pain. This wasnt a one time thing it was a regular way of life and then eventually her second oldest brother joined in at seperate times and even did that to her older sister. One time they were caught but the father only spanked them and didnt explain why it was wrong it just was wrong and there was one time where the son even challenged the dad saying you did xyz with mom so why cant i do this. Well this continued on and it became so bad that she was in need of orgasms constantly by 10 years old. She also told me where they did things and i did keep asking which now i regret. After hearing all this to be honest i felt disgusted truly but i still wanted her and kind of wanted to play her hero after Jesus of course and resoned that it was her abusers that did this to her and made her do it. Well when i finally settled to still love her still another question came up about if she ever went after them. I was willing to still love her but didnt know if i could handle her answer and prayed to God that it would be no.. she tried to explain around it and got teary but then eventually answered yes she went after them and asked sometime. I was devastated. It was your brothers and by this time you were at age 14 and 15 and you were having them do things to bring you there and doing things to them to make them “finish”. If this wasnt bad enough her brother had told her to basically digest something after he was done and when she told me this we both burst into tears and the inly thing i could imagine was his voice saying that what it looked like and then immedietely remembered everytime i gave her a kiss..i wanted to die.She told me that at some point she knew it was bad but it was such an everyday thing like tying your shoes in her exact words, that she did feel afraid of getting caught but wasnt sure why. I still to this day dont believe a 15 year old didnt know even if you were born in the country side. But at this time my thoughts went to ok i get that she was forced as a child. But at some point you wanted this? And even searched it out to happen out of your choice!little did i know this but afted this i had nightmares and saw the whole bit happening as if i was right there and watch the man “finish” and woke the whole house up shouting stop to the point my whole family rushed into my apartment from another story down. Keeping on, I didnt want her near me after and i know at this point most peo that but still i sat and listened as the story wasnt done she told me that she was sorry and sorry that she kept trying to make it sound better than it was so the blow wasnt that hard and so that she wouldnt seem so bad to herself since she hates her past and feels she never had a chance. I understand but it felt cover up ish and hurt as well. Anyway i wont be on here forever but i do need to add this little part as i know alot of virgins think this way. Toward the end she told me she never had the chance and always thought she wasnt a virgin since young, i asked her specifically since i knew everything else, if she had intercourse and she told me she never has… WHAT?!?! She told me that one time he tried he never tried again. Which i was so excited about. Oh my goodness she may actually be a virgin still despite the horrid things. I actually jumped up when she said this and asked her why she didnt say that earlier? She she felt like everything else made her feel she wasnt. I cried tears of joy and felt like i had something to hold onto, we started to pray and ask God to help sort through all of this and then right afterwards she said wait there is one last thing and i swore i never would tell a soul because i feel so disgusting about it. My heart started to cringe even more now, what is it i asked bracing for impact. She then proceeded to tell me that she still doesnt know if she is one because right before we met and were becoming friends she had bought a “toy” that she used. My heart dropped even lower than before. You mean to tell me i had hope of being your first experience there ever not just a human and you went and did that. My love turned to intense rage and i could not stop from blthrowing bashing comments, i felt tricked and so wronged. I asked how big it was, wrong move, and she told me and then told me that it was unsatisfactory because it wasnt real and she used it once or twice a month because she felt disgusted by it but some sexual drive made her use it but she got rid of it when she found deliverance. I asked her why and she said she already thought she wasnt a virgin and then remembered that since her brother could not fit, he went to his wood working bench and made one for her to use. My heart cant bear much more at this point. She told me that she is so sorry and she thought that since she was on the heavier side that no man would want her and that se had interest in me but a guy who liked her who was my friend actually told her i was into someone else at the time so she gave up and just wanted something to fill a void. You have no idea how bad this hit every insecurity i have as a man of wow will i be able to satisfy her will she be lying to me. I even almost got surgery so i could “surpass” certain things. I feel like im in competition with so this object and or even worst, what if im compared to her own brothers from back then. this goes well past out other differences about how she used to smoke and drink and i did none of these things. This is the painful story of the lady who i was thinking of marrying.please dont get it wrong. I love this woman with all my heart but im so torn because i felt like she was able to go out and do everything but now she wants to settle for the virgin Christian guy. For a month straight now i cant sleep without nightmares of explicit things shes done, and have no motivation about life. How could the woman i love this much be everything i hate and wanted to avoid as much as possible. Guys im not here to bash her but im so desperate and hope somebody here can tell me how they got out of a similar situation. I have seen her walk with Christ and she is a Godly woman and its been 6 years since she truly found freedom, but it feels so painful and raw. Our relationship is so rocky that we split up to focus on God but i dont know if i want to marry her anymore. I dont want to worry about being compared to any of this or feel like shes using ways and techniques that she used for others on me when we are married. I feel so stuck and feel like i could really play a big part in her healing and a friend told me she may love me even more for it but my body wants to run and all i keep saying is shes used what was the point of saving myself at all.. for this? Im sorry if thats bot the right Christian way of thinking because i know Jesus has changed her heart and made her right in his eyes and shes blamless but i cant help it im in love and truly disgusted by her

  309. TJ says:

    The article is spot on. I struggled with this early on with my girlfriend, now wife. I was a waiter except for one time giving a girl oral when I was drunk. My wife was a waiter but made the concession that giving guys oral didn’t count. She did that with around 20 guys and finally gave in to having sex with the guy before me (was an abusive relationship). We were 22 at the time. I was so absolutely disgusted that 20 dudes had finished in her mouth. I couldn’t imagine even kissing that many girls. I couldn’t kiss her without feeling disgusted. I almost called it off. Whenever I would bring it up (her past) she would turn the tables on me and shame me into feeling bad for being hurt by it. I was forced to stuff it and try to not think about it. Not until much later did I realize too that early on when I would use my fingers with her I thought I was playing with her g-spot, but turns out it was genital warts her last bf gave her (never told her that). I was so ridiculously naive. She would say things like “it’s what people do”, although no-one in my circles had ever acted this way I figured maybe I was sheltered. We married and on our honeymoon in another country (where she lived on a student visa for a while a couple years prior) we attended her friend’s wedding. While there I was thrust into a situation where I was hanging out with a few guys she had blown, then we ran into at random a national around town that she blew while she lived there. This made me feel like absolute carp and she got upset at me for being upset. I felt like I married a total sloot. I couldn’t go halfway around the world on my honeymoon without running into her past and for years she blamed me for ruining our honeymoon because I wasn’t in a grand happy mood. I ruined it because I was dreary, but in reality I had just been confronted with what I had been trying so hard to forget. Its been 10 years and I still can’t get her to apologize or sincerely acknowledge my feelings about that stuff. Occassionally through the year’s I would bring it up because I would be struggling with the images of that many men using my wife and her just devaluing her own sexuality, and I would get the same shaming from her. All I ever have wanted was for her to console me about. I have gone through periods where I have felt like my own sexuality is devalued because she devalued hers meaning that since she didn’t value her own then she wouldn’t mine either. In these arguments she would boast about how numerous men told her that she was the best bj they have ever had. Then I get these thoughts of “great, a bunch of guys have their best bj memories as my wife”. For years I tried to feel better about it by telling myself that they were all boyfriends, but not until recently it all bubbled up again and I realized that about half of them were just casual “no big deals” which makes it hurt more. I have wanted to get over it for so long. Stuffing it doesn’t help. If you have a girlfriend that is unapologetic or unsympathetic to you with a similar situation, my advice is to call it quits. It doesn’t get better with time in this circumstance. She has barely given me bj’s love the last 10 years and it kills me to know that she has had more men finish in her mouth than the total number of times she has even done that for me. For years I have told her how much I enjoy it and desire it as well. Still nothing. It feels like the passions of her past own more of her than I do. I do love her so much, but it is far far far from an ideal relationship. If I could go back in time I would have counseled myself to look elsewhere. Be wise and seek counsel young people. I didn’t seek counsel because I didn’t want to reveal her business to someone else in fear that it would be trampling on her honor, but in al reality she had already trampled her own honor and disreguarded my own. If anyone has counsel for me, words of encouragement please write.

