The Top 11 Awesome Benefits of Waiting Until Marriage
June 24th, 2011 by Mike#1. A Chip On Your Shoulder About Changing The World
Every kid wants to grow up and be a hero. Some kids even want to change the world. As they get older, most people lose this innocent idealism, and focus on just living as well as possible in the world.
When you wait until marriage to have sex, you preserve your innocence, and as a result you carry more of that child-like idealism into your adult life. When you take that idealism — that heroic vision for who you can be and what you can achieve — and combine it with an adult’s ability to act and comprehend, you can do truly great things (if you don’t let the voices of convention talk you into giving up first).
But there’s a catch: This desire to do great things with your life is a burden as much as it is a blessing. You will carry it around with you at all times, like a chip on your shoulder. It will make you unhappy fast if you’re not doing something fulfilling. It will tear you down. It will tell you that you should be better…that you should be more. And the only way to make that voice leave you alone is to give it what it wants: go out there and do it; change your own little piece of the world, and that little voice will cheer you on.
#2. Laser Focus
Take away a child’s favorite toy and put it on a high shelf, where he can see it but not reach it. Don’t tell him how to get it back. For the next phase of that child’s life, he will do everything in his power to get you to give him that toy back. First he may scream and misbehave. Ignore him. Then he will try being extra good. Move the toy slightly closer to his level every time does something nice. Once he realizes the connection between doing good and the toy moving closer, you will have the most well-behaved and obedient child on earth (so long as the toy stays important to him).
Now think of that child as a young adult, and that toy as true love. Think of what people will do when they are suddenly deprived of the person they love. They will cross oceans, conquer nations, and work their fingers to the bone. And all the while, they think of nothing else…they are wholly, ruthlessly focused on re-acquiring the love that they’ve been deprived of, and nothing will stand in their way.
When you decide to wait until marriage to have sex, you are willingly becoming the obedient child, the lovelorn conquerer. The difference is, the “parent” you are obeying is either God (if you’re a theist) or your own inner vision for what you want your life to be…and those are very powerful, healthy, productive masters.
When you start to get distracted, you will remember this great thing that you are missing — this favorite toy that you’ve willfully set high on a shelf — and you will refocus yourself, and drive ahead harder and harder…until one day you win it. And it’s everything you thought it would be.
#3. An Indestructible Spirit
Picture your heart as a container for your spirit. Feel it beating in your chest. Picture yourself filling your heart with everything you love, everything you deeply care about, all your hopes and dreams, all your uniquness — all the qualities that make you special. Picture all those things contained in your heart….
Now, how are you going to protect those things?
Some people don’t protect them at all…they go out into the world and allow their weak values to be crushed by the first mild pressure they encounter. Some people become self-destructive and actively try to rip out, destroy, and starve-to-death each and every last piece of goodness and righteousness within them.
Some people hold tight to their values, one by one, and defend them individually against outside pressures. Some values make it through the battles. Others are weakened or killed.
People that wait until marriage take a different approach. They make a vow to themselves. A vow made solid by action in its service. A vow that (whether they know it or not at the time) will come to represent all of the values that led them to make it.
Waiting till marriage starts out as just a decision about sex. But it becomes so much more. If you choose it, this calling becomes the unspoken core and protector of everything you hold dear in yourself. As long as you maintain your virginity (original or re-claimed) the values and character that come with it will remain alive as well, because every day that you — consciously or not — reaffirm your status as waiting, you reaffirm your values as well. Most people do not do this daily re-affirmation of their values; for those that wait it is built-in, and that’s what makes them so strong.
You may destroy and remake the rest of yourself a dozen times during your journey though young-adulthood, but this piece of you…held deep down…stays intact. And this is one of the greatest benefits of waiting till marriage: you will keep the important parts of yourself alive even as you destroy or change everything else.
#4. Pureness of Heart
There’s a lot of controversy surrounding the idea of waiting till marriage for sex. Lots of people will try to argue you out of it. But for all the people that will tell you that you’re being naive or that you’re making too big a deal out of sex, or that you’re being stupid — none of them will say that waiting isn’t hard, and none of them will say that waiting isn’t noble.
And that defines the type person who waits: Somebody that is willing to do a hard thing for a noble reason, other peoples’ opinions be damned.
You will find over the course of your journey that this attitude — this desire to pursue the most noble course of action — will start manifesting in other areas of your life. It will make you focused on improving yourself at all costs. It will push you to grow, to mature, to better yourself every day of your life…and to constantly monitor your reasons and intentions.
These are the qualities of a nice person, a kind person, a loving person. Somebody with a big, strong heart that will stay untainted even as the hearts of those around them are poisoned.
People don’t necessarily acquire this kind of a heart by waiting till marriage for sex; they usually have it to begin with. They decide to wait as a symptom of having a big, genuine heart. It’s kind of like the Chicken and the Egg dilemma (which came first?): People who have big hearts wait until marriage, and people that wait until marriage have big hearts. One will usually cause the other.
However you get there, when you wait until marriage you will become (if you are not already) a deeply caring person, who is (often obsessively) concerned with doing the rightest, truest thing that you can think of at all times.
#5. The Ability to Dodge Bullets
As you grow older, you will live to see people get shot down in flames. You will see friends catch awful sexually-transmitted diseases, and you will sense their sudden, inescapable devastation, as if they’ve been branded for life — and they have. You will see friends get pregnant accidentally, far too young; and watch as it totally stalls and redirects the course of their young life. You will know somebody who got an abortion, and you’ll see how inconsolably guilt-ridden they are about it.
You will see a friend give herself fully to a relationship and be destroyed beyond all repair when the guy turns out to be a shallow jackass, and it was all for nothing. You will watch as a friend stays trapped in a doomed relationship far past its expiration date — holding him/herself back from moving on and growing — just for the sex. And you will hear a thousand times the lamentation “I really wish I hadn’t slept with him/her”.
All of these pains and more are things that you will bear close witness to in others, but never have to endure yourself. You will be in many ways immune to them, above them, outside of their reach. You will pass through them like Moses walking calmly across the dry ground of the red sea, walls of water looming on either side.
#6. Meaningful Relationships
At the heart of waiting till marriage is a yearning for greater meaning in all things, most of all marriage.
The end-goal of waiting is achieving a more meaningful marriage, but this ambition will trickle down into the friendship and dating relationships you enter into before marriage as well. People who wait till marriage tend to prioritize meaningfulness in all relationships much more than other people.
One night stands, casual flings, superficial friendships — these will be entirely foreign (and appalling) concepts to you. You pursue closeness and meaning in every relationship you have — platonic or otherwise. Now, this doesn’t mean that you will get deep meaning out of every relationship…just that you will try to get it. You will rarely be comfortable with a friendship or a dating relationship in which you don’t get to know the person very well.
You will get the maximum potential out of every relationship. Sometimes that won’t amount to much. Sometimes it will amount to everything.
And that’s the good news: when you aim for depth and meaning, you will frequently get it. Or you will move on until you do. Yours will be a life shared with the many wonderful people you’ve come to love — one most of all.
#7. An Incredible Wedding Day and Night
Most people do not wait until marriage to have sex. However, when those people reach their wedding day, many often suddenly wish that they had waited. You’ll hear guys reporting this of their fiancées several times over your life: “Yeah, she got a little emotional because she suddenly wished we had waited till marriage for sex.”
With some couples, one person (usually the girl) will cut off sex a few months before the wedding, so they can “wait” until the big day and then start having sex again. Again, the guys will gripe about this: “Dude! She’s making me wait now! She says no more sex until the wedding. Ugh.”
If you ask one of these people to explain why they wanted to cut off sex before the wedding (or why they feel pangs of regret about the fact that they didn’t wait in the first place) they will give you this answer: “Because I want our wedding day to be special.”
Why wouldn’t it be special anyways? You’re committing yourself fully to the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with! That’s a special day under any circumstance, right? Why do you need to cut off sex until the wedding to make it feel “special?” Why doesn’t it feel special enough already?
I’ll tell you why it doesn’t feel special enough.
Because they’ve already committed themselves fully to the person they’re marrying. They’ve been in love, having sex, and (usually) living together for years now.
The wedding day is beautiful, but except legalities, it doesn’t change anything. It does not mark the end of one era (as separate people) and beginning of another (as one) as clearly as it’s supposed to. It’s just a fancy solidification of the lifestyle that they’re already living. After the wedding, they don’t go back to a new life — they go back to the exact same life.
And they know that if they wait on sex, even for a small amount of time, it will make the wedding more special because it will make the wedding feel like it marks a change for the better. It will mean the end of their (brief) time physically apart, and the renewal of their time physically together, and send their marriage off to a more romantic and sexier start. It will make the day more significant.
Most couples that cut off sex a few months before the wedding report afterward that they’re glad they did it. Even the guys will begrudgingly admit “Yeah, it was frustrating, but it definitely did make the wedding night and honeymoon a little more special.”
As you can imagine, if stopping sex for a few months leading up to the wedding makes the wedding noticeably more special and meaningful, then waiting your whole life without having sex until the wedding night makes the wedding spectacularly more special and meaningful — totally off-the-charts specialness.
For you, the person who waits, your wedding day and night will be everything every Hallmark card, every romance novel, every poem, every religious text, and every little girl’s fantasy says a wedding should be. All of the symbolism — turning from two lives into one, owning each other in every way, making a commitment with body and soul — will be physically real to you and present throughout your wedding day and night.
Others will reach their wedding day and find themselves thinking “Sigh…I kind of wish we had waited”. You will reach your wedding day and think “I’m so glad we waited!”
#8. A Sex-Filled Marriage
Many non-waiting people report that sex declines in frequency after the honeymoon. This is so common that it’s become a cliché; a joke that married men perpetuate. They will say things like “Yeah, we had sex all the time back when we were dating, but once you’re married…forget about it.”
If you gathered together all of the world’s stand-up comedians and said to them “no more jokes about married men not getting any sex,” you would leave many with a serious want for material, because half their act was jokes about married men not getting any sex.
So, why does this happen? Why are so many married people sexually unsatisfied? Why does sex slow down or stop after marriage in so many cases? Many couples therapists will say that married couples (after a while) simply fail to treat sex as important. They take sex for granted.
When you wait until marriage to have sex, you spend your whole young life treating sex as extremely important. During your single years, this view that sex is highly important will strengthen your resolve. It will be the reason why you do not just toss away your virginity (original or re-claimed) lightly at the first opportunity or pressure. Because sex is important to you, you will stay the course until marriage.
Then, when you get married, this view of sex as being important starts to work very much in your favor, because sex stays important. You have years of hard waiting behind you serving as a constant reminder that what you have earned — this loving relationship and the physical intimacy that comes with it — is nothing to be taken for granted, especially not the physical part that you’ve waited so long for.
Plus, sex will be a whole new thing to you! When most people get married, they’ve already been having sex for a decade or more. Sex is old hat by the time they get married. They’ve done it all a thousand times over — with several different partners — before they even get to their honeymoon and the lifelong marriage that follows. So keeping things original and exciting in the bedroom can be a challenge at times. This is why the magazine racks at your local grocery store are peppered with promises to give you tips on how to “spice up” your sex life by adding new things.
For you, the person who waited till marriage, your kinkiness and “spiciness” tolerance will be laughably low. The act of having sex at all will be plenty “spicy” for you for a long time. You’ve never tried the basics before. You are a long, fun way off from having to reach for that magazine rack. Put simply: When you get married, you’ve got a whole lot of awesome sex that you haven’t ever had yet. And now you get to spend the first decade of your marriage catching up, instead of just burning out.
#9. A Deeper, More Committed Bond with Your Spouse
At the heart of sex is a sense of ownership. When you have sex with someone, you give them a little piece of yourself that they will forever own. But here’s the catch: You only have so many pieces to give away in this fashion, before you grow numb to the process; the pieces stop feeling as important.
Waiting till marriage means that you do not dilute this piece of yourself by giving it to a lot of people. You give it to one person; the person that earns your heart along with it. And for this they will forever own you, all of your pieces, in total. This is not just some symbolic fantasy — you will feel owned by them in the same way that they will feel owned by you (if they waited too).
Plus, you’ve spent your whole life living under the notion that there is one person out there who will complete you more than any other. Most people, waiting or not, have this notion. But you spent your whole life backing it up with action (i.e., not having sex until you found him/her).
Divorce and multiple marriages are not in your brain. They are so far removed from the waiting-till-marriage mindset that they exist only as a “wouldn’t that be horrible” scenario — not as any kind of viable option for consideration. You will think that because you waited, you will be a little exempt from the statistics (50% divorce rate) because you have so much more invested and will fight much harder to defend your investment. And you will probably be right.
In terms of marriage, you’re not sticking you’re toe in the water, ready to bail out at a moment’s difficulty — you’re diving in head-first with no thought of turning back. And when you do encounter trouble, you will do everything in your power to overcome it. You will stay the course much longer than many others, because you have more of yourself invested, and because that’s what you’ve prepared yourself for during all those years of waiting on this.
That deeper bond and heightened sense of mutual ownership that your waiting-till-marriage earned you will work in your favor. It will keep you both gravitating back towards each other. It will make you feel more like one person, which is a much harder thing to split.
#10. A Great Example Your kids.
Most parents get stuck on this dilemma: How do I make them do what I say, and not what I did when I was their age? Parents had their youth. They had their teenage sex and their pot smoking and all the trouble. Then they grew up, had kids, and suddenly got serious about morals and values.
But here’s the problem: You can tell your kids what you think they should do, but ultimately what you did is going to show through. You cannot escape the decisions of your own past and how they shaped your personality. It is that personality —and every decision attached to it — that’s going to rub off on your kids whether you like it or not.
The mom who sleeps around in her youth, then as an adult sticks her kids in church and espouses the virtues of waiting till marriage will most likely end up with one of those church kids who has sex in the bathroom in between youth group sessions (i.e., a holier-than-thou hypocrite that every rational kid hates).
Plus, if you’re trying to tell your child not to do something, they can instantly destroy the credibility of your point with this question: What did you do when you were my age?
What kind of answers will you have when your kids start asking those questions? What will rub off on your kids as far as relationships and sex goes?
If you wait until marriage to have sex, and you focus on having an obviously great relationship with your husband/wife, you will have a lot of solid ground to stand on when your kids start approaching that age. You want to be able to say “I saved everything for your father/mother. That’s partially why we still have such a great relationship, and why all of your friends’ parents are divorced.”
But again, it won’t matter much what you say. It’s what you did that will rub off. And in your case that will work in your favor.
A True-Story Example
My friend’s parents, who we’ll call Bob and Susie, grew up in a small, highly-religious community (we’re talking near-Amish, from what I understand). When Bob and Susie fell in love and decided to get married, they had to follow the traditions of the town before their marriage could be condoned. First, they had to spend a year apart from each other without any communication whatsoever.
When they reunited a year later, they had to re-assess whether they still wanted to get married. They did. Then they had to stand naked in front of each other, to make sure they were physically OK with what they were getting into. They were. Then they were allowed to marry.
This was waiting-till-marriage to the extreme. Today, thirty years later, they’re one of the closest married couples I’ve ever known. Everything they do is as a team. And they seem to still have so much love for each other.
They are very calm, rational people. I’m close with their son, and there are no stories about them being over-bearing about religious behavior or anything like that. Looking at them, you’d never know that they had such structured religious upbringing.
Now, their kids: two girls and a boy. Both of the girls waited until marriage, and are two of the sweetest, most beautiful girls I have ever met. They are the kind of people that it’s impossible not to like because they are so unrelentingly kind-natured and caring. As smart, beautiful, and successful as each of the daughters are…they are also very, very good people.
The son didn’t wait till marriage. He rebelled for a little bit, as oldest sons often do. But you can still see those tight family values in him. He ended up marrying a girl who was waiting till marriage (he waited with her for six years while they dated). He worked harder at that relationship than I’ve ever seen somebody in their 20′s work at anything.
So you can see how having parents who waited can positively affect the relationships that their kids have throughout their life.
When you wait until marriage, you will pass your preference for committed, meaningful relationships on to your kids, and that’s a very wonderful gift to give them.
#11. Breaking the Mold
Einstein said that the definition of insanity was “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Think of all the things in this age that are the same: Most people have sex before marriage. For most people, the divorce rate is above 50%. Most people complain of frigid, bland marriages that are sad, neutered versions of their pre-marriage relationships. Most people follow the rules and the norms of everyone around them, and as a consequence are carried through similar paths and predictable milestones, both good and bad. But not you.
You have stepped outside the conventions of world and said “No. I’m going to be different.”
Whatever else you do in your life, you have made one choice that sets you vastly apart from the crowd. You have made a statement to the world that you will ignore conventions if you believe it right to do so; if there is glory in it. You will be forever unique, for better and for worse.
And above all, you have done something different. You have broken the mold. And that is sure to bring you unexpected and different results. Enjoy your adventure.
Author: Mike
Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org. Although he still writes the occasional article, he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become an organizational psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.
i really enjoyed that very much
Hi Brandon,
Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Interesting.
Me and my boyfriend plan to get married in a year… we have been together and sexually active for about 9 months, and recently moved in together. He was my first partner (not considering I was the victim of rape)… however because of a large gap in our ages (I’m 19 and he’s 31) we’ve decided to wait until we’re married. Not to mention that pregnancy would destroy my hopes of a good career at the moment.
I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about this (it was his idea) I feel almost…. rejected?
This makes me feel better about it.
Hi Julia,
You don’t have to go along with his decision to wait quietly and without voicing your side (even if you feel like you have to show him that you’re on board with it). I know sometimes people feel pressured to go along with the waiting decision like a good soldier, less they feel like a bad person for having negative feelings about something that is supposed to be virtuous.
The best thing you can do is bring up your feelings with him. First tell him you’re happy to wait. Then tell him you feel a little rejected. He should be able to calm that fear pretty quickly and explain his motivations…unless he can’t.
And if his motivations are purely personal (as in, he wants to wait simply because of his own ideals), then honor that. Waiting is often a personal decision that has little to do with the partner, and can many times be made as a reaction to strong contrary urges (as in, he totally wants you, and that makes him want to stop and wait to make it special/virtuous/whatever). If that’s the case here, then you’re more than in the clear. If anything, it’s a compliment.
But don’t be afraid to push him if you get the sense that he’s not totally forthcoming with his answers and reassurances. If there’s something else going on here, then you want to find out now.
I issue this warning only because I know nothing about him, so I’ve got no context to interpret his decision to wait. If you want to tell me the answer he gives you as regards his reasons for wanting to wait — now that I could work with. :-p
Anyhow, good luck and thanks for the comment!
Thanks for writing this. I have been dating for over 3 and a half years and I decided to wait till I am married. Nearly everyone I know that is having sex before marriage is fighting all the time and the ones I have seen get married don’t seem extremely excited at their wedding. Like you send they just go back to their everyday lives. It is not easy waiting but I can’t wait till my wedding night because we won’t be like most couples just going on a honeymoon we will be starting are lives together everything will be new.
I enjoyed this very much. My boyfriend and I are waiting till we’re married to have sex. We are both virgins and very much in love. He just joined the Army and will be going to basic training next summer for 3 1/2 months. I was worried about what would happen when he returned, but reading this made me reevaluate the reasons why we’re waiting. I liked the fact about making your wedding that much more special.
So many of these points rings true for me and my husband. oh the long story i could write. seriously it could be a novel. 7-10 especially hit home for us. and thanks for explaining number 8 to me lol. i never understood that joke of no sex after marriage. my husband and i do just fine and are so glad we waited.
