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The Top 5 Arguments Against Waiting Till Marriage

April 10th, 2010 by

Unless you only hang out with “church people” for your entire life, you are going to end up discussing your decision to wait until marriage with somebody who is not waiting till marriage. It will become a familiar situation: Some friend/acquaintance, biased by their own decisions, will try to poke holes in your decision to wait, and you’ll either hear them out, smile and nod, then dismiss the conversation, or you’ll decide to engage them and argue your case.

The best of these people will argue as your friend, because in their own way they’re genuinely trying look out for you and they feel that they have legitimate, intellectually-sound objections to waiting till marriage that directly impact your future happiness. The worst of these people are just trying to corrode your virtue because they hate you for it; they despise what they don’t have in themselves and want to destroy it so you’ll be like them and they’ll feel less convicted (misery loves company).

Sometimes people will throw arguments at you that you hadn’t considered before, and other times it’ll be the same ol’ shill. Here are a few that I’ve heard over and over.

1. What if you’re not sexually compatible with the person you marry?

Alternate form of this argument: You wouldn’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive!

Sexual Attitude = Frequency + Enthusiasm + Kinkiness. The objection here is that you will marry somebody who differs from you on one of those three factors. I’ve once had this objection put to me this way: “What if you discover that you like it hot and heavy and you marry somebody who likes it quiet, lights off, missionary-only? You’ll be locked-in to the relationship and totally unfulfilled!”

This is a very valid objection on the surface. In many ways, attitude towards sex (waiting or not) can be a quality like “sense of humor”: everybody is slightly different and a mismatch can really eat away at a relationship if not addressed, just like those non-waiting people told you that it can. You may think that you can “just tell”. You may think that because your girl/guy is enthusiastic and open in conversation that they’re going to be the same way in the bedroom. That is not always the case, especially when it comes to people with little sexual experience.

Tips on Determining Sexual Compatibility Without Sex:

  1. Casually bring up the issue of marital sex in a tone that reflects your own attitude, then gauge their reaction.Here’s an example: If you’re super-excited about marital sex, convey that when you mention it. Likewise, if you’re nervous and unsure about it, convey that too — in your tone. Then see whether you get the same emotional tone back. Not a fool-proof method, but it should help you get some idea.
  2. Watch out for hang-ups about sex. Being nervous/uncertain about the sex issue due to lack of experience is one thing. Being repulsed by sex because of some childhood trauma is something totally different (and a much longer battle). Not everybody waits for the same reasons. For some people, “waiting till marriage” is just a safe slogan that masks an underlying hang-up about sex. Find out if that’s the case.
  3. Talk to them about why they’re waiting till marriage. Are they waiting because they’re a romantic? Because they’re deeply devout in their religion? Or just because they’ve never really had much of a sex drive?
  4. Note how often they joke about sexual frustration. Frequent jokes (blatant or implied) about sexual frustration are typically a good sign that the person has a raging sex drive underneath all of that willpower. Lack of jokes may suggest otherwise.
  5. Have an honest, vulgar conversation about it. Only attempt this after you’ve achieved a high level of trust and conversational intimacy. Find a window to broach the topic, then really get the details on what their idea of marital sex looks like (in terms of the big three: frequency, enthusiasm, and kinkiness). Note that you may want to wait until a little later in the relationship for this one. Just because you’re not having sex doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about sex. This is also a great way to pre-gauge how comfortable they are communicating about sexual topics (see next point).
  6. Communication the ultimate trump card when it comes to sexual compatibility. If you have great communication inside the bedroom, you may well conquer any other perceived differences pretty quickly. Likewise, if one of you is mute about their sexual needs or feels completely uncomfortable communicating in the bedroom it may be a serious problem. Good news is that you’ll probably marry somebody who you can communicate with really well in all areas.
  7. It’s unlikely that you will have a near-supernatural level of compatibility in so many other areas and be a mismatch in the bedroom. You’re probably going to marry somebody that compliments you in many ways, and that will include physical stuff. Just don’t settle for somebody you’re not crazy about and you’ll probably be fine.

2. Don’t you want to be “good” for your future husband/wife?

Sex is like martial arts: it is a skill that improves the more you practice and the more techniques you learn. Most non-virgins will tell you that “you’re going to suck at first”, like a fighter with no training. This is, with few exceptions, totally true. You are probably going to suck at sex in the beginning. Non-virgins offer this up as an objection because they’ve been in a situation where they sucked and the other person didn’t (due to having more sexual experience)…and they felt inadequate and less desirable for it.

When a non-virgin thinks about this objection, they are picturing you marrying somebody and then awkwardly struggling to perform while the other person is mildly frustrated, waiting on you to “catch up”, and meanwhile comparing you to all the people before you who were way better.

5 Reasons Why This Is Not An Issue

Do you remember the first bicycle you had when you were a kid? Do you remember how well you learned to ride that thing? You would do wheelies, hit the breaks and skid sideways to a stop, jump off ramps — all kinds of stuff. That first bike probably got more attention, focused learning, and experimentation out of you than any other bike thereafter. I’ll bet your bike had a good time too.

  1. You’ve got plenty of time to have fun learning. In context of a short-term relationship, sucking at sex (at first) means big problems. But in context of a marriage with all the time to learn, you’ve got plenty of time to learn to be awesome…and you get to do that with somebody you love and trust completely…in the best possible environment.
  2. Sex is best when you actively learn it — for the teacher as well as the student. If you marry somebody with more experience than you, it’ll be loads of fun for them to teach you. Think about it from their perspective: You’ve been with a few people who had their own generalized style and techniques (for better or for worse). Now this girl/guy you love is giving you an open invitation to tell them exactly what you like and and how you like it and bending to your every whim. And if you marry somebody with the same lack of experience as you, then you get to learn together.
  3. You’re probably going to marry somebody who’s under-experienced too. I’ve watched a lot of couples fall in love and get married, and I’ll tell you that one thing they all have in common (waiting till marriage or not) is balance. Not like they’re identical; just balanced. Sexuality-wise, this means that if you’re waiting till marriage you may well end up being attracted to and marrying somebody who is either waiting also or relatively close to it (i.e., not extremely promiscuous). It’s just the type of person that you’re going to gravitate to.
  4. They’ll love you regardless. Like I said in #3 about attracting somebody who is balanced with you…you don’t marry somebody unless they are connected to you in a way that is stronger than any connection you have had with anybody else ever. If by some chance you marry a Kama Sutra master and you’re a virgin, I promise you they’re going to be so focused on making you happy that it’s not going to matter if you’ve got a little learning curve. In fact, they’ll most likely feel guilty about their own over-experience.
  5. The learning curve is one of the main advantages to waiting. Walk by a magazine rack next time you’re in the grocery store. There will be at least one magazine with a headline like “sex tips to keep your relationship spicy!” or something to that affect. When you have sex in every relationship leading up to marriage, you’ve done a lot by the time you get married, so keeping things fresh and new becomes an issue over the long term. If you’ve never had sex before, you’re threshold for “spicing it up” is going to be laughably low. This is a very good thing. This means you’ve got a long, long time and lots of incremental spice-upping before you run out of novelty. And that’s going to keep your sexual relationship interesting and exciting for much, much longer. You’re just getting started when everybody else is burnt out. You’re paced for distance.

3. Trust me, after you have sex you’re going to want to experience it with other people

I’ve never given much weight to this objection, but I’ve heard it more than once. They’re argument is always something like: “Trust me, sex is like a whole new experience. And once you experience it with one person you’re going to get curious about what it’s like with other people and you’re going to want to try it with other people. You’ll think about other people wonder what sex would be like with them.”

Why This Is Less Serious Than it Sounds

Do me a favor: Next time you hear this objection, consider the source. You will rarely hear a married friend make this argument to you. It’s always younger friends who are themselves doing lots of casual dating.

Think of kissing. If you’re over the age of 17, you’ve probably had a few relationships that involved kissing. Now, think back to when you were dating somebody that you were totally crazy about. Think about all the times you were kissing them. Did you ever think “I really want to experience this kissing with other people?”  Does that sentiment even come close to what you feel when you think back on those memories? Of course not. More likely, you could picture yourself kissing that person and only that person for the rest of your life, if it hadn’t all gone to hell (assuming you broke up).

The same people who say “you’re going to want to experience sex with lots of people” are also the ones who will say that “kissing can be as intimate as sex,” so this kissing example holds with their logic, IMHO.

The whole flaw in this argument is that it completely ignores the notions of love and commitment. It comes from the perspective of a casual relationship, not one where love and voluntary commitment are involved.

Two Relevant Concepts from Psychology

I should also note (thanks to Ben in the comments for pointing this out) that it is normal to be in a relationship and occasionally look at other people in a sexual way, but not to the extent that people who make this “You’ll want to experience sex with other people.” argument suggest.

They argue that you’re going to have this deep, nagging pull towards sexual variety that will corrode your current relationship, unless you exorcise that demon earlier in life through lots of pre-marital sexual experiences. But that’s exactly how it plays out.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’ve been married for ten years. One day, while out for coffee by yourself, a devastatingly attractive stranger starts flirting with you. How do you react?

According to what I’ve studied of Relationship Science (Psychology applied to relationships), the answer to this question depends on how satisfied you are with your marriage.

If you’re unsatisfied with your marriage, you might have a strong desire to have a sexual experience with that attractive stranger. You may start bemoaning your decision to wait until marriage for sex, and resent it for robbing you of sexual variety.

But if your marriage is satisfying, two concepts come into play: Inattentiveness to Alternatives and Derogation of Alternatives.

Inattentiveness to Alternatives means that if you’re satisfied with your marriage, you may not even notice the stranger flirting with you. Your happily-married brain is blind to potential alternatives. You’re happy with your marriage. You’re not looking for a way out. And for that reason you don’t notice them when they present themselves [Source: Scientific journals on Inattentiveness to Alternatives].

Derogation of Alternatives is even more interesting. According to several studies, do you know what happens when happily-married people encounter attractive alternative partners? They start picking the alternative partner apart and focusing on their flaws. And the more threatening the stranger is to your happy marriage, the more viciously you pick them apart [Source: Scientific journals on Derogation of Alternatives]

Kurt Russel once famously said, when asked how he had remained committed to Goldie Hawn while being a sex symbol, “I’ve met a lot of other women, but none of them are Goldie Hawn.” In my experience, that’s a common sentiment among people who are happy with their partners.

So to summarize: Sure, you’ll occasionally notice attractive members of the opposite sex while you’re married, but only in a passing way, unless you’re otherwise unsatisfied with your marriage. Lack of lifetime sexual variety won’t make you unsatisfied, but being unsatisfied will probably make you start longing for sexual variety (hope that makes sense; if not leave me a comment).

4. Various arguments against religion and/or The Bible

Some people will try to attack your decision to wait until marriage by attacking the Bible or other religious texts because they think it is your primary motivation for waiting.

They will say things like “Did you know that the word ‘virgin’ had a different meaning when the bible was written and it doesn’t actually mean that somebody hasn’t had sex before?”

Or “What about that chapter of the bible where there’s all that sex happening? Doesn’t that totally contradict the whole abstinence thing?!”

Or maybe they’ll try to guilt you: “I’ve had sex. Does that mean you think I’m going to hell?”

Whatever the argument, most all of them are pretty hollow unless the only reason you are waiting is because of religion.

Why Anti-Bible Arguments Are Irrelevant

These people (who argue against waiting by arguing against religion) assume that you are waiting for purely religious reasons. More often than not, waiting till marriage is much more of a personal decision than a spiritual decision. And if it’s not, it needs to be. Personal decisions are much more easy to maintain with conviction than spiritual ones.

You may start out waiting till marriage because you want to conform to the values your favorite church preaches. But that’s only the beginning. If you want to make it past age 18 without caving on your decision, you’re going to have to come up with much more internal reasons to wait in addition to your spiritual reasons. The people who only wait because of church pressure usually fail anyway (because it’s somebody else’s decision, not theirs). The people who make it are usually those that really identify with the notion of waiting till marriage for sex and make it their own, religion or no religion.

Note: I do not mean to be anti-religious with this section. Your religion/spirituality can be a big part of why you’re waiting. I just mean that often you will be more stable about your decision to wait when you find ways to personally agree with it on multiple fronts, versus just the religious aspect.

5. You’re limiting yourself in who you can date

One of my very close friends (who is not waiting till marriage) once said to me something along the lines of “You’re limiting your available playing field severely if you’ll only accept a virgin. And what’s more, you don’t know how many opportunities [to have sex] you’ve missed out on (serious glance as if he knew specifics). ”

This was said to me by a great and long-time friend, who was genuinely trying to look out for my own happiness. Presumably, he knew of some girls that had wanted to date/have sex with me, but changed their mind once they heard I was waiting till marriage. In his view, those were missed opportunities for me to be happy.

Why This Doesn’t Have to Be True.

I have never rejected a girl on the basis that she wasn’t a virgin/waiting till marriage. If I did, I would be limiting myself. Of the eight (ish) serious romantic relationships I’ve had over the years, only one of them was with a girl that was also waiting till marriage. Clearly, those other, non-waiting girls liked me enough to date me even though they had to make do without something they were very accustomed to (sex). If, as my friend hinted at, there were other girls that were interested in me but got turned off when they found out I was waiting, then they probably weren’t that interested in the first place and I don’t consider it a loss.

Bottom line though: Don’t limit yourself with dating. If you are hell-bent on marrying a virgin, fine. But you’re not going to get to the marriage point without at least becoming close friends with somebody first. And in terms of close friends and dating, there’s no reason to require the V-card. You’re missing out on a lot of great relationships that will teach you plenty and help prepare you for that final relationship.

In general, hoping that you’ll end up marrying a virgin is one thing; requiring that somebody be a virgin before you’ll considering going on date with them is a quick ticket to dying alone and stunting your growth.

Want more? The Waiting Till Marriage Survival Guide covers many more arguments against waiting till marriage to have sex.

148 Responses to “The Top 5 Arguments Against Waiting Till Marriage”

  1. Concerned citizen says:

    Well written article with great counter arguments. I particularly enjoyed reading your section on sexual compatibility – as that is currently an ongoing fear in my relationship (my girlfriend wants to wait until marriage).

  2. Mike says:

    Thanks, Concerned citizen!

    The sexual compatibility fear is a biggie, especially if you’ve done enough to know how crucial it can be. As long as she’s good about discussing the topic with you, you’re probably going to be alright.

    You’re a good man for sticking with her. FWIW, I’ve known non-waiting guys who waited on their gf because she was waiting-till-marriage or whatever…it usually pays off for them in the form of a great relationship with a great girl.

    I have one buddy who used to be a bit of a man whore, and then got into a long-term relationship with a girl who was waiting. After a year or so I asked him if he got bored/felt limited because he couldn’t have sex like he was used to. His reply, in effect, was “Not really. When you love somebody it doesn’t get boring.”

  3. Godot says:

    What if you die before ever marrying?

    What if you spend a life in waiting and then…. die?

  4. Mike says:

    Hi Godot,

    The good news is that if you’re dead, then you won’t really care that you didn’t wait. So cross that bridge when you get to it, and stop worrying about it when you have no reason to (i.e., while you’re still very much alive). :-p

    But if you want to talk worry, I think it would be worse to get paralyzed before ever marrying. Now that might eat at you. But again, only slightly more than all the other crappy parts of being paralyzed.

  5. Sara says:

    Is it true that if you have good chemistry/compatibility kissing/making out with someone, you are very likely to as well with sex? It’s just the impression I got from some prior experience but I am still a virgin, obviously. =P

  6. Mike says:

    Hi Sara!

    I’d say that’s very true, yes. If you have good make-out chemistry, and you have good communication otherwise (this is key), I’d say you’re pretty safe as far as sexual compatibility goes.

    Most of the time, you can tell a hell of a lot from just a kiss.

    If you’d like, think of it like an increasing certainty, based on accumulation of evidence. If you’re really into each other and have lots in common, figure 60% chance of great sexual compatibility. If you have good kissing chemistry, it goes up to 70% certainty. Great make out chemistry (kissing + aggressive hugging), figure 80-85%. If you go into “everything but” territory and start doing things that involve…release…you’re going to know pretty much 100%.