  310. Richard says:

    This article summarised all and everything that I went through dating my beautiful ex girlfriend. I was attracted to her partly on the premise that she held beliefs and high ideals and believed in a good path through life by way of her church background. Ironically it was her mother and church background that had failed her and she had given herself to someone at 14.

    It would have been so much better if she had just been totally upfront and honest from the beginning but she continued a lie by hiding bits of her past until by the time I had learned everything from her, I was hurt and felt 2nd best and she basically got her heart ripped out by me. I would have been able to deal with the truth and I will always feel bad for how I came across to her. Sure I wanted impossibly to be her first but would have been fine with it if she could just have been honest. That was the worst part; she thought more poorly of her past choices than I ever did.

  311. Ryl says:

    this is helpful . thanks

  312. mynameisjeff says:

    This is just unrealistic and stupid at the same time. Some times “getting over it” isn’t the best choice for a couple under such situation. I can see a lot of people saying “who gives a damn about their past sexual history”. If you do care, you’re morally inferior than them and you need to be corrected with a series of “advices”. This is just plain wrong.

    Ultimately, there’s no ‘one-for-all’ answer that works for every couple out there. I have seen several cases in which the couple “moved on” and followed articles like this but later on broke up and ended up more miserable because of the same issue. Reason? It just wouldn’t work.

    Almost all the articles you can find everywhere will keep telling to change yourself and more or less implying it’s YOUR DAMN FAULT you’re in a messy relationship in the first place (i.e. because you’re the one throwing the drama). Bullsh!t. To be fair enough, it’s not totally your fault. Your partner did an action that could cause trouble for his/her future long-term/marital relationship, he/she is just sowing “karma”.

    So why are these “morally upright” people keep telling ‘how to feel’? Why do they keep telling you to follow their own version of what’s right? Why do you need to change? Why are you still the one who needs to put the effort to fix everything? Why? Why you?

    You know what fvck them all. It works? Good for you and congratulations for finding the partner of your life. It fails? Then do what you gonna do. Forgive? Then forgive! Break up? Then go break up! JUST DO IT! FOLLOW YOUR HEART! Be true to your feelings so you won’t regret what lies ahead or blame anyone no matter what happens. DECIDE FOR YOURSELF! It’s YOUR life and the life of YOUR PARTNER.

  313. only the lonely says:

    I’m 58 and found this site I was asking the same question how do I get over her past I was a waiter was brung up in church and was taught to wait I was if I may tell you just a bit my wife of 36 years we have 4 children 9 grandchildren ok if you can handle the truth you drive this hurt into your soul hope it goes away but it don’t I was falling in love with my wife the only girl I ever been with it’s a beautiful love story till after a year of walks and laughing spending time together that I would find out certain days of the week she would have to tell me I could’ve come to see her usually on Friday nights once a month sometimes twice a month when I found out it was because she was being picked up by a friend not boyfriend just friend and he would take her to his home give her wine and the fuck her then bring her back home as this was going on now mind you I’m not her boyfriend but I sure thaught I was cause she was only seeing me I thaught so that had to stop when I told her I can’t keep seeing her and him doing this it’s stupid it broke my heart then as I found out that this was happening I asked her were there more and bingo guys I actually had been either bullyed by or I knew all had a peace it was crazy I had invested a year and we had just had agreed to be faithful to each other when all this happened so it’s Evan worse he was not the first he was the last so can you make it work well I have and I have it thrown in my face now and then by the men I work with or live in same area so she my wife made many wrong decisions but it was a waiter family raised her and she needed attention she surrenders herself to get attention so I believe her and she I think has been faithful and I love her so much but I still hurt I guess I always will do if you can’t deal with it then move on but my advice is it’s been a hard marriage and a lot of work as if marriage isent hard enough as it is so I asked her if she would marry me again her reply was no that hurt me so bad so I guess I say to you cut that tie go through that hurt and get over that small hurt so your life can have a better chance of happiness

  314. Waiting says:


    I have always promised myself to wait for my future husband, and I have. I found a man who is also a virgin and we are waiting until our wedding night! I know he’s beong truthful because we have been friends for years and he always wanted to wait for his wife as well, not for religious reasons like me because his family is more nominally Christian, but because he wanted to share that experience with her and her alone.

    That being said, I have seen some more of your advice Mike, that you wrote in the comments. Perhaps you don’t feel the same anymore, but I read a lot about not bringing up people’s sexual past and for the waiter to change for the one who did not wait. Why? Sexual past is like any part of our past, and it still influences us today. If you are to be totally honest with someone and not let it come out months or years later like some commenters have had to deal with, people must be upfront about such things. Also, why does the waiter have to alter themselves and not feel pain or be allowed to be upset at something the one who didn’t wait did? It is completely unfair to the waiter to say that they have to change so that the one who made the choice not to wait won’t get their feelings hurt. If the one who didn’t wait won’t consider the feelings of the waiter, then the relationship is one-sided. Both have to talk about it and see if it will work out. Telling one side to forget about it or forgive it without any effort on the other’s part can lead to a toxic situation where feelings are ignored when they should be dealt with from the start. So, to all the waiters and non-waiters out there, talk about this from the beginning. It is ok not to feel alright with one or the other’s sexual past. See if you can still love them knowing it, and move on if it becomes too much of an issue. That is the proper way to deal with it. I wish you all the best.

  315. Anetta says:

    If all he wants is my virginity, then we have different values for sure! He can want any baby, then. Or any other woman, who is not a certain person, but has a certain piece. And this comes from me, who waited 34 years. I did it with a guy I wanted to marry and he wanted to marry me. Then, after sex, he said the more painful it was for me, the more he enjoyed it. So I left. Thank God I didn’t wait for the ceremony! HE saved me from a very bad marriage (which couldn’t have been long, anyway).

  316. Antimon says:

    This will be a bit long one, but I promise it will be interesting!

    Ok, here is my story:

    I am 37 years old male, and virgin. I have never had a sexual intercourse with woman, and obviously it will stay that way, especially now that I am completely introduced to this whole another planet of retroactive jelaousy issue.

    Btw, i am pretty good looking, a sportsman, and well-educated.

    I always thought that the feelings of loneliness, which I have been feeling since my 27th year and break-up with my first girlfriend, were one of the worst ones in the world. I think I was wrong. There is one feeling ever worse than that one – and that is retroactive jelaousy.

    I had 2 girfriends for very short periods during my early twenties, but none of them suited me at all. As soon as I realised that they are not what I am looking for – a traditional and conservative woman – I separated.

    By the way, if I wanted, I could had immediately slept with them, because they were into it. I wasn’t, because of my deep religious beliefs of pre-marital purity and saving that gift for the right one. We were just kissing and hugging, and it always remained like that.

    However, at that time little did I know about retroactive jelaousy and all this virginity stuff, I didn’t bother to research further. I just knew that I didn’t want to have sex with them without strong commitment and blessings from God. And I also remember that it annoyed me when they were mentioning their ex-boyfriends, however I didn’t think about it any further.

    When I turned 27, I met a girl four years older than me in my religious community, that I really fell in love with. I knew she was married before me and have had unsucessful 5-years long marriage, but still I somehow fell in love with her. Our relationship lasted for about 5 months.
    I cried so many tears while I was connected with her. She suited me intelectually, musicaly and artisticaly (she was a painter and also a musician), and also spiritualy, since we had many common beliefs and were a part of the same spiritual community.

    I was very insecure when I was with her, partly because I was at that time pretty insecure person generally, and party because she was already an experienced woman who already “had her time”. She was also very independent – good income and also a few male friends (not fck-buddies) – and I didn’t like it. At all.

