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The 7 Reactions that Girls Will Have When You Tell Them You’re Waiting

August 28th, 2011 by

You’ve done it. You’ve got a date. It’s a happy time for you, Mr. Alpha Male. She’s pretty, she’s at least mildly interesting, and most importantly she agreed to go out with you, but how will she take it when you break the news that you’re waiting till marriage? Secretly, you’re hoping that she’ll enthusiastically reveal that she’s waiting too. But you know that this is statistically unlikely. So how will she react? In my experience, girls’ reactions fall within one of these seven ranges.

1. Shame/Embarrassment

Most girls begin their lives with noble ideas about waiting, abstinence, and love, and then later they find themselves having to abandon them. When you tell her that you’re waiting, she suddenly remembers all of the values, ideals, and fantasies that she didn’t end up following through on, and some part of her feels like she failed her younger self’s vision of the world, making her sad and a little embarrassed.

The good news is that if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t assign you enough importance to evaluate herself against your ideals. And if she didn’t deeply respect your decision, she would feel no guilt about not choosing it for herself.

If you encounter this reaction, try not to make her feel worse. Do what you can to break the tension and show her that her lack of commonality in that area isn’t a deal-breaker for you. It’s not something you meant to shove in her face; just something you want her to be aware of and (hopefully) be OK with.

2. Confidence

If a girl really likes you, but doesn’t particularly respect your decision to wait, she may decide that your waiting status is only a minor obstacle for her; a challenge easily overcome by her feminine powers. She may try to logic you out of waiting, she may try to slyly drop hints at the fun you could have, and she may do these things while being on top of you (figuring that it’s easier to convince you when your big head is turned off).

Enjoy the ride, but you should know that ultimately this girl may not be satisfied if she can’t break your resolve. If you remain committed to waiting, she may reevaluate her decision to enter into a realtionship with you once she realizes that you are actually serious about the waiting thing.

3. Fake Enthusiasm/Excessive Praise

You tell her that you’re waiting till marriage and she jumps through the ceiling with praise and excitement. She doesn’t believe you. She triple verifies: You’re serious? Never? For real? She’s amazed. She’s never met anybody like you. She totally agrees with those values. Sexual virtue is really important to her too and she’s so glad that it’s so important to you. She reiterates how important it is to her. She’s practically just like you, she says. Your waiting is no problem at all. She wants you, not sex! She’s more than happy to creatively work around whatever line you’ve drawn when it comes to physical stuff.

And then two weeks later she drops off the face of the earth and avoids you completely. This leaves you confused, because you thought she was so accepting about it.

Waiting till marriage is a serious decision. If a girl doesn’t hesitate when you tell her you’re waiting, then it can sometimes mean that she’s rationalizing. She has already sold herself big time on the idea of dating you, she’s hanging her hopes on you, and she’s going to do everything she can to make this work….and that means mirroring anything you say and accepting it instantly, even if it’s something extreme like waiting till marriage.

She’s telling herself that it can work with you waiting, but she subconsciously knows that it can’t. Later, as her mind begins to accept the reality of what your decision to wait means, she will grow less and less OK with it. Do not mourn this loss. Most likely, you did not have a lot in common with this girl in the first place, which is why she felt the urge to rationalize in your favor so passionately.

4. Tortured Disappointment

This one hurts. She likes you, she respects your decision to wait. But she’s a very physical and emotional girl. Sex is a part of relationships that she’s grown accustomed to, and she needs that connection to feel fulfilled. With regret, she downgrades you to the friendzone, but she feels like a monster for it.

Getting this reaction from a girl you really like may make you question your decision to wait. All of your senses tell you that waiting till marriage just cost you a chance with a great girl. And by some measures, that’s exactly what happened.

Ultimately it’s an issue of affection and personality difference. If she was a slightly different person, she could wait with you. If she liked you just a little more, she could wait. But based on her current personality and mid-grade affections for you, she just can’t.