    Well, maybe 99.9%. I can’t speak for the other .1% because I’m still a virgin so I don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty confident. I would bet a marriage on the compatibility established in all other “activities”.

  7. Han says:

    I have another one that I would like to raise. One of the things I have noticed about people who wait is that they tend towards early marriage. (before 23). I appreciate that there are exceptions and that some people are able to wait until they are of a reasonable age for both sex and marriage but purely from people I know, these are unusual. I would much rather my daughter had (safe) sex before marriage with unsuitable young men, got her college degree, married someone suitable and had a good marriage. Far better than getting married at 18 to a total loser because she mistook her rampaging hormones for true love.

  8. Mike says:


    That’s a good one. I think I may eventually give the early marriage thing it’s own section in the above post. Really, I can’t help but agree with you: I’d also rather my daughter have sex, grow up, and and then have a quality mature marriage rather then wait only to get married at 18. And like you I’ve seen plenty of cases where waiting-till-marriage people got married way too young for less than mature reasons.

    But actually, most of my waiting friends waited (or are still waiting) well into their mid-20s. If I had to bet, the difference isn’t an issue of the rule vs. the exception. I think (and I’m going to get flamed for this) that it’s an issue of uber-Christian vs. individual. Most of the people I see who wait until marriage, shove their beliefs in everybody’s face, get married at 19, then end up miserable and/or divorced…a lot of those come from overzealous church youth groups.

    There’s a whole other culture of waiting-till-marriage people that exists outside of those religious circles. Many of them are still religious, just not identified by only that…if that makes any sense. And I think that’s who I mostly deal with, and that’s who most of my waiting friends are…they are people who are waiting for mostly their own reasons. And I think that’s where the successes come from. That’s where you get people who still wait until they’re mature and stable in life to choose a great partner and take the leap.

    But you usually don’t hear about these people. Since their decision to wait is very personal, they often keep it more private than the uber-religious types who can be more vocal about it. So IMHO the perception that people who wait all get married too young comes from the fact that the people who DO get married too young are very vocal about their waiting, and those that are more mature about it are quiet about it. It’s that whole availability heuristic thing.

    Still though. You have a very valid point that’s worth discussing. Thanks for the comment!

  9. angela says:

    I think to go along with the compatibility issue is that no matter how compatible, sex is not going to be necessarily enjoyable at first. I was not a virgin before I got married, and the first long-term relationship I was in we had a wonderful, meaningful sex life…. after a few months. For about a month and especially the first time it was VERY painful and there was nothing pleasurable about it whatsoever to me. Eventually we got better/my body got used to it and it became great… so I guess the important thing I’m trying to say is that 1) don’t expect your wedding night to be fireworks and the best sex ever because for the girl at least it likely wont be, and 2) if its not great it doesn’t mean it won’t be eventually! I had a friend who “tried” to have sex for a full year before she could because it was so painful she would end up curled into a ball crying… she is married now and is totally fine, but I think if you’re waiting until marriage and expecting the wedding night to be great, be warned there’s a chance it will not be as fun as you think.

    I also want to add that I am married and I was living with my husband for 3 years before we were married, and being married to him felt VERY different than our relationship before. I was surprised how different in fact! Part of it may be that it just feels so very real and concrete now, and people treat us different then when we were just “Dating” before which rubs off on how we feel about each other. Plus we bought a new house and got joint bank accounts and are planning having children. The wedding night was also one of the best nights of my life and was very special, despite it not being the first time. If you wait that’s great and obviously you wouldn’t be doing it unless it was very meaningful for you to do so, but don’t think that people who DONT wait don’t have meaningful marriages or wedding nights 🙂 I personally am happy that I did not have a painful wedding night and that I knew 100% that my marrying him was due to how much I love him and had nothing to do with hormones or sexual frustration (not that everyone who waits doesn’t love their partner, but its nice to be SURE that this is for sure not a factor!).

  10. Sam says:

    First, to be clear, i’m a non-virgin, and personally it isn’t something I regret. But i’ve found this website very interesting.

    1. Not that important. I’m currently with a girl I really like, we’ve slept together throughout, and it is getting to the point where we start to explore more kinky things. But if she isn’t up for something I am, it wouldn’t be a big deal to me, because I really like her. I doubt that would be that important. Frequency could be a problem, but there’s always compromise on things like that.

    2. Not that important. It is true, everyone is crap their first time. But I agree with the article, you learn fast, and if you are waiting for marriage it isn’t plausable that the person would be fed up after a couple of bad lays and leave you.

    3. Not really true. I think everyone has feelings of lust, however many people they’ve had sex with. Part of being in a relationship is resisting them.

    4. I’m strongly non-religious, so not relevant to me, but I liked the argument. Religious beliefs are important to some people, but if you don’t think about things outside of that you essentially don’t have a mind of your own.

    5. I think this is the best point. Because I, for example, would want sex at the fairly early stages of a relationship. And I don’t think i’m a bad person, I could be perfectly compatable with someone who is waiting (“soulmates” if you believe in that sort of thing). So i’d say that is something to consider. Of course, you might think all people with a more liberal atitude to sex aren’t worth bothering with. That’s your choice, but i’d strongly disagree.

    If it is something that is really important to you, then fair enough. I just don’t really understand it from an atheist perspective. Sex is a great thing to share with someone, and it seems odd to me to deny yourself one of lifes great pleasures until marriage. I don’t think it makes it any less special- for me marriage or serious relationships are all about the love you share with someone, and the good times you share, not about anyones sexual history. I don’t like to think of people regretting missing out. I’ve meaningless sex too, and I don’t think it does any harm- as long as you’ve careful of course- it isn’t as good as sex with someone you care about, but it can still be fun. I think the idea it is something bad is a remnant from our religious based societies.

    Good luck to you if you have chosen to do this, I do think it manageable, I just hope it isn’t for the wrong reasons.

  11. Becca says:

    I am an 18-year-old who is waiting to have sex until marriage. I found this article very interesting. I will be a college freshman in the fall and this has been on my mind a lot recently…HOW am I going to possibly handle this aspect of college? Early in high school I did a lot of “hooking up” (3rd base type things) and after a close call with sex realized that I was getting out of control and needed to stop. I saw a counselor who made me realize that I was doing those things for self worth and self esteem. During my sexual encounter hiatus, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I’m going to wait and it is mostly for romanticism and my own sanity-not about religion. I carry a lot of guilt about the amount of sexual encounters I’ve had. That emotional baggage along with the emotional baggage of having sex would probably destroy me right now – hah! I want very much to find the man that I have a strong emotional connection with FIRST and get married…THAT’S the person I want to trust with my emotional baggage.

    Many people know that it’s easier to hold strong to your decisions if you’ve made them BEFORE you get into the situation that might test them. This article has helped me strengthen my feelings about waiting until marriage and helped prepare me for the encounters I probably will have with raging sexually-driven college guys and guilt-ridden girls. Thanks so much!

  12. Mike says:

    Hi Becca!

    Thanks so much for your comment. First off: Don’t torture yourself too much for your past. You did a mature thing and stopped your behavior in time before you went too far down the rabbit hole. This shows a lot of strength and character on your part. Most girls who get on a sexually self-destructive cycle don’t come out of it until they are much older and much more damaged. You’re in much better shape than many other girls that have gone down that path, and now you’re off it and onto a better new one!

    Remember: Guilt is healthy, but shame is not. Guilt will remind you of the things you’ve done that you wish you hand’t. It will help you avoid the same mistakes out of distaste and pain. It will help you define the kind of person who you’d rather be instead. Shame, on the other hand, will hold you back and make you unnecessarily self-destructive. So feel guilty about your past, move on from it fervently. But do not let yourself feel overly ashamed. You were young, you did some stupid things, and you caught yourself before it went too far.

    Your therapist sounds like a smart lady. She’s absolutely right: Random hookups are very often a function of low self esteem. This goes for guys too, as much as mass media may try to say other wise. Show me a guy who whores himself around and spends his life “doing chicks” and I’ll show you a guy who doesn’t know who he is.

    Be warned: Waiting is a different lifestyle. You won’t have random guy hookups to boost your self esteem, so you’re going to need to find other ways to keep your self esteem high. This is what waiting till marriage is all about: Focusing on yourself, your goals, and meaningful relationships. That may be a little different for you if you’re used to casual hookup culture, but I think you can find your way through the transition. Once you do…once you’ve become the type of person who is driven and self reliant and doesn’t need hookups, then it won’t be so hard to resist all of those horny college boys. You’ll be better than that.

    Of course, there will be some nice guys in college too. Don’t turn them down too hard. Waiting doesn’t mean you can’t date and have some college romances; it just means that you only let the physical stuff go so far. Emotionally, you can go all the way!

    Now, I’m going to give you one piece of advice that you probably don’t need to hear yet. But in the next few years, this is going to come in handy…

    You’re eventually going to find a great guy and start dating him. And when things get serious you’re going to feel compelled to tell him about your past and the random hookups and all the stuff you feel guilty about. Be very careful about this.

    Somewhere in his guy brain he knows that the proper interpretation of your past is “You were young, just doing stupid young girl things. How could I ever hold that against you? It’s no problem at all! I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

    But if you tell a guy “I did things with guys I can barely remember that I won’t let you, who loves me, do with me” it’s going to screw with him. Even the best guy in the world is still prone to jealousy. If I were you, I would severely limit the detail that you let him in on in that regard until you are in a position in your relationship (take this for what you will) to make him feel less jealous. And either way, don’t be shocked if it causes a fight.

    Don’t dread this scenario too much. If it’s the right guy, you’ll get through it and be happier on the other side. Now, good luck in college and go join the forums so you can stay in touch!

  13. Hmm says:

    I don’t agree that most of the time waiting is not a religious decision, but a personal one. I like this site but I don’t appreciate thh anti-religous slant at times…

  14. Mike says:

    Hi Hmm,

    Thanks for your comment. I don’t mean for this site to be anti-religious, and I’m sorry if it has come off that way in some articles. I’ve gone over the above article again and tried to improve the parts that mention religion.

    I agree that the majority of people who decide to wait until marriage probably do so at least in part for religious reasons. But my point was more this: What happens if those people leave the church? What if they go through a massive crisis of faith as so many people do as they age? Do their values remain? If so, how? Too often I have seen people start out as committed to waiting till marriage, then leave the support structure of church and abandon their values.

    Those that are able to stay true to their decision in or out of church are often people who personally identify with the idea of waiting beyond just their religious reasons. The people I’ve met on and off-line in the WTM community that have made it past high school/college while still remaining committed to their path…those tend to be people for whom religion is part of their decision to wait, but by no means the only factor. And I think that’s a good thing…it makes for a stronger, more complete commitment.

    I hope that makes sense.

    In any case, thanks for the constructive criticism. I’ll try harder in the future to celebrate the role that spiritual commitment often plays in waiting till marriage.

  15. Black Butterfly says:

    Remarkable article. I’m 26 and waiting. The article is encouraging.

  16. Leo says:

    Sam, I’m a 23 year old atheist who’s waiting and I actually just finished an article about why someone who is nonreligious might choose to wait! I hope you get a chance to check it out. It should be up on the site within a few days.

    I agree with your thought that promiscuity as morally wrong is based in religion. I don’t personally feel that way but I do believe that a relationship has a higher chance of success and happiness if both parties involved have waited for each other. Thanks for your post and I hope to see a comment on the new article!

  17. Matt says:

    I’m only 16 and waiting til marriage has been my personal decision for maybe a year now. However, it’s quite difficult making a commitment to such a lifestyle with a 23-year old brother who’s had very few real relationships, but innumerable hookups. He constantly encourages me to go after random girls and get as much sexual experience as I can before college. He doesn’t really comprehend the meaning and value of sex, and on that note, he doesn’t see women as having any more worth than being potential pleasure for him. It makes me sad, and it also puts a great deal of pressure on me. This article is great for fending off the challenges of acquaintances, but it doesn’t really help my problem of having a close family member who doesn’t even try to, nor could he ever, understand my lifestyle choice.

  18. Another Mike says:

    I’ve been married a little over 6 years now. Both me and my wife were virgins when we married. As we were dating, it seemed as though we were very compatible in the sex department, but it went downhill pretty quickly after we were married. It’s always very painful for her, and she gets zero enjoyment out of it. Consequently, neither do I since I know she’s just waiting for it to be over. Frequency dropped to once or twice a month.. To every other month.. And now it’s been 7 months. We never had the chance to get good at it.

    I guess I’m writing this not to discourage people from waiting, but to point out that it’s not a guarantee that things will be great just from having waited in and of itself. It takes something more. I just don’t seem to know what that is.

  19. Mike says:

    Hi Another Mike,

    There are a number of disorders that can cause the girl to have pain during sex. I’ve read several stories about married couples discovering this problem, fixing it, and then having a wonderful sex life afterwards.

    Here are a few links that might help:

    There’s another really good one that I couldn’t find. But the key point here is that you and your wife don’t have to accept this. I’m sure your wife would be all about sex if it didn’t hurt so much. So if you fix this, you’ll have a nice rebound effect. 🙂

  20. Joan says:

    So what if you never marry? Your whole sexual experience is based on the fact that you will marry, but what if you never do? Don’t you think you’ve eventually give up on waiting till marriage? Just curious.

  21. Mike says:

    Hi Joan,

    If I never marry and never find any kind of lasting mutual love, then I will have bigger problems than not getting to have sex. I can’t tell you whether I would eventually give up. I’m 28 and I haven’t so far. What would be the point of giving up? Would having some meaningless sex substitute at all for not having found a meaningful relationship? I don’t think so.

    Or I guess you could argue that by “giving up” on waiting I would be more likely to find love & marriage, but I don’t really see that as the case. I have had plenty of dating relationships. Finding new dating prospects is usually as easy as putting forth the effort to expose myself to new groups. I’ve had girls reject me for my waiting, but they were girls that I wasn’t particularly interested in anyway. With one exception, most of the girls I’ve found that I like (and that like me) find a way to be OK with the waiting factor. And those are the types of girls I’d want to marry anyway.

  22. Liv says:

    This is a wonderful article. I’m currently dating my first serious boyfriend and dealing with sex for the first time, and have been thinking about this a lot, because I told myself I would wait until marriage when I was young and didn’t know anything about sex. Articles like these are very helpful with deciding whether I should keep my promise or change my mind.

  23. DJ says:

    Hands down – the best article I’ve ever read on this subject. I’m a 31 year old woman waiting for marriage, and a lot of people think I’m nuts for my decision. But the more I see the relationships of friends (who have not waited) crumble around me, the more condifent I am in my stance. If you’re in sexually active relationship, when things don’t work out, that person gets to walk away with a very sacred part of you. And if things DO somehow work and you make it all the way to the altar, then what would’ve be the harm in holding for a time saving that experience for a time when it would mean the most [as a gift to your spouse]?

    100 years ago, it was considered the norm to wait, but now we live in an upside down society – an age of “do whatever makes you feel good as long as you’re safe about it” in every area of life, and the consequences are ugly. With pre-marital sex, it’s more kids without 2 parents, struggling single moms, rampant stds, drama, jealousy, and plain old broken hearts. So clearly, “whatever makes you feel good” is not always what’s best.

    I remember my younger sister told me once when she was in college [we were discussing that one of her roommates just revealed she was expecting] that pretty much every girl she knows has had at least one pregnancy scare. I can’t imagine facing single motherhood now, let alone as a college student – yikes!

    I think the minute you decide pre-marital sex is okay, you lower the bar for yourself tremendously. You’re saying, “I really don’t have the patience to wait for the right person [my spouse] to share this with, so I’ll just sleep with whomever I’m dating and hope it works out.” Even if you’re in a “committed” or “long-term” relationship, it’s not the same as being married – you’re putting your heart on the table without sealing the deal for life. How many times have people thought they found “The One”, sleep with them, it eventually broke up? Point being you can seem *so* sure about someone and be very wrong. Sex also releases endorphins that can (and very often, do) cloud your judgement. Think about how much sooner (and less painfully!) dating couples who realized they weren’t right for each other would part ways if sex wasn’t involved. People waste months and years dating someone who wasn’t a good match because – whether they want to admit it or not – once they’ve had sex, they become emotionally invested.