    But what really struck me is when I accidentaly heard a conversation of two other members of this community, saying that she had a spontaneus abortion while being pregnant with her ex-husband. That broke me into pieces, I literaly couldn’t see her any more as my girlfriend. I saw her somehow “impure” for me, as sick as it sounds. I had a lucid dreams every night, sometimes being in love with her, sometimes having a meeting with her ex who explained to me how good she was in the bed, and how she will always remember him. The dreams were terrible. I cried every day, because I loved her. One day I was particularly feeling bad, I remember going to one church and praying there for 2 hours Hail Mary, along with a few very old ladies around me. Only that helped me that day.

    It’s very strange situation – you love someone, and know he/she is a good and quality person, but just CAN’T accept that one characteristic of him or her. That’s the saddest part of retroactive jelaousy.

    This happened exactly ten years ago, at the end of 2007. I still didn’t break with her.
    I thought maybe there IS some way. But then, soon after, she disclosed to me that after that marriage she also had a boyfriend for 3 years. That relationship also failed, however they lived for some time together at his place. Of course, they weren’t sleeping in separate rooms waiting for marriage! I was again terrified and disguisted when I read that e-mail. A few weeks later, we were finished. We officialy finished it because of some other reasons, but underneath – and I can clearly see it now – was my retroactive jelaousy. She said she loved me, and saw in me what she has been waiting for her whole life, and wanted to go for marriage. I couldn’t accept it. Just coudln’t. Maybe I was too weak at that time, I dont know… and maybe I missed a really good chance.

    But the thoughts of her being intimate with her husband first (who was a womanizer prior to meeting her by the way!), then her second boyfriend for 3 years, and then only with me as HER THIRD ONE (!)…… I just felt completely disguisted.

    We broke, and I have suffered from loneliness ever since.

    Loneliness is a slow and nagging pain, while retroactive jelaousy is turbulent like hurricane, but it comes and goes – you couldn’t feel it all the time otherwise you would have a mental breakdown.

    I don’t know exactly which one is worse… what do you think? Is it better to cope with retroactive jelaousy your whole life or with loneliness your whole life? A tough question.

    Loneliness is like being permanently grievous and maybe feeling unsuccesful in life, while retroactive jelaousy has many more facets: feeling emasculated (for men), less worthy, a “second choice”, betrayed, envious, etc. etc.

    Reading all these articles on this site and some others – I was surprised how much we all feel pretty much the same. I was also surprised that women feel it as much as men do.

    I always thought that women feel it less intense , because they are more caring, loving, forgiving, giving etc… but it seems on this field it’s not the case.

    I still however believe that it hurts men’s ego much more than women’s.
    We are territorial and more into that “pride” and “conquer” stuff, and like to idolise women. Either idolise them sexually, or degrade them, like in porn. No middle layer. These are huge archetypes.

    Knowing that your beloved woman once belonged to someone else, and moaned under his body while being fully absorbed in their lovemaking and receiving his manhood, is a terribly disturbing thought.

    I just can’t understand, even today, how people get after this and can still have a happy marriages… even after 2nd or 3rd divorce! I have seen such couples. How can they do it?!?!?! Maybe its a matter of non-waiter plus non-waiter, and they both switch off this thinking and leave it in the past?! Because this what I have is awful.

    During this 2017 year, I met a woman from another country online. She comes from a very conservative country from middle-east. That itself attracted me a lot!
    We chatted and chatted, and exchanged many pics and posts and feelings, and fell in love with each other.

    At the very start, she told me she was married for a couple of years, had a very abusive husband (a strict muslim country), and eventually fled from her country, now living in a more liberal one. At this loint in my life, I already knew what is retroactive jelaousy and that it will take me soon. So then I told her about it, she was pretty surprised (because of my and her high age – being 2 years older), but she decided to continue and not go away.

    I told her that I don’t know can I solve it in the future, but would like to keep contact with her. She was kind and accepting, and that alone attracted me a lot. Despite my retroactive jelaousy, I really thought of her as beautiful and intelligent woman, who attracts me very much. Also, she wasn’t a cheap one – she was a virgin until her marriage, untouched by any man before, and did everything according to rules of her very strict country and family. Unfortunately, it didn’t work eventhough she did all she could to make that man happy, but he was so destructive that she eventually fled and ran from her country.
    I saw some dignity in it… some pride… and innocence, although she wasn’t innocent anymore in sexual sense.

    I never met her live, but fell in love further with her. We chatted each day for a couple of hours for two months.

    But then….. BOOM again!!! As we got closer to each other, she couldn’t take it any longer and confessed to me that after she ran from her country, during her most difficult period in the new country, when she was feeling alone, unprotected and broken, and she met a guy and they were intimate. They met online, but had just 3 meetings in person, during which they had sex also. Soon after, she left him because he confessed to her that he also has a wife!!

    When she wrote that to me during chat… it was theend of this June…. i felt again like hydrogen bomb exploded right in my brain. I couldnt literally move, and was staring at one point at the roof for couple of hours. Stoned.

    She wrote many crying smilies and all this and that, but for me… it was all over.
    My world had just collapsed again, and this image of very traditional and pious woman who just had a bad luck with her first husband, was broken and shattered into pieces.

    I am better now, 3 months later. Much better. I would say… almost to the state pre-knowing her. However, loneliness kicked in again. But its much easier to bear with loneliness than these beforementioned feelings. Which were plain AWFUL.

    At the end, I would like to conclude with the firm fact that its over for me.

    There is no chance I will find a virgin woman at this age, and also I wont approach women anymore, because it’s very uncomfortable to ask person such question, each time. Its a taboo theme today, no one speaks about it, and no one will consider you a sane person for asking  it.

    People like me and you on this site are in microscopic minority.

    If someone finds his mate, and they both don’t have any past – I consider it a billion-dollar gain, and much much more. Such persons are truly the lucky ones in this world.

  317. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Here’s my story. I have been married for 26 years now and was a virgin when I met my husband. He had told me he had 3 previous partners and was “safe” when he had sex with them. As some people say, leave the past in the past…which I did until now. Three months ago I was diagnosed with herpes. What a shocker this was! I have never had sex with anyone else. My husband reassured me that he did not have any affairs during our marriage, and our doctor chalked it all up to the virus being dormant in my husband for all these years. Well, I was just getting over this diagnosis when all of a sudden, my husband is diagnosed with Hepatitis C. The doctor went through his entire history and is positive that he got it from a previous sexual partner. Well now, I cannot leave the past in the past anymore. The past has become my present and my future. I will need to get tested to see if he has gifted me with this virus as well. I never thought that at this stage in my life (I am in my fifties), I would be confronted with these issues. Well, they have and now, I am having a difficult time absorbing all that is happening. I have to say that my husband should have told me when we first met, that the women he slept with were real “skanks”…they were known as such, and for being easy. He just made me aware of this now. Doesn’t help matters much at this point. Remember ladies & gents, take it from someone that is currently dealing with STDs, have your partner tested. Don’t lie and keep your sexual past a secret. It will definitely come back to haunt you. I just hope that I, as well as my children, do not have this dreaded virus. Therefore, I disagree with leaving “the past in the past”.

  318. regrets says:

    I have been married for about 20 years. My wife has had a few past relationships before she married me. She did tell me before we got married but at a point that I felt was past the point of no return. I now find that her past is having a huge psychological impact on me. I know I should not judge her. We do have a child together. I am finding that I no longer have any respect for her. I think that she is a piece of worthless shit. She has no idea that I feel this way. I am not sure what to do. I would love to be able to rise above this and do the right thing. I am not sure I can though. Maybe I will get lucky and get cancer and cease to exist so I will not have to endure anymore.