There are other girls who would be happy to wait with you. Those girls have more similar values to your own and/or like you more than this girl does, and you may well be happier with them. But that doesn’t make this one any less painful.

There’s a slight chance in hell that this type of girl will come around to taking a shot with you as she gets older and continues to like and respect you, but don’t hold your breath. Move on. Most likely, you only morn the relationship that you think you could have had with her…not necessarily the one you would have actually had. Be realistic about your other differences and you’ll feel better.

5. Revulsion

This reaction can range in extremity, and usually comes from a girl who neither likes you nor respects your decision to wait. She is so appalled by the idea of waiting till marriage that she immediately tries to talk you out of it as if you had told her you were joining a Kamikaze squadron: “You’re what? Waiting? Oh God no. Don’t do that. That’s awful.” I’ve actually had one girl flatly say “How can anyone stand to be with you without sex?”

The idea of waiting till marriage is extremely foreign and unpleasant to her. More often than not, you will get this reaction from girls who have a fairly promiscuous past and a very casual attitude about sex. For them, sex is mostly physical and only a little emotional.

Note: This is not to say that a promiscuous past alone precludes a girl from accepting your decision to wait. I’ve dated girls with colorful pasts who were very understanding about my waiting.

It should be obvious to you at this point that this relationship doesn’t have much of a future to it. You are too far apart in values for this ever to work. You assign sex the ultimate meaning, she assigns it no meaning. You want a girl that can at least meet you half way. Move on.

6. No Reaction

In my experience, it is not the girl who instantly praises your decision to wait that will end up being in a long-term relationship with you; it’s the one who takes the news seriously and hardly responds at all (outwardly). When you tell a girl you’re waiting and she barely reacts, it can mean that she’s accepted your waiting status and decided to try dating you anyway. You will often get this reaction from girls who know about your waiting status in advance.

Think about what’s happening inside the mind of a girl who gives you no reaction. She might be going nuts with conflicts and dilemmas inside her head, but she doesn’t let you see it. She’s thinking about it. She’s processing it. And she’s leaning towards accepting it. She’s preparing herself and getting her head ready for a relationship with you.

She internalizes any dilemmas that she has about your waiting because she respects you and she cares about being with you on a deep, thoughtful level.

Keep in mind though that just because she put more effort in than many other girls doesn’t mean that she’s immune to the pressure of wanting what she’s grown accustomed to in relationships (sex). Give her all the credit in the world for waiting on you, but don’t try to convert her to waiting on her own. Enjoy a great relationship with a girl who is very, very interested in you.

7. Hey me too!

You’re on easy street if you get this reaction. As wonderful as it is to find another virgin, it’s usually anti-climatic when you first find out that you’re both waiting. It’s more often a “Hey neat we’re both waiting!” reaction than it is the “Oh my God I’ve searched the world for another and I’ve finally found one!” that you’re expecting.

As we’ve discussed in Project: Virgin Radar, it’s very rare that you will be completely surprised when you find out that a girl you’re interested in is also waiting. Some part of you kind of picks up on it in advance, usually. And the same can probably be said for her picking up on your waiting status in advance.

Even if you don’t date this girl, you’ve found a kindred spirit out there in the world and it will leave you forever changed, in a positive way. You’ll learn much from your commonalities, but just because she shares that crucial quality doesn’t mean you are otherwise compatible.

Of course, more often than not you will be very compatible with a girl who is also waiting. Dating a girl who is also waiting is easy and wonderful for plenty of reasons. First of all, you will have virtually no hang-ups about her past. Second, you will have similar values about far more than just sex.

If your other personality traits line up (intelligence, humor, spirituality or lack thereof, etc.), then you have the potential for a real and lasting happiness with this girl that you will rarely find elsewhere. Congratulations!

In case you missed it, be sure to check out Anna’s excellent article The 5 Reactions that Guys Will Have When You Tell Them You’re Waiting

Author: Mike

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

28 Responses to “The 7 Reactions that Girls Will Have When You Tell Them You’re Waiting”

  1. Samuel says:

    Thanks for this I was waiting for an article like this for a while. I know what its like with the over reactive ones, its a huge bummer. I found this really helpful.