I couldn’t imagine spending that special gift with anyone else.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to stay pure not just physically but in your mind and heart. this is something God has called me to be vigilant about when I talk to young people.
Hi Emily,
Thanks for the encouraging comment. It’s funny: I’m not married yet, so I could only theorize about 7-10. I’m so glad to have you (a married woman) confirm them!
I really enjoyed reading this. I have dated my girlfriend for about 4 years and are both virgins but lately I have been wanting to take the next step in our relationship. She wants to wait till marriage to have sex and I after reading this it helps me want to wait too!
Thanks for article.
Thanks for the inspiration!
My husband and I waited till marriage. He was married once before so it was hard for him to wait, but we both agreed to it. Our wedding was so wonderful and what a thing to wait for. And the night..let me tell you! It was worth the wait. It was also great moving in together after we were married. My wedding day would not have been that special if we already did everything married people have done. So wait! It was so nice to have a fresh start together. It was like living a whole new life! Of course before we were married my life was good, but now it is like my life is complete. It is so worth the wait y’all!
i want to dodge bullets and fly like superman, but i’ve already had sex what can i do?
@tommy,
Most of these qualities can be acquired on their own without having to wait until marriage. You can be focused on your goals naturally through generally good self-discipline. You can dodge relationship bullets by being a good judge of character, promoting full disclosure/honest communication at the onset, and allowing your smart head to have a bigger voice in your decisions than your stupid head. You can have a great marriage by finding the right person and making a point to do things to keep the marriage close and alive. And lots of people have a chip on their shoulder about changing the world…you just have to be one of those that sticks with it.
None of these qualities are exclusive to people who wait. You don’t have to wait to get them, but if do you wait, you will get them all pretty much automatically. If that’s not your bag, totally cool. It’s just one way to get them.
And in case your concern was about wanting to wait after having sex already: Don’t worry about the past. The future is what matters. If you’re so inclined, you can start waiting now and still fly through the air like superman. Derivatives of all these benefits are still available to even if you start waiting “after a certain point”. You will start to gain the above benefits from the moment of deciding to wait onward. Or again, don’t wait and find your own ways to the above benefits (or don’t).
I decided a long time ago that I was going to wait until marriage to have sex. This was really nice to read, and it was quite comforting because a lot of the feelings that are addressed in this article I have personally experienced. The part about having to wake up every day and continue to stick to your values, even when it’s hard meant a lot to me, because I know that it’s shaped me so much as a person. The self discipline of it changes the way I work and set goals for myself. I’ve heard a lot of these things before, but I’ve never seen anything compiled in this way. It was kind of nice, a little pick me up of encouragement. Thanks.
Superman is my favorite superhero. I’m down with the ability to dodge bullets, indestructible spirit, pureness of heart, and the belief that one can change the world. Those are the reasons why i love my Superman, and I appreciate the metaphor.
This article was amazing to read. I am no longer a virgin and havent been in over a two years. And every day I regret those things I did. I am currently in a great relationship with a wonderful guy who happens to be a virgin. At the beginning of our relationship we decided that we would wait to see how it worked out between us, not wanting to just dive in and end up breaking up. But over the past couple of months, he has started to have feelings of wanting to have sex. He knows that I am no longer a virgin and feels that I no longer love him. This is not true by any means. I just want to do this for me and God. How else can I prove this to him and help him feel the same way?
I’m 28 years old and after making some really bad decisions early on in life I decided to start waiting. I had deep inside known that waiting for marriage was one of the reasons that I started to exhibit the new character traits that you mentioned, but t’s nice to hear it confirmed from an outside source. One thing you failed to mention (though possibly by choice) is a deeper relationship with God. I have found myself extremely blessed in every way after making that decision. But I did like your pragmatic approach to the topic. I believe that we should do what God asks simply because He is God. But God never asks us to do things without good reason. He wants to enrich our life experiences not rob us of our “fun.” Thanks again and keep up the good work!
Blessings
@Cassie – His biggest hang-up right now comes from this thought: “She had sex with other guys but won’t have sex with me.” That’s a painful thought. It leads to jealousy, wounded pride, insecurity, and a whole host of other unpleasant feelings.
This is going to be an hard hang-up for you to overcome. Ultimately he’s going to have to find his own way through it. But you can help him by saying and doing things that remind him how much you do want him (that way). Assure him that you will f**k his brains out — and give him everything you held back from other guys — when you get married. By this you’re basically saying “those other guys may have gotten a little sample, but if you wait for it…you’re going to get a way bigger payout.”
And maybe see if he’ll see some logic in the notion that statistically, waiting might actually be best for you both if you’re going to go all the way (i.e., get married). It may lead to a better (and more sex filled) marriage if you wait.
Also, part of his problem might be the jealousy created by picturing all the things you did with those other guys. He’s going to create the most horrible possible version of your sexual past to torture himself with, kind of like that scene in High Fidelity (part 1 | part 2, warning NSFW) where John Cusack pictures his ex gf having sex with her new guy and it’s killing him. It ends with him saying “No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than she is right now with Ian…in my head”.
My point is that maybe your past sexual experiences weren’t that sorid or even that numerous — but in his head they are. You may want to find out what he thinks your sexual past looks like, and then correct him with a calming dose of the unremarkable reality. I remember assuming a girl I was with had had tons of sex with her ex, and then one day she said “Um, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’ve only had sex like a total of 4 times”…which made me feel a ton better and I wish she’d corrected me sooner.
These are all just suggestions of course. Short version: Overcompensate on the “making him feel wanted” font. And maybe show him these: The 5 Secrets to Dating Somebody Who’s Had Sex Before and I’m waiting till marriage, but my boyfriend/girlfriend has had sex before.
@Shawn – Yeah, I left out that one on purpose, but you’re very right.
Great job mike! I’m currently twenty n still a virgin.nothing feels good dan waiting,it gives u an immesurable self-esteem n speciality. It great 2 wait;though not easy.
Thanks, Chuks!
Waiting Sucks! But then the wedding night is Awesome!!!
How I waited: I wrote a letter to my wife when I was in my teens and was very horny. It was cool cause I didn’t know who I would marry but I told my wife who I didn’t know that I loved her and I am praying for her that she wait for me as well. I put the note in a container that couldn’t be opened and then through my years I would put a coin in it and pray that I would wait and say a prayer for my future wife too. Also, when I was dating my date may ask me about the container and say what’s that and then I’d tell them and they would always want to put a coin in it too and say a prayer. It was a cool way to remind myself and the girl I was dating I was serious about waiting and intended to marry one day. Plus man, it was a really big hit for my wife once we broke open the container. She really liked getting a letter from me that was over 15 years old and was written to her before I knew her. It was cool and it felt good. Now we freely enjoy sex daily and it’s great!
Waiting does give you a deeper, more committed bond with your spouse! And, as long as you are deeply in love with each other, sex will ALWAYS be good (so there’s no need to be “test driving the car”). Put simply, waiting – deeper bond with your spouse – great sex – happy marriage!
Plus, when you’re married to such a sweet guy, like my husband, who’s been waiting and praying for you for years, you’re guaranteed some amazing sex for many many years. Guys who do choose to wait are some of the sweetest guys out there. Guys and girls here, start exchanging numbers…;)
Sweet husband and wife comment thread! Thank you guys so much for posting both your perspectives. You just added a lot to this page.
@Mark – Any chance I can get you to email me that note you wrote so I can publish it on this site?
(mike[at]waitingtillmarriage.com).
@Mark & Mark’s wife – If you guys want to talk more about this, I’d love to interview you. If you’re interested, send me an email or PM me on the forums.
Sooo….the images you used, Superman, Cyclops of the X-men, and Neo – all those characters had sex before marriage.
Unless they were used ironically, then you win.
98% of people over 23 have had sex. Not 98% are married.
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr036.pdf
@John – Haha I hadn’t thought of that. I’m pretty sure being born with mutant superpowers gives you a shortcut to whatever heroic quality I was using the picture to illustrate.
At least Ellie and Carl from Up waited, and they are the only confirmed married people out of all the images used. Also: I have confirmed that the bunnies in #8 waited.
Mike! Wow ~ GREAT job! Thanks for sharing! This was excellent. I am a divorced woman (ex had an affair) who is waiting for marriage.(again lol) At first it was to be that good example for my kids.. then spiritual reasons.. but over the last 5 years I have grown so much as a person. It is def hard and the sad thing is, theres not a lot of “support” (outside of my church family) I catch so much disbelief and negativity so there have def been some tough days! Im saving this where I can read it again, and share with others! Im so thankful that when I do get married again, I will have something very special to share with my husband, who I am lovingly waiting for
God bless!!!
Hi Mona!
Glad you liked it! Sorry about your bad marital luck on the first go-round. I don’t know if this is any comfort, but here’s a success story for you:
I lived with a 30-something divorcee for 2 years (a mutual friend through my brother; we all shared a house). We’ll call her Jenny. Jenny’s first husband (whom she was married to for 13 years) was very successful, affluent, and good-looking. He was also a hugely narcissistic douche who cheated on her, divorced her with cold precision, and married his mistress (who, last I heard, he is already cheating on).
So Jenny was pretty devastated and down on her luck for a few years. Then one day, our house was all abuzz with the news that Jenny had found a new guy and that he was flying in from another state to visit (the met online). The day New Guy arrived, I came home expecting (apprehensively) to find some derivative of Jenny’s first husband in my living room: 40ish, well-manicured, nose turned up. What I saw instead was the polar opposite of her ex. I instantly liked this new guy. He was just as geeky as she was, and I could tell that he completely adored her.
Now they’re married, live together in New Mexico, and attend ComicCon together dressed as (male and female) storm troopers (like from Star Wars). In every picture I see of Jenny now, they’re always together, and Jenny is smiling like she’s having the time of her life…and she is.
I shared all that to say: You have a lot to hope for. You can be far happier in the second one than you ever were in the first. It does happen.
Not that you needed that, but if I were divorced, that’s what I would want to hear. So hope it maybe comforted a little!
Sorry, I just spit out stories randomly when I think they might help haha.
Mike~
Awww thanks!! ALWAYS share those random “encouragers” That is a BEAUTIFUL story and makes my heart very happy for Jenny! I TOTALLY believe that! (and I have a lot of faith lol)
Kudos to you for starting this site.
Waiting for marriage is a great idea… unless you get all the wait and none of the marriage.
I’m 32 and no amount of trite “oh I’m sure it will happen for you, don’t give up, it’s not worth it” will undo the losses – including that of a decade during which time even my promiscuous high school peers eventually married and now have a few kids apiece. I said no while they said yes and now they came back around and won on both counts? Token high-school virgin forever?
As to the great example I’m setting for my kids… what kids? A few more years and I won’t be able to have any (assuming I’m fertile to begin with, never got to test the equipment). Oh sure I “dodged a bullet” in avoiding babies… but turns out the bullet I dodged was a soft butterfly. And how will I get it back once it flies away?
My innocent idealism and indestructible spirit have been taken for a ride, blindfolded, and dumped into an abandoned mine with me still clinging tight to them. I’m wondering when is it ok for me to grow up and have adult experiences? Prince charming isn’t coming to rescue me and the letters I’ve been writing to him since I was a teen might come in handy as kindling on these cold lonely nights.
Hi Kristine,
I agree that “Oh I’m sure it will happen for you” is a meaningless, and it’s usually said by people for whom it has already happened (which makes you think “sure, easy for you to say”). But that doesn’t mean there’s not a point to be gleamed from somebody saying this to you. Here’s a fun experiment: Next time somebody tells you that, ask them “Why? Why are you sure it will happen to me?”
Some people are just trying to make you feel better, but some people actually have a reasoning behind their conclusion that it will happen for you. And that reasoning is often worth hearing.
I tried this once (asking my friend to explain his reassurance). He thought for a minute, and told me “Well, you’re never going to find that person if you’re not happy [on your own]. And if you did find her, you wouldn’t be able to keep her if you’re in that state.” That answer was infinitely more helpful to me than just a wistful “oh you’ll find it someday.”
I know how frustrating and unjust it is to watch your non-waiting friends meet amazing people, get married, and enjoy the kind of love you’re still waiting and behaving for. But you have to find a way to get over that. First off, it’s not fair or realistic. What, did you expect you to be deeply happy and everybody around you to have crap, shallow relationships? Well, I guess you probably did think that a little…because that’s one of the fantasies often conveyed about waiting. It doesn’t always work that way. Non-waiting people can have great marriages, waiting people can have crap marriages, and vice-versa. It’s much more about the individuals.
You have to stop comparing yourself against others so much. It’s only going to eat you alive and push you to make bad, destructive decisions. Everybody — waiting or no — has their own time table, and you got stuck with a shitty one.
In my case, not only are all my non-waiting friends married already, but my friends that waited are married too. They waited, and they got a good time table. I waited, and I got stuck with a shitty time table like you. But it’s not just luck of the draw. It’s a factor of who you are and how you’ve decided to play your life out.
Here’s the reality, as far as I can see it: That whole fantasy that waiting can give you a better, more meaningful marriage? It absolutely can be true. But it is not automatic, it is not guaranteed, and most of all, it only applies after you’re married.
Meeting the right person and getting to the wedding night is all on you, just like it is for everybody else.
So I’m not going to tell you “Oh, it’ll happen to you one day.”
Instead, I’m going to ask: What are you going to do to prevent yourself from ending up a 57 year old virgin with 6 cats and four decades of unlived life behind you?
Ultimately, I can’t answer this for you. But I have answered it for myself in a way that keeps me going rather happily every day, but my answer may not work for you.
But I do have 4 tips that might help…
1. Build a life that is very fulfilling for you on its own, even if you never end up bringing anybody else into it. In the short term, this will keep you sane and happy. In the long term, when you do find that special man, it will keep you from being too dependent on him. You’ll always have your own passions to fuel you.
2. Be attractive. I know this sounds shallow and unfair, but I don’t mean “be born attractive”. I mean be as attractive as you possibly can, using what you’ve been given. You can’t change how far apart/close your eyes are (yet), and you can’t change your overall frame shape. But you can improve pretty much everything else. Your fitness level. Your hair. Your skin. Your teeth. How put together your appearance is (clothes, etc). Do it all. Systematically improve everything you can, try to keep yourself in ideal form at all times, and never stop working at it (note: work at it, but don’t worry about it).
3. Do things that increase your natural confidence. This is really just a byproduct of #1 and #2. Building a self-sustaining, individually-fulfilling life and improving your appearance will both give you loads more confidence, which will make you more outgoing, approachable, and attractive.
4. Throw yourself into target-rich environments. I realize that the common thought is “The right person just comes along when it’s the right time!” But fuck that for right now. There may be some truth to that, but if you take it as the only path to “the one”, then you’re just going to keep sitting around and waiting. Throw that “it comes at the right time” stuff to the wind. Tell yourself that the right time is now (and believe it). Then get out there and systematically track down the person you are looking for.
Here’s a shortcut: Go to places where groups of people are doing things that you like to do. The closer the activity is to the core of who you are, the better. If your hobby is illustrating comic books, go to some local meetups for ametuer comic book artists. Same thing applies if you’re a writer, a stamp collector, a runner, a Mets fan, a swimmer, or a furry. Just join the biggest groups you can find related to your passions. There are huge groups for everything nowadays.
If you do it right, even a small group can blow you away with commonalities. I tried this myself once and went to a local sci-fi writers meetup. Now, I should start by saying that I don’t write fiction, but I find the idea of writing fiction (particularly science fiction) really interesting. Plus I have an idea for a sci-fi-ish book that keeps gnawing at me and I might actually do something about it at some point, so for some reason the sci-fi writers meetup sounded like a winner to me.
I won’t try to save face with you. I went to this meetup with the naive, over-eager expectation that maybe I would meet “the one” there. Of course, I did not find my soulmate. But what I did find was an experience that was among the most validating and therapeutic of my life. These people…these amateur writers…were so much like me. They had things in common with me — from ideals to personality quirks to life situations — that I rarely share with others. It was one of the few occasions in my life when I felt truly, completely…not so weird anymore.
And more than that, I realized that even though I didn’t meet “the one” at that one meeting, I met girls that were a million times closer than 9 out of 10 girls I meet on a daily basis at school, parties, etc. And that in itself gave me a lot of hope to carry forward.
My point is: certain activities don’t produce certain types of people…it’s the other way around…certain types of people choose those activities. So you may think that by joining a amateur swimming club that you’re at best going to find a guy who likes swimming, but has absolutely nothing else in common with you. But very often you will be happily wrong. Very often you will find that you have much more profound things in common. It takes a kindred type of person to love the same thing as you. And they’re easier to find than you may think. You just have to look in smart places.
So shake it off, chin up, and get back out there.
This is great. I just found this site today and I’m glad I did. I am 17 and I am not religious. Before I met my current boyfriend of 2 1/2 years I had no plans about waiting. I figured I’d have several boyfriends throughout high school and college and sleep with one or two special guys in college before I settled down. Then I got together with my boyfriend and he wanted to wait for religious and moral reasons and I’ve come around to the idea. I really think it’s best for us because I imagine it would cut down on insecurities and jealousy while solidifying the bond we already share.
When I talked to my mom about this she said she didn’t nessecarily expect me to wait after high school, and she shared with me the story of her cousin who was only ever with one man(her husband who she dated all through high school much as I plan to do with my boyfriend) and apparently has told her daughter that she wouldn’t reccomend this. That story really freaked me out, because I don’t want to wait and then regret it later. I’m really glad I found this page though, because it added some “pros” to my mental pro/con list about our decision.
Thank you!
Hi Annie!
I’ve heard lots of stories like that, where some old married person will say that they kind of regret waiting and only having their current spouse as a partner. Every time I have heard this, there has been something else going on (negatively) in the relationship. If you think about it: If you’re wildly happy with who you ended up with, why would you yearn to be with other people at all? In every case I’ve seen, there’s been something else at play…some reason for the regretful person to be dissatisfied that is at it’s core unrelated to waiting.
The thing is: Waiting will exaggerate marriage for better or for worse. If your marriage turns out to be not what you wanted (for whatever reasons), it will be that much worse if you waited. On the other hand, if you end up happy with your marriage, you will be so glad you waited, and you’ll feel like you made it that much better. It’s the difference between betting all your chips on something and winning, versus betting all your chips on something and losing. If you win, you think “Sweet! I’m so happy I did that crazy thing and bet all my chips! I should have bet even more chips!” If you lose, you think “Man, I regret betting all my chips. I wish I could have spent some of my chips on other things.”
So waiting till marriage is a bit like going “all in” on a poker hand, except you get to spend as much time as you want gathering evidence about the quality of your hand. If you do it right, you can make your chances of winning very, very high.
But that’s the trick: You have to still be as vigilant (if not more vigilant) than somebody who doesn’t wait when it comes to choosing a partner. You are still vulnerable to the normal forces, long-term incompatibilities, etc. that can weaken a marriage.
Take your mom’s cousin, for example. She married her first boyfriend, and probably early. That’s two problems right there. Sex aside…
1. She only ever got to know one guy (and I mean mentally more than physically), so it’s likely she’s going to look back and wonder what a relationship with other guys might have been like (again, not talking sex yet…just the normal stuff…being as close as you want to somebody).
2. She got married young. This brings all kinds of problems by itself. Commonly: the sense that she missed the chance to be young and follow her whims for a bit, romantically.