  319. regrets says:

    I find these people that think I told my significant other about my past and they are ok with it hilarious. The only time it is ok is when both sides have f…ked their brains out beforehand so neither one of them has a leg to stand on the argument of morality. When one side is of a higher moral standard than the other, pronounced “have saved themselves instead of effin their brains out”, then there will always be a moral vacum. If anyone who has had a past and your partner has not, don’t kid yourself they are never ok with it. I understand why these people need to believe that it’s ok with their partner. Who are we kidding? If having more partners was better then I would be sending my wife out to get f…ked continuously by other men. Too many give it up too easily and later in life wonder oh maybe I should have waited or been more selective. My wife’s past sickens me to the core, almost to the point of being suicidal. I did say almost! I by the way would NOT marry my wife again if I did it over again. So for all those people that need to somehow justify their prior regressions just to be able to live with themselves, sell that crap to your like minded morally bankrupt individuals but don’t for a second think that your prior indiscretions have or will ever be ok or forgiven by the other side of the coin.

  320. Antimon says:


    I think you have some other issues with your wife as well. Equally deep as retroactive jealousy. It can be read from you post.

  321. Anonymous says:

    Hey everyone. I fell in love with a guy and we are both the same age 20. I have been saving my virginity because I don’t personally believe in having sex with random people even if they’re so hot. But my partner has had a very huge sexual past and he was open about it and didn’t want to lie to me and I accepted it. I felt so protective and loving towards him. But the idea keeps haunting me because when I asked about the number he said something like 5,000 and that would be like 2 or 1 girl each day for like idk starting from the age 14 (since that’s when he lost his virginity)
    I understand it’s in the past and I was worried about sexual diseases but he told me he never had unprotected sex and he also did a test for hiv and is negative. I just hate the fact that we could randomly bump in to any of these women he has slept with it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Although he mentioned to me that he has never loved any single one of them but with me it’s love marriage and commitment. We have been together for a year now. I just don’t know if I’m being overrated or my feelings sometimes crash with what my mind is telling me.

  322. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Dear Anonymous (who posted on Oct. 31st),

    I had the same feeling you are currently having when I met my husband, and this feeling has stayed with me throughout our marriage. If you read my above post, I am now having to deal with the consequences of not having previously listened to my intuition. The women he has slept with, have always had a hold over me and my relationship with my husband. Since the very start, my intuition was telling me that something was not right. He always hated when I wanted to talk about them and very angrily may I add. He always assured me that he wore protection when he had sex with them; however, I am now at this stage in my life, having to deal with STDs. Not a pleasant experience at all. He should have been truthful with me from the start, in letting me know that they were “sluts” who had slept around with many men. From my experience, when a man has found “the woman” they want, they will say and do anything to keep her. My advice is for you to listen to your intuition and pay attention to your feels. Do you want they way you currently feel to stay during your entire relationship with this man…believe me, it will. Move on is what I say, you deserve better than the misery you are currently experiencing. You deserve to be happy with someone that truly loves you. For a man to have had as many relationship as he has had in his short life, he must be dealing with his own issues. I don’t think he has any respect for other woman or, most importantly, himself. Consider that his issues will become your issues in the long run. I am still trying to cope with everything, and have become very depressed and have had difficulty focusing on anything. Once again, listen to what your mind is telling you. In retrospect, I wish I had…look at my life now 🙁

  323. Johnny says:

    So here’s the deal. I know y’all are a lot older than me, but im facing a very similar problem. Im 17 and my girlfriend is 16 and well, im a virgin and she is not. Which is normal nowadays in our youth, but she lost it about a year and a half ago from now as im typing this. I guess the part that bothers me most is that they did it a couple times and I guess it seems like it’s fresh still. She says shes religious and all, but I feel like if she was religious, she wouldnt have thrown away her virginity so easily.
    Im thinking that I will be at peace when it’s our time to do it, but that’s a decent amount of time away. How do I deal with this? And most importantly, how do I deal with the jealousy? I know it was stated in the article, but I would really appreciate futher clarification.

  324. Ivan says:

    Yeah how dare your partner made a personal decision about their own sexuality. You should own them 100% so that it can make up for that horrid feeling of emptiness that follows you around, so common of persons trapped in Christianity.

  325. sarah says:

    My current boyfriend has been finding it hard to accept my past. We are non practicing muslims. When we started speaking to each other I was a virgin and was overseas. We lost contact a couple of times and were lost in our own worlds. During this period of 5 years I had 3 boyfriends. I never meant to lose my virginity. When my hymen broke because of my first boyfriend ( we were not having sex.. just the other stuff) and that left me devasted. I think I gave up on me wanting to have sex with that one person for some reason. My second boyfriend and I were pretty serious and even though we came close to doing it we didnt and then I slept with 2 other people – I still don’t understand why really.
    I had no idea I would ever get the chance to meet my current boyfriend but when I did i lied. For some reason I knew he wouldn’t be able to deal with it. It was the manner in which he spoke . He asked me alot of times and told me to tell him everything but I couldnt. It took me almost 6 months to tell him everything and he has lost all his trust and faith in me. I wanted to fix it but apparently he assumed I would stay a virgin since I was muslim and he wanted that. He said he some sort of epiphany that I was screwing around which made him sleep with other girls. He has lied to me about who all he has slept with as well. Anyway, because I lied first about everything and did sleep with so many guys He says he can’t trust me because our foundation is weak. we have been together for 2 years which havent been very eventful. Now while I’m on a study break home.. he still brings it up makes me feel guilty and says I’m basically a whore.

    All this has made me feel really guilty and I find myself breaking down randomly during the day because I can’t imagine why I did what I did and how to fix it?

    When i try to leave he threatens to expose. I dont understand what to do.

  326. Jason says:

    So I’m 28 and what you lot would call a non-waiter. My sexual past is not something I’m proud of; if I could do it all over again, I would wait. But I was young, dumb and didn’t hold the beliefs In do today. I am currently single and will be waiting until marriage before I have sex again; I just know it’s the right thing to do.

    I can understand someone who has waited having difficulty with the past of someone who did not. I really can understand how it could bother you and take some time to come to terms with. I also understand there are some where it’s a deal-breaker if someone didn’t wait, and that is okay. Don’t be with someone if you can’t come to terms with their past. I completely respect that.

    Not that I’ve said that; I have something to get off my chest. To those who are waiting, yet are open to a relationship with a non-waiter; who exactly do you think you are? Where do you get off judging me for mistakes I made? Should I hold you to the same standard in other areas? And this whole “ownership” thing. If you think sex and marriage is about “owning” your partners body, mind and emotions, then do all of us non-waiters a favor and leave us alone.

    I feel plenty bad about my own past and I don’t need someone who says they love me, to then demonize me for things I would never do again if given the chance to do it all over. I’m not saying you have to accept it with a smile and just “let it go”. However, if you’re serious about being with a non-waiter, and claim to love them. Then you certainly do have to find a way to “get over it”.

    I have to give you some slack because you’re speaking from an inexperienced point of view. But quite honestly, if you hadn’t waited you would understand sex in much different way. You think non-waiters don’t realize how special sex or our virginity is? Well news flash; some of us actually do. And you’re right; it is important, but you blow it way out of proportion. I may have had sex when I should have waited, but you lot are obsessed with it.

    I do find it amusing how those who are Christians among you, manage to claim having the moral high ground, even though it says in the Bible “forgive, lest you be forgiven”. What I’m trying to say is at some point, you have to come down off your crosses and talk to us who have not waited like people and equals. Jesus himself did not condemn the woman who was a whore; He spoke to her with respect and treated her like a person.

    Long story short: Yes you’re waiting, no I did not. Yes it sucks, and it won’t be the same as if both waited. No it’s not all about you. How about instead of judging us, you try to understand why we didn’t wait, maybe ask us what our lives were like around the times we had sex. I am sorry to God, my future wife and myself that I didn’t wait. But I will in no way allow my partner to punish me for mistakes I made before I met them.