  2. Sally says:

    Just wondering how different this is from the guys one?? I think only #2 is different….although some guys do still try to pressure….

  3. Mike says:

    @Samuel – Yeah the Fake Enthusiasm one totally had me fooled when I first encountered it. Totally sucks!

    @Sally – Guys and girl’s aren’t super different on this, I guess. So it makes sense that the articles are very similar, with a slightly different feel. :-/

  4. ThatGuy says:

    I was waiting for this article for a while. Thanks, Mike. Good job! I particularly enjoyed this part:

    “Most girls begin their lives with noble ideas about waiting, abstinence, and love, and then later they find themselves having to abandon them. When you tell her that you’re waiting, she suddenly remembers all of the values, ideals, and fantasies that she didn’t end up following through on”

    So true…whether people want admit it or not.

  5. cameron says:

    I’m not a virgin and have recently decided to wait. I hope I have what it takes to do it, but what my main concern is: since i’m not a virgin, how will others take it. ie…i didn’t wait before why is it so important now?

  6. ThatGuy says:

    Hi Cameron,

    Congrats on your decision to wait.

    That’s a great question. Are you asking from a general perspective or a dating perspective? Generally speaking, from my experience on this forums, I think many people will actually take it “well”. I’m a virgin and I, along with many on this site, don’t degrade or condemn others for not waiting. We are very accepting.

    From a dating perspective, some won’t mind that you haven’t waited, and will greatly appreciate the fact that you will wait for them.

  7. Gabe says:

    I’m waiting… but its getting harder everyday

  8. Damion Deek says:

    Some woner if you’re gay as guy doing that. Lol. Funny but true.

  9. Mike says:

    @Damion – Yeah some people think that if you’re waiting it means you must have some kind of sexual hangup (in the closet, afraid of intimacy, etc). Annoying, for sure.

  10. Michael says:

    Who’s the girl in photo number 7? Is she single :D? She’s purdy!

  11. Mike says:

    @Michael – She’s a random stock photo model! You can find her on if you’d like to stalk her.

  12. Michael says:

    @mike – Haha, darn 😛 Oh well! Plenty of other fish in the sea :)

  13. Prakash says:

    I like it my mummy so my wife is understanding my mummy :-)

  14. Karina says:

    Thanks guys! It is so encouraging to know that there are virgin men out there as well.
    By the way I have brothers, how can I help and support their desions to remain virgins and how can I protect them from girls who are only interested in them 4 the wrong reasons?

  15. Mike says:

    Hi Karina!

    That’s a really good question. The fact that you’re asking “How do help and support them?” is a good sign. It means your head is in the right place. Some people ask the same question, but they ask “How can I make sure they stay true?” to which I usually reply “You can’t.” But you can certainly help and support them.

    As the adoring sister, you have three incredibly valuable skills at your disposal:

    1. You’re a girl; you know how girls think. You can spot a bad girl from a mile away.

    2. You’re in a position to provide emotional support that your brothers will listen to. Many guys are actually more comfortable talking about their feelings with girls whom they trust instead of other guys.

    3. You’re an age peer. Your brothers will talk to you about things that they wouldn’t bring up with your parents.

    Knowing this, I suggest three tactics:

    1. Be positive whenever you can. If you tear apart every girl your brothers bring home, they’re not going to trust your opinion (remember the story of the boy who cried wolf?). You should blindly support 90% of the girls they bring home, especially the first ones. Try to understand what your brother sees in the girl and appreciate it, even if she’s not perfect (after all, nobody is).

    2. Strive to become real (not fake) friends with all the girls your brothers date (especially the ones you don’t like). You might think you should be tough with their girlfriends, but being genuinely friendly is much more powerful.