Neither of these two points have anything to do with sex, necessarily. So for what it’s worth, I would take the story of your mom’s cousin to heart, but I wouldn’t take it as a warning against waiting on on sex. I would take it as a warning against marrying your first boyfriend and/or against marrying young.
That said, this doesn’t apply to everyone. It is possible to marry your first boyfriend and be maddeningly happy with him your whole life. But those cases are the exception rather than the norm.
If you have no doubts…if the very idea of doubting of that the person you’re with is THE ONE seems laughable and silly to you, because he’s so obviously it for you — then maybe you got lucky early. But if you’re not totally sold, give it time and age and make sure. Just taking the time to be certain will itself prevent future regrets.
Anyhow, I’ve rambled long enough. Thanks for the comment and welcome to the site! Come join the forums!
Love the article, its awesome, you’re awesome!!
Hi Mike,
Its me again, I’ll repeat what I just said.. you’re awesome!! haha.. I just discovered your site a couple of hours ago and have been glued on since.. hehe..
More than anything, I love your well-thought, caring and diplomatic replies!
So, I thought I’d pose you 2 questions that I’ve wondered about and your views on this will be much appreciated if you find time to reply to this..
In an ideal world, I’d like to have been in a long-term relationship(at least 4 years or more) before getting married..
So ermm.. do you think this is too long for a sex-less courtship?
Do you think it’ll be devastatingly difficult to find a guy who’d be willing to wait this long(who isn’t too religious)? hehe..
& if I do find my “prince”(lol!) do you think the first night would be AWKWARD after such a long time of a non-sexual relationship? haha..
I’d like to know what you think.
Thanks in advance!
Much Love! =)
Hi Shamsicle!
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you like the site!
As for your question about 4 years of sexless courtship: Overall, I think in 4 years, unless you and your partner are both individually very committed to not doing anything…you’re probably going to end up fudging the line a little.
4 years is not too long without sex, and I’ve seen several couples do it happily. But I do think 4 years might be too long without any sort of physical intimacy.
Like you said, if you haven’t been touching each at all for 4 years, that wedding night might be a little weird. And more than that, your relationship might be a little lacking. But if you’ve had 4 years of some other form of physical affection, you’re going to go into your wedding night very “warmed up”.
I’m not advocating that you drop full-on to level 3 (“Everything but”), unless that’s what works for you. Just find something that is comfortable and fulfilling for you and your partner. That could be lots of thing.
As for finding a guy that’s willing to wait: I think that’s easier than you might think. To quote a good friend of mine (guy) who has been waiting on his girlfriend for 5 years now: “It’s easy [to go without the sex] because I love her.”
Hi Mike,
So sorry for the late reply!! I got caught up with exams(and the aftermath too, lol!)
Yea, I do believe in some sort of physical intimacy,
Im totally for “making out” as they call it.. haha..
but im not sure i’d be comfortable with going to the “everything but” stage.. and I wasn’t sure if just the level 2/”making out” stage would suffice in a long-term relationship and also I keep thinking that that years of just making out would make it really awkward to go further when we want to after the wedding, hahaha..
well,im glad you don’t think so and hopefully that won’t be the case!
& awww.. you’re friend is so sweet! I think I secretly knew the answer to my own question though, if you really really wanted to spend the rest of your life with a person then why should something like this be an issue right?
well, here’s wishing them all the best! =)
& thanks so much for replying!
cheers!
Hi everyone! I´m 24 years old and still a virgin. I don´t have any problems with that, except for the fact I´m really afraid of not finding anyone interesting for me to get married. The thing is: even though I chose to wait, I kinda feel I don´t fit anywhere! I mean, I´m irreverent, I seem to be very modern, I hang out with cool people and nobody would believe me if I told about this decision. So it´s quite a shallow relationship I have with people in general, since I don´t feel any comfortable about telling I´m a virgin. Nowadays, virgins are often seen as freaks and losers, and even though I would love to meet a man who admires this decision, I never get to have serious relationships since I don´t want to talk about this for everyone around. Men generally kiss and tell, so I bet any guy who knows about me being a virgin would make a big deal out of it and tell all of his friends while feeling ridiculously proud of finding a virgin in this non-virgin world! So yeah, it´s quite difficult to handle this, but I´m pretty sure I want to wait. But then again: getting married doesn´t become any easier when you stick to that choice! You actually become more demanding, more mysterious about your life, and you often feel “out” since everybody wants to talk about sex and there is this awkward moment when you want to change the subject for a more comfortable one… I hope this decision really pays off and there are GREAT things about it, such as: not getting hurt by any relationship, not getting pregnant at 16 and other things such as HIV and all, but sometimes I´m really afraid of having huge expectations about me finding the one and then… nothing happens.
I just want to say thank you for writing this article. I have just turned 16, and about 6 months back I decided to start going to church with a school friend who had been attending her entire life. I’ve been a christian since i was born, however have never strongly acted upon my beliefs or even gave them much thought. The last couple of years have been a big struggle for me due to a nasty divorce between my parents which tore my family apart and left me coping with depression as well as losing all faith in families and marriage. However seeing the happiness within the couples and families at my church this year has restored my faith. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend a few months now, we met at church and he has always intended to wait until marriage, I however have never had to give sex a second thought as i have never opted for abstinence, yet I have always been very careful, and the idea of meaningless sex has never appealed to me, so I remain quite happily a virgin! Since starting to got to church though, I have been thinking that I really want to wait until marriage, a thought which scares me slightly! I know I’m young, and it’s early days, but reading things like this reassures me that I am making a good choice in deciding to wait, and that whether I stay with my boyfriend or not, waiting doesn’t make me a freak or an outsider, and will hopefully make sex a special and important thing for me one day when I get married, so thank you so much!!
Hi HellyBee!
Oh no. Waiting does make you a freak and an outsider. But it does all those other good things too.
Congrats on making the decision. It’s a crazy road, but also a very interesting one. Hope to hear more from you!
HellyBee, I used to think it would be much more difficult than it really is! I mean, of course it isn´t the easiest thing on Earth, but it´s not like one can´t live without sex at all! And we can´t miss what we never had, right? I guess the best thing about abstinence is that we get to focus much more on ourselves and other aspects of life, such as: studies, work and all. I´m almost 10 years older than you and I must say I don´t regret my choice not even a bit! I have to admit I wish I were married by now, but since I´m not, I don´t mind waiting a bit more. I do hope it´s only a bit, though! =P
Mike – haha, I suppose you’re right, but the world would be a very boring place if everyone was normal in my opinion
thanks for the encouragement, I think you’ve done an amazing job with the site! 
Hanneli – thank you, I really appreciate the reply! I think you’re right in not missing what you haven’t had as well! My friend slept with her first boyfriend after just two weeks, they’re still together six months later but they fight like cats and have had a pregnancy scare already. Not exactly what I’d call a great relationship! It’s great to hear you don’t regret your decision and thar it wasn’t as dificult as you’d expected, as those are probably the things I’m most concerned of, so the encouragement is lovely. All the best of luck
Wow, this is a great article! I am in my teens and I was wondering if I should wait until I’m married before I have sex (I bit young, I know, but still). Reading this article has made me decide to wait
I am Christan and it is generally agreed that it would be good to wait although my parents didn’t so I was unsure about what my view was on this. Any way the comments and the article have really inspired me and I hope I will remember what I’ve read here and never be tempeted to do what many of the teenagers nowdays are doing. Even a couple of girls in my class I know aren’t virgins, it’s quite shocking.
The modern culture these days where it is acceptable for magazines and music videos to have basically pornographic images of barely dressed people is horrible. Sometimes I wish I was born in a time where there was modesty and fame was well earnt for real talent.
Thanks again and to all of you guys the same kind of age as me and tempted to do it, wait until after marriage, you wont regret it!
Mike–Thank you very much for your work on this site. You have moved countless people with your words. You deserve all of the praise you’re getting and more! This article is pretty new; you’re bound to influence many more. I came across this article on Google. I was searching opinions on whether or not women would remain with a man who wished to wait until marriage. Prior to visiting this article, I was almost changing my mind and was leaning toward not waiting. I partially based my ultimate decision on the amount of women out there who would agree with waiting. With this article, you’ve helped me reaffirm my beliefs. You’ve knocked my head back in the right place. It was never about changing my beliefs to maximize dating opportunities. If anything, deciding to wait would “weed out” the women who were never right for me in the first place. It just seemed that there were too few people (especially other males) who shared this belief, and I was almost swallowed by conformity without anyone to pull me away. It’s easy to state your beliefs, but it’s another thing to follow them and stand by them. It’s everyone’s struggle to control the body with the mind. It’s only the ones who are strong enough to pull through with it. I’ll be using this website as a reference to my abstinent journey. Thanks again, Mike! I hope you know about the lives you’ve touched!
This was a wonderful article!! My husband (of a week and 2 days) waited until marriage and we just got back from our honeymoon. I cannot tell you how glad we are that we waited. This was the most important thing that we did for our relationship. More than saving money, more than talking about how many children we are going to have. It gave a much more special meaning to our wedding day and honeymoon, and our marriage.
i dont know, but the way i was brought up, it seems weird (to me) that a guy would wait till marriage. im 16 (and a girl) but i think i would like a guy who didnt wait :/ am i weird?
@vee – You’re not weird for thinking that. To a certain extent it’s ingrained in common gender roles. There’s a saying that goes “Guys want to be a girl’s first kiss. Girls want to be a guy’s last love.” Nothing wrong with that. It just makes you a girl.
It takes a certain type of guy to wait until marriage. We tend to be abnormally introspective and idealistic, and we’re probably more the “best friend” type than the “emotionally unavailable prince” type.
That may not be your type of guy, and not what you expect of guys general, and that’s okay!
I love your site thanks for creating it!!!
im coming back to it often
its especially means something that it was created by a man.
its nice to know theirs hope for the male gender you seem like a great guy. they kind any gal dreams of marrying.
do me favor and please continue to spreading you influences on today’s young people with my blessing (not that you need it):) its sad today that people are judged harshly for having sexual morals
Thanks, Andi!
Will do on the continuing to grow the site. Check back often, because there are lots of things in store.
Come join the forums and hang out with us!
But Mike, the fact that you’re single right now speaks to the real issue. I know because I’m also single.
I don’t disagree with anything you say here, however. Let’s get that straight. I believe that people who do wait ultimately have stronger and longer-lasting marriages.
The real issue is some of us are better positioned to wait than others. In some communities (Texas, Alabama, the south), it’s the norm to wait. You gave an example about an Amish family raising their kids that way. In these communities, it’s easier.
But what if you live in a community that is the polar opposite of that? Aren’t you severely limiting your dating pool by only seeking out others who are willing to wait? What if that already limited dating pool that you did manage to find isn’t working for you? What then?
That’s the situation I find myself in. I don’t find the women in the small dating pool that is my church (where people believe in waiting) attractive or a good match for me. The ones I do find attractive don’t find me attractive/good match, so what then?
Are you telling me that I’m supposed to wait until that dating pool miraculously gets bigger and how long will that take? In the meantime, I’m becoming more socially awkward from lack of socialization and dating experience.
Now, I’m not saying I want to sleep around with strange women, but the natural conclusion that I’ve come to is that I have to find ways of making my dating pool BIGGER. How do I do that? Well, I live in New York, which is a Christian dead zone, so despite my going to different youth groups etc. that hasn’t really helped.
Well, I guess I have to date people who don’t believe in waiting. But wait a minute, if I have to date people who don’t believe in waiting, then I have to play by a different set of rules than the church group. What the new group finds attractive, the church group doesn’t and vice versa.
Being on the top of my game and knowing how to be charming etc. requires practice and dating around (which may or may not lead to sex). So it becomes a catch 22. Do you understand what I’m getting at?
As guys, whether or not we have girlfriends is up to us. We can’t sit and wait for a girlfriend to drop out of the sky! We’re men, so we make things happen. That’s the problem I have with ‘waiting.’
‘Waiting’ is inherently feminine. The idea of ‘waiting’ makes you like a chick. You’re waiting for the stars to align and something to magically happen, when all along, you’re the one who has the power to make things happen and to deny that is to deny you’re manhood.
I would like to see a girl who I click well with and marry her, but I don’t meet women who I get along with. How am I supposed to love someone that I don’t even click with?
The best I can do is date a girl who I don’t really click with, but who is at least easy to be with and attractive. Those are my options, or stay single.
All of you guys who say you’ve met your soul-mate and you’re perfect for each other and you’re ‘in love’ I’m extremely jealous of you. I have never felt that way about a girl I’ve met. The most I’ve felt is infatuation.
Sometimes, I think that I’m not meant to marry, or that my personality is too out there to be able to get along with normal people.
thank you for writing these. You don’t know how good this feels to have even just breezed through a few of these. I’m only 20 and my past has been marred by horrible decisions and mountains of condemnation for them. Now, my past has been coming back into my life, and I’ve been trying to shut it out. (On a sidenote, I’m one of those “theists”.) I’ve leaned on my own strength for the longest time and I know it’s often a battle of the mind and of wills.
God strictly speaks of waiting in the Bible, and I agree. But, of course, my own lust has caused me to fall to other sex connected venues other than just experiencing it physically.
To see you writing 11 awesome reasons to wait is encouraging to me. It makes me feel and think that I can wait until after marriage. Moreover, I am inspired to try to make a decision to guard my eyes and heart from temptation. Thank you whoever you may be.
Renn!
Our discussion continues here for part 2! I accidentally replied to some of the points you made here in my other response.
Anyhow, of course I’m single! You think I’d be able to write anything half-decent about this subject if I was happily married? I’d be too blinded by my own happiness to remember the crappy parts with any kind of helpful accuracy. The WTM world is too peppered with those kind of already-succeeded voices. I thought it needed the perspective of the people like you and me who are still fighting the tough parts of the battle. So in a kind of sadistic way, I’m glad I’m not happily in love right now because my lack of love is pushing me to create things that I’ve always wanted to create and meet lots of awesome people. If I had “the one” right now I probably wouldn’t put half the effort into this site that I do. As painful as it is to admit sometimes: If I was God, I would keep me single right now. It would be so counter-productive to allow me my big prize this early.
Martyrdom aside, I view myself as single very much by choice. I’m single because I’m in a very unstable, transitional phase of life, I spend most of my time alone, and I am not looking very hard at all or putting any effort in to expose myself to other people.
That said, you may not be able to find your soulmate right now, but you should definitely be able to find a girl you at least click with a little. That’s your first problem. Forget about all this sex & waiting bullshit for a minute and just focus on finding one quality conversation out there in the world with a member of the opposite sex.
There are more kinds of focused dating pools than just church youth groups (although that’s a good start), especially since your new goal (as per my earlier point) is just to find a conversationally compatible girl, waiting or not. First, you have to do things that you naturally enjoy. Then, you find other people that do those things. And surprise! You find people who are more similar to you than you expected. I might have told this story in another comment, but I went to a writers meetup I found on meetup.com once and it changed my life. It was like a therapy session. In two hours I realized that I wasn’t a freak or an outsider like I had thought…I was just a writer! We’re all freaks and outsiders!
If I was 100% committed to finding a wife right now, I would pack up and move to Texas, scour meetup.com and the local churches, and fill up my schedule with the biggest youth groups I could find, writing meetups, running meetups, blogging meetups, cycling meetups — I would meet so many people with common interests that my odds of finding an unmarried female that shared at least some my interests would be so astronomically high (especially compared to now) that I’d pretty much be guaranteed at least a meaningful girlfriend. And I still might do that.
But for now I’m sticking to my evil master plan of creating two websites about topics that naturally attract the type of girl that I’m looking for. That’s kind of how I view my websites: I’m not writing or building a community or trying to help others. I’m building a giant wife magnet. (half kidding)
Anyhow, stick around, because this place keeps getting bigger. You should start by creating a New York thread in the Member Locations forum.
@Jonathan D – You got it, buddy! Glad you liked it.
Also: My past isn’t exactly rosy either, and I’ve also had to live through horrible ramifications of life-alteringly bad decisions. But it gets better if you keep climbing!
Also, as for those “sex connected venues” you mentioned: Are you talking about porn or something? That shit will rot your brain, it’s a much more common problem for guy waiters than you might think it is. This post in the forums might interest you: Bad Habits That Can Hinder One’s Attempt to Wait
Wow I been waiting until marriage but this just made me more confident and stronger, thanks alot this just made feel relaxed and that I’m not doing a dumb thing here I’m doing something that is wise, thanks alot god bless you
I think that this is a great site for people who chose to wait.
I’m trying to think of other good things to say about it but I am not coming up with anything, really. For those of us who have made the choice to be physically intimate with the one that we love, this is somewhat insulting. The problem that I have with this article is that you aren’t just saying what the benefits of waiting until marriage are…you are also saying that people who do not wait cannot possibly have the same feelings or “perks”. I have been intimate with one other person outside of my fiance, and it is the same for him as well. Neither one of us regrets our time with the other person, and I will probably tell my kids about my first time as well. When I had sex for the first time, it was the right time and I was ready. It didn’t make sex less uninhibited with my future spouse, let me tell you that. We have been sexually active for 5 years now and still going strong. Show me any relationship that doesn’t wane after that long (especially married relationships anymore) and perhaps I will concede. The truth is, you have no proof that relationships last any longer or are any better for those that wait versus the alternative. Taking a look at marriages that have lasted and assuming they waited, doesn’t count. The fact of the matter is, it is all about the relationship and the two people that are in it that make the difference. I’m not trying to be a troll or to make people feel bad about waiting- for the record. If you want to wait, I think that is great and commendable because it is a personal choice. The fault that I find is when you take the side of, “I’m waiting and therefore I am better than you and will have a longer and more satisfying relationship”. That is a bunch of bull and you should know that. If you wait, only to fall in love with someone who may abandon you (which is a risk for everyone, not just us sexual deviants) you are no better off than the rest. Nothing is final or guaranteed just because you have made a choice. You are not morally superior.
Also, just to say- it is not Christlike to ACT morally superior to others. We should LOVE one another and not judge someone to be of less worth because they like green beans and we don’t. You can justify that abstaining is what God wants all you like, but what it ultimately boils down to is that you are being judgemental by saying that your way is the way of God and the rest of us are in squallor and sin. You’re just one step away from the old gem, “Gay people will never be happily married because they know that they are living in sin”. THAT is a bunch of crap as well. The longest lasting relationships I know of are between same sex couples, and they have been together because they know that they love one another…they don’t need a contract to prove it.
I apologize if I have offended any of you, but you need to open your eyes as well. Don’t keep convincing yourself that Abstinence is the “magic key” to a life of happiness and love. Whether you have sex before or after the altar, it is hard work to make a marriage work. Remind yourself to read articles like this with a grain of salt in some instances. If it is an important decision to you, chances are you won’t need propaganda to convince you.
Pr0wl3r,
At no point in that article did I remotely say or imply that people who didn’t wait could not have the exact same heroic qualities listed above. In fact, I have stated explicitly in earlier comments that of course these qualities are attainable by everybody on their own. If there is a part of the article that you believe says otherwise, point it out. But I think you came to that conclusion on your own through no intent of mine (the author). Saying that the military makes you disciplined is not the same as saying that only people in the military are disciplined.
Your post doesn’t read like a troll, but it does read like somebody venting some pent up feelings, which I understand.