    The “sexual compatibility”/test drive the car bullcrap is the arguement that gets thrown at me most often. What are that odds that you and the person you love are a match in every way will be a disaster in the bedroom? I suspect a lot lower than people like to advertise. And if by some chance, you DO get married and things aren’t great in that department, you have the rest of your lives to work on it. If you sleep with someone and they fail to meet your sexual expectations, does that mean they’d be a poor husband/wife? Nope. No more that someone being “good” in bed means they’re right for you either. Marriage is all about the the three C’s: COMMUNICATION, COMMITTMENT and COMPROMISE! If things aren’t how you expected in bed, communicate your needs, committ to improving your connection in that area, and compromise where needed.
    Any married couple can tell you, it’s ALL about compromise because you’re not going to agree 100% on everything, whether it be discipline of your kids, whose family to visit on the holidays, or what color to paint the bathroom.

    Sex is also just ONE aspect of marriage. Above all, it’s a partnership, and you’ll be spending waaaaaay more time doing other things (like working, raising kids, etc.) than having sex.

    A lot of people (including a guy I dated) told me that a lot of men wouldn’t date me because of my choice to wait. Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I man cares about sex more than he cares about me, he’s not worth my time. Because a mature man who is looking for real, lifelong love will also be smart enough to realize that if he’s willing to exercise some patience, he gets both me AND sex (if he decides I’m the one). While waiting may be tough, the time you spend on it is very short in the grand scheme of things.

    And lastly, for the girls and women out there who are waiting, the key [I think] to not giving in to outside pressures is to know your worth. There is only one YOU in this world. You are a unique individual. So be confident and have faith that the guy who wants YOU won’t settle for someone who is *kinda* like you, but is willing to “put out”.

  24. Goddess says:

    I lost my virginity at 16 to a guy i knew for a week. It wasnt a conscious decision i didnt have the guts , or esteem tools to reject him:( anyway after that my sexual experiences went down hill from there, promiscuity ran rampant, i became a swinger and began attending sex parties at 20, now at 27 yr old ive had “estimated” 50-60 partners men and woman or MORE!! As of late all this emotional baggage and pain i carry from some of my “random ” hookups has swelled over and im tired of the pain. I have left the lifestyle to live a cleaner life. Luckily never contracted any stds, bbut have to deal with heart ache. I want healing and have been going through the inner dialougue of waiting til marriage. I feel that is the only way i can heel, get my spiritual life back on track, and end the madness that comes with dating and random hookups. I feel it will make life easier bc all the fronters will illiminate themselves, and ill no longer suffer from the ” I dont know where this is going syndrom” with guys and them not wanting to commit. I know its gonna be a drastic lifestyle change but as long as i keep my objectives in mind i know i can succeed!! R there any groups you reccommend i check for support.. Thanks for posting this! Its actually the first article i read since my major change! Peace blessings*

  25. Jay says:

    Dear Mike,

    First of all I just wanted to express a large amount of gratitude to you for posting an article like this, mainly because I believe this is exactly what I needed to give me a sense of hope and encouragement in the relationship I am in now.
    (I hope this doesn’t turn into a novel, if it does I sincerely apologize)

    About her and I: I met my current girlfriend two days short of exactly three months ago. I have had four serious girlfriends before her, all of which I engaged in sexual activity with. Two of which I have had actual intercourse with. She is 19, I am 23. She has only had one serious boyfriend and had sexual experience with him exclusively, everything except actual sex. I am a Christian. She believes in god, and that’s as far as it goes.

    The girls I have been with before were nowhere near where this girl is in the sheer amount of compatibility to me. Physically, she is BY FAR the most attractive girl I have ever dated. Emotionally, intellectually, and any other adverb you can possibly think of-she is to a TEE the kind of girl I could see myself with for a VERY long time. She experessed to me that she felt ready to have sex toward the end of her relationship with her first boyfriend, about two years into it.

    Now, back to us. I asked her to be exclusively mine a month and a week ago. We’ve openly spoken about sexual experience a few times, mainly after she comes over to my house and we make out on my bed. She likes to joke about her inducing of blue balls in me. I think it’s funny and horrible simultaneously. We’re weird.
    To this day we’ve made out, kissed some neck, and grinded on each other fully clothed (with jeans on, ouch). She doesn’t want more than that for now [her first bf had to wait a year for more than making out(she likes to point out she barely knew him/wasn’t as attracted to him as she is me)].

    What I’ve found most difficult is getting myself to be patient, not complain, deal with the blue balls, and wait for her to be ready to move on to the next rung of the ladder of sexuality.
    By this time in other relationships I have had least had free reign at some booby action, if not much more.

    This is a huge test for me as well because my last relationship, which ended at the inception of 2011, was with a girl I heavily attracted to emotionally, and not as much physically. This girl I am with now is both, but the physical attraction is tenfold.

    We went to the beach, had a very nice and romantic time. Kissed in our own personal cove near the water. She wore a bikini and I could’ve died with the amount of pain in my nutsack after we left…
    So, I finally caved yesterday and told her, “I like you so much it’s hard to hold back wanting to be closer with you [physically]…”
    She replied, “One day we will…”
    It seems to me that she wouldn’t want to wait til marriage to have sex, but she just likes to move very slowly.

    A little tid bit I left out earlier, she’s also never had an orgasm before. (Without sounding like a concieted prick) This is something that will most likely happen when begin taking the next step in our sexual adventure, so part of me really can’t wait to give that to her either. I guess I just really need to wait it out.

    To conclude, this article spoke to me deeply because I feel like this girl could end up becoming someone more special to me then I know and I should respect every decision that she makes (or lack of) because I care about her so much.


    Thanks so much for everything! :D!

  26. Mike says:

    Dear Jay,

    Thanks for your comment! I’ve been in a situation similar to yours before. Here’s my 2 cents…

    At those times when the physical (and emotional) blueballs hit you, you’re looking at your losses. You should be thinking of your gains.

    Imagine what might happen if you allow that frustrated side of you to blossom into a terrible flower of bitterness and impatience and it costs you the relationship. She dumps you. It’s over.

    Months later, you’re curled up in bed, crying and alone, wishing to God for somebody half as amazing as her to come into your life. Or even better, to have her back. To be able to call her and laugh and plan without fighting. To be the most important person in her world instead of just an occasional sympathy call. To be able to hold her for longer than a goodbye hug. God, to be able to kiss her whenever you wish….

    Now think of how fantastically lucky you are to have all that right now.

  27. Stacey says:

    Sex will destroy your relationship. I should have never gave in.

  28. Lauren says:

    This is the best argument against pre-marital sex i’ve read so far. On that note,after reading the article and the comments that follow, there are a few things I disagree with here.

    First off, I’m not a virgin. I’ts not something I regret doing. my reasons for not waiting are personal-I am not athiest, But I am agnostic.
    The first sexual relationship I had left me jaded, true. I gave myself to someone who used me as a way to have a way to feel romance, as well as other things that acompany a loving relationship. But soon after he bailed, and I was left sitting in the eternal searing agony in the fires-of-hell. But after all of this, I have learned something. The pain, the loss-Its a part of life. What ever happened to “whatever doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”? A read alot of articles saying, “Every relationship you break up where you had intimate relations is like a mini-divorce”, and “The psychological difficulties of these mini-divorces does damage to your character.” I’ve actually experienced the pain of true love, and these things are what will make your character stronger, not damage it. People are to concerned with your feelings, and I am in no way saying that its a bad thing, but what I am saying is that you cant baby sit some one’s emotions for their whole life. You cant always expect to be happy, because in order for you to build more character in yourself is to learn how to go through hard times.
    Sense losing my virginity, I have had some good relationships(all of which have been sexual), and i’ve been slowly having better and better relationships because I know how to handle them. And right now, I am getting ready to marry the love of my life, and sex barely anything to do with how it all played out.

    I’m JUST sayin: If you can be strong enough to handle it, you can handle anything else.

  29. Michelle says:

    Honestly even the thought of sex grosses me out…im only 15 so my mom says its a good thing… i have a boyfriend and i really love him nither of us have suggested sex to the other but there are lots of romers about our relashionship… i hate the fact that if i have my THREE YEAR OLD sister with me people ask me it im her MOM!! when i say im a virgin they look at me like im crazy… i think its sad sex it this big a deal now and that people automatically assume stuff about me and my boyfriend WE’VE NEVER EVEN KISSED!!!

  30. Sailormoon says:

    Doing a project on teen pregnacy and stumbled acrost this site plus this site with these top 7 reasons to have sex before marrige (Im a virgin) some of them made me laugh what to u think?

    Reason #1 to Have Premarital Sex: Everyone’s Doing It
    Not that peer pressure is a good thing. It’s not. That headline is tongue-in-cheek. But really, almost everyone IS doing it. A recent study by New Yorks’ Guttmacher Institute found that 9 of 10 Americans engage in premarital sex. To me, this shows that premarital sex is something that is outdated. See, in years past people married younger. Perhaps just after high school, perhaps to his or her one and only sweetheart. This meant that years of fooling around were limited. This leads me to point number two.

    Reason #2 to Have Premarital Sex: People Are Marrying Later
    Today, people are marrying later and later. Case in point: I’m 28 and engaged. My mom married at 16. This means that I would have waited over 12 years longer than my mom to have sex. I couldn’t not see sex as being a part of my life over the past decade or so. It shaped who I am. My fiancé and I set a wedding date for 2008. I will be 30 then. (Ten years more and there would have been a funny movie made about me!)

    Reason #3 to Have Premarital Sex: Test Drive
    You wouldn’t buy a car without test-driving it. You wouldn’t buy those pants without trying them on. Of course these examples can’t truly relate to a human being. However, chemistry is crucial to a marriage. Part of chemistry does happen in the bedroom. I firmly believe if people are not satisfied sexually, it can cause problems in the relationship. Knowing that you like sex with a person is a sure sign that the relationship will last. Or, even just knowing that you or your partner enjoys sex in general is a good thing too. Think Married with Children, how Al Bundy always wanted Peggy, but she was never in the mood. I am not saying that sex is the most important thing in a relationship; however, if the sex is not that great (or nonexistent) it could eventually lead to someone’s needs getting satisfied elsewhere. Why do you think sex therapy exists? Because it is THAT important to lasting relationships.

    Reason #4 to Have Premarital Sex: “Where’d You Learn How to Do That?”
    Hearing a partner say that will bring a smile to anyone’s face, and can even be a bit of an ego boost. (“Damn, I’m good!) Doing those little tricks or making someone feel good is something that comes with experience. Having multiple partners prior to being committed can be a great sexual exploration and learning experience. America didn’t become the country it today without a little exploring! People are born with talent yes, but skills need to be honed.

    Reason #5 to Have Premarital Sex: It Hurts the First Time
    If my very special wedding night included a very physically painful experience, it would certainly be a night to remember. But, not for the right reason. Plain and simple, in most cases when a woman loses her virginity it is painful. There could even be blood involved. Lots of foreplay and a lubricant can relax a nervous female virgin and make intercourse easier and less painful, but wouldn’t it just be easier to have had some practice? On the male side, knowing where ‘it’ goes is important. Sure, we all know where it goes, but men could be clumsy. Ever hear a man say, “Is it in?” They ask that because they may not know what it feels like. Does any sexual experience need a little coaching? Sure. But being able to impress your partner on the wedding night, or perhaps lasting a while can result from experience in the bedroom.

    Reason #6 to Have Premarital Sex: Where Does the Gay Population Fit In? Huh? Anyone Think About That?
    If gay marriage is something that states collectively aren’t going to agree on, then where do those in the GLBT realm fit into all this? Are GLBTs exempt from premarital sex because they cannot get married? Or, does this mean that they can’t ever have sex? That one baffles me! Also, what if a teen is uncertain of his or her sexuality. What if they want to experience sex with someone of the same sex to be sure if those feelings are real? What happens then? Is this why some marriages end in divorce because one partner reveals he or she is gay? Did the pressure of premarital sex preaching get to them so much that they never fully understood their own sexuality?

    Reason #7 to Have Premarital Sex: What About Divorcees?
    So, if one marries, gets divorced and falls in love again-and then gets engaged what happens? They are in a premarital situation again. And oops. They already had sex.

    I love the first one it remings me of the saying if ur friends jumped off a cliff would u jump too thats like the stupidest reason to have pre-marital sex!

  31. Michael says:

    People bring up sexual compatibility as an argument against waiting for marriage all the time. I don’t know how others feel about this but the way I see it… having already abstained for “x” number of years my libido is going to be through the roof and as I’ve already demonstrated through my abstinence I’m able to survive ENTIRELY without sex and live a happy life. So with regards to desired frequency and level of enthusiasm, girls have little to fear 😉 Now, having never had sex before, I’m like a lump of clay… very pliable! So my future wife can mold me into whatever is best for her. In short I have the desire to try anything and the capacity to learn anything. So am I compatible? Nah, I’m Universal ;)!

  32. Anonymous atheist says:

    I think this is a great article because it helps to give the other side of the argument – contradicting peer pressure/the media etc. I was raised in a culture where premarital and teen sex was normal, and if you weren’t having sex there was two reasons a) strictly religious or b) you couldn’t get any and nobody wanted you.

    I was a late bloomer and lost my virginity to my bf years after everyone else. But it wasn’t until after I had done it that I knew how I felt about sex. Since then I have slowly been coming to the realisation that I want to wait, even if I never marry and therefore never have sex again.

    It is hard to say that without being religious or a virgin, but I think I fall into the category of “people waiting for their own reasons.” Articles like this help me to work through some of my own fears and also help me realise that men wait, as well as women (not quite the image I was brought up with!!)

    I’d also like to hear the statistics about happy marriage/divorce rates among those who had early sex vs those who waited, because I think waiting takes self discipline, confidence and assertiveness.

  33. Hopeless says:

    I am a 29 yr old female recently married (Jan. 11, 2012). I had decided to wait until marriage. The problem is, nearly 2 weeks after marriage- I’m STILL a virgin! I have never been raped or sexually assaulted. Yet I have become the world’s biggest wuss! My husband has a very sexually active past. He decided to respect my boundaries for THREE YEARS! Yet, I am so afraid of my cherry popping that it frustrates him and he loses all patience. I can’t help it! I’m in an uncomfortable position and my body instantly reacts by squirming or pushing him off me with my legs. I really am considering buying some roofies to get me drugged. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, I DO! But bc he has waited so long, he is easily frustrated and quickly gives up trying. The thing is, we eloped while on a vacation and we haven’t had “honeymoon” time- we haven’t had days where we can just try hour after hour. We only had a short weekend vacation and then went back to work. We both work 6 days a week, 12 hour days. Every time we try he gets MORE impatient, then I cry bc I don’t know why I’m so scared and wth is wrong with me and I can’t believe I’m failing my husband so badly! He then gets mad when I start crying. After I leave (bc we have separate apartments in the same building), he then calls apologizing for his frustration and reassures me that he loves me. But he doesn’t even want to try anymore. I can’t make him- I can say “let’s try again” but bc he knows I’m gonna squirm, he gets frustrated all over again and goes soft. We don’t know what to do…..

  34. Eibhlinn says:

    I’m 26 years old, married and expecting my first child. I didn’t wait and that is not a decision I regret. It was the right one for me and it wan’t a choice I made out of nowhere.
    I like this article. It’s a good perspective on things and I absolutely respect other people’s decisions to wait, even if I don’t always understand it and if I disagree with it.
    I just have one issue with it. None of the “common” arguments given there are arguments I would have given. And some of them make people who don’t wait sound rather vulgar.

    1/ It wouldn’t have occurred to me to think of living with my husband before our marriage as “taking him out for a test drive”. For me, moving in together was just the next step in our relationship until we were ready for marriage (and I never doubted we were going to get married.)

    2/ Neither did I believe I had to go and sleep with a hundred people to “get good” for my future husband. I had one prior sexual partner. We had a sexual relationship because we loved each other, very simply, and chose to express it that way. Things didn’t work out with this first one, in the end, but we did have a meaningful relationship. Yes, as one person commented, he walked away with a sacred part of me and I walked away with a sacred part of him. But that’s ok. Because what we had at the time was real, even if it didn’t last, and I remember him as someone who was important to me and to who I was important.

    3/ I dismiss the argument that you want to have sex with other people when you’ve had sex with one person. No need to be one of the waiting people to know that. You just have to be one of the people who are in an exclusive relationship to know that.