    It’s not just a matter of being polite when you see the girl. Do more than that. Way more. Pull her away at family events and develop your own special little bond. Find SOMETHING to like about her (most everybody has redeeming qualities). You’ll learn more about the girls by being friendly, and your brothers will LOVE you for it.

    And if you need to tear one apart, your brothers will believe you.

    As an example, my gay brother is the closest thing I have to a sister. He is better friends with most of my ex girlfriends than I am. When I get in a fight with a girlfriend, we’ll both call my brother to vent, and he’ll help us understand each other. He has never advised me against dating a girl, but if he did, I would take his opinion very, very seriously.

    3. For problem girls: If some girl is ruining your brother, don’t flip out. Stay cool. Keep your head. Keep your optimism and respect your brother’s interest in her. Your first priority is to be his friend.

    If you see issues with a girl, ask very observant questions. As an example, don’t just say “She seems like the type of girl who’s going to string you along while she chats up six other guys.” Make observations: “Have you watched her body language when we’re all out to eat? She never focuses on you. And she’s always texting. When you try to be affectionate, she just rolls her eyes and huffs.”

    Now, when you point out something like that, it’s going to bruise your brother’s ego, so the next words out of your mouth should be positive. Like, “You’re such a smart, funny guy. Lot’s of girls would respond with smiles and pleasure if you were affectionate with them, not disdain.”

    If possible, give him some alternatives. You have girl friends. You can say things like “My [hot] friend Susie laughs her butt off when you crack a joke.”

    But again, this is only a last resort. Don’t know if that helped at all, but good luck!

  16. anonymous says:

    so i’m wondering…how exactly and when do you tell a girl that you started dating that you are waiting?

  17. noman khan says:

    will u marry me I’m waiting for u darling?

  18. darwesh says:

    If girle no 1 marry with me so i am ready

  19. Kart says:

    I been waiting so long that I know no girl will marry me. I have too many deal breakers such as non smoking, no alcohol and drugs.

  20. Sandra says:

    8.- Gets you a good psychologist’s number, and encourages you to seek help, because you need it :)

  21. Jegsy Scarr says:

    @Sandra: And this is the reason for this site. Because many people are so intolerant of other people who choose to wait till marriage. They ridicule someone’s decision to wait, just because it’s something they don’t agree with, don’t understand or just don’t want to do themselves. So even though it’s a perfectly legitimate choice, they think it’s okay to insult someone, tell them they need to “seek help”, just because they disagree with them.

    This is why we have this site. So people who make the choice to wait have somewhere to go where their decision won’t be ridiculed.


  22. Sandra says:

    There are also sites who support bulimia, that doesn’t make it okay, does it?

  23. Jegsy Scarr says:

    @Sandra: Excuse me? You’re comparing the choice to wait till marriage with bulimia? 150,000 people die from bulimia every single year. No one has ever died because they chose not to have sex. Virginity is not a disease. How can you possibly compare the two?


  24. Sandra says:

    Maybe not, but sexual deprivation is not a nice thing, because no, not everyone will get married, and if you wait till a wedding that will probably never come, doesn’t end well.

  25. Sandra says:

    … equally catastrophic results when you marry because you can’t wait, I mean, “because we felt it was meant to be”

  26. ronald says:

    tnkx all u guys n girl I read ur cmnt its helpful

  27. Kholo says:

    Thx 4 ur help

  28. Sabby says:

    I really wish there were a lot of men who are willing to wait. I’m 21,and all I’ve found around me is countless men who have already lost it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like I would not have a good relationship,because the man probably wants to have sex before marriage because he’s been conditioned to believe that you have to have sex in a relationship otherwise it’s not “Love”. I also don’t want someone who is a diehard Christian just because they’ve waited. I’m Pagan,and I’ve never had a chance to have a boyfriend because whenever I’ve met a man that I’ve liked,once I tell them that I want to be a virgin till marriage,they just quietly slip away and never talk to me ever again. Perhaps my man isn’t here in the US,probably the problem is also where I live (Miami) Is there really any hope? Or is this a lost cause for a woman like me?

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