    If I were to meet a virgin woman and we hit it off; I would expect her to have difficulty accepting I didn’t wait. I would also expect her to not scream at me and call me names, or lord it over me when she feels insecure. Quite simply; I would expect communication.

  327. Antimon says:


    No one should judge anyone.
    However, no one should be with someone who doesn’t suit him/her, or his/hers standards.

    There is nothing wrong with that. We do it on daily basis. We choose which people to drink coffee with, which people to associate with at weekends, what relatives do we visit etc…
    Not all of them deserve our attention.

    You are 100% right that if a waiter/virgin enters a relationship with you, she shouldn’t judge you and should leave the past in the past. If she can. That’s why it is so important to communicate these things AT THE BEGINNING of a relationship, to save yourself from a lot of troubles later.

    But you also shouldn’t judge if someone turnes you off because you had sex before her. That’s also judging and unfairness.

    Because if that person saved herself, and you didn’t, there’s a huge disproportion in terms of dealing with your partner’s baggage and previous connections. It’s not pleasant at all.

    I finally concluded, after my ordeals, that I couldn’t accept such a woman. I wouldn’t consider her a whore or sinner (as a muslim guy does in 2 posts above), but definately I couldn’t accept her. I would torchure myself day and night about she being intimate with SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME. It would eat me alive, my mind, soul and my body.

    The most fair deal is for you to find a woman who had sex before like you did (and therefore a balance with that subject, no disproportion), and virgin man to find a virgin woman.

    Every other combination brings a lot of problems.

  328. Jim says:

    I was a waiter who married a non waiter. What I am about to say is hard for me to admit, but i believe very necessary for the rest of you waiters who truly haven’t experienced sex yet. Sex is very, very powerful psychologically and emotionally. I know that sounds cliche and obvious, but sex really is an eye-opening experience as to how close you become physically and connect emotionally with the other person. In those moments, you are providing them with extreme pleasure that ONLY YOU should have the physical privelege of giving them (assuming you have married the person, of course). Likewise, after having sex, your partner trusts you enough to want to emotionally cling to you, and tell you things they would not tell to others and expext things from you emotionally that they would not expext from others. I’ll get Biblical and say that this is what is meant by a man and his wife clinging together in the book of Genesis. This closeness is practically magical, and I cannot put it in words. All I can say is that you don’t know what it’s like to have sex until you’ve actually done it (deep stuff there, right?) It destroys me inside to think that some other man has also experienced this same closeness with my wife. It’s almost a mourning that I am going through for something that shouldn’t have been, but I naively chose to put myself through when I married and made love with her alone. I’ll get Biblical again and say that this is, in part, what the Bible is warning against when it says to not be unequally yoked to another. However, life goes on and I have to, no pun intended, sleep in the bed I’ve made. However, I don’t want any other waiter to go through this kind of grief, especially in a new marriage, that I am going through. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my wife, and I don’t plan on divorcing her (unless adultery rears its ugly head), but I can honestly say that I am holding myself back from her emotionally, and even sexually sometimes, because it just hurts too much. Both of us have lost sleep and oneness at times because of this. Waiters should only marry other waiters to protect themselves from this. No exception.

  329. Antimon says:

    Hi Jim!

    Can I ask you when did it start to bother you? Did you realise it only after you got married, or you also had that feelings of retroactive jelaousy before?

    I agree with you 100%, it’s so hard for a waiter to accept your chosen one’s past.
    You can’t actually blame them for it, and you certanly love them as dear persons, but that huge wall of previously-shared-intimacy is always there. And seems insurmountable.

    Yes, sex is so strong experience, that no one should take it lightly, OR take lightly your significant other’s previous relationships. It’s not just that the intimacy was shared in such deep way, it’s also the fact you never know how much are previous lovers still in their hearts.

  330. Diana says:

    I got married this last year and was a waiter. My husband was a non waiter and lied to me early on about places he went on vacation with exes and who he went out with. I forgave him but never forgot, it hurts until this day 8 months since we got married. On my wedding night and many months into our marriage I would feel a sense of sadness and depression even after we would be intimate because it is such a strong and emotional bond. How could he give that to someone else if he claims I am the only one in his life? I guess I was really into the religion ideal of saving yourself for God really, because ultimately it will save you from all these negative emotions and sadness I feel in my relationship.
    Like someone said earlier, you should never call your spouse names our put them down, but they should be fully honest with you about everything even if you shouldn’t be asking because nonwaiters do not know the emotional struggle and torture it is to think about these things. How much does he have of that person in his heart or mind, especially intimate moments. I think it is important to stick to your ideals, and for me it was a dealbreaker to have sex before marriage but it is too late now since I realized it. I do think it will get better with time, but the thoughts do come back to haunt you, and it will hurt. You have to and must shut them out or you will fall into a toxic relationship filled with resentment and regret, which is not forgiving at all. But I agree, try to find someone who waited, I love my husband with all my heart, I just do not love myself anymore for changing my standards for someone.

  331. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Dear Diana,

    I totally understand what you are feeling. The thoughts and ideas have been with me throughout my marriage. I wish my husband would have been truthful about his sexual relationships with me. Being naive, I took it for granted that he played it “safe” with his sexual escapes. Well, naive as I was, his past has now come to haunt me. Currently in my 50s, I am now confronting STDs. I wish that he would have been truthful with me from the start. The sexual encounters he had were with women that “he kind of knew” to be very promiscuous. All they were, were one night stands. I feel so angry. How could he had placed his future wife in this predicament? I was diagnosed with herpes this past July, and he has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C this past October, currently undergoing treatment. I have been unable to be intimate with him since the herpes diagnoses, and honestly, don’t know if I will ever be able to be intimate with him ever again. I know there are people out there that say you should leave the past in the past and focus on the present and future. How can one do that when confronted with diseases that are a result of his past escapades? I am now having to confront situations that were not brought about by me, but by him. It has been so difficult to deal with all the feelings I have. The 3 women he slept with have always been a part of our marriage. It disgusts me to think that every time we made love, I was actually making love to his past lovers and their lovers, etc…, etc… In our now 27 years of marriage, never would I have thought that I would have to deal with this nightmare. It is not fair that being a virgin when I married him, I would now need to deal with all of this. I kicked myself in the ass continuously for not having him tested before I ever slept with him. I should never have trusted what he told me. Now, I am suffering the consequences. I guess I should consider myself lucky that he, and I in turn, are not HIV positive. I totally understand what you are saying about “changing your standards for someone”. One should remain true to themselves no matter what. Hope you are able to deal with your emotions. I totally understand!

  332. Anonymous says:

    Please I need your advice. I am a waiter dating a non-waiter. We agreed on waiting till marriage, but because he is a non-virgin, he wants us to do everything but no penetration.
    I am scared what do I do?
    Is it possible to ever date any non-virgin guy without anything sexual at all (no kissing included)?

  333. Tunde OA says:

    I am having emotional stress with my fiancee’s sexual past. She told me she got pregnant for a married man and aborted it, She got pregnant again for the same man the second time but the baby died and then went to live with the married man as his second wife for 13 months but without getting pregnant the third time because she was deliberately using pregnancy prevention pills. She said she was using the pregnancy prevention pills because she was tired of the relationship and was waiting for appropriate time to get out of it. She said she eventually came to her senses and left the man and apologized to the man’s wife for intruding into her home and marriage. After all these confessions from my fiancee, I have emotional stress that is giving me sleepless night. I am a bachelor and my fiancee is always saying she really loves me so deeply. She is kind, quiet, she is very helpful and respectful. Please what is your advise because I love her but her past is tormenting me.Will her past not come back to destroy our marriage in future if I go ahead and marry her. Thanks, Tunde OA

  334. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Dear anonymous who posted on April 6th,

    Please take the advice from someone who has been living a nightmare. Follow your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. You should never feel that you have to do something you don’t want to do, just to accommodate the other person. Don’t feel pressured into doing something that you will regret later on in life. Read my posts and see what I am now confronted with. I wish I had listened to my intuition; I would be leading a happier life now. My advice to anyone that is struggling with their partner’s past, move on…you need to find someone that will truly love you and make you happy. If their past is tormenting you, believe me, it will get worst throughout your relationship. It’s not worth the price of your happiness! As I previously mentioned, I wish I listened to my feelings. From someone who has been living with this nightmare for the last 27 years, things will not change. Your feelings will continue to manifest themselves throughout your relationship. Is it worth to be miserable when the other person is not? Absolutely not!!! Do what is right for you. If not, it will continue to haunt you for the rest of your life.