    4/ It just wouldn’t occur to me to give anti-Bible arguments. I’m a believer too and I don’t think that’s the most relevant thing when it comes to choosing whether to wait.

    5/ As the article said, you’re only limiting yourself if you refuse to give people who are not virgins a chance. The one thing I would say about that, is that I’ve often heard waiting people call people who don’t wait “second hand” (I’ve heard worse, all sorts of insults fly. if you don’t wait, in some people’s mind, then you must be a whore. ). That just shows such disrespect towards other people, I don’t think it’s even worth responding too. You may think yourself moral, but if you see other people as objects, then you really aren’t.

    The other thing I’d have to say is that I could write a similar article on the opposite subject: the five arguments against pre-marital sex and refute them in the same manner. I feel like a lot of waiting people are prejudiced against those who don’t, just as a lot of those who don’t are against those who do.

  35. ThatGuy says:

    Hello Eibhlinn,

    Congrats on your marriage and pregnancy!

    I’m glad that, although you didn’t wait, you were cool enough to say that you liked the article.

    Thank you for your constructive criticism as well. I appreciate the fact that you didn’t deliver it venomously.

    Although you didn’t wait until marriage, you may have more in common with “waiters” than you think:

    You said that you had only one prior partner… that’s WELL below the average. You also mentioned that you didn’t make the decision not to wait “lightly”. Again, lots of people out there say that virginity/sex isn’t a big deal and many ppl unfortunately do throw their virginity away as well as approach sex super casually.

    Unfortunately though, this article does represent pretty common arguments against waiting and abstinence. I think part of the reason you may have been taken aback is because you don’t fit society’s carefree attitude about sex, but – since you didn’t wait- you’ve never had society force these arguments onto you.

    I agree that there is prejudiced on both sides. But one of the things that i love about this community is that we aren’t prejudiced; many of us have dated non virgins. Mike, the creator and founder of this site, the author of this article, is super diplomatic and accepting.

    You seem really cool. Feel free to stop by again. 🙂

  36. Eibhlinn says:

    Thanks, I do appreciate the open-minded attitude there seems to be around here. I’ve visited less open-minded places, from both sides.

    I do agree with your point that I do have some common ground with the “waiters”. I don’t consider sex as something unimportant. To me, it has to be about love, and you have to give yourself the time to recognize whether you are able to recognize the feeling both in yourself and in your partner and whether that feeling is supported by trust and respect.

    I guess my main view is that “waiting” does not have to be necessarily for marriage. And as someone else pointed out before, I’d rather my child waited for someone worth it and got married later (or never marry – many couples are perfectly committed without marriage making it official) than have her/him marry as a virgin but before s/he’s ready or to the wrong person.
    That’s a mistake than neither the waiters or non-waiters are entirely safe from.

  37. Ms.Lurk says:

    @Eibhlinn: I am not sure what it is exactly about your post, but it caused quite a bit of discomfort in me as a waiter. You do not seem as open-minded to this space, if I may say so (and I say so just b/c I am a waiter in a throng of non-waiters atm and thus truly treasure what this site is and stands for on a personal level).

    I think what stands out to me in your reply is that you assume these arguments do not exist b/c you wouldn’t say them. Please understand, many non-waiters express these arguments (and much much worse) and it is incredibly frustrating to have them dismissed off-handedly. In fact, it’s quite deflating to find this on one of the few sites that is warm and welcoming to the perspective of waiters. Of course waiting does not have to be for marriage, but that is what the site is focused on. I also, I think, don’t see why you mention disagreeing with waiting right after you say you respect it. If you respect that waiting is the best option for many many people, why do you disagree with what makes them happy? I don’t see a reason for it, except to imply prejudice against those of this decision?

    I don’t know. Your post just really rubs me as not open-minded, although it is more civil than other comments from non-waiters.

    The child discussion also has me squirming some, b/c there seems to be an underlining impression of the tired stereotype that people will rush into marriage if they wait and it is better not to simply to avoid that outcome. (Which seems to go with angela’s somewhat, to me, offensive implication of not knowing if you really love someone for them or sexual frustration if you are a virgin on your wedding night.) I understand this happens, and perhaps I’m projecting, but as long as my child did whatever in their love life with good faith at the time, with consideration, love and respect to themselves and their partner, I’d just be happy – yes, that includes if they decide waiting is for them. Same for if they decide not to wait.

    Actually, re-reading the other posts before submitting now, I find a lot of commentary raising more arguments or defending non-waiters – which is kind of ironic since this (seemed) to primarily be meant to help waiters! I think posts like DJ make it worth it, but it is really incredible whenever I come back to re-read this for encouragement only to scroll to the comments and find non-waiters proving how necessary this article is to combat the (often unwelcome) skepticism over others’ sexual decisions to wait. I think I’m just better off in reading the articles and then heading for the forums for support. As I mentioned, I could just be projecting and I hope I have not offended you Ebihlinn! It is just difficult to have such a sensitive and personal issue dismissed, and a space for waiters flipped into a space for non-waiters to talk about their non-waiting marriages/wanting to have their fictional daughters not be waiters/defending non-waiters/etc.

    In any case, great work as always Mike!

  38. Ms.Lurk says:

    Oops! Also I wanted to mention a point raised by someone on one’s wedding night being painful if one’s a virgin and female. That really depends on a number of factors – whether you are athletic, are intimate alone, have a medical decision, etc. Many women do have enjoyable first times w/o pain, but it isn’t as spoken of and, again, depends on many factors.

    Also, what might help other waiters when non-waiters can (un)intentionally bring you down, is to find someone who you can communicate with without judgment being put on you. Someone who really means it when they respect you b/c they don’t ever talk about what they think, but instead focus on you and supporting you as you wait. If you can reciprocate this, whether they are waiting or not, it can feel great. A yoga buddy of mine knows I’m a waiter (coincidentally, she is a non-waiter big on casual relationships, doesn’t want marriage or anything long-term for private reasons) and has been a tremendous supporter; I’ve been lucky she has let me support her in turn and we’ve become great friends in this process, broadening each others’ perspective. The face-to-face interaction can really help. I think that’s what is best: people actually accepting each other without without needing to defend their own position (usually opposite yours), communicate their private disapproval, or distrust in the validity of the other person’s choices.

    Anyway, that’s it from me! Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to state my piece. My decision to wait makes me incredibly and exuberantly happy. I’d be miserable as a non-waiter, and I’m glad to come here and be reminded of how I can express that to the people who do not understand my position, but want to b/c they care.

    Back to lurking for me. 🙂

  39. Mike says:

    @Ms. Lurk – PLEASE join the forums and come hang out! You’re too cool to remain a lurker!

  40. ThatGuy says:

    Mrs. Lurk — I agree with Mike! Please join the forums, if you haven’t already. You’re way too cool not to.

  41. ThatGuy says:


    I’m glad you appreciate my diplomacy.

    People here don’t force their viewpoints upon others and we greatly appreciate it when others viewpoints are not impressed upon us. I slightly feel that you’re forcing your viewpoints here. You mentioned something about virgins/waiters and marriage, please check out the statistics section and review the data concerning people who waited till marriage.

    Thank you for your time and diplomacy.

  42. lyra says:

    My boyfriend of 2 years wants us to have sex. He’s been a very good boyfriend but lately he really pushes this issue. His argument is that I can’t understand him because he’s a man. He can’t wait anymore. He said that we’d still do it in the near future (when we get married) so there’s no point in waiting. It’s my personal conviction to wait till marriage. What will I say to him? Help.

  43. Anne says:

    Thank you for writing this article, and for this site, and thanks to all those who have contributed so courteously in the comments section. I am a “waiter” (mostly for personal and spiritual, but not really religious, reasons; and at least until I am deep into a relationship where I am engaged/engagement is imminent if I am not actually married yet…), and I feel much more at ease with making the decision to wait – a decision which is a little uncommon nowadays, especially for a North American college student – knowing that others have made the same choice for similar reasons and confident and happy with that decision, rather than being venomous or superior about it. This choice is a big and very individual one, and made solely for one’s self; I love how this site really respects that and doesn’t use fear-mongering or alarmism, or posit that anyone who doesn’t wait has erred grievously and is doomed forever and ever, blah blah blah, etc.

    In short, I feel encouraged by this community 🙂

  44. rose says:

    you missed issues with sexual abuse during childhood and possible medical problems. What if you get married and because of the sexual abuse you may have in your past you feel you are not ready for sex. Yet you are married and feel you must preform. Then you have a grumpy husband who might leave you. The same goes for medical issues. Some medical problems make sex hurt. It’s something good to know before you get married. My bf knows my issues, and she still wants to get married. No surprises.

  45. rose says:

    Hopless– It hurts like a bitch when you first try. You are right to be afraid! First get an exercise routine going, a light one, walking, stretches, etc. Take a long warm bath to loosen up the day you intend to have sex the first time. Also take some ginger supplements and IB profin.
    Lastly, pop your own cherry! get a toy, wash your hands very well, just make sure it’s sterile and just shove it up there. Don’t hurt your self but make it like your pulling a loose tooth. don’t prolong it and push and get scared and draw back.
    He does not have to take your cherry. That’s a very carnal thing. Why would you want to associate your first sexual experience with pain?

  46. Mike says:

    @lyra – First off, awesome name. Second, ask him this question: “You’ve been so cool about this for 2 years. Why the sudden urgency?” That’s suspicious to me. It’s possible that he’s starting to move on from the relationship for other reasons. Or maybe his friends gave him shit about it and it got to him. Or maybe some other change happened in his brain. Or maybe he’s just horny. Figure out why his attitude changed, and then see if you can address the new concern.

    @Anne – I’m so glad you like it! Come hang out in the forums for even more support!

    @Rose – I didn’t miss the abuse possibility. It was just buried in a wall of text that was easy to skim over haha. Check out point #2 under Tips on Determining Sexual Compatibility Without Sex (in the sexual compatibility section).

    But you’re right though. It’s a very valid concern, and one reason why if you’re going to date a waiter you need to have lots of conversations about it to make sure there aren’t issues like that under the surface.

    I think that scenario deserves more prominent attention in the future. I’ll try to make that happen.

    Also, I’m really glad you’ve gotten all that squared away with your bf, and congrats on your engagement!

  47. Ashamed says:

    If I could do it all over, I would definitely wait until marriage. And although I rarely admit it to myself, deep down, I feel like shit for not only not waiting, but having had sex with an insane amount of women, most of which I don’t even remember.

    It really sucks because I started having sex relatively late (I was almost 18), and I had these strong moral convictions on how special sex was supposed to be. I never planned to wait till marriage, but I also never thought I’d have sex with more than 5 partners in my life.

    And yes it definitely has damaged my ability to get close to women. I also have this deep-seated fear of one day meeting a woman who is perfect for me, and her being a waiter or close to it, and her not wanting to be with me, because I compromised on my values towards intimacy. And I couldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t want someone who slept around like I have either. I have ended a few relationships with otherwise great girls, because they were too promiscuous before we met. How’s that for irony.

    So to all the waiters: at least one male whore out there admires all of you, and urges you to never settle for anything less than another waiter. Your purity, and the lens through which you view the world is something you never get back when you sleep around.

  48. Mike says:

    @Ashamed – I wouldn’t beat yourself up about the past too much. Afterall, you can’t really change that. But you can make more of an effort to limit yourself to meaningful, committed relationships going forward. The more you do that, the less your past will probably sting. And for what it’s worth, if you do end up with a waiter, you have two things going for you:

    1. You will be very understanding and supportive, which will mean the world to her.

    2. I’m going to catch flack for saying this, but you’re a guy. Double standard kicks in. Common gender roles and the expectations they form are working in your favor: a girl is more likely to accept your past than you might be to accept hers. Most girl waiters I speak to have less expectations of another marrying a waiter than most guy waiters have of the same. Not saying that’s the way it should be; just how I’ve observed them to be.

    So I guess what I’m saying is: If you do find yourself in a relationship with a waiter, don’t let your guilt about your past self-sabotage you. Give her a chance to be OK with it. She might surprise you.

    Good luck, and thanks for the words of solidarity!

  49. Karina says:

    I know this article is focused on waiting until marriage, but I’m curious to know about people’s opinions on waiting until they’re engaged/intend to be married in the future. Is there a significant difference between the two?

    I’m sure the argument will be something along the lines of “If you’ve waited that long, what’s waiting a little longer?”, but still, the lifelong commitment between partners is already there and the above arguments could still potentially apply.

    But anyways, such a great article, and such supportive comments. I’m so glad I found this!

  50. Mike says:

    @Karina – People will have different opinions, I’m sure, but as far as I’m concerned waiting until you’re engaged and waiting all the way until marriage are practically the same thing. I’d expect to find almost identical values at work in both situations. A waiter is a waiter. Beyond that, it’s just a question of risk and ceremony.

    If you do it before the actual marriage, there’s a bit higher risk of the relationship ending and leaving you in a lurch than there is after the wedding. Also, if you wait all the way until after the wedding, then your marriage and wedding will mark a brand new phase of your life in a bigger way (you won’t go back to the same life after the wedding…you’ll go back to a better, more fun life with sex in it).

    So waiting all the way till marriage is less risky and slightly more sentimentally meaningful. But I wouldn’t consider anybody who waits until they’re engaged any different than somebody who waits all the way. You know your relationship. If you know this is it for both of you, and you’re not really interested in the sentimental angle of waiting all the way until the marriage, then maybe doing it now is what’s right for you.

    Keep in mind that I’m coming at this from a secular angle. Religious waiters might have another take on this.

  51. Lee says:

    To my mind, the point of an engagement is that it can be broken off, whereas the intention is that marriage will be lifelong. Up until the wedding, the relationship can be broken off without the emotional ties having made love brings (though obviously there will be all the other emotional ties of having been so close). I do think it is a private, personal decision for each couple to make, and certainly there is a huge difference between casual and engagement/serious relationship. I often think of a Baptist friend, who, throughout his pre-marriage relationship and engagement, several times considered making love with his girlfriend/fiance, yet, after carefully considering each time, they waited until the big day. My own views are, by the way, atheist.

  52. Proud college V says:

    Wonderful arguments, everyone. This was very interesting to read. I’m doing a college essay on why to wait and this was very helpful. I’m a waiter and so is my bf, but it seems everyone I know or have known has lost their virginity. It drives me insane because I can see it messing up their lives and I don’t know how to help. I know girls who got pregnant at young ages and had to drop out of school. I know guys who destroyed their reputation because they settled for whoever would give it up quickest. I know a good relationship doens’t necessarily mean you have to wait until marriage, but you should wait until your prepared for the consequences, and try to wait for someone you love. Although I was wondering, how early is too early to get married? Not age-wize, but by relationship length.

  53. Mike says:

    @Proud College V – Protip: Remember that your professor probably didn’t wait until marriage. Don’t hand in an essay preaching the virtues of abstinence. It will put him/her on the defensive emotionally, and when teachers feel defensive they take points off. One of the quickest ways to fail a paper is to offend the teacher. Getting a good grade is more important than speaking your mind to your professor. Swallow your pride and pick a safer topic. Or if you must write about WTM, do it in a safe, self-effacing way that preserves your professor’s ego.

    If you want to write about waiting, write for us here at! I’ll put your essay up in front of thousands of people who will enjoy it much more than your professor will. 🙂

    Also, as for how early is too early to get married: The earlier you get married, the riskier it is. Until about age 25. After that you have a much better statistical chance of making it last. If you’re under 25 the odds are not in your favor. But every relationship is different. Without knowing your relationship intimately I couldn’t really say. Maybe you’re some fluke soulmate couple that marries at 18 and stays together forever. That does happen!

  54. Annette says:

    Thank you for wrighting this, I really enjoyed it. I am a 16 year old waiter. My reasons for waiting are simple but seem silly to most people who don’t know me like my best friend. They are I am in high school and plan to go to collage and do not want to risk having a child at this time and make life harder for myself, I don’t want to be used just for sex one of my friends has been and she not the same, and I want to know the person who I give myself to loves me. My desion was also decided early on in life like middle school or mabie elementary i don’t really reminder when i decided this but it was a long time ago.

  55. Lyra of Feb 12, 2012 says:

    Still i’m afraid to have sex with my boyfriend for three reasons:
    1. I promised myself not to have sex till marriage.
    2. My conscience would not allow me to do it.
    3. I’m afraid to get pregnant even if we say we now have those pills, condoms etc. I’m not yet ready to face the consequences.