Really, I agree with you on all points. Marriage is hard work whether you wait or not. Waiting is a personal choice that does not make you better than other people. We shouldn’t judge, etc. Really, I don’t think most members of this site would disagree with you on most of the points you made.
But I think you need to step back and read a little bit more of the site you posted your rant on. I understand that you’ve probably had a lifetime of holier-than-thou Christians forming your mental template of somebody who is waiting until marriage, but this site was specifically designed to break that mold. Your comments may have been fairly-placed in other types of abstinence groups, but here I think they are a little unfairly directed and inaccurate as it relates to this particular community of waiters.
You yell at nobody in particular for acting better-than about waiting till marriage. Now go read the first and most popular article I have ever written for this site. The very first point is “Don’t condemn others for not waiting. It’s a personal choice.”
You lecture about how being judgemental is not Christlike, but go check out Leo’s recent article or the forums. Half our members belong to religions that don’t even acknowledge the existence of Christ, and the other half (IMHO) are the cool, sweet type of Christians who view their faith as personal and don’t go preaching at every given prod (as you seem to).
A gay rights argument? Really? You were clearly a little off the rails there. I understand why you made that connection (I’ve met my fair share of holier-than-thou types too, and I used to be one myself), but I don’t think it was called for here. Nobody has made a comment even remotely in that direction. But just to respond to you implication (that members of this site are practically anti-gay): My brother is gay and I love him dearly. And I’m am dying to find a gay person who is waiting till marriage to write me an article for the site.
This site was created to directly oppose the kind of attitudes that you’re ranting against, and is populated by people who are (IMHO) far more thoughtful and empathetic than the stereotype you were picturing when you wrote your post. Your harshness is not fair to them.
Do we occasionally get some judgmental or holier-than-thou type comments? Of course we do. And I’m not going to censor those people any more than I’m going to censor you. But understand too that some of that is people cheering a cause that they otherwise keep private, in an environment that puts them among friends and like-minds. To some extent, bitching about this is like going on a Honda owners group website, seeing a post that says “Hondas are the best cars in the world!”, and getting all uppity because you own a Toyota and feel insulted.
Your first sentence was “I think that this is a great site for people who chose to wait”. You should have stopped there, because that’s all this site is meant to be. I am only interested in providing a support group for those who wait, not in winning new converts.
There are other places and other groups where I think your rant would be quite justified, but I don’t think it belongs here (though I’m going to leave it up anyway). In the future you should make a little bit more effort to get to know somebody before you spit in their face.
As a final note, this site is (if nothing else) a pro-monogamy site. The story you gave for yourself (having only one other partner besides your fiance) puts you solidly in range of the attitudes championed on this site. As much as you seem to hate us, you are effectively one of us. And it is for this reason I hope you can bear with me when I say that you had one false point in your rant: Waiting does tend to produce better marriages. But there is no data on why. It could be because the types of people who choose to wait are naturally more monogamy-geared people, and are thus more likely to put extra effort into relationships and fight to keep them. You are, from what I can tell, one such highly-monogamous person.
With only 2 sexual partners over the course of you life, you have more in common with the people on this site than you do with the average person (who has 8 sexual partners). So if anything, you should take most of the positive arguments on this site as more of a compliment than an insult.
Hi Mike,
First of all I love your site!
I’m 16 and I haven’t ever done anything remotely religious in my entire life. I can honestly say I am a total atheist. But this is not why I’m writing to you. I’ve had sex with my boyfriend, and I always thought it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t forced into it and I was ready for it, so no regrets. I never understood ‘waiters’ (like you and most people who commented), for I thought “If you’re ready, why not?”. I still kinda do. But after reading your article and all your beautiful replies (seriously, they’re like poems!) I felt so different about all this. I do believe waiting can add some very very positive things to your life and marriage. I even tried to persuade my parents over dinner that your Awesome Benefits are actually very reasonable arguments that have nothing to do with religion or any saint-like-ish things.
I swear, your site almost made me want to become a ‘virgin’ again.
But I also have something else I would like to say.
Don’t you think waiting is a form of totally unnecessairy torture? Like I said, the pro’s you mentioned are very convincing. But haven’t you said yourself that a perfect, loving marriage can be attained by people who didn’t wait? You did. Maybe it’s because my parents are very happily married and didn’t wait, but I can’t help but thinking: Sex is fun, sex is good for you, sex is romantic! Ofcourse you should be careful with who you choose to do the deed with, and don’t toss yourself around. But that does not only apply to sex, but to a lot of things, like close friendships, or relationships without sex. If you do be careful, like I was (my boyfriend is awesome and loyal and sweet) sex is just an amazing way to be close to someone. And, although he is my only, I believe sex is different with every new person, so about the ‘saving it’ part: you’re still going to have a whole new kind of sex with The One, especially because you love him/her so much. With that kind of love sex will always be fantastic. The way you experience it depends on so much more than just the amount of times you did it. You’re feelings ofcourse towards your partner, but also the time and place, whether or not you’ve been lonesome lately, and your mood.
I know this is a site for waiters, and I have an awesome respect for all of you! It’s fucking hard I understand from your comments.. Good luck! I just wanted to tell you, Mike, that you almost (unintentionally ofcourse, you said your goal wasn’t to convert people) converted a teen atheist. Pretty damn hard too. I’m sorry for my criticism, I couldn’t help. Hope you keep up the good work, and, like I said, your responses are so nice, and beautifully written.. I don’t think anyone in the world could dislike you. I can’t.
Best of luck,
Haylee
Hi Haley!
Thanks for all the kind words! I’m so used to getting flamed by every non-waiter who stumbles onto this site that your comment was downright refreshing. Also, you write as well as a 26-year-old and I can’t imagine anybody not liking you either!
Now, as for your big question: Do I think waiting is a form of totally unnecessary torture? Well, no. I just don’t look at it that way. Other people might have different opinions on this, but I’ll give you mine…
My friend is a marathon runner. A very good one. While training, she has experienced all of the following: Achilles tendinitis, running while crying in pain, throwing up in the middle of a run and continuing after, cortisone shots into her knees (at age 20), pulled IT band, immobilizing pain in her calves (that prevented her from walking well for weeks), waking up 2 hours earlier than she has to every morning, and spending 50% of her mental energy every day counting calories to ensure that she eats only for fuel, never for pleasure.
Why would she do this? Sure, there are some benefits to her body (good looks, healthy diet, sharp mind), but she could get most of those by running one-tenth of what she does. Why not just run a few miles a week like normal healthy people? Why take it to such an extreme?
I’ll give you two reasons.
First, a negative: She once candidly told me that most distance runners are running from something. Show me a distance runner, she says, and I will show you a person who is trying to outrun a demon.
My friend certainly has her own issues to run through. But that’s only part of the story. She is so much more than her turmoils. Aside from being a incredibly sweet, thoughtful person, she’s also off-the-charts brilliant, and willful enough to subjugate her every action — however painful it is to do so — to serve the goals that she has deemed worthy of her. She is one of the most capable people I have ever known, and in many ways her running is an expression of that capacity and thirst for greatness within her.
She runs through tears because anything less would be a compromise, a defeat. And she is better than that. That’s just how she rolls. Her extreme athleticism is not torture to her; it’s an expression of who she is.
People who wait until marriage often share this duality.
The decision to wait is rarely made solely based on positive thoughts. There is usually plenty of fear and insecurity at work too. In many ways, waiters are running from the specter of an emotional devastation that they never, ever want to experience: giving every last piece of themselves, for nothing.
But they are also more than that. They are deeply idealistic people who are willing to endure a little discomfort if it serves something that they hold dear. They’re hopeless romantics and die-hard monogamists, they’re trusting and trustworthy, and they’re ambitious in ways that too few people are.
Waiting till marriage isn’t torture for them; it’s who they are. It’s an expression of the meaning that they want to give (and get) in relationships.
Plus, it’s not actually as hard to wait as non-waiters tend to think it is. Kind of the same thing as not smoking a cigarette when you’ve never smoked before, versus not smoking a cigarette when you’re accustomed to a pack a day.
If you’ve never done something, you don’t really think too much about what you’re missing, because you don’t know.
Waiting does not always involve the painful resistance that non-waiters tend to think it does. When you (a non-waiter) think of waiting, you might picture a young couple who is deeply in love, kissing and cuddling, and one person is like “I love you so much and I want to share this with you, but my arbitrary belief prevents me from doing so for no good reason so we can’t.”
In my experience, it rarely goes down like that. People that wait have an in-built tether that tightly links emotion and physicality. To most waiters I know, raw sexual activity without a lot of emotion doesn’t feel bad or wrong or forbidden…it just feels gross. Gross isn’t hard to resist.
This is not a black and white sense. There’s a gradient to it. They may like somebody enough to kiss them, but any further starts to feel odd and unwanted. It’s like “I want to have sex with you, physically. But not so much emotionally.” For the type person who waits it’s not very difficult (because they are so idealistic) to deny that short-term physical urge and stay focused on other aspects of the relationship (or lack thereof).
With time and growing affection, maybe they have enough emotional fuel to take them farther, physically. But it would take a very serious love to propel them through that final barrier (people define that final barrier as different things).
Now, if I had that very serious love…I can’t tell you that I wouldn’t go all the way before marriage. But that’s a very rare feeling…a once-in-a-lifetime feeling for most people. Most of the time, as much as I may like a girl, by the time the prospect of going all the way comes up, I end up thinking more realistically…like “I can think of 5 reasons why this is going to be over in six months anyway”. And then most of my desire to go all the way dissipates.
There was one girl that almost got me, because my relationship with her gave me a little taste of that love I was always looking for. I’ve had lots of long-term relationships, but this one felt different…different in a way that many happily married couples would probably describe when recalling their initial dating relationship with their future spouse. I think everybody, waiting or no, feels a little different when the meet the one they are going to end up staying with. More than marriage or propriety, it is this feeling that waiters want to save something for.
Because they are stupid hopeless romantics.
Now, I’ve defended waiting a lot here. That’s kind of what I do. But please don’t take this as any kind of condemnation. I just meant it as an explanation of why waiting is not as torturous as it seems, and maybe I got a little carried away haha.
Anyhow, I think you are awesome, and I am very happy that you’ve found a great, loving boyfriend to share all of your first experiences with. I know I said I don’t like to make value judgements, but the fact that you did all your firsts in a committed relationship puts you far above most people your age in my book.
Take care!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. He has slept with four girls, and I have never had sex before. He wants to sleep with me SO BADLY but respects my decision even though it’s hard. Sometimes I feel weak, but I haven’t ever caved. This just restrengthens my belief in my values. Thank you.
@Anonymous – Thanks for your comment. Glad the article helped! Fun experiment: Ask your boyfriend WHY he wants to have sex so badly. He gets tons of props for respecting you decision, but that question might help you better establish where he’s coming from…and where he thinks he’s headed.
wow…. this is just amazing, my girlfriend and i have been together for 9 months and we decided in the beginning that we wanted to wait untill marriage….i never had a religious reason, i just didnt want our relationship to be just that and i just assumed that one day we will have sex before marriage, just not for a while but here lately for me its been soooo hard for me and me only ,its all i can think about but now that ive read this….. i have a new outlook… and i am going to stay strong FOR me AND her so we are for sure going to wait, gosh i know its going hard but well worth the wait, and i feel like since we haven’t had sex or done anything for that matter, this has been the best relationship ive ever had, shes definitely meant for me no doubt lol…. DANG i love her so much hahahahah im so glad i read this
@JACK – Glad you liked the article! Best of luck with you gf. Hope your relationship continues to be awesome!
Dear Mike,
I am in my twenties and have been living a pure life since I made the decision to wait when I turned thirteen. Yes my parents are religious and I am to to an extent. Growing stronger everyday though. I choose to wait for the fact that I wanted to be able to prove not just say to my husband that him and our relationship mattered enough to me that I waited my whole life for him and him alone. Wether my future husband has made the same decision as I have or not I want and hope that he will respect and love me as much as I do him. (even though we have never met.) I find it becoming a hard battle to keep fighting for the fact that most relationships get to the three to six month mark and guys my age expect more. Then when they realize I was not lying and they are not “getting any” so to speak. They split or drive me insane about giving in until I kick them to the curb. I want a meaningful relationship that will eventually turn or prepare me with the tools to Reach my toy that is up on that top shelf out of reach. Any advice? Another thing is there seems to be a lot of people in my new city that feel it is their duty to explain to me daily lately why I made a bad choice and their sex filled ones where not. Now by no means am I shy in my choice to wait typically it is one of the first things most people learn about me for I am very blunt and feel life is to short why waste it with the masks we all try to wear. No point in MY mind. No I have been in this game before but for some reason it is getting me down and I am beginning to doubt my choice for the first time in eight years. I feel like I have to defend it when in reality I know I don’t just as it is my choice to wait it is their choice to choose a life full of “close calls” with std’s, pregnancy scares, etc. I am the only one out of my friends who made this choice. And one nite they where ragging on me about it saying how much I was missing and either I was just tired of it or wanted them to see it from my view. But at that very moment I proceed to explain that in all the years and all the “issues” they had dealt with from things such as having no where to live because their parents found out they where pregnant so they moved in with me and my parents, or having clymidia from their ex that they cheated on their boyfriend with in a drunken nite… and what do they do now? I was there for all of them but they never seem to be able to be ther for me. Is it because they did not wait so they can not share my experience? But how then do I seem to be able to help them so much when they are the ones in need??? I guess what I am getting at is why does it always feel one sided? And even though I believe I am on the right side for me why does no one else my age seem to have respect no more then that why do they not have understanding or compasion for MY choice?
FYI: This comment is My comment it is not to offend anyone in anyway it is for me to grasp what i need to make it through the struggles I am facing. So much appreciated understanding of the fact that it is MINE and no one elses place to tell me how to precieve things.
And mike great job on the site it gives me new hope that things might turn out alright.
always and forever much love
kaylynn
This was a brief but very inspiring post, and thank you very much for having the guts, insight, and compassion to share it. I’ve waited my whole life for my own Superman, and I have found him. Lucky for me, I adore him and he adores me, and I think it’s safe to say we were both virgins when we met and fell in love (I can speak for myself 100%
), but after two years together (and 5 months engaged), we caved in and solidified our bond by blood (sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? Sorry for the gore…but it is truly awfully special). I don’t regret it for a second, because I was sure of myself when I gave myself to him–I was queasy about the timing (I’d persuaded him to agree to wait till marriage) but never, ever about the person. 
We’ve agreed that we’ll get married and be together forever, of course, but he dances around setting a date, and that old saying dances around my head: why buy the cow when you’ve already got the milk for free? Ever since we started full-blast intimacy, I’ve felt closer to him but also have been plagued by self-doubt. Not about our relationship, but about my handling of my part as his woman. I want our relationship + future marriage to be as incredible as possible (and it just makes sense… saving the best for later forces you not to take it for granted!)–not just now, but always. That is based, at least halfway, on me, isn’t it? I don’t want to pressure him–and I am a bit worried that bringing up this conversation will make him think I am–but I have a say in this too, don’t I? And I believe making this sacrifice–and it will be that, for us both–will bring far more gain than pain, in the long run… if he’s willing to wait a little bit longer (How much longer? That’s his call… and it’s only fair that I respect it 100%).
God bless you, Mike, and here’s to hoping we all live happily ever after. Wish you ALL you guys all the best…
I’m still a virgin but it’s not because I want to wait until marriage. I never had a boyfriend, but I don’t know If I will have sex if I had a boyfriend. BUT, after read this, I think I’ll wait till marriage to have sex because it’s very an important thing to give to someone. I’m glad that I didn’t have sex (whatever the reasons were). Now I know I want to wait till marriage for having sex. So thanks
!!
I’m not a virgin but my gf is she wants to wait till marriage and I TS her I’d wait for her. So after some intense kissing we had to stop and I Googled waiting till marriage for sex and stumbled on this page after reading all this I am feeling much stronger about waiting till marriage to do the nasty haha
I have never read anything more ridiculous in my life.
I’d like to add that these points still ring true for me – and I’ve been married over 42 years! And believe me, the idea of married men not getting any couldn’t be more wrong!
Everything is soooo true! ;D Glad to be different from most and to be able to respect lovemaking as it is meant to be. By saving yourself, you’ll actually enjoy lovemaking more with you husband/wife, then you would just by going around ‘banging’ every 2nd person who is hot… The wait is truly worth it! Im taking this to my abstinence commitee!
Meg it’s your opinion and feel free to voice it but have some tact. And a little regard to other people’s feelings I don’t go around saying everyone who chooses not to wait till marriage is stupid. So don’t judge those who choose to wait. Have some respect for yourself and others.
I just stumbled upon this great site unexpectedly. I think it’s great. I have been in positions where I have been left or not chosen by guys because I am waiting until marriage. Horrible and degrading feeling I tell you, as I have been waiting for a serious relationship for some time now. It hasn’t been an easy road for me, this quest for true love. But it has made me a more positive person who never gives up. I am quite the strong young woman now in my mid twenties. I know there is someone out there for me and everything will be worth it. Thank you for this great post. When I decided to do this it was both a religious choice and just plain personal preference. I was instilled with these values at a young age, which I’m glad happened to me. Just shows how STRONG people are if they can do this, whether they are a virgin or just decided to start over. I think it’s great. I found my true friends this way too, the ones who support my values. Thanks again for this great site. I’ve been feeling a little down in the dumps about this, but I just found this site randomly while searching the internet and it made feel better, like I was meant to stumble upon it or something. Thanks
Take care
I wanted to respond to 3 of the posters here. Firstly, to Hayley: You have slept with your boyfriend and you can’t see what’s wrong with sleeping with the person that you love. That makes sense. But I don’t think you can properly compare the situations unless you’ve slept with at least 2 people. You see, even having slept with your boyfriend, when you’re with him, those special feelings of him being your first are still connected to your interactions with him. Should you choose not to stay with him (or he with you), you will not have the same sense of magic with another person, because you gave your first time to somebody else. You may still love and feel close to another man but the memories associated with a woman’s first time are incredibly powerful, especially if it’s a loving relationship, and it can be painful to be with someone who isn’t a part of these magical memories of a man having first explored your womanhood. It just won’t feel as special, no matter how wonderful the man and how good he is in bed. You will always feel like there is something missing.
To the 32-year-old woman who’s tired of waiting for her Mr. Right: I am the same age as you, and I can’t believe you would even contemplate giving up hope at such an early stage in your life! Your prime is literally just beginning! You haven’t squandered your time or given up anything. This time may be testing you but remember, it’s when we totally give up hope of ever finding true love that true love often comes along. I can only say there is nothing wrong with you sister! I hear of women every day who find their perfect man in their 40s or later. And when he comes along he is so perfect that they wondered where he was all those years they were alone! You may find him tomorrow! Please don’t lose hope.
Finally, to Kaylynn: I would allow for the possibility that your friends may be a tad jealous of you. Perhaps they regret not doing what you’re doing now and don’t want to admit it. From my experience, girls love their friends to be as messed up (or preferably more messed up) as they are because it soothes their wounded self-esteem from making bad choices. Sorry to sound so negative but I’ve been in so many situations with jealous and bitchy women that I’ve kind of started seeing the same patterns repeating over and over. I would say, try and find girls more like yourself, who are also waiting. It would be better for your character to have friends who share the same values as you do. Maybe they can even pull you up a few notches when you slip!