  335. Anonymous says:

    When I met my partner I was a virgin and waiting till I found the one. He is older than me and I thought his history wouldn’t bother me but it does. Every year I find something new out about his past and Every time he talks about it, it makes me angry and very jealous where I won’t talk to him. I also make comments about his past that might hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him intentially and only do it as I’m angry. I constantly think he’s going to cheat on me and flirt with women when he’s out as He has cheated in the past. He has said if he could redo everything he would. I want to get over it and accept that he only wants me like he has said but I don’t know how.

  336. Macri says:

    Nice article… This is the only article which took my all emotions. I felt relaxed sfter reading and I found myself exactly in the words of this article. I had same situation. I am still virgin and I never wanted to do it because I want to unify only with my wife. Yeah..I know this seems awkward but this is the way I feel peace. I met a gal and I love her. Infact she loves me alot. A month after our relationship she told me her sexual past that she lost her virginity at 22 and slept with her bf for 2 days. I was fucking wrecked. I cried like a processive kid for 3-4 days. I can’t leave her thats my problem but I am unable to transcend this truth. She was crying at that moment and I took one day to decide what to do now.!! Very next day I said her ‘ I love you and I cannot leave you’ She said I am not virgin and still you want to be with me why? I couldn’t answer. !! After few days Retroactive Jealousy started in me.. I wanted to have sex and try it what exactly it is. But I can’t even do that. I told her everything she said you think too much. But my problem is such I cannot even share it anyone. Out of rage and anger I started fighting people in my college. I messed up with my friends and it was like in such a way that I can’t even figure out why I am behaving like that. I can feel a true love in her and I also love her. But the thing that corrodes me inside is What is the Full truth… the more she tells the more I wanted to know. She said,her relationship was just one month old and after one month they were in bed. And after 5 days the guy faught with her and said I just want a physical relationship with her nothing more. There she got an Idea that she is going to end up with him. And she broke with him. Her ex tried many times to patc up but she said I never let that happen. My problem is how one can start so easy end so easy. Doubts are eating me inside. My imagination make me puke at time times. I am definitely going to talk to her clearly face to face so that if we are together there must be truth and peace. Any suggestions please reply.

  337. wah says:

    you are all a bunch of cucks

  338. Diana says:

    Dear Past Wrecks Future,

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Thank you for someone seeing our point of view too. Everyone says forget it, forget the past of others. I did that, and when I became intimate it became so much worse. I think waiters who really believe in this belief of waiting for marriage should marry waiters too, its the only way to have piece of mind. Its not fair to think and judge our partners who chose not to wait but I should not have to accept them for their transgressions.
    That is absolutely wrong in every way to not have told you more about his promiscuous past let alone not wearing protection. We were all so innocent at one point and its hard to think to ask these things when you are falling in love with someone and idealize them in rose colored glasses . I wish you luck with your journey in health and I cannot fathom what you must be feeling.I refused to get married without my now husband being tested and he did not do it until I told him I would not marry him a week before our marriage. Funny how they only listen after you have to say it in that way. We still lose sleep over this topic and I know deep down it’ll never be the same but I try.

  339. Lucy says:

    What about when you thought uou were his only and he was your only ..

    You get married

    One night it slips out. You were not his only after all.

    Pure hell

  340. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Dear Lucy,

    I really feel for you. It is not fair for him to have kept this information from you. You must surely be living a nightmare! I don’t know how long you have been married, but, after 27 years of marriage I am currently living my own nightmare. I was aware that my husband had sex before marrying me; however, he never fully divulged with whom he had slept with. It was only after I was diagnosed with herpes in June of 2017, and he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C in October 2017 that he informed me that what he had were one night stands with 3 different women. Worst of all, he was aware that these women were promiscuous. He had met them in clubs and I guess he was too horny to turn them down. I just cannot understand how he, knowing full well, that these women were promiscuous, that he could go ahead and sleep with them without having them tested. Did he not know about STDs? During our entire marriage, until now that is, he never told me the kind of women they were. I had to wait until the diagnoses to find out who they really were. How unfair to keep this important information from me. As I mentioned in a previous post, some men know what to say in order to get the woman they want to marry, and how to have her wrapped around their little finger. How dare he keep this information from me. I know there are many out there that say that the past should be left in the past, but for me, his past has become my present nightmare. Although he has received treatment for his Hep C, he has cirrhosis of the liver. This increases his chances for getting liver cancer. I don’t want to sound selfish or mean, but I did not bargain for this. As a result of his past indiscretions, I now have to deal with all of this??? I do love him, but there are days where I find myself getting sick to my stomach…literally. I did tell him that “I hope f*****g someone’s brains out was worth it”, because it has made my life a living hell. I have had to go to therapy to help me with all of this. Everyday is a struggle. All I wanted in life was to find someone who truly loved me, but how can someone who says they love you and commits themselves to you in marriage, lie to you? As a result, I am finding it very difficult to trust him. When one is in love, secrets should never be kept. They will find the light of day at some point. Unfortunately for me, these secrets have come during a stage in my life where I thought daily struggles were over. I raised 3 wonderful children and thought that at the age of 55 I would enjoy life with my husband. Instead, I have been confronted with a nightmare. Hope you are able to find your way Lucy! Please know that I truly understand.

  341. Lacey says:


    I am married to a man who told me when I asked, that he was not a virgin and had been with other women. I was 28 when we married, and he was 31. I was a virgin when we married and very naive having been raised in a very strict religious home and having a naturally conservative outlook on life. It is only now after 5 years of marriage that I am beginning to get a true picture of what he was doing with all of the 10 women all of whom he had serious relationships with and slept with countless times and as a matter of routine, as though they were a married couple as he told me. I just feel shortchanged having kept away from sexual relations of any kind only to end up with a man who had had sex thousands of time before my own first time on our wedding night. He was suspicious of the truth of my virginity on our wedding night and watched my every move suspiciously. I found the first sex experience painful and I was terrified but he acted like he thought I was faking it. A sermon at church sparked my curiosity, and today, I asked him for the first time ever, who was the first woman he had sex with. He gave a vague description and He asked me in return how many men had seen me naked and also how many men I had seen naked to which the answer was zero, only he my husband was the answer to both questions. He told me he had been doing all sort of things with women since high school or even prior, while sex started in Uni. Considering my clean slate, I was mortified to discover this today. I knew He was loose, but had never really asked for the details because I thought past is past. Truth is it seems, you can never know how hurt you will be until you do taste sex and realize just how much giving of yourself soul body and spirit is involved. He tries to justify the number of his escapades by comparing himself to other people in his circle who have had way many more women and twosome, etc. He believes he is a saint in comparison. He just is unable to grasp the idea of the pain I feel knowing that he has been naked in the presence of so many women and they have held him and touched him and got him to do to them all the things that we do together today and sure even much more. He says he is a new person now, but why did I have to be the one to get the used product in exchange for the new and unused? I do not fully understand yet why I never felt this way until now, but I feel it is because it is just now that I am beginning to actually give myself, trying to feel at ease with and enjoy sex and it suddenly dawns on me that it really is nothing to the one I am giving to. I feel torn up inside. I can’t even do any work. I searched online to see how I could deal with the feelings and found this site. Many people have expressed similar situations. The best would have been for me as a waiter to marry someone who is a also a waiter while also ticking the other boxes of what I want in a man. Just expressing my feelings because I really have no one I can talk to as I know their answers will be stereotyped and it doesn’t even matter in the end. We have 2 children together and I’m pregnant with a third. I have this feeling that our values differ far more than he is letting up and he from the beginning has tried to conduct himself in accordance with whatever he feels I expect of him. I wonder if as time goes on, I will not regret more and more. 10 women (maybe there are even much more that he doesn’t remember), routine sex in all 10 relationships just like a married couple. The last one broke his heart and I am the safe option he married primarily because of my non colorful sexual past. I feel he doesn’t deserve me. I feel like a fool. I feel like a retard for not considering the full picture and not being smart to ask all these questions and deal with them before saying “I do”. He mentioned having sex with a woman in her period and in my mind I’m like “just as you do with me” and I’m wondering is there anything special saved for me at all? I have just myself to blame for being naive. What do I do now? I am processing these thoughts and just in a numb state.