    I know men men generally are physical (sexual) in nature. Problem is I don’t want to lose him. He wants sex and I don’t. What shall I say to him to make him understand my personal reasons without making him feel that I’m like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit (him).

  56. I Understand says:

    Sex was very painful for me (and I waited). I know first hand the frustration, anger, and shame that goes along with it. This website was an answer to prayer. If you are experiencing pain during sex (and all the doctors can tell you use more lube and try to relax…yeah right, this is gonna hurt like crap, but try to relax), please check out this site. It could be your answer (it was mine).

  57. Chance says:

    We shouldn’t be unevenly yolked with someone that hasn’t “waited” as wel have. I can’t recommend dating someone that isn’t a virgin if you are one yourself because of the possible incompatibilities and the surprise and charm that is lost from the relationship. There are plenty of virgins out there, and the advent of the internet allows anyone in the world to meet one. I’m from a small city, but on Facebook alone, thanks to Christian groups. I’ve met over a 1000 such women, one of them currently my special one-and-only. 🙂

  58. Joan says:

    I’m 14 and I’m planning on waiting until marriage. I’m in the middle of puberty right now, so obviously my hormones are raging and this topic has been on my mind a lot lately.
    I really liked this article. I’m a Christian, but I’m not so over-the-top about it, meaning that I don’t usually go to church, but I do read my bible occasionally and pray. Even though I’m a Christian, my choice to wait until marriage actually has very little to do with my religion. I want to wait for the simple reason of self respect. I don’t want to just give my virginity away to anyone. I don’t want to have to regret it later.
    One thing I’m kind of racking my brain about is the fact that I’d really prefer a partner that is ALSO waiting. But going to a public school and not being around others with the same ideas leads me to believe that my standards are too high. I want to be able to experience sex for the first time with someone who also hasn’t experienced it. I want to be on the same level as them, you know? It’s just that in modern society, it looks to me like “waiting” people are getting fewer and fewer. The last thing I want to do is limit myself to the point where I will end up dying alone because of such high standards. I just imagine myself feeling uncomfortable losing my virginity to someone who already gave it up to someone else. Is this unreasonable?

  59. confused says:

    Hi there lovely article and relevant to me since I and my current boyfriend who is a 34year old virgin have decided to wait for marriage. I am not a virgin as I had sex several times with my ex boyfriend who died two years ago! That’s when I realised I can never be sure that the guy I’m sleeping with will be my husband and hence I decided to wait and was surprised to get a new boyfriend last year who feels the same. Problem is I’m not sure him and I are so compatible even outside the bedroom we never agree on an important issue to me communication! He really talks about sex or even brings up the idea of us having it like I do! He isn’t a big flirt or a big communicator on even other issues. Sometimes I feel once we have sex before we are married we will become closer and it will fix all our communication problems but sometimes I feel
    this won’t be the case even if we wait to have sex when we are married I feel we will struggle with sexual pleasure and communication jus like we struggle with communication outside e bedroom. Please advise me so far I’ve been told sex will bring us closer together which will be good even before marriage! Is this true?

  60. duchess says:

    Am 26 and am a waiter.I jst stumble upon this site jst yesterday and I cudnt stop reading. Thanks Mike for makin me understand am nt d only one waiting. I jst got engaged to a very close friend of mine, its bin a few months since we started dating and he knws am waiting until marriage bt recently he is bin kinda givin me d feelin dat he wants sex and asked me if we must wait and I told him yes. Although he is not a virgin and he loves me too much. To speak d truth I was actually tinkin of givin up my virginity but I just cudnt,av waited too long to give up nw and am happy am still waiting. U guys have giving me d encouragement that I need and am super thankful for dis site. All my friends durin our teenage days av all giving up on waiting but I didn’t and am still goin strong and av never regretted it. I will kip coming to this site.
    Thanks Mike, u r great.

  61. ritzy says:

    iam 24 old man I am stil Virgin. I have a gf n i love her so much but she is nt virgin.Deep down i used to get hurt wen ever i remember dat.She loves me soo much n v plan to get married.
    I felt bad myself abt her. N wish if she is stil …V.
    She used to cry alot abt her past, though i din scold her.
    Any help plz……

  62. Fingers crossed says:

    I’ve recently come to date this girl who is amazing and wonderful and beautiful and intelligent. Before I fell in love with her I scoffed at people with the desire to wait, but through growing closer to her, and becoming her friend I came to realize I agreed with her, maybe I didn’t want that for myself, but I understood. When we started dating I still didn’t fully agree with her, but I figured that she’d come around to my way of thinking. I was wrong. Now that’s what I want for us. For me just as well as for her. I love her and she feels the same. The only issue is that we are seniors in high school. We’ve discussed it and we both believe it wouldn’t be right to marry before at least 22 or 23, four or five years from now. So we find ourselves with a challenge. Despite both sharing the desire to wait, we are highly compatible, madly in love, and (as teenagers) hormonally charged. On and off we struggle with our own desires, both of us, one consoling the other, and when difficult moments occur for the both of us it tends to cause a temporary ripple in the relationship. Still were trying and fighting, and after a particularly difficult time (during her ovulation of course) we were both questioning our own resolve. This article however helped us a lot, even if its not entirely related, just the general mention of the subject in a positive light help us. Thank you.

    Oh, and I should also note for my own reasons that I am not doing this for any religious reason, and I highly discourage anyone for doing such reasons as well. I am doing this solely because it is what I desire with the woman I love.

  63. Katie says:

    if I had to do it all over again…. I’d still not wait until marriage. My sister waited until marriage and it completely screwed up her relationship. I could write a whole entire article on why not to wait simply because no one tells you straight forward about the real consequences that can ensue. Some are lame excuses like ones mentioned above, but others are very very true. I’m a pastor’s daughter. I’ve seen people come and go and people who waited have other consequences they have to deal with. People act as if virginity is this perfect way to start a marriage. There’s no worry about pregnancy before marriage, and one who is a rather jealous individual in general does not have to worry about what her/his spouse is thinking about in bed. That’s mainly it. You want to be safe, and you don’t want any other little B-words getting into your husbands head, right? In my opinion, that’s not worth waiting 25 years for. We both had premarital sex, and my husband and I of 20 years have had an absolutely fantastic relationship and really great sex. In my experience watching divorces happen on a consistent basis (very large church, but everyone is still somehow in each other’s business), most men who waited come into marriage addicted to pornography and/or have fantasized their first time so often that they develop unrealistic expectations. Same with females. I know of situations where the female is expecting flowers all over the place and a long talk with cuddling before their first time. All she had been going off of beforehand were overly dramatic romantic chick-flicks. In other words, girl porn which develops unrealistic expectations of sex. The guy was expecting to get married and immediately have sex in the back of the car on the way to the hotel. Needless to say, many marriages end abruptly because the woman felt as if she was borderline raped (even though she wasn’t). She gives in to her husband insisting that they have sex before the reception, and her wedding “night” is ruined forever. She’s not in the mood for the rest of the honeymoon and practically the first whole year. Also, I have been married for 20 years now. My honeymoon was enjoyed because I wasn’t in intense pain. Men…. sorry, but you won’t be having sex during your honeymoon like you anticipated. You’ll have it on your wedding night, and your wife will then be in intense pain the rest of the week. I also know of many a couple who have gotten divorced because the wife/husband wouldn’t give head. They didn’t use hardly any foreplay. If one is inexperienced, they won’t know what questions to ask before they get married. You had great questions in this article, but to really understand someone’s sex life, you truly need to have sex with them. They won’t tell you (because they wouldn’t know) what positions are their favorite or which ones they’ll never use that you happen to love so dearly. I highly doubt any virgin reading this would ask in detail what kind of head they would be receiving. Unfortunately, many women can only achieve orgasm via oral, and if she is not having an orgasm, there is no oxytocin and therefore no attachment. Yes, that is what people mean by sexually compatible. If you cant have your partner achieve orgasm, you’re not doing a good job. You won’t know that as a virgin. Many many get divorced because of that. I’m not pulling this out of my butt. They aren’t happy and find someone that is better in bed.

    Most of the problems with virginity are because in our Christian generation, we believe that purity is found in our gonads. Not our hearts, just our gonads. If a girl does not get married as a virgin, she is impure. She blew it. She may even try to “revirginate” herself (which I have sadly actually seen many women do, haha) by saying she’s a “reclaimed” virgin, as if that is humanly possible. Many hate themselves and go into a downward spiral because they already “crossed the line” and start having sex with whoever whenever because they are now impure. Therefore, most Christian women who have had sex (because 95 percent of people have sex by 25) hate themselves and feel disgusting for the rest of their lives all because of one little decision. They are the ones to say “it’s not worth it” in articles like this. Not because it wasn’t fun (or they wouldn’t have done it), it’s because of the pointless guilt that goes with it. People who put purity as just what you do sexually end up drawing some imaginary line in their relationships. You ALL know what I’m talking about. You kiss… is that too far? You make out… Is that too far? Oral? Too far? Since purity is not in the heart and just about virginity, it’s all about how close you can get to that non-existent line without sinning. While I practiced abstinence until my early 20s, all it created was stress in the relationship. You were filled with hormones, attracted to your boyfriend/girlfriend, and the only thing that was keeping you back was a loose translation of the word “fornication” in the Bible. Even though people gossip on a daily basis which Jesus himself compares to murder, people ignore those Bible verses and freak out instead about sex all the time. What does the Bible say about sexual purity? Well, it says that even thinking about another person lustfully counts as sex. Sorry to say this, but we all have, according to the Bible’s definition of sex, had sex before marriage. On top of that… men, do you really think Jesus is standing behind you while you masturbate saying “Good job! you’re waiting until marriage!” when you have a girlfriend who has parts that work completely fine? You, in your heart, have had sex with her many times instead of actually getting to enjoy the real thing. Instead, you get married having had fake sex with her (that she doesn’t know about) a million times instead of actually drawing closer to her physically. You think the “Christian” way is to use your hand. Also, I go to a Christian college, and I’m tired of seeing people get divorced in only 3-5 years because they got married too early since they were so horny. Trust me and please listen to me: if you are practicing abstinence because of actual real reasons (and not because you just read it in the Bible… let’s face it, the Bible also says women should stay silent in the church and everyone breaks that rule. also, the word “sexual immorality” is translated as just that. a very vague term and the word “fornication” wasn’t even invented until the 12th century. there’s not even a verse that says blatantly to not wait until marriage), then great. That is your decision, and made for all the right reasons can amount to a great marriage. You might not feel horny that often, and/or have a great relationship going without the need for anything else to be added. In that case, sex could actually bring more stress into the relationship since everything is going so well at the time. There’s no reason to HAVE to have sex in your particular relationship. However, if you were anything like me, you thought God would hate you and refrained for 100 percent what-the-Bible-says reasons as your relationship dwindled without any real intimacy. I had sex, and it completely saved the relationship. If you are in highschool, you break up all the time. I think that’s too young. However, if one is in their 20s in a serious committed relationship, sex is a very important part of the relationship. Think about it this way. Me having sex at 21 is the same thing as abstinence-followers getting married at 21. So those of you who think that sex dwindles down by the time you’d get married after having premarital sex, it does the same thing in marriage. sex might not be the same the second year of marriage just like sex might not be the same at 22 compared to 21. All that’s different is a ceremony that I couldn’t afford since I was in medical school (and besides, my sex life right now is better than ever). And unplanned pregnancy? 20 percent of abortions are married women. Plenty of married couples don’t want a baby either. STDs? One can get HPV without having sex. Also…. I know of many people who waited until marriage, had sucky sex, and found out their husband/wife was cheating on them due to them getting an STD. Not worth waiting then, huh? How sad is that to wait 25 years to have sex just to get an STD by your unfaithful spouse? The fact of the matter is, sex is different for every relationship. And as an autonomous individual, you need to be making this decision for yourself based off of your particular relationship. Do you think it may ruin the relationship to start getting physical? then avoid sex. Are you planning to get married within six months because you want to have sex but are afraid of God smiting you? Then please have sex before you make any dumb decisions. Use birth control and condoms (and ladies if your boyfriend “doesn’t want to wear it” then don’t have sex with him- consequences are not worth it). Losing your virginity you’ll get over, but signing a legal document binding you to someone for the rest of your life is a very HUGE deal. Marriage is worth so much more than a way to relieve your horny feelings. Marriage is SO much more than just sex.

  64. Fingers crossed is now upset at Katie says:

    On the comment above:
    You seem to underestimate humanity, that all of us need sex to make our relationships happy, I won’t claim that I don’t want to have sex, but I’m not going to be a pig about it. How dare you insult all men by assuming that we are going it “rape” our brides? That we are expecting to get laid almost immediately. It seems like you’re saying that people who wait are getting married specifically to have sex. You insinuate that we all have our expectations of everything being the way we want it, but instead the other gender wants something totally different. Well, how I’m planning to behave on MY wedding night, apparently differentiates from every other guy ever. I WANT that romance, and I’m probably going to do the flower petals, talking, and cuddling, because I actually LOVE my girlfriend and I’m not just in it to get laid. Oh, and I’m totally expecting it to suck the first time, and I’m totally ready to have a sexless honeymoon, because for some people its not about the sex, it’s about the partner, the person you’re with. It’s funny that you end saying that marriage is more than sex when you’re entire argument is lying on the basis that that’s all people who wait want. You chose to have sex, thats cool, do what feels right for you, but you shouldn’t act like thats right for everyone, and no, waiting isn’t right for everyone either, but at least give some merit to those of use who aren’t in it cause we’re freaking zealots.

  65. Flower says:

    Thank you so much for this article. I am 20 and am still a virgin, but was seriously considering making love with my boyfriend of 2 years who is also a virgin. We are very much in love and would be married right now, but our school doesn’t allow us to attend if we are married. I have always based my reasoning on waiting on religious reasons, but reading this makes made me realize all of the other reasons I have accumulated over the years to wait.
    At fingers crossed: you did a very nice job of expressing yourself for your age. You sound very much like my boyfriend in thinking that your girl would eventually come over to your way of thinking. Now my boyfriend loves me more for not having changed my opinions. I love how your concern is for her. You are definitely not alone in wanting romance, most men do. It’s just a very unmanly thing to admit in today’s society. However in many older societies, it was considered a talent.
    At Katie: you seem to just be very bitter at many things and using fear to support much of your reasoning. I may not have had sex with my boyfriend yet, but being a very hot red blooded couple, we have had plenty of conversations about what we would like or expect on our wedding night, honeymoon, and first time. It is what reasonable level headed intelligent adults do. I’m sorry that you have seen so many poor examples of marriage within the church, but people are not perfect and while Christians do try their best, it ia impossible for them to achieve that standard. Having Pre-marital sex to have a better honeymoon is ludicrous. Fingers Crossed is right, it is about being with the other person not the sex. Using the argument “you only live once” is irrelevant or else also applicable to committing murder and theft.
    One analogy that I always think about is a hot apple pie that just came out of the oven that represents your heart. Everytime time you have sex, you give a piece of it away. The more you have sex and the more people you do it with, the less pie their will be for your true match, your husband or wife. I want to give my husband the wonderful gift of a nice WHOLE hot apple pie just for him. You may call me naive because I believe in total monogamy, no divorce, or 1950s like, but I find it a reassuring image.

  66. R says:

    I’m going on 21 soon and waiting. I’m a dude and although this may sound inappropriate but. Girls if ur boyfriends r wanting to do it tell them to wank it off. Just wank off the urges, Also remind them of why ur waiting, again sorry for the wank part but it’s true. obviously doing it with a women would be cOmpletely different and much better but once uv’e done it uve done it and u cant go back. before they met u they would be doing u know what.Thanks for article, when my mate said some of those arguments I was like pfft. I’d rather be terrible and become good with 1 women than being good after sleeping with all these different women. Most stupid argument and it’s irrevelant if u do it with a virgin/inexperienced person cause they CAN’T COMPARE.

  67. R says:

    Btw flower great comment , it was nice to read 🙂

  68. bethlehem sisay says:

    this educatiom is very nice for this generation’s youthes.every important arguments are written in such a way that adults can understand and consider where they are right now and after wards. good job!!!!!!! keep it up!

