The 7 Reactions that Girls Will Have When You Tell Them You’re WaitingAugust 28th, 2011 by Mike
You’ve done it. You’ve got a date. It’s a happy time for you, Mr. Alpha Male. She’s pretty, she’s at least mildly interesting, and most importantly she agreed to go out with you, but how will she take it when you break the news that you’re waiting till marriage? Secretly, you’re hoping that she’ll enthusiastically reveal that she’s waiting too. But you know that this is statistically unlikely. So how will she react? In my experience, girls’ reactions fall within one of these seven ranges.
Most girls begin their lives with noble ideas about waiting, abstinence, and love, and then later they find themselves having to abandon them. When you tell her that you’re waiting, she suddenly remembers all of the values, ideals, and fantasies that she didn’t end up following through on, and some part of her feels like she failed her younger self’s vision of the world, making her sad and a little embarrassed.
The good news is that if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t assign you enough importance to evaluate herself against your ideals. And if she didn’t deeply respect your decision, she would feel no guilt about not choosing it for herself.
If you encounter this reaction, try not to make her feel worse. Do what you can to break the tension and show her that her lack of commonality in that area isn’t a deal-breaker for you. It’s not something you meant to shove in her face; just something you want her to be aware of and (hopefully) be OK with.
If a girl really likes you, but doesn’t particularly respect your decision to wait, she may decide that your waiting status is only a minor obstacle for her; a challenge easily overcome by her feminine powers. She may try to logic you out of waiting, she may try to slyly drop hints at the fun you could have, and she may do these things while being on top of you (figuring that it’s easier to convince you when your big head is turned off).
Enjoy the ride, but you should know that ultimately this girl may not be satisfied if she can’t break your resolve. If you remain committed to waiting, she may reevaluate her decision to enter into a realtionship with you once she realizes that you are actually serious about the waiting thing.
3. Fake Enthusiasm/Excessive Praise
You tell her that you’re waiting till marriage and she jumps through the ceiling with praise and excitement. She doesn’t believe you. She triple verifies: You’re serious? Never? For real? She’s amazed. She’s never met anybody like you. She totally agrees with those values. Sexual virtue is really important to her too and she’s so glad that it’s so important to you. She reiterates how important it is to her. She’s practically just like you, she says. Your waiting is no problem at all. She wants you, not sex! She’s more than happy to creatively work around whatever line you’ve drawn when it comes to physical stuff.
And then two weeks later she drops off the face of the earth and avoids you completely. This leaves you confused, because you thought she was so accepting about it.
Waiting till marriage is a serious decision. If a girl doesn’t hesitate when you tell her you’re waiting, then it can sometimes mean that she’s rationalizing. She has already sold herself big time on the idea of dating you, she’s hanging her hopes on you, and she’s going to do everything she can to make this work….and that means mirroring anything you say and accepting it instantly, even if it’s something extreme like waiting till marriage.
She’s telling herself that it can work with you waiting, but she subconsciously knows that it can’t. Later, as her mind begins to accept the reality of what your decision to wait means, she will grow less and less OK with it. Do not mourn this loss. Most likely, you did not have a lot in common with this girl in the first place, which is why she felt the urge to rationalize in your favor so passionately.
4. Tortured Disappointment
This one hurts. She likes you, she respects your decision to wait. But she’s a very physical and emotional girl. Sex is a part of relationships that she’s grown accustomed to, and she needs that connection to feel fulfilled. With regret, she downgrades you to the friendzone, but she feels like a monster for it.
Getting this reaction from a girl you really like may make you question your decision to wait. All of your senses tell you that waiting till marriage just cost you a chance with a great girl. And by some measures, that’s exactly what happened.
Ultimately it’s an issue of affection and personality difference. If she was a slightly different person, she could wait with you. If she liked you just a little more, she could wait. But based on her current personality and mid-grade affections for you, she just can’t.
There are other girls who would be happy to wait with you. Those girls have more similar values to your own and/or like you more than this girl does, and you may well be happier with them. But that doesn’t make this one any less painful.
There’s a slight chance in hell that this type of girl will come around to taking a shot with you as she gets older and continues to like and respect you, but don’t hold your breath. Move on. Most likely, you only morn the relationship that you think you could have had with her…not necessarily the one you would have actually had. Be realistic about your other differences and you’ll feel better.
This reaction can range in extremity, and usually comes from a girl who neither likes you nor respects your decision to wait. She is so appalled by the idea of waiting till marriage that she immediately tries to talk you out of it as if you had told her you were joining a Kamikaze squadron: “You’re what? Waiting? Oh God no. Don’t do that. That’s awful.” I’ve actually had one girl flatly say “How can anyone stand to be with you without sex?”
The idea of waiting till marriage is extremely foreign and unpleasant to her. More often than not, you will get this reaction from girls who have a fairly promiscuous past and a very casual attitude about sex. For them, sex is mostly physical and only a little emotional.
Note: This is not to say that a promiscuous past alone precludes a girl from accepting your decision to wait. I’ve dated girls with colorful pasts who were very understanding about my waiting.
It should be obvious to you at this point that this relationship doesn’t have much of a future to it. You are too far apart in values for this ever to work. You assign sex the ultimate meaning, she assigns it no meaning. You want a girl that can at least meet you half way. Move on.
6. No Reaction
In my experience, it is not the girl who instantly praises your decision to wait that will end up being in a long-term relationship with you; it’s the one who takes the news seriously and hardly responds at all (outwardly). When you tell a girl you’re waiting and she barely reacts, it can mean that she’s accepted your waiting status and decided to try dating you anyway. You will often get this reaction from girls who know about your waiting status in advance.
Think about what’s happening inside the mind of a girl who gives you no reaction. She might be going nuts with conflicts and dilemmas inside her head, but she doesn’t let you see it. She’s thinking about it. She’s processing it. And she’s leaning towards accepting it. She’s preparing herself and getting her head ready for a relationship with you.
She internalizes any dilemmas that she has about your waiting because she respects you and she cares about being with you on a deep, thoughtful level.
Keep in mind though that just because she put more effort in than many other girls doesn’t mean that she’s immune to the pressure of wanting what she’s grown accustomed to in relationships (sex). Give her all the credit in the world for waiting on you, but don’t try to convert her to waiting on her own. Enjoy a great relationship with a girl who is very, very interested in you.
7. Hey me too!
You’re on easy street if you get this reaction. As wonderful as it is to find another virgin, it’s usually anti-climatic when you first find out that you’re both waiting. It’s more often a “Hey neat we’re both waiting!” reaction than it is the “Oh my God I’ve searched the world for another and I’ve finally found one!” that you’re expecting.
As we’ve discussed in Project: Virgin Radar, it’s very rare that you will be completely surprised when you find out that a girl you’re interested in is also waiting. Some part of you kind of picks up on it in advance, usually. And the same can probably be said for her picking up on your waiting status in advance.
Even if you don’t date this girl, you’ve found a kindred spirit out there in the world and it will leave you forever changed, in a positive way. You’ll learn much from your commonalities, but just because she shares that crucial quality doesn’t mean you are otherwise compatible.
Of course, more often than not you will be very compatible with a girl who is also waiting. Dating a girl who is also waiting is easy and wonderful for plenty of reasons. First of all, you will have virtually no hang-ups about her past. Second, you will have similar values about far more than just sex.
If your other personality traits line up (intelligence, humor, spirituality or lack thereof, etc.), then you have the potential for a real and lasting happiness with this girl that you will rarely find elsewhere. Congratulations!
In case you missed it, be sure to check out Anna’s excellent article The 5 Reactions that Guys Will Have When You Tell Them You’re Waiting