  342. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Dear Lacey,

    I have just read your post and know exactly how you feel. I am glad that you are able to express yourself honestly on this website. Many, especially in today’s world, do not understand the importance of sex, as part of a special relationship. Casual sex has become the norm in today’s society. I am older than you are, and still, to this day, cannot understand why my husband decided to sleep with women that he knew to be “loose”. I began by feeling stupid, just like you are feeling right now. Especially when I was confronted with STDs. How could I possibly have put my life in jeopardy and that of my children. I then realized that he was not truthful with me. It wasn’t that I was stupid, but that he decided for his own sake, to keep the truth about his sexual escapades a secret. Well, sure enough his secrets have come to surface. I have had such a terrible time having to adjust to these truths at this stage in my life, and after 27 years of marriage. However, I have come to realize that the only person in this relationship that is stupid, is he. I will no longer feel guilty and ashamed of being naive when I married him, because I did ask him all the questions; however, he is the one that streamlined his answers. He only divulged what he wanted, and not the real truth. I cannot lie, it still bothers me to know that these women, were, and have now become, more than ever a large part of our marriage. People do say leave the past in the past; however, how can I possibly do so now? Intimacy has become very difficult for me. During our most intimate moments, these women always come to mind. How could he have possibly let a few moments of pleasure with these whores, ruin his future and in turn my own. I feel as if life has played a joke on me. I know there are people out there that think that feeling and thinking this way is crazy. I used to think that as well. However, now being confronted with health issues as a result of his escapades, I find myself feeling very angry. I guess this must be normal. How could it not be. I am dumb founded when I think that it bothers him when his plate has a stain on it, or, when I pick from his plate to eat something. Yet, it didn’t bother him to sleep with women whose “plates” were not clean! Heck, he got gifts from them as a result. Gifts that I now need to contend with. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I should have listened to my intuition. It would have guided me in the right direction. If he were open with me from the very beginning, and had not kept these sluts a secret, I don’t think I would be feeling the way I currently do. Not only am I having to deal with STDs, my trust in him is null and void. How could I possible trust a man that has kept his secrets from me, from a partner that he decided to commit his life to, in marriage. I totally understand you feeling “numb”. I have, and at times, still do. But, listen to me, do not, ever, ever blame yourself for being naive. It is his fault for keeping the truth about his previous sexual relationships a secret. Isn’t openness and trust a major component in marriage? Take care, and please do keep sharing your emotions. It will help, because on this website, we are all going through the same journey.

  343. Don says:

    Wait if you can. Be absolutely honest with your future spouse if you did not wait. I thought that I had married a virtious woman with a single prior partner (her fiance). I had sex twice with my prior fiance during our three year relationship. I felt very guilty about my one prior partner and tried hard not to judge my wife for her one prior partner. Thirty years later, I keep learning more details about her very promiscious past. She has lied repeatedly over the past thirty plus years. She continues to deny everything, until she gets caught. Then it was “the only time” and “did not mean anything.” Over and over I learn this crap. It is killing me. I am back to a psychiatrist over the latest revelations. I cannot trust her. She shows no remourse over her past, only over being caught. Every time we make love I have the vision of her in various positions with multiple guys. The only plus is that after I read her diary (which she kept on a shelf inour bedroom for three decades) and learned she had done some seriously intimate oral sex acts with a guy she had just met shortly befo e sh met me, she has started givibg me much more satisfying oral sex. But I always picture this other guy on the receiving end. Had I known about her past we would not be married.
    Don’t have sex before marriage.
    Oral sex is sex,a very intimate kind of sex.
    Do not lie to a prospective spouse. They deserve to decide for themselves if they can accept your sexual baggage.
    Your past will come back to haunt you – and your spouse – forever.

  344. Don says:

    Ivan – please take your hateful attitude elsewhere. This is a post for Christians dealing with waiting and the pain of not waiting. It is not about judging. It is about dealing with our own emotions and the thoughts we cannot escape when we have a partner with a sexual past.

  345. Neil says:

    I starting dating my wife when we were 19. We’ve now been married 8 years together 13. She was my first, but I would not consider myself a waiter. It’s just the way it happened. I was her 5th partner.
    I knew all about her past. We dated, got engaged and then married.
    Five years ago I came across a memory book with pictures and stories of her past lovers. Long story short, I was devastated even though I did not uncover anything new. Rare that a day goes by that I don’t think about her past.

  346. Past Wrecks Future says:

    Hi Don,

    I totally understand what you are going through. Had I know my husband’s sexual history, I don’t think I would have married him either. After having asked him on several occasions about his past sexual relations, he kept shrugging off his answers. Now, finally confronted with medical issues due to his past indiscretions, he has had no choice but to tell the truth. It is difficult for me to understand how he could have possibly had some intimacy with women whom he knew had slept around. What kind of a man would do that? Was he not afraid to catch an STD? When I asked him about these women, he basically said that they were like “animals”. Wow, this really help matters. What am I to think at this point? I guess they must have been like “porn stars”, able to fulfill his animal sexual instincts. Wow…is all I can say. How could I have fallen in love with a man that has kept things from me, in order to protect only himself. I am having such a difficult time coping with things right now. I can’t have sex with him anymore…I am totally disgusted. And if and when I do, the first thought that comes to mind, are those sluts. What is even more frustrating is that he seems to be very protective of them. God forbid if I say anything bad about them. He says that I don’t know who these women are, and that I shouldn’t be saying these terrible things about them. Guess I know where I stand. I have finally realized that I have never been able to satisfy his sexual “animal” needs. I have even caught him on several occasions getting up in the middle of the night to watch porn. We have been married for 27 years, am 55 years old, and really didn’t need to be confronted with this situation right now. I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. I am also going to therapy because every time I see a woman that is around my age, I wonder if she is one of “them”. It makes me sick to my stomach to have to live like this. I blame him for the way I am feeling, and what I am currently going through. It is because of him that I got Herpes, and because of his actions that he has been diagnosed with Hep C. I am thankful that I do not have Hep C and count my blessings that he wasn’t infected with HIV. I am living in continual misery. The problems I am having to deal with right now, are not so much that he had sex before we met and got married, but because he kept this important information from me. I no longer trust him. How could you commit yourself in marriage to a human being and keep things from them. I was open with him from the start. I sometimes wonder what I ever did to have had this situation happen to me. Why could he not have been honest and open with me? All of this has messed up my life, my relationship with him and especially my sexual relationship with him. I will never be sexually “good enough” for him. I feel like he married a “good girl” who would take care of his children and his home. And sexually, watching porn and jerking off will keep him sexually satisfied. Even after his diagnosis, I know that he is looking up “sexy women” on the internet. How could he even think about sex, when the troubles we are currently having in our relationship, stem from his sexual past??? Neither he nor I would be dealing with STDs because of his promiscuous past. It sickens me…totally!!!