  69. Melodee Forbes says:

    Mike: Thank you so much for writing this article. It has encouraged me immensely for which I am so grateful.

    Ms. Lurk: your comments really resonated with me and I really like how you articulated many of my own thoughts.

    Katie: I am a pastor’s daughter, (Clarification: my Dad was one of the pastor’s on staff, he wasn’t the leader of the church) but my experience was much different than yours. The church I grew up in was extremely liberal (not necessarily ‘political’ liberal) just very wild. Teens having sex on church grounds, fights breaking out… you get the idea. It was uncommon for many (if any) to remain a virgin past the age of 13 – 16. We had many young teen mommas and it was no surprise when just about every speaker shared their story of what they did before Christ had some compilation of prostitution, drugs, gangs, robbery, etc.

    As a result, I often felt discouraged because as mentioned prior, it was rare to be a virgin. Further, I find it interesting when I hear about folks from other churches or religious upbringings where the “holier-than-thou” or rigid and reserved was so common and forced, because church was a place where I was INTRODUCED to many ‘taboo’ things (at least in the context of religion). I can’t remember how many times we talked about sex in youth group and it wasn’t ever awkward or anything… just normal. Now, the church I grew up in was what some call a ‘mega-church’ and had 10,000 plus members, so perhaps that makes a difference.

    With that being said, Katie, I find your tone and articulation of speech to be what gives Christians a bad name. Beyond bitter, you come across as a negative Nancy (no offense to any Nancy’s 🙂 )and it is rather irritating especially since this is the waiting till marriage blog.

    Further, I have friends that are sexually active and you know what, they ENCOURAGE me to wait… usually responding with, “Melodee, seriously, sex is AMAZING and once you start you are not going to want to stop. Wait, it’ll be worth it.” I also have friends where both parties waited until they were married and they have one of the best marriages that I have ever seen in my life. Seriously. It is truly authentic and beats the story books and movies by far.

    We all have experiences and perspectives and while I can respect that your experience hasn’t been great regarding the topic of abstinence/virginity. The same reciprocation of respect would be nice, because after all, that has been your experience.

    Although you state otherwise, it seems (due to what appears to come across as defensiveness and bitterness) that you may regret your decision of having sex before marriage. Just my observation.

    Nevertheless, please keep in mind that proving your point or clarifying your thoughts is usually never made by attacking a person’s perspective. If you are happy with the decision that you made- woohoo! I am happy for you! The same courtesy would be appreciated for the opposite perspective as well. Have a great day and thanks for listening~ 🙂

  70. Rozie says:

    Hi people, I am a waiter ( this sounds funny) but recently started questioning my reasons for waiting.For years,my major drive was religious:
    I believed I would make a better wife because I waited.
    I felt that God owed me a good marriage for waiting
    I assumed that my husband would always treat me much more special for the sacrifice I did (for him ha haa).

    With age and maturity, I have realised that sex is but a fraction of marriage and other factors are equally important. I have also learnt that one needs to be ready to have sex. I must admit that my hormones are on high alert and I crave for some sexual intimacy.I dont want a man pursuing me because I am a virgin, this has happened in the past. I want a man pursuing me because of who I am in totality. Waiting hasnt been easy for a sensual person like me.Some people assume that waiters are plain old boring people. fyi, I am 28, well educated,physically atractive and having a great career.Now I feel I am ready to have sex with the man I love.Im not sure that we will end up married, this is not the determining factor, I want to have sex for me and as an expression of love to him. Such a great forum this is! glad I bumped on it while doing my ‘research on ”to wait or not to wait”

  71. Mary says:

    Hi guys,
    First of all, I really liked the article. It brought up a lot of insightful perspectives and was a big help in setting my mind at ease. On to my issue… I’m 20 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now (we had been friends for about 5 years before we started dating). A year after we had been dating and had gotten a little more comfortable with each other physically, I let him know that I have always felt that I needed to wait until marriage before having sex. He understood and let me know that he was fine with waiting too even though he believes that if you find someone that you are truly in love with, then you shouldn’t feel the need to wait. I am in love with him and we have discussed marriage a number of times as something to look forward to a few years into the future. However, things are progressing physically between us and I feel like he may be feeling a little frustrated and demoralized because of how I feel about the situation. He sees me telling him that I’m not ready for something as a restriction on what we can do together intimately and doesn’t seem to fully understand my reasons for waiting. Unfortunately, I think he may also take crap from his friends about it every now and then. How can I ease his frustrations about the subject? He cares a lot about me and feels bad about it and selfish when he tells me that he feels like he has the short end of the stick in this situation. How can I reach a compromise and help him understand me?

  72. Della says:

    I loved this article. waiting until marriage is my personally life choice because I know that’s how you get the deepest bond between myself and my future hubby, being Christian is a total coincident. And if i marry someone who has had more expirence than me I doubt he’ll mind showing me the ropes.

  73. Jasmine says:

    I am a 37 year old virgin and I agree with almost all of your points. As a young teen, religion was the main reason I was going to wait until marriage. By my late teens it was a matter of having enough respect for myself, my boyfriends of the time, and my future husband (who I still think I will find), to be sure of the relationship before complicating things. For better or worse, emotions are intensified by having sex and I can honestly say that I am still friends with every boy/man I have ever dated. I doubt that would be true had sex been involved. My friends who didn’t wait, and some of those boyfriends, are not often friendly with, let alone good friends, with exes they slept with. Just food for thought.

  74. Kristine says:

    “only one of them was with a girl that was also waiting till marriage” was that the girl you ended up marrying?

  75. Mike says:

    @Kristine – Heh. I’m not married. I was very fond of that waiter I dated, but mostly for reasons apart from her WTM status. I’ve dated two girls who were waiting, and maybe 7 who were non-waiters. Of my two favorites, one was waiting and the other was not. So I’m definitely not overly waiter-biased, I don’t think, if that’s what you’re asking. I am a firm believer that non-waiters can make waiters very happy, and that we should be more open to the idea of marrying one of them.

  76. lee says:

    Any older people considering waiting untill next time around? People in there 40’s and 50’s, divorced or widowed, new born christians or whatever. What would be the PROS or CONS or good idea or bad idea? This age group does have a strong sex drive too! Is this a big chance to take?

  77. max says:

    im 14 and lost my v card a week or so ago although after that my gf wants us to wait until marriage to do it again but atleast i know i can please her without sex hehe.

  78. Tristan Zacharias says:

    God is pure bullshit.

  79. Tristan Zacharias says:

    You people are fucking religious wackos.

  80. shellygodisgrace says:

    As a 19 year old and a sophmore in college I sincerely believe that waiting until marriage is the safest way to go. I believe in god and believe that god has only one person ordained for another. If you decide that you feel it is right to have sex with an individual who god has not given permission, then you will face conequences. In our society sex is taken as “nothing serious” or a joke and that is not what the bible says. I am very protective over my feelings and I definetly do not want to have sex with an individual who doesnt take me or my feelings seriously. When you get to college you certaintly start to understand that you dont have to “go with the flow” or be under pressure like every one else. Regardless to what anyone else says, I think your relationship with god should impact your decision when it comes to marriage . Onnly god knows who is right for each and every single one of us…god bless you all

  81. I agree with Katie... says:

    Why is there such a divide between “waiters” and people who had sex before marriage….
    So you not see how ridiculous that sounds.
    I mean come on.

  82. babs says:

    hv one all the way hwz that !!

  83. Jim says:

    Jay, I assume you are Christian or Catholic. If you’re not, my apologies. Though I may disagree with your POV/beliefs, I respect anyone that truly follows and lives by what they believe in. This is a discussion about premarital sex, though, and not religion, so I’ll leave that out of my response and assume it isn’t part of the average reader’s decision-making process (which it shouldn’t be!).

    You haven’t had sex yourself. Sex is a simple biological act that carries so much meaning in human relationships. It’s an integral part of them. If you have sex with a handful of partners, I believe you would see that each and every one of your “top 5 arguments” carries enormous weight, and can’t be summarily dismissed as you do so easily. I consider myself an educated, ethical person, and wouldn’t trade my sexual experiences for anything. They resonate in many ways beyond the bedroom, and have been a significant part of my social and psychological development. Compatibility alone is a huge issue that ABSOLUTELY can’t be “previewed” by making out with a partner. Once you get married, it’s (hopefully) for life; I can assure you that while intellectual and other types of “compatibility” are enormously consequential in a relationship, the sexual equation does not simply follow in their footsteps. It’s all about balance. I believe you will see this when you start having sex.

    Respectfully, Jim

  84. Ivy May says:

    Dear mike, thank you for this.
    I’ve been with my boyfriend for close to a year, and next year we’ll be off to university. We’re both virgins and done everything but, which we have since stopped 🙂
    I was just thinking, how is it so bad to get married young? I love my boyfriend more than the world, and how is our love different from 25 year olds gettin married? Just wonderingwhat you think of young marriage? Everyone seems to think that’d just be for sex, but surely if I wanted sex that badly, id just do it. Thanks 🙂

  85. Holden says:

    Hi, I am a 14 almost 15 year old who has recently decided to wait until marriage. I was almost positive but reading this article really made me realize how beneficial it can be. I had never entertained the thought of waiting until recently, when my parents (at my request and councilers encouragement) decide to let me do cyber school due to my extream social anxiety. (I take medication and see a counciler weekly, I plan to soon over come it : ] ) Thank you for this great article, you have helped me make a big decision in my life. I hope you have a great, health marriage, and would loves to read more about your views on things!
    Thanks, Holden.

  86. Guy says:

    I must say I am very impressed by your words. For a inexperienced guy you got some good points in there.
    As for me I am 20 and I’m NOT a virgin. And virgins I will not lie sex is amazing.
    BUT making Love to someone you are left speechless. You might argue saying “its the same thing” but the times we live in now, sex is just an act to quench a thirst for lust. Making love on the other hand is more passionate. It is a way of showing your love for someone when saying “I love you” isn’t capable of holding the full extent of your emotion. And this is a small understanding I got from infatuation. So yeah you can have sex but waiting for the right person totally worth it.
    It may not be the same but after gaining this understanding I decided to wait till I find someone I can proudly call “My wife.”

  87. Virgins Rock says:

    23 going on 24 STILL A VIRGIN, religious but my reasons are because i’m trying to protect myself from rejection. The pain of rejection hurts without the sex, imagine with it. I need to learn to love myself and build myself up more. I do not need to marry a virgin (to be honest i would mind someone with experience, lol, not too innocent like me, i like the idea of the man taking the lead) but i would like to marry a Christian. These days that’s not easy to find.

  88. G says:

    Virgins should learn to have good sex together, not sleep around prior.
    How can you trust a non-virgin. I mean, he/she had sex with the one they “loved”. Chances are high that your partner will cheat again. Bad sex if both were virgins? No way. I make her gasp for air everytime & I can communicate to her what feels good. Non virgins just try to give an excuse because they regret losing it to some loser.

  89. Donique says:

    Waiting until marriage is the way to go!!!!

  90. Cassie Ann says:

    Very good article brings up good points I’ve actually had people tell me things like “you will never find a virgin guy that wants to wait until marriage” or “you probably won’t be compatible” and other things along those lines. When It comes down to it, saving sex for marriage is my decision and it’s what I believe is best for me. The way I see it if a man is not willing to wait for me the relationship wont work out I refused to be pressured into doing something I’m not ready for, if he’s not willing to wait for me then he really isn’t the man for me.

  91. Stabler says:

    Hey Mike:

    Great article. It really captures the lack of understanding some people have about WTM.

  92. Ben says:

    I appreciate the time you took to write this article and commend you for participating in discussing this topic which is prevalent and perhaps misunderstood in our society. I do however, take issue with a few of the things presented in your article and comments.

    While I like the idea of open communication between people in relationships and think it is a foundational necessity, your “tips on sexual compatibility” is a bit ridiculous to me. Mostly because from what I can tell, you are a non-married virgin. How can you truthfully discuss the finer points of different wines if you’ve never had them? You may be able to form opinions based on other people’s wine knowledge, but you are certainly not a true aficionado. In similar fashion, a virgin who is trying to relate sexual knowledge is a bit out of touch and in my opinion, dishonest.

    I would also question your purported “couples you’ve studied”. What does this mean? Are you a licensed sex and family therapist? Do you have any published papers to validate this claim? Have you actually graduated and begun a practice? If so with what emphasis? The good points you do bring up in your article are mired by the fact that you speak about a subject in which you’ve not fully experienced. I wouldn’t write an article about tips on how be safe rock climbing if I’ve never been rock climbing myself.

    What would have been great to read instead of your personal opinion would be some people who have had sex, gotten married, and then hear their reflections on why they would have rather waited to have sex before marriage.

    “Trust me, after you have sex you’re going to want to experience it with other people”. Your counter argument to this statement and why it’s ridiculous, is ridiculous. You miss the points that a.) Somewhere along the way in a relationship you ARE GOING TO WONDER what its like to be with another person on a physical level. B.) This is natural. We are visual creatures and you don’t address the many circumstances that surround sex, i.e. past relationships, abuse, desire to change bad habits etc. C.) I’ve had sex with my girlfriend, I love her very much, and I’ve still wondered about sex would be like with other women.

    Please, before you write an authoritative sounding article where you give people advice, experience it for yourself, or talk to some folks who have, and don’t forget to cite your sources.

  93. Mike says:

    @Ben – Thanks for your comment! I’ve updated #3 with some additional info and sources (see the “Two Relevant Concepts from Psychology” section). Short version: Of course you’re going to think about others from time to time, but if you’re happy with your relationship, then those thoughts are passing and quickly dismissed (two concepts from psychology listed with sources above to back up this claim).

    Also, on the “I’ve studied” line. Sorry about that. You’re absolutely right, of course. I’m not a Psychologist and I wasn’t referencing some formal study I had conducted. I didn’t mean for that sentence to be taken that way, and have reworded it accordingly. Hope the new wording works!

    On your “I wouldn’t give tips on safe rock climbing if I’d never been rock climbing” point… That was a great analogy, but it was also the one aspect of your comment that I thought was a little shaky. Watch out for those ad hominem attacks!

    If you think something I said about sexual compatibility is inaccurate, please say so! But don’t just fall back on “You can’t speak about sexual compatibility if you’ve never had sex.” without actually pointing out flaws in what I’ve said. Attack the point, not the man!

    Still, I understand where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t take advice on safe rock climbing from a rock climbing virgin either. But I would take advice on safe rock climbing from a person who had been climbing indoors (including advanced courses) for ten years, was friends with tons of rocks climbers, and studied rock climbing in school. :-p

    Coming down from the analogy: Just because I’m a virgin, doesn’t mean I’m chaste. I’ve had many long-term relationships, and I draw the line on physical stuff pretty liberally. I’ve experienced bad and good sexual compatibility, even though I’ve never technically had sex.

    Now, here’s the really funny part (funny because it’s dark and I’m a masochist): YOU’RE kind of satisfied now, right? YOU’RE thinking “Oh well good then. He’s had some experience. He’s not completely talking out of his ass. Still, doing other stuff is not the same as having sex.”

    But THE NEXT critical comment is going to be from some virgin yelling at me for drawing the line so liberally and saying “How dare you speak about waiting till marriage when you’ve gone further than holding hands with a girl!”

    Sigh. Anyhow. Thanks for the comment. Please let me know if you spot anything else in this article that could use a second look (it’s two years old, and is due for some revisions).

  94. Ash says:

    I’m a 19 year old who is waiting till they are married and this article has helped me make a firm decision and I’m soo happy that I stumbled upon it.

    I do have one question though, when waiting how far (physically) is too far? or would it be wise to stay away from anything other than kissing?

  95. Jo. says:

    I am waiting as well. But when you love God then it IS a spiritual and personal decision all-in-one. And THAT is the biggest reason anyone could every have–that God has a plan for you and that He wants you to wait.

  96. Vinnie1 says:

    “ie: not a complete whore”… So if a woman chooses not to wait and controls and enjoys her sexuality, then she’s a whore? Most mature adult women don’t have time for this patriarchal, misogynist, Madonna/Whore complex bullshit, and by buying into it, and letting society, religion and MALE opinion dictate your sexual behavior, you are not only shunting yourself back to the house- wife serfdom of the 1950’s, you’re also denying a huge part of what makes you human. Just get over yourselves already- it’s not that big of a deal.