To the author of this site: Congratulations on starting such a great website and for your diplomatic and wise words… and please come back soon from wherever you’ve disappeared to! =)
Bella
I really enjoyed this! My boyfriend is not a virgin and has had sex a few times already but he recently told me that he wanted to wait until marriage with me. I am a virgin, I am not sure why he wants to wait. I wish he was a virgin, and I am unsure if It would be special on our marriage night because I know that I can’t own a piece of him :/ because that piece has already been taken..
Hi Bella–
Thanks for that great post.
As incredible as this site is, Mike – the creator – has only tapped a small amount of its potential. He has been doing more and more stuff behind the scenes and in the near future will be heavily involved in developmental work, doing everything he can to bring this site to the next level.
That’s why you haven’t seen him as much
. Just think, as cool as this site is now… it’s gonna be even BETTER. So please, stick around or why not become a member? 
Jessica — I will try to respond soon. If not just leave another comment so I remember
Hi , I am 15 years old an my girlfriend is 16 and she had already had sex with two people , one of them she was pressured into it the second one she thought it was right. I am a virgim, and we have been together for almost 2 years beside a break we took , she says she wants to wait until marriage but I don’t think it will be special because she isn’t a virgin.. I no some will say we are young but please answer this comment as if we were grown..
This is great. Good work on the article and spreading this to people.
Wow! To think that if it wasn’t for sex, I’d be a super hero. Thanks for this terribly practical list. At least it isn’t on paper, so trees didn’t die, and I can’t call it garbage.
@bill – Waiting till marriage is an an act of self-discipline in service to an ideal. In this way, it has many parallels. Think of the distance runner who wakes up at sunrise every morning before work and runs to their limit. Such a person could easily right an article about the top 11 benefits of running every morning, and they could justifiably point to other areas of their life and character that they feel are positively affected by their daily running habit. If that had been the article — if this had been “The Top 11 Benefits of Running in The Morning” — would you still have come here and scoffed “Oh well that’s rich. All I have to do is go for a jog in the morning and I’ll be a superhero!” or something like that?
I don’t think you would have. Athletic discipline is probably something you can identify with.
Most people, even if they aren’t hardcore athletes, can read an article called “The Top 11 Benefits of Running in the Morning” and be able to appreciate the points in some derivative form. In this way, most of the people that read this article about waiting can relate in some derivative way to the points listed, even if they’re not waiting till marriage for sex. Most people prefer meaning in sex. Most people have sex primarily in relationships. They may not be hardcore waiters, but they’re hardly hussies.
Now, what type of person looks at an article about The Top 11 Benefits of Running in the Morning and viciously scoffs at it as if it had no merit at all? I’ll tell you what type of person: Lazy, fat slobs who need to believe that exercise is silly and that people who are serious about it are beneath him.
That’s the type of person who scoffs at an article about hardcore discipline: somebody who is very undisciplined about that particular topic, so much so that his lack of discipline is entwined around his ego.
In this vein, I think you probably have a VERY casual attitude towards sex. My guess is that your personal philosophy towards sex — if voiced out loud — would be offputting even to normal non-waiters (people who typically have sex in relationships). When it comes to sex, I think you’re probably the fat slob turning his nose up at the Runner’s magazine.
You are not the first non-waiter to visit or comment on this site. Most non-waiters are respectful and can identify somewhat with the points listed above, because for most people — waiting or no — the idea that sex is better with meaning isn’t so foreign. Whenever somebody gets REALLY put off by it…I get suspicious.
Anyhow. In summary: This site isn’t written for you. You are likely the complete opposite of its target demographic. Please consider that before you post. Although at least you had wit…your comment did make me chuckle. lol @ “at least it’s not on paper so I can’t call it trash”
Sooo, my boyfriend’s a Marine and I don’t get to see him very much because of where he’s stationed and how he’s recently been deployed. None of that matters to me though because I know he’s the One.
We’ve had sex before, but I recently decided that I may want to wait for many of the reasons above (7-9 mainly; and 12 [God]). But he says that we don’t see each other that often anyways so it won’t matter. He’s also agreed to not co-habitating before marriage either. So what he/I/we want(s) to know is, will it make a difference if we only have sex a few times a year and if we don’t live together until we’re married?
P.S.-I’m the only girl he’s ever been with, even though he’s not the only guy. Don’t know if that was important. Just wondering. lol
Hi Mike! I just want to say that I find your article extremely inspirational. I also love how you respond with such poetic pose. May God bless you!
A question I have is: how do you know when you found the right person? I guess a cliche answer would be that you “you will know.” But in real life is it really that simple? I am 18 years old and have never been a relationship before. I would very much like to be in a relationship, but don’t know if it is best to date around (like lots of people do) or to just wait until I’m absolutely sure that I found the man I want to marry.
Thank you so much!
*poetic prose
I know the sort of people who will read this. I used to be one of them – growing up in a church where women would urge abstinence, even attending seminars on abstinence with my mom. People told me I would regret giving it up before marriage. That I wouldn’t be emotionally ready for it.
None of that’s true. I wish someone had told me this. I don’t regret giving away my virginity. I was safe, emotionally secure, ready, and with the right guy for it (even though I probably won’t marry him). I don’t regret it and neither should anyone else.
As for the article, I didn’t see how it relates to saving for marriage. Not sure how virginity “changes the world” (point 1). Also a disturbing amount of references to children and innocence.
Hi Vicki,
Mike here. Site founder, and author of this article. I grew up outside the church, and have never been particularly religious. Nobody told me to wait until marriage. If anything, my peers and parents discouraged it. I understand the circumstances that formed the stereotypes of the typical abstinent person in your mind, but please consider how biased your frame of reference is before you generalize. There’s a chance that not all of us are like the people you grew up with (although some of us are).
Waiting isn’t just about fear, obligation, and avoiding regret. If those were the arguments given to you, then it’s no wonder you’re a little bitter and disillusioned about it. I also don’t view it as a question of right path vs. wrong path as many people make it out to be. Just because I say I’m waiting till marriage doesn’t mean that I think you’re wrong for not waiting. It just means that I’ve decided that this is the path I want for me.
Really, the way that you had sex for the first time: In safe, emotionally secure relationship with the right guy…that kind of attitude towards sex is pretty close to the attitude most waiters have. As much as you seem to disdain us, you’re more like us than you might realize. What reaction were you expecting? You waited until you felt ready, found a good guy, and did it in committed relationship. You chose the path that felt right for you and it worked. Good job.
I’ve said this in several comments, and I’ll keep saying it: I don’t care if you wait until marriage. I don’t care if you sleep with five different guys (or girls) a night. It’s your life. Whatever path you choose for yourself, it’s your business and nobody else’s, and if makes you happy, then it’s a winner. I apologize on behalf of other waiters for the long history of certain people making you feel guilty for having sex. In my view, they were wrong, and not you.
That said, if it’s all the same to you, I’m still going to wait. Because I want to. It makes me happy.
@Kathy – Thanks! I’m really glad you liked it. As for you how to know when you’ve found the right person, I probably can’t answer that as well as some other people might be able to, since I haven’t found my right person yet.
But I do feel like I’ve ALMOST found the right person before. And those experiences have led me to develop a theory about what it would be like to really and truly find that penultimate person for yourself, and it’s this…
“When your heart explodes, and your mind agrees.”
Hi Mike,
First of all I really like your website but i must admit I did not find it willingly. After being with my boyfriend and being sexually active with him for almost a year, he suddenly decided that he wanted to wait until marraige. He broke it to me in a matter of fact “this is what i am gonna do” tone and i felt there and then that it was an ultimatum – his way or the highway. Although we had planned to move in together in the very recent future he has now also decided that he is not doing this until he is married either. You see he has recently become very religious and although I am a believer, I did not consider following my faith to this extent. i feel hurt that I didnt know him well enough to see this coming (his family have always been very religious) and i feel angry that i have no say in this. I know my boyfriend loves me, wants to marry me and he is honestly the most amazing person i have ever met but i cant help but feel that i am not as important to him as this goal. I respect his wishes but I have been struggling with this for months and it feels like i have no one to talk to as he puts the guilt trip on me and asks me would i prefer for him to give up his faith. I love him with all my heart and I will wait for him but I think the issue for me is that i feel rejected (as someone mentioned here also). I have mentioned this to him and i know he wants me but it always feels like he is not struggling with the lack of that connection as much as i am!! Don’t get me wrong, we are an “everything but” couple so there is intimacy but It’s just upsetting not feeling that amazing connection that we used to have. That said, Your article has helped me realise that (like other people have mentioned) somewhere down the line i would have liked to give up sex prior to my wedding night anyways and although my current situation is not ideal for me you have made me realise that I would actually feel sad if i didnt wait and you have given me a more positive outlook on this!
Not a hugely positive “i want to wait” type of message but i just wanted you to know that you helped a very cynical person even if it was just a little
Thank you!
Thank you for writing this Mike. Just an hour ago I was chatting casually with a few of my coworkers who I am close with. I am a 24 year old female, and they are 59 and 52 year old males. We can get rather candid and personal in our conversations, so at one point virginity was brought up. I said (truthfully) that I am still a virgin. Both of them know that I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. And one looked at me with doubt, and the other starting laughing as though it were ridiculous. I was hurt. The conversation continued onto some other topic, and I was floored that it was such an inconceivable notion that a 24 year old female could be a virgin.
I am a virgin for several reasons. First and foremost is my religion. I am a practicing Catholic and while I am not perfect, I try to abide by the Catholic faith as much as possible. Second, I want to wait. I find the idea of having someone who loves you and wants to marry you for reasons that aren’t sexual to be a beautiful thing. And for that matter, so does my Catholic boyfriend. Third, I honestly don’t think I’m ready yet. I don’t want to rush a decision I cannot take back.
It’s been challenging sometimes, we still kiss and do other non-penetrating acts of love. And I have (and will continue to be) proud of my resistance to this temptation. But it hurt me to hear that even people who I am close to and have known for over a year, didn’t believe a fundamental part of my life and my ability to avoid temptation. The longer I date my boyfriend, the fewer people believe me. Even my mother and grandmother (both of which I am very close to) and my best friend, my older sister doubt me. In a way, I want to be congratulated for my efforts, for doing what none of them could not. But I know I’m doing this for God and for me. So why does it hurt so much to not have anyone believe me?
Hi!!
Not only am i so pleased to read your inspiring words Mike, but also to see the vast number of responses from people both for and against waiting for marriage- because this means, we are talking about this issue, and it is real!!
In today’s society, it would be so easy to simply ignore or forget the idea that someone could wait till marriage to have sexual intercourse, and consider waiting to be “out dated and irrelevant” but these discussions show that it is current, and people are searching for more meaning, and a different way for different results!!!
I am not going to sit here and type that i haven’t been on the other side of this track. I made my decision to wait for marriage based on my real life experiences, and once i had enough relationships to show me, and once i had accumulated enough undeniable spiritual energy and desire for meaning in all areas of my life, i knew the change needed to be made.
When i was guided to make this decision, it came to me as a small whisper of an idea. And i knocked it back something quick, with the thought “No way! I am such a sexual person, there is no way i could survive without expressing this act in my relationship!!”
And i tested it, i could change my attitudes and values from the inside, but it never could change what sex before marriage did to my relationships. Among other factors, it played a massive role in both selecting the incorrect partners for myself, and killing any chance of a true and multi-layered love to develop.
I have only had few sexual partners, and each was a boyfriend i truly wanted to make a future with.
My values have always been monogamous, but i found something was disconnected. I have had two serious relationships in my life, and each started with the guy appreciating me for the fabulous and beautiful person i am, feeling a friendship, a soulmate connection and even sharing our views on life, love- everything. And then, our impulses would take hold and we would share that sacred act after a year, or after a month, whichever it was, my attitude towards sex was the same, i wanted to share it, and have it, and once we had it, we couldnt see through the dark and it was an obsession, and then it made us feel trapped in that world- suddenly all the unique and mysterious things i knew that person saw in me became less and less important, and they became fixated on the sexual aspect.
As my spiritual journey has continued, i am still someone who will always enjoy sex and have a great time expressing and experiencing all that comes with it. However, the sudden realisation came to me like a bolt of lightning and i couldn’t deny it.
I have made a vow that in the next relationship i have i will stay strong to my values and express that sex is for marriage onward and not before.
My reasons? Because i want a man to marry me, and i want the ultimate commitment, the ultimate friendship, a long lasting and enduring love.
Having sex with someone you have dated for a month, or three months, or six months, or a year or whatever amount of time it has been in today’s sad society of short-term love and lack of commitment is sharing prematurely a very intimate expression of love, and connection both spiritually and mentally.
If the spiritual connection has not been given enough time to develop, the spirit is not brought into your sexual relationship, it is weakened and eventually buried. At the end of each date instead of sitting under a twilight sky appreciating the person your partner is, you are expecting what you know will come at the end of the date- sexual gratification.
Very soon, you are not even having sex to connect on any level except the physical, and very soon, you are being taken for granted and your relationship is being given the bare minimum to survive- which is never good enough.
Of course there is always an exception to every rule, but in a lot of cases, do you really look at this person and think they have any reason to step up and make an extra commitment to you, or to marry you? Relationship issues are no longer discussed effectively, and are also buried under sexual intercourse. Very soon, you are feeling empty.
If marriage is not what you want, that is each person’s decision and it is not for everyone, but it is for me because of its expression of ultimate commitment. I have proven to myself time and time again through my real life experience that this choice is the right one for me- i have seen the changes and the slow decline that occurs after sex has entered the relationship until it eventually trickles to a stop.
Relationships should be fulfilling, deep and real. I think there is a new movement, we are all contemporary people, cool cats who are saying “Yes! I am waiting till marriage. If you want to come along with me on this ride you can, if not, someone else will and i can’t wait to meet them!!”
Much love and many thanks for this inspirational website,
Bliss
hi, for me you’re attempt to clarifie and pressent additional understanding on the concept of wiating for marriage, is, as an understatement welcome and recived with up most gratitude. you have changed my perception and allowed for seemingly escilated apreacheation towards my girlfriend of 8 months. and ovcoarce inhance my personal worth, values and attitude towards life in genral. this was my initial trian of thought
I love this article…I wish I knew it all off by heart so I can tell friends how amazing waiting can be and what it can do for you in every aspect. However, I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend of 8 months that understands it all!
mary
16 (my girlfreind of 8 mounths ha) thanks by the way!
No one seems to mention that the night of the wedding sex will last like 7 seconds hahaha…real fun
Lol!!!
Hello, I’d like to start off by saying I am nearly 16 years old and have decided to wait until marriage, mostly because of God, and now partcially because of this. I have had no woman figure in my life until recently. My mom left when I was 3 and my grandmother died when I was 9. My best friend’s mom had her when she was just 14, getting pregnant at 13, and I’d like to say I have some-what learned from her. My best friend, Laura, has been my best friend since she was 3 and I, 5. And recently we’ve became even closer talking about God, marriage, children, and yes, even waiting. We’ve both came to realize what waiting can do for you and your marriage and this just justifies it even more. My friend’s mom, Shaye, has had 3 kids, all by different dad’s and she is now married by a different guy, which is not the father of any of her children. I have thought that this has made their marriage harder, because they fight all the time, and have split up about 5 times in their 6 year marriage. Now, my mom has 5 kids, from what I know, and has married 4 times. She had her first child by a man she never married, at 16. Then she met my dad at 18, they married, and had 3 kids. Of course they divorced. Then she married a guy in the military and they had 1 child. I’ve lost touch with my mom and she is married again, which I found out by on Facebook, but she didn’t tell me. Both of these women have had really horrible marriages, and I think it’s because they didn’t wait. Me and my friend have both decided to wait and hope we both have wonderful, prosperous marriages. I can’t wait to show her this. Thank you for this, and sorry for my bad grammar, puncuation, and lack of paragraphs. Oh and these are obviously fake names. If anyone has anymore reasons to wait until marriage please post them, I would be very much obliged.
Am so glad with people’s comment, it makes me feel am not crazy,ignorant or old fashioned.Thank God am not alone in this game of purity till marriage. I must confess it gets harder as one gets older and mingle more with the world but because it is a resolution,a vow which personally i know the importance and benefits i have been able to carry on. I will be 30 this year,am not married but still an original VIRGIN.I have not seen the man but i have this strong faith and feeling that ours will be the best marriage on earth why because there is no way i will wait this long and mess up my home. I will be devoted and faithful to him and my children, cos i know that very very soon God will bring us together in the a unique union and my home will be a home where people will come to draw inspiration and encouragement and my children will call me bless, for i know that in all this years of waiting i have been planning for them.So my dear do not be discouraged and do not allow anyone to deceive you, the wait is definitely worth it.Am happy for the grace of God has been mine pillar. Waiting till marriage makes one look far younger from the actual age and comes with a lot of God blessings and favor.Whether we like it or not sex is a unique experience and should not be shared with just anyone.I seriously wait for mine wedding night because i know,it will not just a physical bonding but also a spiritual bonding of two souls .Thank you
Staying a virgin till marriage brings respect, trust and makes your man Adore you more.
Wow.
I’m still 19, and I’m planning to stay a virgin until I get married, and I’m amazed at how this article took the words right out of my mouth. This is what I’ve been planning to do with my life since I was a little girl and I’m happy I stumbled on this!
Thank you for this article,
Have a blessed day,
x
i believe to save sex before marrage but any problem to suck my boyfriends penis
Moncita, oral sex is sex… Wait till marriage, you will be so grateful you did
and if he isn’t willing to wait… he’s not deserving of you
Hey so I’m 14 and i have thought ever since I was little that I was goin to wait till marrige but when i found a post asking how many guys would be willing to wait I was scared so many guys said they wouldn’t! i was starting to doubt wheather or not I would wait, i don’t want to be heartbroken everytime a guy would dump me because I would’t be giving them what they wan’t. This article and the comment have made me feel so much better! Thank you! A quick question for those who are married and waited how did you get through it in high school and college?
Thnaks.
Hi Linda,
College is a big topic here. We already have an article on life after college which is one of our more popular articles. As for how to “survive” college, an article on that is in the works, keep checking back… it’s coming
Oh yeah, and please feel free to join the forums! There’s some awesome people whom you can chat with, learn from, and befriend. This site is an excellent support system and place to have fun.
We’d be happy to have you
Hello. I enjoyed reading this. I stumbled across this, b/c I wanted to post this on a site that I frequent b/c of how some of the women are living their lives, and I thought maybe someone else could articulate my thoughts a little better (and you did)
I married later in life and was a virgin (no anal, no oral, certainly no vaginal) it was hard, but I made a vow to God and myself that my husband would get that part of me. The waiting got harder as time went on and I started wondering if God would ever bless me with a husband. Very long story short, He did and I am going into my 3rd year of marriage. It was worth the wait, i’d do it all over again. I did have an exfiance, and he begged for sex, but I refused, it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. (he turned out to be the wrong man anyway)
I have a friend who is 40 and is still a virgin. Such women still exist, albeit a small minority.
How can you even write this if you are not married?
wow! what a FANTASTIC article. I love this and i’m so encouraged to keep WTM.
thank you so very much!
Thank you so much for this article! I’m a 14 year old girl, and I’ve always told myself that I was going to wait until marriage for sex. But then I would always doubt myself and say things like “is it worth it?” and “what difference does it make?” and I was unsure if I would stick to keeping my virginity until marriage. But after reading this article, I am now 100% sure that I will wait until marriage for intercourse. I’ve seen relationships deteriorate because of premarital sex. I’ve known people who have died from sexually transmitted diseases because they were promiscuous. But now I am so sure of myself and I know that I will be so proud of myself that I had the strength to wait until marriage. Thank you so much!