  347. William says:

    A wife cannot rape her husband, and her husband cannot rape his wife. When you say “I do,” you are consenting to sex with your spouse whoever they want. Don’t like that? Don’t get married. The Bible is crystal clear that a husband and wife are “one flesh” and are to satisfy each other’s sexual desires. And oxytocin is a powerful chemical released at childbirth so a Mother bonds with her child, and during sex do a husband and wife bond. Promiscuous women bond with each of their many partners. The bond is strongest with her “first.” Her bond is weaker with each subsequent partner. By the time she marries, she is unlikely to bond with her husband. That is why women who marry their “first” have the happiest marriages and the lowest divorce rate. Women with more than 10 partners have the least happy marriages and the highest divorce rate. Sleep around if you want, but realize that actions have co sequences and your promiscuity is dooming tour future marriage – which does amount to cheating in your future husband as he will have a less happy marriage and a higher risk of divorce thanks to your promiscuity.

  348. Jesse says:

    On the waiting till marriage article I’m mostly a type # 2, with strong overtones of #3-7, but the problem is I didn’t just “find out “ about her past after we met. We met when she was 15 and I was 16 and both were still virtuous. I took her on her and my first real date to my junior prom (where nothing at all happened, not even a kiss). Also I know both previous partners of her’s very intimately and have seen it acted out in person (physical relationship, not sex but heavy making out and groping ) first hand so I have a very clear visual of what it looks like. Also I really love one guy who was one of my grooms men in our wedding even though it killed me, which is hard, and hate the other guy with a deep and abiding passion because he’s a terrible piece of trash human being who cares nothing for her or any of the countless others he’s damaged. even harder. Harder still is that in this type in the article, which smacks pretty true to me, it says there is only one way to deal with it, find someone who is that much crazier about you, absolutely nuts for you, that it kind of makes up the difference. Trouble is I’ve always been more nuts for Sarah than the other oway around. I literally fell in love at first sight and have been ever since. For years we were great friends and I openly woo’d her only to be rebuffed as a friend while she went off with these other guys. I couldn’t take it and stopped talking to her but eventually my love for her broke through and I reconnected and now she was ready and willing, trouble was that I had waited for her and she didn’t for me. On top of that, or maybe just to illustrate it, when bad times come I have always maintained that no matter what I will never leave her, never stop my passion for her. On the other hand she has threatened and sometimes actually does loose passion, think of leaving, tell me we’ll end “unless “ so and so changes. Makes me feel infinitely more like a sucker. God I hate this hole in me so much!!! We’ve been together for almost 19 years and been married almost 17. We have 4 kids. Yet to this day it tears me apart and I regularly get sick about it. I still deeply love her and she truly does love me but no matter how long passes, this is a cancer I have never been able to kill.

  349. Jesse says:

    I guess after reading some of the comments above, even though this article and thread are very old I, to avoid flaming I’m going to clarify. I’m just looking for ideas for help. I was mostly able to maintain sanity about it for the first 15 years or so even though it robbed me of much joy in many areas and she could detect it but didn’t understand and so misinterpreted it. I have no intention of leaving or divorce EVER. And also to further clarify, we were both virgins in every single way when we met, I personally know every guy she’s dated and everything done with each, and in several cases been an unfortunate observer. Also, I have never had another girlfriend in my life besides her and never done anything beyond basic “making out” and only that with a couple girls total. Any advice from guys who have overcome anything similar with help and grace from our Lord and Savior would be greatly appreciated.

  350. Liz says:

    I guess i will never be happy. I tried to blow my bestfriend once and my ex once. After which i never did again. I was curious, I didn’t know about the gravity of my actions. I didn’t have intercourse because i believed that was the sex God said we shouldn’t have till marriage. I wish i had known. Now I’m screwed. No sensible guy would want me again. I’m full of regrets. I feel like ending my life.

  351. Confused says:

    I have been married 39 years and just found out that my husband had sex with a ex girlfriend before me . He had lived together with someone which I known about but this was a total shock in my face . I was a virgin for him and he knew I had ask how girls you have sex with prior to me and he answered 1 , he outfaced lied to me so I felt /feel everyone of these emotions . 6 months have passed and therapy ended and I still have demons of not wanting him no more but yet love him dearly. We have started attending church and he truly sorry for his past and his secret he kept all these years ! He was ashamed and embarrassed of what he had done and was afraid I would not want him for his behavior , he loves me so and has given me a beautiful life but I am crushed from the betrayal/ deceit however you look at it .. I feel I will struggle the rest of my marriage to forgive and forget or get tired of the pain and walk away ! He has ask me to renew our vows on a different day so it will be all new knowing what we know now , 2 kids 8 grandkids and I guess deserves a shot ! Please pray for me .. I am confused and hurt deeply !! This article is wonderful and has lighted my heart to not feel alone and to process some of his feelings and as mine .. I found it to be very interesting and helpful.. Thank you for posting such a article to help so many

  352. Veein says:

    People, don’t be ashamed of feeling bad about sexual past. You are simply victim of an unscientific view our society holds dear. Go back in history and see how never anywhere in the world, prostitutes were respected and any person was ready to marry them. This thing has nothing to do with religions, but everything to do with our survival need. Go study attachment theory. It says that when we are in stable relationship everything in the world becomes easy to do. Your independence and risk taking power expand. It is also a fact that men can’t live longer without a lifelong partner. And if they fail to defend their territory, their genes eventually perish. It is a fact that people with sexual past are a threat to our survival. The reason is that we feel they may leave us. We have the fear that if we forgive it they may cheat on us for not being able to create a bond with us. We are naturally concerned about the diseases also. By keeping someone with sexual past at bay and choosing someone who has self control, we increase the rate of our survival. You can see it all in our divorce rate. When you feel about your partner’s sexual past you are showing that you want to save your territory and genes.

    You also have to understand that it is necessary for the human race to keep sex a mystery and limited to marriage only. Those who research sex eventually suffer from not being able to feel turned on. You will notice that the higher you go with casual sex the more intense becomes your demand for variety to feel aroused. Once married, your interest in sex will decline. That is dangerous for the survival of the marriage. Best sex comes from intermingling of emotions and treating each other like king and queen. Someone who saw it and did it before fails in that. They are just too focused on techniques. That way they block bonding and you no more can feel close to them. if you waited you have the right to feel sad that you will never get that thing from your partner.

  353. Past Wrecks Future says:

    It has been a while since my last post. I have been having a lot of difficulty recently. Therapy is somewhat helping. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of the shock I have experienced in contracting herpes from my husband, followed immediately with his Hep C diagnosis. He kept his one night stands(he had before we met), a secret throughout our entire marriage, and now, I need to deal with the consequences. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. I don’t think it’s right for people to keep their sexual past a secret! Look at what has happened to me. If I would have known the truth about his past, I would at least have been given the option to continue the relationship or not. Furthermore, I would have certainly had him tested for STDs. He took advantage of me being naive and used it for his advantage. I cannot trust him anymore. Furthermore, our sex life is non existent. Every time I try to be intimate with him, images of those women he had one night stands with come racing in my mind. I have been robbed of the sexual intimacy with my husband. Listen people, as much as it may hurt the person you love, you need to fully divulge your sexual past to them. Look at what has happened to me. Don’t keep your sexual exploitations a secret. Secrets will come back to haunt you, and destroy the relationship you have with the person you have married. Marriage is a commitment to be entered without secrets. Society nowadays has destroyed the portrayal of sex, and, as a result, has refused to outline or acknowledge what may happen as a result of having pre-marital sex, especially when one decides to have sex with an individual they know to be promiscuous. We need to start talking about the reality of STDs! Furthermore, keeping past sexual history a secret, will destroy everything in your relationship.

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