  97. Mike says:

    @Vinnie1 – I did not remotely mean that the way you took it. I meant to say that all people, waiting or no, do not typically feel romantically compatible (personality-wise) with others who have attitudes towards sex that are drastically far from their own. So a virgin is probably not going to get along super well with a very promiscuous person and vice-versa, even if the topic of sex never comes up.

    Put another way: Like attracts like.

    That said, I’ve learned that it’s impossible to use the word “whore” flippantly even when meaning it as an exaggeration or a joke. There’s always somebody who will take the worst possible meaning out of it, especially given the subject of this site, so I revised that sentence. I appreciate the feedback (even if you went a little ranty and off the rails there).

  98. Anonymous says:

    I accept your premise, Mike. However…
    First of all, clearly you have a problem using a lot of phrasing “flippantly”. “Take it easy, Gloria Steinem” is offensive to me, and hugely offensive to the women who have reaped the benefits of Gloria Steinem’s dedication to feminism and female progress (ie: almost all North American women). I would never hint at bringing a social contact or religious figure into an online argument on this topic, or even using one so blatantly in my dissertation (for which I am currently conducting research), and I think that when you argue a point that is so very culturally and emotionally loaded for so many people, and on which you’re almost asking for a myriad of differing views, you should perhaps try to be a bit more neutral in tone. Simply put-by trivializing Steinem, you trivialize feminism, and that, frankly, is a low blow and plays right into the image I think you’re trying to avoid.

    Further, if you’re going to have a discussion about sexuality, and more, pointedly, a discussion about virginity-which in the past has had substantially more weight when it applies to women, then you’ve got to expect the word “whore” to materialize. I understand that and I appreciate your revision. There is, unfortunately, no other way to take the word “whore”-especially in the context of this argument, and I fail to see how I could’ve taken “the worst possible meaning out of it”.

    Your views on sex and human relationships are valid, and I respect them, but many people (my husband included) have very very different views. In some aspects, the male (and sometimes female) obsession with purity and virginity merely represent an idealization and identification with a timid, scared, inexperienced little girl (or boy) rather than with an adult in control of their sexual behaviour, and i think we can both agree that that is rather unsettling. The natural sexual behaviour of modern primates is generally highly promiscuous, and while we have (I hope) as humans evolved marginally past our libidinous ancestors, denying our sexuality until marriage is not a natural state of behaviour, but is behaviour that is vastly more complex than the scope of this website can allow. Which brings me full circle to the word “whore”. This is 2013: the idea that a woman is either “marriage material” or not, a “good woman” or a harlot, a Madonna or a Whore, is flawed. We as humans should be defined by our actions, our education, our achievements, and our work-not by our sexual behaviour, which frankly, is a very poor indicator of moral composition.

    And THAT, Mike, is a rant.

  99. Vinnie1 says:

    Your “sources”, should be properly cited in APA format-even on a website. I would like to research these presumably peer-reivewed scientific journals myself, and simply citing a source without a publication, contributor information, or edition/DOI numbers is, at best, unhelpful, and at worst, could be construed as plagiarism or intellectual theft.The link is not article specific and implies skimming research, even is that was not the case.

  100. Vinnie1 says:

    and yes, I’m aware of the typo.

  101. Vinnie1 says:


    Mike and I have worked this out via email.. Props for super prompt communication, Mike!


  102. Random says:

    I respect all those who decide to wait for marriage, it is a personal choice based on and effected by many different elements. I am eighteen and have had a grand total of three boyfriends. My first two relationships had no sexual components involved and I did not love either of them. But i am currently 9 months into my third and it is completely different from any of the others.
    Most people point out that sex at a young age is a result of pressure from your partner, low self esteem, and/or ‘daddy problems’. None of these aspects had an influence on my decision to have sex with my boyfriend. Throughout the beginning of our relationship there was never any pressure from him. And in that safe environment I came to realize what a sexual creature I am. He is the only person that I have ever had sex with, and after reading this page I realize the immense compatibility that we have in and out of the bedroom. At this point in my life, im headed off to post secondary soon and then into pre-med. My boyfriend is 4 years older then me and owns his own business. I have by no means made the decision to spend the rest of my life with him, but i have not completley ruled it out. I stand by my decision to give my virginity to my boyfriend and will long into the future whether i marry this man or not.
    The point is everyone has a personalized opinion. My advice is whatever that opinion is, make sure its yours and stand by it!

  103. Virgin says:

    Hey, just wanted to say ur super cool if u wait till marrage

  104. a human in 2013 says:

    waiting until marriage is ridiculous and meant to control you, nothing else. Quit listening to a 3000 year old book written by camel jockies

  105. torn says:

    great article! my boyfriend and I are 18and 16, respectively. we have been dating for a year now, our anniversary is next Thursday. I am religious and want to wait until marriage, however this decision has not been based upon my religion.

    I personally believe that I would like to save myself for my future husband. I am too busy and have too much going on in my life with very high goals and expectations for the future to worry about getting pregnant or contracting an boyfriend is not religious at all, in fact he is boarder line atheist. I would like to wait until marriage because I believe that I would like to give myself to my husband. I think it is romantic and most of my decision has been based on a lot of the reasons you mentioned above.

    however, my boyfriend does not believe in waiting until marriage. we both love each other very much, and he feels that we are ready for the next step.

    I am not very sure what to do.we are already physically intimate (up to third base and anal), and this is simply another way how we express our love for each other. honestly, I think we are too young to have sex. for pete’s sake, I am 16. we have our whole lives ahead of us to do this. he is one of those people who says “we love each other now, why not do it now in case something happens in the future.” I have tried to tell him my reasons for waiting, but he does not understand.

    I am torn between our wonderful relationship and my morals for the future. Any advice?

  106. Piotr says:

    Wow, are you serious? All the above reasons actually give me only more reason to wait till marriage. It’s funny to see to what great lengths people will go to justify something that is not true. There is a reason why today more than ever before, there are increased numbers in divorces, destroyed families and unhappy people. The truth is: “There is no shortcuts to any place worth going.” And the same is true with sex! Wait till marriage. Make it special. Show one another that there is more to love than sex. Because True love is so much more than sex. You will not be disappointed. And you will build a foundation with your loved one that will carry you through all your life. Good luck!

  107. Tiffany says:

    This was amazingly helpful for my class debate! You hit almost every question people ask about people that wait until marriage. Great job with this article and its even better that your a psychologist because now my work will be credited and not just opinionated.

  108. Jean says:

    Hi Mike,
    I’m 22 and in college, and waiting for marriage. It gets very frustrating that I always feel like when I meet a guy, I have to determine if whether or not they’ll be ok with my decision to wait. I see it as kind of a relief, that if a guy doesn’t like me enough to be with ME, not just to BE with me, then they’re weeding themselves out for me. But how do you know when to have “that talk”? So far, with the only legitimate boyfriend I had when I was 18, it came up in a group conversation and saved me the trouble. We were together for 2 years, but in the beginning it was constantly like, no, I’m serious, I’m waiting… Like he thought he could change my mind. Is it just a challenge to some guys? How far into dating someone do you talk about it?

    This is such a reassuring article though… I kind of accepted I would end up marrying a guy that wasn’t a virgin because I just don’t meet them… Ever. But it’s so nice to see that there are some out there. On that note too… I don’t want a relationship with a guy I feel like is “settling” his own lifestyle choices to be with me and adjust to mine- I’d much rather just be with someone who already holds the same values. I’m somewhat religious, but my decision is personal, not religious based, and I really agree with everything you said. But am I just making a bigger issue for myself in thinking it matters if they are or aren’t a virgin? Is it still as special for them on their wedding night too if they aren’t a virgin? And for god’s sake, is it ALWAYS bad the first time? Comments on here sure aren’t promising…

    But thank you for this wonderful article… It’s a great sense of support to see that I’m not so alone in my choice.

  109. 1 life says:

    @ human in 2013, if ur happy with ur life why post here.. waiting is one’s personal choice and those of us whose post u see here are those of us who choose to wait for our own personal reasons. our desions has nothing to do with articles posted here. this articles encouraged us on our decisions.
    to all who decided to wait U ROCK!! and to mike THANKS!!

  110. XiaoGui17 says:

    While I didn’t wait until marriage, and don’t generally advocate it, I do think this article makes some cogent points, and gives some good advice.

    I think someone who wants to wait should be free to do so for personal reasons. What I dislike are those who wag their fingers and condemn those who don’t. I support others’ rights to make that personal choice, but I hope they respect my personal choice as well. I generally won’t argue with someone unless they start telling me that I’m wrong or should have done it their way.

  111. Katherine says:

    Compatibility is silly. It’s like asking if, when you are mentally attracted to someone, can you have a good conversation?
    Yes, there are miserable problems that some people have (that have nothing to do with compatibility and more to do with a problem/condition that anyone who loves you will help you work through & seek medical help if needed).
    But: if you are physically attracted, and both virgin or virgin-like, and have trouble holding back, well, it’s like learning to dance. Even if you are both terrible dances at first, you learn together. Compatibility implies that something is already learned enough to be restrictive.

    Think of it this way: I feel sorry for those who do not wait, who decide a soul mate isn’t right for them because they don’t “measure up” sexually.

  112. cant say says:

    Im 29, still a virgin an very happy about it! I used to work as a bartender, a stripper. no one would believe it! my reasons? perhaps a bit it is subconscious from my strict catholic upbringing, but I truly believe we as women should not sleep around and expose our bodies to sex outside of marriage! i LOVE not worrying about Std’s, unwanted pregnancy, all the crap that birth control causes to your system. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t experienced issues in the dating world… it comes with the territory when we live in a world where being a virgin at my age is a “weird” thing and having wild sex is the norm. well hope to find a good man who can appreciate me. I think it’s time i start hanging around churches more and bars less 😉

  113. A female virgin. says:

    I’m a 20 years old waiter b/c of my religious belief, that were not pushed onto me by any church. I attend churches occasionally and read the Bible myself. I made my decision to wait based from what I’ve personally read.

    My virgin boyfriend that is also religious originally choose to not wait. But he repected my choice after I told him. I told him about a month in our relationship before we had any deep feelings so he could easily still get out of the relationship. We’ve now dated for 3 years. He has told me a few times he’ll continue to wait and plans to marry me.

    We openly talk about sex & are completely comfortable around eachother. Several of our friends from highschool wonder if we’ve had sex yet. Some even assume. My own mother was shocked when she heard me tell a doctor I’m a virgin. Who knows what will happen in the future but him and I made it this far alright.

  114. Just a girl says:

    Wow very nicely written piece of article that has just helped me reinforce my decision to wait! 🙂

  115. syz says:

    I love this article, it has empowered me.

  116. John says:

    Sam & Anonymous (Feb. 11): I find both of your posts immensely ironic – full of paradoxes and plain poor reasoning and justification.

  117. Dalia says:

    I actually found this website or article by accident sort of…and it actually opened my mind to this idea of waiting till marriage. I’ve heard of people waiting until marriage to have sex but never really related to it on a personal level and never realized the true significance of waiting. I find it weird to actually think that this is something I find attractive or suitable for me because I had never taken it seriously until now. What got me in the door was Lakita Garth and her take on abstinence and sex. Your article sort of convinced me a little more. I am 19, and a virgin. I’ve never had a boyfriend which is why I am still a virgin, not entirely on purpose but more of because the opportunity to have sex hasn’t presented itself. This made me realize that I could follow this path on waiting till marriage because I have remained a virgin until now and feel that I could do this to truly find a meaningful relationship in all aspects. I wanted to know what made you decide to WTM and when did you know 100% that this was what you wanted?

  118. Sex sucks says:

    Well, I waited to have sex until I was married at 24 years old. I’ve been married for 8 years now and am starting to have regrets about waiting. I love my spouse and we have beautiful children but my spouse never initiates sex. Never. He’s a lazy lover. He prefers to lay and have things done to him. When he does participate, it’s one of 2-3 moves. It’s very disappointing. I initiate sex often but am often rejected– he chooses work over sex. I am fit and attractive (worked as a model for several years). I also frequently read books and articles about sex to improve my own contributions. So, I read your blog and it’s very compelling… A lot of the same arguments that caused me to wait in the first place… But here I am in my 30s thinking, “is this all I get”. I suppose having a bad sex life isn’t the worst thing in the world but why did I wait for *this*?!? I have several friends who didn’t wait and don’t seem to suffer any consequences (not that I want them to, I don’t… That was just one of the arguments I frequently heard growing up) and also seem to have great sex lives. I mean, I REALLY am struggling to not have fantasies about the delivery man over here!!!

  119. Google@MissChristiLuv says:

    The only reason ppl try to discourage other ppl from waiting for sex is so they don’t have to feel like the ppl waiting for sex are spiritually purer, morally smarter or emotionally healthier than they are. Misery loves company and everybody wants to turn you out and be the one to knock you off your pedestal. Especially if they weren’t raised as well as you were. Its BS. They resent your purity and want to take it from you. Or they’re brainwashed by media trends and they cant think for themselves because they don’t have a mind of their own. Fact is, having sex with ppl you don’t love is like being a dumb animal. Having sex only with ppl you love but aren’t married to is like being a smart animal. Having sex only with ppl you love and are married to is like being a truly evolved being of higher consciousness. And the animals who don’t want you to be more evolved or higher in consciousness than they are will do everything in their power to destroy your higher consciousness and moral intelligence because the darkness inside of them has programmed them to try to destroy your light. Its not a political battle, its a spiritual war of Light VS Darkness. Don’t let their darkness kill your light. PERIOD.

  120. Google@MissChristiLuv says:

    Dear Sex Sucks – I’m sorry to hear that, but there are many red flags that you can learn from just observing a person’s personality and passion and the way they treat you and touch you and are affectionate with you before you get married and have sex. I can’t imagine that your husband didn’t show you how lazy he was in the romance and affection department before you got married? You should get a marriage counselor and tell them that if he doesn’t try to improve you will have to divorce him. If you scare the crap out of him with the D word, and if he loves you, or if he’s too lazy to want to start over with somebody new, he will follow your instructions and do whatever it takes to make you happy with his sexual love language– but you’re gonna have to scare the crap out of him to get him to move. What is he? A lazy bull Taurus lol? ^_^ J/k no offense to Taurus men haha 😀

  121. valia says:

    Waiting till marriage has no choose to wait

  122. KR says:

    This article is full of excuses for a lack of self control. The first one is especially a load of ****. If you really love someone, you consider your girlfriend as much as you do yourself. Any guy that puts pressure on a girl to have sex when she feels uncomfortable about it, he is nothing but a selfish ass. These are all self serving reasons. And the “taking a car for a test drive” Give me a break dude!

  123. Jenn says:


    I’m pretty sure you misunderstood the article. This is an article DEBUNKING the common arguments against waiting until marriage. We’d all agree with you that it’s totally wrong to pressure anyone into having sex before they’re ready.

  124. rawr says:

    wow, what a load of crap. while i believe that marriage is obsolete and that you should wait to have sex with the person you see as your “soulmate”, all this article does is make it sound like you should go around slutting around until you find someone you like. here’s the thing, no woman who has ever slept around, found a good partner she was happy with, or very few at most, i promise you this. men, if they eventually find a woman they love enough, can make it work if he’s been with lots of women, but she’d have to be a phenomenal woman in various regards to make up for the fact that he’s sacrificing all the sex without commitment he had before. the writer sounds like a pussy who is giving women an excuse to fuck whoever they want, thinking they can have it all. here’s the truth, no man wants a slut, psychologically, biologically, and intellectually, it is a bad deal, and any man of any self respect and wisdom will agree.

  125. rawr says:

    also the sexual compatibility thing is a load of garbage. if you have any sort of connection with your own sexuality(you don’t need to fuck around for this), you will be able to figure out what you want, and if you find a partner who loves you and whom you love, you will both be willing to accommodate each other and enjoy doing it. my girl and i have particular tastes, she’s into things that i wouldn’t normally do, and i’m into things she never thought herself capable of. we both enjoy everything we do sexually because we love pleasing each other. she’s into bondage, i’m not so much, but when i see how blissful it makes her to have her hands tied and to be blindfolded, it makes me enjoy it just the same, and the reverse is true as well. people are so fucking retarded about sexuality, it sucks how many people are sick sad and depressed, and don’t even understand how male and female dynamics work. compatibility matters only as far as determining who wants to be the dominant and who want to be the submissive in the relationship, the rest falls into place, it’s not rocket science and doesn’t take going through a bunch of partners to learn, just listen to your own body and wake the fuck up.