Thank you Mike for sharing this. I was struggling mentally over my decision to wait for marriage and it was great to hear how many positive aspects there to standing by your principles. Your article gave me some great perspective and made me realize what I have to gain as a Christian and a woman by sticking to the choice I’ve made. And I must say that you are extremely insightful and gracious for sharing your thoughts will us. Your wisdom is really inspiring and I’m sure it has helped many others as it has helped me.
Me and my boyfriend have decided from the get that we were going to wait to have any type of sex, even kiss, till we got married. Well, it is really hard and we messed up some times but we are on our way to the right track again and it feels great to be pure! Reading this and all the positive comments is really encouraging. This is an amazing site and praise God for it!
Hi, this article made me think twice about waiting for sex until marriage. I have a gf and we’ve been together for 6 years now and I’m just waiting for her to be ready for sex. Not sex but making love. She’s not ready yet. And things just got worse for us lately coz my ego is saying to me that why should I bother her to have sex with me when I can get it to other girls? I mean, I’m a man. I should choose girls to my preference. That’s when I doubt that our relationship will not last any longer and I think she’s not going to marry me coz she wanted to be virgin when she gets married and that’s so unfair to me the way I think about it. It’s just unfair.
Im 20 years old and Im still a virgin. Though only my closest friends know of this. Iv had opportunities you could say, like at parties and stuff to loose my virginity but something has always kept me back from doing it. Im not religious by any means so its not beliefs or anything like that holding me back. Iv just always wanted to lose it to someone who actually mattered to me, someone I really cared about and not just some one night stand that I’ll later regret. Im neither for or against the idea of waiting till marriage cause I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I don’t think I can honestly say that Iv really been in a serious relationship, sad I know. A 20 year old who’s in college and still has yet to get a girlfriend. I know its abnormal to still be a virgin but….I don’t know, I guess I’m still waiting and hoping to meet someone.
I was monogamous with my ex husband, he was my only until he decided to flat out cheat, lie, and abandon me. I tried to save us, but thats aparently when he started cheating. He was having sex with me and a casual sex partner for five months in secret, and we had agreed to a monogamous separation.We were our onlies till he cheated, the whole thing leaves me cheated on my idealistic happy marriage concept I once thought we would have. Thirteen years together total, I am now dating again at 31.
Eric, Yeah, I am no virgin as my first post says, but I want to say in my re entry into the dating world I have spoken to I want to say five virgins, a few not by choice most are based on personal fears, convictions, like waiting. Sex changes the relationship. If you are both in love it can be great, but both must love eachother, otherwise its not very meaningful. Real Loving sex as its best, I know from experience, trancends the physical pleasure uniting souls for a moment in time. Sex is the icing on the cake. Some guys dont want to wait, and I may or may not wait till marriage, but I definitely want love. I leave sex out of my dating for the most part, as unless I am with someone exclisively, its not worth it to me, esp. if he does not really love me. Sex is a good way to speed up that engagement. I am not sure if I want to be a missionary wife, but a man whom is 30 and missionary really wants to see me and date, he is one that waits till marriage.I have met several awesome men whom are virgins, and I say it is not abnormal, its societal suicide… men dont stand by their women, its sad when they should be the leaders. My ex left me with nothing. God got me thu
I had already made the decision to be sexually abstinent a long time ago, and reading this just made me even more firm in the reasons of my decision. Thak you very much to those of you who created this.
There is the good way. And there is the best way. There is one that will lead you where you want to go and one that will lead you faster. Think at it as a triangle. The hypothenuse is the best . I want the best for my future. I’m following the hypothenuse to get the furthest ahead as possible and enjoy the best of what life could possibly offer me. . It’s like buying an expensive condo hard to afford in the center of the city when you could buy one in the suburbs and progressively move in. Duh u say, it’s kinda obvious? Well remember there are wicked smart people who will always be able to sale anything they would like you to get manipulating you( intentionally or not ) Physically, emotively or whatever . Just stick with the best plan for you. The day will come soon enough you will enjoy what you always wanted . I ‘m staying virgin till marriage !!!
My husband and I dated all through high school and college and waited until our wedding night to have sex. It was definitely a decision based on our Christianity and though it was hard at times, it was well worth it. We have had so much fun being married and living together. It definitely made our decision to get married right after college that much more exciting. Thanks for the post!
http://bemily521.hubpages.com/hub/savingyourselfformarriage
I am definitely one of those people who are going to wait till marriage to have sex but my only concern is with the way society is going i am not sure i will ever find someone who believes in the same thing i do.
@Sriram – Join the forums and meet lots of other people who share those values!
incredibly inspiring, I’m a 22 year old male making the journey of abstinence until marriage. I am graduating college and survived all four years with numerous encounters that almost did me in. God is good and will keep his promises.
I applaud this article. I am 23 and I have been married for over a year. My wife and I have been together for a total of 4 years, and she is my angel. Being married means you get and become a partner. You act and live as a unit (not that you completely lose your individual identity). I had one great family, and now I have two (my inlaws are wonderful), and eventually (another 6 or 7 years) we will have a family of our very own. We are both well educated (I have 3 engineering bachelor’s degrees, she is a teacher) with good jobs. We love each other, and that includes having sex as an expression of our love. When our children come, they will be the result of our love. You are right. For her, I would cross oceans, scale mountains, tear the world apart. I am so glad I did not wait to have sex until marriage. I am so glad we did not wait to move in together. We learned and grew so much as a couple because of our experience. We learned how to be unselfish, how to work together, how to compromise. Our wedding WAS special, because it was the public declaration and celebration of what was in our hearts. We swore an oath to one another far before we made it public. That oath that we made to each other is what binds us. A wedding ring does NOT make sex okay. Your heart makes the commitment. A wedding ring only means what the individuals wearing them MAKE them mean. No one else, not parents, not god, not anyone else gives them meaning. Just because people say that it’s okay to have sex with your spouse does NOT make it okay. Would I stay with my wife if we didn’t have rings on? Absolutely. If legal marriage were not the norm, would I still commit to my wife as I do now? ABSOLUTELY. Because love is NOT a ring. Love is in the heart. That is what matters.
My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year, after dating for 2 years, but our wedding is still nearly 14 months away. We are still young- He is 22 and I am 24. He is a wonderful guy, but can act like a jerk about my values, sometimes, although I think that that deep down he believes the same thing. We slipped up one time, which makes him seem to think it just doesn’t matter now. We do “play” pretty regularly, even though I tried to hold off on that, so basically do do EVERYTHING except for, and I want to hold on to that (other than having slipped up once which was the first time for both of us). I was hesitant to, but we started sleeping together most nights a few months ago, even though we have separate apartments. Both of us are Christians and we go to church together most Sundays. We have read the verses about it in the Bible too, but sometimes it feels hard to follow what was written 2,000 years ago. I found this article and read it to him. I thought that it was a very good article.
“I told you I didn’t want to hear a lecture about why I’m a terrible person.” …. “the one thing that article forgets to mention is how much it completely sucks to wait.” – my fiance, who doesn’t see any point in waiting another almost 14 months, because we are already engaged.
Any suggestions?
Sex is natural and instinctive. Marriage is a social institution. In reality, the two ideas have absolutely nothing to do with one another at all. This idea of insisting and alluding to the absurd and obviously illogical outcomes of waiting (until after you are married to have sex) and then presenting them as incentives is utterly ludicrous. It also makes me wonder who the author is and if they have the right to vote.
Really, you should all be grateful that people were having sex before marriage! If we can all cast our minds back to the very first recorded marriage in 2350 BC in Mesopotamia and look at the happy bride and groom, gleeful parents, drunken friends and relatives. WAIT A MINUTE! If we were all against sex before marriage, how on earth would anyone be at the wedding? How did the bride and groom stand there, unless mummy and daddy, and mummy and daddy- in law had been bumping uglies outside of wedlock, surely not! I suppose the real question is, what came first; the chicken or the marriage certificate?
I also don’t think that Einsteins quote; “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” really relates to sex in any conceivable (ho ho ho) way, and anybody that has had sex will know that nobody expects different results from sex, the result is always the same and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then maybe it isn’t time for you to be having sex anyway! With that said, if you do have sex “over and over again” and expect different results such as thunderbird 1 flying out of the mrs’ or misses’ vagina, then the likelihood is; you are insane.
And to all those impressionable kids out there; sex is a natural act between two animals (not a spiritual act, so lets stop hyping sex up- there is nothing spiritual about human genitals devouring one another), and YOU (whatever age you are) will know when you are ready to have sex and YOU only know the right answer to YOUR question. Ignore all these people, they don’t know you or your situation, whether they tell you to do it, or to wait, it’s your business, just remember to never feel pressured into doing anything you do not feel comfortable with, but do not confuse your nervousness with the idea that you are doing anything wrong by having sex- EVERYONE is nervous when facing the unknown and to a virgin, sex is certainly the unknown.
So lets try thinking for ourselves and perhaps encouraging ‘thought’ so that these younger individuals can learn to make better decisions for themselves, rather than having their heads filled with all this nonsense about…(insert any of the top 11 awesome benefits of waiting until marriage here)….
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and we are both virgins. It’s really hard to wait till marriage but we are doing it. We will marry each other at the end of this year. Yay! Finally. Btw I’m 25, he’s 24. I enjoy your article so much that I feel a huge weigh has lifted off me because I wasn’t always sure whether it’s a good thing to wait or not, now I know
I will email this to my bf so he can feel the joy too. Thank you!!!
Oh my goodness! Thank you for writing this! I’ve been tossing the idea of my bf and I performing oral on each other eventually if our relationship progresses. Actually, it was today. We’re both 19 and he is gone in the navy. I will be starting college again this fall. We really love God and know how serious he is about pre-marital sex. We both have goals in life and want better for our future children *even if for some reason we do not marry* than our parents could do for us. We both came from a single parent home and we know how hard it is. Unfortunately society claims sex is vital and advertises it at every turn… Of course we being virgins and God-fearing do not want to have sex. We would like to eventually have sex, and we know how special it is…We have urges and we both have decided to stop pleasuring ourselves. We have friends that say we should have sex b/c it brings us closer but we say that it causes emotional scarring and many other problems besides the fact that it is a sin. We even have friends who wished they would’ve waited, Ive seen that so much and I do not want that to happen! It breaks my heart. Also, I have always been one to go against what is usually deemed popular by my peers. Our very close friends say that we will get married one day, but I just cant imagine that right now lol! Our relationship just kinda happened on its own and we are very happy together. We talk about God sometimes but I think it would be good to read scriptures together. I have a promise ring but I also would love to get him one too!!! My bf and I really care for each other and we do not pressure each other into anything. Is there any way to make this a bit easier? I will also be showing him this article, I am very excited to see what he thinks! Any advice on it at all would be great! Im sorry this is so long though!
Thank you soooooo much for posting this!!! And for leaving forums to check it out. Im 23 years old, a virgin, and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, whos also a virgin and 23 yrs old. The problem is that he wants to have sex before marriage and lately has been really insistent about it. I had a previous 2 yr relationship and ended it because in the end i didnt really love the guy, so that was probably why i didnt want to have sex with him, apart from wanting to wait.
Now with my current boyfriend i do love him, and i have actually gone back and forth about my feelings of wanting to have sex or not. 6 months into the relationship i told him that i was beginning to change “my thoughts” for him but that I wasnt ready, but over the past year we have been really fighting since we both have strong personalities, and obviously because of the sex issue. He tells me that no one waits until marriage and always asks me “I love you and ive been waiting for you for 2 years, who does that?? Cant you do something for me too, to put something in the relationship?” i KNOW and acknowledge the fact that hes been waiting so long, so sometimes i think,….should I??? But with the fights and him insisting(I’ve talked to him about this, but still he tells me the same thing) , i’ve gone back to wanting to wait…because i know i will regret it, to have sex just because he was patient with me. I understand where he comes from but at the same time i understand myself. I do love him but i’m just afraid that because of this things wont work out, and i’ll have another failed relationship…yet again.
I’d just like to say that my boyfriend really is a nice guy, thats why im also so frustrated that this is happening to us
i dont know if you’ll read this, or if anyone will. But if anyone could just give me advice or just give me their view on it i would really appreciate it.
Thank you!!!!!! and again, AMAAAAAAAAZING page!!!
This article made me EXCITED to continue waiting.
I’m so greatful to you for such a lovely article. I do appreciate it and i will encourage my follow youths with it and also encourage those that are waiting to keep to it coz it pays. More grace to write more.
Dear Dr. Messiah, I wanted to thank you (yet again) for bringing hamily back to me. We had known each other for what seemed a lifetime and dated on and off during that lifetime. A couple years ago some rich beauty moved to town and swept her away from me. They got married after 2 months of dating and moved away, I had no idea where she was or how to get a hold of her! I requested that the split them up and reunite us love spell be cast for me by the freemercytemple@yahoo.com . A week later, out of nowhere, hamily showed up on my doorstep. Said she had been miserable in her short marriage, the guy was great but not for her. I helped her file for divorce and we got married at a justice of the peace two days after her divorce was final. We have been happy every since. He have done more for me that I could possibly ever repay him for.
Thanks for this article…am along this road and ready to be different!
@naturegal – Thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it.
I am 24 years old, and I have saved myself so far. Recently, I met a really hot guy at work. He has had sex before, but he says he is willing to wait for marriage before having sex. The trouble is, he doesn’t consider oral or anal sex. I told him anal is still sex because it involves the male sex organ. He says peeing does as well, and peeing isn’t sex. Good point, I guess. He has also suggested just seeing how it feels, without finishing. Would it be wrong to do that?
@Julia – Forget about whether it’s wrong or right. Those aren’t the right questions to be asking. First off, at 24 years old you should be evaluating potential mates on more than just “hotness.” Most 24-year-old women I know don’t describe their new boyfriend as “totally hot.” That’s for 15-year-old girls with no relationship experience. A 24-year-old might say “I get along with him really well, we share similar passions, he’s very intelligent, we seem to be headed in a compatible direction, and he’s also, like, really attractive, which certainly doesn’t hurt.”
I strongly suggest developing at least one or two standards beyond physical attraction. It is trivially easy to find an attractive person that will have sex with you. It’s much, much harder to find a person who you get along with and feel intellectually compatible with. Find somebody you click with. Find somebody who is a friend too. If you don’t have mental commonalities as a foundation, your relationship is doomed (or at best just shallow).
Also: I don’t know him. But based on the fact that his reaction was “Oh I’m totally cool with the fact that you’re waiting till marriage. I really respect that. So can I go in the backdoor?” I think it’s pretty safe to assume this guy is at least a little bit of a douchebag. And if you really did wait because you wanted to save yourself for a more serious, meaningful relationship, I can pretty much guarantee you that this isn’t it.
Do what makes you happy, but don’t kid yourself. “Just to see how it feels.” is him trying to convince you out of waiting with physical sensation. He thinks you’re going to like it so much that you won’t want to wait anymore. He is not thinking about you, he is not considering the mental and emotional reasons you have for waiting at all. He is not respecting your decision. He’s just thinking about being the one to talk you out of it.
See #3 on The 5 Reactions Guys Will Have When You Tell Them You’re Waiting
Super awesome article, thanks! (Had to use the word “super” cuz the superhero theme inspired me
article like this make me strengthen my belief and believe that waiting is the right thing to do! Great job on this article and i hope that a lot more people see this and reevaluate the way they think. Lets be different! LETS WAIT!:)
@Elie D – Thanks for the comment. Glad you liked it!
I’ve always wanted to wait till marriage, but I’ve got to admit that lately I have been a little shaky about this decision. Let’s be honest: when you’re in your twenties and still a virgin, you just don’t get to date anyone. I’m not here to say that waiting is bullshit or something, but it does give you a hard life. Sometimes I think: what if I keep waiting, losing many opportunities of being in a relationship and then I just get old and single forever? Waiting should bring us peace and serenity, but when it starts to get us desperate and afraid of our future, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. After waiting for so long, I’m finally reconsidering it… I wish I were strong enough to believe I’ll find someone special soon, get married, have cute kids and live in a beautiful house in California, but what if I’m putting just too much expectation on this? While I’m waiting, many girls are getting married, becoming mothers, enjoying a mature life… And I think to myself: what have I gotten so far? I don’t know, I just wanted to express how I feel right now, knowing that you guys won’t judge it in a bad way.
?? waiting until youor married to find a male that can get you off is the best advise ive heard. I realy enjoy having sex with married women who have never gotten off. im glad she waited to find the right man that repulses her enough to drive her to me. its a no brainer get an education before. produce tissue or be a tissue swapping slut like your religious mother and your sister are. say the baby has his side of the famaily appearence. so every one will know you never have orgasims make your bishop know what a fool you and all of your church women are for listening to him.
hey mike,
I just wanted to say how much this article inspired me. I am 15 years old, and all of my friends are starting to realize that they want to engage in sexual intercourse before marriage, but I do not. I have been brought up believing that it is morally wrong. I strongly agree with this article, because it states all of the benefits of waiting. My peers look at me as if I am weird, as they do not know why I would even consider waiting until after marriage. I explain to them that you should engage in sexual intercourse when you are married, because you then know that the person is with you because of love, not just wanting your body. I find it sad that people nowadays have, quite frankly, no morals, and that they wish to have sex before marriage. My mother waited until her wedding night, and my mother and father have been married for over 26 years now.
If girls who are indeed sleeping with guys before marriage get pregnant, they have to explain to the child that they are a bastard,and in some cases how they’re dad never stayed. This makes me feel sick.
I believe in celibacy, but my peers make me feel as if I am not accepted due to this choice.
thanks for taking the time to read this, I just needed to express my views. Again, I would like to say that this article was inspiring.
Hanneli, if a guy doesn’t want to date you because you’re waiting until marriage to have sex, then he’s a dick.
Count yourself as lucky that you get to quickly narrow down the losers without having to date them for months.
If a guy is really interested in you, then you waiting will seem charming to them, and make you seem even more sweet and honorable.
Mike, I have had relationships in the past that sadly did no last. I guess a great part because I couldn’t wait and realize that actually sex life is part of a great commitment and responsibility. I’m now a Christian and decided to do things right. Thanks a lot for your helpful work. It’s very inspiring. All the blessings and success in your career.
Mike, thanks so much , i’m 20 years old and a virgin and i’ve seen more reasons to actually wait. Thanks so much . I pray God will make me wait to the last
Iam 21 and still avirgin and in love wit a 25 yrs old young man .your aticles gave me alot courage 2 stand firm and i ask dat god will help both of us ,bcos it is not easy to stay wit someboby who is a not a virgin.
Do you really think so, Kenny? Because I’ve been feeling really stupid lately. I used to think being a virgin would get me better men and that they would find this decision “charming”, as you said. Suddenly though, I feel like a freak. I started to think that maybe NO ONE appreciates this virginity stuff nowadays and even worse: I’m afraid it leads to endless loneliness. Yes, we do get to narrow down the losers, but I’ve been thinking: what if I’m letting some possibly good relationships go just by avoiding sex? Seriously, I’m starting to think that I’m too old to wait any longer.
i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now (we were high school sweethearts), and we will be getting married in two years. We were best friends before we “hooked up” and have been VERY sexually active since then. After i told him that we should wait until marriage in order to have a blessed relationship after we wed, he has been the most wonderful support anyone could ever ask for. My problem is, I love sex, and have been struggling with resiting temptation whenever we get together. We do not live with one another yet, and I am graduating college next year. I am in Christ and just got baptized, so I am getting closer to GOD and reaping the benefits of it. My ONLY problem is resiting the temptation to jump his bones every time we see each other. How can I contain for two more years? I know i’m not in this alone, but my internal “spidey senses” are going crazy here!! What is a girl to do?