  126. Jegsy Scarr says:

    @rawr: I’m taking it, you didn’t actually read the content of this article, just the title and headings? Try reading the text instead of just scanning it. It sounds like you’re the kind of person who’d really enjoy it!


  127. sarah says:

    hi – can men understand that their wife is a virgin during their first sex?

  128. Anonymous says:

    Those posting on here who are not supportive of people waiting… this is not the right place for you. Negative comments will not change anyone’s mind or make you look good.

    In response to all the scare tactics about being doubled in pain on your wedding night… My first time did not hurt. The first time putting in a tampon did, however.

    For those who think oral and anal sex is preserving your purity or virginity… Really? Think about this really carefully.

    I am 40+ years old and recommitting to waiting. I am facing the dating experience with the knowledge that, especially at my age, with a deminished pool of men to begin with, not to mention those who will wait until marriage for sex. I am in a minority religion who does not have much contact with men of my same religion, and even if I do meet one, there’s no guarantee he will wait. There is religious beliefs, and there is being human and imperfect. Many people who are committed to waiting are Christian, and they are generally wanting to marry a Christian woman.

    What I have going for me is that I no longer feel the need to marry. I’ve raised a child. I own a home. I have a good career and a full life. And I always have God.

    To those who wonder what if you wait but never get married… Think of it this way. In the whom we develop eyesight, hearing etc to be used in this life. Likewise, in this life we are developing qualities that will be used in the next, spiritual life. What are these qualities we are developing? These are the spiritual qualities we possess, of which chastity, purity and obedience even (for those who are waiting for religious convictions) are surely included. Like a child in whom can’t imagine why it needs these ears that are growing out of his head, we too can’t imagine how important this purity may be in the next world.

  129. Mike says:

    I really don’t understand. If you have chemistry with girl/boy and feel compatible and you feel life he/she is your best friend that you can’t generally count and have fun. Why won’t you have sex? Life won’t change after marriage for the better . It is just a milestone that symbolizes the union and starting a family. Also i hear many people say that partners that they broke up with in the past “weren’t their true love”. It is just not true and kind of humiliating for those people. You can love someone and still won’t have a relationship with them because maybe you go abroad for your dream job. Also there are many people with whom you can have great relationship and marriage. So really why not?

  130. Masy says:

    I need advice, I am in a relationship with someone I love so much, it’s been a 31days together but it feels like good 31years. My boyfriend is not a virgin but I am, he wants us to have sex and so do I but because of my beliefs which I am sometimes not sure of I think I may not be emotionally ready for sex even though I think I am physically. I really love him and I don’t want to lose him, he said he can wait till we get married but what if somewhere along the line I break his heart and that’s something he had gone through before, and I have been thinking of breaking my virginity long and hard for the first time I think losing it to him won’t be much of a bad idea but I don’t know how I will feel after that, what’s going to happen if I start hating him worse of all if I hate myself. We have 3 options 1: We break up(which I can’t deal with, it will kill me) 2: he waits till marriage 3: I break my virginity. We are very close and we talk about almost everything and anything, I know that sex is part of most relationships and it builds a certain bond… so they say…We get along very well and he is the first guy I ever told my brother about and he is one person I trust the most and I was even planning on telling my mum about him. And does having sex on certain dates that mean something to you have an impact on how you feel after sex?

  131. Chaz says:

    I guess I am one who is “hellbent” on marrying someone who remains abstinent. And dating as well. In the past, I have dated girls who had already had sex, but it was more of a testing the waters kind of thing. I now don’t see a point in dating unless I could see myself with a future and a possibility of marriage. If I have passed opportunities at having sex and remain firm in my belief, I have a hard time getting over the fact that my partner didn’t do the same and that’s just not something I can look past or ever truly get over. It just doesn’t seem fair. Is there any advice that you would have for this particular situation?

  132. Anonymous says:

    If you’re going to marry a virgin, you BETTER make sure you talk about every aspect of sex BEFORE you get married. Don’t walk into it blind or you will suffer. This doesn’t matter if you’re male or female.

  133. Rosa says:

    I think that getting married is not for all people you should get together with that person and really truly talk about getting married

  134. dawn says:

    I love my girlfriend to bits but the toll waiting is taking on me is unbearable. I am very unhappy as we live together, sleep on the same bed and currently still at college (which means I don’t plan on getting married for another 4 years). I find myself constantly turning down other girls because in actual fact I don’t want to be with no one else but her. We’ve made out and done all kinds of dids apart from me inserting it in. We don’t normally use condoms but the one time I did I finished and it slipped off, she had to take the pill and ever since she doesn’t even wanna come close to to anything thing sexually. Even tho I wanted to go all the way from time, what we did before kept the urge down. She claims to me that she’s isn’t doing this because of the accident but because she wants to stop feeling guilty (even when she’ll be the one to start off the dids previously) and loves God too much to keep winning, she also suddenly got wayy more . Its been a month and I’m getting really unhappy and kinda depressed about the whole situation, I don’t wanna loose her but

  135. dawn says:

    (I posted by mistake without finishing)
    …She claims to me that she’s isn’t doing this because of the accident but because she wants to stop feeling guilty (even when she’ll be the one to start off the dids previously) and loves God too much to keep winning, she also suddenly got wayy more religious and claims even tho the accident played a role it is not the main reason . Its been a month and I’m getting really unhappy and kinda depressed about the whole situation, I don’t wanna loose her as I can only envision my future with her. She’s had her mind made up and won’t budge, what do I do? Ps she knows how much I care about her and how I’m feeling and tells me she’s not happy about it but there is not much she can do to help me with it. Also two weeks after the accident we got in an another argument like we have been lately and I know the main reason is because I’m too sexually frustrated, and after the argument she came to apologise but I didn’t pay attention so she started to seduce me, of course I fell for this and did what we used to di except that I didn’t it in. She then told me after that sue had a glass of wine and that I should promise her I would turn her away if she came up to me wanting to perform the sexually tied things again, I told her I wouldn’t promise but I would try. We’ve been home for Christmas and because I was been down she said she would give me what I want and then got really down, I changed the topic as I felt my unhappiness is resulting into hers. We’ve not had any arguments for a week and would be seeing each other two days after Christmas in our house. What do I do in this case?

  136. dawn says:

    Also we’ve been together a year and a half but out feels like I’ve known her my whole life

  137. Jason says:

    Great article! I’m writing a paper arguing for abstinence from premarital sex, and you have given me good opposition points and counter arguments! Reading some of the comments gave me more points to look into. I believe I can really develop a much better argument and, thus, get a better grade! Sadly, I can’t use your article as a reliable source, but the content has helped me in finding reliable sources! Thanks again.

    P.S. My reason for writing this paper is because my girlfriend and I of nearly three years have not had sex and are determined to wait until marriage. Even our other Christian friends who have been in serious relationships have all failed. I wanted to find the answers as to why it has been possible for us, and your article has made me realize that it’s because we do not abstain for merely religious reasons. I was pleased to see that we already do or have done most of what your article suggests in establishing sexual compatibility. Also, the article has instilled new vigour in my ideology of premarital sexual abstinence. Writing and researching for this essay is strengthening my relationship in countless ways! I highly recommend staying away from premarital sex to everyone!

  138. eddy says:

    Before getting married you should make sure that you and your partner are

    -emotionally compatible
    -share the same goals
    -make sure you are able to live together without getting on each other’s nerves

    and lastly, to make sure you are sexually compatible

    I am an ex-mormon, do you know how many people I know who got divorced within a year (a lot of times when the girl was 19 and the buy 21!) because the main subconscious reason they got married was so they could have sex without feeling guilty? Only to realize that the person they thought was their soulmate actually isn’t. How can you really know if somebody is your soulmate if you haven’t felt the warmth of their skin against yours? I’m sorry, I just think that waiting until marriage is not ludicrous, at least if it is for religious reasons, if you want to wait because of personal beliefs then fine, that just means you are naive. Now that doesn’t mean you should just go out and have sex a bunch, you should at least date for a bit before having sex. But like somebody said before, their is a difference between sex and making love. I am 26 and have had sex with 5 different women, but I have never made love. The last time I had sex was 3 years ago, I’m not waiting until marriage, I’m waiting for somebody who I can share the deepest of connections with, because the sex I had before, while being pleasurable, I could tell was only a taste of what it would be like to have sex with somebody I would give my life and soul to. I want to make love with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with before we end up making a union we regret. This article is biased and the OP has no idea how important and fundamental sexuality is, and I’m sorry but the rock climbing analogy that an earlier poster made was not ad hominem.

    I had a friend who waited until marriage with her husband, she said every time she and her husband had sex she felt like she was a vessel, like she was being used. Once he achieved orgasm it was over and she was unfulfilled, she divorced him and ended up leaving the mormon church, got remarried and is in a great marriage.

    All I know is that I’m glad that I’m the type of person that makes sure that all the times I’ve had sex, I make sure she has an orgasm before I do.

    And whoever said that non-waiters giving waiters crap because “misery loves company” is a moron.

  139. michael says:

    i am so tired of hearing that how much i will go to hell if i dont wait know what that is the worse answer ever you want to wait ok,i know that night will be special but then again what if something goes wrong you 2 are not compatible there is nothing there or he or she has a prob down there,waiting to get married is ok has 1 thing wrong you dont know that other person intimate since you never did it so when you marry sit on the bed look at each other that is why

  140. Lupine says:

    Well I’ in a long term relationship with a guy who was a virgin when we met. I have a history of sexual abuse and constantly being pressured/harassed by guys to have sex with them, but now I ‘be finally gotten over the guilt of having sexual desires at all, found someone who I love, actually want to and am ‘allowed to’ have sex with, he’d rather a) get drunk and fall asleep b) watch porn and masturbate or c) have sex with someone else d) make me give him blowjobs instead. He literally told me it’s basically my fault because I gave him a good time that he feels like he’s missed out on equally good sex with other women now that he’s locked into a serious relationship. Now that he’s had blowjobs he feels like he shouldn’t have to put any effort into sex which means mutual pleasure. He has spent so many years taking care of his own sexual needs, having sex on tap from a long term partner seems like too much work. Now I feel guilty about wanting my partner to desire me rather than all the creeps who have touched me in ways I didn’t want in the past. His mother is a vicar and thinks badly of me. I was made to feel so much shame about having been abused by family members and even members of the church (yes, people in the church) that getting over guilt and shame for actually wanting to have sex at all was the next step. Now I have to feel guilty because my ex virgin boyfriend wavers between feeling sex is too much effort or he wants to sleep with other people now he knows what he’s been missing out on. I even have him the opportunity earlier in the relationship to see other women or bring another woman into relationship BECAUSE I feared he’d feel this way, as if he’s trapped now because he has to commit. I know men like variety. I DID NOT want him to feel like he’d missed out. I don’t understand why he waits until years into the relationship to start mentioning which friends of mine he’d like to sleep with and drinking every night so he could pass out before we get to do anything intimate. He spent all his tone between puberty and age 24 pleasing himself to unrealistic, exploitative porn and now my body (34,24,39) all my sexy lingerie, costumes, even kinky Roleplay after asking what his fantasies were will never be good enough. All he can think about is either sex turned out to be too much work after all that waiting or how he wished he’d had sex with other girls/fantasises about my friends now he knows what I cut could potentially feel like.

    The fact that he thinks sex is too much work but wants to do it with other people is pretty contradictory and hurtful. I thought him being a virgin would make me more secure as he wouldn’t know any better but apparently it’s just convinced him that the grass is very possibly greener elsewhere now he’s had a taste of sex. I really wish he’d gotten all the what if’s and desires for women of a different ethnicity/hair colour/whatever out of his system and had more realistic experiences with women than just jerking off before we got together. At least I am glad we DID NOT wait until marriage because I’d rather hear this stuff now than go through a messy, expensive divorce. I don’t want to be a wife he resents because he is trapped in a legally binding relationship.

  141. Kevin says:

    For the last five years I’ve leaned about my religion (Catholicism) and just listened to everything I was told. I’ve just gone along with it and trusted that it was all true. But my family is not religious only the majority of my friends are. So my brother is always commenting on how “weird” I am to wait to have sex. So I decided to be open minded to having sex outside of marriage and honestly it felt freeing. (Not having sex but just the thought of it being okay outside marriage) I don’t know if it’s because I was just ignoring sexual feelings or what. But now I’m conflicted because I’ve been super religious and I want to do what is right by God. But I also feel like the things I have been told are wrong and I can’t trust everyone within the church. (I am a very trusting person). So now I don’t know what the answer is and I also realize from reading this article that I don’t have my own opinion that I just do everything because of my religion.

  142. James says:

    hey I was just wondering what you would say about the Christians who say “well if you have sex before marriage then your pulling in all this garbage into every relationship you enter into” what would you say about that?

  143. Emmanuel says:

    This article is so insightful…. am 23, this article only but give me more reasons to keep on with my ‘wait until marriage decision’. irrespective of friend’s coercions,it is still possible to maintain sexual purity though is not an inch easy but our firm decision will always keep us. SHALOM.

  144. Vick Macky says:

    Can someone please help? I have been emailing and leaving messages and nobody is responding. people are not getting the confirmation emails! take a look at when the last new member signed up.

    I would love to join this site but it looks like you’re experiencing some major tech issues.

    Someone please email me back at

  145. someone says:

    I waited until i was ready to have sex and it brought me and my partner a lot closer and if i had decided to wait when i was emotionally, physically and mentally ready to have sex i would of missed out on the experience of being close and comfortable in every way with someone and people who wait until marriage miss out on having the experiences earlier in life. If you can be everything you would be with a husband or wife without marriage whats the point of waiting for a piece of paper and what happens if you end up having sex after marriage and you or your partner feel like you don’t get enough from eachother and cheat since you or them never had a past where you experienced having sex with other people and its more likely to explore sex after you experience it and what happens if you do that after you get married? sex is part of human nature and its part of being in love i cant see how you can find your perfect partner without experiencing what it’d be like to be married to them without having to be officially together.

  146. […] few arguments against waiting until marriage, also described on, are not being sexually compatible, limiting yourself to who you can date and not being experienced […]

  147. Rosa says:

    I really don’t agree with this article and here’s some of the reasons why: First, why are you so fixated on penis in vagina sex? What I’ve read in this article is that, you can do “everything but” but you can’t have penis in vagina sex or that waiting will be better for some reason. What’s the difference at that point? Foreplay is considered sex as well and if you don’t think that then I think you have a lot to learn because it’s a part of sex. Second, not one time in this article is any other sexual orientation mentioned other than being heterosexual. So you mean to tell me that gay men and women are always going to be virgins? How do they “wait” till marriage. They don’t have penis in vagina sex. See my point? I guess that waiting till marriage doesn’t apply to them? Interesting. Another question of mine is this… why do you think waiting till marriage will be more beneficial to you then not waiting? This was never really explained in the article. If you aren’t doing it for religious reasons then why do it at all? Do you think it will strengthen your relationship if you withhold from sex? Sex is a wonderful and healthy thing to experience and having sex with someone who you don’t want to marry is OK. Sex can be this beautiful and romantic thing and sometimes it can be simply about having fun and finding release. It doesn’t make you a lesser person or more damaged because you have it. And the bottom line is that because you wait till marriage does not gurentee that it will make it better or more special. I defineitly don’t agree with the statement that you will have more fun with sex by waiting till marriage because you won’t be bored of it. Are you kidding me? I’ve had sex with other people before the current relationship I’m in and I still enjoy and am excited about sex with my loving and committed partner! Sex is an ever evolving thing and you don’t get burnt out from it unless you have underlying problems within your relationship. Signing a legal document does not make sexual intercourse more amazing or valuable. What I feel like people who wait are saying is that being legally bound means that someone is REALLY committed and serious about you and that those who don’t marry will never have a serious and meaningful relationship. That simply is not true.

  148. Pari says:

    I can’t believe they have a site for waiters, what kind of shit is this.

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