This site is great, I am getting Married July 14 2012 and my fiance and I have never had sex. We’ve been together from 2005, it gets hard sometimes but we are christians and believe in abstaining. I am going to link this site to my friends who find it hard to wait.
Hi Mike, not sure if you have even came across this question but was wondering if a person that was holding off until marriage to have sex was raped, still get those benefits and the wonderful experience God has in store for them?
@Anonymous – I can’t speak for God, but to me, it is the act of waiting and the personality type that is drawn to the idea of waiting that produces the above benefits, not necessarily technical virginity.
Given your nightmare-case example: If a person was waiting till marriage, then was raped, then continued waiting all the way until marriage to have sex, I would consider them as having stronger willpower and character than most normal waiters-till-marriage (because the typical response is to either go the other direction, or shut down completely). Consequently I would expect to find in such a person all of the above positive traits in very high doses.
The benefits of waiting till marriage are split between single life benefits and married life benefits. From what I can tell, many of the benefits of waiting as experienced in the marriage are accessible to anybody who waited in that final relationship (not necessarily in all others before it). For single life, many of the benefits come with time spent waiting. If a person waits from ages 15-24, they’re going to get many of the same benefits as somebody who waits from ages 0-24.
I’m kind of talking in circles at this point. Short version: Yes, I think they would get those benefits and (the opportunity for) the wonderful marital experience that many successful waiters report. And I wouldn’t consider a rape victim any less of a waiter; on fact I’d probably consider them a super waiter.
I will submit it, to my future husband one day! To keep my “piece.” that owns me in my whole life. Thanks be to God, Amen!
This really hit home to where I am now. I’m 17 years old and have been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both virgins and have talked about having sex but never have done it. He tells me that he loves me and always will and that he will wait for me as long as I need. I’m in a pickle because all my friends have had sex and I’m the oldest of my best friends. I feel like I’m missing out on something but then I feel like I wanna wait, not only because that’s what I’ve grown up hearing in church as well as at home but because of exactly what you said about the wedding and stuff. It sounds so special and wonderful and unique and I want that. It’s hard when I know my parents didn’t wait and my sister didn’t either. I kind of feel alone. My parents are the type that stray from talking about sex and think of me as their baby who shouldnt know anything about it. So its hard to talk to them. I just wish I had someone to look up to who I could talk to who did wait and see if they went through what my boyfriend and I have. It’s quite hard being in high school and hearing everyone talk about sex and who they’ve slept with but I feel good when I can say that I’m 17 and i haven’t had sex that I haven’t given in. So this article really helped me to see what I wanna do. I plan on sharing it with my boyfriend and seeing what he thinks. I feel like he just needs some guy advice on this subject cause I feel like waiting is harder on a guy than a girl haha.
Thanks for the article. I really appreciate it!!
I am 15, and I have decided that I want to wait, but for only the reason that I wanted my wedding night to be special. After reading this, I have 10 more AMAZING reasons to do this for myself. I was starting to doubt my reasoning, but I have no doubts anymore. Thank you for this!!
i am married and i give my “quote” to my only husband.
Hi,
Thanks for your article. I always wanted to wait until marriage to be sexually intimate. My fiance and I are waiting since four years. I ‘imposed’ it in some way. He agreed to wait, but since he aleady had sex before, he finds it more difficult. In fact it is becoming really hard for both of us. We are getting married in less than a year. Could you please give me some tips about how we can resist till marriage??
@Melany – I don’t usually try to convince people to wait (it’s such an individual decision), but since you asked for some help convincing yourself, I’ll give it a shot. This is the best argument I can give you for continuing to wait all the way until the wedding…
Do you want your marriage to start with a bang, or a whimper?
I’ll explain. When you decide to have sex, you introduce this wonderful higher level of physical intimacy into your relationship. It will mark a positive transition in your relationship in a way that few changes can. The questions is: On the timeline of your relationship, where do you want to place that accelerating transition?
If you wait until after the wedding to have sex, you start your marriage off with huge party, a fun trip, and a whole new level of intimacy. This is a three-pronged positive association. Married life will feel different than your life before. It will feel better, more fun, more intimate. And that’s a great way to start your marriage off with a bang.
This clear, deeply-felt transition between “single” and “married” will carry through your entire marriage. It will give the concept of marriage a higher positive value in your minds. This positive association, together with the effort it takes to achieve it (i.e., putting off sex), is the reason (I suspect) that statistics show an increase in marital happiness on all levels for those who put off sex until the wedding.
If you go ahead with it now, then the ceremony is mostly a formality. Afterwards, you go back to the same relationship you had before. Basically, your marriage starts with an anti-climatic whimper. You get the huge party, you get the fun trip, but then it’s over. And then you get to spend the first year or so thinking “I just thought things would feel little different once we got married…but everything feels the same.”
When you wait all the way until marriage to have sex, your relationship will feel different — better — once you get married, and that’s a very powerful thing.
If waiting is something that you want to do, and it’s just your fiance that’s making you second-guess it, then that’s all the more reason why you should. This can be your first worthwhile challenge as a couple, especially for him. I’ve known lots of non-waiter guys who married waiter girls. It can work out very well. It will mean a lot to you if he waits with you, and in the end it will mean a lot to him too.
Waiting until marraige is definitly the best option. It makes you have a deeper relaitonship with everybody you meet,because you are not selfishly thinking about fulfilling your desires all the time. and to the girls who dont think there is attractive manly man waiting until there married are wrong. Im 6 foot 1 and told I should be a model all the time, I work out and at my strongest was benching 300 pounds and I am waiting until marraige. Waiting until marraige is definitly the manliest thing. and teenager can find sum slut to get down with. all the girls Ive told my decision to find it extremely attractive. The main thing is to pray, and God will help you and lead you to the right person. Good luck and God bless to all the people who are waiting out there
How does one reclaim their virginity? I’ve made some bad choices recently which I regret so much. I always told myself I would wait until I was married but somehow I still ended up failing. What should I do?
Hey i really loved your post a lot! I have officially decided to wait till marriage about a month ago. I been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now we been dating since highschool im 19 & he’s 20 but yeah we are young and started sex young too but he was my first and i was his first girlfriend and first everything
I get joked on a lot now because i wanted to wait till im married before i can have sex again and honestly i dont regret my decision. But sometimes i feel like maybe its kind of a stupid decision if i already had sex before but i feel like mostly i want to do this because i was a victim of rape for almost 8 years so basically i never had a childhood and and i wanted to wait till marriage because i feel like it gives me a longer chance to experience life without sex or stuff involved because as i said sex has been something in my life thats been there the longest sadly and i feel like maybe it would be domething special and very meaningful to experience a better understanding of sex in a whole new way.
What fo you guys think? Is this a good reason to wait till marriage and have my boyfriend wait till marriage now or am i making a poorly decision?
A beautiful case made for love, beauty, truth and courage. It is very encouraging to see so many comments. I am a joyously married man (for over 20 years) who wishes he had waited. No one explained to me why I should wait. I thought that a man was supposed to have sex if the opportunity presented. If I had seen this I very well might have waited for the love of my life. It is not a tragedy, just a sadness a grief that I would spare my own sons from. Thanks for this I will share it.
I waited till I was married to have sex. My wedding night was badd. It was a painful bloody mess. On my honeymoon I thought it would get better but it didn’t. My husband was not a virgin but I was. Now I’ve been married for eight years and I have yet to have a sexual fulfillment. Yes waiting does have its advantage like unwanted pregnancy and sickness but I guess sexual pleasure was never promised. I only have sex for my husband sake. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t treat me bad, but my sex life sucks I tried to talk to him about it. He feels sorry for me in a way. He’s tried different things to help but it doesn’t work(not getting into detail ). I’ve even prayed about it, but after almost nine years your like whatever. We both grew up in religious household, don’t get me wrong there was always temptations but like a good girl I didn’t give in, because I just knew waiting was worth it. Don’t get me wrong I do have a I guess healthy sexual libido, but lets just say I usually take care of myself in the end. ( not getting into detail). I get jealous when I hear other women talk about how great sex is weather single or married. Oh and by the way we have no chilldren so can’t blame it on time. But I do work full time. Its very frustrating and depressing, because you fight to do the right things in life thinking I the end it’s worth it but I guess nothing is ever promised even a happy sex life.
Yes, TSA. I’ve always wantd to remain a virgin until I get married, but I am seriously rethinking… And then, when you’re in your mid-twenties, you just too scared. I started to feel really concerned about this sexual fulfillment stuff! I don’t want to lose my virginity to anyone who will think he’s doing me a favour, like “poor little girl, I’m going to teach her a little bit and then dump her to have better sex”… Seriously, the past few months have changed my mind completely! I used to think guys would think this is something special and that a virgin is a unique woman who wouldn’t let any jerk get into her pants, but it scared men more than anything! They just end up thinking you’re too fragile and naïve… Either this or they’ll try to be the first and then tell everybody about it as if he were a warrior or something! You know what, this is all very beautiful when you pretend you’re in a fairy tale, but the thing is: reality is different! Turns out I kinda envy the girls who did it when they were 18 or 19 and now they have nice sexual lives and are about to get married… Me, I just feel even though I’m an adult, I can’t say I’m a woman yet. And that really freaks me out! Just got afraid of not getting a husband at all.
These were really helpful points! I’ve always felt like I’ve wanted to wait ’til marriage before having sex, but many of my friends don’t like that idea. However, reading this has made me realise that I’m actually the smart one, I’ll enjoy my wedding night a lot more and won’t catch any nasty diseases! And when I do get pregnant, it will be a good thing, not a bad thing. I may be just 15, but I am willing to wait. ‘Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet.’
Its nice to hear all these stories about people waiting and then finding your true love but what if it doesn’t happen to you? What if you wait all this time and you never get married or have children . I thought god loved us and wanted to be happy so why is he punishing us , those that waited. Out of all my friends I’m the oldest virgin (19) I feel like I’ve done everything right in life but yet I’m the one unhappy out of all of my friends . I am a normal person, I have normal interests and look normal so why does it feel like
Virginity is such a curse.
I get you, Kelly. I’ve been thinking about this lately: I’ve always been a mature girl, I’ve always wanted to be in a serious relationship, get married, have kids and all that stuff… But many girls that have always been complete whores are now getting married and having kids! I mean, what’s the point? You spend your whole life thinking that being a virgin will get you better men and they will respect you more, but I’ve been feeling a little worried about it. Like you said, I’ve done everything right in life but yet I’m the one unhappy. Not that I’m unhappy all the time, but I’ve been really concerned about this! Maybe I shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it… Because now I’m the only virgin I know and it’s much more difficult losing your virginity when you’re going through this by yourself… After all the buzz of the teenage years. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it’s getting hard to meet a nice guy with whom I feel comfortable enough to talk about it.
I have been in a relationship for five years. I’m 46 with three kids from my first marriage. After my divorce I fell in love and sex became part of the relationship. My boyfriend began to develop a stronger relationship with Christ and feels this is because of my faith. Still, I felt so very, very distant from God because of my sin. I have recently told my boyfriend that God is calling me to stop having sex and I now feel so incredibly free and close to my Savior. I so missed this freedom. Although he is disappointed and feels rejected, he does understand and respects my decision. I am excited to see what God has in store for us!
Hi, I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I am religious but I am not waiting until marriage for that sole reason. So many of my friends have been in and out of relationships. I have felt jealous a lot of times because they got the attention that I was missing. I have dated different men and have been set in my decision to wait only to have them leave me. It’s people like you that give me hope. Thanks again:)
Hello Mike,
I was in a relationship through almost all of high school and my first year and a half of college and eventually sinned with this person. I have struggled with self-confidence my whole life and I did a lot of bad things I knew were bad because of a desire to fit in with my peers. I drank in high school, smoked marijuana, and had sex before marriage all because I was afraid to be made fun of and lose friends; I didn’t have the confidence to stick by what I knew was right and reassure myself that I didn’t need those losers.
Two years ago, I met my current girlfriend. She comes from a Catholic family with very strong family and religious values and is waiting for marriage. When I first met her, I was a terrible person: I was addicted to pornography, was mean to people to try and be funny, and was incredibly cynical. I hurt her a lot with my antics and her anger was a driving force behind my changing. She helped me admit my problems – instead of hiding from them – and work to be a better person for which I’m grateful to her.
At this point in my life, I view my entire high school and college life as one giant mistake. Some might say it’s a harsh view, but I won’t settle for that. I like being a good person and having good values now and like to think that I started my life over.
Sorry to ramble, but I felt the need to write this and give a back story. In your article, you talk about being able to teach your kids this lesson of how important it is to wait. My future children asking the questions “is that what you did?” or “what did you do?” are something I’m finding very hard to answer in my head. My girlfriend is also worried about this and it has become a very big sticking point in our relationship; how can I preach waiting when I didn’t? It’s a very concerning issue to me and just makes me regret my past even more.
Do you have any thoughts on what I could say in the future? And what I can tell my girlfriend now? She’s the most important thing in my life. I believe I have truly changed and I’m intent on waiting until marriage.
Thank you for your time.
I’ve decided to wait until marriage and can nly hope I find a girl who has done the same. I know I am only 24, but it feels like time is running out. The thought has crossed my mind a lot: “What if I die a virgin, will it be worth it”. Some days I think it is.
Hi Mike,
I just found your articles, and they’re great.
I am a 20-year-old waiter, and I have recently gone through a very emotional trip because of my boyfriend’s promiscuous history with both paid and casual sex. The fact that he is my first boyfriend probably dramatized the whole experience, and I have been at a loss for what to do. I know he loves me very much and has changed a lot since he has met me. Besides his past, he is such a wonderful person—but I am having trouble overlooking it. I have been hurt and disillusioned by the experience and have lost sight of why I was waiting in the first place (number 6 really resonates with me). Honestly, it’s been a pretty downhill ride, so this article was wonderfully encouraging for me.
Thank you.
Hi Mike. I really appreciate your site.
I am waiting til marriage. I was raised in a very conservative home and didn’t have a boyfriend til I was 21.
My first boyfriend was from Europe, and come to America to work. He had slept with many women, but we connected very quickly and decided to date. As he was in the states for a limited period of time and I would soon be going out of state for college, we didn’t think we would date long.
For two months we saw each other every day. We became very close; in every way we were compatible. He was the first boy I kissed, but he never pushed me further. After I went to school we talked each night for a month. As time went on he stopped calling.
I graduated from school a year after we dated. When I got home he told me he decided to date another girl because I would not have sex with him. She worked with him and had flirted with him when we were together. He has stayed in the States to be with her.
I have been truly heartbroken for several months. I loved this boy more than anyone I have ever met, and I feel like I lost the relationship because of my standards. Do you have any advice? Did I do the right thing? I don’t think I could ever love any one else, ever.
I turned 24 this weekend, and my girlfriend came up to spend the weekend with me. It’s always hard to abstain from sex, but we are waiting. Like some others who’ve posted on here, I wonder some days if it’s worth waiting all this time especially since everywhere you look people make light about having sex. TV shows like Friends, How I Met Your Mother and many more aren’t considered bad shows by any means, but they do make light of it.
I’ve had several opportunities since I was in high school, but I’ve always said that I’ve wanted to wait and I have. Although I’ve done almost everything BUT having sex, I still feel like I’m holding on to something special to share with my bride. And let me tell you, finding a woman who’s waited too and wants to wait…it makes everything amazing! I’ll probably have ~2 more years till I propose (which is a long time), but that wedding night will be nothing short of amazing and wonderful…I’m looking forward to it.
Also, I read a post about writing a letter and putting some coins in a jar…it sounds pretty neat. Wish I would have done that.
Hello,
I’m 27, have decided to wait, and the decision is so f***ing difficult. Perhaps more difficult compared with what I did to get into an Ivy league school.
Up until recently, I have been wavering a bit. Still, it is articles like this which really picks me up, notably the points of retaining that innocence until marriage life, upholding values and most importantly telling your kid wonderful stories of how you fought through temptation, ran away from a girl who wanted to have sex with you (true story) and pull through with the gem of a girl.
Yes, all the other “what’s if’s” have bothered me. What if I didn’t get to have sex with multiple girls. What if sex after marriage isn’t what it is hyped up to be. Nonetheless, much like how everyone says waiting is a personal decision, I think this is the better decision for who I am, all the events and history that formed Donny.
It is true that neither the waiter nor the non-waiter will know what the other feels like. Losing your virginity is irreversible. Putting it all together, do I appreciate who I am? Yes. Is waiting hard? Yes. But am I good being in the virgin camp? Yes.
Just hope to migrate over to the other camp once I’m less than 30. Have to look for love now in the right places.
P.S.: I didn’t thought about this at first. But hopefully, if this site remains alive, this is written proof for my future wife to know what I went through.
Hi mike,I rily liked ur piece,I am in a dilemma abt dis issue 2,I hv never had sex in my life,and I am 25,I am in a relationship with a great man,and he is very special 2 me.in as much as I desire 2 kip myself till my wedding day and all,I still want to share it with my boyfriend and I am afraid and confused abt it.
A
Hey Mike, I really enjoyed reading this. It is great to be reminded and introduced to new aspects as to why
keeping my virginity til marriage is such an amazing thing. I was wondering, what would you recommend doing
when my kids (I do not have or will be having any time soon) ask about this topic but my wife did not wait, until
she met me?
Hii,
I’m a 25 years old virgin. I always dream about this day but unfortunately I still have not met the right person. I worry I never see this day
Oh, and I just forgot to say- I agree completely with Hanneli that “many girls that have always been complete whores are now getting married and having kids!”. The virgin is UNwanted today! All the men want experienced women and this makes me feel disappointed.
Hi Mike,
Your article offers so much affirmative statements to women like me who believe in the power of waiting. I thank God for bringing me to this site.
personally, i think relating adults to children wanting a toy on a shelf is rather demeaning and not a very good analogy. if we are going to use the toy analogy honestly, a child would eventually become preoccupied with a “toy” they can reach. I’ve seen children forget it about their object of desire and just find something new.
I also point out i have a cousin who was a teen dad. He said in retrospect he would make the decision again. He stated if he had abstained he wouldn’t have had his son he is so proud of and marry the girl. His son is anything he ever regreeted
beside my sister dated her boyfriend for 9 years now her husband and and my bros their wives 7 and 8 years. I doubt completely they waited . I also point out they had happy fulfilling marriages even when having premaritl sex with their spouses.
I’m a curious case. I didn’t wait for marriage. I just got it out of the way and didn’t regret it, and the man I slept with didn’t mean anything to me. I had a few other partners after that, and never felt any emotional connection to any of them. I also knew several people who did wait, and I thought they were all a bit sad. I thought they just didn’t know how to find a man.
Well, then I met my husband, and surprise surprise, he told me he was a virgin. Part of that had probably been due to a lack of time, extreme shyness, and some religious qualms. Anyway, it really took me quite a while to accept the no-sex arrangement without resentment. Sometimes, in the beginning of our relationship, I considered breaking up with him. I thought maybe there was something wrong with him. But after many many months, I accepted it. In the end, I loved him because he was a good man. Now, granted we fooled around so heavily that I had an almost complete picture of his sex drive and what he was like in bed. But we didn’t actually do the deed until marriage. And in the end I was glad we’d waited. It made it special, somehow, to have those important moments take place in the early part of our marriage. And I think, in spite of my past, that I am more of a traditionalist at heart. I think the reason I never felt anything for those other men was that I needed the whole package before I could really let myself go.
I don’t think it was necessary for us to wait, but I think it worked out for the best. I will admit that there are some benefits to waiting. But I still don’t think that waiting is ultimately what makes a marriage work or not.
Hi,
I’m 25 and have been sexually active since I was 20. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, some serious and some just casual. My last relationship that ended just early this week made me realize that I need to wait, not necessarily till am married but until am sure its the right time and the right person.
Its the worst feeling in the world to give out 110% of yourself and get nothing for it!
So, am doing this for myself… Cuz I’ll be damned if i find myself as heartbroken and confused as I am now.
I’ve been very sexually active in the past, but am done. Am done!
when i searched “wait till marriage” i had no idea that i would find an article that would almost bring me to tears. i think i was expecting more of a statistical view on the benefits, but i found a fully emotionally connected response instead! which i am sincerely grateful for!
ive always know i wanted to wait for marriage and ive always known the reasons for my decision, but seeing that there are people who can completely relate to the same feelings is very encouraging.
loved the article (obviously)! wonderfully written! thank you.
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My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to no back up.
Do you have any solutions to prevent hackers?
My web-site … termites and ants
Hi mike! Me and my partner are being together now for almost 2 years. We are ofcourse still waiting until our wedding day before have sex. However, we are actually doing things to satisfy each other but this is without the penetration part ( sorry for the words ). I know its still not fine because it only tempts us to have sex. How can I help myself still stick on my stand regarding this? I am really praying hard to Him to help me strengthen ny values and beliefs but what can I do more to avoid it.
I really appreciate this page. Lately, I have been thinking about whether waiting is the right thing for me. But after reading this article and all of the responses, I understand what waiting really means and why it is the right decision. Sex is often viewed as a casual and unemotional act because it is primarily portrayed as a means of gratification. But sex is more than that. It is the way that we say “I love you” with our bodies and it is a complete surrender of self to another. Does the Bible not say that a man shall cleave to his wife (only)?
I want to give myself fully to only one person, my future husband. Best of luck to all of the other waiters out there! It will be worth it in the end!
god damn. I mean you don’t need to wait till marriage just to have sex. Doing it before is better for your health of course if the one you’re doing with doesn’t have any kind of disease. It’s proven that it is good for your health google it or go ask a doctor. But if you want to wait till marriage go for it…you might regret the waiting.
I lost my virginity at 18, I am now 22 and I have been waiting until marriage. 4 years and going!
I do date around but I have never been physical with a guy and it feels great because they respect you more. Now, I can’t wait until I get married and fully enjoy my husband!
I didn’t wait. My mom and dad are in a happy relationship and they didn’t wait. My dad is an evolutionary scientist and my mom is a stay and home mom. My friends parents who are very relijous who come from Iran waited, and they sleep in different bedrooms and are “only in it for the kids.” IDK where you get your statistics from but i’m sure it’s biased. 95 percent of Americans DID NOT WAIT. Stop spreading this crap like waiting is taboo, there are much more of us then you and we will not allow you to force your moral values on the rest of the country. This is a free country and I will do as i please, until the day I die.
I’ll respect your right to wait when you stop trying to force your morals and beliefs down the throat of America. 95 percent of americans did not wait like i said, you will never be able to land that one in americas stomach so stop trying.
@John – Actually, you’re more right than you realize. 95% is too low. More accurately, 97% of Americans don’t wait. This site was created for the remaining 3% of us who choose to wait because we’re weird idealists and it makes us happy. I’m not really concerned about converting the other 97%. I know that every other site like this ever IS concerned with conversion, but this one isn’t.
I’ll respect your right to post troll comments when you actually do more than skim one article and assume you know what the site is about.
Thank you for writing this mike. When I was 12 years old I took a stand and went through a true love waits course. I didn’t understand the concept of the commitment at the time and I failed to wait. I live with the everyday regret but it has molded me into the person I am today. I am now happily married and have 2 beautiful children. I decided to take on a class for the youth in my church group. I am teaching them about sexual abstinence and praying that they will take this commitment and stick to it. I really loved your reasons on why they should wait and it gave me some ideas to teach to them. Thanks a bunch!!!
I decided a few years ago that I was going to wait until marriage. I have so many plans for my life & I don’t want an accidental pregnancy or a STD to ruin them. My boyfriend & I have been dating for a few months. He knows I’m waiting until marriage & I know that he has had sex before. I cave in on many things but this is one thing I won’t cave in on & he doesn’t seem to understand. He’s trying to convince me that sex isn’t a big deal & that “one time won’t hurt”. It kind of hurts knowing he won’t accept the fact that I’m waiting & keeps pressuring me. I really like him & I don’t want this to be the reason we break up. That’s happened to me too many times already. What should I do?
This has really inspired me before I thought I was waiting for no reason just because it felt right. But now I have real reasons and good ones too.
Thanks so much dude.
Mike,
I can’t even begin to explain how great I think this is. I am one of the 3% (and honestly I didn’t even think there were that many of us). I am extremely committed to waiting until I am married, but I have been so discouraged lately. I actually have this page bookmarked because every time I do I just come back and read the whole thing over and over to feel better that there is someone else who agrees with me. So thank you very much, and I think you are brilliant. Anyway, I am 20 years old and every day I find out about more and more of my friends who are having sex. I had one “friend” who told me I needed to get a boyfriend so I could start having sex. I then went on to explain to her that I am waiting until after I am married to deal with that stuff. (Also, I’m not going to get a boyfriend to just have a boyfriend. I’m picky. But that’s another story.) Anyway, so she told me that I need to get married then because it’s TOOOTTALLYY worth it. Obviously I thought she sounded TOTALLY ridiculous, and I was amazed at how unsupportive she was, so I changed the subject. Another example is this guy that I knew in high school. He was the leader of First Priority, always had his Bible in his backpack, never missed church, wore a purity ring, etc etc (you get where I’m going with this). Well someone told me that he is having sex with his girlfriend now. He said that “they were engaged but without the ring.” Riggght(insert eye roll). I seriously feel like I’m the only virgin left around here. I could go on forever and ever about things I’ve heard that have made me feel so discouraged. I guess it’s just more of a hopeless feeling. I am sure you have felt these exact same things before so I was just wondering if you had any advice. Thank you, and sorry that this was so long.
WOW! This helps me alot because I am 20 years now and I havnt’ experienced sexual intercourse. I was so worried about the issue but with this advice feel better.
I loved your comment to Haylee on:
September 23, 2011 at 12:16 am
I was a waiter and I never regret my choice. My husband and I were married nearly nine years ago (2 kids later and our relationship keeps growing stronger every year). You described me to a T in describing waiters… I am not a runner (and I think you’re friend is a little crazy) but I understand her determination. I remember thinking as a young teen how romantic it would be to have my first kiss on my wedding day (I know I’m so weird… I eventually changed my mind on that one). But I did save my first kiss for my now husband. I had opportunities to kiss other guys but I knew that it would over-complicate the relationship for me and I knew I was not ready for that. I am kind of an all or nothing person on somethings and I knew that I was not ready to have to control those emotions and I’ve always felt that I wanted to save myself for the man I would be with forever. I have a lot of self-control and my end goal is always more important to me than momentary pleasure.
I preferred to find a man who saved himself for me (I never ruled out marrying a non-waiter because I know people can change and you shouldn’t hold someone’s past against them). My husband and I are members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I new him since junior high but we were friends of convenience in a class or two but it wasn’t love at first sight. We went on a couple dates in high school and he went off to work a summer with the forest service right after high school. He was saving money to go on a mission for our church.
That fall he drove to see me constantly up at college we had so much fun and he took me on so many adventures (hiking, caving, fishing) I took him to theater, dances, and made him fabulous meals. I loved every minute I spent w/ him. I knew he was leaving for his mission soon and that I didn’t want to make anything serious of our relationship, I still dated other guys here and there. I knew that if we were meant to be I’d still be available when he got back, and I needed some space for a few years to focus on my studies.
While he was gone I dated lots of other guys but I always compared them to the life I could imagine living with my now husband. We wrote and got to know each other on a deeper level w/out physical distractions. None of the other guys I dated made me lose sleep or pulled me away from my studies as he did.
When he got back we even waited a while to kiss (because he had surgery to repair an issue he’d had with his nose for years). After that it was crazy. I knew he wanted me so bad. I used to limit the number of kisses we could have in a night, because I didn’t want things to get too hot(I knew he wanted to wait too but I didn’t want to put ourselves in an over-compromising situation). I thought we’d date awhile and have maybe a long engagement, maybe I’d finish college first.
Nope, a month after our 1st kiss we were engaged and 2 months later married. I still finished my schooling, taught school to support him through his degree. I know he was a much better student because he had me to support and encourage him. After he graduated we had our first child. He’s been very successful working in his field and I’m able to stay home and raise our children. We have a wonderful life together and I wouldn’t change it for anything.
Sorry about the novel… Love your site and I love what you’re promoting and supporting.
BECCA
It is a subject with no middle ground
Your article is filled with false and misleading information, regarding divorce rates
I’m a guy and over the years going through school girls had brought up sex conversations or flat out asked if i would try it with then, which i had turned down,
I grew up in the church where sexEd was discouraged for Christians
I wanted to wait for the right true love, expected to wait till marriage to be a Christian but not totally committed to it
Then in college one girl was very into me, and would pull of her clothes and mine even though i would say”wait” and i need to talk about stuff first
She would just pull stuff off any way
I fell for her excuses and she ended up pregnant
Our pastors told us “you have to get married” and “as Christians when are you going to do the right thing when are you going to get married?”
It felt wrong to get married, but i wanted to be a Christian and not spend eternity burning in hell. So we did
I spent much of the first 5 years of or marriage totally regretting waiting, if i had agreed to sex earlier and made an effort to learn about birth control i knew i couldn’t have ended up suck with my wife
After a suicide attempt to get out of my marriage failed
I got professional help to get out and am now divorced paying child support
I think the church needs to stop making everything about sex, and the church should teach about love and about respectful relationship, and about life long commitments,
And birth control isn’t just about lust, once married it is used in many marriages as part of responsibility
Thanks
Gotta love a good comedy skit…
Its so focused on waiting-till-marriage that it forgets other factors of life.
mike sir i applaud this, i literally after reading began clappin my hands, it gives me soooo much tooo look forward too.
Reading this helped a lot, thanks soo much:)
My boyfriend is 34 and still a virgin. We are waiting for marriage and enjoying a really great relationship right now without sex. It is very romantic and affectionate and we are learning how to be spiritually and emotionally intimate with each before we get physically intimate. I think waiting for marriage is a great idea.
Agape love from the bible is unconditional. If someone doesn’t want to wait with you until marriage, this is not love. Don’t settle! Hold out for true love.
For those who are not waiting, please use condoms to stop the spread of Sexually transmitted diseases..Even oral sex can spread herpes! They have condoms for this also.
[...] http://waitingtillmarriage.org/the-top-10-awesome-benefits-of-waiting-until-marriage/ [...]
This is very inspiring. I am stronger than I was.
I will never marry, marriage ends in utter misery and heart break. If a women I don’t get a women into bed after 3 dates I tend to move on until the next one.
Good luck with that. All I can say is, I’ve seen church pews lined with sad fat girls who still live with their parents, waiting waiting waiting for that marvelous, magical MAN to show up. And if you dummies think your wedding night is going to be, for the first time, a night of fireworks and sparklers and cannons going off, you are going to be sorely (literally) disappointed. It will be gross, painful, and is-that-all-there-is. I suppose you have decades ahead to work on it, good luck. Oh, and if you are a good Catholic and rely on the poke-and-pray birth control method and find yourself knocked up on the honeymoon, please be aware that you are not the girl he thought he was marrying. You won’t have time, between the morning sickness and expanding abdomen, to work on the fireworks, and afterwards you two are going to be exhausted parents. You will have waited for The Magic of the Wedding Night in vain.
@anonymous: Sorry, but I had to reply to your wonderfully condescending little comment…
“Sad fat girls”? What are you, sizeist? Do you really think everyone who waits till marriage only does so because they’re fat and can’t get a boyfriend?
Actually, we’re not “dummies”. We know that the wedding night is not going to feel good. We know it’ll hurt. We’re not under any illusions here. But it’ll still be perfect, because it’ll be with the one we love. On that count, it will be fireworks.
Also, “poke-and-pray”? Look, if you’re going to insult us, at least do your research first. Have you never heard of Natural Family Planning? You know, the 99.5% effective method of birth control completely endorsed by the Catholic Church?
Look, this site obviously isn’t for you. You think that a wedding night won’t be special because it won’t feel good. Clearly to you, pleasure is the most important aspect of sex, and if that’s missing, it’s terrible. Never mind the whole two becoming one flesh, communion of persons, giving-everything-to-the-one-you-love thing. That’s not what counts in your mind.
Waiting till marriage is not your thing. That’s fine by us. We’re not interested in converting you. How about we do our thing, and you do yours, and we agree to disagree?
xxx
well I am 21 and I am a virgin not for any of the reasons stated. Except for one, the first one to be precise. For the first one to me is of such great importance that it over shadows all others and in a way it upholds all after it until the fifth. As a person and others like me, who puts it before all else. Marriage and children is probably the worst thing that you can put a person you truly love through. Especially in a world where many views, culture and religion collide and where greed prevails. A person who holds onto the first one with such high hopes will ultimately place his or her life in danger and when bound by marriage or a familial bond this danger would be passed upon them. What I am getting at is that people who have reasons not to get married, might treat sex as just a mere form of stress reliever. Instead of a means to procreate. So I ask you then should I wait ?
Is this some kinda joke?
I’ve been dating this guy for some time now and it has been hard with fighting and I chose to refrain from sex until I am married. Often he gets mad and leaves, tells me he could be with other people, and I was tired of feeling like i was giving my all to someone that would drop me if he couldnt get sex when he wanted it. This decision I feel great about but I just keep getting negative comments and him saying I don’t love him and that something else is going on, other than my love for god and my maturity in this situation. Thank you for writing this article; it has uplifted my spirits and I am devoted to standing by my decision even more. Needless to say, I my relationship is over and it is hard because I know it stems from my decision.
Ive been dating this guy for a month now, and before we started dating I told him I wanted to remain virgin until marriage. He promised me he would resist because he really likes me. However, the past two are three weeks have been tough because he’s been really depressed over family and financial issues and he’s making me feel like the only thing I could do to really cheer him up is have sex. I reminded him of his promise, but I’m scared that this will come up again. I really don’t want to break up with him but he’s making this difficult. Am I overreacting?
I am waiting until marriage to have sex like many of you here. I really don’t like any of these little examples of why waiting is so fantastic. I don’t agree with any of the above. Waiting until marriage to have sex is not going to save your relationship or your soul if you’re already a bad person. It’s like, so what?
I realy enjoy ds site!I am blissfuly married 2 d love of my life who waited 4 me in 5 yrs courtship nd gv hs virginity 2 me on our wedin night.Granted d 1st experience ws awkward bt it was exhiliratin being done on a marriage bed not in a secret room wt heart palpating wt fear,guilt and insecurities.There is no single excuse on earth strong enough to justify sex b4 marriage,I ws nt a virgin wen I married but I wish I did.Notin in d world compares wt d feeing of bein brand new, untouchd&unused…
I terribly regret how I threw away my virginity at the pressure of all my friends were doing it and I wanted to be more experienced, hence desirable to all the dirty teenage guys. It was really lame sex, even though I never had it before I knew that was not what it was supposed to be like. He wasn’t that attractive, and there was little enjoyment if any in it. I was 14 then, I am 4 months shy of 17 years now and I am deciding to wait until marriage. With divorce rates so high and our social morals deteriorating, it seems like suicide to get married these days. I have this chip on my shoulder, however. . . I sometimes imagine a pure, true and everlasting love with an honorable man. It IS possible, and I CAN do it. . . the first step is waiting and blowing off all these little scumbags who think they can get a piece of me. Some people will think I am crazy, but I know they are in the wrong.
The whole reason I am doing this is for myself and my true love- but I may never have decided to if it weren’t for my father. He had a terrible divorce with my promiscuous and cohabitating mother, and he did not wait until marriage. He did not tell me to do this, I just know I love him more than anyone in the world and he changed my life. Another man could, too. :_)
Mike I really enjoyed this article!! I can relate to alot of the reasons you’ve listed above
I just turned 27 this month, so that makes me a 27 yr. old virgin. I have passed this article on to fellow virgins! I strongly believe virgins uniting, because the wait does indeed get hard. Alot of times virgins feel as they are alone in their journey. Your site is great encouragement/reminder and I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. It really is a blessing!
Superman, Cyclops, Neo Anderson, and King Arthur all had sex before marriage, dumb@$$.
Ha! Snap Adams right! Not to mention king Arthur was a pervert who banged his sister.
http://blog.match.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/superman-and-wonder-woman-kiss-21.jpeg
@Snapadam: He’s not implying that these characters waited till marriage. He’s simply saying that all of these characters have admirable attributes (bravery, strength, chivalry, etc.) which he believes waiting till marriage helps you to gain. No need to insult him. Rudeness like that is not at all attractive.
xxx
Hello! This is probably my third time reading this! I just keep coming back! I agree! although I’ve done many things in the past. I never did go all the way with my High school sweetheart who is now my fiance. Right now we are abstaining from anything sexual at times it can be hard but I want our marriage to be blessed and prosperous. Build strong on God’s principles to last long. We are waiting, and it feels great! We love each other deeply as we’ve been together for 6 years now. I’m growing closer and closer to him. I know that we are making the right decision and that feels relly gud! Marriage is so beautiful and so sacred that two souls become one.
Incredible article !!! Great to see someone on the same page. I have to share this with everyone I know lol.
i’m trying to put myself on the spot light.But waiting is Good .nt trying to be rude or anything bt i think tht girls and guyz who dnt wait are bitchs!!!
I just turned 22 years old and my boyfriend is 28.Im still a virgin and I’ve recently been thinking about losing it to him. I feel like he’ll be my first love. He is so wonderful. However, I’ve been struggling on whether I should do it with him. What if I look at myself differently or what if I never leave him because I gave him something so special? After reading this, I’ve decided that I should stick to my original decision and wait.
This is so very helpful………..thanks a lot Mike
I applaud this article, especially its emphasis on creating a deeper bond between spouses through waiting. However, I wish it would have gone a little farther. My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years. We are continuing to wait to have sex until we are certain we want to start a family. We are spreading the word to others as well in hopes of getting others to *really* wait.
Many people ask, “What’s the point? You’re already married!” I look to every point listed here as well as another very important one: by waiting until after marriage, spouses get to live their daily lives together and get to know one another more deeply and fully before they begin the most intimate connection – starting a family.
We as committed Christians need to set firm examples for all. Waiting until the moment is truly right for children (what was sex intended for, anyway?) is the most responsible and loving example we can provide.
My husband and I have become incredibly close over the past 2.5 years from sleeping besides one another, working, and living together. We feel that in the next couple of years, we’ll feel ready to commit to being parents and know one another in the most special way possible. We hope others will follow our example and *truly* wait. It is worth it.